The Toya Talks Podcast
The education system teaches us to learn and recall information and at the end of it we are tested and expected to then pass exams. After all said and done the reality is, we are supposed to get a job at the end of it. I was unaware of the difficulties I would encounter at work especially as a Black Woman. How do I navigate work and how do I keep a job? Education institutions do not prepare you for work, racism, bullying, and oppressive managers in the workplace. Where the education system has not prepared you, I will. Toya Talks is a platform birthed on my day to day uploads on Snapchat. I discuss the realities of work from the perspective of a Black Woman and how I have successfully navigated work using my experiences. Toya Talks Podcast covers the world of work and not just the corporate world. Black Women for too long have been overlooked and underrepresented in the workplace. Toya Talks is a safe place and a platform to share, grow and learn, more importantly, educate ourselves and everyone else so we can navigate and grow in the world of work more smoothly. This Podcast contains my opinions and feelings based on my lived experiences, my opinions and my Black experience. My views and experiences are in no way intended to cause offence. Lets put the sensitivity to one side, prepare to laugh, learn & grow!!!!
The Toya Talks Podcast
The Burnout
Exhaustion, stress, and societal pressure often push us beyond our limits. But what if acknowledging burnout could change your life? Join me as I share my personal journey through the demanding terrain of professional fatigue, exploring how it manifested physically and emotionally, and how a timely holiday to Dubai became a turning point. We delve into the unique struggles black women face in the workplace, the difficult balance of rest and responsibility, and the societal pressures that drive us to overexertion. Through my story, we examine the impact of burnout and the critical importance of setting boundaries for well-being.
In our exploration of accountability and consent, we navigate the complex legal challenges faced by Young Philly, highlighting the importance of understanding facts before forming judgments. The discussion extends to the dynamics of responsible behavior in the public eye and the vital role of teaching children about consent and consequences. Through personal anecdotes and real-world examples, we underscore the necessity of raising emotionally aware children and addressing societal biases. The conversation on personal branding examines the professional relationship between content creators Chunks and Young Philly, advocating for strategic rebranding to protect one's career and legacy.
Career transitions and personal growth take center stage as we reflect on knowing when to walk away to preserve dignity and legacy, inspired by Anthony Joshua's boxing career. We explore the transition from a training contract to a solicitor apprenticeship, emphasizing self-compassion and the creation of supportive communities for black women in professional spaces. Rounding out the episode, I share insights on navigating employment probation, advocating for oneself, and finding peace and happiness through travel. Connect with me on social media for more insights and reach out with your dilemmas as we navigate the complexities of work and life together.
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Music (Intro and Outro) Written and created by Nomadic Star
Burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion caused by prolonged or excessive stress, often related to work. It occurs when someone feels overwhelmed, emotionally drained and unable to meet the constant demands of their job or life responsibilities. Time burnout can reduce productivity, sap energy and make individuals feel increasingly hopeless, detached or cynical about their work, and that is the definition of burnout. Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Toy Talks podcast. My name is Toy Washington and I am the presenter, creator and host of the Toy Talks podcast. We have been running for several years and I have a body of work, a body of podcast episodes that help guide, teach and educate black women how to navigate the world of work and highlight the path of our success. I have so many topics to get through, but before I start, I want to say this those of you who follow me on social media, this wouldn't be new to you, but the reason why I've provided, first of all, if I'm listening, it's because I've got my Invisalign in. Um, I have finished my Invisalign, I'm just doing my teeth whitening and I need my trays to do it, so that's why I may sound a bit not my normal self, um in speech, um. But those of you who follow me on social media, I've been really forthright vocal about the fact that I've been diagnosed with burnout. The incessant tiredness, feeling hopeless, quite helpless, feeling like I'm fighting for time and slipping through my hands physically, feeling that I'm incapable of kind of engaging in in in certain tasks. Keeping things quite simplistic, because anything that overexerts me is is just too much and, quite frankly, overwhelming. Um, the constant feeling of running out of time, helplessness, tiredness, the, the level of exhaustion I can't even describe in words, but the physical um toll that it's taken on me. It has also been, you know, my skin has been unbelievable, like. I've had so many spots. I've never seen so many spots on my face before, um and my hair. So I had um, my hair started thinning after I gave birth and then I noticed that my hair was falling out again and again. I know this is the physical reaction to the burnout.
Speaker 1:I remember having burnout during lockdown and I had just overdone it at work and it was easy to do or lock down effectively working at how many hours God sent, you know, and I was working on a project that was an amazing opportunity but took a lot out of me. So I recognised the symptoms, but this burnout felt a little bit different. I started to feel myself feeling down, teetering on the edge of depression, and that's when I decided to reach out. And I went through my private healthcare. And that's when I decided to reach out and I went through my private health care and they said, yeah, you, you have burnout and we need to work through this burnout. Um, I can sign you off work, you know they. She discussed a few things, but first of all, she asked me to explain. Give her a day in my life and a week in my life. And it's a video call. And she was just, she had shock all over her face and she said Toya, I'm really glad that you've come and you've had this discussion and we've been able to diagnose exactly what this is, but if you had continued, you probably would have had a nervous breakdown, because this is not normal. This is not normally how people can function. So I'm going to need you just to take a step back. That being said, you know the ancestors are amazing, aren't they? Because I had already booked a holiday, or had a holiday booked, for me and my family to celebrate my 40th birthday in Dubai. So I needed the break and it just kind of worked out well.
Speaker 1:I think what I realised during my burnout is number number one there's many women, especially that reached out to me who had either suffered from burnout or currently in burnout. But what I, what I, what became apparent to me is, as black women, we're never afforded rest, when we never. There was something that posted, and effectively it it's. It was me communicating that I've never. I've always been conscious of the fact that I've never felt like I could give myself permission to switch off, and questioning whether I deserve rest, or often feeling guilty for taking rest. My ability to always find something to do, never really being in a state of rest, trauma has always prevented me from feeling like I deserve to rest. So I've been in a perpetual cycle of overexerting myself and as black women, especially in the working world, we know what we have to deal with. So rest is a luxury that we often feel that we're not afforded. But I'm telling you right now that that trauma cycle of not being able to rest is laced in trauma and it you can't sustain it, it's not sustainable. Because what do you know before? I would like we, we have to find a way to find rest, and part of rest is finding peace with whatever is going on around you, and I definitely feel like becoming a new mum, not having a village to support me and my husband, and our village is not in this country, so not having that has been really, really hard, and we're never off at the same time, one of us has to always be on because we don't have that village.
Speaker 1:Number two I think what really shocked me about my burnout was when I stated I had burnout and I was very open about it, even with people around me. There's certain people that did not listen, and they didn't listen because they didn't afford me the respect of giving me my space. They still came with their issues to me and I'm going to be addressing it hopefully that one or two people will hear it on the podcast because I'm just at that point where I can't respect you because you clearly can't respect my boundaries, and this is how we are, and these people are new in my life. It's not like they've been in my life for a really long time, because no one who's been in my life for a long time would ever overstep boundaries, because we have an understanding, but it's the idea that somebody tells you they've got burnout, but yet you're coming to lumber your problems on them. What do you expect me to do? And I literally had to say I am on holiday, I am unavailable, I have burnout.
Speaker 1:And I think what I began to understand is, as black women, there's some of us that don't respect each other's ability to try and rest, because we are ourselves, are in that toxic, perpetual cycle of never actually understanding that we deserve to rest, and actually rest doesn't make us anything other than human. So I'm working through my burnout. It's something I wanted to discuss here because I know there's many people that have suffered or are currently suffering and don't know. I had a couple of messages from people saying Toya, thank you for sharing this definition, because I didn't even know that, because what I was suffering from, I just knew I was going through something. I just didn't know what it was. So I'm really happy that I've been able to share and being able to also use the platform of the podcast to kind of discuss this and have conversation.
Speaker 1:Burnout doesn't make you weak. In fact, it's because you're back, trying to be so strong all the time that your body's saying actually no, psychologically, you're exhausted. Work has been quite overwhelming. I think that you know the transition from being a contractor to being a perm. I think I definitely underestimated the transition. Now, the skills to be able to do it and kind of still adopting a contractor mindset and still really being single minded in carving out and defining what my career looks like has been great. But actually the commitment required to be perm is a lot. I don't know how some of you do it or have done it, and, given that I was perm for a while before I became a contractor, clearly I've forgotten what being a permanent member of staff is like. Um.
Speaker 1:But something that I will say that has been really, really important is flexibility. I will never work in an organization that doesn't provide me with flexibility. It's an underrated benefit to be able to, number one, work from home. Number two, not be micromanaged and feel like I have the flexibility to attend appointments or to log in maybe, I don't know at half nine, ten o'clock, because I've worked late the night before. Just being treated like an adult is an underrated benefit that I think some of us we all think that most places are like that that you work at, but that's not the case. I have emails from people who work in places that can only be described as a military boot camp.
Speaker 1:Amazon has always been bad vibes anyway, so the fact that the CEO had recently announced that all corporate staff should return to the office five days a week, it didn't surprise me. I think what surprises me is the fact that we're living in a day and age whereby no one has learned nothing and I say no one, but the proverbial no one, as in these corporations and companies have learned nothing from the pandemic nothing about their staff, nothing about productivity, nothing about travel, nothing about finances, but what they have done is bided their time increasing what they believe is hybrid working. Three sorry, three to four days a week in the office is not hybrid working. As far as I'm concerned, hybrid working is two days a week. As far as I'm concerned, three days a week is teetering on the edge of turning around to your employees and saying come back to work full-time five days a week. That's what they do. They test the boundaries of five at three days in the office and if no one kicks up a stink, you. You are on a path to five days a week.
Speaker 1:I don't think there's any reason whatsoever, apart from frontline staff and there's certain roles that require you to be in person, and I understand that. But aside from those jobs, I don't see, outside of the exceptions, why anyone should be in the office five days a week. I just don't understand it. I don't get it. I don't see how you can have a work-life balance and be in the office five days a week and maybe people are doing it and that's great, but the majority of what I've read, and based on stats as well I just don't see how traveling two to three hours through congestion, through transport systems especially here in the UK, the London transport system is mad, and then having to gather yourself and then function and then start your day as, especially as a black woman, that's kind of crazy, and I think that it's now shifted to an employer's market and it's been an employee's market for so long, and I really hope that the podcast goes far enough to support you as you navigate the world of work, especially when it comes to flexibility.
Speaker 1:It's something I'm going to speak about a lot, because I don't think that the way we operate, or have operated, where work has consumed our lives, is flexible. It's what companies require from you, but I'm telling you you drop down tomorrow, they sign you off as sick. You're a long-term sick. Whatever the situation is, they will advertise your job quicker than your obituary. They will advertise your job quicker than your obituary Facts. So I think there is an opportunity here to really have a conversation with yourself and be open with yourself about what you expect from an employee or from an organisation. And I get it. When you're starting your career new you feel like you need to take every opportunity or any opportunity. New you feel like you need to take every opportunity or any opportunity. Or if you're starting your career, you feel like you don't have the flexibility because you haven't built up the years. But what you have built up is self-respect and respect of your mental health and your dignity and respect of your ability to be able to balance work and have a life, because life is not work. Balance work and have a life, because life is not work.
Speaker 1:There are many topics to cover and one I want to discuss is young filly, and I haven't actually spoken or mentioned anything on my social media platforms, and the reason is because I've really had, even within myself, really understand what's going on here. Young Philly is an emerging artist. He's a social media content creator. A lot of us know him for his collaborations and ventures that he has had with Chunks. I think Chunks is amazing. I think Chunks is a very interesting character to me and I say character because I don't know him, I just know what is put out there. But young Philly has always been, he's always been.
Speaker 1:I struggle with young Philly, but I will say that the reason why he's catapulted into the news if some of you do not know is because he has been charged with three counts of assault, occasioning bodily harm and four counts of sexual penetration without consent. Let me say this my position and my view. If you're interested, I want to know the facts of the case. We know what he's charged with. We know that he has been granted bail. He has to sign into a police station, I believe three days a week. He's had to surrender his passport, so he has to remain in Australia until December when a court date has been set. We know there is a victim and we know that the way the Australian system works is, even if the victim doesn't want to press charges or maybe she's changed her mind, the court system, their version of the CPS can still pursue charges. Right, but we don't actually know what the facts of the case are. And this doesn't erode the legitimacy of what he's been accused of. It doesn't mean we are victims, damien. What we're saying is that the court of social media opinion does not actually conclude whether somebody is guilty or not, and I'm also saying this because we have had a lot of men be accused of sexual assault and it's found that they're not guilty or they've served time, and then there's been dna evidence that has basically absolved them from any liability, um for what they've been accused of.
Speaker 1:I think that the problem young Philly has is he's stayed young. I don't think he's really matured into the businessman and really understood the magnitude of his social media fame. I think what tends to happen is a lot of these people become famous through social media. They lack sexual discipline, they lack financial discipline, they lack physical discipline within themselves and they lack understanding of the magnitude of their own fame. Some of them become consumed in their own fame and think they're untouchable. But I'm going to say this now you see, when you're moving crazy here in the uk, just understand that when you're moving crazy abroad, there's a different set of laws that are going to govern your behavior. He was um extra work I don't know if the the wording is, I will use the word extradited but um, he was taken from one part of Australia to another to face these charges and apparently this happened. What he's been charged with happened in September. This is in October and I'm going to be really honest with you. Upon research and reading and hearing some of the reports, there's no way they would do that unless they had substantive evidence that they believed that they could get a successful conviction. That's the first.
Speaker 1:Number two I'm so disappointed in young philly that he would allow himself to be in this situation because of poor choice, potentially poor choices. It's a poor choice to be behaving any type of haggardly waywardness in any country, talk less of being abroad doing that. What happened to dignity? What happened to actually taking stock of the fact that you know I'm going to have to move differently here or understanding that Black men and some of the treatment of Black men in comparison to their white counterparts they're different, the treatment is different and we all know how systemic racism and systemic racism operates. We understand that. But there comes a point where you can't just blame race anymore or the social injustices of society. Some of these things that happen are because of poor choices. That happen are because of poor choices.
Speaker 1:You see, trunks is slightly different in the way he operates. I'm not all that character, I don't know him, I mean operates. He's got a marriage, he's settled down and some of you will be like our marriage isn't everything. But we're talking about discipline here. We're talking about he. Listen, trunks is not stupid. Trunks has made very calculated decisions about his career, the things that he's accepted contractually, the things that he has said. Actually, this is against my religion, this is against my personal moral code and values. But him getting married is actually quite poignant and I'll tell you why because there's a discipline that he's now involved in his life. That means he's accountable to somebody. He's now also decided, through his faith and decision to get married form a sexual discipline that is confined to his marriage. Listen, there's a certain status you get to of fame, right, and sometimes, if, if you don't want to get married, cool. But you know what? Find? Find an f? Buddy, a consistent one. When you go putting your willy in every hole that opens to you, you're going to find yourself in problems when you think you are above the law and that you have a right to a woman's body, you're going to find yourself in problems.
Speaker 1:I, personally, I want to hear the evidence against young Philly. I'm reserving my opinion until December. I want to hear from the victim. I want to hear the allegations. I want to hear the allegations. I want to hear the evidence because the court of social media opinion is dangerous because they've already called him p philly and they've already found him guilty. They've already unearthed so many videos that would a view that he has very that young philly has very predatory behavior allegedly and what is sad about this is young philly is is confined to australia until the court date. You do know that if he's found guilty, he will serve his time in australia.
Speaker 1:Listen, whatever extradition treaty there is, the fact is, if you go to another country and you commit a crime and you're found guilty through a legal system and there's no human rights violations or anything like that, believe me, you're serving that time abroad, lonely, alone. The worst part of this is that he will never be able to shake, and I say the worst part because if he is in fact not guilty, he can't shake this. He can't because something happened. There was no smoke without fire. No, he didn't just arrive in australia and then got arrested at the airport. That's not what happened.
Speaker 1:Something happened and they're talking about the restricting this young person her young person, her person's in her 20s, and apparently there may be more than one victim. Restricting someone's breathing was one of the foundational charges. I, I, I, I gonna reserve judgment opinion, but what I am gonna say is please understand, you see, in this uk, where the law is lax, the law is very lax because somebody can, for example, murder somebody, get 10 years and serve five years for good behaviour Good behaviour. But isn't the whole idea of going to prison a punishment? So if you're good during that punishment, okay, but you have to serve your time because you took somebody's life. If you are charged and convicted of something here, the likelihood is that you will not in very extreme cases will you serve the full time. There are some cases where people do not serve the full time and this is the problem with the court system in the uk. It's too lax. There's no consequences. There's no. When I say there's no consequences, there's no sustainable consequences, those consequences are relaxed depending on certain like.
Speaker 1:It's mad to me, but some people take this and they they think they extrapolate this lax law and they go to other countries and move crazy. How many of us have seen certain artists go to the, to Dubai, for example, acting crazy, having full-blown fights on the road? You're, you are sitting on borrowed time because in Dubai they don't play, they are maintaining the civilness. They're upholding their religious belief and dignity and the ability to feel safe, their citizens to feel safe. They have an image to protect. You go over to Dubai, keep doing this craziness. They will arrest you. They'll bang you, bung you up in the prison. Once you've you've stayed at prison, they will decide when your trial is. That's if they want to. Don't go to different countries moving crazy. Think that you're going to have the uk do. The uk don't care about you, especially if you're black as well. The UK don't care.
Speaker 1:But let it be known that if young Philly did this and there's evidence to support it and he's found guilty, I will be without sufficient words. Because why? Why he could have anyone he wants within what he wants. Do, why? Why? Even the way he packages themselves and moves is is weird to me. Like you must hold yourself to a higher level than to be throwing yourself around like this. It's very disappointing, especially because this is somebody who retired his mum. This is someone who changes, changed the trajectory of his family's life, only now for them to wake up to this.
Speaker 1:I woke up to this and I was like I don't, I thought it was a joke. I was like is this one of their stupid, immature pranks? I was like is this one of their stupid, immature pranks? No, this is one of his foolish choices and we are now awaiting the evidence to find out what actually happened. What is the evidence? What has the victim, or victims, has said? What is their account of what happened? Because for me, I cannot conclude somebody is guilty unless I know what the evidence is. I know the charges and I can deduce the choices. And I'm gonna reiterate this saying I'm waiting for the evidence, I want to see this play out in court is not victim blaming, it's not victim shaming and it's not victim doubting. It is. I need this to go through a system for me to understand what's happened and if he is guilty, he should go to prison and serve time, because it will be an example also to people about consent. Listen, you need to be having conversations with your boys, with your girls, about consent as early as they can understand it.
Speaker 1:Even with my daughter's 16 months old, she's very smart. We at this stage are having to lay the foundation of discipline. You can't just take something that doesn't belong to you. I'll give an example of something my daughter loves elmo. She's obsessed with elmo and in nursery they have an elmo teddy and she apparently she sleeps with it when they have nap time. She's always playing around but she knows where the elmo is at any one time in that nursery. So one day I went to go pick her up and she had the elmo doll with her. So they were like oh you know, obviously I don't say my daughter's name, oh, let's call her baby girl. Oh, baby girl, leave the um. I said to my daughter baby girl, leave, leave the teddy. You know, let's go home. She was screaming. She's so upset. So the nurse said oh, you know what you can take it, bring it back tomorrow.
Speaker 1:I said no, she needs to learn that this doesn't belong to her. She needs to learn the discipline of leaving things that don't belong and she also needs to learn how to ask permission for things. So if I'm gonna set the foundation for this, it's gonna start now. At the time she was 16 months. She's 17 months now. They just looked at me. I said discipline doesn't start when she's 16, it starts now, as soon as she starts understanding. No, yes, well, she, she knows when she's done something wrong. She, 100% she knows, because her behavior shows us that she does. When she's able to start understanding about choices, which actually is now I have to start teaching her, because if I don't teach her that that doesn't belong to her, that she can't take it, she's gonna.
Speaker 1:We'll go out somewhere and she'll pick up something from the shelf and put it in her bag and think she can have it. No, that's not how this works. This doesn't belong to you. You leave it here. And when I and I speak to my daughter, just like this, I said this does not belong to you, this is not yours, this belongs to the nursery, this is not yours. So you have to leave it, drop it or go and give it to one of your friends. And that's exactly what she did. She dropped it. She got upset and I rubbed her back. I said it'll be fine, but this is not yours, my love. We reinforce this. Reinforce it anytime.
Speaker 1:I pick her up now, she just drop it. There's no kind of negotiation. I don't negotiate with my 17-month-old. She's a child, she's a baby. I don't need to negotiate with her. I'm setting the foundation of discipline. So, because I saw how she was dealing with that and she was fine, you know she knew what to do. She doesn't. You know, I come and pick her up, she'll drop it. Dad goes and picks her up, she'll drop it.
Speaker 1:I went and bought her her own elmo. It was the elmo I bought was even better than the one in the nursery. So I'm rewarding her behavior and I can see how much she loved it. She just like it so much. I have to lay the foundation first. I also don't want her to think that just because you can't have this, you're going to get yours. No, it doesn't always happen like this. I waited months before I even thought of buying her one, and she was big. She was a very good girl and I want to show her if you work hard for something, you can have it. But the behavior has to equate to the reward and sometimes you're not always going to get rewarded babes, and sometimes she does always get rewarded. That was a. That was a lesson I had to teach her.
Speaker 1:So this is why I'm saying we need to teach consent with boys and the girls from early. You have to teach it from early. If I'm telling you this now, consent is every step of the way. I feel like people think that consent is actually at the point of penetration. It is, but it's also every step of the way. We need to teach consent and what it means. So, every step of the way we need to teach consent and what it means. We need to teach the the you know like not just physical consent, but actual, the actual consent. I want to play. Can we play? Play with our dolls together? You need permission. Some not everybody wants to play with you and then, when they get to that age, appropriateappropriate level of understanding sex, we need to talk to our children about consent and I think that a lot of people leave out that conversation. It's assumed that the child will know.
Speaker 1:When I spoke to you guys, I told you guys I was a parent, I was a governor, um, a parent governor at school, and one of the schools that the um we looked after was a primary school. So we had primary schools and secondary schools, because an academy it is an academy, sorry, and at the age of four, a child understood that physically attacking was wrong and albeit that he had behavioural needs, he was physically attacking the kids, physically attacking these kids, and I'm not talking about hitting them. He was taking objects and physically assaulting these kids. He was going to take things from these kids, physically assaulting these kids. He was going to take things from these kids and it got to a point where the teacher was like I'm actually fearful for the health and safety of these children because when he doesn't get his way, he becomes physical. So, for example, if somebody doesn't want to hug him, he will assault that child.
Speaker 1:You need consent to fit to hug a child. You, four-year-old, you need to be teaching your children. Don't allow listen, let me, let me be real don't allow society to teach your child a lesson that you should have been teaching them the, the lessons and the foundation of that, that, that lesson in the house. Don't let society teach your child because your child will end up in prison because I'm that parent that I'm not going to parent your child for you and I'm not going to tell you where your parenting has gone wrong with your child. If your parenting or lack of parenting affects my child, you've got a problem, there's going to be consequences. Your child will be kicked out of the school because if my child doesn't understand consequences and therefore violates another child in any capacity, my child has to deal with the consequences. Especially if I've laid the foundation and she's made that choice. She's going to have to deal with it.
Speaker 1:Because what we are trying to do here is we're trying to, we are trying to raise Laura Biden consciously aware, emotionally developed children into adults. That's what we're trying to do here, especially when you have a black child, because the rules and the way society operates is completely different for them. So we're trying to teach them on a heightened level, because there's a racial awareness that comes with all of them things. The concern I have when it comes to filliers does he understand concern? Because there's a racial awareness that comes with all of them things. The concern I have when it comes to Philly is does he understand consent? Does he actually understand? Because when we're reading these charges, that's the first thing that comes to my head. Does he understand what consent is and how did consent factor into his interactions with said victim or said victims? Because I'm not accusing him of anything, I just want to understand. Did consent factor into anything, because there was, whether you want to accept it or not, something happened. There was an interaction, sexual or physical. There was an interaction physical. There was an interaction. I want to understand how concerned and I want to understand how he used his judgment. How did you use it? Was there a point in which this person was not happy? How did you assess that? Did you ask questions? These are the things we have to think about. These are the questions, these are the things that we need to educate each other and our kids.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about chunks for a bit. I really like chunks, like I said before, but I'm gonna say this, and if you know chunks, if chance is able to hear this, trunks the only way that you are going to separate yourself from this and I say separate because young philly, you do content creation, your business partners, I believe. So when you see one, you see the other. Because me personally, if I I see I don't, I don't follow young um, I don't follow young philly and trunks. I don't follow Young Philly and Trunks I don't. But whenever I see Trunks, I see Young Philly, I see Young Philly, I see Trunks, and that's it. So we are agreed that they do a lot of content together.
Speaker 1:Trunks I'm saying this as a sister you need to separate yourself from Young Philly Because you cannot bear the consequences of some of his poor choices. He did not, uh, value the status in which god had elevated him to. This is the reason why he's an australian fighting for his life. You need to go through, uh, and this is my humble opinion. I feel like you need to go for a full rebranding, and part of that rebranding is you need to invite us into your life, because I feel like people need to know you a little bit and I understand where you're coming from.
Speaker 1:Privacy, I get all of that, but you two are fighting for your career as well. Inadvertently you are, because your career has been intertwined with Young Philly. So people are going to expect you to talk about young philly and I suggest that you don't have any conversation about young philly when, if he is convicted, you're going to have to give a statement, and that statement should be nothing more than it is disappointing. It is upsetting that somebody I once considered a brother has been convicted of xyz. If he is convicted, if I feel for the victims and I'm praying for him and the victims, and there is no winner out of this situation. That, because that's the truth.
Speaker 1:And then you need to go on a rebranding tour. You need to lose the weight, because you're already on that journey of losing weight, but I think we need to now start seeing that as part of your rebrand. We need to come into your life a bit. You're married. What made you decide to get married? Why have you been so private about your private life? Let us in I say us, I'm I'm not interested. Live your life, bro, but I mean in terms of social media, and I think that you then need to start carving out your own brand off the back of what's happening with young feeling, and I think that you need to also maybe do something on consent, or you know, you work with these brands that talk about consent. Go into schools and have that conversation. That's what I think you need to do.
Speaker 1:That's the truth, because that's the only way you're going to be able to separate yourself from young philly, because you need to be seen as also condemning some of his choices, if indeed he is found guilty. If he is not found guilty, if this is a ploy to ruin young philly, I still think that you need to rebrand. And I still think you need to separate yourself from young philly, because young philly, unfortunately, is making choices that are detrimental to his career. He's not thinking about your career when he's making certain choices or, in fact, aren't, isn't making the right choices, and I think that young, I think that chunks, needs to also recognize that. You know and this is a lesson for all of us, because this is the first thing I thought about when I was thinking about chunks is this you know, when you reach a certain you get to a certain point in your life, right like Like, for example, I've turned 40.
Speaker 1:I've had a child, I got married, I've made certain career choices, I've made certain investment choices, financial investment choices. I've made some life decisions that, fundamentally, are going to affect the rest of my life Me and my family, my daughter, my husband. There's decisions that have been made that we have made to ensure that, secure our daughter's future. Not everybody can come on that journey with you. Now, that's not to say you know that some people are hey when they people say, oh, they're married so they only can have married friends. That's rubbish. I have people, I have friends who are not married, but what I will not keep company with is wild people, chaotic people.
Speaker 1:I had chaotic people in my life when I was. I was in my 20s, being chaotic and living the chaotic life and that was fine. But I I need peace and I attract peace in my life. So I'm quite happy for you to live your life, be single. I don't care what you do, do, what you're doing. But if you are wild, yeah, you can't be in my life.
Speaker 1:And wild is you make wild choices. Your life is wild. There's no peace in your life. It's chaos, chaos, problem, problem. Every day you want to sit on the phone for three hours. I don't have that time. Those people I cut off or they've just disappeared because our life is different.
Speaker 1:Now, in fact, I get joy. I've just stayed in my house. I don't. I typically don't leave my house. I don't like leaving my house. My house is very comfortable. I've made it comfortable so that I don't have to leave my house unless I need to. I don't like going out all the time. I don't like going um eating out all the time because I can cook. I like my cooking, do you understand? Typically, when I go out, it's to do with my daughter. So if it's soft play. If it's pumpkin patch, I'm booking for my daughter. If it's like birthday parties, those are the choices I'm choosing to make In my spare time, outside of work.
Speaker 1:I've got my businesses that I run. That's how I spend my time. So my friends are quite like-minded. Um, a lot of my friends are business people, entrepreneurs. Um, they're not all married. They don't all have children. They all lived, if. We all live different lives, but one thing that is common, a commonality with all of us, is peace. We're very peaceful people. In fact, I don't have to speak to them three, four months, but once we speak, it's like we've been speaking every week or every day, like we message all the time. A lot of my friends we send voice notes.
Speaker 1:Because I don't have time to sit on the phone for an hour. I don't have an hour. If I have an hour, I'm recording a podcast. If I have an hour, I'm doing certain things on my business. Do you understand what I I'm trying to say? So, chunks, you really need to think about the people that you keep around you, because where you are in your life and what you're doing and the trajectory you're going in is very different to this guy, young Philly.
Speaker 1:Young Philly is about he's single, he's making poor choices and he's very wild. That's what I get from him and what I see from him and the conversations he has that are actually recorded. He's very wild. So you that is going into businessman, settling down, you know um investing all of this, young philly's not really there. He's, he's. He's still in his party. I don't give a f error, but you're in your faves like come on, do you understand? Like I'm not saying cut young philly off, but you should have distanced yourself a long time ago from him and started to forge your own identity away from him, because he is in an era whereby I think he's still very overwhelmed at the fact that he has all this fame and therefore he's making poor choices.
Speaker 1:And because of those poor choices, you've got brand deals. The only one that is waiting for the verdict so far is Foot Asylum. They've suspended Youngfeeley's contract. All the other ones have pulled, pulled their contracts. M&s, I was told he had a contract. Is it? M&s? I was told he had a contract with the youth or something. Anyway, they've cut that out. Do you understand? Because of what the brands are actually saying is we do not want to be affiliated with poor decisions. So you as an individual, chunks, and anyone who's around him.
Speaker 1:Before this happened, you should have really been assessing this wild behavior, and I've seen on social media people are like, oh, his friends should have checked him when he said wild things. That is true, but his friends are not responsible for him. His friends are responsible for themselves, and his friends should have especially the ones that are in the same industry should have been stepping back from him a little bit, pulling back a little bit so that they can make decisions about their careers that weren't intertwined with young feeling. That's all I'm saying, and I think there's a lesson here for all of us to learn that when your trajectory or when your decisions are intertwined, or when your thing is intertwined with somebody else, you have to start thinking about how you're going to carve your own identity, because you can't fully rely that this other person is going to make sensible decisions.
Speaker 1:Personally, for me, I'm going to be really real. I've got trust issues anyway. That's why I've never had a business partner. That's why the podcast was always meant to be me and someone else, but I was like no, if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it because I and I know that a lot of this comes from trauma. I'm aware of that, but I'm also aware, and hyper aware, that I've had to make decisions either to remove people from my life, for me to disappear, or for me to slowly fall away, because I understood the trajectory of where my life and career was going.
Speaker 1:This other person or these other people their life is just chaotic, and I'm not judging them. That's how they live in their life. I passed that chaotic stage of my life. When I was in the chaotic stage of my life, me and these people were five and six. Now we're not even one to one to four, because the priorities are different. And it doesn't mean that you're any better than that person or that person any better than you. It just means that the commonality of peace that I'm going to need with people in my life is not there. And whilst this person, I can pick up the phone and call or whatever, I can't have this person intertwined in my life because what they bring is not what I need for this stage of my life. That's where I sit. You can ask, listen, you can ask anyone around me.
Speaker 1:I know a lot of people, but I don't have a lot of friends, my friends I can count on my left hand. I have certain things like don't waste my time. I don't have a lot of time, so the time I have is very precious. Don't waste my fucking time. I've said this before Don't waste my time. If I feel like you're wasting my time, you're not my enemy. I just remove the ability for you to waste my time and I remove the ability for you to do it again. I know I'm a very good friend, but equally, I also know that when it comes to what I need from friends, I've not always received that, because I've always been the giver. So the way I operate now is if there is an issue, I'm going to scream it out. If I'm going through burnout and I need support, I'm going to. And if you're incapable or unable to support me, I get it. But don't expect me to meet you on the hill that you failed to meet me on. That's, that's, that's it. We can still be cool, we are always going to be cool, but we are not meeting on the hill. We're not meeting on the hill. That's that, that's it.
Speaker 1:Um, and one thing I will also say is through marriage, I think, especially when I had my daughter I lost a lot of friends. I did. There was a lot of people that came to my wedding that we were friends. We've been friends for years and as soon as I had my daughter I didn't hear from. You're not my enemy, but I understand. Maybe for you it's like, oh, I don't want to be friends with somebody who has a newborn, because that's a lot. I've been through that so I just don't, I don't want that and that's. I have no issue with that. But I understand. But I also understand from on a spiritual level how god positions you and positions you to learn certain lessons, to go through certain things and to develop in a certain way. I get all of that. I have who I need around me, facts moving on. So I have been where I've been, so obviously I can't think of my words out.
Speaker 1:So I have gone perm and we discussed in a previous episode the decision to go perm why, how, what and um. The dynamic is interesting because the team I work on so I've got two teams, so it's a consultancy kind of situation and I was when I joined I was benched. I was only benched for a couple of weeks and the actual team. I belong to the central team. We're all really, really different, but it works. The personalities I mean we can get into that in another episode. It's just very different.
Speaker 1:And I feel like when you're in a new team because we was a new team and put together because there was certain work that was coming out of this organization and it needed to be served by a team that didn't exist, and then that's why we were all created, that's why the team was created, sorry. So what's happened is you've got so many varying personalities. Some people have been there for a really long time, others are quite new. Um, I'm a new joiner, so what you have is you have a lot of um, what do you call it? Not clucking, we have it feathering. What do you call it? You know, like you know, when the cockerel is, he's got his neck up, so he's cocking. You understand, is that what they call it? Anyway, they're trying to shine their show, their feathers. We've got a couple of those and I'm one of those people who I get with everybody, um, but don't play with me.
Speaker 1:That's that's how I come across. I get everybody, don't play with me. That's how I come across. I get up, everybody, don't play with me. I'm not easily accessible to people because I need my respect. If you feel that I'm easily accessible, you'll start disrespecting me. I don't want you to feel that you can just put time in my diary. You will send me an instant message and ask me if you can put time in my diary. You don't just get to Zoom there. And I've set my boundaries really clearly because I respect everybody and I expect that respect back.
Speaker 1:But sometimes I feel like, especially when you're going to a new organization, you go perm there's a level of emotional investment you need as a perm that, to be honest, I don't really have that capacity to give that emotional investment. So what I have done is adopted my contractor mindset I'm giving enough but not giving a lot, because I'm also trying to figure out long term. Is this where I want to be? It's a great place. Um, if I wanted to be here long term, but I'm still figuring things out. I've been here for six months.
Speaker 1:So I've been on probation for six months and when I got to the end of what would be my probation period, I reached out to my line manager and I was like listen, I'm in my probation period. Um, do I get some type of confirmation. And he said oh no, no, no, you get nothing. It's just that if there was a concern and I raised it, then we would go ahead and extend it. I didn't say anything to him. I was like, oh OK, cool, you're dealing with somebody who is not only a commercial contract manager, you're dealing with somebody who is a contract specialist when it comes to employment. You know, my resume speaks for itself. Just go listen to the podcast. I've been doing this.
Speaker 1:I know for a fact that when you go through a probation period, you need a confirmation that you've passed. Don't assume that you've passed, because I tell you why in your contracts in most contracts not all most contracts the confirmation that you've passed your probation is intertwined with unlocking other benefits. So, for example, maybe during your probation period you get 20 days holiday, but once your probation has confirmed as passed, then you unlock another 10 days, for example. What I'm trying to say here is that that confirmation that you've passed has to be in writing, because usually it is attached to other things, but also, as well, it's also attached to termination rights. So during your probation period you'll find that you have a shorter termination, so you could terminate your employment contract with four weeks notice and it'll be mutual so that the organisation can terminate within four weeks notice. But once you've passed your probation and you're confirmed as quote unquote PAM, you may need to give three months and it may be mutual.
Speaker 1:But the point of the matter is it's your job to understand your employment and know your employment contract. It's not HR's, it's not your line managers, it's yours. So I looked at my contract and I'd already seen it there. But I just wanted to confirm and it was very clear that it needs to be confirmed in writing and the section is clear and in a way, the reason why I haven't gone to my boss yet is because I'm also trying to figure out do I still want to stay here? I I might go to them and say can you extend my probation? I've done it before. I've gone to organization before asking to extend my probation. They almost lost their minds. Oh yeah, I've done that. I need you to understand organisation before asking them to extend my probation. They almost lost their minds. Oh yeah, I've done that. I need you to understand. We're both on probation. You think this probation is one way. This probation is two ways, mutual. It's mutual that six months.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to assess whether I can work with you, whether this is the team for me and whether I want to be line managed by you. Is this organisation and the ecosystem of this organisation does it work for me and whether I want to be line managed by you. Is this organization and the ecosystem of this organization does it work for me? Does this organization give me the flexibility I need to have a work-life balance? Do I get the development that I want or see myself needing to be able to get to the next level? Is the next level here? In fact, can I just use this organization to get xyz and then boom, I'm out like is this a healthy environment for me? Is this conducive for work? Now I'm looking at the industry. Is the money I'm receiving fair? These are all the things and all the questions, plus more, that you should be asking during your probation period.
Speaker 1:Now I've got the masterclass passed in your probation and live and breathe it. I've got that feedback folder, I've got that burn folder and also I've got that understanding of what I need during a probation period in order for me to want to stay. So I've just come back from holiday. I kind of didn't really want to be talking to no one at work. I just wanted to be in the background. So on Monday I'll be calling my boss and I'm going to be putting it in writing and I'm going to copy HR. I took the screenshots where my boss said I passed my probation and I thought, yeah, I'll put that in my feedback folder, because you never know.
Speaker 1:You see some of these OURO people. Their memory sometimes is short and also people are crazy. I've just worked in so many organizations where I think people bring them. My boss is lovely. He's very, very like nice. He's very lovely, but he has a very lizard fear attitude when it comes to contracts and I don't like that. It doesn't work for me. I've got dependent. It don't work for me.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to send him an email now. I'm going to have a call with him and I'm going to send him an email, and I know he's not going to like that. But I don't care, because they can as it stands now they can come to me say you know what, toya, thank you for your service, but it's not working. They could I know they they won't, but they could. It's what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1:At the end of the day your destiny. You are the architect of your own career. Don't put your destiny into an organisation's hands. I've always told you that Don't do that. So I'll send an email and I'll give him the section in my contract and I'm going to copy HR and say thank you, xyz, my boss, for confirming I've passed my probation. However, within my employment contract, under section da-da-da, I need confirmation in writing from HR that this is indeed the case, as it unlocks xyz benefits, but also it's the standard process of how your employment contracts operate. Please, can you advise when I would receive this? As it currently stands, I'm still on probation terms and conditions. Put it there because I have to let them know that we are both on on probation terms and conditions. The other conditions, conditions of employment, haven't been unlocked yet because I haven't had confirmation that I've passed my probation.
Speaker 1:Let this be a lesson to all of you that are waiting for HR to get in contact with you. Please, please, take control of your career. Don't allow yourself to get so comfortable or don't allow yourself to think that processes operate in an organised way. That's not how it goes. Everything needs to be in writing. Write it down, screenshot, screenshots. Yeah, feedback board. I'll tell you you've done amazing.
Speaker 1:Listen, when I finished one of my projects and we delivered on a project, the senior people on that project sent me a beautiful messages on teams. Why don't you send it on email? Copy my boss? No problem, I will screenshot. You're gonna give me that bonus. Oh yeah, I got bonus.
Speaker 1:By the way, I got my. I got two pay rises and two bonuses. Yes, I did. I've been there for six months. Don't try me. Listen.
Speaker 1:One thing I'm gonna say to you is this I will never advise you. I will never come on here, create this body of work, information and source of knowledge without living it. I've lived it. The only thing is I'm not shouting from the rooftops of certain things that I've been able to achieve. I've been in this place for six months and the things I've been able to achieve in six months. Even my husband's like what the hell? When I say and he, he says it, he's like toya, once you become a subject matter expert, that is the power, that's the power source.
Speaker 1:I said yes, and you have to just know that you're the shit, especially as a black woman. You have to believe in yourself. Your self confidence has to be present, because I have been in rooms and and meetings and team meetings where they just ignore me. They'll say, oh, let's introduce ourselves and they'll go around the, around the teams. You can see my big face, but you just ignore me. They don't want to see us there or where the client is. So the microaggression of the client is so crazy that they will speak to everybody else but me and I'm in the room. Do you know how crazy that is? Do you know how fucking crazy that is? You have to have the developed self-confidence to not allow your ego to literally fight for you, because in them situations my ego wants to fight for me, but I'm like. You know what ego rest. You need to be on ice, luckily, and from a space of understanding how to navigate the world of work.
Speaker 1:The project team. When I'm deployed on a project, typically the project team are amazing. I get on with my project team. I respect them. Being a subject matter expert in their area, I set the tone on how I want to communicate with them. I want you to respect me the way I'm going to respect you and they. They advocate for me in ways I've never had to. So in situation where the client ignores you, whatever they'll be like, no, no, we have our um commercial lead here. She can discuss that. Oh no, no, that's commercial. They'll come to me. So I'm not having to introduce myself, I'm not having to fight to be heard. They will bring me in.
Speaker 1:And luckily and by god's grace that one of the things I wanted in an organization is diversity, and diversity isn't just seeing black people. I need to see other cultures, other races. I've been really clear within myself I need diversity. I understand that, especially on my project I'm I'm the only black person in my team. I'm the only black person, and sometimes I don't realize it until I'm in situations where it's obvious that I'm being treated differently. Do you understand? Then I'm really, then I'm in situations where it's obvious that I'm being treated differently. Do you understand? Then I'm really, then I'm, then I'm conscious of being the only one, if that makes sense. That's. That's exhausting as well. That is exhausting. But I've also learned that that is not my, but I, I, that's not my battle. Especially when you're in a project team where you're valued and where they'll advocate for you.
Speaker 1:Sometimes your ego needs to just be on ice and let those people bring you in. That's one thing. Number two. My work speaks for itself. My work speaks for itself OK. And being a subject matter expert is also taking the time to learn your craft and understand that you're never going to learn know your craft a thousand percent. There's always going to be something. You learn new because you're evolving, your industry is evolving and developing and because of that, you're staying abreast and conscious of the changes. It's really really, really, really important that you understand that you being a subject matter expert doesn't mean you don't need to know everything inside out. You just need to know it enough, more than everybody else on the team. You need to know it enough that you're willing to keep abreast of the changes and keep yourself current. That's what makes a good subject matter expert, in my opinion.
Speaker 1:Um, I say all this to say that I recently turned 40 and it's so weird because my 30s have been amazing. My 30s I've invested in more property, I've developed my businesses, I got married, had a child, I've made certain life decisions that have been really difficult, but has led to peace and led to freedom and led to me being able to realise some of my blessings and not feel guilty for some of them. And it's been hard in my 30s because I've had to walk away from relationships. I've had to confront a lot of trauma. Getting married without my dad was really difficult. Walking away from my mum and my brothers was really hard, but I was no longer willing to continue um mistreated and have the toxicity perpetuated. I never thought that I would get married with my mom, especially after my dad died. I never thought that. But I realized that if I didn't make that decision I'd never get married, because I don't necessarily think that a lot of the things that were done was in support of me.
Speaker 1:Um, my deal with the demise of the mother daughter relationship and having to work through that was really difficult to go. No contact with my mum has been really, really hard, and it's been hard because now I'm a mum, the bar of what I expect of my mum was legitimate and my mum has let me down and I've had to acknowledge that. My mum's let me down because, unfortunately, my mum has had to meet me where and mostly where she sits. Um, but I would make the decision over and over again. It'll be the same decision because ultimately I have peace in my life.
Speaker 1:My daughter deserves a mum that's not only just going to break generational curses, but it's going to be a conscious mother and I'm a conscious mother. I am aware of where I wasn't best served as a, as a daughter, but where my daughter deserves even more. I understand what my mother, my mother, looks like and I'm mothering my daughter according to her needs and I'm mothering her according to being her being better than me. I want my daughter to be better than me. I want her to make better choices than me. I want to give my daughter the example of understanding that it's okay to be a free thinker and actually agreeing with me. Um is okay, but as long as you know why you're agreeing with me.
Speaker 1:I don't want my daughter to ever think that she has to fight for my love or that my love is contingent on something, because it's not. My love is free for her and to her. Um. And also, there's going to come a point where I'm going to have to have a conversation with my daughter when she asked me about her grandparents and obviously, when it comes to my dad, my dad wasn't perfect, but he was a good parent. I can say, on a balance, he was a good parent, but I I'm gonna have to have a conversation with my daughter about my mum, um and the demise of that relationship, and it has to be an age-appropriate conversation.
Speaker 1:But equally, I think what I want to communicate to my daughter is when somebody compromises your mental health, you have to choose yourself. You've got to run, you've got to pick your mental health, you've got to get to a point that you step in to defend yourself before your mental health has been compromised. And I think that I don't hate my mum, you know. I just really feel sorry for her because she must understand that when your child walks away from you, decide to go, no contact, when you have done things and said things that are deplorable, you have to live with that. I don't have to live with it. I've chosen to walk away.
Speaker 1:But when you close your door, you're going to have to have the introspection to think about the decisions that you've made and why you've made them. And you have to hold yourself accountable. And if you choose not to, that's the reason why you're made and why you've made them. And you have to hold yourself accountable. And if you choose not to, that's the reason why you're not going to have a relationship with your children. You're not always right, god didn't say. Because you're a parent, you're always right. You're a human being. You're going to get things wrong. But abusing the position of a parent like when you're a parent and you abuse that position you'll run the risk of children walking away from you, because nobody wants to be in a sustained, perpetual cycle of toxicity for the rest of their life. And if and for me, I feel like if I didn't walk away, I wouldn't have the life I have now. That's the truth. I wouldn't. And whilst my life is not perfect, it's bloody peaceful and I love peace.
Speaker 1:Um, I recently went to Dubai and I'm not going to labour the point too much, because I know that you're my tribe, you're my vibe, you're my sisters and my brothers. We're all in this together. We speak the same, we speak the same language. Please, please, please, please, um, especially black women, black men, travel. Travel is important. It's important for us to see the world. It's important for us to understand other cultures, for us to see the world. It's important for us to understand other cultures. It's important for the world itself and cultures to also see us.
Speaker 1:We recently went to Dubai and this is the second time I've been to Dubai. Dubai is one of my favourite places, albeit that I feel like it's becoming overly touristy. So I'm looking at the rest of the UAE to travel to and we stayed at, um, the Atlantis Hotel, and the Atlantis Hotel is amazing. It's, especially when it comes to children. It's amazing hotel for children. It's huge, it's it's a five-star hotel. It's just, it's wicked and I feel like once in your lifetime you have to go to the Atlantis.
Speaker 1:So that was my daughter. She's like mommy I should have kept it rolling so you could hear her. She speaks, she's 17 months and her enunciation is amazing and, honestly, I thank god, almighty for k, my husband, her dad, because he really is on her education and me, I'm, I'm, I support it. You know, I do the follow through, the practicing, but the dad lays the foundation and we love him and he does all the practicing. He's got a little curriculum for her, which I think is amazing anyway.
Speaker 1:So we went to Atlantis and it's an amazing hotel. We were treated really well, but I think what I didn't realise is that, um, there wasn't a lot of black people there. We didn't see a lot of black people there and, to be honest with you don't get it twisted there's other hotels I've stayed at in Dubai and I see ourselves there and it's amazing. I love it and I love going on holiday and seeing us, because I know how much we work hard to be able to afford these things and we get it, don't we? When we see, we see ourselves, we understand and basically a lot of the people that work there, especially the security guard. So at the Atlantis they also have people who are not staying at the hotel that can come into the Atlantis because Atlantis also has water park. It has a massive water park.
Speaker 1:It's amazing, like, honestly, like we've said already, when we go to Dubai again, we might not stay at the Atlantis, we'll stay maybe somewhere close and then go for the day, because you could do that too. So we just found that whenever we like went to the water park and went somewhere, come back to hotel, or whenever we're going through the hotel, we're always stopped and asked if we're staying at the hotel, whereas other people we noticed who weren't black, were not being asked or it was obvious how they were assessing us and me and k would you know we, we. It was like what often ducks back to us because, number one, we knew we were staying there, but the psychology of it was actually quite interesting. It's the idea that a lot of people have a stereotype of black people, or where black people will be staying on, what they're doing or why they're there stereotype of black people or where black people will be staying or what they're doing or why they're there. And actually we did not fall into their stereotype. We saw probably in total three other black families in the whole of the hotel and it's a massive hotel. Go go do your research. It's huge. And it just was very evident to us that. And and it was usually the black security guards who were like that with us and I said to k I said you know, this is a form of mental slavery where the colonizer basically teaches, or almost teaches everyone, or communicates in the most passive, aggressive way, that black people are undeserving of good things or nice things.
Speaker 1:So when you see them enjoying some level of opulence or good thing, you question number one if they're deserving number one, is it theirs? Or number one like or number two like? Is this really true? And we need to find out more. And this is why I say that black people need to travel. We need to go to places because we're doing well as a community. We are doing well in as a community. I feel like in silo pockets. We're doing well, but our community is very disjointed. We know the issues that are infiltrating our community, but we need to travel. They need to see us internationally because they have a stereotype about black people. I don't know if it's from the news media or whether the colonizer has really just infiltrated some of these countries and just really like roasting us and making us seem like we ain't the shit when we are. We need to be present in certain spaces where they're not used to seeing us, because it makes them uncomfortable. They think we don't deserve to be there To be assessed in a way that, like the way one security guard was assessing us, like what are they doing here?
Speaker 1:They must be up to no good. With my daughter in the pram going about our business and then watching him decide whether he was going to confront us was crazy. But again, it's a form of mental slavery. The way he sees it. We should be serving the colonizer, but we're not serving them. We're here on holiday and he's trying to understand are you even staying at this hotel? Because why are you here? But you're not asking anybody else why they're here. It's us, your own is who you're coming to interrogate.
Speaker 1:I was ready for him to interrogate and I would have said to him what in the mental slavery are you doing? Why are you interrogating? I would have said why are you doing? What is all of this? And it's crazy. Because the hotel, they do certain things so you, that people will know you stay there. So they'll give you like a beach bag and if you see the beach bag, you to have that beach bag, you have to be staying at the hotel. So I would deliberately put the beach bag underneath the buggy and turn it around.
Speaker 1:Yes, because I, the way I look at it, is this I, I am confident in the fact that I'm staying at this hotel. I don't feel like I need to prove myself. And if you're gonna ask me, that's fine, but you have to ask everyone else. So if you're not asking everyone else, you're gonna be making it obvious that you're just coming to me. Then you're inviting the question why are you asking me and you're not asking anybody else if they're staying at the hotel? Do you understand?
Speaker 1:But the lesson here is more about number one. The Atlantis Hotel is a lovely hotel. I had a great time. My daughter had a great time. My husband had a great time. It was an amazing experience. Dubai was amazing experience. I'm so blessed to have spent my 40th birthday with my family abroad. I've always said I never want to be in the country celebrating my birthday, so hopefully, by the grace of God, one can make sure we're away. But number two I think is important as a community, as black people as especially us black people who are conscious about traveling and expanding our knowledge you, we need to travel more. We need to enjoy opulence. Yeah, we need to be going to some of these untouched countries and really enjoying ourselves and enjoying life. That's how, when I see a lot of us on holiday, I really am smiling from my heart because I'm like yes, sister, yes, brother, go and enjoy that trip, go and enjoy yourself.
Speaker 1:And for you, bad mind people that see people on holiday and asking them when they're coming back, what are they coming back for? Leave people alone. When you see people on holiday oh, you didn't tell me you were going on holiday why should the person tell you they're going on holiday, please? Who are you? Are you border control? Are you passport control? Are you a holiday vigilante? Who are you like. Why can't you just allow people just to enjoy their life? You don't know if that person's saved up for that holiday for the past five years. That person just wants to go on holiday.
Speaker 1:One thing I'm going to tell you about me I never tell anyone when I'm going away, and if I, if you, if you're close enough to me to know you're going on holiday, it's probably one or two people that know the date I'm traveling. Otherwise, my fellow people, we know ourselves culturally. We don't do those things right. Okay, how many times I get a message in my dms, in my instagram, on my holiday? Toya, what hotel are you staying at? Are you all right? Is your frontal lobe okay? So I'm gonna tell you where I'm staying at. Are you all right? Oh, I didn't know you were going away for your 40, sorry. Do you know my national insurance number? What's my passport number? Since you, you think you need to know who are you.
Speaker 1:Please, let's all allow people to enjoy their life. If people are on holiday, don't tell them what's going on in the uk, because clearly they're not in the uk on holiday. Don't tell them what's going on in the UK because clearly they're not in the UK because they don't want to know what's going on in the UK. When somebody's enjoying their life, they're going on holiday because UK is perpetual bad vibes. Okay, it's cold, it's miserable, it's winter, and when it's not cold, miserable and winter politics alone and the taxes we pay is enough to make anybody want to go on holiday every single day. Leave people to enjoy their life. In fact, if you cannot celebrate somebody's ability to go on holiday, shut up, shut up. Leave people alone.
Speaker 1:And this is what I feel like is problem in our society, and it's not just a community issue, it's a. It's a. It's a. It's a citizen-wide issue. Leave people to enjoy their life. When you see people doing tiktoks and they're stepping into their holiday, if you can't clap for them, stop following them. Leave people alone. Why do people need to tell you like they need to ask permission? It's because you feel like you need to know so you can mentally be okay with them having a level of enjoyment that you're not experiencing. It's fucking weird. It's fucking weird and it's rooted in jealousy and entitlement. You need to go and get help for that. Anyway, moving on, there's a lot going on.
Speaker 1:Who watched the Kamala and Trump debate? The psychology of that was amazing and I wish I'd done a podcast about it at the time, because I feel like now it's coming up to the presidential elections, no one's really thinking about the debate anymore. But my thing is the learning lessons. It's not always about what is hot and current at the time. What I will say is strategy. Go and see, watch kamala harris's strategy as soon as she introduced herself to trump, and she went and shook his hand. I said he's done because she took control of that debate and whilst I don't think she's great at debates, I think the way she handled the debate was very good. She leaned into her natural ability to just be able to relate to the common man, if you like, or the common woman, and actually she came with a strategy and Trump didn't.
Speaker 1:And in the world of work, we need to approach work with a strategy and Trump didn't. And in the world of work, we need to approach work with a strategy, and the strategy is this is what I'm trying to achieve, these are my objectives and once I've obtained them, I'm either staying or moving on. You need to be in charge from the get-go and if you haven't always felt in charge from beginning, you need to take control from now. You're the architect of your career. Your boss isn't, your organization isn't. You are I. I've got two more points. I'm I'm gonna end the podcast with a email of gratitude that I received that really touched my heart. But I also want to end with this anthony joshua. He lost his recent fight and you know what the learning lesson here is with Anthony Joshua. You need to know when it's time to walk away. You need to know when it's time to retire.
Speaker 1:There is a power in leaving on a high. There is a power of knowing when your assignment has been concluded. Legacy is really important, and reputation in terms of being known as something and someone or having set the bar, is really important. So, in being a subject matter expert in what I do, I've had to learn, especially through contracting, of when to leave, because organisations will renew and renew and renew, but they get a point where you have to get to an understanding of have I best served the objective in which I have engaged in? Have I achieved everything I wanted to and have I gotten to a point whereby I've gotten everything I need from this and it's time to move on? Because when you're moving on, for me personally, when I'm moving on. I'm moving on with my respect and my dignity. I'm not allowing you to get fed up with me. I'm not allowing you to push me out. I'm not allowing you to define how I leave. I'm defining it myself.
Speaker 1:Anthony Joshua, I think his biggest issue is ego. All of us have it, but it's actually actually knowing when your ego is present and being able to navigate your own ego is very important. Anthony Joshua is a an amazing boxer. Amazing especially from where he came from, what he's been able to build and develop, the brand deals, the amazing fights that he's had. But I've always said that his issue is he's a very arrogant person. There's nothing wrong with being arrogant, by the way, but when that arrogant arrogance prevents you from seeing or being clear over your destiny, that becomes a problem. No-transcript his title. So he has to fight to get it back. Then he has to fight to retain it. Then he has to fight constantly for the doubters and the naysayers. And then he has to fight because his own ego has to know that he's deserving of what he had initially lost. It's not a fighting. I'm fucking tired.
Speaker 1:Let me be really honest with you. I've've worked for some amazing organisations, one of which was Goldman Sachs, and I got to a point in my life where I understood a very key lesson you need to sign your own ending. So you know, like a book might may say the end, you have to define your own ending in any organization and for me, I make a promise to myself I'm gonna go on my terms, I'm going to set the tone of how I leave and I'm also going to maintain a level of integrity when I go in any organization, because there is something about your self-confidence that needs to be watered and when you look back, you know that actually I left on my own terms and actually, if I want to go back, that's my choice too. Do you understand People?
Speaker 1:Wanting you to stay is a great feeling, but you don't have to always stay to serve somebody else's needs. Does it serve your need? If you do not know when to go, you will leave in shame. If you do not know when it's time to leave, you will leave with headache. And I'm sitting here in front of you telling you I can't remember the last time I left in headache. I can't, because the lesson that I learned is what I live by today.
Speaker 1:There's gonna listen where I'm working now. It's an amazing place. There's gonna come a point where I'm gonna get time to be like this is no longer serving me. Do you know how it? How it feeds my ego when I'm leaving and they're like, oh toyah, can you stay? My heart so love you, must, we all love it, because our ego, our ego needs to be watered and our ego needs to be, uh, adorned. I know this, but I never allowed my ego to be at the forefront of my decision making.
Speaker 1:So even the last place where I was contracted listen, I had a long contract, you know, and that organization was, listen, on my cv. It is, it's a conversation style, mate, right, but I got to a point where I made the decision, I was like, all right, it served a purpose, because I knew why I took that place. Do I need to go perm? No, I don't. But I'm looking at the long-term goal for my career and the objectives I set for myself, especially on my manifestation and my vision board. Even though these people don't want me to leave, they'll give me an extended contract if I wanted to. This is the right time and they did everything to try and make me stay and I was like you know what I can't. It's time to go. And some organizations they take it personally and we've discussed this before. But this organization they didn't. They understood and they really supported me. If I was to go back now and say I need a job, don't give me a job. I left on my own terms and even if they weren't happy that I left, the fact is it's still my own terms. You can't just boot me out.
Speaker 1:The problem with anthony joshua is now it's not his terms. He didn't retire. Retiring would be his own terms. But now he can't even retire in peace and I don't know whether all this boxing has knocked his head that he's not been able to think straight about what his career objectives are. You cannot be boxing. There's a certain age of boxing. You can't be boxing anymore. Come on, I need you commentating. I need brand deals. I need you to do some stuff on social media. I need you to rake in that residual income because it's not everyday boxing.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to end it by saying TI recently announced that he was retiring. He said he no longer needs the money. He hasn't got time to be dancing up and down and performing for people no more. That it's time for him to retire. That's how you go up on your own terms. He doesn't want to be 60, 70 years old parading himself and dancing and screaming up and down the stage his words. He doesn't want to. He doesn't. Now it's time for ti to do those endorsement deals. It's time, and he was doing that before. But you know what I mean. Work on anything else that will give him money very easily. He doesn't he. Now he recognizes that it's time for him to go out on his own terms, and so he's therefore retiring. I to go out on his own terms, and so he's therefore retiring. I think he's got his last show in December. That's how you do it.
Speaker 1:So, before we end the podcast, hopefully you guys have taken some learning lessons and certain situations that I've discussed on here or certain topics I've discussed on here. You're able to kind of take them into the world of work, learn, build upon them, and I think a lot of topics I've discussed here are not only important, but it's important for us to also recognize number one the company we keep. Number two how our ego shows up. Number three, how to best serve ourselves in terms of navigating the world of work. Number four I think it's also important for us to really recognize the importance of self-confidence, especially as we navigate the world of work, and there's so many other themes and lessons in this podcast.
Speaker 1:So a young lady wrote a dilemma a while ago and she was talking about she's a trainee and she had got a training contract. I believe it was in Manchester. Her partner got a training contract, like I remember her. Anyway. She sent me a follow-up email and she's entitled it thank you and training contract update. Hi Toya, I hope you and Kay and baby TK are doing very well, sending you all lots of love. I wanted to express my gratitude for your podcast.
Speaker 1:This is a follow-up to my previous dilemma. I have many questions as I navigate my training contract, but your older episodes, even those from four years ago, provide the answers I need. Recently, a colleague of mine, a black man, left the firm, which has left me feeling a bit anxious, especially since I am now the only black person in my team. No one has asked me how this has made me feel or explanations to why he left the firm. Also, my supervisor is quite relaxed and I've had to schedule catch-ups with him in the diary myself because he hasn't taken the initiative.
Speaker 1:My current seat is in government and infrastructure, specialising in procurement. The other trainees have mentioned that the seat is typically reserved third or fourth seat due to its complexity. The other trainee in my team is in her third seat, so I don't know why they placed me here. I've tried to remain positive, but it has been challenging. They expect me to understand it all quickly, despite the work being unlike anything else I've ever studied before. Additionally, the training contract has changed to a graduate solicitor apprenticeship just one week before I started at the firm, meaning I'll be balancing work and studying for the SQE1 and 2 exams at the same time.
Speaker 1:I'm not complaining about this, I just wanted to share. I am I am so determined to qualify so I didn't even see this as an issue. I just want to say that, even if it is an issue, that's also okay, because you're balancing work and study and I've done it and it's hard and it's especially when you didn't intend to. It's. As black women, I feel like we always regulate ourselves from expressing some negativity because we don't want to be seen as being ungrateful. But it's okay to say that it's a lot, because this is a lot and you're doing a lot and you're doing amazing. I want to emphasize that this isn't a dilemma, just an update on my experience so far.
Speaker 1:I truly appreciate your episodes because these topics are not often discussed amongst black women around me. They tend to focus on marriage or children, which is fine, but it's not where I am right now. She says her age, but I'm just gonna say she's in her 20s. I'm eager for advice on navigating the world of work. I do want to get married and have children in the future. I have an amazing boyfriend and we both want that part of our lives to be built on a foundation on knowing how to navigate our legal careers. He is um, but she puts his job but I'm not going to say because that's her business and we hope in this cycle he'll secure his training contract offer.
Speaker 1:There is so much emphasis on marriage and children in the media, so much advice on those topics for black women. Your podcast fills a gap in the area of the world of work as black women, which I find refreshing. Thank you for sharing how you navigate the world of work and motherhood as a black woman. These discussions are really rarely talked about in the black community and even if it is even if it is motherhood is spoken from a place of sacrifice rather than empowerment. In the way you speak of motherhood, I am incredibly grateful for the insights you provide. I will be listening to your episodes again and again as they bring me so much comfort. I will be listening to your episodes again and again as they bring me so much comfort, love I am. So.
Speaker 1:I was so happy to read this because, first of all, winner, winner, winner, winner. We black women are winners. Come again now. Winner, winner, winner, winner. We black women are winners. And y'all, geez, remember this song like listen as black, as a black woman, darling, you're doing amazing, not just as a black woman, as a woman, as a person, as a human being. You're doing absolutely amazing.
Speaker 1:And I always feel touched when people show gratitude by coming back and giving me a follow-up in a dilemma that they previously had, or just sharing how the podcast and the toy talks platform has really covered them, taught them, encouraged them in the world of work. That's what I've always wanted to create a body of work that could stand the test of time, where you can go there over and over again, listen for advice, comfort, direction, and I'm going to be really honest with you. I feel comfortable that I don't need to put out a podcast every week because I have a body of work that will stand the test of time. And those of you who are dedicated, devoted and really want to understand how to navigate the world of work as a woman, as a black woman, as a person, as a person, the key and the support and the knowledge are in the, in the podcasts. I've given you everything, all that I have experienced, and I continue to add as I grow. You have to make the investment in yourself, to sacrifice time, to be able to sit down, listen to this podcast while you're doing whatever it is you're doing and, honestly, a lot of the people who have benefited from the podcast, who have been able to turn their careers around, who've been able to pivot, who have been able to soar, has been from the podcast episodes really listening to them, learning, going through certain situations, going into the summaries of the episodes and finding the ones that are relevant for them, or just listen to the episodes again and again and again from the beginning. So I'm just so grateful that you're able to testify of your experience of the podcast and the platform. I can't wait for you to qualify as a lawyer as soon as you qualify, please, please, please, let me know. I would love to kind of I don't know send you a gift or a gift card or anything, just to show you that support because you're doing amazing.
Speaker 1:I think that training contracts in this country are really difficult, so when you find one and you're in one, amazing. My trajectory wasn't to be a lawyer, and I'm so grateful for the career that I've chosen, but anyone that's a lawyer I respect and love so much because I know what it takes. I went to law school. I get it. It's hard, it's a lot, but I'm telling you, the benefit at the end of getting that training contract, being able to work and specialize in any field you want to is absolutely amazing. The opportunity to earn really well is there too. It depends on your specialism, and whilst I know that you are doing a seat in the subject you're not comfortable with, you're doing a seat in a subject that is quite lucrative because I'm in that industry. I'm in procurement, I'm in contract management, I'm in commercial, and I'm telling you there's money to be made in that field. Um, I'm going to email you because I think there's a specialism that you maybe need to maybe look into that's part of that field that could be quite lucrative for you. So while it feels that you're going through the pain, honey, you will reap the reward, and I know it so well.
Speaker 1:Done congratulations so far. I know things that are not always going to be easy and plain sailing, but clearly you're on the right track and I wish nothing but the best for you. And thank you for reaching out. So, those of you who have um gotten to the end of this episode, thank you so much for all your love and support, all my libra babes. I just want to give a special shout out because this is our season, this is our birthday month. I just want to say happy birthday me. I tell everybody I'm 39, honey. I'm holding on to them face, but I also want to just thank everyone for their support, their love, the DMs, the emails. Thank you for remembering me in your prayers. Thank you for remembering like just remembering the platform and sharing the platform, the conversations you're having in your group chats and on WhatsApp.
Speaker 1:I definitely just feel like, when it comes to the podcast, I never compare. I just feel like the podcast is an elite of its own and I feel like there is a gap and I'm hoping, to the grace of God, that I'm feeling that gap that allows us to find a safe space to navigate the world of work. And I have friends from different cultures, different races that say, even though you put black women first because you are a black woman, I myself, who is not a black woman, has learned so much from your podcast and I share your podcast with everyone, and that's what I wanted for the podcast that I'm speaking from the perspective of black women first because I'm a black woman, and then it's women, men, black men and everyone else like you'll be silly to not listen to the podcast. You think it's only for black women, when in fact, there's a lot to learn from the podcast. You know what I mean. But the perspective and the experience of a black woman is what I come with because I am a black woman. I'm a very proud black woman at that. So so, yeah, I just I just want to say thank you, thank you for your patience, your support. You guys always know a podcast is coming. It's just just to be. You've got to wait on it.
Speaker 1:Balancing life, motherhood, wifehood, workhood, career, everything else and still trying to, you know, do the other stuff that I do. Um, I really want to share that I am working on something that I'm hoping I can release next year. It is something really special. It's not a book. Before anyone gets onto me, it's not a book. I think the book will come when god appoints it to come. So I started writing it. I'm just waiting for a publisher, by the grace of god, to come and bless me. Let's go straight into that. Anyway, um, I said to say I'm working on something that I'm hoping to release next year, which I hope that you guys are gonna love, because it's taken a lot for me to do and there's a level of vulnerability in doing it. So, anyway, I won't say too much. You'll see it when, when it's ready.
Speaker 1:But if you want to follow me on social media, I am on tiktok. I'm actually. I'm actually quite frequent on tiktok actually, and I've had a couple of videos go viral, which has been amazing. My handle is toyah washington. I'm also on instagram. I'm very active on instagram, toyah, underscore washington. Um. Also snapchat, I'm not as active but I am there, toya Washington. And, of course, if you want to send me a work or life related dilemma, please email. Hello at toyatalkscom. My name is Toya Washington and you have been listening to the Toya Talks podcast.