Parenting Guidance in Modern Game Culture | Bonus

This episode highlights how parents can transition from strict control to authoritative guidance by focusing on connection and understanding the underlying systems within modern games. By utilizing natural break points for boundaries and showing genuine interest in their child's play, families can replace constant conflict with better communication and mutual trust.

Transcript

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 0:10

Welcome back to the Science of Parenting podcast, where we connect you with research based information that fits your family. This is our third of three mini episodes focused all around gaming. In that first episode, we focused on how the structure of gaming has changed over time. In episode two, we looked at changes in how the games are monetized, and we touched on how families might start to feel overwhelmed. Which brings us to today, where we're going to make a shift to talking about something hopeful. As we look at what actually helps in our parenting around gaming. So at the end of the day, again, it isn't just about games, but it really is about parenting. We are joined again by Soyoung Park who is a doctoral student studying digital game culture and family life. Soyoung, thanks for coming back.

Soyoung Park: 1:03

Yeah. Thank you for having me again. I'm excited for today's episode because this is where we move from. Why it's hard to what can you do?

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 1:14

I am so excited for this conversation too. So let's just jump in. Soyoung, when it comes to gaming, it seems like parents usually fall into, say, one of two patterns. Either they're setting those very strict rules or they're trying to just be very involved. Is that fair to say?

Soyoung Park: 1:34

Well, that's something we see very often. Some parents focus mostly on limits like strict time rules, or they say, no more gaming today to their kids without much discussion. However, boundaries are very important. Kids need structure, so strict limits sometimes increase tensions, especially as children get older and gaming can become a kind of a power struggle.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 2:06

I think that many parents feel like they either have to choose between being really strict or being too relaxed, not only in gaming, but also in parenting in general. And there is really more of an in-between, right? If you've been with us in the past, you've listened to the Science of Parenting before, you maybe have heard us talk about Diana Baumrind and her, the idea of authoritative parenting, which essentially is that balance. It's that balance between setting boundaries while also being warm and supportive.

Soyoung Park: 2:42

Exactly. That approach works better in the long term. Instead of only focusing on control, some parents focus on connection. It doesn't mean removing rules. It means combining limits with understanding. So, for example, in game, parents can do like asking about the game to their children, talking about what's fun or stressful points, or sitting nearby while they play and just trying the game briefly. When parents guide, this way, families often see less conflict, better communication, and more trust around gaming.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 3:29

I think that it helps by approaching games this way, it can help a child feel guided. Right? And we know that guidance works better than control. So how do parents build that understanding in the first place? When parents are stressed about games, what maybe is the first shift that they might want to make?

Soyoung Park: 3:49

That's a really great question. The first thing that helps is shifting the parental lens. A lot of parent starts from just a yes or no questions, like, is gaming good or bad? Or should I allow this game or not? But modern games are not one simple thing. They are, kind of systems with time system, social systems, reward systems and spending systems. So more useful questions become how does this game work? And what is this game asking my children to do with time, money and attention of them? That shift reduces panic because now parents are not just guessing. They are observing.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 4:45

Yes, it really turns that, I don't understand this, right, into okay, yeah, I can learn how this works. You're really changing that question instead of just jumping into judgment. So if a parent maybe isn't a quote unquote gamer themselves, how can they start to build that understanding?

Soyoung Park: 5:06

Yeah. Gaming literacy doesn't mean parents have to become gaming experts it simply means learning enough to parent confidently. We can start by asking basic questions. For example, you can ask, does this game have in-game purchases? Is there virtual currency involved? Can my child chat with with strangers. Is this competitive or there are there rankings or pressure to login? Can it be paused or does it run in long matches?

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 5:46

Those are really good questions that can really help you to learn enough to understand your environment, that those children are stepping into, right?

Soyoung Park: 5:54

Yep, absolutely. Building that understanding doesn't require a research project. It can be really simple, like sit, just sit next to your child for ten minutes and just watch and ask them to explain what they are doing. And say, what makes this game fun for you? Or is there anything about this game that feels stressful? And even you can try the game yourself once. Not to mastery, just to experience.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 6:29

That ten minutes. Just ten minutes can help it help a huge amount and it really does feel manageable.

Soyoung Park: 6:32

Yes. And something interesting happens when parents do that. It stops feeling like surveillance, And it starts feeling like interest. Children respond very differently to interest than to control.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 6:53

Yeah. So now that parents understand the system a little better, it helps to kind of feel more comfortable. But the real life moments, things like, times like dinner time, bedtime, time for homework, you know, if even if they do understand the game better, conflict can still happen at that stopping point, right? So how do we turn the moment, those moments into something less explosive?

Soyoung Park: 7:21

Well, this is a such a common situation. And often the conflict isn't really about attitude or disrespect. It's about timing. So from the parent's point of view it feels is very simple. It's time to stop. But from the child point of view, they might be in the middle of something that can’t just pause. They might be in the middle of a match about to win, trying to reach out to the, checkpoint or playing with teammates who are counting on them. So when we say turn it off right now, it can feel to them like being asked to walk away in the middle of a sentence.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 8:13

Absolutely. And kids can refuse your request. Not because they don't necessarily don't respect the rule, but that timing just feels so abrupt. It's not time yet, right?

Soyoung Park: 8:24

Exactly what helps is adjusting how we structure the stop. Parents still set the boundary, but instead of stopping at a random second we can stop at a natural break point. So for example, we can say to our children you can finish this match, then we are done, or no starting a new round after, for example, 3:30 or 8:30. Yeah. Or you, you can say you have ten minutes, Start wrapping up. and we stop at a stop, at a save point. it sounds small, but it makes a huge difference.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 9:12

Yeah, it's not about giving in. It's about being strategic. And I like the stop after you hit that save point, because then it makes it sound like you know what's going on, right. So, it's really it is just about being strategic.

Soyoung Park: 9:21

Yes. And when children feel their efforts and progress are respected, they, kind of are more likely to cooperate. .

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 9:36

Yeah. And I do really like that. It feels less overwhelming for the adults when you put it that way. You know, it's not about banning everything or fighting constantly. It's it's about understanding what's happening and responding in a smarter way than maybe we were able to do before. So and I think that I really think that rings true of, honestly, our conversations that we've had throughout the last three weeks, all around modern gaming systems and those parenting skills that can help guide children in healthy and thoughtful ways. So, okay, we are getting close to the end. But before we wrap up Soyoung, what is one message that you would like parents to remember from our time together?

Soyoung Park: 10:22

Well, I would say you don't need to win a battle against gaming. You don't need you don't need to control every second. What helps most is understanding how the game works, staying connected to your child and building small, fair routines over time.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 10:45

I love that reminder. So important. We know that gaming isn't going away. But we also know that conflict doesn't have to be constant when you start to understand that system. As an adult, we we stopped reacting to it and we start fighting, and we know guidance is huge when it comes to parenting.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 11:05

So as we close this series, we hope these conversations about modern gaming and parenting skills have offered some helpful guidance for supporting children. Thank you Soyoung so much for joining us. It's been a pleasure over the last three weeks. We appreciate you sharing both your professional expertise, your research, research experience. It has been it's just been a pleasure to talk all things gaming with you, throughout the last three weeks.

Mackenzie DeJong Schelling: 11:34

And to our listeners, thank you for tuning in again today. Don't forget, you can subscribe to The Science of Parenting podcast on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also watch video versions, on YouTube and as always, come along with us as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs, and the research and reality all around The Science of Parenting.

Anthony Santiago: 12:01

The Science of Parenting is a research based education program hosted by Mackenzie DeJong Schelling. Produced and edited by Brock Beirman with contributions from Barbara Dunn Swanson, Dr. Connie Beecher, Haley Walker, and Morgan Newell. Send in questions and comments to parenting@estate.edu, and connect with us on Facebook. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach.