Jaclyn

We are so excited to welcome you to The Freq Show podcast where we center our content around the frequency of belief.

Sam

Why? Because when we overcome fear and self-doubt, basically by getting out of our own way, we can make the impossible possible.

Jaclyn

And in this podcast, we are going to share our favorite mindset tools and life lessons that have completely transformed our lives and businesses. So without further ado,

Both

Let's get freqy.

Jaclyn

Welcome back to The Freq Show. I speak for both Sam and I when I say we are so happy to be back in the recording studio.

Sam

Yeah. Yeah. I'm pumped. It's been a minute.

Jaclyn

It's been a minute. And I think we should tell everybody why we had a little hiatus. So Sam, why don't we tell everybody what the topic is and then launch into it?

Sam

Okay. Am I telling or are you?

Jaclyn

You.

Sam

Okay. So... The topic today is The Obstacle is the Way. If you've ever read the Ryan Holiday series on stoicism, that's one of his... Primary tenets. Primary tenets. Excuse me. Got to get my mouth warmed up here so I can speak. But The Obstacle is the Way and How to Face Relationship Challenges Today. with grit and grace.

Jaclyn

Yeah, because you have to have grit and grace. And I think as we launch into all of the little details we have in this podcast episode, I think it's really important to note that relationship struggles often do have grit and grace and it requires grit and grace to get through them. And so over the last three months, we have experienced a lot of challenges. And I think... Everybody that I know in my inner circle of friends has said that this first quarter of 2024 has been really, I don't want to say hard because I think we need to be very choosy with the words that we speak, but it has been challenging. And challenge can be a wonderful thing because it forces you to expand and to grow. But I also feel like Yeah, go ahead. All right. Early January, we told you guys we were moving in December, January, we moved. So literally on the 2nd of January, we moved into our new home and we absolutely love it. But everybody who is listening to this has moved and you understand like a move does not generally occur in a 24 hour period.

Both

It's like- Moving's the worst. It is

Jaclyn

the worst. It is the worst. We are so blessed to live in the house that we live in. But it was right after the holidays, right after an international trip with a two-year-old. It was a lot. It was a lot. So we moved in early January. And then about two weeks after we moved in, our son contracted impetigo with MRSA. Okay. And MRSA is a type of staph infection. So he had a double whammy and it was truly, I'm going to try and hold back tears, but one of the scariest experiences I have ever had in my life. He started to get kind of blotchy on a Sunday morning. By the end of Sunday evening, he was more blotchy. We took him to the pediatrician on Monday and He got worse. We took him to the pediatrician on Tuesday. He had a couple of swabs done. Got the results on Wednesday. No, we got the results on Thursday to those swabs and had to take him to the ER. I've never seen impetigo and MRSA before in my experience in real life and And his beautiful little face scaled over like a reptile.

Sam

Yeah. At this point, he looked like the guy from Game of Thrones, where his skin was literally peeling off and scaled. So it was like his whole face.

Jaclyn

And with MRSA, there's such a thing as staph burns. And fortunately, we caught everything very quickly. So we were able to get him relief immediately. fairly quickly, but still over the course of several days, his little body was all red. And if he was touched, he would scream. So changing his diaper was like torture. Putting him in the tub was like torture. Even sleeping next to him was like torture if you touched him. And so that was a very difficult and traumatic experience for both Sam and I. Thank you, God. He... has made a full recovery though during that process we had to take him to a dermatologist to make sure there was no permanent scarring or organ damage or anything like that so it was very very serious and then simultaneously while Roman was in we were at the ER with Roman my stepdad was in the hospital with what we thought was something having to do with his lungs and He was having trouble, like really massive trouble breathing. And then through a series of tests, this incredible traveling doctor came in and said, you know what? I want to give him an additional x-ray. I think it may be something having to do with his heart. Come to find out. Um, he had a stint that was no longer working. And so he had to have two new stints put in his heart. He was hospitalized for about a month and then had to do rehab for two weeks. So he and my mom live in Sedona, Arizona. They had to come to Scottsdale. He had to be taken by ambulance to Scottsdale. Um, and so there, there was just a lot of, um, medical stuff happening in January and February. And then after Roman recovered, I got sick. And fortunately for me, I did not need to be hospitalized, but it was this really weird virus. Maybe it was COVID, maybe it was something else, who knows, where I would get better and then get worse and then get better and then get worse. I lost my voice completely for over a week. And that was during a period where we had scheduled to come in in February to record the podcast and release. And I literally sounded like this. I had no voice. And so the health challenges of January and February into the beginning of March, I was still recovering in March. It just, I think between the stress of Roman and my stepdad and what was going on with our business just really took its toll on top of moving. Yeah. And we also, within that, that trifecta added a couple more elements, which is that we had company. I think it was like five or six different waves of company in the last three months, totaling 12 or 13 people. So... so much activity in and out of our house while we have been working on the biggest real estate project we have ever done in North Scottsdale. We're about to finish it, which is so exciting. But as you guys can kind of assess after the last few minutes of me talking, the first quarter of this year was just... kind of triage. It felt like we were drinking out of a fire hydrant and there wasn't a lot of space to be creative to create the kind of content that we want to be creating for you guys, which is really high quality content. What do you think? What do you have to add to that?

Sam

I think you covered it. I mean, we just had a lot going on on top of moving into our house. We had spent the last... You know, we spent the last eight months getting the house remodeled, but there at the end we had the final push to get into the house and finish up the little details, which are always super challenging. So there was a lot of frustration around just getting the house ready to move in. We kept pushing the timeline back on that. Yeah, our

Jaclyn

hood got messed up, a bunch of tile got messed up.

Sam

Yeah, there's just a lot of, you know, anytime you're doing a project, There are going to be challenges, especially at the end when you're trying to put the finishing touches on everything. So before we even got to the moving in process, I think we were already pretty Freqing stressed out already. Exhausted. trying to get our house done. So it was kind of like going into all that with a somewhat, somewhat of an empty tank. But no, overall I think, you know, there's just been, it's been life. There's just life has been going on. There's been a ton of stuff going on. You know, everybody deals with things and we're through that, through that little period. And I think, you know, one, one of the things I would mention is, I think every new year, obviously people, we like to set goals on an annual basis, which is good. And obviously the new year's the perfect time to kind of, you know, reestablish those goals and, hey, I got a fresh start here at the beginning of the new year. And that part of it feels good. But I think what happens a lot of times or what seems like happens a lot of times, especially since COVID is, When that was kind of at the front end of 2020, when we hit those speed bumps right out of the gate at the beginning of the year. You feel pretty

Both

wobbly for a while.

Sam

It's like you trip over the starting line. And now here we are in April and it kind of feels like now we get to start on our year. Now is the beginning of the year for

Jaclyn

us. Hey, we're running.

Sam

We're doing a great job. And it's not like we haven't made a ton of progress at the same time with everything else that's been going on thus far this year. But unfortunately, having the space to get in the podcast studio kind of got pushed down the line a little bit.

Jaclyn

Yeah, it did. So we apologize that we haven't been consistent, but we're happy to be back and we're so, so So grateful that you're listening. I think one thing that I thought was really important to touch on because I feel like it's not touched on enough is the nuance that your intimate relationships can go through when you are faced with really challenging periods of time. Um, And how to do that, not that we did it perfectly because we did not, but how to do that with grit and grace so that throughout the process, you're playing on the same team with your partner rather than you guys going up against each other. So we're going to dive into four or five areas that we feel like kept our heads on straight and kept us... in a place of harmony with each other for the most part, though we certainly had our trials over the last three months. So I think we just get super vulnerable and we get into it.

Sam

Okay.

Jaclyn

Why don't you start?

Sam

Well, just to be clear, we're starting with health?

Jaclyn

Yeah.

Sam

Okay. So first on the list is health. So with everything that's going on, I know what happens a lot of times for me. And when I think of health... There are different aspects of health, obviously, but oftentimes those are the first things to go out the window. When you're stressed. When you're stressed. Yeah. And it seems like there are a lot of different fires going on. You're running around and the exact things that you should be doing even more so in those circumstances are oftentimes are the first things to go out the window and they all have to do with your health, whether it's, you know, exercise, um, eating, eating healthy meditation and mental health, those sorts of things. Um, and I would say for me specifically over the last few months, I've done an okay job. I think I've done enough of that stuff to like keep me from spinning off the earth, um, a bit, but, uh, what always seems to happen is I'll do that for a period of time. And then I just get maxed out. My stress is up. My anxiety is up. I'm just depleted. Yeah.

Jaclyn

You go into survival

Sam

mode. I don't have any creativity. There's just, the tank's empty. There's no juice left. And then, and then at that point, I'll really start to dive back into those habits that will bring me back to life more or less. And a lot of times there's, not space, it doesn't feel like there's space to even stop and do that when that's exactly what you should be doing.

Jaclyn

Yeah. Well, and what I said here is applying stoicism is just so, so helpful. So Ryan Holiday in his book, The Obstacle is the Way, talks about how if you want to get through something, you have to go through the obstacle. And I think when you're stressed out and maxed out, sometimes it's Sometimes, sometimes working out is just such a stress relief, but it can be easy to put health working out on the back burner, but that is actually what energizes us and gives us the juice we need to come at problems with a little more energy and a little bit more creativity. I also noticed that in January, you know, when I was taking care of my son. And then in February, when I was really sick, I was so out of my routine. I ate pretty well, but so out of my workout routine. And when I am out of routine, even though I'm a very creative personality, I feel lost. And when I feel lost, I have a tendency to lean toward sadness. It's very circumstantial. So I don't want to call it depression because I don't think it's true depression. But without having a healthy routine and being disciplined enough to do it regularly, I get sad. And then sometimes I can get snappy. And that is, in regard to our relationship, not okay. I remember when I got the call from our pediatrician and that she recommended we go to the ER immediately after she got the MRSA results for Roman, I was really snappy with you. And it was because I was feeling so overwhelmed, had not had any... space or time to pour into myself and that spilled out onto you in a way that was really unhealthy because none of it was your fault. And so I think being aware that my routines directly affect my mental health and my ability to interact with you and how important it is for me to always take into consideration that you have your feelings on all of these things too. And it's really important that especially when we are facing hardship, we band together rather than snap at each other, even though that I think is human tendency. When you are feeling squeezed, you want to squeeze somebody else.

Sam

Yeah, you want to control something.

Jaclyn

Yeah.

Sam

Yeah. Yeah, I think that one thing that we tend to do well at, and I think that we're going to hit on it here is... When one of us sees the other kind of struggling a little bit, that person tends to step up to help the person that's struggling. But I think also what we do well now after all these years that we've been together is recognize one, the other person's kind of at the end of their rope. And back to the title of the episode, A Grit and Grace. Like being able to recognize that and give grace in that moment. Give the other

Jaclyn

person a wide berth.

Sam

Look, just swallow the ego that wants to snap back when you're being snippy with me or vice versa and recognizing everything else that's going on. Kind of get through the, you know, what's right in front of you. But at the same time, when the moment's right, like, hey...

Jaclyn

Let's address

Sam

it. We're working. We're doing this. We're in this together. I'm doing the best I can. You're doing the best you can.

Jaclyn

And that's exactly what you said to me in the ER room.

Sam

Right. That's exactly what

Jaclyn

you said. You were like, I am not the enemy.

Sam

Yeah.

Jaclyn

Let's talk about this.

Sam

But I recognize when you're having that reaction with me that it wasn't about me, that it was just about the situation.

Jaclyn

Yeah. I was terrified. Yeah.

Sam

And I understood that. And I was concerned. as well but um i think that it is you know you're just you you go into a mode and i think that we get in in a mode that complements each other really well but it's just being aware of that giving grace to the other person in the moment but at the same time communicating what you need to communicate to make sure that you one say what you need to say but to also bring the relationship back to equilibrium as much as you can so you can move forward as effectively as possible.

Jaclyn

Yeah. I think the other aspect of health that I want to touch on is how I think it is healthy to approach these crises that sometimes we face in this world with health challenges, whether it be with ourselves, our children, our family members. And I think, again, going back to stoicism, When something is out of our control, it is out of our control. There's nothing that we can do to change it in that moment. The only thing that we can change is our attitude and our approach. And so that part is so difficult for me because I'm a fixer. I wanted Roman to get better immediately. I wanted my stepdad to get better immediately. And it was a challenge for me to step back and go, okay, God, Jesus, help me here. Help me to have faith and help me to bring myself back into the moment. I don't want a future trip. I don't want to get caught up in what could happen. I want to be in the moment and do what I can in this moment. And when I brought it back to the present and I was able to go, okay, right now my son needs his antibiotic and even though I hate having him on antibiotics, he had to go on an antibiotic, he has to have his eye drops, and he has to have A, B, and C. It was like 24-hour care. And bringing it back to the present moment, not future tripping, really helped me navigate that month and a half of not really knowing what was going to happen.

Sam

Yeah. Yeah, well, I think... that that's why the health aspect of this, those are things you can control. And you can go overboard with that as well, certainly. Me

Jaclyn

personally or just anyone

Sam

in general?

Jaclyn

I mean, I know I can go overboard with pretty much everything. And you could spill the beans

Sam

on me if you want. Anyone in general. I'm just saying anyone in general. But those are things that can give you a sense of control without going overboard. And in that, give you some sense of groundedness. Like, okay, I don't feel good because there's a lot of stress, but I feel good in that I'm eating the way that I should. I have as much energy as I can in this situation because I'm exercising daily. I'm getting rid of that excess nervous energy. I'm meditating, I'm grounding and maintaining a perspective. So...

Jaclyn

It's like priming the mechanism.

Sam

It's all super basic stuff, but it is... It's

Jaclyn

the first thing

Sam

to go out the window. Without fail, it's the first thing to go out the window.

Jaclyn

Yeah. Okay. Let's talk about the second thing, which we have on here as business. You know, despite these health challenges and moving and all of that stuff, we had a business going on. So why don't you... Touch on your approach on how you kept everything or how we kept everything running while there was so much added extra distraction and stress.

Sam

I'm trying to peek at the notes here, but I think that...

Jaclyn

We came into the podcast studio hot straight off of a really big meeting. Yeah,

Sam

so we haven't read through this since we wrote it down. But keeping the business going, when there's something going on like what we had going on and there's high stress outside of business, I think I tend to then focus more on business because... It's something you can control. I feel like I can control it, which there are aspects of it that I can't control, but in a lot of ways I can't control it. So because we're in a business where there's a lot of different variables. There's so many moving parts. Out of our control. But one of our big goals, we call it our recipe, figuring out our recipe for our family, what works for us. One of the big factors is consistency and consistency in a lot of different things, but as it relates to business, making sure that we're hitting the benchmarks, the leading indicators that we want to hit that will translate into consistency for us from a business standpoint. And that's something that we've struggled with in the past because we've gotten all these opportunities and then we focus on those opportunities and And don't continue to fill the pipe with more opportunities. And so we get through this whole pile and then we got to go back and build another pile versus continuously restocking and reloading the pipeline. And

Jaclyn

you did a fantastic job of that.

Sam

Well, thank you.

Jaclyn

Fantastic.

Sam

Thank you. So that's what I really focused on. I didn't want to, with everything else that was going on, I didn't want to lose the momentum coming into the year and have it be April and look back and say, okay, now we've got to start over. Yeah. Or now we're just now starting. So I really made sure that, and this is something that I do a better job of than you do, is when we have company, when we have, uh, you know, family or whatever it is, I put, um, I put, you have

Jaclyn

better boundaries than I do. You just, you do. I am so not that you're not relational. You are, you are very deep, but I tend to be very, very present with people that are in my house. And sometimes it is what

Sam

I'm just laughing, but Because where does that leave me? Like, I'm just absent.

Jaclyn

No, no, no. I think you go in and out of presence. But you're like, hey, I'm going to the gym. Hey, I'm going to go into the office. And I start to feel guilt around things like that. Well, you know, they're only here for a short period of time. Can I really go take time for myself? That's the narrative that I have in my head, even though I'll be a much better human if I go do and take time for myself. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly it. I don't mind telling people

Sam

that, hey, I've got to go be in the office for a couple hours or have to go and do this because... We have company so regularly that it would be impossible not to- Multiple

Jaclyn

times a month.

Sam

Not to do that. And we would never get anything done.

Jaclyn

Yeah. And I think I have, if I'm spilling my own beans, I, during this period of time, did everything that I needed to do to keep the projects going, but I felt so depleted. I was not able to bring any joy, very little joy. which is not who I am. And I think I have had a tendency, especially when it comes to company, to give and give and give at my own expense. And so it left me, these last couple of months, left me so depleted and so burnt out that even my aura ring was for about two weeks was like, it seems like your HRV rate is not very good. And so something's been stressing you for some time now. Maybe you should think about resting. And I have just adrenaline through and I am not going to do that anymore. So I feel like though the last three months has been so challenging, it also was like a mirror for my bad habits. Um, and I think that though, um, uncomfortable was very, very necessary for me because what we are doing in our business is so cool and I have to stop. It's a form of self-sabotage truly allowing so much to infiltrate my personal space. Um, And so now that I'm viewing it as a form of self-sabotage, it's so much easier to go, hey, I can't take you to the airport. I have to be in this meeting. And so that was a big, big thing for me. I think the other part to remember is Sam and I love to work. We love the work that we do. We love to hustle, but there are also seasons of life, right? and things that are, again, so beyond our control. And so during a season like this, we have to do what we can do to keep things running and keep the business alive and hopefully healthy. But maybe during seasons like this, not maybe, we have to understand that we're not working at capacity because we just can't. There's not enough of us And so to have that expectation that I can do all the design elements and all of the management elements with joy and grace and energy, I just can't. There's not enough of me to go around, but I can get them done to the best of my ability considering everything else that we have going on. So that's also great. Thank you so much. And so the fear and kind of trauma that came from seeing him being in such pain, it took me a while to process. And so I have to extend a lot of grace for myself there. It's not like, hey, he's out of the woods and I get to just jump in back at full capacity. I don't bounce back that fast. So it's important to extend ourselves there. Large, large amounts of grace. Anything else you want to add business-wise? Oh, I think we should talk about business as a game.

Sam

Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to remember our conversation around business as a game. I know that that recently has been a focus.

Jaclyn

Well, I think we put so much pressure on ourselves or we have historically put so much pressure on ourselves to perform and be successful and scale our business. But what we have said to each other, especially over the last month, is this is all a game. Life is a game. We all win in the end. And it's my belief we're all going to meet our maker in the end. So no matter what happens, it is what it is, but let's have fun. And let's view what we are doing as something that we can strategically have fun at, like a game. And when you approach... Life and business from that perspective, it takes so much of the pressure off because you become less attached to the outcome and you fall more in love with the process of doing.

Sam

Yeah. Nail on the head.

Jaclyn

Okay. Last thing I want to say about business is, and this is just so simple, but we need to know ourselves well enough to know when it's time to push and when it's time to pull back. I think the aura ring has really helped me with that. But if you don't have an aura ring, you don't need one, know yourself. Are you feeling constantly burned out? You're doing too much and you're not giving yourself enough space to rejuvenate. If you are in a constant state of anxiety and you're not making any traction... maybe you need to do more and take some action. And so I think it's so important that we know ourselves, we have honest conversations with ourselves, and then we take action based on the results of that honest conversation.

Sam

Yeah. I think it's also important to know when you're no longer being productive in whatever it is you're doing, but especially in business, because I think that we can... what is it? The Pareto principle, the 80-20 rule. In times like these, when there's so much other stuff going on and you have to prioritize and you can only, you only have a, you know, let's say you only have two hours to get done today, what normally you have, you know, eight hours, 10 hours, 12 hours, whatever it is. Well, you're still probably going to be just as productive as if you had that 12 hours. Maybe not, maybe not, but you're still going to be- No, but you have to

Jaclyn

be honest about your time.

Sam

80% as productive based on the rule with 20% of the time. So it's always a reminder whenever that happens, like, oh, well, why do I wait till the last minute? Because it only takes a minute. Where now it's, you don't have any time to waste or- Be distracted and you just sit down and focus and do what needs to be done and you're still just as productive because you're much more efficient in times like these. I

Jaclyn

feel like when I have clarity around what needs to be done and I make myself a list, I can knock a week's worth of to-dos out in an afternoon if I'm focused. So I think that, yeah, spot on. Yeah. Now I think we need to talk about company because I feel like I learned so much by overusing my yes over the last three months.

Sam

Yeah, this was the big learning

Jaclyn

for us. And this was even more than Roman, the biggest pain point over the last three months in our

Sam

personal relationship. So I'll... Can I take the lead on explaining this? Of course. And then you can clean up my mess a little bit. I think, okay, let me take a minute or take a second. This was a big area of frustration for both of us because neither of us understood fully where the other person was coming from. Very true. There were just misunderstandings and communication issues So to paint the picture, to go back a little bit with what we already said, I tend to deal better with company because I don't have a problem removing myself from

Jaclyn

the

Sam

company to go do whatever it is I feel like I need to do. I don't feel bad about that. Whereas you do and you feel like you need to be 100% present The entire time. And

Jaclyn

make breakfast and make sure everybody knows what they're having for lunch and what the plan is. Yeah.

Sam

And so remember that audience as like the baseline of the two of us in this scenario.

Jaclyn

Wait, let's say that again. The baseline is Sam deals with company a lot better. I am more hands-on. That's what the baseline is?

Sam

The baseline is I deal... I can handle more company because I am not as engaged 100% of the time as you are. I will remove myself and go do things that I feel like I need to do. Yeah. Whereas you feel like you need to be there and present with the company the entire time. Yes. So it's easier for me to have larger amounts and more frequent company than it is for you.

Jaclyn

Yes.

Sam

Okay. That's what I'm saying the baseline is. Perfect. Um, And so the confusion that was one exhausting, um, Jaclyn and frustrating me because I didn't understand was in advance, I would come to you and say, Hey, so-and-so is going to be in town or what do you think about so-and-so coming into town these dates? It's, you know, two months out, three months out. Um, And they'll be here for three, four days, whatever it is. And is that okay with you? And whenever I would ask or when I would ask that, you would say, yeah, that sounds fine. That should be fine. I don't think we have anything else going on at that time. Okay. And so in my mind, I would be like, okay, I was a good husband. I like went and cleared it with my wife, made sure everything was okay, got the permission. So we are good to go. And then what would happen is over time, even with that pre-planning, Life would happen for this time period in particular. A lot of things were going on. We finished our house. We moved into our house. Roma got sick. You got sick. Shlomo got sick, your father-in-law. And so your mom was in town. All these things were going on. And we were peppering in all of this company throughout that. In between, yeah. I

Jaclyn

mean, we moved

Sam

into our house and a week and a half later, we had company. Not to mention... We moved into our house. well before it was done. We only had one working toilet, one working sink, you know, a bathtub.

Jaclyn

Yeah. We didn't even have a working shower

Sam

yet. And me in my mind, I'm like, that's cool. We'll figure it out. Yeah. We have people

Jaclyn

coming and women will be able to relate to this. I was like, this couple is coming. They're flying in. We don't have a second toilet. We don't have a shower. We're all going to share a bathtub throughout the three days that we're here. And so it just stressed me out. And he, he does always ask in advance, but my bad has been going, okay, at that time, we're probably going to have A, B, and C going. And then you add company on top of that. It's probably going to really stress me out because my tendency is to just want to please and make everybody happy. And I also like people. I like being around people, but it was too many people too fast. And, um, too much going on.

Sam

So circumstances changed, you know, timelines changed. We thought we were going to be further along. We didn't, we thought we were going to have two toilets. We thought we were going to have two showers, all these kinds of things, but you know, company starts rolling around and we don't have that stuff done. Um, and then more company follows amidst all of this other stuff that's, that's going on that I had previously asked if it's okay. Um, But all of these different circumstances had changed and the tension- And I had a meltdown. The tension just started to build and build and build and build between us. And- Well, and

Jaclyn

we went on a walk, I remember. We went on a walk and I started feeling so stressed that I was getting nauseous and I had to sit down on the sidewalk, which was embarrassing for me because I was like, I'm stronger than this. But then the empathetic part of me toward myself was like, you are just at, you're at your rock bottom. You're at your breaking point.

Sam

Yeah. So what would happen would be we would get through a wave of company. Then we would have, you know, three or four or five days that would go by and you would start to feel a little bit better. So our conversation would, when we came to understanding of this is you would, you were, you would get just, you know, a 16th tank of gas. You'd get just a little gas in the tank and you would go back to smiley, happy Jaclyn that, you know, wants to please everybody and wants everyone to feel welcome. And with that little bit of gas in the tank, you would say, yes, it's okay. We'll, you know, it'll be fun. We'll figure it out. Y And then, boom, other people get here or something else happens. And then that little bit of gas is depleted. And then they leave and then you get a little bit more. And then that cycle continues and continues and continues. And what was confusing me was I didn't recognize that you're only, you know, those little bitty breaks, you would only get a little bit of gas. And so... I would hear that everything, yeah, we're good to go. Everything's good. Because

Jaclyn

I want you to be able to spend time with your people and I love you so much. I never want to inhibit you from anything.

Sam

Sure. And it wasn't just my company. Sure. But that's what was going on was I was hearing two things. Yeah. In one moment I was hearing, yeah, that's great. That's great. Everything's good. And then... And

Jaclyn

then

Sam

I would be melting down two days before everybody arrived. And you'd be completely exhausted and stressed out. And so I did a... I wasn't putting two and two together that you were just getting a little bit of energy, enough that you would say, yeah, let's do this. And I would take that as gold as we're good to go. But... Finally, and it took a long time to come to this realization, what I realized...

Jaclyn

Well, we've had this particular conflict for years.

Sam

Yeah, we have. Years. And in

Jaclyn

2017, we had people living with us for 365 days.

Both

Yep.

Jaclyn

And I agreed to that. So I own that. But we have historically had way more company than I think... I mean, we don't need to go in depth here because you guys are going to get bored listening to this, but over our marriage, we have had people with us a lot more than the average couple.

Sam

Yep. I forget what I was going to say.

Jaclyn

Well, it took us a long time to get to this point where you fully understood where I was coming from because my answer to you is, is generally yes.

Sam

Yeah, so I think, okay, so what I had to and what I have to recognize moving forward is that if you feel like you have a little bit of gas in the tank, a little bit of energy, you're going to say yes and you're going to say it's okay. But what I have to do is start to forecast better that if there are multiple things, commitments, whether it's business, personal, whatever it is, that are all kind of like piling up together in the same time period, and they're going to be back to back to back to back, I need to recognize those as potential hazards in the future. And even if I hear you say, yes, I need to know exactly where you're coming from, from an energy standpoint and know whether or not, are you barely getting by and you barely have enough, a little, just a little energy that you're willing to give up or is your tank full and even having this trip or having these, these, having this company, is it going to... Are you still going to be yourself afterward or is it going to completely deplete you because you're starting with more gas in the tank? And I didn't explain that as eloquently as we talked about it one-on-one. I

Jaclyn

feel like you did a really good job.

Sam

Okay. I don't know if other people will get it because they haven't experienced it.

Jaclyn

Well, I mean, in some... My tendency is to say yes and overcommit myself. And Sam was trusting my yes, as he should, but realized, reading between the lines before I even realized it, that I tend to overcommit myself despite already being depleted. And I tend to, once I have a quarter of a tank, give it away. And here's where I need to take ownership in all of this. I need to consider myself. I don't ever want to be selfish, but because I am a people pleaser, because I want you to be happy and to be able to do whatever you want and support you in that, I have a tendency to just say yes before I go, where are we going to be? We're just going to be moving into our house. We've got a big project going on at that time. I'm not sure I'm going to have the energy to be that distracted. And so I need to take into consideration all of those elements and really give an honest, honest answer.

Both

Yeah. So that's,

Jaclyn

that's my part

Both

in it

Jaclyn

because I can understand why it would be confusing for you, but I feel like the conflict that we experienced, though it was difficult. I feel like we have a very new understanding of one another and how we operate because we do view company very differently. You don't view it necessarily as like a tank depleter. I view it very much as a tank depleter because I...

Sam

Well, you burn more gas than

Jaclyn

I do. I burn more gas. I'm a gas guzzler. I'm a gas guzzler and you're a Tesla.

Sam

The other thing that I wanted to mention was that was so like... You know...

Jaclyn

Profound?

Sam

No husband ever wants to feel like this, but there are a couple times where you... And this is, you know, being vulnerable, and I'm going to...

Jaclyn

Just say

Sam

it. It's fine. So you would say that you didn't feel like I was protecting you in these circumstances, and I... And that was super painful for me, but painful in the midst of just being so Freqing confused. Wait, you told me that I could, that this was okay. You told me that, you know, I got it cleared. I ran it up the flagpole and got it cleared. But

Jaclyn

I think what would happen was like two months earlier, you'd get it cleared. But then a week before I would start going, I'm really worried. Really feeling burnt

Sam

out. So it

Jaclyn

wasn't like I was like, yes, yes, yes. You're not protecting me. No, I wasn't trying to say that. Yeah. No, I know you weren't. But I think that for a listener not knowing the full scope of our relationship, that is an important element. It wasn't yes, yes, yes. Now I'm freaking out on you. It was yes, yes. Ooh, company's coming in the next two weeks and I am feeling burnt. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety around this. Mm-hmm. which I want us to be generous, but in many cases over generous, letting people live with us for long periods of time, accommodating people in all kinds of ways, which is not a bad thing, but we have a family now, we have a child, we have a business, there isn't as much of us to go around. And so we have got to protect ourselves and give ourselves enough grace to go, hey, company, We love you and we are experiencing challenges that we are neck deep in and this is not a good time. I'm so sorry. We're going to have to make different plans. And we have never done that. And we didn't do that at all during those three months. But in a couple of instances, I think we absolutely could have done that and there wouldn't have been any love lost. Sure.

Sam

Absolutely. Okay. Yeah. I think my, I was, my point was just that from a man's perspective, we often don't, we aren't, we, we're not, we can't connect the dots a lot of times, or we struggle to connect the dots. And oftentimes it's very obvious to you or to the woman that, but not obvious to the man. And in this circumstance, I think it wasn't obvious to you in a lot of ways. And so that's why it was such a lesson learned for both of us in this process and ultimately coming out the other end stronger and being able to manage these things much better moving forward.

Jaclyn

I agree. I think that the lesson that I learned over these last... three months that is the most important is that I over commit my energy. It's not even that I overcommit my schedule. It's that I overcommit my energy because when I am with someone, I, I literally put my phone away and I am there. And I love that about myself, but that day in and day out without enough time for myself in between just sucks. it like racks me, you know?

Sam

Well, I can, I mean, I can't imagine. Cause I, I mean, I don't sit there on my phone with other people, but I'm not going to like, you know, if we got stuff to do, I'm going to go do it. I'm not going to just, you know, sit, sit around all day. Not that, not that you're sitting around. Whoa. I wasn't trying to say that. I'm just, I just don't dole out my energy as much as you do.

Jaclyn

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll dole out my energy and then go get on my laptop and try and hammer stuff out.

Sam

Yeah.

Jaclyn

You know, so it's just kind of a constant cycle of depletion. Yeah. Anyway, enough about that. I

Sam

think that's why people like you more than they like me

Jaclyn

too. Well,

Sam

I'm cool with

Jaclyn

it. I'm not going to disagree with you there. Okay. I think the last thing we want to talk on and we have already touched on this though, is our communication amidst these challenges. Um,

Sam

I feel like we talked about that. We

Jaclyn

did. We really did. And I think, again, to just say that I am now aware of how leaky my boundaries have been and I'm going to change that in the future. So I'm sorry that I gave you, I know I've already apologized, but publicly, I'm sorry that I gave you those yeses and it was confusing because I understand why it would be confusing for you.

Sam

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was, it was confusing and frustrating, but I'm sure like the funny thing is, is I'm sure someone that was looking in from the outside, outside perspective would have been like, what are you guys

Jaclyn

doing? We literally had company a week after we moved in. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So summary, consistency with healthy habits makes everything easier. Consistency in generating new business. Uh-oh, the screen went off. Consistency in generating new business is so important for what we do in real estate. So instead of trying to control what's already on the plate, understanding we still got to be looking ahead, y'all. Consistency in regard to maintaining boundaries, which is... That's my thing. And then consistency in communication, giving each other grace, having difficult conversations, being vulnerable. And

Sam

just communicating in general, like making an effort to communicate, regardless of if you really know what you want to communicate or can really understand it. I think just the act of intentionally saying whatever,

Jaclyn

Yeah, keeping open conversation.

Sam

Keeping the lines open.

Jaclyn

Keeping the lines open. So the question that we want you to ponder and the question we want to leave you with is... How

Sam

can you take ownership of your obstacles?

Jaclyn

All right, y'all. We'll see you in the next episode. Thank you so much for listening. This is The Freq Show with Sam and Jaclyn Thurmond. Thank you so much for listening to The Freq Show with Sam Thurmond and me, Jaclyn Steele Thurmond. We would love to connect with you via our website, beckonliving.com and on social media.

Sam

You can find us on Instagram and TikTok at Beckon Living, and you can join our email list to receive uplifting messages, podcast and business updates, and discounts on high-frequency products just for our freqy community. Cheers to high-frequency living.