Waheed 00:37
Assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wa barakatuh, and welcome to a new episode of “A Way Beyond The Rainbow”, this podcast series dedicated to Muslims experiencing same-sex attractions who want to live a life true to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and Islam. I'm your host, Waheed Jensen. Thank you for joining me in today's episode, and joining me today is my dear friend Aadam, who's joining me again this season, and we will be talking about self-discipline as well as self-esteem. Assalamu alaikom Aadam, how are you?
Aadam 01:05
Wa alaikom assalam, I'm good thanks. How are you?
Waheed 01:07
I'm good, alhamdulillah. It’s so nice to have you back!
Aadam 01:09
I know! It feels like it has not been that long, which is nice.
Waheed 01:13
I know, Subhan Allah. The last time you were here, we had that four-episode series on complex trauma, as you guys remember earlier on in this season. Alhamdulilah, we've been getting a lot of positive feedback on these episodes, we've had a lot of discussions with brothers and sisters who reached out and spoke to us about how those episodes really resonated with them. As triggering as they may have been, alhamdulilah, they were eye opening, and they were helpful. So, we are very glad and grateful and honored that the content has been really helpful on your individual journeys, inshaAllah. So, please let us know at any point, if you would like to just share with us your comments, concerns, suggestions, anything that's on your mind, feel free to reach out, inshaAllah.
Aadam and I are going to be talking about and covering, in today's episode and in the next episode, the topic of self-discipline. Now, as you guys know, throughout this season in particular, we've been talking about topics that are related to the healing journey and recovery journey. And the reason we postponed talking about self-discipline and self-esteem until the end of this season is because, as you may have realized, it was necessary to talk about the sexual recovery topics before - when we talk about pornography addiction, sex addiction, compulsive masturbation, or even sexual abuse, dealing with these matters and getting to a place where we are in the driver's seat, so to speak, as far as these issues are concerned, actually helps us with our self-discipline and self-esteem. So, we chose to talk about self-discipline and self-esteem towards the end of this season to recap everything and just put everything in perspective. These topics, in particular, are very important and very relevant to our healing and recovery journeys.
In this episode, we will be talking about self-discipline, motivation, willpower, and we'll be talking about how to deal with the mental chaos and different practical ways to develop self-discipline. In the next episode, inshaAllah, we will be talking about developing habits, time management and overcoming procrastination and developing a morning routine as well as general life routines. So, let's get started, inshaAllah.
03:43
Okay, so before we begin talking about self-discipline in general and what it entails, we need to lay down a foundation, and that involves a couple of definitions. We often mix up terms like self-discipline, self-control, motivation, willpower, and so on and so forth. It would be worth defining these terms, so that we are all on the same page, inshaAllah, and we understand the differences and the similarities between them.
There's a beautiful definition and examples that are given by the personal coach, Sam Thomas Davies, when he says, and I'm quoting here, “Self-discipline is about leaning into resistance. Taking action in spite of how you feel. Living a life by design, not by default. But most importantly, it’s acting in accordance with your thoughts – not your feelings. You might not feel like writing a blog post, running eight miles or waking up before dawn, but you know doing them is conducive to your happiness, wealth, and success in the long-term. You never need to feel motivated when you know what must be done. That’s self-discipline.” So, in other words, self-discipline is about getting yourself to do what you have to do despite how you feel, and that involves patience, of course, it involves consistency, commitment and structure. You are being committed to your higher values and higher goals on a constant basis.
There are internal and external obstacles to self-discipline. And when we talk about internal obstacles, we mean things that come from within, like making excuses, feeling lazy, procrastinating, having self-doubt, any form of self-sabotage, the numbing or addictive behaviors that we engage in, etc. Those are all kinds of internal obstacles to developing self-discipline, and we'll talk a lot about these, inshaAllah, in these two episodes. External obstacles are the ones that come from outside, and they are the challenges that we face in our lives, the toxic people, the environment that we are in, maybe peer pressure, distractions, social media, and so on. And, inshaAllah, we'll talk more about these as well as we go through these episodes.
Aadam 06:01
So if that's the definition of self-discipline, what is motivation, you might be thinking? Motivation is the level of desire or reason. In other words, the “why” for us to do to do things, discipline is the “what” despite how you feel. Motivation has more to do with feelings than anything else. And discipline, in a nutshell, means doing what you have to do despite not feeling it, as opposed to waiting to feel like it until you do it, which sets you up for failure. The late author and entrepreneur Jim Rohn, once said, and I quote, “Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.” To summarize both of these, self-discipline is what we want to do, while motivation is the “why” behind what we want to do. Which takes us on to willpower. Willpower is when you're dedicated to what you're doing, and powering through it, doing what you need to do despite how you feel in that moment. So, you control your attention, emotions and actions, when there are lots of external and internal distractions going on. Willpower is all about “I will”. Would it be accurate to say that it is an “in the moment” type of tool?
Waheed 07:19
Yes. For sure, because you're powering through despite how you feel at the moment. For example, I feel sucky at the moment and every bone in my body is telling me not to do it, but I'm like, “I will do it.” Hence the term “willpower”. So, “I will”, as in willpower, it comes from “I will”, because I'm willing to actually do this, despite how I feel.
Aadam 07:38
Yeah, that makes sense. And then the last one is self-control. Self-control is saying, “I won’t”. It's all about controlling your impulses and avoiding things you know you shouldn't do. Things like “I want to indulge in this dessert while I'm on a diet”, I'm so guilty of this by the way. I love to have something sweet in the evening after dinner. I just can’t sit still. Another example would be “I won't binge watch my series instead of studying”, or “I won't cheat on my wife” in a more serious example, or “I won't disobey Allah in this moment of trigger”, and so on. So it's very interesting to see how these things differ. And, like you said, at the beginning, we often conflate and confuse some of these. I think that having clear definitions actually helps us to realize where we need to improve, and how we can separate some of these things out so that we can maximize being our best productive selves.
Waheed 08:41
Exactly. 100%. And we will add a lot of resources and references in the episode description so make sure to check them out, many of which help us on the journey of self-discipline, as well as building habits, motivational power and all of that. When we talk about willpower versus self-control, as Aadam was saying, willpower means “I will do something despite how I feel”, versus self-control, which means, “I am controlling my impulses from indulging in something that I know I shouldn't be doing.” So, “I will” versus “I will not”. And a lot of people ask, “How do we develop our will power to get ourselves to do something despite how we feel?” which is the essence of self-discipline. And there's a very beautiful summary by the famous priest and entrepreneur Dandapani, who compares willpower to brain muscle that you work out. It's like a muscle that you have that gets stronger the more you work it. It takes time and patience to build, but then they become stronger with time, because you have to have daily commitment. And how do you develop will power? He says by three things: “Finishing what you begin, doing a little bit better than you think you can, and doing a little bit more than you think you can.” So to kind of push your boundaries a little bit more than you are used to. How do we start doing that? Just look at what you do on a daily basis, in terms of your repeated habits, the things that you do on a daily basis, like sleeping, having breakfast, let's say, going to work, praying, the usual things. Every moment and task that you perform, everything that you do helps you cultivate willpower, when you bring your awareness to the present moment and invest your energy in what you do.
Anyone who's reached this episode in the season has probably heard us talk about conscious awareness and bringing our attention to the present moment a lot of times, so you guys are familiar with this concept. So, actually, living every task from the beginning and having that conscious awareness from the beginning of the task. Like when I want to go to sleep, I will prepare myself to sleep. If I want to have breakfast, I will prepare my breakfast and enjoy the process of eating it. Grounding yourself using the five senses in the process. And then, as you're preparing for it, you also finish what you start. So, this is one of the three things that he talks about, finishing what you start. How do we finish sleep? By waking up and making the bed. Don't leave your bed without making your bed. If you're having breakfast, finish what you start. Once you finish breakfast, finish eating and then put away the dishes, don't just put them in the sink, but rather wash your dishes or put them in the dishwasher. And so on and so forth.
Other than finishing what you start, push yourself daily to do one thing that you know you should be doing and avoiding one thing that you should be avoiding. So, for example, you would say to yourself, “Today I will be in bed by 10pm sharp”, “I will not use social media to distract myself and then end up sleeping late”, “I will say ‘no’ when I need to say ‘no’ to people or set boundaries”, “I will not gossip”, for example. These are the things that you tell yourself, “I know I should be avoiding these things, I shouldn't be doing them, and I will push myself to do certain things that I know I should be doing.” So these are the tiny tricks which actually allow us to build willpower with time. They might seem minute or very trivial, but this is the way that we build that willpower muscle. Again, willpower is “I will, even if I don't feel like doing something that I know I should be doing. But I will get myself to do it.” That thing of powering through, as Aadam was saying.
So, again, the idea of self-discipline and willpower, getting myself to do the things that I need to be doing. How does it happen? It's through creating rituals for yourself that are regular. We have to be consistent, we have to practice constantly, until those habits become ingrained in our subconscious and they become automatic. It's all about building habits with consistency. It's all about having structure, and this is the focus of our series on self-discipline, inshaAllah.
Now, if you want to change behavior in the long term, you need motivation to start. And this is what Aadam was saying, when it comes to motivation, it’s having that desire, the “why”. You have to have that desire at the beginning. Author Leo Babauta says, and I'm quoting him, “You need to make it so easy that you can’t say no”, this is especially important at the beginning. When you want to start something, it has to be easy for you, and you have to be motivated enough to do it. With regularity, it will become a habit. But then if you become consistent with it, it will become a discipline for you. It's an example of who you are, not what you do, it becomes part of your identity that you're a disciplined man or woman. And the responsibility no longer falls on environmental cues to get you to do certain things, but actually, it falls on you. And you have the discipline to do certain things, regardless of your environment, as much as possible, or to the extent that you are capable of doing that. And you do it because you must, and you do it because you are disciplined. So let's just give a comprehensive example to kind of summarize everything.
Aadam 14:15
So a good example of this, and I'll break down each of these concepts through this example, is of a person who has been listening to inspirational talks and comes across healthy and fit people and finds the motivation to become healthier in their eating/exercising habits. These events lead to this buildup of motivation, this desire to want to be like these people who have inspired this person and have given them the emotional desire to want to change that part of their life. That's motivation.
This person makes the decision to start eating healthier, reducing junk foods, and exercising three to four times a week. So, you're in the work week, and you're exhausted, and you'd rather lie on the couch and binge watch a TV series instead of exercising. This is zero motivation. Motivation here has gone out the window. Right now, your desire to relax and to chill out is taking over, and the emotion, the desire to engage in being healthier is not there. However, you recall your commitment to exercise and the commitments you've made to stop eating junk food or reduce it and to exercise and all these things, and then you push yourself to do it. This is willpower. This is “I will do this, even though I feel like I don't want to.”
After the exercise, you have an endorphin rush, and you're super excited. I can attest to this. And you come across a fast-food restaurant let’s say, and some of your friends are there. You decide to have a healthy meal instead of indulging in something that's not good for you. This is self-control. This is saying “No, I don't want this. I have a mission, I have a plan, and I'm sticking to it.” And after some conscious awareness exercises, the urge calms down. So, you don't feel a craving anymore. All of these things are coming together, you're putting all these skills of willpower, self-control, and maintaining your commitments over a while to achieve your goals. This equals self-discipline. So, the culmination of all these things helps develop self-discipline, which so many of us struggle with. And then, after a couple of months, this becomes autonomous. There's no internal quarrels, you don't have conversations where you're trying to avoid doing what you know you have to, or you need to. It becomes habitual, it becomes a habit. We see that we need willpower, especially at the beginning, but then, after a while, things become automatic. And that's the goal about building the habit is such that it becomes almost inconceivable that you would do anything otherwise.
Waheed 17:09
Absolutely. And it's worth mentioning at this point that sometimes we don't have motivation to do things all the time. It comes and goes, even willpower comes and goes, but the idea is to get to a point where we can have that discipline, regardless of how we feel to get ourselves to do things, and it starts by taking daily consistent steps to building self-discipline, and we'll talk more about this, inshaAllah.
17:38
Now that we have introduced all of these different definitions and topics, let's talk the benefits of achieving self-discipline or building self-discipline and having willpower and self-control. Having self-discipline helps us stay focused on our values, our goals and our dreams, to accomplish the things that we really need to get done, to also resist temptations and to manage our time more wisely. You become more confident and empowered as you discipline yourself. Plato famously said, “The first and best victory is to conquer oneself.” When we talk about self-discipline and self-control as well, there's a lot in our Islamic tradition that deals with self-control and self-discipline. This concept of inner jihad, which is striving against our ego, against Shaytan, this is the “greater jihad”. It refers to our struggle against our nafs, our ego, and the devil's whisperings, and the struggle to avoid temptations and strive to achieve a virtuous life that is dedicated Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala through acts of worship and devotion. And, of course, all of this takes patience and daily work and it involves constant discipline. In the Qur’an, Allah says in Surat Ash-Shams, verses 9 to 10, “Successful indeed is the one who purifies his soul, and doomed is the one who corrupts it!” [91:9-10]. And in Surat An-Nazi’at, Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala says in verses 40 and 41, “And as for those who were in awe of standing before their Lord and restrained themselves from evil desires, Paradise will certainly be their home” [79:40-41]. May Allah make us among them, inshaAllah.
The Prophet (PBUH) said, “The fighter in Allah's path is the one who strives against his lower self in obedience to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala.” And it was narrated that Imam ‘Ali may Allah be pleased with him said, “The first thing you will object to from your jihad is jihad against your lower selves.” And the famous Sahabi (companion) Abdullah ibn ‘Umar may Allah be pleased with them, when asked about jihad, he replied, “Start with your ego, and wage jihad against it. Start with your ego, and do battle with it.” So, all of these people, from the Prophet (PBUH) and the Sahaba, and all of the righteous predecessors, and all righteous people, have recognized the importance of achieving self-discipline and self-control because this is important. I mean, this whole life is place of trials and tribulations, and it's the arena that we're living in. Every challenge that comes our way is meant to help us achieve self-discipline.
There's a very beautiful quote by Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim who said and I’m quoting, The most compulsory form of jihad (afrad al-jihad) is jihad against the ego (nafs); against unbridled passions (hawa); against the Devil (shaytan); and against being worldly (dunya). Those who wage jihad against these four [the ego, the hawa, devil and dunya], in obedience to Allah, shall be guided by Allah to the paths of His good pleasure which, [in turn], will lead to His Paradise. Those who neglect jihad will be veiled from guidance to the degree they forsake jihad…” So, it's important to realize that spiritual purification and self-discipline are obligatory on each and every one of us, and they're necessary for this world and the Next.
Aadam 21:07
In addition to this, self-discipline is the bridge between dreaming and accomplishing what you want. When people are distracted and lacking focus, you're the one who can pull through. Warren Buffett says, and I quote, “We don't have to be smarter than the rest, we have to be more disciplined than the rest.” Self-discipline allows us to become healthier at the psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social levels, with less stress, more optimism, growth, self-care, determination, and authenticity to our own vision and values. Deep down in our soul, we know we need it, but the voices of our ego and Shaytan try and pull us away from it. And it's important to clarify, many people think self-discipline is about punishment. So, when we think about disciplining children, our minds think about punishment, but this is not correct. Research in self compassion studies found people who self-criticize and self-punish were less motivated to change. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field said, “I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren't more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they'll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong, because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be. And this is just not true.” I can't emphasize this enough.
So, you're not restricting yourself, but rather focusing on what matters to you so you can become the man or woman that you want to be. You're not repressing or beating yourself up, but rather you're becoming more aware of your goals and achieving a healthy level of self-acceptance. You're not inflexible, you keep your promises to yourself, respect yourself, and reduce or eliminate self-sabotaging behaviors. We take care of ourselves and achieve a healthy lifestyle, and we balance periods of energy and productivity as well as relaxation and gratitude. We hold ourselves accountable, and we rectify our affairs. As ‘Umar may Allah be pleased with him said, “Hold yourselves accountable before you are held accountable.”
Waheed 23:26
I think that almost all of us have experienced this: When we sit down to work and we are enthusiastic about ticking the boxes on our checklist, our to-do lists, the things that we had planned for the day, we're in the zone, we're focused, and then later we get distracted with messages from people, or our colleagues distracting us, or we start thinking about things from the past or things in the future, or thinking about friends and family, stuff at home, food that we're going to have later, etc. We have tried to control our thoughts time and time again, but we’ve failed. And this is a very common scenario. We get demotivated. Now, Jordan Peterson - who is amazing, by the way, mashaAllah, he has done a lot of great work - he talks about the conscious versus the unconscious forces, and he says that there are unconscious forces that push and pull us in different directions, and they're all in our minds. There's a war that is going on between the conscious and the unconscious (or let's call it the subconscious in this context). The conscious mind has the intent, it has the purpose, it has the objectives and the missions that you want to accomplish, but that's only one part of your mind.
The other part of your mind includes the subconscious and the many different subpersonalities as we've been talking about throughout the season. Your subconscious mind plays a big role in your behavior and thinking, the autopilot that we’ve been talking about throughout the season. The other parts of our mind all demand attention, and so you lose your focus in the process. Not just that, we are also distracted by external forces. Distraction works in the same way, we crave certain things, or people are distracting us over and over and over again until we can't ignore them any longer. If we don't have self-discipline and self-control, all of these forces are going to take over, and they will pull us in different directions.
You're working and you're craving coffee. You start off by saying, “Okay, yeah, I'm craving coffee, but let me just focus on my studies or work at the moment”, and then you crave it some more and more and more and more, until you get to a point where your craving for coffee overcomes your craving to work or study. So, you get up and you go get that coffee, and that's just a simple example. The same goes for other voices, like, “I need to check my phone”, “I need to check my social media feed”, “I need to talk to this person or that person”, and it just becomes chaotic. I think that we all relate to that. And this is basically what Jordan Peterson talks about the unconscious (or, in reference to our season, the subconscious) forces that pull us in different directions, and how to get your conscious mind to take over so that you can achieve what you need to achieve.
Aadam 26:16
Yeah, I agree, I experience that a lot when I'm working. And there's the distraction of checking my phone in case someone's messaged me, or looking at news articles. It’s quite bad.
Waheed 26:31
Exactly.. It never ends.
Aadam 26:33
I know. The other voices don't just distract you, but they also change your thinking. Your conscious mind knows that you're not supposed to be doing this or that, but you convince yourself that “this work is a waste of time”, “I don't have to do it”, or “I've got plenty of time to do it later” or whatever other excuses. These justifications work, and they motivate your bad decisions, and you become unproductive. And if these justifications happen in your life, you're lacking self-control, the “I won't do such and such.”
The unconscious or subconscious messages are taking over your conscious self. When do we have self-control? When the conscious part is taking over and not the other way around. So, keeping your unconscious/subconscious at bay, which is quite challenging, but it's actually very rewarding when you do overcome it.
Waheed 27:25
So that's the whole idea of self-control, not to indulge in what your subconscious wants you to indulge in, but rather what your conscious wants, as in the rational/thinking part of your brain, the thing that knows what is best for you.
Aadam 27:38
Exactly, yeah. It's important to mention that we can't control the thoughts that pop into our heads, but we can control how we engage with them. And we can immerse ourselves in our thoughts, which is great if we have positive thoughts. And we can distance and challenge our thoughts. And this is where our control comes in.
Waheed 27:57
For sure, absolutely. And this is one of the major aspects of conscious awareness and bringing our awareness back to the present moment where we can realize that we are not our thoughts, but rather these thoughts are coming, I can distance myself from them, and they will go away, which we've talked about a lot throughout the season.
So now, the question is, how do we develop this sense of self control? If we are lacking self-control or making excuses and justifications, maybe the reason might be because we are not invested in or passionate about what we are doing. Self-discipline and motivation, they don't work in every situation. Even if you are a disciplined person, you can only be disciplined about specific things, because as we said, self-discipline requires motivation, it requires passion, it requires energy. If you're bored by the work that you're doing, you won't be motivated to succeed. If you're not personally and emotionally invested in what you are doing, or in what you're studying, etc., you're not going to be able to focus. You might force yourself to focus, but if you're really not into what you're doing, you're not going to achieve the result that you want to achieve probably. You're going to be struggling more and more with discipline, and then your subconscious forces are going to take over the conscious forces. So, one recommendation is, if that is your case, then you might reconsider your path or your choices in this particular field, for example.
Aadam 29:27
Yeah, absolutely. We don't want to be banging our heads off a brick wall, thinking that it's a lack of self-discipline, when actually it's because we're just not interested in that thing, and it's probably healthier for us to choose something else.
But what if you're passionate about what you do, but you still struggle with discipline and self-control, and are not resisting the unconscious forces? In this case, Jordan Peterson says that, at the root of self-discipline is practice. Every habit, good or bad, takes practice. We practice checking social media instead of working, drinking coffee in the morning, ignoring our responsibilities and so on. So, our habits come from practicing behaviors over a long time. So how can we turn them around? Jordan Peterson says that building discipline is like learning to play the piano. If you want to learn, at the beginning, you won't be able to improvise or write your own song, obviously. But you learn the basics - keys, notes, chords, scales, etc. grasp complicated rhythms and patterns, practice them hundreds of times, and only then will you develop the skill to improvise or innovate.
Jordan Peterson’s self-discipline model is built around structure, order and consistency. Our lives are filled with chaos, and without discipline, we're pulled into chaos, slacking off, wasting time, laziness, making poor choices, and losing faith in ourselves. We have to impose a sense of structure in our lives. So, what comes to mind here is, for example, the prayer for us as Muslims, we pray five times a day, at specific times. That’s a ritual – it’s structured and it helps us to build a structure into our day-to-day routines. We create boundaries to block the subconscious forces trying to tear us away, and then we start to practice the good habits over time. So, the conscious part of us takes over. Trying to find that balance and then tip it over in the favor of the conscious is the challenge. The subconscious forces will not disappear, they'll be there with you, but you'll be able to deal with them and be in the driver's seat with order and structure to keep them from taking over and potentially harming or destroying your life.
Waheed 31:44
Absolutely. So, in other words, what Jordan Peterson is talking about is the idea that you need practice, and you need structure and consistency. So, you do it, learn it over and over and over until it becomes habitual. Just like you're learning to play the piano, you do it step by step, starting from scratch until you grasp it, and then you're able to improvise or innovate. So, again, one day at a time, one hour at a time, we build habits slowly. The person practices one hour every day, he's slowly growing over time, building his skill set, building his passion, taking responsibility for his choices, and his life. And that is important. Taking responsibility is very important in this model because we learn to value ourselves, we learn to value our work, we take responsibility for our behaviors, our ups and downs. Then we build self-worth in the process, which drives us towards more discipline, and more control and productivity. So, it all feeds itself, everything is interconnected, as you can see.
Once you get to a point where you have mastered these things, like the piano player who has mastered his craft, he can have the knowledge to make music on his own. And that is the ultimate reward or the goal of any disciplinary system to get you to have the freedom to be proficient in what you're doing. At the beginning, we sit in a lot of chaos, we're unable to push ourselves forward. We're dreading this, it's difficult. But having a system built around discipline helps us to get to a point where we can use the freedom to our own advantage, instead of that freedom taking advantage of us.
We think that we're free to do whatever we want, but rather, the actual freedom is having that sense of self-discipline where you achieve what you want to achieve, despite how you feel, and using that skill to our own advantage. Before you can control the chaos in your life, you have to find order in your life, and that is, again, going back to order and consistency. Something that Jordan Peterson says, “Every freedom you have that is true for you is purchased at the price of discipline.” So, take ownership of the direction of your life and empower your conscious mind to be in the driver's seat and discover your freedom through order, control and structure in your life.
Aadam 34:26
Also, Jay Shetty, some of you may be aware of who he is, he is a famous author, former monk, and a life coach, and in his book called “Think Like a Monk”, he talks about very similar concepts as to what we've just talked about. He brands them as the “monkey mind” versus the “monk mind”. He defines the monkey mind as jumping from one place to another, interested in short-term wins, instant gratification. It's the part of the brain that wants to complain and compare and whine, and it's got all these wants all the time, and it's very critical, and so on. It's like what we talked about in previous episodes, the inner child. The “monk mind”, he says, focuses on the root of the issue, it focuses on long-term gains, it’s wise, disciplined, calm, composed, compassionate, collaborative, etc. So, it's the inner adult, as we've talked about before, the wise adult.
Waheed 35:33
Right. So, really, whatever way you brand it, it's going to be the same. So, whether we are talking about the conscious versus the subconscious, or the inner adult versus the inner child, or the monkey mind versus the monk mind, you guys get the point. One of them is driving you crazy and distracting you, the other is the one that's centered, that adult person who wants to get things done the right way. That's the gist of it.
Aadam 35:57
Exactly. That’s it. So, a good example of the difference between the two: The monkey mind might be saying, “Hit the snooze button, you've had a rough week, just lay in, rest”, versus “Let’s get up and start the day as we ought to because we have things to do.” So, this is an example of a conversation that might be taking place between the monkey mind and the monk mind. Another example is being on a diet and then thinking about fries. Our five senses will kick in, we will almost be able to smell the fries, touch them and taste them. And the senses remind us of the past experiences we've had enjoying fries, and it stimulates us to want to make that reality. This can apply to other foods, or relationships, jobs, pretty much anything in life. Discipline involves resisting those urges of the mind. The guard or the monk mind is the intelligence that stands in between the senses and the mind. Every time you get a stimulus, instead of it going into the mind directly and feeding it, it now goes to the guard who reminds you of your values, your commitments, your progress, and it stands to stop the monkey mind.
Waheed 37:19
Right, so it's more like your rational being that tells you, “Okay, hold on. Let's not feed the monkey mind, but rather, let's think long-term and take a moment..!”
Aadam 37:33
Exactly. And the more that this is done, the more you practice, the better that someone gets at it. It's not something that comes overnight, subhan Allah. It's something that needs to be cultivated. And I guess this takes us into the next part, which is how do you strengthen the monk mind, the rational mind? So Jay Shetty actually goes into this and has what he calls the four R's to be done in the order that we will go through them. You can apply these four R’s to any situation, so if, for example, you want to quit smoking, or you're trying to wake up early, or you're trying to make sure you pray on time every day, or you want a morning routine that works for you, or you want to exercise, you’re quitting porn, or whatever it might be, these four R's can be applied, so it's universally applicable.
The first one is “Reason”. So, you must have a deep profound reason in your life why you're making this change. “I want to quit X because it's lame” versus “I want to be there for myself, my family and God, to be a better human being.” “I want to learn the piano because it's fun” versus “I want to make healing music for me and others.” These reasons, if you notice, there's quite a significant difference between them. One of them is perhaps less profound than the other. The other is more encompassing, has more meaning, purpose and benefit, and it's got a much larger drive behind it. And this is something we should think about when we think about our reasons. They shouldn't be shallow, and we should try to make them something that will benefit us but also other people potentially. Whatever it is that we're doing, it should have a higher purpose. So for example, you don't just build a morning routine because you want to have fun in the morning.
Waheed 39:22
Well, that could be a reason, but just make it more profound!
Aadam 39:26
Yeah, but you could also do it because you want to build a morning routine that helps you develop a strong mindset to carry throughout your day. And why is that important? Because you want to live a life of discipline and you want to achieve, you want to progress in your career or your studies, and in order to do that, one of the things that's going to help is having a good morning routine. And it might just so happen that you have fun along the way. But you know, there's a big difference between those two.
Waheed 39:54
For sure. Have a profound reason, and attach a lot of emotions to it. Because when you have strong emotions attached to that reasoning, then it kind of becomes motivational, like “I'm going to be happy when I achieve this”, “I'm going to be successful”, “I'm going to feel grateful”, “I'm going to feel that I'm accomplishing something.” It just becomes very motivational - going back to motivation, which is the “why”, the desire behind something, it becomes reinforced.
Aadam 40:25
Yeah, exactly. And lastly, reasons can be negative and positive. Negative would be things like revenge, or being better than other people. And these in the long-term will not satisfy us, because they're tied to other people's validation. So rather, it is better to have attach reason to ourselves, people we love and care about, to Allah, to our spirit, and so on.
Waheed 40:50
Absolutely. So that's the first R, which is “Reason” - having a profound reason. The second R is “Research”, and by research it means to basically do your research, to have more grounds, more foundations for you to be more convinced of what you're supposed to do, to give ammunition to your reason. So after you have that reason, do the research. Read books about the matter, listen to lectures or podcasts that talk about the subject, maybe speak to a coach or a mentor or a friend and have deep conversations about this to learn more. The more information that you absorb, the more likely that you will create transformation in that particular area, and that will strengthen your guard every time you want to give into the temptation. Every time you feel like “I'm going to give up” or “I don't have the motivation, I might as well just give up!” in those moments where the monkey mind or the subconscious is taking over, you can remind yourself “Oh, remember what that coach said”, “Remember what my mentor told me”, “Remember what that research study said or what the lecture that I listened to said?” Research gives you a backup. So, immerse yourself in that research to see the maximum impact.
And then the third R is “Repetition”. So repetition means that you consistently make it a priority in your life. Just like Jordan Peterson said, you need consistency, you need repetition and structure. Prioritize it. If you want to change something in your life, start with a small step in that direction and make it a priority. Take one thing and make it consistent. So, I want to exercise in the morning, how do I prioritize that? I would have my equipment or my exercise mat right next to me when I wake up so that it's right there. I wouldn't have any excuse. If you want to get rid of something, for example, you would remove the triggers in your life - like if I want to quit sugar, then just remove it completely from your house and don't buy it from the grocery store. That way, when you crave sugar late at night, you won't have anything in your kitchen to satisfy that urge. So, use your senses - if you want to develop a habit you would use your five senses to get into that habit. Or you would deprive your senses from something that you want to quit. If I want to quit something, then I would deprive myself from seeing it, from feeling it, from smelling it, from tasting and so on. But if I want to develop that habit, then let me indulge my senses into developing that particular habit and prioritizing it. So that's the third R which is “Repetition”. So again: reason, research, repetition.
And the fourth R is “Responsibility”, which means having a group or a community which has that shared goal, to help each other get there. A source of motivation and accountability, because we can't do things on our own. We need motivation and support on the way. So that's responsibility. And he adds an extra R which is “Reward”. Reward yourself for accomplishments to strengthen those neural pathways. When you get to achieve particular milestones, or when you look back and say, “Okay, I've come a long way, alhamdulillah, first of all, I express gratitude and hamd to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and let me reward myself for those accomplishments.” And this gives you a boost and a positive reinforcement.
44:17
Alright, so now let's talk about practical ways to develop self-discipline, having considered everything that we've spoken about so far in this episode, what are some of the practical ways that can help us develop self-discipline?
Aadam 44:27
So, the first one, self-discipline starts by finding your purpose. So, we all have a purpose, a duty that we’re created for. So, for us Muslims, that's clear, we’re here to worship Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. If you understand yourself and your purpose, your goals in life, you'll have a reason to do them. If you don't know what to do, just start somewhere, create a vision for yourself, and life-fulfilling goals. A really good book that delves deeper into these topics is The School of Greatness by Lewis Howes. He also has a good podcast which is also called The School of Greatness, I highly recommend that you check it out. I benefited immensely from some of the practical tips on just how to be more disciplined.
You have to be clear and intentional at different stages of your life. So don't be aimless, stressed and running around in life feeling lost and unworthy. If you're in a period of transitioning, so like going from your studies to the world of work, or you may be going between jobs, or perhaps you're planning to go back to studying or something, do things to learn, to network, do the things you love, find your spark, act based on your vision, have a direction, and revisit this regularly and check in every day, or every week with this.
Number two is to build a practical plan of actions. So little actions that get the job done eventually. Take action and do what you need to do, regardless of your mental, physical or emotional state, whether you feel like it or not. And this is so important. Having many small milestones, working in small pieces and time blocks gives you a sense of control, and it makes your aims and goals more attainable, because these smaller chunks are easier to digest, so you won't be overwhelmed. Overwhelm will make you procrastinate and stagnate. So, there's no self-discipline there. And this is where SMART goals are incredibly useful and important.
Waheed 46:34
Absolutely. And for everything that Aadam has been talking about, finding your purpose and developing a practical plan of actions, people will be like, “Okay, how the heck would we do that? Like, how do we start?” There are lots of resources out there that can help you with this, and we will add particular sections to the episode description, so make sure to check them out. One particularly helpful book that I've personally found to be phenomenal with regards to this and other topics on self-discipline is called Mindful Self-Discipline by Giovanni Dienstmann, and I will add a lot of sections from his book, which are already available online, but I will put them all in the episode description inshaAllah so that you can find them all in one place. And he really does a good job of helping you navigate all of that.
Aadam 47:21
Yeah, and just to share some of the key points from his book, when we first start by finding our purpose and aspirations for goals, it's probably worth separating these out and explaining what they mean. So, aspirations are the deeper reason for why we want to do something, a goal is what we want to achieve, and a strategy is how we're going to get there, so the practical steps. An example of a goal would be “I want to lose weight”, the aspiration behind that would be to feel healthy, to be full of energy, and then the strategy to execute that would be by jogging three times a week and cutting down on carbohydrates, for example. You find that your aspirations fuel your self-discipline as they give you motivation and commitment. And to help clarify our aspirations, we need to visit our core values, and find out our “deeper why”, seek out role models, and develop an aspirational identity. And there's more on this in the episode description.
The next step is to write SMART goals. So, I briefly mentioned this before, but just to elaborate on this very briefly: The SMART acronym stands for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time-framed. So, your goals should be specific, not vague; you should be able to measure your progress against them; they should be realistic, so you should be able to achieve them; they must be relevant; and they have to have a timeframe, so giving yourself a very specific time window within which to achieve them. This is used pretty much everywhere, if you work for businesses, companies, if you run your own, this sort of thinking is commonplace. The next step would be to prioritize your aspirations, and this is so important, because I think, sometimes, especially someone like myself, I have lots of different aspirations, but it's not possible to do everything at once. A good way of doing this is by dedicating time, money and energy to focus on them, and developing a proper awareness and mindset to help you achieve your goals. So, prioritization is very, very important. Otherwise, you will never get anything done. And then lastly, review your purpose and aspirations every so often. An example might be to review them quarterly, to review your SMART goals and your commitments every month, perhaps, and working on your awareness and mindset every single day. So, all of these feed into each other and then help us make sure that perhaps things have changed for us, so maybe our goals have to change, maybe we’ve aspired for something else, something in our life may have changed, which means we can’t commit in the same way that we want to. It's very much about making sure that it works for us, and that we're not trying to emulate someone else's lifestyle. And that is so important, because I have tried that, and it does not work.
Waheed 50:19
Amen! Absolutely. So, everything that Aadam has been discussing, all of these come from the book, Mindful Self-Discipline, and we will add a lot of references from those chapters to help you inshaAllah know how to develop your purpose, your aspirations, your strategies, develop those SMART goals and to connect with your values and have that all figured out in once place, inshaAllah. So that's as far as finding your purpose and building a practical plan of actions, which are very important for self-discipline.
Number three, which is another practical way of developing self-discipline, which is necessary as we’ve mentioned, is taking action every day. Deciding every day that you want to keep on going. Success is never owned, it is rented, and the rent is due every day, as they say. You must show up every day as much as you can to the best of your abilities, you have to keep on going. You pay that “rent” in small, seemingly insignificant and trivial choices that you make on a daily basis. Your success, your long-term success is the trajectory of these choices over time. It's an accumulation of all the choices that you make on a daily basis. That's why it's important to have those baby steps that take place over days, which turn into weeks and months, and you build habits that take you in the direction of success, inshaAllah. Even if you have written down your goals and you were amazing when it came to the planning and writing out your purpose and your aspirations and developing strategies, around 95% of us fail to reach our goals. Why? Because we fail to be consistent. Even after doing the theoretical part, we need to show up. We need to do the work on a daily basis, we need to put in the work, even if we don't feel like showing up or going to work or having difficult conversations with people, or whatever it is. Our emotions come up, and a lot of us make our decisions based on our emotions, which sets us up for failure. What we need to be doing instead is to force ourselves, to push ourselves despite how we feel, which, again, is the gist of self-discipline. “Regardless of how I feel, I'm going to show up and do this thing.” So, instead of asking yourself, “Should I do this?” which is coming from my emotions, the question would be “How will I do this?” And there's a world of difference between both questions. “Should I do this?” is instilling doubt in you, and you're going to start to give up, versus “How will I do this?” means that there's a challenge. I realize it's challenging, but how am I going to accomplish my goal despite this challenge? It changes your entire mindset.
The first question questions your commitment, but the second question finds solutions to help you reach your goal. Again, “Should I do this?” Replace that and replace any question that you ask yourself, where you doubt yourself, with a question of, “How will I do this?” “How can I achieve this?” “Let me try.” And it's very important to understand that we will not wait for the right mood to kick in. “I'm going to wait until I feel like doing something to do it”, that sets you up for failure. It's not going to work, and we can all attest to that. Been there, done that, right?
A very simple rule to follow is called the “three-second rule”. I'm sure many of you have heard of that. Basically, what it says is, in order to get yourself to do something that you really don't want to do, just follow the three-second rule - which means, if I'm going to wake up in the morning and I really don't feel like getting out of bed, I'm going to give myself 3 seconds to get out of bed. Another example is, I really don't want to study right now. I really don't feel like studying but I know I should be studying and there's no reason for me not to study. I'm going to give myself 3 seconds and I'm going to open that book. Or I want to clean this room and I don't feel like doing it. I'm going to give myself 3 seconds and then I'm going to get the vacuum cleaner. The 3-second rule actually works for me, alhamdulilah, I've tried it several times and I can say that it makes a difference. So, you might as well try it and see if it works for you. I hope it does, inshaAllah! Give yourself three seconds of acknowledging that “Oh my God, it sucks! But I'm going to do it, inshaAllah.”
Just know that, whatever you're doing, the simple act of showing up consistently does wonders for your mental endurance. We have to put in the hours into the work before we reap any of the benefits. And we know that because that's life, nothing in life comes easy. That's just a fact of life. Again, self-discipline is all about consistency, doing the thing again and again, until you do it on autopilot, it just becomes ingrained in your subconscious, it becomes part of your habits. And again, if we fail once, or if we fail a couple of times, it doesn't define our character. A lot of us, when we fail, we just give up immediately, because we might as well not try anymore. No! Rather, think that I need to keep on going despite whatever happens. This will mold me into that disciplined and strong person that I've always wanted to be. A bad day or a bad week, even a bad month does not define you. And if you had a bad day, it doesn't have to become a bad week. If you've had a bad week, it doesn't have to become a bad month. A bad month doesn't have to become a bad year, and so on. Just pick yourself up and move forward. The moment you wake up for a fresh new day, that day is a new life for you. Move forward and focus on what is in front of you. Allah has given you the gift of life. You are surviving, you are breathing, you're living for a brand new day. Do your best in that day, seek His help, we can't do anything without Him subhanahu wa ta’ala. Seek His help and guidance, and, inshaAllah, He will help you with that.
So, with regards to taking action every day, how do we get ourselves to do the things that we should be doing even though we don't feel like doing them? The three-second rule would be a very simple way to help you with that. Another powerful method, again, from Dienstmann’s book, Mindful Self-Discipline, is called the “PAW method”. PAW is an acronym for: pause, awareness and willpower. It helps to reorient yourself and to live in harmony with your goals and values to establish self-discipline whenever you find yourself in a willpower conflict between your short-term desires and your long-term goals. That moment where you're like, “Hmm... Should I give up, or just do the thing that I know is difficult to do but I need to be doing it?” So, what is PAW? Pause, awareness, willpower. So, pause just for a few seconds, be grounded in the present moment, slow down for a little bit and breathe deeply. Again, conscious awareness, the stuff that we've been talking about earlier in this season.
And then “awareness” means being aware of your options. What are the different options that you have in that moment and what are the choices that you're going to make? You can easily give your choices a +1 or a -1. You give them a +1 if they're going to take you towards your goals, and you give them a -1 if they're going to take you away from your goals. For example, you're waking up in the morning, and you're really tired. Hitting the snooze button in the morning is a -1, because you have got work to do or studies. If you want to shift your diet to a healthy diet, then if you're at that moment where you have an urge to go and buy donuts, that would be a -1. But for example, you woke up and you took a cold shower, let's say because you want to develop that in your morning routine, that's a +1 for you. Or, instead of eating fast food, you ate a salad, or you're going to eat a salad instead of having fast food, that's a +1 for you. You can, in that moment, weigh your options and just give a +1 for the options that are good for you and a -1 for the options that you know are going to be taking you away from your goals. Also, “awareness” means being aware of your drives. What are the stories that you tell yourself? What are the emotions that you're feeling right now? What are the urges that you're experiencing? What do you hope to achieve from that thing? Why are you experiencing all of these things? Pausing and being aware of all these things, as opposed to just indulging and caving in immediately, really does make a big difference.
And then the last part which is W: willpower is where you zoom out and you refocus on the bigger picture by being in touch with your goals and your aspirations. You see the bigger picture instead of those immediate cravings. Instead of focusing on the short-term benefits, you look at the long-term goals, and the long-term costs of focusing on the short-term benefits. That's why it always helps by having your goals, aspirations and everything that you've been planning written down, because you can easily open them and refresh your memory and reorient your compass, as they say. One beautiful strategy while you're doing this is to consider your future self talking to you. Imagine your future self in a couple of hours or a couple of days and just be kind to that person. If you imagine the negative consequences of indulging and you think about the defects that are associated with that, it puts things in perspective. You create a feeling of attraction to what you need to do by thinking about the qualities and the positive consequences that are associated with the things that you need to do. You attach positive sensations to it. For example, going out for a run. I don't feel like doing it. Okay, well, let me attach some good things, some good qualities, some positive affirmations and positive thoughts to it. So that can also help us.
And then finally, with willpower, embrace the discomfort. This is a very important strategy, and we'll be talking about this again. A useful way to embrace discomfort is something called the “ROAR method”, which means to R=recognize the emotions, the urges, or the discomfort that we're feeling; O=observe it in the body as sensations, where those sensations are, what they feel like; A=accepting them as they are, I'm not going to reject them, I'm not going to react to them, I'm just going to accept them as they are; and then R=release the sensations with every breath. And for those of you who have been meditating or practicing conscious awareness, this is by default the things that we do. We recognize what we're feeling, we observe it in the body, we accept it as it is (we don't judge it and we don't reject it), then we release those sensations with every breath.
So, that's the PAW method, the gist of it. Pause, awareness, and willpower, which helps us reconcile that sense of conflict that we have between the short-term desires and the long-term goals, when we really want to cave in, or when we feel that we're weak in that moment.
Aadam 1:01:44
The next practical tip that you could implement in your life is something called the “paradox principle of sacrifice”. This means becoming disciplined in the pursuit of less. So, to explain this, consider that typically easy, short-term choices lead to difficult, long-term consequences; and difficult, short-term choices lead to easy, long-term consequences. For example, eating whatever we want, saying whatever we want, and buying things that we can't afford on credit, they are easy, they don't require much effort, necessarily, but they are the vehicles for a more difficult life. And, on the flip side, the things that seem like sacrifices, like saving money when you really want to spend it, or investing money instead of spending it, or working out, etc., the things that seem difficult or seem like sacrifices are the vehicles to an easier life. And I cannot emphasize this enough. We live in a culture that is constantly chasing things, quick fixes and instant gratification. This is something that people I think struggle with a lot. So, if you as a person can embody this, and you can become disciplined to make the right choices, the more difficult ones, but with the long-term gains, you have a huge advantage over lots of people. This is also something that the famous Roman emperor and stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius addressed in his Meditations when he talked about “delayed gratification”, the ability to wait to get what you want, in other words, patience, not giving into temptation, so food, sex, etc., when we really crave it, and then receiving the gratification of being stronger and more in control of our emotions and whims. Delayed gratification is central to self-discipline. We put off what we want now, so we can perhaps get something better later on. The future self will thank the present self. Making an offering - the bigger it is, the bigger the reward you will reap. I attest to this, subhan Allah. The esteem it builds, I think, is so beautiful, alhamdulilah. It’s just such a good thing. You then start to take on the identity of being someone who's disciplined and so on, the stuff we’ve talked about in this episode. So, I really can attest to this.
To quote Marcus Aurelius from his book, Meditations, he says, “So you were born to feel ‘nice’, instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don't you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you're not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren't you running to do what our nature demands?”
Waheed 1:04:47
Beautiful. Other than making a sacrifice at the moment, don't run away from the pain. And this is very important. There's a beautiful book called Take the Stairs by famous author Rory Vaden, and the idea is to take the stairs, to do something that is kind of difficult when you have another option that is easier. We go through life trying to dodge pain, when pain is actually inevitable. We know that dunya is a place of trials and tribulations. It's a place of pain and sadness, and ups and downs, and this is the nature of the world. But we, as humans, run away from pain, because it is painful, by definition.
There's a beautiful example that Rory gives when he talks about buffaloes versus cows during storms. They observed their behaviors when storms hit. So, storms come from the west, and they've noticed that the behaviors of cows versus buffaloes in the wilderness is opposing: The cows would run towards the east, away from the storm that is coming from the west, but the storm is going to catch up to them. While the buffaloes wait until the storm approaches, and what the buffaloes do is that, once the storm approaches, they storm towards it - they feel the pain at the beginning, but they overcome the whole ordeal. It's just a momentary pain, they know that they must feel it, but it's going to be over, while the cows, they run away but the storm is going to catch them anyway. So they will feel the pain of running away and the pain of facing the storm, which they’re going to have to do anyway. So this is a metaphor: We're all going to feel the pain, it depends on you whether you're going to postpone it and feel it later, or feel bad right now and get over it and move on with your life. That's the gist of it. The choice is basically whether we have to pay the price of pain now, or we're going to pay later “with interest” as they say. So, if we run away from pain, it's futile. And for anyone who has been listening to this podcast from day one, it makes sense. We're all trying to run away from pain, but it's counterproductive. It doesn't help us. It ends up being a defeating vicious cycle. When you endure the difficulty of the moment right now, when you do the things you don't feel like doing, it's like you're making a down payment for future blessings versus escaping the hard work at the moment and then having to pay interest, for example. This is such a capitalistic example that they give, but you guys understand the whole idea behind it!
The idea is to do the hardest things as soon as possible to avoid them compounding with time. Remember the definition of self-discipline, which is leaning into discomfort - the very first thing that we spoke about this episode - self-discipline is to lean into the discomfort and to take action despite how you feel. The famous Greek dramatist Euripides said, “Do not consider painful what is good for you.” Again, if you're caught up in that moment where you feel like “Oh my God, do I have to give in? What do I do? Should I run away from this moment?” Use the ROAR method. Recognize the emotion, observe it in your body as a sensation, accept it as is without judging it, and then release the sensation with every breath. Having conscious awareness in the present moment, grounding exercises, they really make a big difference, and reorienting yourself with your long-term goals also helps.
Aadam 1:08:28
The quote from Euripides, it reminded me of a verse from the Qur’an where Allah says, “But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows while you know not” [2:216]. Subhan Allah. Allah is clearly the All-Knowing and All-Wise, so He knows what's best. And these principles allow us to react in the best way when something we think is bad is happening but persevere and come out the other side, and, inshaAllah, we can see the benefit when we look back.
Another thing that we can do to help develop self-discipline is practicing voluntary discomfort or hardship. This is something that I've recently been trying to implement in my life. Another stoic philosopher, called Epictetus, called this “voluntary discomfort” while Marcus Aurelius called it “voluntary hardship”. It's pretty much the same thing, just different words. But this means constantly testing ourselves and routinely making our lives challenging in some ways. We harden ourselves for the day that we have to actually live through that particular hardship. For example, skipping a meal, having a cold shower (which I highly recommend, it has changed my life!), not smoking if you're a smoker, sleeping on the floor instead of on your bed, leaving your jacket at home when it's cold outside, or perhaps donating half of your clothes to charity, or going without social media or your phone for a short time. These are just some examples, that we begin to understand what scarcity and hardship feel like, and that we can live with both if needed.
Of course, we don't go overboard, and we don't do things that are silly, but we can schedule a form of sacrifice into our routines until it stops becoming a sacrifice. This helps build our willpower, our resilience, and also provides evidence that we can survive things that are difficult. The cold shower thing for me, it's been about feeling the pain in the moment, but then at the other side of it, feeling amazing and realizing that even though it feels somewhat uncomfortable, painful, whatever you want to call it, I can survive it and that I'm so much better at the other side. It develops self-belief and an identity of someone who can stay and withstand. I just highly encourage anything that helps to achieve that. For example, fasting, we do this within our Deen, and so things like that that help you build evidence of your own resilience.
Waheed 1:11:12
For sure. It's basically about embracing the pain in the moment, but you know that it's going to be rewarding afterwards. The examples that you gave, these are just some examples that we can incorporate. And the idea behind them is not to make your life miserable, but to test your limits and see that you can experience that, and it helps you build the willpower and the resilience and the discipline, and it pays off in the long run. Subhan Allah. 100%.
Aadam 1:11:38
Yeah, and it's also very useful and helpful to find wise people to emulate, role models that perhaps we aspire to. These can be friends, family, colleagues who have achieved the goals that you want to achieve. People who have mastered self-discipline in a specific area, observing these people and learning from them, taking from them the things that can help you along your own journey. It’s incredibly helpful and valuable to take the time to ask these people, whoever they might be in your life, how they discipline themselves, how they follow through with actions, how they got to their desired outcomes, perhaps even hearing about their hardships and trials, and what they did to overcome those. And then using their lived experience to help you discipline yourself and get along your own journey. This is invaluable. This is something that I've benefited from immensely, and it doesn't necessarily have to be people that you know in life, it could be people whom you listened to on a podcast or read about in a book even. You can gather their wisdom and their insights in that way as well.
Waheed 1:12:55
Absolutely. So people who have experiences in particular subjects or areas of life. Definitely. For sure. And then another important theme with self-discipline is focus. There's always going to be circumstances around us that are going to be distracting us and taking away our focus. It's important to do a daily recalibration and decide what we are willing to go after, and what our goals are, and what we're not willing to do. Everything else, everything that is not in line with our values and goals and what we are willing to do is a distraction, right? Our time is a resource, our attention is a resource, those are important, and they will disintegrate if we don't have focus. So it's very important to set boundaries with people and to limit distractions. And, as you guys remember, we've had two episodes with Amina this season where we talked about setting boundaries from A to Z.
It's very important to make time for particular distractions in our day, like the idea is not to 100% eliminate distractions from your entire day, but like devote a particular time in your day, say like I will devote from this time to this time to be distracted for a while - check my messages, chat, do whatever, just let it out of my system. And then the remainder of the day is going to be focused on what I need to get done. Be firm with yourself otherwise, and it really does make a big difference. And especially at the beginning of our paths of self-discipline and healing and recovery, it's very important to kind of focus on one thing or a few things and not focus on so many things and invest in so many places, because it becomes very distracting. Just focus on one place, shine in that area, and then you can spread in other areas, like into work or whatever else that you are thinking about.
With focus, we've been saying this time and time again this season, to kind of bring yourself back to the present moment, practicing breathing exercises, meditation, conscious awareness helps you re-center yourself and brings your awareness back to the present moment, so you can actually focus on what's happening rather than getting distracted right and left. And there's a very beautiful stoic principle which is called the “dichotomy of control”, and it basically says that some things are within our control, and some other things are not within our control. So, being distressed and bothered by small things instantly is very terrible for self-discipline, right? For example, if you're driving and you're just constantly irritated by the drivers on the right and left and people crossing you, etc., or at work with your colleagues, all of that really is detrimental to your self-discipline. Thinking about the external things, the things that we can't control, derails us, and Epictetus who put forward this concept of dichotomy of control, he says to kind of reinforce to yourself what is within your control and what is out of it. If you are in a situation and you say, “Okay, these things are within my control, and these things are out of my control”, you accept what is outside your control, and you're not judging it, you're not feeling anxious or irritated, because you can't control it, then that gives you a sense of tranquility. The whole idea is not to worry, because if you ask yourself, “Do you have a problem in your life?” If no, then there's no reason to worry; if yes, then you can ask yourself, “Can I do something about it?” If yes, then you can do something, you don't have to worry. If no, you can't do something about it, then you also don't have to worry, because it's not within your control. As simple as that, you know, and that kind of really puts things in perspective.
Aadam 1:16:40
Yeah, absolutely. I can't agree more. I used to have very bad road rage, but I have calmed down! Alhamdulillah. Yeah, it's just that there's no point getting angry over stuff like this. Another component of healthy self-discipline is time management, building healthy habits and having productive routines. And this is something that we'll talk about in more detail in the next episode. But we’ll just raise a couple of points here. It's very important to structure your day to have a morning routine and to manage your time wisely. And morning routines, as I touched on before, but any routine really should work for you. So, you know, we should do what is in our own best interests based on where we are in our lives, and we should take care of our physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social aspects. So physical might be making sure we're sleeping enough, eating good foods, and we’re moving/physical exercise. When we're physically shot or exhausted, things just will not work. And in the next episode, we will talk about time management and procrastination inshaAllah.
And another aspect of self-discipline that is important to mention is integrity. So, when your spoken words are congruent with your actions, and this is so important, nobody likes anybody who does not have integrity, it's very difficult to be in a relationship with someone like that. You know, “If you think it, you speak it, you act it, it happens”, this essentially integrity. And when you have integrity in your process, it will come true. Words are the first manifestation of our ideas into reality. And our track record of integrity shapes the way that the external world responds to us and everything that we do. When there's a breakdown of integrity, people don't trust us anymore. And this is so important. Subhan Allah, I can't emphasize this enough, especially within the Muslim community, unfortunately, it's very commonplace to discover a lack of integrity in people. And this (integrity) is a huge part of our Deen. The Prophet (PBUH) was known as the trustworthy one, the one who always spoke the truth. Unfortunately, so many of us just don't have this anymore, we don't value integrity. The constant pursuit of integrity, training ourselves to do that, we need to do it with baby steps. So, we should watch the way that we talk to ourselves as well; if you think something and you speak it to yourself, then you act on it and make it happen. Negative things would happen because we create them, and they will reinforce our beliefs about who we are. So what you believe isn't necessarily what's true, but rather what we hear most often from ourselves and others. And that's something that we have to rewire. So then there's integrity towards ourselves.
Waheed 1:19:38
Exactly, and integrity towards other people, when our thoughts and words and actions, they're all in line. And this is definitely important. This is something that we all have to learn on our journey of recovery and healing. And it is quite tricky. And again, as you said, Aadam, it takes consistency and baby steps to actually achieve integrity, and it is definitely part of self-discipline. If we don't have integrity, then it's a huge problem. And we should be working on that, inshaAllah.
Aadam 1:20:07
Yeah, absolutely. And just one last thing, baby steps are so important, I think throughout this entire episode, it’s so important - I know for some of us, we’re talking about ideals. And sometimes if we're really far from it, it feels impossible. But then a really useful way of looking at it is “What is one small thing I can do towards achieving that thing?” And subhan Allah, that is really just starting from basics, small baby steps.
Waheed 1:20:37
Absolutely. InshaAllah. 100%. And then another part of self-discipline, which is something that I'm sure that a lot of us will relate to is, please do not complain, and please do not play the victim. This is something that, Subhan Allah, I'm sure that a lot of us deal with. The whole idea is, “This is me, this is how I was born, I never learned to do anything different. My parents set a terrible example. My childhood was tough, I was bullied, my work colleagues hate me, everyone else does it. Why am I the one getting the crap from everyone?” Excuses, excuses, justifications, complaining all the time, all the time, instead of striving to become better, right? We need to claim responsibility and do what we have to do. Enough with the “Why me?” “Why are bad things happening to me?” “Why this, why that?” This is the enemy to mental toughness, as they say.
Again, determine what is within your control, and take things into your own hands, and whatever is outside your control, you're not responsible for it, right? Framing things this way, instead of resorting to self-pity makes a big difference. And we talked about self-pity, complaining and the whole idea of being that person who just complains all the time and says “Why me?” Dr. Gerard van den Aardweg says that there's a way to counter that which is through hyper-dramatization, which we've discussed back in episode 42. But, anyway, the whole idea is to get out of that victim mentality, because it doesn't really serve you or serve people around you. It's just an entire rut that feeds itself. Be the one who takes action instead of looking the other way and casting blame on other people. And that's a very important thing, because it's very easy to blame circumstances and blame people, instead of taking action, taking responsibility for our lives, right? Being the victim and being victimized, this identity of being a victim, this victimhood. This kind of absolves us of any personal responsibility, reduces us and makes us look like kids, because kids, generally, when they don't get what they want, or when things don't go the way that they want them to, they start complaining and crying. Again, baby steps, it takes work to get out of that mentality, but we can achieve that, and realize that this mentality hurts you and hurts people around you, even if you don't realize that. And, again, please watch out for any excuses that you make and any avoidant behavior that you display, which may fall under this “victim mentality”. So this is definitely important on our journey to achieving self-discipline.
And another important thing to say is to ignore the naysayers, they will always be there, right? Whenever you step out of your comfort zone, whenever you step out of the norm, you are going to attract naysayers, meaning people who are not going to like what you're doing or saying, right? If we observe the prophets (peace be upon them) and all the righteous predecessors, all the wonderful people who did and are doing wonderful things in the world, there's always going to be people who criticize, who object to what they're doing, who oppose them, there's always going to be people who complain and so on, right? Even people who might love you but their opinions are terrible for your self-discipline if you really given to them. There's always going to be people like that in your life. And actually, there are lots of people who said, if you don't have naysayers in your life, then probably you're doing something wrong. Because you have to have them, if I’m doing something right, there's going to be someone objecting to that. As they say, in stoicism, “Getting upset by opinions of people you don't know or don't respect is as foolish as getting upset about the weather.” Because it's not something you control, and it's going to be there, regardless whether you like it or not. It's just a waste of energy. Don't hand your peace of mind to outsiders, rather actively seek honest feedback from the people that you respect, and make sure that you're on the right path, and everything else is noise, right? And if people have a history of being negative and naysayers in general, then just ignore them. And as Marcus Aurelius says, “When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are, you will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you.” I find that very interesting. Those are basically the naysayers or the people who doubt and criticize who are coming from the outside.
But what about if we experience doubt that is coming from inside of us, right? The self-doubt, self-criticism, it could be doubts about ourselves, you know, our capacities and self-worth, it could be doubts about the path that we're taking, being skeptical about maybe the strategies that we're employing, maybe we're constantly changing our strategies, or changing our goals, being doubtful about our goals, maybe we lost interest, we're not making progress anymore, and so on and so forth. We might be too analytical, maybe we failed a lot, we have had bad company, maybe lacking in perspective, maybe it has to do with childhood conditioning, as we've been talking about throughout this season in particular. Doubt can come from all sorts of places. So how do we deal with doubt as far as our life choices, our goals and paths that we're taking are concerned? There are a lot of techniques and a lot of life coaches recommend different techniques, I'm going to just share three techniques with you from book Mindful Self-Discipline.
The first one is called “not now” technique, and that basically says, you're going to commit some time where you will not allow any doubts to come in. Just focus on the task that you're doing, and tell yourself, “This period of time is doubt-free. I'm going to go ahead with the task that I'm doing with full conviction and trust, no doubts or fears or distractions are allowed, full stop.” And you actually say to yourself, even loudly, you say to yourself, “Not now!” whether in your mind, or you verbalize this to yourself, and you say “not now”, and you be as confident and as calm as possible, and you say this as many times as necessary. “Not now.” And you focus on what you're doing. So this is the “not now” technique, which is self-explanatory.
The other one is to remove options. When you have so many options, you get really distracted, and you get confused. Remove options so that you're only faced with the thing that you should be doing, and you become fully focused and committed on what you're doing, so that you don't really have doubts when you have too many options and just get confused.
And the third one is to get perspective, you know, zoom out, see things more clearly, remind yourself that if you're having current challenges that they will pass, inshaAllah, things are temporary, and nothing is permanent, except for Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, obviously. Drop comparisons to other people, because they don't serve you, and we've talked about this a lot throughout the podcast. Get counseling, or consult with your support group, and get perspective from a coach or mentor to kind of help you get perspective on these things.
So, whenever you have doubt: “Not now”, remove options and focus on one thing and get perspective, these are all very helpful, inshaAllah, and we hope that they will be helpful to you as well.
Aadam 1:27:58
Yeah, and following on from this point, the next thing that is very important for self-discipline is eliminating toxicity from our lives. So this involves removing toxic people and negative people, even if they are validating to you, which seems a bit strange, but that is possible. And, you know, avoiding bad places or environments that are not conducive to what you're trying to do in your life. And this is something that I've been doing quite a lot of over time, and I believe in this wholeheartedly, that people around you will either be pulling you up or pulling you down. And, you know, we don't want to be pulled down. So yeah, subhan Allah. And, again, you’re probably aware that even within our Deen, it’s emphasized that we should be fairly mindful of the company we keep. Jealousy/comparison to others is a thief of joy. So we should only ever compare ourselves to ourselves from yesterday, and have a mindset of abundance. And this is something that has transformed the way I think about myself, and I know other people have also benefited from this shift of mindset, removing that comparison to others, and just comparing ourselves to ourselves from where we were the day before.
Also, not overthinking our failures or wallowing, this will keep you stuck. We should be dissecting our successes and being grateful – being grateful is a huge antidote to so many of these negative, toxic things. And removing temptations and distractions, all of these things that drain us and shake our self-discipline, motivation and focus, we should eliminate as many of them, if not all of them, where possible, in our lives.
The next aspect of self-discipline that we'll talk about is the harvest principle, and the author Rory Vaden, whom we've mentioned before, he actually talks about this. And I've witnessed this as well with others, I didn't know that it was, I didn't know how to label or name it. But he talks about how great results are not achieved through balance, but through short seasons of intense imbalance. The best example - hence the name harvest principle of schedule - is farmers who work 18 hours during the harvest season. There's a huge imbalance there, they'll be sacrificing other aspects of their life and working those hours for that particular season, and then they compensate that later on. So, if you think about this, in the context of, for example, losing weight, you can't lose, for example, 45 pounds with working out five minutes a day, but rather going through maybe an intense period, at the beginning, of focus, working out and cutting down on certain foods, etc., until you get to a place where there's a maintenance work that's not as intense. So, you just maintain the level that you achieve, once you've had that initial burst of focus and energy, and you've arrived at the place that you want to be. Expend a minimum amount of energy to maintain everything else in your life, but dedicate 100% of the excess energy in one direction, to create a breakthrough, or an explosion. And this is very common, you know, amongst people who are striving to achieve high ambitions and goals, like athletes, and I'm thinking of maybe even, you know, some celebrities, depending on the thing they're involved in, like actors, for example, you hear the stories of what they did in order to achieve what they have. And even if you think about this, from a spiritual perspective, like Hajj and Ramadan are intense short bursts of this very thing where we double down and focus all of our efforts, or as much of our efforts and energy in those things. But it ends, it doesn't last forever. And then, obviously, we reap the benefits of it afterwards. So it's a really good example of this harvest principle of schedule.
Waheed 1:32:14
Absolutely, beautifully said. And another aspect of self-discipline is having a spiritual connection and having a perspective of faith. Even if we fail, even if we are challenged, even if things are difficult right now, with whatever we're experiencing, this is all for the greater good, because we realize that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala is giving us things that we can manage. And He has promised us that He will not give us things that we cannot handle, right? When we experience pain, we believe that the pain that we're going through is preparing us to become the people that we need to be, for us and for other people, because we're all interconnected. So, it's very important to add a spiritual perspective to the hardships that we go through, even the failures, because everything that we go through, the ups and the downs, we all learn from them, and they're all there for a reason. You know, everything is in the hands of Allah subhanahu w ta’ala. We do not have the gift of foresight, we cannot tell the future, we cannot really foretell how things are going to end up, but we have the gift of choice, as they say, and Allah has given us that gift. What He has asked us to do is to do our best and have tawakkul, which means that we do our best given our capacities, and we give everything up to Him, realizing that it's all from Him, it's all according to His plan, we are asked to do the best we can, given what we can control.
As we said, you know, whether it's about distractions or negativity, you're gonna hear this over and over - social media exposure really does come with a lot of detriment. So, try and limit that in your life as much as possible. Whether it's full of negativity or distractions, even negative views from people, the naysayers or the critics, there's no point in listening to them, just limit all of that in your life. It really kind of grounds you when you remove all of these from your life and reorient yourself with Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and not think about the negativities or the failures that you're going through. When we have been through periods of failure or challenges, it's kind of important to preserve your energy and focus on the positivity as much as you can. And also there's a very good book that's called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff and It's All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life book by Richard Carlson, which is, self-explanatory. Don't sweat the small stuff, the small stuff that happen in your life. Don't overthink them, they're going to pass, everything is temporary, inshaAllah, and just keep moving forward.
Just see the moments of pain, or the moments where you don't get what you want or things don't go as planned, these are all challenges, and they're all lessons that we learn from. Support yourself and support others who are going through this with you, and Allah will take care of things. And, again, if you are going through pain, or you're resorting to particular behaviors that are unwanted, and all of that, it's very important to kind of get to the root of what's causing you that pain, because it's necessary on the road of self-discipline, everything we've been talking about throughout season four of this podcast has to do with the deep work, the healing work, and all of that. So, it's necessary, as part of our self-discipline, because if we don't take care of these matters, then it's going to affect our attempts to redirect our lives and achieve that self-discipline. Hence, the reason why we postponed the topics of self-discipline and self-esteem towards the end of this season, because those other topics are very important to cover, to give you a bigger picture, so that things will kind of make sense, inshaAllah.
Aadam 1:36:04
Yeah, I completely agree. And, you know, as part of self-discipline, we need to have some process for reviewing and holding ourselves to account. Whether that's daily - ideally, it would be daily to review our days and see how we've spent them, and to hold ourselves to account to the standards that we've set. So, you know, having a look at ourselves, and finding where perhaps our weak spots might be, and being completely honest with ourselves and using that time, the time of reflection, to connect with ourselves to perhaps consider why we didn't do something, or how something could have been better. Having retrospections on a daily basis will allow us to become more self-aware each day, and to constantly be seeking to find answers to questions like, “What did I do well today?” and you can congratulate yourself on the things that you have done well, and “Where were my self-discipline and self-control tested?” “Where did I do good?” “What did I do bad?” “Why did this occur?” “How can I improve?”
And all of this should be done from a place of loving awareness, as I have often heard it referred to, which I like. So not from a place of shame or guilt, or for the sake of beating yourself up, but from a place of just having a very honest, factual look at what's happened in your day, without attaching judgments necessarily to the things that have happened, which is easier said than done, particularly if you have a history and habit, you've habituated shame and being someone who beats themselves up. Forgive yourself if you have done something that's making you feel that way, and just learn from it. Don't turn into the inner critic or the shaming voice and bash yourself. Guilt itself can be quite healthy, because it says that we've perhaps done something wrong, while shame, on the other hand, says that we are wrong. So just be wary of those and use guilt in the best way, but don’t let it transform and don’t fall into shame and drown in that. May Allah protect us all, because it's an awful place to be.
Practice self-compassion, treat yourself in the most loving way, and if you don't know what that means, then think about somebody that you love and think about how you would treat them. You know, what would you do? What would you say? How would you say it? What advice would you offer? That's a really good way of thinking about how you should be with yourself. Be grateful, have gratitude, celebrate your wins, thank Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala. These are all just the most wonderful things that can transform your life. Reconnect with your accountability partners and support system who, if they're aware of what you're trying to achieve, they'll be able to celebrate with you, and also help you hold yourself to account. Another quote from Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations, he says, “These are the characteristics of the rational soul: Self-awareness, self-examination, and self-determination. It reaps its own harvest. It succeeds in its own practice.”
And the final aspect of self-discipline that we want to talk about today is being of service to others. And the famous boxer Muhammad Ali, may Allah have mercy upon him, is very famously known for saying this: “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth”, which is such a beautiful idea. Motivation and commitment feed into self-discipline, and learning and teaching others, helping others who need help channels our energy in good ways. And I have to admit, this is something that I've not been the best at, but I'm trying to actually...
Waheed 1:40:02
I know! I’m like “God, this guy..!” It’s all about "me me me me me"!
Aadam 1:40:13
I'm trying… I'm working on it, so mentoring is actually something I'm considering at the moment, professionally. It does give us meaning, joy and fulfillment, subhan Allah. The little that I have done of it, it's really nice to give back. Sometimes, I think, we hold ourselves back from giving to others, not from a place of being selfish, but just because we think we don't know enough, or maybe what we have to share is not good enough. Again, this is just the scarcity mindset and shame talking, we all have something to give back to someone. May Allah guide us to be able to be that service to others in the way that's best for us to be.
Waheed 1:40:55
Ameen. So, the more the accountability that you have around all of these principles that we’ve spoken about in this episode in your life, the more you will succeed, inshaAllah. So just make sure that you have that support system with you to help you keep things in check, inshaAllah, and to help you with them if you need to. And you do the same in return to others who need help as well, whenever you can, inshaAllah, according to your own capacity. And surround yourself with people who “take the stairs” as Rory Vaden refers to them - if you have an escalator and you have stairs, and you want to challenge yourself, take the stairs, because that is kind of pushing your own boundaries and developing further self-discipline in the process, and cultivating that willpower that you have.
1:41:43
And with this, we have come to the end of today's episode. We hope that you guys enjoyed it and learned from it, inshaAllah. Aadam and I look forward to talking to you in the next episode, in part two of this series, when we talk about building habits and learning about some aspects of time management and overcoming procrastination, inshaAllah. Until then, stay safe and healthy, and we'll talk to you soon, inshaAllah. This has been Aadam and Waheed Jensen in “A Way Beyond the Rainbow”, assalamu alaikom wa rahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh.