Waheed 00:38
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome back to “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host Waheed Jensen, thank you so much for joining me in today's episode. Today’s episode is part IV and the last episode from our series on porn and sex addictions. In the last episode, we spoke about the withdrawal period, potential pitfalls and mind games on the journey of healing and recovery, as well as practical tips and tools that we can use on our journey. We also shared some helpful apps, websites and support systems, and discussed how to deal with periods of difficulty, and how to disclose to people close to you, should you choose to do so.

In this episode, we wrap up our series with some helpful spiritual reflections that put things in proper context, particularly with regards to our discussion over the last couple of episodes in relation to porn, masturbation and sex addiction, inshaAllah. So let’s get started.

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While researching the topic of sexual recovery and addictions in detail, I came across a podcast episode of “Coffee with Karim,” where the host, Karim Serageldin, interviews Br. Zeyad Ramadan from “Purify Your Gaze,” an organization that helps people address and overcome pornography addiction and unwanted sexual behaviors. We talked about Purify Your Gaze in the previous episode, as you may recall. I’ll add a link to this particular episode in the episode description. Part of the episode with Br. Zeyad compared lessons from the story of Yunus (PBUH) to the struggles of people on the path of sexual recovery, and I found the parallels and metaphors fascinating. I’m sure you will too.

As you may know, Yunus Ibn Matta (Prophet Jonah) was a Messenger of Allah sent to Ninawah, a city in northern Iraq with a population of over a hundred thousand. Prophet Yunus (PBUH) immediately set out to fulfill his Lord’s wish and invited his people to turn to Allah and not worship idols. Just like the many nations that rejected the prophets and messengers before, the people of Ninawah rejected Yunus (PBUH).

But Yunus was not deterred; he continued to call them to the worship of Allah, he wanted to help them and was persistent, he did not give up on his people. Despite their ignorance and harsh words against him, he continued to warn them of Allah’s punishment. After a while, Prophet Yunus (PBUH) was disheartened and gave up on his people. Without the permission of Allah, he decided to leave the city of Ninawah in hopes of finding a community far away that would accept him and enter the fold of Islam, or submission to God.

Allah says in Surat Al-Anbiya’, “And [mention] the man of the fish [i.e., Yunus], when he went off in anger and thought that We would not decree [anything] upon him” [21:87]. Notice here, we’re shown what anger and despair can do. At the end of the day, we are all human. It is easy to succumb to our emotions and frustrations. Allah reminds us through this story of the dangers of letting our anger and despair consume us, and that for every rash action taken out of anger there will always be consequences. In terms of sexual recovery, it goes something like “Why aren’t things working out the way they should? I’ve tried and tried, and nothing works. God isn’t helping me. Where’s the justice and fairness in all this? Why me?” etc. and then people give up and quit, right? Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

Meanwhile, Prophet Yunus (PBUH), who had left Ninawah, had boarded a small passenger ship with the intention of travelling as far away from his people as possible. The ship travelled through the calm waters during the day; but as the night closed in, a storm raged on, rocking the ship wildly. The crew and passengers began to fear for their lives as the sea water gradually began flooding onto the deck, slowly sinking the ship. As the tempest continued throughout the night, the captain of the ship ordered his men to throw the luggage and all other excess loads overboard to lighten the ship’s load. They did this, but the ship remained too heavy. The captain was left with no choice—he had to sacrifice the life of one man if he wished to save the lives of his crew and passengers. As it was a common practice among men during those times, the captain decided to draw lots to choose the passenger to be sacrificed.  

The lots were cast and Prophet Yunus’s name was selected. The men knew that Yunus was a young, righteous, honest and blessed man, so they refused to throw him overboard and agreed to draw lots again. So the lots were cast once more, and Yunus’s name came up a second time. The men refused to throw Yunus over once again, so they drew lots for the third time, and Yunus’s name came up yet again! The men were baffled, but Prophet Yunus (PBUH) knew that this was the verdict of Allah, as he had left his people without his Lord’s consent. So Yunus jumped off the ship into the dark, angry waves in the middle of the ocean.

At Allah’s command, the largest whale in the ocean swallowed Yunus just as he hit the water. Prophet Yunus, who was unconscious, awoke to find himself enveloped by sheer darkness. As his senses awakened, he realized that he was not in his grave, but he was in fact in the stomach of a large whale. In Surat As-Saffat, Allah says, “And indeed, Yunus was among the messengers. [Mention] when he ran away to the laden ship. And he drew lots and was among the losers. Then the fish swallowed him, while he was blameworthy. And had he not been of those who exalt Allah, He would have remained inside its belly until the Day they are resurrected” [37:139-145].

Allah ordered the whale not to eat his flesh or his bones and that he would not serve as food for the whale. So the whale took him and swam around and around in the sea with him. Meanwhile, Yunus PBUH heard the creatures of the sea glorifying Allah, the All-Merciful. He even heard the pebbles glorifying Allah. At that, he started glorifying Allah himself, turning to Allah in repentance and sincerity. We are taught his du’aa to this day. Allah mentions this in Surat Al-Anbiya’, “And [mention] the man of the fish [i.e., Yunus], when he went off in anger and thought that We would not decree [anything] upon him. And he called out within the darknesses, " لا اله الا انت سبحانك اني كنت من الظالمين - There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers." So We responded to him and saved him from the distress. And thus do We save the believers” [Qur’an 21:87-88]. “Then he called out in the darkness” means the darkness of being inside the whale, the darkness of the sea and the darkness of the night. Other commentators said that the whale was swallowed by a larger whale and thus the darkness increased from that of one whale to two along with the darkness of the sea.

For us, the whale and the darkness can serve as a metaphor of a trial that we’re stuck in that we can’t get out of; we try and try, but we can’t seem to get anywhere. We literally can’t move. What was Yunus’s dua’a (PBUH)?  - لا اله الا انت سبحانك اني كنت من الظالمين - There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers. He turned to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala with sincerity and embraced his own powerlessness. The only way to achieve success and power through our trials comes from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala only. “Had he not been of those who glorify Allah, he would have surely stayed in its belly until the Day of Resurrection.” [As-Saffat, 37:143-144] -- meaning, had he not glorified Allah therein, and said what he said, and confessed his sins accompanied with repentance, he would have remained there till the Day of Resurrection and been resurrected from the belly of the whale. If we don’t turn to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, we will always be stuck in our own darkness, with no way out whatsoever. Whatever the outcome of our lives, we must remember that everything in its entirety is willed and created by Allah – and that we must remain faithful in our trust in Allah no matter what. 

In a hadith reported by Sa'd ibn Abi Waqâs, the Prophet (PBUH) said: "Whoever supplicates using the supplication of Yunus will be answered." Again, لا اله الا انت سبحانك اني كنت من الظالمين - There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers. An extraordinary duaa of tawheed, surrender and turning to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala with sincerity as we admit our wrongdoings and powerlessness.

Remembering the emotions and feelings of Prophet Yunus when he felt the despair and fear of remaining trapped for the rest of his life, we can empathize and understand just how important our faith in Allah is – Prophet Yunus (PBUH) teaches us that patience truly is an essential act of worship. By remaining patient and steadfast in our faith in Allah, we will succeed, inshaAllah. And particularly when it comes to sexual recovery, patience, steadfastness and not despairing or giving up are very crucial elements in this journey. 

When Prophet Yunus was in complete darkness and isolation, he turned to Allah in repentance and powerlessness. He admitted his own weakness in front of Allah as well as his weakness in the context in which he found himself. Many times we are powerless against our whims and temptations, lusts and desires, our addictions consume us, and we find ourselves stuck in a bottomless pit. We have to humble ourselves in front of Allah, admit our weakness and powerlessness, and seek help through Him subhanahu wa ta’ala first and foremost. That’s why a major step in 12-step programs is admitting one’s powerlessness against particular addictions. We admit our weakness, desperation and complete reliance on Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. If He does not grant us His help and guidance, we can never achieve anything or succeed in any way.

Prophet Yunus (PBUH) also had time to reflect and ponder. He re-evaluated his choices and had openings in the process. This is an invitation to reflect on our own lives, our own choices, the mechanisms with which we operate. Sometimes we need to dig deeper to uncover many things to which we’re oblivious. There are deep issues that we may be dealing with, just like we’ve been discussing so far in this podcast.

Later on, Allah, the Most-Merciful, commanded the whale to spit out Prophet Yunus at the nearest shore. Yunus’s body was inflamed as a result of the acids in the whale’s stomach. He was weak and sick physically. He had no protection against the sun and wind, he was on a barren land. So Allah commanded a tree to grow over Yunus to provide him with food and shade. Allah says in Surat As-Saffat, “But We threw him onto the open shore while he was ill. And We caused to grow over him a gourd vine” [37:145-146]. Some scholars said that there was wisdom in the marrow plant growing over his body. They explained it by saying that its leaves are very soft and plentiful, that they provide shadow and that flies do not come to it. Also, its fruits can be eaten from their emergence on the tree right up till they ripen, both in cooked or uncooked form, and even with their skin and seeds. It also contains benefits for the brain and other parts of the body.

We are asked to seek help and things Allah created for us to help us heal on our individual journeys. And these take time to work. There has to be hard work and patience in the process. Yes, we need prayer and connection to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala for sure, but Allah also gives us worldly provisions to use. We should seek worldly means of help in the process. Even if you become more religious, there are other aspects that need to be dealt with. Spirituality is important, but so are the physical aspects of recovery (like proper sleep, nutrition and physical movement/exercise) and the psychological and emotional work (like therapy, counseling and healing work), as well as social aspects (like support systems, accountability and giving back to the community). Remember the bio-psycho-social-spiritual approach we’ve been discussing this season. Allah gives us means that we need to make use of on our journey, to benefit from, so we can give back, inshaAllah. We have responsibilities to take care of, using provisions that He, subhanahu wa ta’ala, has bestowed upon us.

When Yunus (PBUH) was completely recovered, he travelled back to Ninawah to complete his mission. Upon arriving at his hometown, Yunus was stunned—the entire population of Ninawah had accepted Islam and was awaiting his arrival. The Prophet Yunus thought the people of Ninawa had been destroyed, but that did not happen. After he had left them before, the people of Ninawa noticed the skies darkening and became terrified. One of the followers of Prophet Yunus convinced them to go to the seashore, beg God for forgiveness and plead with Him not to curse them. God forgave them. Once Prophet Yunus recuperated and went back to Ninawa, he discovered that not only were the people of Ninawa saved, but most of them now followed his message.

Prophet Yunus’s mistake was despair. After being told by God that they had three days before being destroyed, it was not Yunus’s right to give up on his people. At the last second, one of his followers that remained behind made all the difference. That mistake was so grave that he had to go through an excruciatingly painful experience. And this was meant for purification. If you recall, we addressed the wisdoms behind trials and tribulations back in season 2 in detail, so I encourage you to refer back to those episodes as you move forward in your journey.

The end of the story is that, together with his people, Yunus prostrated to his Lord and thanked him for all His blessings. Allah says in Surat Al-Anbiya’, “So We responded to him and saved him from distress. And thus do We save the believers” [21:88]. Allah reminds us of His mercy – with the story of Prophet Yunus (PBUH), we are taught the notion that with the understanding of tawheed comes the understanding that Allah’s mercy encompasses all. We must never give up on our faith in Allah’s mercy.

Our job is to persist on the righteous path until the last second possible. We have to keep going and persisting even if things don’t work out the way we want them to, or if our prayers have not been answered. Being righteous and virtuous and doing good deeds isn’t about getting the results that we want, how we want them and when we want them, but rather sticking to the track because that’s what’s ultimately true and rewarding, and giving it up to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala to manifest that when He pleases. And this involves an element of surrender to Allah. When we go about with an attitude of “I want it now! I’m doing this for Him, why is it taking so long? This is so frustrating, it’s been years of constant ups and downs!” that speaks of short-sightedness and hastiness. Nothing worth it comes easy. Patience and perseverance are important virtues to cultivate. There’s always a chance to get feedback, learn about what’s missing, what can be adjusted and improved, and, as they say, practice makes permanent.

That is why the Prophet Yunus (PBUH) was the prophet to be mentioned by Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) at Ta’if. It is not a coincidence that among the worst persecution that the Prophet Muhammad endured was in Ta'if. After suffering enormously in Mecca, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) travels to Ta'if in an attempt to get amnesty. Instead, people there threw rocks at him to the extent that he bled from his feet. Insulted, humiliated and assaulted, he escapes from Ta’if and collapses in absolute exhaustion, bleeding and injured. 

At that point, a slave boy sees the Prophet (PBUH), sympathizes with him and brings him grapes. The Prophet finds out this boy is from Ninawa; the same city of the Prophet Yunus, but hundreds of years later. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is reminded at that moment of the revelation in Surat al-Qalam, which warned him to learn from the mistake of Prophet Yunus, that  despair is not an option. Allah says, “Then be patient for the decision of your Lord, [O Muḥammad], and be not like the companion of the fish [i.e., Yunus] when he called out while he was distressed. If not that a favor [i.e., mercy] from his Lord overtook him, he would have been thrown onto the naked shore while he was censured. And his Lord chose him and made him of the righteous” [68:48-50]. It is as if this boy was a little mercy from Allah sent to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). If we are not alert to the mercies and communications of Allah, we could easily miss them. How often in life does something appear completely coincidental that could actually be the way God is talking to us?

There is a strong connection between despair, immorality and sin. Most people do not choose to become immoral; they slip into sinful situations simply because they give up. We want to do what is right, but Shaytan whispers, “You have been doing what is right all your life. Has it really made any difference? God really doesn't care about you, so if you do this or believe in that, would it really make a difference?” Be it the shame narrative or whisperings from Shaytan or our nafs, many people start to gradually slip in baby steps until they can’t take it anymore and give up altogether.

Allah reminds us in Surat Al-‘Ankabut, “Do people think that they will be left to say, ‘We believe’ and they will not be tried?” [29:2]. Tests are meant to teach us, purify us, and give us strength and hone our skills to what Allah wants us to achieve. Also, in Surat Al-Mutaffifin, Allah says, “But no! In fact, their hearts have been stained by all ˹the evil˺ they used to commit!” [83:14]. Sometimes we have to humble ourselves and admit that we have sinned and this has caused our hearts to become tarnished, particularly with a long time of giving in to addictions and acting out. We take a step back and realize that wiping out all this neural programming and habits over the years will take time and effort. We can’t expect things to happen with a flick of a switch. But we seek Allah’s help and guidance, trust in Him, and ask Him to help us develop patience and perseverance on our path of recovery, growth and healing. Even if we fail, the more we keep on trying, the more the rewards incurred with every effort we put in, inshaAllah.

It’s also important to remember that surrender means that we’re active in our duty, it’s a constant daily process. If we’re doing it to get what we want, then it’s ego-driven and not for Allah. Surrender to Allah is for His sake only, trusting that what He chooses is what’s best, and whatever He chooses, we’re going to be content with it. It’s not easy, it takes daily practice. We have to renew our niyyahs -- our intentions -- daily. We trust in Allah’s wisdom that He will deliver the results that He wants, when He wants, and how He wants them. That's the ultimate reliance on Him. That’s “la ilaha illa Allah,” there is no God but Allah, we worship You alone and purify ourselves for You, accepting whatever You decree for us. Surrender and reliance on Allah are a major stepping stone on the road to recovery and healing.

Just like Prophet Yunus (PBUH) and his people at the end of the story, they thanked Allah and prostrated to Him, and they embraced the triumphs and victories. Sometimes we’re too dragged down by the negativity, complaining and failures. Appreciate the openings from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. Find joy in your everyday life, and appreciate the healthy connections that you make -- for, as we’ve established, the opposite of addiction is connection. Connecting more to good things (hobbies, community, solidarity, support, etc.) will help you feel less alone and will support you in your journey of healing and recovery.

I’d like to remind us all of a beautiful hadith narrated by Abdullah bin Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: One day I was behind the Prophet PBUH [riding on the same mount] and he said, “O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the people were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried.”

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Another important thing to take into account is, when someone slips, particularly after a long period of "sobriety", this constitutes an emotionally charged and difficult moment. Shaytan would have a field day by getting you to despair of the mercy of Allah SWT: “You are not good enough. Look at you being weak and fickle; you’ll never succeed anyway. God hates you. See? You slipped! He didn’t save you! You'll never overcome this challenge. You might as well give up. You’ll never change; you’re only fooling yourself.” And more and more of this nonsense. We’ve touched upon this briefly in the previous episode, but I’ll repeat this again given the context of the discussion.

As A. Helwa says in her book Secrets of Divine Love: “Spiritual progress follows the shape of a spiral: even when it seems like you are going back to where you started, you can actually be ascending in a deeper way. The practice of tawba is a means of spiritual course correction, in which we realign our hearts and intention toward Allah.”

What does Shaytan seek from us in a moment of weakness? To give up and fall into despair, shame and disconnection from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. What does Allah want from us in contrast? To repent with sincerity, get back up and move forward towards Him. We’ve spoken about desires, temptation, sin and repentance in detail back in season 2, as you may recall. But since we’re on the topic of repentance, I’m going to share some more gems from the book Secrets of Divine Love that I found so moving, hoping that we can all reflect on these pearls and return to them when we need to. This entire section is from the book.

"Our path of return to God begins exactly where we are. We are not meant to be worthy of God before we turn to faith, but rather it is through God’s all-encompassing mercy (Ar-Rahman) that we are made worthy. In other words, there is no such thing as being too bad, too lost, or too broken for a God who created everything in existence to fix and repair. Rumi says, “Water says to the dirty, ‘Come here.’ The dirty one says, ‘I am ashamed.’ Water says, ‘How will your shame be washed away without me?’” Even if we keep making the same mistake or falling for the same temptation, God calls us to keep seeking the cleansing waters of His mercy.

Do not listen to the voices that say you are too imperfect for a perfect God, that you are too filthy to be cleaned, or too horrible to be redeemed—no matter what life you have led, your mistakes or sins can never be greater than God’s mercy. “O My servants who have transgressed against their souls! Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (39:53)

In a hadith qudsi narrated by the Prophet PBUH, “Satan said: ‘By Your might, O Lord, I will continue to mislead the children of Adam, as long as their souls are in their bodies.’ Allah said: ‘By My might and majesty, I will continue to forgive them, as long as they seek my forgiveness.’” Ultimately, our greatest loss is living a life without asking God for forgiveness. Allah is Al-Afuww or “The Pardoner,” whose forgiveness is like a divine presidential pardon: He completely eradicates the record of our sin and removes all the negative consequences of our choices. The mercy of God is why the Qur’an beseeches us to seek forgiveness. “Glorify the praises of your Lord and ask for His forgiveness. Verily, He is ever accepting of repentance.” (110:3)

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Becoming more spiritual and God-conscious does not mean we’re no longer tested with the voices and thoughts of temptation conjured by our ego, but rather that we have more awareness around the voices that call us toward darkness, shame, and separation. Just as the stars are always in the sky, but we only can see them in the darkness of the night, the voices of the ego and Devil may remain present. The difference between someone close to God and someone turned away from God is not in whether or not they are tempted, but rather in where they are focusing their attention.

The more we turn to God’s light, the brighter the skies of our mind become and the dimmer the stars of the ego and Devil appear in comparison. Instead of looking to self-reliance to overcome temptation, we are called to lean into God. The Devil is an expert at using our imperfections to make us feel unworthy of having a relationship with God. If we try to fight the Devil we will always lose, so the only way to overcome the Devil is through the help of God. “Those who are aware of God when a passing impulse from the Devil touches them, they bring God to remembrance and at once they see things clearly.”  (7:201)

No matter what the Devil tempts you with, instead of fighting the temptation or trying to figure out a way around it, go to Allah first. A powerful way to do this in practice is to respond to every temptation with a prayer. Take a moment and be conscious of the distractions or temptations you’re experiencing. Whenever you are being drawn away from your heart and toward something that is against one of the commands of God and feels like it will not serve the holiness of your heart, you are being tempted by the Devil.

The voices of the Devil might sound like, You are not good enough, you will always fall short...you will never overcome this addiction, you are too sinful for God...this is not that big of deal, just one more time and then you can give this up, God doesn’t really care...God will not accept someone as bad as you anyway, so you might as well do what feels good. You may even notice how the Devil thrives on hopelessness and despair. The Devil will use your shortcomings to instill fear and shame within you, trying to make you feel you are not worthy of having a relationship with God.

Once you are conscious of the voice of the Devil, don’t fight his voice or be drawn into it; rather, turn it over to God in the form of a prayer. For example, if the Devil tempts you with lust, ask Allah for help in turning your desires toward Him. If the Devil tries to get you to stop praying, ask Allah for help in being more attentive in prayer. If the Devil attempts to shame you through shortcomings in your faith, ask Allah to help purify your intentions. When you become aware that the Devil attacks the places in your faith that are the weakest, his whispers of temptation actually become doorways into how to strengthen your faith and become closer to God.

When we turn away from Allah’s light, like the earth when it turns away from the sun, we fall into a state of spiritual darkness, not because Allah has punished us but because out of our free will we chose to turn our awareness away from the light of truth. However, the darkness of separation is an illusion; Allah is closer to us than the very breath in our lungs. Repentance is returning our awareness to the divine connection we are already plugged into, by awakening us from the illusion of separation from God. When we return to face Allah through repentance, Allah not only forgives our sins, but the sins themselves become reminders of Allah’s mercy and forgiveness. In this way, our sins become symbols of Allah’s love and thus serve to return our gaze to the face of the Divine. As the Qur’an says, “Except those who repent and believe, and do righteous deeds, for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful” (25:70). Allah blesses us beyond what we deserve and gives to us without accounting from the storehouses of His grace. God is consistently seeking to forgive us; repentance is just one of the ways we can access His eternal and overflowing mercy. 

“Our Lord descends to the lowest heaven in the last third of every night, and He says: ‘Who is calling upon Me that I may answer him? Who is asking from Me that I may give to him? Who is seeking My forgiveness that I may forgive him?’” - Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

When we repent, we are simultaneously turning away from sinful actions and turning toward God for realignment on the straight path of truth. It is important to always ask God for help, but we must also strive to live by the principles that Allah has called us to foster within ourselves. “Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change themselves.” (13:11)

When we turn from our sins, and actively and intentionally turn towards God’s light, everything changes. Albert Einstein famously said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” In other words, repentance helps us change our state of mind and heart, shifting our frequency from ego-consciousness to God-consciousness — allowing us to tune into the channel of divine love that is continuously being broadcasted in every single moment. Allah says in the Qur’an, “Allah loves those who repent and those who purify themselves” (2:222), because repentance allows us to experience God’s love by removing the veils of illusion and sin. 

God’s love for us does not change with the tides, it does not strengthen and weaken like the waxing and waning moon; it is consistent and unconditional, for “God is independent of all creatures” (3:97). It is not Allah’s love for us that changes; rather, it is our awareness of His love that can become veiled. This is why how we act can have a profound effect on what kind of reality we experience. As Allah says in the Qur’an, “As for him whose measure of good deeds is heavy, he will live a pleasant life” (101:6-7). Through repentance and good deeds, God gives us the ability to open the blinds created by sin, allowing the light of God’s love to come inside our hearts, bringing with it endless waves of peace and contentment.

When we realize that repentance is not something we have to do, but rather something we get to do, our whole life begins to change. We begin to see that when Allah gives us the awareness that we have sinned, He is not shaming us, but actually calling us back into the arms of His love. As Rumi says, “The wound is where the light enters,” because it is in our weaknesses that we taste God’s strength, it is in our shortcomings that we experience God’s perfection, and it is in our brokenness that we feel God’s mercy. 

A perfect metaphor for this is found in an ancient practice in Japanese art called Kintsukuroi (also known as Kintsugi), meaning “golden repair.” In Kintsukuroi, pottery that is broken is repaired with gold or silver lacquer, as a way of embracing and celebrating the beauty that comes with being broken. The beauty in our imperfections is that, through repentance, our scars transform from moments of regret to reminders of God’s mercy and compassion. It feels freeing to know that the ways in which we fall short are doorways back into the divine presence of perfection. As one mystic profoundly put it, “O my Lord! I am my weakness, but You are my strength.” 

[...]

We must learn to forgive ourselves for the things we did not know, before we had the opportunity to learn them. Everybody has perfect vision when they look back in hindsight, but if we want to move forward, we must learn from the past, not live in it…

Tawba is not just about asking God for forgiveness; it is also about seeing ourselves as worthy enough to receive His mercy. The first step to self-forgiveness begins by looking at ourselves through the eyes of God, instead of through the eyes of our sins. 

When we sin and turn to God in humility, our reliance on God increases. As Rumi says, “Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” The awareness that we’ve sinned is cause for gratitude, because it creates a path of return to Him. Our inclination to repent is a sign that God is calling us toward Him. The Devil wants us to be preoccupied with our mistakes, because as long as we are looking at our humanity, our eyes are turned away from the divine perfection of God. As long as we are looking at our sins, we are losing the opportunity to witness God’s forgiveness.

It is important to be reminded that our fallibility cannot make an unchanging God love us any less. So the next time you make a mistake, don’t allow yourself to drown in shame; instead, choose to consciously return your heart to Allah, for it is only in His remembrance that you can truly find peace. The doors of God are always open for those who sincerely seek to be in His presence. Every single day God gives us a new chance to be welcomed into the arms of His grace. “And whoever keeps His duty to God, God will appoint a way out for him.” (65:2)

Our God is faithful and His mercy wraps around us more completely than the arms of a loving mother embracing her infant child. The lights of His love, forgiveness, and mercy are always surrounding us; we simply have to open our eyes and receive His divine qualities that are already manifesting both within and around us. 

When we are practicing tawba, we are not just asking God to forgive us, we are asking God to also return us to Him. The first step of this return begins by acknowledging the places and ways our hearts have turned away. It is important to allow ourselves to feel the guilt and remorse that manifests from having turned away from God. We are not called to punish ourselves, but to access the sincere grief of being disconnected from God.

Once we connect with our regret and guilt, we then want to tune into where we are holding these feelings in our body. When we feel where we are physically carrying resistance, anxiety, guilt, disappointment, or any other feeling that is coming up, we are ready to begin the healing practice of tawba.

We begin by placing our hands where we feel we are holding the weight of sin, and we call upon Allah to bring his healing light into this place of pain. Once we have made our intention to Allah, we take a deep breath in and on the exhale we recite Astaghfirullah, which means, “I seek forgiveness from Allah.” When we repeat this chant consciously, bringing this sacred phrase to the places we feel constriction, we begin to feel a blossoming peace within us. “If anyone constantly seeks forgiveness, Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he could never imagine.” - Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

Although Astaghfirullah is one of the most common chants of seeking forgiveness, one of the most profound and well-known prayers of repentance in Arabic is Astaghfirullah al-Azeem al-lazi la ilaha illa Huwal-Hayyul-Qayyum wa atubu ilaih, which translates to “I seek forgiveness from Allah, The Mighty, whom there is none worthy of worship except Him, The Living, The Eternal, and I turn to Him in repentance.”

The Prophet said that if we establish a practice of reciting this prayer of forgiveness, even if our sins were as much as the foam on the vast oceans of the Earth, we would still be forgiven by the infinite grace of God.

Repentance is not about punishment, it is about returning to the path of love. We are called to sit in the fire of regret as a way to purify ourselves from the inclination to return to the same sin. “Pure repentance is feeling sorrow in the heart, seeking forgiveness with the tongue, and having the intention to never do it again.” - Imam Ali

Every moment is an opportunity to turn to God. Regret and remorse are not meant to be utilized as a form of self-punishment, but to minimize our ego’s longing for worldly desires through humility and neediness for Allah. Fostering a sense of remorse or guilt is not the same as shame, for sincere guilt is a product of our pure conscience that reminds us who we are by turning us away from sin and returning us to our essential goodness. Where guilt says something we did is wrong, shame says that we are wrong. If we respond to sin with shame, we run the risk of wallowing in our mistakes, instead of acknowledging our neediness and turning to God for help.

Although sin can veil the innate goodness of our souls, it cannot alter it. If we were truly bad, then there would be no point in repenting, for there would be no authentic good self to return to God. Just as polishing only makes sense if there is a diamond beneath the dirt, repentance only makes sense because we carry an innately good spirit beneath the dust of forgetfulness and sin. As Rumi says, “When they ask, ‘How long will you boil in the fire?’ Reply by saying, ‘Until I am pure.’”

Repentance is the key to unlocking and escaping the prison of our limited perception of ourselves, so that we can see beneath what has happened to us, what the world thinks of us, and beyond our actions and words, there is a pure soul within us that is holy and perfectly beautiful. Perhaps this is why the Prophet Muhammad said, “By Allah! I ask for forgiveness from Allah and turn to Him in repentance more than seventy times a day.”

Repentance and remembrance of God helps to polish the rust on the mirror of our hearts, allowing us to see the beauty of Allah that is constantly being reflected through us. When we remember who God is, when we praise and magnify Him, when we come needy and desperate for His forgiveness, we actualize who we truly are beneath the weight of our sins. Repentance is letting go of our baggage, because we understand that by Allah’s mercy we are not defined by our past. As the mystics say, “The ocean refuses no river,” so how could an infinitely merciful God refuse any sinner? We are not worthy of God’s forgiveness because of our repentance, but because God’s mercy embraces all things, including our sin. This is why the mystics cleverly repent to Allah by saying: “Oh Allah, plead on my behalf with Yourself, do what is worthy of You, not worthy of me!”"

So I thought about sharing all this wonderful material from A.Helwa’s book, Secrets of Divine Love, as they are beautiful gems to keep in mind on our journeys of healing, recovery and life at large.

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And with this, we have come to the end of today’s episode, which wraps up our series on porn and sex addictions. I hope that you have found the series of episodes beneficial on your recovery journey, inshaAllah. I would like to end this episode with a du’aa from Secrets of Divine Love that goes as follows: “‘My Lord! Forgive and have mercy, for You are the best of those who show mercy’ (23:118). My Lord! Return my heart to You when I turn away, remind me of You when I am forgetful, and guide me on Your path of grace with every step I take. O Allah, turn my gaze from my mistakes toward Your mercy. My Lord, in my faultiness, help me see an opportunity to return to You; in my brokenness, help me see Your healing power. O Allah, let my shamefulness be cleansed with the waters of Your love, and let my sins be covered with the cloak of Your perfection! In Your forgiving names I pray, Ameen.”

In the next episode inshaAllah, we will discuss the topic of sexual abuse over a series of two episodes, inshaAllah. Until next time, stay safe and healthy. This has been Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh.