Playing Injured
Playing Injured reminds us that life challenges us all—athletes aren’t the only ones who play hurt. Whether it’s setbacks or unexpected curveballs, our response defines who we are and how we grow. This podcast explores the universal journey of resilience and perseverance, inspiring listeners to face adversity head-on.
Ranked in the top 2.5% of podcasts globally, hosts Josh Dillingham and Mason Eddy—entrepreneurs and former collegiate athletes—deliver over 100 episodes featuring diverse voices. They explore mindsets, uncover strategies, and motivate listeners to thrive and play through anything.
Playing Injured
The Power of Sobriety: Reclaiming Joy Without Alcohol
Lauren Fay joins us to share her transformative journey to sobriety and how living alcohol-free has allowed her to create the life of her dreams. With 7.5 years of sobriety under her belt, Lauren discusses how removing alcohol from her life gave her the time, space, and energy to truly play and experience life authentically.
• When drinking, Lauren wasn't truly living - there was too much recovery time and mental obsession
• Society equates fun with alcohol, making it difficult to imagine socializing without drinking
• Alcohol silences our loud thoughts, but removing it requires learning how to manage those thoughts sober
• "Alcohol is the only drug you have to justify NOT taking" - the strange social pressure to drink
• External changes (new jobs, locations) don't solve alcohol issues because "wherever you go, there you are"
• The neutral zone: finding peace in everyday existence between high highs and low lows
• Choosing yourself isn't abandoning others - it's creating space for better things in your life
• True self-love means extending love to others instead of withholding it
• Being of service to others can help heal yourself during difficult times
Look for Lauren's upcoming memoir "Blurred Lines: My Reclamation of Power from Alcohol Addiction" coming in 2025. Connect with her at laurenfaycoaching.com to learn more about alcohol-free living.
Follow Playing Injured on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/playinginjured/
All right, Welcome to another episode of Playing Injured. We have Lauren Fay, who is an alcohol-free empowerment coach, speaker and author. She also has a book coming out called Blurred Lines. I told her it was the perfect title and I'm looking forward to this episode. Lauren, welcome to the show.
Speaker 2:Thanks, josh, thanks for having me.
Speaker 1:I love it, so I always start the show with who is Lauren and how does she spend her time today?
Speaker 2:Lauren today loves to be outside, loves anything that has to do with water. The ocean is my most favorite, though. I like to surf. I love to stand up paddleboard. I love to sleep on my stand up paddleboard. I love to sleep on my stand up paddleboard. I love to car camp. I walk on trails. I'm not too big of a hiker but I just love to play outside. I love to cycle, but I would say, if I had to say my most favorite activity right now, it would definitely be my stand up paddleboard would definitely be my stand-up paddleboard.
Speaker 1:You know what? First of all didn't prep for the show to go this way, but I actually love your answer. I'm going to tell you why. Sitting in therapy for myself, right, always focused, always wanting to work, always, you know, thinking about kind of getting traction in some form or fashion. And I got a question of what do you do for fun? What's fun for you? And I asked friends near dear to me hey, what do you do for fun? I ask people often what do they do for fun? And mostly fun is and mostly fun is going out with your buddies grabbing some beer, maybe with the ladies grabbing some wine going out.
Speaker 1:It's alcohol involved. That's where we have Right, and so I was looking at your website Right and as a quote that I saw, it said living in alcohol free life has allowed me to create and live the life of my dreams. Now I have time, space and energy to truly play Experiences I knew I was missing out on when I was stuck in the cycle of drinking. Now I wrote this quote because of the thoughts that I had about play and trying to find ways to have fun. And here you are when you describe who you are and what do you do? It was all things of play, of fun, so I love that and I would love for you to unpack that more.
Speaker 2:You know, I quite honestly, completely forgot that anything related to alcohol could have been an answer to that question. It is literally that so far out of my mind and out of the way that I live. I'm seven and a half years sober, seven and a half years alcohol free and I just forgot that it absolutely would have been something to do with red wine or something to do with a vodka martini, a hundred percent. But what I really like, the whole foundation upon which I coach and which I live, is that when I was I'll just speak for myself when I was drinking alcohol, I wasn't truly living.
Speaker 2:There were plenty of fun times, but there was also so much time for me recovering from the drink. There was so much time for me, for me like obsessing over the drink if I was going to drink, if I wasn't going to drink, and that like mental back and forth. And so when I think about it being fun, compared to like having fun, today it was, I was kind of like false fun, you know, and today it feels very organic and very real and easy and, quite honestly, when I think about this life and we have no idea how much time we have it's like play is definitely a word that I like to keep in the forefront of my mind Play is definitely a word that I like to keep in the forefront of my mind.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, yeah, how can I guess? Because I know I've struggled with this and I still struggle with fun. My idea of fun, right, and it usually has come from, you know, spring break in college. I think about the fun times. I think about, you know, all the times out. But along with that fun, I do think about the crazy hangovers, the times I might have woken up late for a practice and getting in trouble for it, the times where, you know, I show up late for work, times where I've been unproductive. From that fun as well, miss opportunities have come. With that fun and I know people listen to this can relate to those moments, right?
Speaker 2:Yes, and especially as I'm writing my book, which is memoir, I had to really put myself back in my drinking days and there are so many cringeworthy moments. You know that I'm putting in my book for everyone to read and it's like that. That wasn't fun. You know. There's a long list of things that I would have been fine if I hadn't have done so, and what do you think is fun?
Speaker 1:like if you had to describe fun, because I just oh go ahead oh yeah, I just think we need to change our relationship to what it means well, oh my gosh, you totally just nailed it.
Speaker 2:it's exactly to your understanding of it and to your own definition of it. I know for my mom, fun for for her is if she could be uninterrupted for the entire day with her book and like a cup of hot tea, and that is her ideal fun. And so I think that it's most important to just be really honest with yourself, and it doesn't matter if it looks different from other people's idea of fun. Um, if it gives you that inner joy, then then you're nailing it and that's the most important thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was looking. I saw something on your Instagram where you talked about that attunement to self, right, really being in alignment with self and listening to your intuition, and so you just reminded me that of you talk about that inner joy in really being in alignment with it, right, when you go out and drink, is it? You know, hey, are you really feeling that inner joy or are you just in routine, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, in routine, in ritual, in habit and again, I'm not here to villainize alcohol I think that there are plenty of times where you go out with your friends and it is fun, but as it stacks and stacks and as you recover more from over consuming or as you have less energy to go to practice or to hit the gym or to, you know, show up at work, then we get to look at the picture and the macro and say, like, in the big picture, is this really fun or is this really having all of the you know effects in my life the way that I want it to? And that's comes back down to being really honest with yourself. But yeah, of course there's some nights where I love to dance. Now I just do it sober which.
Speaker 2:I didn't know was possible, but it is. So I'll still go to the clubs and I'll still dance and sit in my club soda with a lime, um.
Speaker 1:So yeah, just getting honest with yourself and tuning in to that, that inner guidance yeah, now, now you know you mentioned it like going out and dancing without, um, being inebriated, or yeah, right, and so I feel like a lot of folks drink because they don't want to think right, that thinking is holding them back from truly fully expressing right. And so I know when I you know, when I told you, when I reached out to you about this podcast, I went about six months in 2024 last year without drinking any alcohol. The number one thing that I realized was my thinking and how loud it was. It was so loud when I would go and do things without it, right, going to, and I did everything I would.
Speaker 1:I would go on dates and I would have to explain, hey, I'm not drinking alcohol, right, and usually, actually that went well. Going out to bars, dinner without it. My mind was so loud, right, of self-conscious thoughts how are people receiving me this, this and that? And the first thing I would realize when I'm with a group of friends is like, let's go to the bar, like they obviously had those feelings too of of that thinking being turned up extremely loud. And so, um, that was the first thing that I noticed was how loud my thinking was.
Speaker 2:I can relate to that so much. And also I just want to really congratulate you and honor you in going six months, because that is a big feat, you know, a personal accomplishment. But also to be alcohol free in our society today that is, you know, lubricated by alcohol and very socially acceptable. It's hard to break away. You belong when you drink. You then somehow don't belong when you don't. We have to find a way to. So I just want to honor you that. And giving yourself six months is huge, because the first 30 days is the detox. The first 30 days is the body just being like oh, thanks for the break.
Speaker 2:You know, I'll start, I'll start coming back online now. Um and detox, not medical detox. Just, you know the purge. So, with that being said, um, the noise so loud, and I know that people often think like the saying is they drink to cover their pain or things like that. You don't have to be so down and so dark, you know, to drink alcohol For me, I am an overachiever, I put a lot of pressure on myself, I have perfectionism tendencies, I get overwhelmed very easily, and so the alcohol was my exhale, right, and in that exhale, those thoughts and the noise kind of dropped a little bit.
Speaker 2:Like you said, the volume turned up when you took away the alcohol. And for me, like I drank the alcohol and which, if you haven't heard of it or if your listeners haven't heard of it, it's a 10 day silent meditation and total silence. Not only are you not talking, you're also not writing, you're not making eye contact, and it was and it's like 12 hours of meditation a day. My physical body was in so much pain but I was like, oh, my God, god, it is so loud in my brain, so loud in my body, and everything was just amplified. And that's how I knew that just taking out the alcohol isn't the full picture like we had. We stopped drinking and there's so much more to do yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:So you talk about it too. The mind and the body, right, and I'm sure you know you have clients today that deal with maybe that feeling in their chest, that anxiousness of you know, maybe a networking event. You know, anytime it feels like anytime you do anything, there's sometimes a problem involved, right, and you feel it in your chest, maybe, that anxiety maybe in your mind. Right, you want to loosen up, you want to kind of turn that thinking down, but it has to be a way to do that sober, right.
Speaker 2:There is and it takes practice. It definitely doesn't just come online immediately, but I think it really also comes to just asking yourself a lot of curious questions like why do I have so many of these thoughts in? I will notice that a lot of our thoughts are the same.
Speaker 2:There's a lot of repetitive thoughts going on, a lot of repetitive stories going on, whether you're body shaming yourself or money shaming yourself, or career shaming yourself, whatever it might be and so then we just get to ask, like, why is that the story you know? And then, once we kind of dismantle that, the noise can get a little bit quieter. We just have to stop fueling it. So can you do it sober, absolutely, in fact, I think you do it better sober, because you are online to have this really deep introspection.
Speaker 1:And you get to know yourself better. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you really do get to. It gets really, really real. One, when you get real with yourself, but two, when you just take out the thing that's that's altering your, your personality, that's maybe misaligning you from your values, that's maybe having you say things you wouldn't say or do things you would normally do.
Speaker 1:And then it gets really real, but also too right what I've started to realize too, especially in today's society, most folks don't have conversations with strangers or different things like that without alcohol, right? So if I had to describe the day of you know somebody here in America, I'm thinking about somebody who, when they leave the house, they put their headphones on go to work, right, and then hey, at work maybe they have their headphones on, they're working with music or whatever the case may be.
Speaker 1:they have their work calls, they leave, they go to the grocery store they have their headphones on, and then they go to the gym they have their headphones on. They have their headphones on all the way until they get to work and they haven't really interacted with people, right? It's almost like that social anxiety of just wanting to be in your own inner bubble and then, you know, until you have alcohol is when you kind of open up and start to uh express yourself and different things like that. So that's another thing that I've observed too.
Speaker 2:You know, something I learned about myself when I stopped drinking alcohol was I'm actually not as extroverted as I thought I was. Like I actually love my quiet time, I love my alone time. I'm like a self-labeled, like lone wolf, but I have my close friends, I have my partnerships. You know, it's all good, but to me it was the alcohol kind of falsely opened me up because something that I learned in my sobriety as well, as I'm very highly sensitive and I'm very tuned into the energy around me, and so I'd go out and be very social and then I'd come home and I'd be exhausted, you know, and I didn't understand why.
Speaker 2:And it was like I was just overextending myself beyond what I would normally do if I really knew who I was and that I like I'm good in small bursts, you know, um, but what you were saying, with, like headphones on head down, you know, in Seattle we call that the Seattle freeze Like I'm a cyclist, you know, you, you, it's just like you wave your hand to the person you pass and like there's no eye contact, there's no hand wave. It's just the weirdest, weirdest thing. So I understand using the alcohol to then come out of that. Yeah, I mean again, I get it like it is a tool, I totally get it, and so again, not here to villainize it, but, um, it's possible to learn how to do that without it exactly, and so that's.
Speaker 1:I guess that is my when. When I talk about the relationship with it, it's the consciousness of am I relying on it? Yeah, Am I having fun with it and enjoying it?
Speaker 2:right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's that recognition of. Am I able to enjoy conversations, dance freely right, actually understand the way my mind works in thoughts and I'm able to let those thoughts bypass and just live my life without depending on alcohol to to help me.
Speaker 2:I think that's the conscious piece of it all yeah, it is, and you said something that just made me think about. You know, when we really tune into what feels good in our bodies, it's possible that the conversations one is having while under the influence of alcohol, as a tool again to support them in the conversation, isn't actually that fulfilling or that like rewarding, or maybe isn't actually people they they want to converse with, and so that's interesting too, where you get to to like I know I just oh my gosh, small talk is painful for me, but I could small talk anyone's face off if I was drinking my martini, right, so you do Again. You just come back into that self-attunement process, that inner awareness, and there's some things that maybe you liked doing or you thought were fine while you were drinking. That just won't work for you anymore when you're not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%, and you'll realize that if you go out without alcohol, you'll realize, first of all, how crazy things can be, and then you also realize the conversations You're like, wow, I can't believe this is what I was entertaining, right, it'll start to become apparent, Right. Another thing that I think is tough is kind of living in accordance to your own values, especially when it comes to something like alcohol. It was so crazy when I was going through kind of that six month journey where I would tell folks, hey, I'm, you know, I'm not drinking, or whatever the case may be. And one, I do think that people did understand it, but they thought I had a problem. They thought it was a problem and they would ask me about, hey, what happened? And then I think, two, it was always a question of why you are not doing it, and it's crazy that for us to, um, us not drinking poison is actually something that is. I wouldn't say that, I wouldn't say people look down upon me, but they did have questions. They questioned what I was doing.
Speaker 2:Right, yes, yes. So there's a the saying, especially in the alcohol free community, that alcohol is the only drug you have to justify not taking, and it's a very bizarre place for a person to be and the shame and the stigma around maybe having a problem with alcohol is. It's really unfortunate that that's true because it will stop someone who actually maybe has a self-proclaimed problem with alcohol to actually get started on the stopping process. And it's just, it's really challenging to one make the decision in the first place because again you're pulling yourself out of the norm. One, make the decision in the first place because again you're you're pulling yourself out of the norm. And then, two, to have to explain yourself to someone.
Speaker 2:Right, especially if you're not totally solid and so grounded in your decision, it can be very easy to have that coming at you, sway you to go back to like, stop pressuring me, okay, I'll do it, I'll drink, you know. Yeah. So I'm curious, like I can tell you how I coach my clients. But like, what did you say? What did you say when people asked you why you weren't drinking?
Speaker 1:I think I remember telling them that I was on a challenge.
Speaker 1:Right, I would just say I was on a challenge.
Speaker 1:Telling them that I was on a challenge, right, I would just say I'm on a challenge, even if I even let's say if I, I would make it seem as if it was temporary, because it wasn't six months, wasn't the plan. It was okay, dry, dry January. And then I was like, whoa, the way how sharp I feel, feel very sharp, my skin feels really good and it's cleaning up. I see the health benefits first. And then what it felt like to not be hung over for a month felt amazing. And then it was like, okay, let's do another one, let's do another one. And it just I, just I was slow to get back to it because I loved the way I was feeling, slow to get back to it because I love the way I was feeling.
Speaker 1:And I would just tell folks you know, I'm on a challenge. So it was like it was temporary, it was, it was not like I don't drink anymore at all, it was I am on a challenge. And then folks would kind of understand and they would want to know a little bit more about it, right? And then you have some folks who like come on, like, drink, drink. Like the folks that would force me to do it, I started to realize that they also know that they need to make a change themselves too. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, you had like three things that you said that really stood out to me, because the first is because it makes me feel really good to not drink. It is a super valid response but also the illusion of it being temporary, whether it is or not. If someone's in it for forever, they can still portray it as temporary, because the group conscious of the people that you're with now no longer feel like you're abandoning them.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, and so their guards are down. They don't have to worry about it. So that's a great strategy. And then the third one was oh my gosh, it's people who pushed, oh yeah, yeah, people who pushed, who pushed oh yeah, yeah, it's very interesting the ones that like really come at you because perhaps they are confronted by their own unhealthy relationship with alcohol and you're just a mirror in their face and some people don't want to see it.
Speaker 2:And they can get really upset by seeing it. You know that's not your fault, that's definitely a them problem, but that's a big one one too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%, and um, also too. What I realized is that the people around you will start to want to um, take some interest and they will also not want to drink as well. I, you know, I had countless friends say you know what I'm not drinking tonight either, like I don't want to drink as well. I, you know, I had countless friends say you know what I'm not drinking tonight either, like I don't want to drink tonight. Either Right, or they um, they wouldn't wake up the next day or the next morning and they would envy the way I felt.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So they would be like, man, I wish I would have did what you did. And so it might start as folks questioning you, right it might. It might develop into them pushing you and then it might develop into them wanting to kind of do what you do, right Yep.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's that. It's that ripple effect. You know, the and also the ones who get it, whether they are alcohol free or not, will stay in your life and the ones who don't get it will just fall away. You know, someone who's going alcohol free doesn't need to just give up all of their alcohol drinking friends. I mean, you can if you want to. I feel like it's a little extreme.
Speaker 2:I think you'll, over time, discern whether you want to continue those friendships or not if they are fulfilling you and, you know, aligning with you. But when you just stay the course, you know, oftentimes people just don't want to be the first to go, or they just don't want to go alone. And so now you're the example, you stay the course and then, like you said, that curiosity comes in like damn, you've been at it for a month now and you're like, why would you? Because you feel really okay, like I'll give it a try, things like that. So I think that there's this ripple effect where, like, yes, first you're doing it for yourself and then, unbeknownst to you, you are also positively setting out this like goodbye message to the people around you and some are going to jump on the same boat and then some are going to stay on the shore, and that's totally fine.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%, and I think um, you said it perfectly letting those relationships kind of evolve naturally, right? I think a lot of times folks just you know what, I'm cutting everybody off, I'm cutting things off. You actually have to come from a place of empathy, right, and understand, because at first, when folks would push me, I would be like why are they pushing me? Why can't they just understand what's going on? And then I would kind of take a step back and I'd be like, oh, it's a mirror, it's something that is an insecurity for them, and so I had to kind of take a step back.
Speaker 1:And what's crazy is that you start to realize this in all things in life. If you start to go on a healthier diet, folks will question that. If you start to exercise and work out more, people will question that Train for a marathon. You start to do bodybuilding, you start a business. Whenever you start to do things that are counter cultural, folks will question you. And so I feel like this is a good way to start to practice that, because if you do want to live in alignment with who you are, you will truly start to live a life that most folks don't live, and you'll have to be able to understand how to handle um these things yeah, and like how you do something.
Speaker 2:One thing in life is really how you do so many things in your life and for me it it was the Lauren that was behind closed doors and her alcohol was not the Lauren that was portrayed to the world.
Speaker 2:Um, I definitely came off as a very confident, very outgoing, you know, happy, energetic, motivated, all of that to the outside world. And then I would come home and just you know, kind of self-sabotage and what I learned through my sobriety is like I can truly accomplish what I set my mind to, because staying sober again it's no small feat and it's like I can do her, and I know I can do hard. I mean, I'm a collegiate athlete. Like I know what it is to set a goal and hit that goal, I know what it means to win, and I just forgot all of that, you know. But when I got sober, like all of that came back online and I just remembered how to, how to push through the heart, how to not quit when things get crunchy, you know. And then that trickled into becoming an entrepreneur and it just has this ripple effect and it becomes like your character strengthens in some areas and then it trickles into many areas of your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you? You? You start to develop confidence in who you are in your path and understanding that it's okay for people not to understand you.
Speaker 2:Which is tough. We want to be liked, we want to be accepted.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I know for me, I truly struggle with that. Yeah, truly struggle with that. Yeah, you know, I truly struggle with um being feeling accepted and um people seeing me in a in a positive light, right, um, and so it is when I start to realize that I can, would I rather abandon others or would I rather abandon myself, abandon others or would I rather abandon myself?
Speaker 2:That is such a powerhouse question and I hope everyone took it in the way. I just took it in because I know for a fact when I was drinking I was self-abandoning and it's so like soulfully painful to abandon yourself.
Speaker 2:It's so painful to abandon yourself and it's just like you know you're on the airplane. You got to put your own oxygen mask on first, and so it was like, hey, you got to choose you and there might be some collateral damage and you might ruffle some feathers and some people might drop away. But when we think about all of that in your energy field, when that drops away, you've created so much space for new things to come in and I just think that choosing yourself has again this ripple effect of really great things happening in your life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's. I mean letting go can be hard because we don't realize that it's better out there. Because we don't realize that it's better out there, yeah, right, yeah, and we are. We would rather have that familiarity kind of vibe that we feel when things are the same my same friends, my same routines, not understanding that it is better out there if we let it go.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, we're such creatures of habit and ritual you know drinking that drink before you even realize you've opened the bottle and poured it. But the familiar, what you just said is a huge, huge point to articulate on further. Because sobriety is unknown, right. So, like, even if your relationship with alcohol is unhealthy and even if you're not fully fulfilled and satisfied and energetic every single day, you still know it, like you know it. And even if you're uncomfortable, there's some comfort in that discomfort because it's familiar.
Speaker 2:And now someone is like maybe going to take this leap and they don't know. They don't know what's on the other side, they don't know what they're going to land on. If they're landing on grass, on rocks, if it's a freaking black hole, they're just going to go down. Like they don't know. And so you stay in the familiar and it's like you just got to let go. Trust, trust fall. Will there be a net to catch you? And, quite honestly, there's also this saying, like the rock bottom saying, and it's like you can bounce off of rock bottom as many times as you want as long as you eventually like, keep going up so you can let go. And if, um, strategy number one didn't work for you and maybe like work through it again and try a second time or try a third time, but just keep trying until you actually feel like satisfied and fulfilled and happy, you know, in your life.
Speaker 1:yeah and it's it's even crazy, because we can know something is really good on the other side as well yes.
Speaker 2:well, that's why we have like living proof of people that have already done it. And so for you, for instance, in your friend group, going first and then others trickling, you were the example that it can't be good. And that's why I love coaching, because I get to be the example that it can be good. And it's like, yes, you don't have the experience yet, like you have an experience that it can be good, but if you can trust me, I promise like I will hold your hand and I will guide you to it being good. So we just have to. We can always find what isn't going to work if we look for it, but we can also find what does work and what is going right if we look for it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, so take us through your journey a little of your journey then, because I'm sure when you went sober, you said seven and a half years ago, right Sometime in 2018, I'm sure that wasn't the first time you tried right, or it wasn't it kind of was.
Speaker 2:So I was a fitness instructor at the time and so I had done challenge after challenge with you know, planks or squat, whatever, like I was all good with that. But I honestly have no memory of challenging myself to go alcohol-free. It was part of my identity. I drank red wine with dinner. I would get a top shelf vodka martini if I went out with friends, and so I just don't remember taking a break.
Speaker 2:Now did I say I'm not drinking tomorrow? Yes, like I probably said that a thousand times. Then, of course, I woke up the next day, probably started my day with yoga and a green juice and I felt really good and then, by the time like dinner rolled around, I had that glass of red wine. So truly no recollection of an extended break with alcohol. So when I decided to get sober again, this was seven and a half years ago, I just checked myself into a treatment center because I didn't know what else to do. Um, I I honestly didn't know if there were, like any other options than that, so I just went to one and that was 21 straight days being alcohol free, and I know for a fact that was my longest streak going alcohol free, and then I just obviously kept it going.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you remember? And cause? I remember thinking like, wow, cause I remember going. Maybe've gone without alcohol, maybe in 10 years, right, I wonder how many people out there have been drinking alcohol regularly for over the last decade? Last 20, you know? I started to think about it. I was like man, my body probably needs this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was definitely a decade worth of drinking as well. I think my my longest streak alcohol free was probably. I lived in Hawaii, I was I'm a road cyclist, like a hundred mile rides, things like that and I I got hit by a car, so I was laid up and so I wasn't drinking alcohol, and I remember, though I wanted to have a glass of wine, and my boyfriend at the time was like no, you're not going to have a glass of wine. Your body's healing, and it didn't. It didn't click to me that putting this in my body would take away the energy that my body needs to heal the injuries, like it. Just there was no connection to the negative repercussions of alcohol.
Speaker 2:Honestly, and part of that is I don't have anyone in my family that abused alcohol, so I don't have like, I never witnessed it. You know, firsthand, my whole family are normal social drinkers, and so that's what I was striving to be. But then, on the medication that I was on, when I finally did have a glass of wine, probably a week or a week and a half into recovering, it didn't taste good, like the medication made it taste weird, and I remember being like do I, do I not like it anymore and being who would I be if I didn't drink this wine? And that was even before I recognized I had a problem with alcohol. So of course, all of this is in hindsight, but yeah, there were so many signs that I was was like.
Speaker 1:This is very important to me yeah, and what do you think made it important, so I would love, because you had a relationship with it. What do you think your relationship with it was? What do you think you need it? And then had it. What do you think it is now, or what did it develop into?
Speaker 2:I think it started as kind of a way to fit in. You know, I started drinking in high school even though I was a almost straight A student, even though I was a varsity athlete, even though I was a community member. And then there was party Lauren. It was like I started the double life really young. So I think that it was just the cool thing and I went off the freaking deep end freshman year of college because I was finally broken free from home. So maybe that's how it started. And then it became like a socialite status. So when I got my first corporate job right out of college, I went to a new town. I didn't know anyone, I kind of college. I went to a new town, I didn't know anyone. I kind of got embraced by, like the older men in town and I became just this socialite.
Speaker 2:All I had to do was walk into the bar and my drink would be waiting for me. So it did kind of tie into identity that way. And it wasn't really until I got my first house alone that I noticed, okay, I'm drinking a lot alone, you know. And then it shifted into that why was I drinking it? I mean, I could say all the things. I was unhappy at my job.
Speaker 2:I was you know I didn't like where I was living. I wanted to whatever X, y, z, but it always comes down to the inner landscape, even though we look at all the external things first. And it truly came down. Of course, this is in hindsight, but it came down to what is my purpose? What am I here to do? You know how am I going to do it? Make people proud, most like my dad, um, and be happy. So how can my definition of success, you know, align with his? And it was all of that inner turmoil that I was absolutely drinking over.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that's the key right there, right? Yeah, talk about addiction, right, and anything. It is that inner world, right, and it's so many it it'll be so many times where that inner world will come up that mirror, right, and you don't want to face it. Yeah, you know. You talk about being at home alone, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, you know the saying wherever you go, there you are. So I thought, like from the corporate job, I thought if I just quit this job and get something new, then I'll be happy and I won't drink as much. And then that didn't solve the problem. So if I just moved back to Hawaii where I grew up which I did move back to Hawaii then that'll solve the problem. And it didn't. So it was always like the external, I thought, would fix it and it didn't.
Speaker 2:And I had a moment before I got sober, when I was like already hanging out on my rock bottom, like already hanging out on my rock bottom where I almost moved to Costa Rica, and I just had this like epiphany, this realization that I would still have a drinking problem in Costa Rica and so I didn't move to Costa Rica. Um, I did end up going eventually, but that that was like some sort of inner intervention. You know that came through. So, yeah, it's so easy to pinpoint everything that's not working around us and blame the drinking problem on that, and some of those things are valid and true, but the real truth is definitely going to be what's on the inside, which kind of full circles this conversation back to the noise. And what are we? What are the thoughts that we're drinking over?
Speaker 1:yeah, you, you said something that I hope folks take, and it's the when I get new job, I'll feel great. When I get in a relationship, I'll feel great when I travel and move somewhere. It's going to make me better. I'm going to live a better life, I'm going to feel better and, like you said, wherever you go, there you are.
Speaker 2:Right, so do you like the person you're bringing with?
Speaker 1:Yeah, the person that you're bringing with. And what is it going to change? Because I hear all the time you know my job sucks and very well you could be unsatisfied with your work and what you do for a living, right? Maybe it's not that you're not able to live truly in accordance to your values, right, not able to live truly in accordance to your values, right, but being negative about it all the time, is that going to help, right? And I feel a lot of times folks are super negative with their current standings and they think about the external and what they're unhappy with on the external as opposed to looking inside, right? Yeah?
Speaker 2:Yeah, it all really comes down to the power of choice, and so I do validate that external your surroundings and environment absolutely can impact a hundred percent Right. But also, no one can take away your inner landscape, no one can crush your soul unless you give them permission to like. No one can take away your power unless you give it to them. And so it really just comes down to this choice of yes, I don't have enough dollars in the bank, I don't like where I live, there's a leaky roof, but I can still choose to, you know, happy might be a big ask for some people, but I can still choose to be neutral, I can still choose to, you know, yeah, gratitude. And so it really is that choice.
Speaker 2:And I think when the inner world isn't in a freaking tornado is when the outer world starts to. Things start to again fall into place or line up, like, if you're looking at everything that's going wrong, then you'll miss something that's going right, like you've got the reekiki roof or the leaky roof. Did you notice that? You know there's a house for rent down the road? That's in your budget?
Speaker 1:probably not, because you're too focused on everything that's not working and that comes from the inside first the inner world and you know that we also talk about, you know it can't take your power away and also to those inner feelings, or those inner emotions that are positive, are already within you as well, and so that new job probably can give you a temporary boost of happiness, temporary boost of happiness. But as soon as the they start asking you to stay a little bit later and it's a little bit more stressful, then you probably won't be as happy, right?
Speaker 1:You probably be right back to that feeling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and now it's the job's fault that you're not happy, right?
Speaker 1:Exactly Right. You get a new car the car it just becomes a car, and then you want to get a new one. Right, you go to a new place and it becomes your daily routine. Right it is. It may help you temporarily to get these new things, but it'll always come back to how can I feel the love that I already have within? And so that's been a journey for me. That's been new and been fresh. That I've even had to realize on my own is it's already? I already have it.
Speaker 2:I don't need to have external things validated for me like you said, it's it's an inside job, it's it's our responsibility. You know, it's our inner responsibility and our inner choice on whether we, you know, get in an argument with someone and slam the door behind us or walk out quietly and gently, shut it, like that's all an inner choice. And for me, you know, sometimes I have really big feelings, really big emotions, and they're important. They might be telling me something I need to process through them, but it always comes down to do I want to continue feeling this way. How do I want to feel instead? Is it going to solve the problem around me? Not necessarily, but is it going to help me get back to neutrality and back to peace?
Speaker 2:Yes, and again from that inner state is when we can start to see things more clearly and make better decisions or respond more appropriately, and things like that. So it's do I like the way I'm feeling? No, you know, sometimes it's like, well, actually hold on, just give me a minute, I'm not quite done with my temper tantrum yet. And then it's like how do I want to feel instead? And I, I, I do practice what I preach. I mean, I just put it into practice last night. So it's like, how do I want to feel instead? How do I want to show up? Do I want to be really grumpy and resentful and pinpoint all the things that have gone wrong, or do I want to ask myself does that really matter? And like give a hug instead?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah 100%.
Speaker 1:You know, I had a friend call me a few weeks ago and he was just complaining about his job and different things like that, and I let him get it all off right and then I said gratitude, you know, you have, you have a job in today's market. You have a job, you, you, you work remotely. At one point in time this would have been a dream job for you, right? And so how can you? You know, after you get all that off right, you get those emotions because we are human. We will feel that, and I'm not saying to be a robot and not feel those emotions, because you will and we all will. But the hey, is this going to serve me? Is this actually resourceful to just sit in this and just ruminate in it?
Speaker 2:Right, totally.
Speaker 2:It just I had a life coach when I first got sober. He would be like you done, feeling that way, yet you know like you done. So like, yeah, giving it an honest chance. And I don't know, like maybe there's an audience listening right now that's rolling their eyes with the word gratitude because it's so overplayed in so many ways. But I think that if, if an individual that has a resistance to a gratitude practice can just come up with maybe their own word choice or can maybe just come up with their own personal understanding that resonates with them, to kind of get that resistance to go away, I don't I?
Speaker 1:how powerful it is to really take a step back and realize all the things that you're grateful for. Right, you didn't have to wake up this morning to tell your lungs to work, to tell your heart to start pumping. It is doing it on its own right. And even I mean that's the baseline, right, when I can't think of anything, the baseline I can think of is like man, my body is functioning and I'm able to move around, and then you just start to go from there and it's so many positive things you can focus on, as opposed to the one or two negative things that are going on in your life. It's usually only one or two things, right?
Speaker 2:And, like you said, it can be small. You've got the baseline. It can be little, just anything that moves the needle. Again, neutral is the beautiful zone. Like I know we've dropped the beautiful zone. Like I know we've dropped the word happy, I know we've dropped the word joy and all of those things are phenomenal and euphoric and orgasmic and we want you to feel those things. Yeah, but we're humans and to stay up here is not realistic and so like we'll dip, we'll come up, we'll dip, we'll come up and, if we can, just kind of land in that neutral zone like we're killing it you know, um, there's actually an entire chapter in my book that's coming out about gratitude, specifically me calling my life coach and and like venting to her that my then boyfriend wasn't taking our gratitude practice seriously enough.
Speaker 2:She was like, hold on, what's what's going on here? Not only was he not taking it seriously enough, I also removed myself from the situation and was going to completely withhold love from him to make sure that he knew he wasn't taking it serious enough and that I could punish him. I mean, it's amazing where the ego can go with this right. And so the first guidance was to go back into the room and give him a hug, which I didn't want to do. But that's the concept of giving love is receiving love. So if you're withholding love from someone, you're actually withholding it from yourself. And then it was that it doesn't have to be a macro gratitude. It doesn't have to be grandiose. If he's truly grateful that he's sleeping in clean sheets, that can be enough. And I thought it had to be so spiritualized and so big. And no, we have to keep ourselves human too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah that you know that neutral zone, trevor Moed, who is a sports psychologist he actually passed a few years ago but he has a book called Getting Back to Neutral and that neutral zone is especially when you are just not in the mood to be super happy and peachy, and just not in the mood for it, and so it's OK. How can I? And so it's okay, how can I not be negative then?
Speaker 2:how can I neutral is kind of a weird place to be. When I first again got sober, it was like I was used to really high highs like, because I was literally like getting high and also drinking alcohol with just a depressant. So I was also really used to low lows. And when I started to just have non-eventful, you know, very mundane, plain days, I wasn't bored, I was just existing. It's like what is this space? I'm very unfamiliar with this space, not existing in a hangover, not existing in self-pity, just honestly existing. And that's what I learned about the neutral zone.
Speaker 2:And it's such a great place to catch your breath, to recalibrate, to just chill, you know. So, yes, have your high moments. Yes, be understanding that you'll have low moments and then, just like, come back back to that middle.
Speaker 1:Yeah, last thing I want to, I want to touch on because you mentioned something that was amazing to me is withholding love. You're withholding from others, You're withholding love from yourself. Walk me through that, because I think also through it. All is that self-love practice right? All is that self-love practice right? And understanding that? How can we have grace with ourselves, love ourselves more and really understand that? So I want you to touch on that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I'll say it again it's with like, extending love is giving love to yourself. So if you're withholding love, then you're withholding yourself from receiving the love yourself. So if you're withholding love, then you're withholding yourself from receiving the love. And, to put it into a visualization, it's like giving someone a hug. It's a mutual exchange and it feels good for you, right? So sometimes we're not hugging someone because they need it. Sometimes we're hugging someone because we need it, right, and like how many times have we just needed to be held? And yet we don't get that. If we withhold it from someone because we're angry at them or they did something wrong, and so it's almost a self punishment, in a way.
Speaker 2:And also what I love so much about just being brave enough to step over your ego, that's telling you not to give the hug or whatever it might be, or to say the nice thing, it could just be as simple, as you know, after a big fight in the morning, saying just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, versus giving the silent treatment. It starts to soften you and then again we land in that neutral zone where we get to start to see things a little bit more clearly and maybe you understand why you got it uh, you know, as upset as you did or something like that, and then we can problem solve. Or maybe you can approach the conversation from a level-headedness place, you know, versus an attack place. So at the end of the day, and we can go like you can think of it as inner child too it's just giving that nurturing to the part of you that's triggered or activated or upset.
Speaker 1:I love that. Yeah, yeah, you text him. Hey, just to let you know I'm thinking about you, probably not positive, but it's neutral. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, I just went on a walk with a friend and she's fighting with her boyfriend and she's like he hasn't texted me today, so I'm not going to text him. Like how's that making you feel, oh, I want to text him. Then text him. You don't have to say I forgive you If you don't. You can just say hey, like I know we're still in it right now, but I'm just, or I still care about you, whatever it might be, and it's for you, it's for you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100 percent. And I think and I love that because I do feel like we do hold back Receiving love or that feeling of love inside until somebody else gives it to us. Inside, until somebody else gives it to us, we don't actively go out and look to give it, realizing that it is a mutual exchange. Right, and I start to realize that as I start to add value to people and give, I always feel better. I always feel better. Sure, you know you being a, a coach, you know it's times you might not feel like getting on a call right, but when you get off that call you feel energized, right.
Speaker 1:I'm sure you feel energized and you're like wow, that's why I'm doing it right it's so good yeah, 100 yeah I.
Speaker 2:This year in particular has been, you know, a year of a lot of loss for me, a lot of like a lot of death this year. And what's interesting about that? Two things. One is alcohol was never a tool that even was remotely a possible, you know, solution to how I was feeling.
Speaker 2:But, the second was I continued to still serve my clients. I could have been like, hey, I gotta take time, which is totally fine too, you know, and I did any open gaps on my schedule, I did block and things like that. But even my boyfriend was like when you come out of your office, you are glowing. You know, in the, in the midst of all this grief, when you come out from serving your people you are glowing and it's so true, it feels so good to be of service.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. People don't realize that being of service, you forget about the problems. Honestly, it's for that moment you and the other person and you are hearing their problems and you are helping solve their problems and you're serving and you're being of service. And then you start to realize like, oh, okay, this is what I'm meant to do. Especially at times, the energy even that you come from is even different, even come from a more empathetic place, a more loving place, because it's also healing you too. You can feel it actively as you serve, and so I think that's another tool. When you are, you know, you might feel down in the dumps, you might be going through a hard time. If you can take your eyes off yourself, you may not be able to put your eyes on positive things in your world, but if you can take the, the just the eyes off yourself and put them on somebody else, um, it's, it's very healing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, I'm just thinking like, aren't you bored looking at yourself? You know, like to flip it? You know we teach what we need to learn, so as coaches, as motivational speakers, as mentors, it's another way that it's self-serving. It's like when we are guiding someone else through it, we're helping ourselves remember as well, and then we can go put it into practice. And so, you know, does someone have to be completely healed from their you know, their life events in order to be a guide or a mentor to someone else? Be a guide or a mentor to someone else, like no, you're actually doing a disservice if you withhold your teachings because there is no other you, there is no other person that's gone through what you've gone through. And even if you aren't with the answer yet and it's still an I don't know you can still be some sort of North star, guiding light to someone who's a few steps behind you. Yeah, you know so.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love it. Where, where, where can folks find you? Where can they continue to follow your journey? Um, and tell us a little bit about blurred lines and, um, that book that's coming out this year yeah, so find me on my website, laurenfaycoachingcom, and fay has noe.
Speaker 2:So laurenfaycoachingcom and on is a in your face pop-up of blurred lines and it's memoir. But my objective with it was to inspire through storytelling. So, yes, I am a coach, but I didn't want to just write a piece where I'm telling you here are the lessons you know. It's like here's what I went through, here's what I learned while I went through it and what is your interpretation. That's going to land in you, right, because people will maybe forget what you tell them, but they won't forget how it made them feel. So I really am working on that feeling.
Speaker 2:Part of the memoir and it's again Blurred Lines my reclamation of power from alcohol addiction. And it's again blurred lines, my reclamation of power from alcohol addiction. Ps, you are not powerless, and so I'm just showing what I went through, what I learned to regain my power in brain, but as a sovereign being, you are not powerless. And I think there's a really important distinction that's missed. And this is from my own learned experience, where that was what I was hearing in the beginning of my journey and I just interpreted that I was powerless. And how are you supposed to reclaim your power if your story is I am powerless, yeah, yeah. So that's the book and you can see a little tidbit of it on the website and will come out in 2025.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's beautiful. Now my camera actually fell.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah.
Speaker 1:But here we go Blurred Lines, beautiful cover, beautiful title, it's perfect.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:Great Lauren, we appreciate you. It was a very fun podcast and we learned a lot and I'm excited to pick up the memoir and hear all about kind of your story on a deeper level but also to, um, you know how your story, uh, can help mine Right and I'm sure folks can understand and take bits and pieces from your story and and use it as a tool in there. So we appreciate you being on the show.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me Really insightful conversation. I look forward to sharing it with my audience.
Speaker 1:I love it.
