Kevin Palmieri

(0:00) A thought I often have, and I don't mean it in a negative way, and I don't ever want to minimize somebody else's experience, my fear with accepting certain things is I don't want to accept the excuse that may come with that thing.

Alan Lazaros

(0:19) Wiser self-improvement is self-acceptance and then self-improvement based on self-awareness. (0:26) I think where most of us start, though, it's usually from some form of I want to be different than I am. (0:31) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:34) I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri. (0:36) And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazaros. (0:39) At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no-BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros

(0:46) Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health, and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri

(0:52) We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits, and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros

(1:08) Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free. (1:15) Welcome to Next Level University.

Kevin Palmieri

(1:20) Next Level Nation today for episode number 2,551, Acceptance versus Adjustment. (1:27) The reason I led with what I led with in the beginning is, dude, I am willing to bet a large amount of money that I have ADD. (1:36) That would not surprise me in the least.(1:38) ADD or ADHD, like, I feel like when I was a kid, I was prime candidate for it. (1:44) And I also don't want to know. (1:46) I don't care.(1:47) I don't want to know. (1:48) Because I don't want that to become part of my identity that then maybe I make an excuse for of like, well, you know, I can't focus for too long because I don't want to know. (1:57) I'd rather not know.(2:00) Yeah. (2:00) Have you met people that do that? (2:02) Yes.(2:03) And again, it's, I understand, like, look, if you get an answer to something that you've been questioning your whole life and it starts to make sense, I don't know. (2:11) I've never gone through that experience, so I don't know what that's like. (2:13) But I don't want to know.(2:15) Because I'm afraid if I know, I'll adjust things.

Alan Lazaros

(2:22) Why are you presupposing that you'll adjust things in a negative direction? (2:26) You're not going to use it as an excuse. (2:28) Are you afraid you would?

Kevin Palmieri

(2:29) I'm afraid I would. (2:31) Yeah. (2:32) I have something going on right now as we speak where I was very hesitant to like, yeah, I don't want to use as an excuse.(2:38) I don't want it to be the cop out for lack of better phrasing. (2:41) I don't want, I don't necessarily want special treatment. (2:44) Sometimes I don't want special treatment.(2:46) I want an understanding. (2:48) I think that's probably the best way to put it. (2:49) But I think that's like, that's the fine line between acceptance is, and I'm very, obviously, I want to hear what you have to say about it.(2:58) Acceptance is this is me, this is the way I am, and I can adjust it to a certain degree. (3:07) Adjustment is this is me, this is the way I am, and I can maximize this and I can optimize this. (3:14) And I don't know, I just think it's easier to live on one side of the fence or the other.

Alan Lazaros

(3:20) Remember the serenity prayer, the famous one where it's, give me the wisdom to change the things I can and accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference or something.

Kevin Palmieri

(3:36) Something like that. (3:36) That's better than I would have done.

Alan Lazaros

(3:38) I was winging it. (3:40) I honestly think though, I say that playfully because I think yeah, it's a wise quote, but I think that as with all quotes, it needs to be explained better. (3:51) Because there's a huge chasm, there's a huge spectrum in between things you can't change and things that you can.(4:02) In other words, very few things do you have zero influence over whatsoever. (4:07) Right. (4:09) And this episode came up because I think that self-improvement, personal development, and personal growth usually starts out from what I can tell in you don't like something about yourself.(4:23) So it's, oh, I'm introverted. (4:25) I'm going to try to be extroverted. (4:26) I remember you did that for a time with your ex.

Kevin Palmieri

(4:28) I thought for sure, I was like, this person is completely different than I am. (4:32) That's good. (4:33) That's good for me.(4:33) That's what I need. (4:34) And then it gets to a point where it's like, wait, I don't have to, I don't have to be super outgoing if I don't, but that's the thing is like, okay, at what point, at what point is it like, well, yeah, you, it doesn't feel like that's who you are, but that's because you've never done it before. (4:52) And if you did it more, you would like it.(4:55) That's the thing that's so hard about it. (4:56) Cause like, I wanted to want to be more outgoing. (5:00) Yeah.(5:00) That's a good wanting to want. (5:02) I wanted to want. (5:03) And then eventually afterwards it was like, wow, that was fucking stupid.(5:07) Like once, once this person was out of my life and I was like, there's no way that was ever going to work. (5:12) Can we talk about that?

Alan Lazaros

(5:13) Can you tell that story? (5:14) Cause I think I do believe that's a perfect example of this. (5:19) I really do.

Kevin Palmieri

(5:21) Yeah. (5:22) I dated someone when I was, how old was I? (5:28) I was probably like 25 maybe.(5:32) And when I met this person, it was a bun. (5:34) I mean, this person, she lived in the city. (5:37) She lived in Boston.(5:38) She was just like friends with everybody. (5:40) She was the life of the party. (5:43) Just like when she walked into a room, everybody noticed she just had that energy.(5:47) And it like in the beginning, it was like, oh yeah, this is fucking exciting. (5:52) She's like, oh yeah, we're going to, you know, you can meet all my friends. (5:54) I have a bunch of roommates.(5:55) We're going to go to this house party. (5:58) We'll go to, we're going to go bowling with all these people. (6:00) And then eventually it was like, this is fucking exhausting.(6:04) Yeah. (6:04) But what if this is the test that I needed in order to become the type of person that I'm supposed to become? (6:12) But eventually it gets to the point where it was like, I'm doing, and I think this is the answer for me.(6:17) At least I'm doing this more for the other person that I'm doing for myself.

Alan Lazaros

(6:21) Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri

(6:22) But then again, I don't know. (6:25) Do you, I see family more than I would see if I wasn't married to Taryn for sure. (6:31) Right.(6:31) So there is a, and I also have gotten closer to people that I never would have gotten close to if I wasn't married to the person I'm married to. (6:38) So like there are benefits of it.

Alan Lazaros

(6:39) So I don't know the answer, but in the frame of intimate relationships over the last seven years of just like learning this over and over and over again, there's a big difference between we are incompatible versus we are different. (6:53) And that's a good thing. (6:54) And, and I know that's not the point of this episode, but if we accomplish nothing else on this episode, I hope it's figuring out where acceptance is empowering and constructive and where it's destructive because you are introverted, but yet you also are around people all the time.(7:16) And you're the chief sales officer and you're on the road and you're meeting clients. (7:20) So I remember I had a mentor who said, never do anything that's too unnatural. (7:28) And this mentor got divorced.(7:30) And I want to, I want to share this. (7:33) He's an engineer, mechanical engineer. (7:35) He thinks very analytically.(7:36) He's very rational about most things, although I called him out on a few really bonehead moves, but he's extremely, extremely conscientious and successful. (7:46) And what I mean by conscientious is it's very organized, very mathematical, very probability, statistical thinking. (7:52) And his wife wasn't.(7:55) And he said she was a great mother, wonderful mother. (8:00) And I was in a relationship at the time that he thought was not right for me. (8:06) And he was definitely right for sure.(8:08) That relationship was pretty shitty. (8:11) And he said, whatever you do, just don't do anything that feels too unnatural. (8:16) And I know now what he meant.(8:17) What he meant is how much of what you're doing doesn't feel like the real you. (8:25) Now you and I talked about the chameleon thing, because the real you has a lot of facets. (8:30) There's like, I can do a power hour and party like I used to, I can, but it never felt like I was a tourist.(8:38) I didn't belong. (8:41) But how do you know that that's not just imposter syndrome? (8:43) Like you and I talked about at a barbecue once, you're like, I feel like I belong here easily.(8:48) Whereas the Steven Kotler interview about the art of impossible and peak performance, I felt like I belong there. (8:54) So it's almost like we all have like these true parts of our nature. (8:57) People always say, well, nature versus nurture.(8:59) Are you born gifted or, or is that a natural inclination? (9:02) Is that something that you, you know, you, you were good at math. (9:05) So then you reinforced it.(9:06) So you got better at math. (9:08) I don't know. (9:09) What I do know is that all of us have a choice about how we live our life.(9:16) And I do believe we all have inherent strengths and weaknesses. (9:19) I do believe every person out there is really good at something that comes very easy that you never really knew came really easy. (9:29) And it's not until you start to assess and realize that that's the case.(9:32) Like there are certain things I was on yesterday with a client and he and I have always been, we've always loved math and science, particularly math. (9:44) And he went to WPI as well. (9:47) He and I cannot understand why people don't know basic statistical understanding of like, like a quintile, a quintile is 20%, one quintile.(9:59) Okay. (10:00) You didn't even know that. (10:01) Okay.(10:02) A lot of banks use quintiles. (10:04) It's based on Pareto 20%, 80% the whole night. (10:07) My point is we don't understand how other people think.(10:10) And he's having some I don't want to say challenges because it's actually very constructive, but he's having some challenges with his wife where she doesn't think in math and he thinks extremely rationally and he thinks very long-term and, and she thinks she's very emotional. (10:27) And it's like, dude, I don't know if you, and this is the question. (10:32) And I know you're listening, brother.(10:34) He chooses to be with her. (10:36) And he told me he wants to be with her no matter what. (10:38) Okay.(10:38) That's your choice. (10:39) Love it. (10:40) Now here's the question.(10:41) Are you guys destined to be together and you're totally compatible or are you going to make it work because you chose in advance to make it work and, and, and, or is it the yin and yang of you're rational? (10:53) She's not, you, you mitigate each other's weaknesses because you're complimentary skill sets. (10:57) I don't know, but here's what I do know.(11:00) I decided in my thirties to stop manufacturing belonging because I think I spent a lot of time in my life bringing out the 5% of me and blowing it up to 50% in order to fit in a room that I shouldn't have. (11:19) And obviously all of us need to chameleon. (11:22) You're going to be a little different at a rock concert than a fucking sermon.(11:25) And you should, but I don't know, man, I think the more and more you age and the more and more you grow, I think you become more and more and more of who you really are. (11:35) And you shed less and less and less of your conditioning. (11:38) And if you're doing it right, I think you have to accept some things about yourself.(11:42) Like, so for me, last piece, when I say, what about you never changed? (11:53) I'm doing this with a client right now. (11:55) What about you never changed?(11:56) I think the things about you that have never changed are the parts that maybe aren't as malleable as we would like to believe. (12:04) And if you can create a list, we used to have the true north questions of what injustice in the world bothers you? (12:12) What pisses you off most?(12:13) What breaks your heart? (12:14) What are you great at even when it's hard? (12:16) What are you statisticians unreasonably good at?(12:19) Like all these different true north questions, if anyone wants them, reach out. (12:22) But I have a woman that I coach doing this. (12:25) I'm having her create 25 under each, so a hundred answers to these true north questions.(12:30) And then I'm going to have her narrow it down to three and then one. (12:37) And it's going to be really frustrating for her. (12:39) And I think I already know what it's going to land on, but we are all unique.(12:46) We are all different. (12:47) But yet we all have certain common patterns of the human condition. (12:51) And I think the only wrong answer is to not figure out who you are and align that with who you aspire to be and to constantly check in on that.

Kevin Palmieri

(12:59) Well, I think the hardest part of the whole conversation is if you're somebody who's very growth focused, how do you make sure you're growing towards who you're supposed to be? (13:07) Dude, I love being alone. (13:11) When I travel, I get homesick, obviously.(13:14) I miss my wife, I miss my, you know, I miss my life back home for sure. (13:19) But I love being alone. (13:22) I think for a while I probably, it's like, well, that's not, that's a weakness.(13:27) That's the thing. (13:28) Okay. (13:28) That's my, that's my statement for this whole episode is some of the things that you, you're most good at and seem most natural to you.(13:38) I think we convince ourselves that they're weaknesses and sometimes they are, but I don't know. (13:43) Why can't I be alone? (13:44) What's wrong with me?(13:45) Well, it's not healthy. (13:46) You should have, you can't tell me that because now, but you can, I could be wrong. (13:53) I was alone in New Hampshire and I was fucking destitute.(13:57) It was bad. (13:58) It was too much, but that's not because I was alone. (14:00) That's because I was depressed and maybe I was depressed.(14:04) I don't think I was depressed because I was alone. (14:06) I think one of the reasons I wanted to be alone so much is because I was depressed. (14:09) I don't know if one led to the other, but again, what do I know?(14:12) Right.

Alan Lazaros

(14:14) This is good. (14:15) And this is a conversation that obviously does not have any super concrete answer. (14:21) I love, those are my favorites.(14:22) I mean, what's the difference between, I love the metaphor, a Great Dane versus a Pomeranian Chihuahua versus a Dalmatian versus a, you know, what is the difference? (14:34) We have a Pomeranian Chihuahua and Emilia said, Chihuahuas, 20% of them have attachment anxiety and Tucker has some and it's like, oh, okay. (14:44) Well, so what percentage of Tucker is Tucker?(14:49) And what percentage of it is the fact that he's a Pomeranian Chihuahua? (14:52) And I think humans are the same way. (14:55) We're not all the same breed.(14:56) We're not all the exact same ethnicity. (14:58) We didn't all grow up in the same place. (14:59) We don't all have the same skin color.(15:02) We don't all have the same color eyes. (15:03) We're all different shapes and sizes. (15:06) And I think accepting the strengths of your nature and then understanding and learning about the weaknesses that come with it.(15:20) Being alone might've been framed as a weakness, but that's a huge strength because some people need to be around people all the time and they can't get any solitude or work done or deep contemplation. (15:31) So I think that's it is more than anything is every strength has a goddamn weakness.

Kevin Palmieri

(15:37) Well, is that it though? (15:39) It's like, okay, what is the downside that you're willing to accept and sign up for in advance? (15:46) Isn't that everything?

Alan Lazaros

(15:47) Well, brother, this is... (15:49) I always say brother when I'm like, this is getting serious. (15:51) I think that people's goals, what people want out of life is out of alignment with who they are.(15:59) Out of alignment with who they want to be and who they are. (16:01) I concur. (16:03) And that is like a big part of the problem.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:06) It's easy to convince yourself though that, well, okay, I want to, I always use the millionaire thing. (16:12) Not because of anything other than the fact that I think that's a lot, that's one thing that a lot of people want, especially when they're young. (16:17) They're like, I want to be a millionaire.

Alan Lazaros

(16:18) They think they want that.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:18) Yeah, they think they want that.

Alan Lazaros

(16:19) Exactly. (16:20) And I think most people do want that, but they don't necessarily, they aren't necessarily naturally inclined to delay gratification for too much.

Kevin Palmieri

(16:27) I still stand by my statement that most people shouldn't be. (16:31) Not because I don't want you to have financial freedom. (16:34) That's not it.(16:34) I'm not saying that as like, I should, and you should. (16:36) I'm not saying that. (16:38) I'm saying potentially, depending on how you do it, what it would take for you to get there would be so far outside of normalcy for you that you would be absolutely miserable.(16:48) I don't think I'm supposed to be like a family man. (16:54) I don't think I'm supposed to have kids and wake up and make breakfast for people.

Alan Lazaros

(16:59) I don't think that's what I'm supposed to do. (17:01) I don't. (17:01) Okay.(17:01) What are you basing that off of? (17:03) I'm not disagreeing. (17:03) I really like that we're self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-improvement needs to be the, I think self-improvement often starts with, I don't like that I'm introverted.(17:15) So I'm going to try to be extroverted like we started with instead of, okay, I'm kind of fucking introverted. (17:20) I'm kind of weird. (17:22) I'm kind of weird.(17:23) Okay. (17:23) Let me figure out the pros and cons of that and see if that's aligned with what I want in life. (17:29) And then sort of, well, I'm just going to be me.(17:32) Good luck with that. (17:34) I would love to see you just be me and then achieve all your goals. (17:37) Like there is, I think a lot of who you become is a by-product of your dreams and your goals.(17:42) A lot, actually, like a crazy amount. (17:45) Dude, I talked about this on book club. (17:46) I know we got to go soon.(17:48) I don't know if you were aware of this or not, but our class was like really smart, really smart.

Kevin Palmieri

(17:53) I was not focused on it.

Alan Lazaros

(17:55) So no, no, dude, it was like a blood bath to the top in class rank. (17:59) Like it was really intense. (18:00) And I remember me and a bunch of the other people that were near the top of the class rank.(18:06) If we were in any other class, we all would have been like second, first or third, but I now realize it was a talent hotbed. (18:14) We're reading Daniel Coyle's book, Talent Code. (18:16) It was a talent hotbed.(18:17) Uxbridge, Mass. (18:18) Who knew? (18:18) No, no, no.(18:19) Our class. (18:20) Our class was like, dude, I was eight. (18:23) Uxbridge, Mass, 2007.(18:25) I didn't get a single B in all of high school except for 189 in honors English. (18:28) And I was eighth out of 137. (18:32) Dude, that's not normal.(18:34) And I didn't realize this until I started reading the Talent Hot Code again, the Talent Hotbed, the Talent Code by Daniel Coyle again. (18:43) I just like the Hunger Games blood bath to the top, genuinely. (18:47) Now I'm also trying to wonder what my part in that was because I also am like pretty good at fueling some fires and a lot of people just wanted to beat me, honestly, which was both.

Kevin Palmieri

(18:58) Seven people did. (18:59) They did. (19:00) They accomplished the mission.

Alan Lazaros

(19:01) I know. (19:01) And some people were vehemently at like, they didn't even care if they had a high rank. (19:05) They needed me not to be ahead of them, which is a whole nother thing.(19:09) But my point of this whole thing is like, yeah, I was naturally smart, but how much of that was also aim high and you'll have choices? (19:20) How much of that was like my stepdad leaving and taking all the money, us being broke and the pain of that? (19:27) There's an equation here.(19:33) I don't know how much of it is where, I mean, I was also born in Massachusetts. (19:41) Massachusetts is like globally known for the best public education system, like almost in the entire world. (19:48) And MCAS, Massachusetts.(19:53) So for every listener out there, we don't have time for this, but basically you have to figure out for you who you are naturally. (20:04) What are the pros and cons of that? (20:07) Figure out what of that you want to try to change, figure out what of that you want to accept and double down on.(20:12) And then most importantly, figure out if that's aligned with the goals and dreams you want, because I think coaching 48 people now, I think a lot of the people that won't be successful, I think deep down, it's almost like the life that the equation necessary for you to achieve this dream is actually not really, you're going to have to go so far away from what is natural to you. (20:41) Whereas dude, working every day for the rest of my life is totally natural for me. (20:45) Even as a kid, I did that.(20:46) I just didn't work. (20:47) I was doing video games or whatever, but like, I'm never going to wake up and chill. (20:51) You know that.(20:52) I mean, you've been around me long enough to know that that's not me. (20:54) I can, but I'm not interested.

Kevin Palmieri

(20:58) It's a very interesting conversation. (20:59) You ever miss the days where we could just do like two hour podcast episodes. (21:02) I miss those.(21:03) For stuff like this, it's like for this topic. (21:05) Yes. (21:05) I would love to jam for this.(21:07) Let's do part two. (21:07) Jam with this for two hours straight. (21:10) That would be wonderful.(21:10) You want to do part two? (21:11) Yeah, I would love to.

Alan Lazaros

(21:12) All right. (21:13) We'll do part two. (21:14) We didn't, this is more important than I think we planned.(21:18) Look at that. (21:19) All right.

Kevin Palmieri

(21:19) Look it. (21:20) I'm going to do this in real time and make an adjustment here. (21:22) All right, cool.(21:23) So if you're out there right now and you're trying to figure out what you should accept, what you should adjust, what your goals will actually take of you, which I think is one of the most challenging things to understand, like how do you really know how much you're going to need to change versus stay the same versus level up versus level out versus for a very specific goal. (21:41) Reach out to Alan for coaching. (21:42) Alan can help you with that because he has thousands of conversations based on, Hey, this is my goal.(21:49) What is the strategy? (21:50) And again, it's always going to be more custom behind the scenes that could ever be in a podcast episode. (21:53) Reach out to Alan for that.(21:55) Strong work to everybody who crushed the 10 pound in 10 week challenge. (21:58) A lot of people, the most out of any of the challenges we've done. (22:02) And when I say accomplish the goal, I don't necessarily mean they hit the weight.(22:05) I mean, they stuck with it throughout the 10 weeks. (22:08) A lot of them did hit weight. (22:09) A lot of them did.(22:10) But I care more about the fact that you did it and you're here to the end. (22:13) If you accomplish the goal, awesome. (22:14) If not, you built self-worth and self-belief, which is also awesome.(22:18) So we're going to come up with our next challenge here shortly. (22:20) As always, we love you. (22:21) Appreciate you.(22:22) Grateful for each and every one of you. (22:23) If you are as committed as you say you are to getting to the next level, make sure you tune in tomorrow because we'll be here every single day to help you get there. (22:29) Keep leveling up to reach your full potential.(22:32) Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. (22:36) We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros

(22:38) We mean it when we say family. (22:41) If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. (22:44) Everything you need to get ahold of us is in the show notes.(22:47) Thank you again. (22:48) And we will talk to you tomorrow.