#74: The Power of Having Them Call the Rehab

In this Pocket Guide episode of the Unbreakable Boundaries Podcast, host Jennifer Maneely walks parents and caregivers through the crucial step of having a loved one personally call rehab centers. Building on the previous episode about narrowing options down to three facilities, Jennifer explains why it’s essential that the person seeking treatment—not their family—makes the actual calls.

She breaks down how this process helps your loved one build “skin in the game,” advocate for themselves, and practice asking for help—skills that are vital for long-term recovery. Jennifer also shares why having the addicted person speak directly with rehabs can lead to better financial support or scholarships and reduce the risk of centers simply leaning on parents for higher out-of-pocket payments.

The episode addresses the emotional challenge of “letting go” as a parent, how to know if your loved one is truly ready for rehab based on their willingness to make those calls, and why forcing treatment can backfire and damage their long-term mindset about recovery. Jennifer closes by inviting listeners to reach out for individualized support and previews the next Pocket Guide episode on what to expect once your loved one is actually in rehab.

Transcript

Jen: 0:00

Welcome back to the unbreakable boundaries podcast with your host. Myself, Jennifer Maneely, this is going to be another pocket guide episode. And if you haven't listened to the previous Pocket Guide episode, that one was about finding rehab centers when all you have is a website and how to do that. And this one is going to tie right in a little bit. So this next one is going to be all about, how do you make that phone call to rehabs there is very nuanced. I'm going to give you some tips and pointers on what are some of the best practices when you're trying to get your loved one in, into a rehab and and it is going to be a fairly difficult challenge for you, as I'm speaking to the parents right now, but or or the caretakers, or whatever you are, it's going to be hard because this is going to be about you letting go a little bit. And sometimes that can feel really hard because they are struggling. Obviously they need rehab, and so they're really struggling, and they're used to being taken care of and all of those things. Here's some thoughtful tips though on how to go about that phone call. So in the last episode, we talked about narrowing things down into three choices, right? And we're going to bring those three choices that you have narrowed it down, and we're going to lay them out in front of your loved one when they have said, I am ready and willing to go to rehab. This is assuming that they have said they are willing and ready to go to rehab, you're going to lay this out in front of them, and they are going to make the phone calls. There is a couple very important reasons as to why this is the way that it needs to be the first, most valuable, important reasoning is one, we're giving them the choice they need to have some skin in the game. When it comes to having them choose the rehab that they want to go to, it involves the mindset, and it involves them having more of a buy in to the place that they are entering into, right? So that's one very important mindset, reasoning, why we have them make those phone calls and lay them out and have them do the choosing right now, if they want to find themselves another rehab outside of those three that they seem to want that is different than the three that you've chosen. Great. They can go and find their own rehab and and take that take charge of that piece of things, wonderful. But then when it comes to actually making the phone call. The reason why it's so important is one is they have already chosen the rehab that they want to go to. Now they make that phone call. This is helping them in that mindset, learning how to one advocate for themselves, to how do they ask for help? Because that is going to be an important piece of the recovery process on an ongoing basis, is learning how to ask for help. We, myself included, we cannot stay clean if we don't know how to ask for help. And so when people are just constantly doing everything for us. We're not building those internal muscles. This is their first opportunity. This helps coming into the recovery process with a lot more buy in for them, and this is a crucial piece for them to have, is starting to learn how to advocate. It's also telling them that that they this is they are taking charge of their life, right? So you're stepping away, you're stepping to the side, you're not doing things for them anymore. They are taking charge, but they also feel supported because you're there along the way, you've helped them. Kind of narrow things down, but you're not going to do the heavy lifting for them anymore. This is, I cannot tell you how crucial this piece is, right? So allow them to make that phone call. So the other really important piece when they are making the phone calls, as opposed to you. And I am not saying that all rehabs are like this, right, but there are some out there. And because we are going, I'm, I'm making the assumption that we, all we've had at this point is a website, Ray. Right? So we don't know who these people are really and and it can be. We just don't know much about the the actual rehab and the structure when, when the parents have a tendency to make the phone calls, and I've seen this happen time and time, again and again. I'm not saying all rehabs do this, because they certainly don't. But all of a sudden, knowing that the parents are involved, they're going to try to get as much money out of the parents as they can for the out of pocket expenses. Of course, this is negating, like, here's the deal is, is insurance does, won't often cover every single dollar. There's deductibles. It's very confusing. Now they will be able on this phone call, they will be able to kind of run your insurance and let you know what is going to be your out of pocket expense. If they can't tell you what your out of pocket expenses are going to be before you enter that's not a great place. You should know up front how much you're going to end up having to spend now, it's going to be as most, as much as they can get. And this isn't being greedy. I it's, you know, it's a, it's a, it's, it's a, it's a business, right? They have to make money, and I get that. But there's also different ways, and I firmly believe that it's important that your loved one starts living within their means. They start doing with what's in their means, not what's what in your means, right? And I think that's a really important piece. And so when they make the phone calls, rehabs are much likelier, not all of them, but are much likelier to work with someone that's going to have out of pocket expenses. It could look in the forms of scholarships. It can say, hey, we're going to cut you a little bit of a deal. It may not be 100% but it's going to be a much lower amount of money they have to pay because they know that the people coming into rehab, they don't have money. They never have money. They have ways of getting people help, especially if it's a, if it's a, I don't want to say good or bad, I'm just saying if it's if it's if it's a rehab that has funds that can scholarship, they often will, especially if you have a loved one that's saying, I really need help. I need somewhere to go. I need a bed. I am desperate. Then oftentimes that place, even if it's not their place, will find them somewhere safe to go that is within their means, right? But if the parents are making those phone calls, the likelihood of them, of your loved one, getting that level of support and help that they need financially, kind of goes out the window. So as soon as the parents get involved in this, you lose a little bit of leverage, right? This is just kind of part of the game. And I hate to say it like that, but that's what we're doing here. That's what we're facing. That's what we're up against. I again, I cannot reiterate enough how important it is for people to live with in their means, right? There are certain circumstances. I'm not saying let's not help them at all, but if you do end up financially having to help, right, let's structure an agreement of what it's going to look like for that help, and that's a whole nother conversation. That's something I would need to kind of work with someone, one on one, on how to structure that agreement, because I need more information. But there's an agreement that creates more of an exchange, which I'm pretty big on, than just kind of giving them money, because they need the skin in the game they just do right? And so that's really the most important things about what it means to make that phone call. What you will need when you are making these phone calls is obviously have your insurance information ready. They are used to running people's insurance to see what the cost is going to be, so just have that ready so you're not floundering during that phone call. Anyway, if you need a little bit more. Guidance and support on what you're facing directly, because I can't, I can't answer all, all sorts of questions without knowing the circumstances. Please feel free to reach out to me. You can just go to my website, at the recovering family.org or you can email me directly, Jennifer at the recovering family.org and we can talk more about your situation. And what does it mean going into this, this world where you're starting to have to look at making these phone calls, and if you're struggling letting go a little bit, that's also a good enough reason to maybe reach out, because I can kind of help really hone in onto why, even more onto why it's so important that you take a back seat to this and let them do the work. Allowing them to do the work also lets you know where their mindset really is at. If they are just unwilling to make these phone calls, then you know that, that they're unwilling to actually go to rehab, and why waste the time and money? And I hate to say it like that, and I'm not saying that it's not dangerous. And of course, we want to get them the help that they need, but if they go into that rehab, it's it's not going to serve them, and then they're going to get they're going to get more and more frustrated with the rehab as a whole to the point where they will never want to go to rehab, because they've been to them so many freaking times, but they've never been to them when they are ready, and that's a whole different mindset going into a rehab when someone is ready. Now we don't. We're not talking about outcomes. We're just talking about the willingness and the readiness, at least at that moment. It's a whole different mindset going into something, and we certainly don't want them to write rehabs off all together. And the more we try to force people into rehab, the more likelihood is that they are not going to ever want to go to rehab because they think that they've tried it and they've tried it and they've tried it and it didn't work, and then and then you can't convince them of anything else. So we want to be mindful of trying to force people into that rehab, because it can actually cause long, longer term mindset damage. Then what we hope it has those unintended consequences to them. So anyway, I hope this pocket guide was helpful. Stay tuned for the next one. The next one is going to be, what can you kind of expect while they are in there, so that's going to be a really important one. So stay tuned. You.