a-voice-of-courage-rena-romano-s-call-to-end-silence-on-sexual-abuse
[00:00:00] Bettina M Brown: Hello and welcome to In the Rising podcast. My name is Bettina and this is the platform that I've chosen to talk about living a life that's really in alignment with your. dreams, your hopes, your goals, your expectations, despite all of the things that may have happened in your past that bring about feelings of shame or guilt or blame has no place in your life.
[00:00:34] Bettina M Brown: I had a friend once that would just throw her hands in the air and say, guilt has no room in my life. And I really love the conversations I have with people that identify that specific feeling and promote that. And Rina Romano is my guest today. I'm so thrilled and honored to have her because she is an author, an advocate, a TEDx speaker, and a coach who really provides uplifting and inspirational and transformational outcomes for people.
[00:01:08] Bettina M Brown: She helps guide people. Learn this about themselves, and she is herself a survivor of sexual abuse, and she is about to share her testimony now. So I'm really excited to talk to you today Rena, and I would love for you to share a little bit about your backstory to the audience, please.
[00:01:30] Rena Romano: Hi, it's so nice to be here with you, Bettina, and thanks for asking me to be on the show.
[00:01:37] Rena Romano: I am a surthriver of incest and sexual assault, and people are like, What they're amazed that I can kind of say that non salon, like shallot or whatever, however you say that. See, I try to make fun of myself. It took a lot of years to heal from all that. But now I can say I'm grateful for everything I've gone through.
[00:02:07] Rena Romano: Yes, I am a driver of incest and sexual assault and I'm now I'm a speaker and advocate and author a TEDx speaker. I was on the Oprah Winfrey show. I've shared my story. Everywhere, because I am not ashamed of my past. I didn't commit the crime. So, I'll let you take it from there.
[00:02:31] Bettina M Brown: Yeah, you know, and I had a chance and I'm going to post those places where I got to watch your TED talk and, and, and, you know, all of these different things that are so powerful.
[00:02:41] Bettina M Brown: The real big thing is that I like that you are willing to share your story because so many of us hide our past in our closet. Because we carry the shame for other people. Do you feel that you had a pivotal moment or series of moments that helped you shift? That mindset from silence to this is what happened.
[00:03:04] Rena Romano: Oh, there would have been many pivotal moment moments throughout my healing process. And one was watching Oprah, Oprah Winfrey. She's my TV mentor. And watching her because she is an incest, sexual assault survivor and watching her success and happiness and joy now and sharing her story. And I'm thinking maybe I need to get help for what happened to me.
[00:03:33] Rena Romano: Maybe it's sabotaging my life and my success and my happiness. More than I think it is, because I was putting on a mask and I was just surviving in the moment and trying to pretend like I had a perfect life and, and nothing happened to me, but that was so not the case. And so, watching her encouraged me to get help, and I called the crisis line after I went through counseling.
[00:04:03] Rena Romano: I found that I needed more help. I mean, going on this journey patina is our life journey. It's not a 1 and done. I thought counseling. I was 1 and done, but our journey is a. It's a continual stepping stone to becoming our potential to becoming the person we're meant to be to becoming the person that we want to be.
[00:04:33] Rena Romano: Does that make sense?
[00:04:35] Bettina M Brown: Yes, it really does. It really does. And what I like that you went out about. Your personal experience because it stays in families this, you know in, in my, and I don't know who will be upset with me, but my grandfather was a perpetrator. And so, this linked into my aunt's life and who knew who didn't it was a secret.
[00:04:57] Bettina M Brown: I had uncles who were in their 60s that had no idea their father did this. To their siblings and so but the shame and the anger and how you treat relationships and how you then talk to your children about relationships that there's so much tension. We carry that out generationally.
[00:05:17] Rena Romano: Yes. And as victims as survivors were made to feel that it's our fault that we are the reason this bad stuff happened to us.
[00:05:28] Rena Romano: And that is so not the case. These crimes are committed against. Many of us are, you know, I was four when it first started. I had no language for what was happening to me. Many people are, are in adulthood and they're being raped and sexually assaulted, and we're being made to feel it's. Our fault is that we perpetrated the crime by what we wore, where we were, what we were doing.
[00:05:58] Rena Romano: And that is so not the case. And because of that victim blaming, we carry the shame of the perpetrator's crime. We are imprisoned. For a lifetime of shame for something we had no control over, and I was watching Oprah and Dr. Brene Brown and Brene Brown, because even though I had gone through counseling.
[00:06:31] Rena Romano: For what happened to me, and I had accepted it, I was still angry, and I was still ashamed of what happened to me. And I watched this interview and Dr. Brown said shame is lethal. Shame is deadly. And I started crying and I jumped up and I'm like. I'm so tired of being ashamed of crimes I did not commit and I'm tired of being blamed for them.
[00:07:05] Bettina M Brown: Yes, And that, you know, I heard it from someone and I don't know where it was. I think it was over something financial that sometimes we do not make a change in our life until we are truly fed up.
[00:07:17] Rena Romano: Yeah.
[00:07:18] Bettina M Brown: That is a motivator and it takes some time. To get there, but once we make that decision, there's no turning back.
[00:07:27] Rena Romano: I saw Jim Rohn. He's no longer with us, but he said it years ago when you get completely disgusted with the status quo with the way your life is, that's when you're going to change. And I got fed up with being victim blamed. I got fed up for people telling me, oh, well, don't let your past define you and blah, blah, blah.
[00:07:51] Rena Romano: And I don't want their pity. I didn't commit the crime. I got fed up and that's why I speak out. That's why I did my TEDx talk. Healing from sexual abuse can start from one word. That's why I went on the Oprah Winfrey show to share my story because I am fed up. With children being abused men and women being sexually assaulted, and then blamed for it.
[00:08:23] Rena Romano: What the heck are we doing to the perpetrators? The people that are committing the crimes. Get off Scot free and then we're stuck in this lifetime of prison and shame. I'm fed up. I'm done. I'm cooked. No more. Stick it. Fork in me. I am so over it.
[00:08:44] Bettina M Brown: And you wrote a memoir, His Puppet No More. And, you know, we often hear writing is such a powerful tool.
[00:08:52] Bettina M Brown: It puts our emotions out on paper. We have to break the wall to let the words come out, the feelings come out. What was your experience by writing this book?
[00:09:01] Rena Romano: I. have to tell you that I have never kept a journal, never wrote anything down because if I did, it made it true. Some people love writing journals and their secrets and but mine was so horrific.
[00:09:20] Rena Romano: If I wrote it, I was living it day by day. Why did I need to write about it? But after I got help at 34, I said, I'm going to write a book and I never wrote anything down before that, because it wouldn't make it true. Well, when we had the financial crash in 2006, seven, eight, I lost my job, couldn't get a job.
[00:09:49] Rena Romano: And my husband looked at me, he says, well, your job now is to write that memoir you've been talking about doing for 20 years. And it was the 1st time that I started putting my history, my journey, what happened to me on paper? And the 1st day I sat down, I write on the computer. I don't write freehand. I write on the computer and that the 1st time I typed the 1st sentence, I just ended up spending the rest of the afternoon bawling my eyes out.
[00:10:25] Rena Romano: I was crying because I was still so angry that I had such a story to tell. But when I finally finished that book, girl, I'm telling you freedom. It was such. A therapy, therapeutic experience to write it.
[00:10:47] Bettina M Brown: Yeah.
[00:10:47] Rena Romano: You know, there is no substitute for freedom- and personal self-imposed freedom. When I finally gave myself permission to let it go, to let go of the shame, to let, to forgive myself.
[00:11:04] Rena Romano: Does that make sense?
[00:11:05] Bettina M Brown: It does. It makes complete sense. And, you know, just listening to your story about how you listen to Oprah, Brene Brown. I am a fan. I've read her books. Life changing for me. Did you get to tell Oprah that that was the stage that was really life changing for you when you sat on that same stage?
[00:11:22] Rena Romano: When I sat on the stage with Oprah, I was still angry. I still hadn't completed healing and I still didn't finish my book. I was still about 2 /3rds done with my book. His puppet no more. Darn it. It might have been a best seller, but that's okay. Everything works out the way it's supposed to. I did get to tell Oprah that her show and her truth saved my life.
[00:11:50] Rena Romano: And that's huge. Yes. And now I had a message from a male survivor a couple of months ago. He said, “I, I was suicidal and I watched your TEDx talk and now I'm helping my country with their children's. Adverse childhood experiences program, and he's an ambassador and he's involved. So my story, so Oprah saved my life.
[00:12:23] Rena Romano: I've saved someone else's life and he's going to save other people's life. So, we should not be ashamed of our story. Big, and that's what I share in my TEDx talk. Please go watch it. Healing from sexual abuse can start with one word and people always ask, what's the word?
[00:12:39] Bettina M Brown: I say, go watch the talk, find out, but yeah, it's compelling from the moment you open your mouth to the end of it.
[00:12:48] Bettina M Brown: You know, I was, I was really, I was hanging on to, I was really watching it and I was looking through your, your, your website to, you have a masterclass called stop self-sabotage, which. I mean, that was kind of my story, the self sabotage. Achieving on one hand and self-sabotaging on the other, and that can happen for a variety of reasons.
[00:13:09] Bettina M Brown: What, what sparked this, this masterclass for you? Where, where did you see this need?
[00:13:14] Rena Romano: Well, this is a mini master class I have on my website and because as women and even men, we self-sabotage our happiness because we feel undeserving. Of being prosperous of being happy of being joyful of living the life that we're supposed to live.
[00:13:39] Rena Romano: Because I have to tell you, I have friends that have never been traumatized like I was, and they still have confidence and self worth issues and they, they suffer with imposter syndrome. And so, as human beings, we self sabotage our happiness. And we, and we're, we're meant to live in joy and that's not selfish because the more we live in joy and the more we can, can fully become our potential, the more we can raise our children, happy children and, and be a leader in, in our work or as an entrepreneur, or, you know, if you, you, even if you're a baker in a bakery, great.
[00:14:30] Rena Romano: Yeah, yeah, you're going to put all your love into making those pastries or whatever it is you do. We're supposed to live in joy.
[00:14:39] Bettina M Brown: Yes. Yes. And that joy can really, it does come from within, you know, that you can have a bad day, but still be in your joy, you know?
[00:14:47] Rena Romano: And when we've been traumatized or.
[00:14:50] Rena Romano: We go through a divorce, so we lose a lot, a loved one, you know, we forget about our joy and that's okay for the moment, but don't get stuck there. Don't get stuck. Don't get stuck there.
[00:15:02] Bettina M Brown: Yeah. I've listened to you. You say there is always an upside. Where did this saying come from and when did it kind of hit your life that this is, this is what you're saying?
[00:15:13] Rena Romano: Oh my gosh. Well, growing up and going through the trauma and going through the abuse for, for almost 20 years and then being sexually assaulted as a young adult by a colleague from work, I never thought there was an upside. I just thought my life, I'm supposed to be abused. I'm a bad person. I've done something wrong.
[00:15:38] Rena Romano: But when I look back and everything that I've gone through, there is an upside because it's made me the woman I am today. And I kind of like me. Oh, I can be a biatch, but that's okay.
[00:15:57] Bettina M Brown: I'm a good person. Yeah. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Maybe they drink coffee and that's okay.
[00:16:04] Rena Romano: That's all right, sister.
[00:16:05] Rena Romano: That's all right. So, yeah, you know, and so there's always an upside and I want people to look at everything that they've gone through. Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, it hurt. Yeah, I, I have PTSD from what I went through. I don't like to get massages. I don't, you know, and that's part of the PTSD, but maybe that's I, I wouldn't have liked massages, whether I was abused or not.
[00:16:35] Rena Romano: So I'm not going to let it. I'm not going to let it control my life. I'm just not. I just I'm like, okay, it is the upside is to it. The Tina is that I'm a good person. I've learned some lessons. I'm grateful for everything I've gone through. Yeah, the, the upside is I don't have to go back and change it or relive it, right?
[00:17:03] Bettina M Brown: I can, I can create my future today. Tomorrow have that self responsibility for it and you do now coaching you want to expand on that a little bit please?
[00:17:14] Rena Romano: Well, I am a certified speaking coach and I've been doing. Doing that since 2011 and I, because of my TEDx talk, I did, I studied a couple of years before I gave mine on how to do a TEDx talk.
[00:17:28] Rena Romano: And now I am a TEDx teacher, but I'm also a well, being coach and I work with women who want to stop sabotaging their happiness and create the life they want in business life and love. So I'm, I'm a mentor and well, being coach. My, I do help people find their voice, whether it's with their heart or through speaking because I am a certified speaking coach.
[00:17:57] Rena Romano: I help people with their business presentations, their keynotes, or a TEDx talk if they want to give. a talk. And if they got a big idea to share, they should share it with the world.
[00:18:11] Bettina M Brown: Yeah, absolutely. And, and you know what, your voice, like you said, someone needs that voice and stepping into your courage helps someone step into theirs with everything.
[00:18:22] Rena Romano: Absolutely. I've heard from so many people, men and women survivors, but I've also heard from the loved ones of survivors that read my book or watch my TEDx talk and they said, thank you. You know, I was ready to divorce my wife or husband. Because they were sexually abused and they can't be intimate or they can't love.
[00:18:45] Rena Romano: Now I understand what happened to them more just by hearing your story and reading your book. And so, this was a message I received. Not long ago from a male, a loved one, his wife is a survivor and they're in marriage counseling because he says, I love my wife. I just didn't know what happened to her and she was self-sabotaging.
[00:19:13] Rena Romano: She was sabotaging our marriage, our children, her life. Now I understand she's, she's got some stuff we need to work on. She needs to work on, but we need to work on it.
[00:19:24] Bettina M Brown: As a couple, to knowing how to relate to someone, especially, you know, every experience is unique, but you can hear and try to have that compassion and understanding with someone through their journey.
[00:19:39] Bettina M Brown: And that journey can be from anything, you know, and so just having that understanding and awareness. And when, if there's no one talking about it, you can't gain under any understanding or awareness.
[00:19:49] Rena Romano: Yeah, absolutely. And don't be afraid to share your story. You know, I look back on my journey and do I have regrets?
[00:20:00] Rena Romano: I'm not going to say yes, because I can't change them and living in regrets is just another form of hell. I refuse to live in living in the what ifs I would have made this choice versus that choice, you know, making bad choices doesn't make us bad people and makes us human. So learn from those lessons learn from.
[00:20:26] Rena Romano: Okay. I screwed up. I really. Up that 1 F up that 1. But I'm okay. I forgave myself because we're just human. And by making those mistakes, I learned how to do things better. Yeah. And I love, I love what the late, great Dr. Maya Angelou said. She says, when we know better, we do better.
[00:20:52] Bettina M Brown: So Rnea really embodies and so Rena really embodies what it means to be a Sur Thriver, someone who survives and someone who is thriving right now and to survive.
[00:21:10] Bettina M Brown: And even yet the next step after thriving, it does take a choice. for you to acknowledge where you are and realize what was not your fault. Her memoir, His Puppet No More is available. I have the link down below and I've also included all of her links. She is just such a great speaker. I really encourage you to watch her TEDx talk.
[00:21:36] Bettina M Brown: I sat and I watched it again after our interview, our conversation together. And you know, there are just some people that. They have what it takes to just convey a message. If you found this podcast beneficial to you, if you found like this was helpful or you know someone that would benefit from it, please share it with them and also leave a review.
[00:22:01] Bettina M Brown: It makes such a difference to put this podcast, especially this episode into the hands and ears of those that it will really make an impact. I am so happy that you've been with me today and until next time, let's keep building one another up!
