Voices from the Season | S.17 Ep.8

This wrap-up gathers reflections and practical tools from this season’s guests, highlighting joys and challenges from newborns to adults. Featuring “Across the Ages” insights, we share bonus answers on common hurdles and go-to strategies from each stage to bring our research-and-reality theme full circle.

Transcript

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Welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. We'll talk about the realities of being a parent and how research can help guide our parenting decisions. I'm Mackenzie Dejong-Schelling, podcast host, and I'm a parenting educator. It's just me today. You get a solo here, and I'm excited to reflect on the incredible conversations that we’ve had with our colleagues this season. All through Season 17, from newborns all the way up to adults. As a bonus, in this episode, I did sneak in a bonus question to each of them and we are going to hear their answer to the question, “what's a challenge in parenting at this age,” whichever age they talked about, and “what advice or tools you have to help overcome it?” In this episode, you'll hear their thoughtful responses, offering both a real life insight and practical strategies. So we've aimed to balance research and reality through all of the seasons in The Science of Parenting, and this episode really is hoping to bring it full circle. We’ll highlight not just those joys, but also some of those challenges of parenting and how they're navigated. As parenting educators, we often emphasize the journey of parenting being less than about perfection and maybe more about like, presence and connection. We do not want to blame or shame. You've probably heard us say that a number of times. We do not want to blame or shame parents. We're all going through different journeys in life and we are navigating things as they come up. And hopefully our, our goal is to support parents and caregivers through that journey with some research that gives you, gives you some actionable insights that truly fits your family. So let's start out with talking through each of these stages that we've explored and begin at the beginning with parenting a newborn. Our friend Hailey Walker described parenting as a, parenting a newborn as a wild mix of exhaustion, love, and a whole lot of learning as you go. You know, it might involve eating, sleeping, and diaper changes, but the American Academy of Pediatrics gives us guidance focused on evidence based behaviors, and those support healthy development like establishing routines, making decisions that influence long term health and role modeling. It's a 24 hour job, and we have to remember that taking care of the parent is key in taking care of a newborn. That self-care is necessary to help prevent burnout. If you're caring for a newborn while also parenting older children, you're navigating a major life transition for the whole family, right? Older children might experience a mix of excitement, curiosity, confusion, jealousy, especially in those first few months. Normal reactions include things like regression, things in sleep, independence, and those are often ways that they ask for connection or reassurance. They might not say it, but we can see it. Powerful approach for us use in this time is emotion coaching, which is naming what is happening, validating their feelings, and helping them say things like “it's hard when baby needs so much of my time, isn't it?” You can promote bonding and reduce jealousy by giving older siblings age appropriate roles, like asking them to bring a clean diaper, sing a song while you dress the baby, and setting time aside for those older kids is important too, but remember that quality in those interactions is more important than quantity. Our guest for the newborn episode, our team member Hailey Walker, was right in the thick of balancing newborn life with her two older children.

And we asked her this question: 4:33

“what is one of the biggest challenges when navigating the transition to life with the newborn baby in the house?” And here's what she had to say. What is one of your biggest challenges in parenting a newborn or a baby, and what is maybe a piece of advice or a tool and that maybe you would give to another new parent? Honestly, I think one of the biggest challenges of parenting a newborn is just the emotional toll. That's, it's really real. Sometimes that might look like postpartum depression. Sometimes it's anxiety, which is something that really ramps up for me postpartum. There's also just those feelings of isolation. If you're, you know, trying to feed the baby or get the baby to sleep in another room while your family is together without you, those can be really tough. So one way that I try to handle those feelings is really just talking. We can talk, right? We're good talkers. But that might look like, you know, telling my husband exactly how I'm feeling rather than kind of silently holding a grudge or calling a friend that I know will help me work through my anxious moments without judgment. So, yeah, I mean, my my tip would be to find those trusted sources for you to turn to when you're in the throes of those, like sleepless newborn nights, when those emotional moments get pretty heightened. As babies grow and become more mobile, baby proofing becomes essential. Unintentional injuries are a leading cause of death in children under five, but many of those are preventable. The best tip is to see the world from your child's level. Get down on your hands and knees, as silly as that sounds, to spot those hidden hazards like cords, outlets, and sharp corners. Baby proofing evolves as your child grows. Start with common risks like cover your outlets, install some gates at stairs, cut loop blind cords, and in kitchens and bathrooms, store some of the sharp objects and medications out of reach. Set your water heater to 120 degrees to prevent burns. Secure those TVs and furniture to avoid tip over injuries. Really, the goal is balance, right? Reducing serious risks, while also creating safe spaces where children can explore freely. Although we did talk in depth with Rachel Sweeney, our AnswerLine expert, about baby proofing, when I asked her the question about a parenting challenge at this toddler age, she shared a bit about handling transitions and meltdowns with her son. What is a challenge that you've seen or that you've had kind of with this age range, and what is maybe one way that you have or a tool that you've used to overcome that challenge? Sure. Well, one that comes to mind I was just thinking about last night. My, three, almost four year old, nothing was going his way, and, you know, everything we asked him to do as part of our bed routine, he was throwing a fit. He had trouble transitioning from playing to bath time. Right. And from getting out of the bath to putting on his pajamas. And so it's really easy to get overwhelmed because he's throwing a fit and screaming and flailing and doesn't want to do anything that we're asking him to, or that's, normally he cooperates with this part of our routine. And so we started offering him choices, and, just two choices, that's all we were providing him. Both of which it didn't matter to me what what he picked, but, but then he had some autonomy in what the outcome was. So, for instance, I let him pick between two different towels. One was gray and one was purple. And then he got to pick what, you know, I gave him two choices.“Do you wanna wear this pair of pajamas or this pair,.” and, you know, it's, it's still was a struggle, but he had some choice in it, and he didn't completely hijack our bedtime routine as much as he probably could have with just him doing whatever he wanted to do, I said, “okay, these are our two choices.” And so we kind of tried to continue that through, through the night, and, and sometimes he just wouldn't pick, pick a choice. So then we ended up picking for him, but, but he had that option. Right. And I found that helpful in other areas too. If I take him to the grocery store and they see the whole cereal aisle, I say, “these are the two cereals you can pick from him,” or at breakfast we know, “which two fruits do you want to have,” or “we can have this one or this one.” And so they still have a choice, but they don't, they don't get to, you know, as the parent is really the one in charge, right? But you're wanting to set themselves, them up for success. And so giving choices that you're happy with either outcome, but they're still being able to make a decision. As kids moved into the early childhood and elementary years, we focused on nurturing their natural STEM curiosity, the science, technology, engineering and math skills. Early childhood is a critical period for STEM development as kids are born curious. We know that they're exploring. They ask questions. They explore how the world works, and integrated STEM is an approach that blends the concepts and practices from multiple disciplines within a single learning experience. It helps us to build real world skills by encouraging kids to ask questions, test ideas, and solve challenges. STEM learning does not require high tech toys. It happens naturally through play, daily routines, shared experiences, things like cooking, gardening, even building a blanket fort. Heck yeah. Parents don't need to be experts, but they should be curious and engaged. You can help by wondering aloud, asking questions like,“oh, I wonder what would happen if we stacked this block here.” In the classroom integrated STEM focuses on teaching concepts first to encourage learning. It avoids what our guest, Sara Nelson, called the activity trap, where activities are disconnected from a core idea. When discussing how to bring STEM to life at home, our guest, Melissa Wagner, shared that the biggest challenge for many parents is relying on phones. What is one of your biggest challenges, and what is a piece of advice that you would give to parents facing that challenge? I think one of the biggest challenges, I think for me, but just I think for a lot of people these days, is just not relying on those devices and putting that device away and getting down, and rather than finding the answer right away for your child, but like discovering and exploring more. Yeah. And and getting down in modeling that curiosity and wonder rather than relying on those devices and stuff all the time. And that kind of leads into also, but, my biggest joy is watching my children play and discover and learn and explore. Like I always say, you know, it's not a good day for my son unless he's come home with dirt on his knees in his pockets and scrapes, you know, somewhere on his hands or knees. I mean, yeah, that's just one of the best parts is watching them explore and learn. Sara Nelson, our specialist in youth STEM, also shared with us some of the challenges that she sees related to parenting, STEM integration, and those school age children, and she has some really great resources to share. What is something that you see especially around STEM integration for families as a challenge that might come up, and how is a way that you might address that challenge? I'm going to talk about two things here. The first one being kind of access to resources. And so some of the STEM things are quite expensive, especially on the technology side. And so in this case, and because technology changes so quickly, you know, too, I think a good partner in this case could be the public library. I think an example might be the library here, in Ames, partnered along with Iowa 4-H, and the School of Ed to create check-out STEM kits, and in those kits are things like bee-bots for coding, you know, different things. An activity guide, that's very easy to follow, it's just one page, and then all the materials, you know, that you need for any of the activities listed. And so you can go in and you can check them out, you know, for whatever amount of time the library lets you check them out. But sometimes, you know, getting your hands on resources, you know, there can be some challenges around that. So I would say, you know, to think about your public libraries as a partner within that, or maybe your school or local university, you know, could be an additional partner or another out-of-school time, program. The next thing I think that can sometimes, you know, be a challenge is maybe you didn't exactly enjoy science, you know, when you were going to school, and I can understand it. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, sometimes you might be just hesitant to do some of these things. And again, I can fully, you know, understand that. And that's where I think, though, knowing that you do not need to have all of the answers or you do not need, you know, to have a degree, you know, in whatever field it is, you know, that you're kind of looking into instead. You know, I think, again, walking alongside, you know, with your child to ask and answer questions. I think would just be, you know, the way to go. I fully understand how sometimes, you know, STEM might have some anxiety or, you know, stress, you know, around it. And so, again, I think if we pull back and we think instead about just asking and answering questions and focusing on the process, you know, instead of that end product, I think you might have a little bit more fun with it. And then you'll honestly, some of the STEM festivals that Iowa hosts, you know, around, those are really fun ways to get into STEM, because you go in, you can just pick what you want to do. You can talk to people. You can not talk to people, you know, I mean, it gives you a chance to kind of get in there and do STEM play as an adult. And I think adults need a chance also to do STEM play. And so not only you and your child, you know, doing this, it's just a great way, a great entry point. So maybe look at one of the free STEM festivals that are hosted around the state. Moving into the teen years, we took a look at nutrition and movement in adolescents, those pre-teens and teenagers. This period sets the stage for lifelong health, but we know that many teens actually skip meals, which can be concerning, because breakfast is actually directly related to better memory, attention, and academic performance. Teen brains and bodies need increased nutrients things like vitamin D, iron, and healthy fats for bone strength, energy, and brain growth. Physical activity is equally crucial. Adolescents need at least 60 minutes of moderate to vigorous activity per day, but it's found that about only 24% actually meet that standard. Regular movement is strongly reduced to symptoms of things like anxiety and depression in teens, alongside improving sleep and building self-esteem. Parents can help with providing structure without control, modeling, modeling some active behaviors. Research actually shows that when families eat together at least three times a week, those teens are more likely to consume fruits and veggies. We were also reminded that these years are about laying a foundation for lifelong health. Even small steps like drinking more water, picking a healthy snack, or going on a short walk together can make a lasting difference. Parents can help by doing things like modeling healthy habits, providing structure without control, and creating opportunities for that shared meal and movement. Here's what our expert, Jodi Gatewood shared when I asked her about the challenges of parenting teenagers. As you're thinking about, you know, this age range, nutrition movement, what is a challenge that you see, either in your family or with families you work with, and how do you like how do you overcome that? Or what is your thought process around those challenges? Yeah, one challenge that I can think about, as your kids get older, we've talked a lot about independence, but as they get older, right, they can start to drive and they are going to have more control over what they're eating and their movement, right? They're going to be out of the house more. You know, they can stop at the gas station or go out to eat, or if they have a job, they are going to start having their own money. And so, right, you have less control over what they're eating when they're outside of the house or away from it. And so it can be a challenge, right? And so that's where we are hoping that the foundation we've laid, will make a difference. And, you know, they'll, they'll make good choices. Just like all of us, sometimes our choices are good, and sometimes, you know, not the greatest. Right? But it'll balance out. And that when they are at home, you can still provide those fruits and veggies and those foods that you want them to eat. And just know that it is a part of growing up and that we are, you know, have to give up more control as they they grow up, and the habits that we've built, are going to make a difference, as they do more on their own. Finally, we arrive at the stage of parenting adult children and parenting new parents. The truth is, once a parent, always a parent, and this phase of parenting often becomes a longest. Emergy adulthood is defined by markers like accepting responsibility for yourself, making independent decisions, and becoming financially independent. While, intangible support, things like emotional help, advice, those things are highly valued and pretty consistently given. Parents have to be mindful of accessing financial help because it and then certainly may hamper independence. When your adult child becomes a parent themselves, you unlock that new parenting level, being a grandparent, and supporting new parents can be a delicate balance. That finance of keeping distance, so they can get their footing, but remaining available as a safety blanket of support. Cindy Thompson, our guest, who is a parent to four adult children and she is a grandparent, described the challenge of letting go. What are some challenges or do you have example of a challenge or something you’ve had to navigate parenting emerging adults? Sure. We often hear parents just need to let it go. Like let your adult children do x, y, z. Just let it go. And especially the Disney song has made it such a popular little catchphrase, this idea of letting go. And yet I found there's several different kind of layers or levels of letting go. One is just letting go of seeing them every single day. Like when they're growing up, you see them, even as teenagers, they may just run to the house to grab a snack and go to sleep, but at least you're seeing them, and that is a big difference in as they're emerging into adulthood. You don't physically see them as much. You often don't have as much communication with them, so you have to be creative with that. Another letting go is letting them experience some what we might call natural consequences. So it can be hard not to want to shuffle some money into their account if you're still on it, so they don't get an overdraft fee. But letting that overdraft fee happen, letting them miss a car payment, those sorts of things, are consequences that they will learn more from if we just let them experience those. And then the kind of the third, kind of, in my experience of letting go, has been having to watch a child really, really struggle and hope that they don't get to a point where they've made a decision they can't come back from. And no amount of support, no amount of offering conversation, is helping at that moment to get them out of that predicament. And sometimes at parenting adult children just means watching your child really, really struggle, and the best, sometimes the onl, thing that we can do, is make sure that we keep that door open, so that when they are ready for support, when they are ready to lean on someone, when they are ready for that safety net that we've talked about, that you're ready to provide that for them. But that has to be on their terms, which is something very different than maybe some of the other stages of parenting. After listening to that clip, I do want to remind our listeners that you can't do any of this successfully without a community around you. Sometimes we need additional resources. In one of the conversations that I had with Cindy, she was reminding me of our Iowa Concern Hotline and the fact that she's even called them to ask some questions, find resources to support her children when she, when they were struggling. So remember the Iowa Concern Hotline, 1-800-447-1985, if you have questions, if you need some support, looking for resources. We know that parents and caregivers are constantly growing together with their children. It's not just about children's ages, but also our stages. Whether you're helping your newborn establish routines, guiding your children to think like scientists, or supporting your adult child through new parenthood, remember that you're laying a foundation for lifelong success. With that, I will wrap things up, but thank you so much for being with us this season and come along as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting. The Science of Parenting is a research-based education program hosted by Mackenzie DeJong-Schelling, produced and edited by Brock Beirman, with contributions from Barbara Dunn-Swanson, Dr. Connie Beecher, Hailey Walker, and Morgan Newell. Send in questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach.