s01e16 // soothsayer X wolf who cried boy

in this episode i briefly talk about my struggle with uncovering the point & purpose of what it is that i do (whatever that is) and i share a few excerpts from my daily morning pages. SOUND: laura gibson X ethan rose || HELP: national suicide prevention lifeline 1-800-273-8255 || crisis text hotline text HOME to 741741

Transcript

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Who is it? In the press that calls on me, I get a voice. Three level The music guy sees are of man. Is that a soothsayer? Did you beware the Ides of March sitting before me? Let me see his face fellow come from a wrong man. Is that suit So hello. And welcome back to another episode of soothsayer. Today is Tuesday, May 12 2020. The last few episodes of the show. I've just been sharing excerpts from my morning pages. I haven't really been moved to ramble and speak free forms. Um, I've been thinking a lot about the purpose of the show, and I feel like that's an ongoing conversation that I have with myself about, You know, you should I follow a certain format Shy. Do this. Do that. Um, you know, I'm not a famous person with famous friends, so I don't have a lot of, like, entertaining guests that I could bring on. You know, I'm not an expert in any particular field, so I can't be giving information that you don't necessarily already have or have access to, Um, you know, on Guy, I've been struggling a lot with, like you know, I'll be honest. I struggle with the fact that I put time and effort and energy and myself into making this, and I feel like no one cares. I feel like no one gives a shit. I feel like no one listens. And I know that's not entirely true because there's a way for me to track. You know how many downloads I get, how many people click and listen and whatever. And while there are people that are technically clicking on the button, you know, it's like the adding up. I don't know, and I and I don't want to go into that because I don't want it to come across. As if I'm not grateful for people that do take time to listen, because I am thankful. I think what I am touching moron is like, What's the point? What's the purpose? Why bother? And that's something in addition to the show that I struggle with just in my own life in general, you know, like with my life and me existing as a human being, like what is my purpose? What is my point? Why bother? And that's something that I still have yet to kind of uncover and figure out for myself. Um, I think that I do this in the hopes that a those things, uh, reveal themselves to me in some form and be my hope is that there's someone out there who listen to this and is may be experiencing the same thing of feeling like you don't matter, feeling like you don't have a purpose or a point of existing. And for those people out there that feel that way, my hope is that this is something that they can connect to and and, um, in some way figure out their own direction and figure out their own heading on their compass. Um, in thinking about a I guess existing in general by being someone who identifies as an artist someone who creates and shares and explorers, um, you know, I feel like it's important that anything I do say in make should, um, you know, kind of check three specific boxes. Those boxes being, um you know, one, uh, conveying and relaying important, vital, crucial information people. Ah, the second box being, um, something that is helpful, you know, helping others, being of service, being able to be put to use in some form. And the third box would be some making sure that things are inspiring and enlightening and and, uh, enabling in a positive way for people. And so, ideally, anything I say do and make should check all three of those boxes. You know, I should be giving out important information that people should be aware of or or at least help getting people connected to proper sources to find more information. Um, I should be doing and saying in making things that help others that are of service, you know, um and and that help others beyond just a simple form of like entertainment. Although that in itself could be a valid um, the thing to Dio. And, you know, I should be making sure that the things that I do say and make ah are positive and inspiring and enlightening. And, um, while it's kind of hard to make something that way because the Israel subjective things Ah, you know, like you comptel, if something is, is ah made with light or if it's you know, not, um and if it's not like I like I said, ideally, things should check all three of those boxes. If anything, that should check at least one. And if it doesn't check any of those boxes than Lake Black, shut the fuck up like that's how I feel. You know, um, and I'm not gonna apologize for feeling that way or expressing that feeling, you know, with those words. I've been thinking a lot about the words that I choose, whether it's in writing or in speaking. Um, you know, and there's this whole conversation about like, when and when. Shouldn't you use expletives when and when should you bite your tongue? Mind your business, etcetera, etcetera. I'm kind of at a point where it's like, you know, I I don't care. And that doesn't mean that I don't care about other people or their feelings or their space or or you know what triggers them. Like, of course, I want to be mindful of those things, but it's like at what point is is like when you're when you're having to be mindful of all these other things. And there's all these other people in variables. At what point are you no longer living your own life for yourself? You know, if you constantly have to censor and change and modify and adapt because of someone else. Like, what is that? And and And that's something I don't know I don't have the answer to. I don't have information about that that you don't have access to already. I don't have something helpful that I can offer about that subject. And I don't know of anything I'm saying about it right now is inspiring or enlightening. So in that regard going back to my three boxes, I'll just shut up about it. Um, so anyways, to continue on with the theme that I've been doing the last few weeks, uh, I'm gonna just share some excerpts from my morning pages over the last week and 1/2 or so, Um, you know, these air thes air? Just things. When I wake up, I fix my coffee. I go sit out on the deck and I I sit for a minute. I'm just gonna listen, and then I start reading and, uh, a buddy of mine, they they're doing this thing where every day there's like, journal prompts and there's videos and there's discussions, and I think it's beautiful, and I think it's great that they're doing it so some of these things were respond from his journal prompts. Some of them are just kind of my own thoughts, um, and ramblings and my own head that I put on paper. And for whatever reason, I feel compelled to record them and share them with you and the world in the Internet. And whoever ends up clicking either purposely or accidentally on my podcast. And ah, you know, like I said as hard I I listened to a lot of different podcasts, and I love them. I think they're brilliant. I think there fabulous ways to share information into, like leak when you listen to podcasts, especially once it or well crafted and well made. It's like you're hanging out with these people. You know, like if you're listening to this right now, it's for me. It's kind of like you're hanging out with me on Lee. I'm just like monopolizing the conversation, Unfortunately, um, you know, but I it's hard because I want I want to offer people the same type of an inspirational material and the same type of, um, space that some of these other shows do, and I don't know if it's because I just don't have the financial resource is or the production quality or if it's because I don't have, you know, people like friends that are well known or well regarded, like I don't know, um, but again, I'm like, I'm comparing myself to these things, but it's hard not to, because when you're in when you're in a particular field, no matter what it is, um, it's really hard to not see how things compared to each other, even if it's not through the lens of like, oh, who's better? But just simply like, oh, who's doing what? You know, Um, and I often feel like I'm just some dumb kid in the corner who's like, you know, whatever. I don't want to get into that. I'm I'm trying my damnedest to practice a lot more compassion towards myself because I've been beaten myself up a lot over the last few weeks. Um, a few months, I guess. Well, a few years. Who's counting? Who cares? Well, shut up. Now, here's some excerpts from my morning pages. Um, I hope you enjoy them. Uh, if you don't enjoy them, I hope who they provide valuable, vital information If they don't provide information. I hope that there's in some form able to help you and be of service. And if they don't? Then ah, you know, did I guess you don't have to listen. That sounds rude. I didn't mean it to be like a rude like you get you don't loosen by, I mean, honestly, like, what's the point? If you're not digging something like, why, why continue to dig into it? Um, you know, which is a lesson in itself. Like I think, especially in our society today. We've been conditioned to, like, Grin and Barrett, Bite your tongue, just deal with it. It's like, Why? Why do I have to just deal with it? If there's something that doesn't speak to me, if there's something that doesn't help me, if there's something that causes me pain or stress or trauma or anxiety, why why do I have to? You know, what were they called the Roso crew, shins or something? There was like a sect of Christianity where they whipped their own backs or something. Um, like, Why do Why do we have to do that? In order to find some sort of lesson in the silver lining of things like sometimes it's okay to just be like now and then say no and then leave. I don't know where I'm going with that at war, I feel like I'm on a tear, and that's what happens when I'm not reading off paper. I just kind of ramble and run my mouth and, ah, you know, say things that probably alienate myself from the group and probably rub people the wrong way. And, you know, I'm not blind to the fact that I can be a very abrasive person. Um, I can also be a very soft and compassionate and loving person as well. And that's the part of myself that I'm working very hard on paying more attention to in nurturing and cultivating. Um, so tangent from tangent attention Let me get back on track here, and a ZAY said these are some excerpts for my morning pages over the last week and 1/2. And, um, you know, feel free to respond, um, with any thoughts or feedback or what makes you what makes you think or feel? Um, because then at least I know what I can do to continue helping people. Um, you know, it. It could be very uninspiring to do things diminishes lake silence. Um, but again, I don't do it for applause, and I don't do it for accolades, and I don't do it for attention. I do it because, you know, they I don't know. I just do it and yeah, I'm gonna do now. Sunday, May 3rd 2020 Portland, Oregon, United States Sunday late morning. And the birds are out and about with their daily business filling the air with song and feather while perching on long limb in the tall pines butter. Yellow sun beams burst through thick plumes of cloud, sending them to scatter and dissolve amidst a dreamy cerulean sky. It's a ziff. The gods and goddesses of the firmament are asking them to clear out if they continue to congregate in various corners, converging and breathing into shape shifters and silver lined islands floating into the atmospheric oceans. The air's chilled like a glass of rose, a being stepped on a rooftop terrace, Skin shivers and spine stiffens, as if to say, You can't stop me, and I sit with my ankles crossed, rested on the cream and sage deckchairs elbows pushed against the arm rests Hood pulled up over my head to stop the cold air from kissing at my neck. I'm wearing yesterday's sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt into a check could retreat if I so choose to carving out a cave of warmth and wonder in the safety of cotton fabric. My fingernails need to be trimmed back a lot. They're starting to get caught on drawer handles and jar lids. I used to bite my nails back when I was a kid, sometimes straight down to that line, separating the dead flesh from new growth, causing my fingers to crack, bleed and sting. My habits and vices have shifted to other outlets and avenues, some less healthy than nail biting, yet less painful and less grotesque. So it's peculiar kind of trade off. This morning I sat with my mother on her blue leather sofa, and we sipped coffee and talked about the future. What she sees, what I see, what we want and don't want, where it is that we do and do not want to fit in. I'm a dog that doesn't play well with others, and I like to show my teeth and lash out those who think that my bark is worse than my bite just haven't gotten close enough for me to plunge my fangs into the scruff of their neck. So I don't blame them for thinking that their top dog, whatever I could care less about the other dogs in the park right now, for I have bigger beasts that bellow and beckons from beyond the fence. And soon the day will come and this dog will jump the fence and become a wolf, pounding the fresh earth as a vanish into the woods. All thrust my chin up towards the moon and howl, proclaiming my presence to the other woodland creatures and letting the world know that I do, in fact exist all Rome and wander and follow rivers and streams. And I dig ditches in the earth to bury parts of me that die along the way any day now. Yes, I can feel it in my bones and guts. I nod to myself as the sun takes. A break slips behind rain clouds. The birds continue their symphony, and the wind continues to chill. All that she touches. Scouts aren't made to garrison their built to explore and soon I will be back in unknown lands doing exactly that. Thursday, May 7th 2020 Portland, Oregon. United States of America sweeping spring breeze, bringing the sweet budding branches to bend swing and seat breath into solar if IQ winds filling lungs and longing to wrap you up in the oh so holy golden light skin caressed and slightly pink, soft and supple fascia. The future of fruits fallen from up high. Heaven's gates swing ringing sounds of divine whispers through cloaks of cloud and leaf. The sky is a cotton candy. Blue hints of snowy white billowed puffs of powdered dust sift and shift shapeless, dreamless wish lists listlessly listening to the humdrum hammering of hard headed handy men, too wrapped up in the day's work to see the world's work of art on display for all to see. Step right up, Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, beings, beyond the binary Come one, come all slip step into the big top tent. For 10 cents and a tuppence, you can see two tigers tango as they trip tetrahydrocannabinol and tap dance while turning tricks for 10 Tylenol over to your left, you see the lopsided langoliers with yellow leather feather tethers tied to their ears, lapping up minutes by the hour, pushing flowers in a year more or less unless they leave behind their liquid courage and languish in a lackluster cluster, tears leaking out like whiskey. Maybe a gin and tonic might better suit your taste. Or perhaps you were not a drink drinker, but a thought thinker, a postulated pot smoker choking on a thought thunk and sunk under the weight of watchful eyes, waiting toe wildly. Pick apart the pieces of your pondering, wondering how we got toe wandering so far off the path from where we started. Yet it doesn't matter because it's simply a passing thought of fleeting fancy. Why do we open some doors and not others? Why do we kick rocks down path and leave others UN. Explored their secrets and treasures and titans untamed and untouched, buried deep in the dark, lush jungle vines riddled with vanquished fools seeking victory and valor, thinking they could contain nature. Deep underground in the caverns and crevices in the cracks of the earth, deep in the depths of black oceans so lead with swimming beasts unknown because deep divers aren't survivors deep in the ethers of space where ancient rock and fire dart dashing through endless dust and careening into cosmic collisions and collapsing. Case ours deep into yourself in order to get out of your own head. Your own body. This temple you guard holds secrets beyond your own capacity. To understand you are the answer to the universe. It's you. It's always been you. And who are you? Yeah, you. Who are you? What lights the fire in your belly that ignites your immortal engine. From what code of laws is your sword forged? Crafted? What is it that you live for? Stand for fight for? What is it that you die for? Who are you and why are you so fucking loud when you don't have to be? Where is it that at the end of your days, you want to be put to rest? I imagine a dark coast with the sinking sun slowly bowing down behind the horizon as if it were on a stage. The final performance. The last show for all to bear. Witness. Step right up. Come and see the wolf Who cried Boy. The boy who put all of his eggs in one basket encountered them before they hatched the boy who turned gold back into dust. Friday, May 8th 2020. Portland, Oregon. United States of America. I've heard it said that if you look back upon your life and cringe with embarrassment, then that means you've grown. However, if one looks back at their life and all that they can feel and see is nothing but the crunch of embarrassment. Is that a life of growth, or is it something else? See, it's become an ongoing trend that pretty much anything I've ever done. I'll look back at it and think to myself, I'm a fucking idiot. That is not a reflection of the people around me or the situation itself. Rather, that focused lens of disappointment and dissatisfaction is solely locked and loaded onto my own self. Yet when I envisioned things, I want to often cling to the world I once was part of, and now I'm just a stranger in a familiar land. But I don't speak the same language anymore, and I don't have the proper currency, and I don't follow the social norms. So am I. I'm a fucking problem. I'm a problem for those who want to keep spewing the same sewage from their dunked up faucets, watering the world with waste and falsehood. God dammit! I'm feeling fighting today. Not sure what I can do about it to help it pass. It's funny how our priorities, fantasies and motivations will change and evolve over time. When I was younger, I was obsessed with the idea of city life skyscrapers like titans standing tall and unencumbered, busy, bustling street life with people from all over the world constant given take of energy and action. I wanted to live in a high rise condo overlooking a downtown city skyline where my life would unfold like a movie. I guess in some way it has because I lived that life for the most part for a bit. And while I still have a profound love and fascination with city, I find myself more and more craving the quietude and bliss from a small cabin near the coast where you can feel, smell and taste the ocean air, majestic waves calling out to you, asking about your day. I crave warm sand and a book that my brain can sink its teeth into. I've wanted to be loud for so long. I've wanted everyone to hear my voice, to see my face, to know my name and to surround me with love and affection. And now I don't want anything to do with anyone. I wonder what will happen with my radical Bibles after I leave this world? Will they sit and collect dust over years remaining unknown, simply decomposing back into the earth, feeding the roots of trees and grass with words from my brain lips, heartened pencil. Will they become heirlooms, preserved and passed on to whatever family has left behind? Will I make it big postmortem and have them guarded by glass cases in some future museum dedicated to celebrating luminaries and creative geniuses that were overlooked and unappreciated during a time when they were still alive enough to walk down the street and buy a cup of coffee? Who knows, man? Maybe at some point all of it will be digitised, and maybe at some point all of life will be digitized. Maybe it already is. And if that's the case, if we're living in this hologram world than theirs, away toe hack the system and create the world in which I truly want to live, breathe and move. And if I can do that, then perhaps that seaside cabin is even easier to obtain. Thought Saturday, MAY 9th 2020 Portland, Oregon. United States of America Think about all of the people in the world. All of the people you've met, befriended, created, connection held conversation, all of the people with whom you've gotten too drunk or too high or too deep in love. Think about all the people who captured your heart and whose hearts have been captured by your own. Now of all those people, pick the 10 with whom you feel the most connection the 10 people that you call out to. If it was your last day on Earth, the 10 people whom you believe would be both shaken should you no longer exist billions of people in the world and you can Onley select 10 and everyone else will continue to exist in their own worlds but will no longer be part of yours. Difficult, right? Tell me about it. I only made it to about seven before my mind started to draw a blank. To me, there's only about seven people whose lives would be noticeably different should I vanish tomorrow. And if I'm being for real, it feels closer to five, possibly for that's one Handsworth of fingers. Seven billion people on this planet, give or take. And I've got a Handsworth that would notice my departure. As long as this handful of people are still around, I don't see it being fair to them. For me to call for an early check out is placing my life on the backs of these people a burden and heavy responsibility, one for which they did not ask nor deserve to carry. Yes, yes, it is. It's unfair of me to place my continued existence on the contingency of theirs. They have their own lives to live, and they're not responsible for me. Perhaps there's a way where we can simply be out of sight, out of mind for everyone else's sake. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a busy kitchen and everyone is flying around diligently doing their tasks, and I'm just standing in the way of it all, with no task too dio nothing with which I can offer any help or assistance. I'm just standing there getting in the way of the hustle and bustle of good people doing good things. I'm an obstacle and not even one which anyone sees is something toe address. I'm a push cart left haphazardly in the middle of the room, and everyone has to walk around me. I long to be out of the way so as not to cause any trouble with the ones I love. Why is it that I simultaneously want to disappear and hide quietly vanishing into the air? Will? At the same time, I want to scream and shout from rooftops and mountains and street corners to gain attention and share my story. My truth, in my perspective, how obnoxious I am, how loud and unaware I am shoo, fly. Don't bother anybody. Along the way, I've come to realize that messages change ideas, evolve into fruition and collapse into entropy. People wake up in new worlds each morning, and the only foolish thing one can do is to assume that anything is steadfast in absolute. My intuition is on fire, and she's telling me to fight that urge to disintegrate and instead to power through with softness and approach. Don't go out with guns blazing, instead, make this game a long con and ever shifting puzzle that resolves with both a loud roar in a gentle exhale. Luminaries and pioneers were often first seen as heretics and foolish lunatics, and not everyone is going to listen. Not everyone is going to love, and not everyone is going to make it into your top 10. Figure out who you are and what you're about. Everything else will either fall into place or fall away. Let go of that past life that causes so much heartache and self hatred and just keep going. You're the only one of your kind. You're a treasure. You're a celestial delight sent from above to set the world on fire. I'm not sure exactly what I planted to with the show moving forward. I'm just taking it day by day, moment to moment. You know, it's like Do I do we want to try and be like other podcasts out there? Do we want to fill a role? Do I want to put on a stick? Do I want toe have bits and and and character, and do I wanna frame things and formulate things? Or do I wanted to just ride and be what it is I honestly don't know. Um, yeah, I the last few weeks have definitely been feeling like I just want to hide, um, and not be in the way of anybody. And, ah, you know, luckily, right now that that's kind of what's happening in the public atmosphere, uh, with, you know, quarantines and see at home orders and all that business. So I have been able to kind of be out of the way of everyone. Um, I don't know, man. Uh, speaking openly and honestly, like, I'm just I'm I don't know where I belong. I don't know where I where I want to be. I don't know where I'm wanted. I don't know where I'm needed. I I don't know. And it's OK that I don't know, um, you know, for for what it's worth and for any kind of full transparency and disclosure, like I I know I talk a lot about my depression and suicidal ideation and wanted to disappear and vanish. I'm not going to go do anything dramatic in this very moment. Um, so if anyone's listening this far, and it is has any kind of concern like, don't worry about it, it's fine. Um, but yeah, I I feel like I'm just gonna keep going. I'm gonna I'm gonna make the choice to just keep plugging along even when I don't want to. Even when I want to kick and scream and fight, uh, I'm gonna keep going. And if that means that I'm by myself speaking to nobody out there, then that's OK. Um because even if no one's listening, it's things that I'm It's It's something I don't know. Even if no one's listening out there, I'm able to still get the things off of my chest. And and in a way, this is me shouting from rooftops and mountains and street quantities. You know, um and again, like, just because I making the choice to speak into a microphone and throw it out there for the world By no means is that that that doesn't mean that I think I'm so important or that I'm such a big deal. I'm not disillusioned with who I am and what my reality is. Um, you know, I I don't know. I don't know why I need to, like, have that at that in their but whatever it said, it's said and done, Um, which, you know, I've I've said a lot today. A lot, A lot, A lot. Um, and, you know, I always like to end things with reminding everyone that in my short existence in this world, uh, I've learned that there really only two things that truly deserve being said out loud and two things that really just matter, you know, at the end of the day and those two things air making sure that people know that you're thankful and that you love them. Uh, so you know the words Thank you. In the words I love you to me, her pretty much the most important things that could never be said. And, um, So to everyone out there who's listening and to everyone out there who isn't listening, I just want to say thank you. And I love you. Hey, stay fired. Trust in the sky No longer just in there. Burn. I'm, uh, drunk Are shiny changing. Say here, so No way. Way No