Season 7 Episode 9: The Word on Coaching - EQ in Action

We have all heard of EQ or Emotional Intelligence.

What does it look like in action?

In this episode, we have an inspiring conversation with Kelly Mercer as she talks about the power of using emotional intelligence as she navigated a significant healthcare experience.

Kelly is driven by intellectual curiosity and a passion for problem-solving, she views each day as an opportunity to make a difference. In 21 years with a Fortune 50 company and currently with a leading CRO, she has had the privilege of serving in many roles ranging from direct customer service to organizational strategy and change management.

I encourage you to listen as Kelly shares how she used emotional intelligence to manage her healthcare journey. She shares how she made the switch from being focused on self-image to focusing on self-love.

Plenty of gems of wisdom are shared in this episode.

Listen in with your ears and your heart.

Contact information:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/kelly-mercer/

Books Recommended in this episode:

Leaders Eat Last - By Simon Sinek


Check out our best-selling book The Word on Coaching.  Buy a copy for yourself and copies to share with others.
Amazon.com: The Word on Coaching: 9781737643807: Neely, Debby, Auger, Joann, Fuselier, Kevin: Books

Check out our  quick guide about powerful questions: "Embrace the Power of Questions!"   A Quick Reference Guide to Getting the Answers You Need.  

Kelly’s Profile

linkedin.com/in/kelly-mercer

Transcript

Debby 0:04

Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Word on Coaching podcast. I am Debbie. I'm here with Kevin. Hi, Kevin.

Kevin 0:11

Hello, Debbie.

Debby 0:14

So Joanne unfortunately is unable to join us tonight, but we are coaches three. We are three friends with years of leadership and coaching experience who want to share our passion with others. Now our podcasts are for all leaders. All you leaders that are out there, whether you have that formal title or not, and we know that a lot of you are out there leading without the title, and we also know that leadership is hard, right? You don't have to have us tell you that. Everybody's probably experienced that at one point or another, so it's very important to us that us along with our guests give you some tips, some information, maybe a different perspective, and always a lot of support because we've got your back. Now today we are excited to welcome Kelly Mercer. So let me tell you a little about Kelly. Kelly's expertise is in a lot of different areas. She's Customer and Employee Experience, Organizational Behavior, IT, and Diversity and Inclusion. A lot of diversity just there in, in your subject matter expertise as well, Kelly. So currently, Kelly is a business analyst manager for a technology and AI enabled clinical research organization. Now let me tell you a little bit about how I met Kelly. So Kelly and I used to sit our cubicles were over the wall, kind of over the wall from each other. And you know, you, you learn a lot about people when you can talk to them. Hear them and you run it, bump into them accidentally and hang out with them a little bit. That's how I got to know Kelly and I always admired just her willingness to, to jump in and figure things out to help people out while making work an enjoyable place to come into. Kelly, what would you like our audience to know about you?

Kelly 1:57

,thanks, Debbie. So just to kind of tag on to that, you're right. There's a lot of diversity in my career because most of my career has been in a business analyst role in some capacity, and it's been great because it's really offered a broad range of experiences for me and a lot of learning opportunities. But what I would want people to know is I really have, because of that, have had the privilege of working with and for a lot of great leaders, which, you know, I've just been a sponge and have learned so much from them.

Debby 2:39

That's awesome. Yeah, just observation and experience is a great teacher, right?

Kelly 2:44

Exactly. Exactly. And, and, you know, just. Me being here with, with you all today, I'm super excited about the topic because, the leaders that I have been around have been just awesome. So. I'm just excited to, kind of talk about some of that.

Debby 3:03

I love it. I love you're going to get to brag on some people. Several months ago, Kelly and I were catching up. We tried to do that every once while we were in a local coffee shop. And she shared with me that she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer. Now here's the thing, Kelly did not show up as a victim. In fact, she threw me off just a little bit because what she told me was that she's on a mission. To share the message about the power of emotional intelligence, or EQ. So she said, you know, I want to share what I've been learning from my journey with other people. And she's been so passionate that she's pushed herself outside of her comfort zone. I've been so proud of her. She's written a magazine article on the topic, and now she's a guest on this podcast. For today's episode, the word Or I guess I should say the words are EQ and action, because we're going to talk about EQ, but not just about what it is, how it shows up, what, how it actually plays out in real life. Kelly, You know, not everybody wants to tell their story. That's a really brave thing to do. Tell us a little bit about why did you want to tell your story?

Kelly 4:12

Yeah. And let me just say thank you, Debbie, because you have stretched me because you're right. I'm not a person that just puts myself out there. But I do feel really passionate about this topic and telling my story. To, to give a little context, my diagnosis came on the heels of my sister going through colon cancer and I supported her the best that I could through her journey, going to all of her appointments and, just trying to show up and be there for her. Then I had my diagnosis and, was going through my journey with multiple appointments, right? Multiple doctors scans, follow ups, you name it. Right? And when I was going through my journey, I was impressed by the interactions that I had with. everyone. I mean, it didn't matter what doctor's office I was dealing with, the surgeons, the staff, and I, I just couldn't get over that, how I was dealt this horrible situation. But yet, my interactions with all of these people were, were making it easier for me. And then I started reflecting on my sister's journey. Which was a completely different experience, and that's when I reached out to you, because I just kept feeling this pull that I wanted people to know and understand. That emotional intelligence, it's not a buzzword. It really, like, makes an impact and makes a difference. Especially when you're going through something, like, as serious as cancer. I would say, it, it doesn't, everybody goes through stuff. So it doesn't have to be something huge like cancer, right? We all have challenges. But I think it's just, navigating that. Navigating whatever is challenging. Challenging you and I wanted to help others with that.

Debby 6:20

Yeah, I like that phrase, right? Emotional intelligence is not a buzzword. So I think that's something we should write about Kevin.

Kelly 6:28

Yeah, Kevin, when I was talking like looking, thinking about this and reflecting on it, I did. I was like, wow, I think there's a lot of things I could give you all. Help with for new, for new books, new titles and topics,

Kevin 6:48

but we're looking forward to learning more and more about you. And I have just honor and appreciate your courage to step into this because talking about a time when emotions show up you know, they're definitely times like this. So look forward to everything that you're going to share with us. I'm looking forward to being a little bit wiser after this conversation tonight.

Kelly 7:08

Yeah, yeah, and and I will say this, too, that I think for leaders, it's it's especially important because. When, when we talk about emotional intelligence, really, it's about you have to keep a check on your own internal gauge while you're supporting others and trying to meet them where they are. And then you're constantly monitoring yourself. And I think that's just, you know, it's an extra challenge added to leadership plate.

Kevin 7:40

Yeah, I agree.

Debby 7:42

Yeah, another proof of what we said before, right? Leadership is hard. And that's that's one of the main reasons. Another big piece of EQ is self awareness. So can you tell us a little bit about how did being self aware help you, Kelly? And how did you increase your self awareness during this time?

Kelly 8:01

self awareness to me is really about understanding yourself and how you operate. And I know, and I'm very aware that I'm an introverted and private person. I'm not one that, you know, is active on social media. I don't just go spill the beans to anybody. So, here I was faced with this situation, right, where I felt like, I had to adjust quickly. I didn't really have a choice, right? I didn't feel that way anyway other than to learn to be okay with being vulnerable. I was going to these appointments and, exposing myself, you know, physically. And then, emotionally, all the emotions that come with it, I couldn't control sometimes. So I had to be okay with just Letting it go and just being vulnerable. I, I learned right that I don't have control over the circumstance. I don't have control over the outcome, but the one thing I did have control over is how I dealt with it. And so for me, I. I chose to be real about it and transparent. If someone asked me about it, it was kind of, funny for me because I could see the discomfort in others, like when I would talk about it and I'm like, why am I the 1 that's more comfortable talking about it? Like, you feel awkward. Not me. But yeah, so I did. I just put the facts out there. Had to learn to accept the help, right? I, I feel that I'm an independent person. I want to do things on my own. I want to, I want to steer the ship, and I, I couldn't, so I had to be resourceful. I had to be open to accepting help from other people and give myself that grace and that freedom. To express my emotions. There, you know, there was a time I remember I was on, I was on a call with my boss and we were doing a video, a video call. And I just had this wave of emotions hit me. And I just, I had to say, I'm sorry, I just need a moment to regroup. I allowed myself the grace to, Emotions came. I couldn't help it. Took a pause, regrouped, and then we continued on. And, you know, I learned to be okay with that.

Kevin 10:33

So many things, come with self awareness and one of those things is, is being able to manage. And as you were talking about that, I was thinking about how sometimes part of self awareness is knowing when you need help, knowing when you need help, and then being able to accept that help. It's one thing to know yourself and to manage. It's another to be able to manage what you know. What advice would you give us about self management and empowerment?

Kelly 11:04

Yeah, yeah, that's a good, good question. With, I think when you're going through any challenge, right, you have to constantly recalibrate. And for me, for my journey, right, there were, it was I would have a scan. I'd have to wait for results. Then it was then, another scan or testing that took place and then results and and decisions along the way. And so it was a con it was a roller coaster ride that I did not want to be on. I felt like I sat in the seat. My, safety belt wasn't on, but but we took off on the ride anyway, and so lots of ups and downs and what where I'm going with this is a think in that recalibration that has to take place pause before reacting. If you can just take pause, get the facts, get the information, it kind of helps you sift through, calm the emotions, and, and you'll actually realize that there are things in your control. Like, get, know what you know, get the information, then, react and make decisions based on that. The other thing is lean into your strengths. what are you good at? How can it help you in the situation? And that's what I think, is good to think about. Get feedback and be open to feedback. I think that's the bigger part is just being open to the feedback. So, for me, with, with, The, the cancer journey, I needed control. That's how I operate. Right. So I, for me, I was like, I have what is in my control. What am I good at? Well, I'm good at, Business analyst things. I'm good at project management things. And so when I would show up to an appointment, I would come prepared with questions. I wanted to ask the doctors. And before I left each appointment, I said, okay, what are clear next steps? So, okay, I hear you saying, I need to do A, B, C. You're gonna do D, E, F. And so, for me, that was empowerment. I was taking back control. I had the information I needed. I felt educated enough to make good decisions moving forward.

Debby 13:44

Yeah, I love that because I, I feel like you're talking about, like, be clear on your facts, right? We talk about that a lot with leaders is what's facts and what's maybe your opinion or a story that you're telling yourself. Is 1 thing, and I think your advice of. Being clear on what we just talked about what we agreed on and who's doing what is just great leadership advice, right?

Kelly 14:09

Yeah. Yeah. And it is. It's just. It's it's 1 of those. Things that, again, like, when you're feeling, out of control, right? Like, how do I get a grip? So, you know, that's just some ways that you can get, get those facts and, and build off of that. And then it helps to take that calm the emotional piece down so that you can be more clear minded.

Kevin 14:32

That's a gym right there where when you are feeling out of control, do you know what you need to get back into control or to feel like you're back where you need to be? Do you need information? Do you need direction? Do you need support? Do you need time? But you know, what do you really need for you to get that sense back of, okay, now I'm in control of. Me and what I can't control, right? Because there's always things out there that you can't control. But what do you need to get back your self control? I think that's that's a gym to think about in itself.

Kelly 15:11

Yeah, and maybe that's where that self awareness comes into play. Kevin, like, you know, what is it that you need? What drives you internally?

Debby 15:21

Yeah. And I think. What you talked about is a way to get your power back, so you don't feel stuck anymore. Right. You had shared when we started this off, Kelly, that, you know, you, you've had great examples of emotional intelligence. And then I'm sure there's probably been some not so great examples of emotional intelligence in your life. What are some of those examples of when you saw EQ done well, and maybe when it could have been better? Sure.

Kelly 15:49

Yeah, so reflecting on, my journey, there were It, for me, it was everyone, right? Like, I can't tell you enough how I was just so grateful that every interaction I had, be it with doctors and staff, family and friends, co workers, they were showing up and Just spilling out, you know, the E. Q. everywhere. So examples would be, I would go to an appointment and my 1 doctor would draw a picture on the board for me every time. I needed that. Draw me the picture, so that I can be clear. And she would look me right in the eye, and she would say, You're gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay. And she would say it over and over again, and even say, like, Let me be clear. And so every time I had an appointment with her, like, she knew I was looking at her like, I need to hear the words. And, she would say it and I would actually leave her office, maybe with really horrible news that day, but I felt like I'm going to get through this. Like, it's horrible, but I am going to be okay. There were some, like my oncologist right there 1 day got some bad news. Got upset in the office and when, when I was walking out, he said, we'll pray on it. Like, just what I needed at the moment. Right? They're, you know, the, my husband, the day that, i, found out that they just said, Hey, there's something suspicious. At that point, I wasn't even told I had cancer. It was just, we need to explore it further. I, like, hyperventilated. I ran out of the appointment and just was a mess. And he just said, we're gonna go for a drive. And that's what we did. We just drove in silence. He let me just cry it out. He met me where I was. So that's an example. Coworkers, whatever you need, Kelly. Whatever you need, my boss. We're here. Whatever you need, you take care of you. No questions asked. And because of that, right, I was feeling in this, terrible position, confident, empowered, safe. Now, that's good examples, right? That's everything that's going well, and, and where it was demonstrated, right, very well. My sister's situation, completely different. We would show up to appointments, and it was just confusion. Lack of communication. There was, it felt like you were just a number. And so I remember several times leaving her appointments and I was like, It's not even me, and I feel scared and alone and confused and don't know what to do with this situation. And, and that's, Debbie, like, that's what really was hitting me and why I reached out to you. Because I, I couldn't believe the clear distinction. Of what, like, I actually experienced.

Kevin 19:18

When are you talking about that? I read it. And I think it's Daniel Goldman wrote a book called primal leadership. And one of the things that when I read that book, he said, our emotions are on the line. Open systems, meaning that my emotions will impact you. If we're together, if we're interacting, my emotional state will impact you and your emotional state will impact me because the systems are open. And I was thinking about the 2 different experiences that you're talking about how the other people's lack of. Preparation concern, whatever that open system that lack of emotional intelligence impacted, not just your sister, but you also. And so, to me, when we talk about things like this, this is why these things are so important because my emotions will impact my family, my coworkers and, we talk about this from the perspective of leader leaders knowing that. The emotions that you are managing or not managing will impact your people, right? It will. It's just because that's how we are designed. Our emotions are open systems. And so just being aware of that and how I'm so thankful in your situation that the people were providing care, you supposed to care and they provided you care. And part of that care was emotional support. which is part of the whole health care, right? It's part of that care is emotional care.

Kelly 20:52

Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's what was really hitting me, Kevin, because, especially because it was health care and, and such a personal. Situation, right? Like, that's when, like, to me, I'm like, that is really important for these people to show up now. I was thinking to this all does. I know that, we are talking a lot about, my journey with cancer, but this just translate to the workplace, right? Like, there's been. You know, times when leadership has not done a good job, and you can tell that it just cultivates negativity,, there's, with, disengagement, there's lack of transparency, feedback isn't given, it just creates, like, this whole, like, ball of wax that, just goes against building a good culture.

Debby 21:50

when we talk about customer service, how we will always tell people like this may be your 20th phone call today, but this is the 1st time this customer is calling you. Right? So, when you answer the phone and you've had a bad day and you're all crappy to the customer. You know that they don't get it. They don't understand that. it's it's been hard for you that day. And I feel like that can be the same way leaders can fall into that track to, you know, maybe when they're giving feedback, or they're doing performance conversations or different things is this may be the 10th conversation that they've had with someone today, but it's the 1st time. Maybe they're interacting with this person today, or, the, the 1st experience they've had a conversation they've had with this person. So I feel like remembering that. That sometimes can be really helpful. The other thing I was thinking of as you were talking, Kelly, is I kind of see with leaders that there's 2 big areas for them to focus on when it comes to their team. And that's, where each person's competence is and where their confidence is. And I feel like when it comes to EQ, I can remember 1 of the leaders that I had and, you know, she really helped me with my competence because she would say things to me, like. This is 1 of your strengths, so tap into this strength, or you'd be really good at this, or I'm delegating this to you because I know. That you can, you can do this. You do this really well. And then she'd also help me with my confidence just by saying things like you got this. Like, I know you can do this and just kind of like you're saying with the doctor. Sometimes something as simple as sharing an observation or just saying you got this. I mean, that was like, huge motivation and inspiration for me. And so I love that you brought those examples because that's how I saw that show with some of the leaders that I've worked with as well.

Kelly 23:43

Right, right. Exactly. It, it, it does. I mean, it just, I can't say it enough how much it really does impact.

Debby 23:55

So Kelly, when we talked previously, one of the things that you had mentioned to me was really wanting to encourage people to shift their perspective from self image to self love. And that's something we don't really talk about a lot as leaders, right? That love word. We're like you know, that's a, is that, is this something we can talk about? So tell me what could that look like for leaders?

Kelly 24:20

Okay, so you really want to see my passion on this, don't you?

Kevin 24:25

Yes, we do. Yes, we

Kelly 24:26

do. I'm going to say this as clear as possible as a society. I feel that we spend too much energy on what people think of us and how we look to others. So much is invested in creating a fake, Persona, and, especially for leaders, right? Where there's an expectation. We need to show up and we need to perform a certain way and have people think of us and see us in a certain way. And we really need to shift that perspective. Where I'm going with that is, it's not about that. It's not about the way we look physically. It's not about the way we think people see us and how, in our behaviors, it's more about our own self love investing in. Be an okay with set your boundaries, right? We all have, only a certain amount of capacity be okay with that Be present make sure that You're really just being in the moment and in giving your all to whatever it is Whatever's in front of you and being real and acknowledging your feelings, right? Like we all have them and it's okay that we have them. And so just just get real with yourself on that and Think about your higher purpose So, you know, we're going through our day to day and we're just dealing with stuff And again, especially as leaders right a lot gets thrown at you But what is your higher purpose? What are you really trying to? So, my ask would be, as people are listening to this, is get real with yourself. Spend energy on the things that build the strongest version of you, and less energy on the self image part.

Kevin 26:40

Kelly, help me overcome some of my, some of my barriers to this. and, and I'm really not even joking is how do we make that? Do you have any advice on things we can do to help shift that self image to self love? How do you get over some of those hurdles?

Kelly 26:58

Yeah, sure. I mean, it's a constant reframing of the mindset, right? I mean, this isn't a one and done. You don't just say, Oh, today I'm gonna go forth and conquer and just be this new me. So it's, it's just reframing and having to, to. Remind yourself and tell yourself, but in order to do that, you have to break down your internal walls and accept help again. Ask for feedback. Be okay with that, right? Because sometimes that actually, a lot of times it's very helpful for people to give you feedback on how you reacted to certain things or certain behaviors that you do. And I think regardless of the challenge, big or small, that you're, that anyone goes through, it's about finding the lessons along the way. So again, you know, using my, my situation, I was like, okay, I I'm gonna be present now. Like, this is my lesson going through this, is I need to be more present. I'm gonna be there Family, friends, whatever it is, I'm going to be in the moment and not be so distracted about everything else. I created a stronger bond with my family and friends, so that was, a takeaway from me going through this, this whole cancer journey. And I learned to make self love a priority, set my boundaries, right? I, I know I can only do so much and I, and I have to be okay with that. And every day I have to go forward with a grateful mindset. I think the other thing is one, example, Debbie, I was sharing with you is, is my, my what ifs, right? In the beginning when I was going through all of these. Tests and scans and, and decisions to make, you know, big decisions, surgery, chemo very impactful things. And I kept saying, what, what if, what if I don't make the right decision, what if I have a recurrence, what if I, what if I don't make it through this and then I had to reframe my mind, reframe it. But what if Kelly, what if. You do get through all of this, and you're just, you're fine, and you're right where you're meant to be, and you go on and live your life. What if? So it is, it's about just a constant reframing.

Kevin 29:38

Thank you. I know we, we all have to, dig deep and dig deeper. This is not easy, you know, this is not easy stuff to do until we have to, Dig, dig deeper and we've, we've almost been conditioned to care more about what other people think than what we think. So I appreciate you, you sharing this because I know there's some probably some tough days. When you were, the F word, which nobody wants to talk about is fear. Right when you had fear, but being able to dig deep inside and find this place of self love. It's powerful.

Kelly 30:19

Yeah. Yeah. And you're right, Kevin, like, fear, fear was definitely my sidekick the whole time.

Debby 30:26

Well, you kicked fear to the curb there, Kelly told us how, and I love, I love the shout out to gratitude, especially as we're going into Thanksgiving week, make reminding ourselves that not to focus on. All the things we think aren't going well, the things we don't have and make sure we're focusing on what is going well, you know what we're grateful for what we do have that as well. Well, Kelly again, we appreciate you so much being here and being willing to share your experience. And we're really with that higher purpose. of helping other people. But before we let you go, we have three questions that we ask all of our guests. So the first one is, what is a book that you believe a leader coach should read?

Kelly 31:13

Not sure if you know of this, you all probably are aware, but Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek. Love that one because I just feel like he really does a good job of He reinforces that basic idea that it's a privilege to lead. So, focus on your people, make sure that you have shared values, build that culture of trust, and then, you become this united front and they're going to give back to you as much as you should be giving to them. And I just, he really does a good job. And to me, just. And I'm just putting it in very simple, simple terms, a very simple way.

Debby 31:56

Yeah. That's a good one. So our next question is, what question have you been asked that just gave you pause and made you just think, maybe think a little deeper or a little differently about something?

Kelly 32:10

What will be your legacy? That's a doozy. So, yeah. Yeah. Because I think, you know, it's one of those where you, when you start to really think about it, it's. what do you want your legacy to be versus what legacy are you creating right now? And so yeah, that one makes me kind of pause and think about like what that is.

Debby 32:36

Kelly, besides what we talked about today, what is your word on coaching?

Kelly 32:42

Authenticity you know, back to my point of the, fake persona and putting so much energy into that. Wouldn't it be great if we just showed up as our true selves and everything else falls into place?

Debby 32:56

Right, thank you. So thank you for being a leader, Kelly, and for, and for being authentically yourself tonight. We appreciate it. Kevin, as always, it has been a pleasure. Thank you for your wisdom as well. And we want to thank our audience. We have lots of great podcasts out there, so check out some more if you like tonight, you'll probably like some other ones that we have out there. So if you haven't listened take a look at the different words that we've already talked about. You can connect with us on our coaches free Facebook page. And also, the holidays are coming up, so our book, The Word on Coaching, is available. Buy one for yourself, buy some for some friends they're a great gift to, to give to lots of other people. And until next time, that is The Word on Coaching.