Syllabus for the Soul

We live in a society that's quick to label inequality as "the way things are" rather than confronting the systemic barriers that keep certain communities locked in cycles of disadvantage. The recent UK High Court ruling that 20% VAT on private school fees is lawful isn't just about taxation – it's about working-class families making extraordinary sacrifices because they've been failed by an educational system that desperately needs complete overhaul, not just additional financial barriers.

This episode dives into how discrimination manifests across different spheres – from education to professional sports to everyday workplace interactions. When I was commanded to "smile" during a meeting, it wasn't an innocent request. It was a loaded directive rooted in racial and gender expectations that police Black women's expressions and demeanor. Similarly, when tennis star Aryna Sabalenka downplayed Coco Gauff's major wins, or when the Grammys suddenly split the Best Country Album category after Beyoncé's success, we're witnessing the same underlying problem: reluctance to celebrate Black excellence on its own terms.

Perhaps most personally revealing is our exploration of friendship in midlife – what I call the "friendship renaissance." After years of giving too much to those who offered little in return, I've learned the value of having just two genuine friends rather than numerous superficial connections. True friendship requires a collective understanding of honesty, loyalty and love that many simply don't share. As we age, we become more intentional about who deserves access to our lives, recognizing that it's better to embrace solitude than accept relationships built on imbalance. What friendships are you nurturing or releasing as you evolve? How are you defining what connection means on your own terms?

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Music (Intro and Outro) Written and created by Nomadic Star

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Chapters

• 0:00 Private School Fees and Workplace Dynamics
• 8:44 UK Heat Wave and Personal Challenges
• 18:02 Education Crisis and Financial Barriers
• 35:44 Lululemon's Controversy and Black Spending Power
• 54:27 Sports, Recognition and Black Women's Achievements
• 1:03:54 The "Smile" Command: Gender and Race Dynamics
• 1:18:52 B Simone Friendship Controversy
• 1:34:00 Friendship Renaissance: Finding Connection at 40

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Private school fees. The UK High Court recently ruled that introducing a 20% VAT on private school fees is lawful and not discriminatory under the European Convention on Human Rights. Media mogul Byron Allen, who launched a lawsuit for $10 billion against McDonald's, has settled his lawsuit out of court. Mcdonald has settled his lawsuit out of court. Lululemon stocks fall by 23% and there is an American report investigating why there is a rise in unemployment for Black women, and I recently had a video go viral on TikTok where I was demanded and commanded to smile during a meeting.

Speaker 1: 0:44

I explore the intersectionality of gender and race and being asked to smile during a meeting. I explore the intersectionality of gender and race and being asked to smile and playing into the angry black woman rhetoric. Irina Sebelenka downplays Coco Gauff's major win for the US Open and French Open With friends like B Simone, who needs enemies? I'll be discussing her recent podcast episode that has left social media up in arms. I'll also be discussing the concept of friendship renaissance. This refers to a renewed, revived or reimagined period of forming, deepening or prioritising friendships, often later in life or after a period of disconnection. It's usually explored between the ages of the 30s to your 50s and we'll be getting into that and so much more.

Speaker 2: 1:33

You have entered the toy talks podcast council estates, a corporate space, first gen nigerian setting the pace from goldman sachs to pwc, building legacies for all to see. This lecture couldn't stop this flow. Law degree just watch me grow. Masters of the game. We show every sister how to own their throne. T-o-i-a, let me show you how to navigate and elevate.

Speaker 1: 1:59

That's what we do we do black queen energy growing. Listen sometimes. I think that having space in between podcast episodes works well for us, honestly, because since the last episode, p diddy's trial is coming to an end, and when I say coming to an end, the jury is about to retire to consider the evidence that was presented before them and, of course, the verdict. Now I'm contemplating doing an episode, maybe an impromptu one, where I discuss what he has been charged with, which I think I kind of mentioned in a previous episode actually, but actually what the burden of proof is on the prosecution to prove and actually I don't want to say the bar is low, but even though he has a plethora, a plethora, listen, a shopping list of charges, they only have to prove two out of those charges to prove rico, and it's about a criminal enterprise and basically crossing state lines to, you know, facilitate prostitution, um. But I'm thinking of doing an episode. Let me know if, in the comments, um, or wherever you listen to the podcast, if that's something you would want, because I feel like, especially for my UK peeps, I have international listeners and I see you, I receive you and I appreciate you, but I think in the UK our legal system is slightly different. So I think the complexities, or what is the perceived complexities of the US legal system can be broken down and explained really quite easily, I feel. So I feel like I could do that on the podcast. So let me know if that's something that you'd be interested in, because I'm quite happy to do it. Or maybe we'll do it once the jury has retired, so that you can kind of have a snapshot of what they're going to be considering, maybe a summary of some of the prosecution evidence, and then maybe I can even give you my opinion about what I think may happen. The heat that we have been suffering in the UK is mad. It's all mad. Now add that to being perimenopause and I say this very conservatively because I recognize that my hormones are still leveling out since having my daughter two years ago, but I literally feel like my flesh has been cooking inside of my skin and then being on my period, having fibroids and pcos and all of the things there, and then this heat, this static heat in the uk, has been awful and I I said this on my instagram page toyah, underscore washington. It's. It's private. I do have a toya talks instagram page. I need to post Instagram page toyart underscore Washington. It's private. I do have a Toy Talks Instagram page. I need to post more on there toyart underscore talks on Instagram.

Speaker 1: 4:54

But I did actually say that I feel like being born in October, as I was. I'm an autumn baby and I think autumn is like the perfect season. I think it's the perfect season, full stop. New paragraph it's the perfect season for me, always in the pursuit of balance not too hot, not too cold. You don't need layers. It's effortless fashion, it's just effortless clothing, but it is just you know. You know when I start speaking like this, then you know like I'm in my vibe. So, yeah, uk has been really hot and I don't know how you all have been coping, but all those people that are in predominantly hot countries I know your ACs are working here in the UK.

Speaker 1: 5:33

The UK is an actual island. The fact that you know like when you think of island, you think of exotic. The UK is not that when I say island it's just surrounded by a lot of water, but the way, like the way our buildings are built. The architecture is not built for heat. So at the height of heat in the UK, which could be about 25 degrees and we have seen temperatures soar to 32 degrees in some parts of the UK, but the UK is not built to deal with heat, so what we're tending to find is that you'll have the train tracks melting, cars combusting. The solar system is going in the wrong direction. Cars are reversing instead of driving forward. Like this country is a mess. Like I'm I know like I'm exaggerating when I say these things, but you get the point that I'm making. Like the UK is a mess full stop new paragraph. It's a mess taxes everything but add heat, a rise in temperature in the UK. It's actually a mess. Like it is a mess and personally, for me, I cannot function.

Speaker 1: 6:38

Everyone I work with on my project at work they know like don't even Just you don't need to have a meeting, just send an email. You know't even just you don't need to have a meeting, just send an email. You know, sometimes you don't need to just send it. In fact, don't even send an email. Six bullet points, send it in teams, send it on zoom, send it in any instantaneous communication. We used to talk six bullet points anyway, I digress. So in the opener of the podcast I spoke about private school fees and I think it's important that we have this conversation, because I did do a post on TikTok about it.

Speaker 1: 7:11

It's really interesting how many people refuse to admit that the reason why they're again, the reason why they they're against private schooling, is because they can't afford it. And I want to let people know, and just kind of burst this misconception, that if your child is in private school then you must be rich. I know people in fact I don't even know a rich person who puts their child in private school, and that's not because I mean. Also, what do you consider rich Like? When I think of rich, I think of Jeff Bezos. So I don't know any Jeff Bezos type people. I know some wealthy people, but not Jeff Bezos. That is not wealth, that's stealth.

Speaker 1: 7:55

But the point I'm making here is you tend to find that a lot of people that put their children in private school are working class, just like me and you, who have saved additional jobs, who have made extreme circumstances to give their children the best level of education. So the reason why a lot of people have been in uproar about this 20% VAT is because what you're attempting to do is add tax on what you believe are people who can afford to send their children to private school and what you're doing with that, on what you believe are people who can afford to send their children to private school, and what you're doing with that. What you want to end up doing with that money is to, number one, force people out of private school into public school, which is already over prescribed and unable to actually educate children to a standard that is acceptable. But also you want to use that money to fund the public school crisis, and we're talking about dilapidated buildings. We're talking about not having the the um, the tools in terms of the books and the education. You have a staffing issue where teachers are unhappy, underpaid, often protesting because they're underpaid. The working conditions of some of these teachers is unbelievable. So is it any wonder that you have a lot of teachers leaving the profession in droves, but also as well that are just not happy?

Speaker 1: 9:14

The public school system here in the UK and the national curriculum in my humble opinion, I think the national curriculum is trash. It needs a complete overhaul. Keir Starmer wants to make the UK the centre of excellence for artificial intelligence, but your young people who are in education are not receiving top tier education. They don't have certain life skills like understanding inflation and understanding mortgages and understanding credit. You're not teaching children about investment. You know the real life skills that they're going to need. You can't just push them out of education into the working world and tell them to get a job. They don't understand their employment rights. They don't know how to get redressed when their employment rights have been violated. They don't actually know what to expect from an employer and how and what the legal rights that will protect them. You don't teach children that and somebody wrote you know, I actually mentioned this on a tiktok video and someone said oh well, you know, when you study economics and business, they teach this. But I'm talking about educating children from primary school, making it mandatory to learn these life skills and then, as, as they grow older, they understand these skills more on a deeper level.

Speaker 1: 10:28

I'm talking about investment and pensions here. What are investments? How do you invest? What are pensions? The reality is you're not going to have enough pension in your pension pot by the time you retire. You're increasing the state age of retirement but not teaching young people what retirement actually is, what it looks like, how to plan for it, developing healthy relationship with money, understanding what financial health is. You're not teaching these young people this, these life skills. You're teaching Pythagoras' theorem. You're teaching Pythagoras' theorem, you're teaching equilibrium, you're teaching hexagons, and whilst those things may be interesting, they're not relevant to the survival of young people into adults. And again, it's actually separating classes here, removing working class, having the rich and the poor. That is what I believe the aim of the current national curriculum is.

Speaker 1: 11:26

Having been educated here in the UK, I can sit here and tell you I did not know what investments were until my mid-twenties. I didn't understand a fully understand, a fully formed understanding of kind of like inflation and mortgages until my mid 20s. And when you're earning money, there is a power in earning money, no matter how much that money is and how much that amount is, and what you do with that money is important. So when you talk about prioritising bills, you know before you even talk about that, how do you select a bank that fully represents what you want to be able to do? How do you choose a bank? What is the difference between a bank and a building society? In fact, why do people choose to bank with a building society over a bank? And you have the major banks, but why do people maybe tend not to go with major banks and maybe go with newer banks and what these? What can these newer online banks provide that these high street banks do not?

Speaker 1: 12:36

These are basic things that we need to be teaching our young people and to say, oh, it's up to the parents. What about parents who are not versed in those things? What about the parents who maybe don parents who are not versed in those things? What about the parents who maybe don't have the time because you work us until we're dead and make sure you place us in a situation where we don't always have time for our children because we're working and trying to keep up with the Joneses. So you can't put all of that on parents. And bear in mind a lot of us had parents that were in a constant state of survival, so they can't teach what they don't know. And actually we're taught through education and there is a generation of parents that I teach that had taught us how to be good employees, but not how to understand what an employee is. It's just crazy to me.

Speaker 1: 13:20

So now, when we talk about private education and the need, I mean for me, my child, my daughter, is two years old. She goes to a private nursery and we pay more than our mortgage to send her there. They teach her so many different things there. She learns ballet, they also she'll get to a stage where they teach French, german and Spanish. She'll get to a stage where they teach French, german and Spanish and they do what do you call it? Music like? What do you call this thing? You know these new age things. They teach all of that there in the nursery. And when my daughter is ready to go to kindergarten, she can stay at the nursery up until a certain age or then, at that certain age, she she can go into primary school, or I can send her to a private kindergarten that has a primary school and it's, like I said, it's private.

Speaker 1: 14:14

Now we're making sacrifices to be able to send our child to a private nursery and then further private education. Number one, because the state of the education the UK is trash. Number two, because I believe, in order for my daughter to get the education that I believe that she's going to need, as well as everything else that I have learnt, private education is what's going to serve her well, especially for the area that we we currently live in. Now. I don't see private education as a luxury. I think private education is, for me, the need to access education at a level that I feel that public school does not do. The gap between what public school is able to provide, especially in this society, is very large. You have classes of over 30 students and I don't know how a teacher can serve the needs of each individual pupil with so many in there, and I don't. I think also as well, what we don't talk about is when you penalize because that's what it is is penalizing parents with this VAT of 20%. You're further telling those parents that actually you're going to need to do more to save that money and it's a lot of money that 20% works out to a lot, especially if the fees are very expensive and we're making further sacrifices. But the point is, if you're trying to push parents back into the public school sector, you're going to have to do a complete overhaul to improve it. You're going to have to do a complete overhaul to improve it. You're going to have to do the work, and I think that this is the government's lazy approach to addressing the fundamental issues and flaws in public education.

Speaker 1: 15:54

I was publicly educated and I'm sitting here telling you at the age of 40, I don't think there's been any evolution from when I was in public school to what it is now. I'm talking as somebody who was not diagnosed with dyslexia, which is a learning difficulty, until I was 21 years old, and by then I was already in university. Struggling my way through university, I wasn't given the ability to be able to understand why I learned so differently and why it took me so long to learn. The things we were learning, like the Battle of Hastings in 1066 and the plague, do not serve me in life. It doesn't, in fact, rather than teach us in, say, history about colonization and the UK's role in colonization and slavery on a deeper level, understanding what slavery was, ibo Landing, for example I wasn't taught any of those things. I didn't learn those things until my mid to late 20s. Do you understand Learning things like the plague, the Battle of Hastings? It didn't serve me.

Speaker 1: 16:58

I mean, I can just about get my head around the suffragettes, but outside of that, I don't think that the public school education system serves to equip young people with what they need to be able to be fully educated, functioning adults in a society where we're taxed at a level that makes no sense. So you know the, the intro, the announcement that, you know, private education is now going to have to charge parents because, let's be honest, they're passing that. The government's saying this, they make it say, oh, private education. You're not just, it's not private education, it's the parents who sacrifice to send their children to be privately educated because you, you continuously fail children in public education. I can sit here with somebody who received public education, say I was failed 110, and whilst people can sit in and say, well, toyah, how are you failed? At the end of the day, you've gone on to um, do your master's, you've got a degree, you've got all these other educational achievements underneath your belt.

Speaker 1: 18:04

But the point, everything that in like everything that involves education and what education is supposed to be, took me a lot longer and I genuinely believe that the reason I am where I am in my life, in terms of how much I earn, in terms of my career journey, in terms of my educational portfolio because that's what the fuck it is, it's a fucking portfolio is because of my career journey in terms of my educational portfolio, because that's what the fuck it is, it's a fucking portfolio is because of my parents, it's because of the sacrifices they made coming to this country to give me and my siblings a better education. It comes from my parents being indoctrinated by the colonizers in believing the importance of what education was, so my parents literally passed that down to me and my brothers and I don't think there was anything wrong with it, because it has given me the opportunities that I'm enjoying today. But at the same time, I feel like if I was educated with the things that I previously mentioned, I would have invested a lot earlier. I would have understood the investment risk a lot earlier and I would have been able to do the things I'm doing now earlier and basically reap the benefits now, so that I could be discussing what retirement looks like from another perspective. I think understanding the housing market came quite late for me because I didn't understand why I needed to own a home. I just did it because my parents did. That's the truth but not really understanding that actually you may own the home, the structure, but the land you don't own it. The Crown owns it, for example.

Speaker 1: 19:33

People don't want to talk about those things and I feel like the lack of developed education in the UK is the government's ability to control, and what you do is you create a situation where parents now can't afford private education and their children now get caught up in the public school system. And you have to hope that the parents are available enough to be able to manage their child's education in public school as well as earn money, provide for that child, provide for themselves, pay for a roof over their head, pay their bills and be taxed through the nose. It just is such a broken system here in the UK, and it's a concerning system as well, because when a system is broken and the government are unwilling to do anything about it and when I say anything at a very minimum, at a, at a level where they can change the national curriculum that's a starting point they it needs a complete overhaul. They won't even do that because that would mean that you would be given information that would advance you. It just doesn't even make fucking sense, and at this point it's really it makes me angry, because now we're now, you can't just put everything on on the parents, like your child will spend more time in education or in the education system than at home. Now some people will turn around and say, well, education isn't for everyone. What about other roles like manual labor roles? But education is a like. You have to stay in education until you're 16. So at least until that child is 16, they need to learn survival skills, they need to understand the economic and socio-economic system in which they're living in. Like mandatory education till 16, you can do it till 16 then, at a very like for me as a minimum. Um, so, yeah, as you can see, I'm quite passionate about this topic.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Um, and when I talk about, uh, the uk ruling, it basically, um, there was multiple legal challenges brought by families, independent schools, including faith-based institutions, who will also have to introduce this 20 vat on private education, and children with special needs education. They brought a lot of legal challenges, basically suing the government, and the court concluded that, while the policy of adding 20% VAT on private fees impacts some human rights, the government acted within its wide discretion to balance public and private interests, and I think the key words are wide discretion. So, yeah, the outcome of basically suing the government is that the High Court dismissed all the claims, so VAT remains in place. However, several groups, including like independent schools, independent school councils, christian legal centres and others, have vowed to appeal the decision. No appeal verdict is out yet, so for now, vat continues to be charged on private school fees. So, in summary, the first appeal against the 20% VAT was unsuccessful. The High Court deemed the VAT to be lawful and non-discriminatory, but interested parties are continuing to pursue further appeals, so we'll keep abreast of anything that changes.

Speaker 1: 22:51

In relation to the 20% VAT added to private school fees, I have long spoken about going where you are celebrated and it doesn't go above my head that uh, target in the uk, I think it was one of the first companies to proactively and vocally remove dei and it was part of that whole trump administration. And again, I've spoken about this before, abouti not actually benefiting the black community, but you know that's another topic, a wider topic, but, um, I think is, isn't it? Um, what's his name? Brian, I can't remember his full name, but he's a pastor and basically he said listen, black folk, kinfolk, let's boycott Target. And what happened as a result of boycotting target and their very vocal target, very vocal need to remove, and they were removing black owned um hair, um hair care and black owned products from their, their, their roster, basically. So, um, in america they called for the boycott of target, where our fellow black brothers and sisters were basically boycotting and not buying anything from target. Now what has happened as a result is they were not basically seeing the pro, the profits that they were making year on year, and I believe, as of now, that that boycott is still rolling on.

Speaker 1: 24:22

And one thing I love about black americans is when they collectively agree we are going to do this, they do it, and I love seeing, then the impact on those who benefit from the black dollar in our case, the black pound but I love seeing the impact of collectively saying we're not going to spend our money because if you're not going to respect us, you're not going to honour us in the way that we deserve to be respected and honoured. We're just not going to spend with you. And actually what it shows is how black power and the power of spending works and recognising that we, as black people, deserve to be respected and recognized. And you can't just take our money and just tell us that you're not going to then acknowledge us, but you're happy to take our money. It makes no sense.

Speaker 1: 25:12

So when I talk about lululemon stocks falling by 20 23 percent, the reason I talk about it is number one. I personally think that lululemon is overpriced. I don't know who and why somebody's spending over £100 on leggings. I don't understand. I need to understand. What are those leggings made out of? Is the crotch of the leggings made of something that I do not know? Is it giving added ventilation to our pom-pom? Because I need to know how leggings can be costing over 100. Honestly, well, I actually want to know. So Lululemon is a yoga apparel brand, for those of you who may or may not know, and in 2020, they opened a department to improve internal diversity and inclusion and to create more equitable playing field for minorities.

Speaker 1: 26:04

Now the founder of lululemon allegedly went ahead and has been saying certain things like the luxury brand itself and they consider themselves a luxury brand and, to be fair, if you're paying 100 pounds, over 100 pounds, for leggings, you are a fucking luxury brand. Mate, um, he was making certain comments. Um, he made no secret of how he feels about dei, for example, and when I say how he feels, it was alleged that he was quite negative about um not wanting to associate his brand allegedly with ghetto black people. Now, those were not his words, but that is basically what is being alleged and inferred by certain comments that he made. Right, and he made recent comments about his dislike for diversity and inclusion, and this created a lot of controversy. So, as a result, clearly we're hearing this because we all understand you know it's given the alleged comments made by Tommy Hilfiger. Do you remember that back in the day?

Speaker 1: 27:18

So, as a result and what I believe is like us being proactive in knowing again't appreciate where we don't appreciate us, then we take our money and go elsewhere there has been a fall of this of their stocks by 20, 23 percent. Now, for a brand that was making move, making money, honey, that's quite big. Like it's not like. It's not a small fall, like it's quite a huge fall, it's a big dent. Now, what has also recently come out, as reported by, there's a company that reports 25 black women in beauty on Instagram. They actually reposted something and they said that Lululemon is to lay off 150 corporate staff amid its struggles in North America. Now I believe part of the struggles is as a result of the stock falling by 23% and what has been said and they reposted this is Lululemon's USA sales keep slowing while inventories keep rising. They also said that international group growth slowed dramatically in Q1. And basically the company is struggling.

Speaker 1: 28:32

So what happens is if your stocks fall and you have more inventory and you're not selling, then you know that you spend more money on headcount. So then you have to start getting rid of staff to mitigate the loss and it's kind of like karma. You don't want to start getting rid of staff to mitigate the loss and it's kind of like karma. You don't want to be, you don't like DEI, you don't like inclusivity, but you had a developed program in 2020 to deal with stuff like that, but the founder has a completely different viewpoint and that mismatch means that actually maybe this brand isn't for everybody and if you're not going to be an inclusive brand that actually appreciates and encourages inclusivity, then we will take our money and exclusively spend it somewhere else. So Lululemon and you, lulu is the Lulu, because who, please? Can someone leave a message in the comments? And I actually want to know. Inquiring minds want to know, I want to understand.

Speaker 1: 29:26

I went on the Lululemon site, right, and it is expensive. But the reason I talk about the leggings is because I go to the gym, honey, I do yoga, like I also as well. Side note, I really encourage yoga body, mind, soul, meditation, flexibility, self-care. I, I love yoga. So Lululemon as a brand actually appeals to me. But I was reading the product description of them leggings and I didn't see any difference between them leggings and sweaty betty.

Speaker 1: 29:55

But I have a friend that swears by lululemon and when she wears lululemon no offense, she looks like a cucumber. Her, she looks like a cucumber. Have you seen a cucumber? Cucumber? Have you seen a cucumber Like the? Not the full length ones, the small one. She just looked and I said it to her. She was laughing. I said you look like a cucumber Wicked figure. My friend has. But she just looks straight up and down like a cucumber. I said I don't understand. So I need somebody to explain to me outside of my friend.

Speaker 1: 30:27

What is it about the Lululemon clothing? Like is is? Is there like a innovative way that it is made like? I need someone to let me know. And then I'm considering setting up a go fund me because somebody has to fund me by buying them lululemons, because I'm not using my money to go and buy it. I'm definitely not wanting to use my own money to to spend a brand that does not appreciate me. But if you go fund me, then it's not me spending this. Is you guys sponsoring me to go and spend it? Hey, I'm joking because I will not spend my money in lululemon, and I'm definitely not spending yours and I'm not opening a go for me. I just thought it'd just be funny to say anyway, talk about going where you're celebrated. So arena sibilanka was catching heat like she was getting fire on the mountain top after claiming that coco goff, who is a black woman, by the way, coco goff is a black woman. Arena sibilanka is a non-black woman. She is a white lady, but maybe she'll tell you she's not. I don't know.

Speaker 1: 31:27

So basically, coco goff wins the us open and french open yeah and then ariana sabalenka is now having, like, her interview you know they have the interview at the end of their matches, whether they win or lose and she says oh no, no, coco didn't play well, that she was off her form, she made mistakes, as in, ariana made mistakes, and actually the win that Coco is celebrating is not because she played well. It's because she Ariana didn't play well. So effectively, coco took advantage of her not playing well and therefore won. Now the reason everyone's up in arms is because they're saying actually, you know what arena? That's not good sportsmanship. Like you lost because you play badly. It's not about coco not playing well, but taking advantage of you playing bad. You have to take accountability for the fact that you did not play well and, as a result, you lost.

Speaker 1: 32:26

Now ariana then went on and I think it's complete. It's not. I think it's definitely this as a result of the backlash. She then releases a statement which I'm going to read. I'm going to say something. When a black woman wins, it seems to do pepe dem bad than if it was a non-black woman who beat them. Now somebody will say well, how is that the case? And I'm going to say this I don't know what it is about in sports and just generally about not wanting to give black women their flowers, and we see it in the world of work. Now, I do know that as women, collectively, irrespective of race, we don't always get our flowers, especially when you're working with white middle-class men in white dominated industries. Like women collectively, we are often placed at a disadvantage and I want to acknowledge that, because I recognize and acknowledge it. But we also understand the intersectionality of womanhood and how gender and race also play towards not allowing us to reap the rewards and to see the benefits and be honored and given our flowers for actual hard work that we do. Now we understand, especially in the workplace, whether you want to understand it or not, that black women are disproportionately disadvantaged in the world of work. And if you do not believe me, all you have to do is go and look at the statistics when it comes to how much black women are paid. Now you'll say but where are those statistics? We know, as black women, that we do not get promoted at the rate that our counterparts, so white women, are promoted, and if they were to do a gender pay gap and look at the racial element of that pay gap, black women will be disproportionately disadvantaged and pay disproportionately less than white counterparts. And I stand by that. They don't want to do that type of report because they will then have to deal with the result and then we'll be looking at how do we then find the equality in increasing and collectively trying to make sure that black women are not disproportionately disadvantaged from a pay disparity perspective. But they don't want to do the work, so they won't look at it at that granular level.

Speaker 1: 34:45

So arena sabalenka her response to the backlash that she received from her interview after she lost the us and french open and I'm talking about tennis, by the way yeah, because when I say it was a, what sport? When I, when I say open is it's tennis? Okay, pow, pow, okay. You know Serena, yeah, serena Williams, mm, tennis, okay, I absolutely regret what I said back then. You know we all make mistakes. I'm just a human being who's still learning in life. You need to learn to lose professionally. That was just completely unprofessional of me. I let my emotions get the better of me.

Speaker 1: 35:34

I wrote to Coco afterwards, not immediately, but recently. I was super emotional and not very smart at the press conference. It was a tough but very instructive lesson for me. Why is it, arena, that your lesson has to come off the back of crushing a black woman's wing? I think you need to look at that. It's not enough to say you were emotional and all of this. I think we need to take a deeper, hard look. This is not accountability. Accountability is acknowledging that Coco is in a sport where she is in a minority and actually, in downplaying her efforts, what you are doing is downplaying her natural ability to have just beat you at a sport that you are clearly good at.

Speaker 1: 36:25

But to say, imply and expressly say that she did not win because she was good is problematic, and you acknowledge that. You didn't acknowledge this straight away. You did it later, when you wrote to her, and the reason you did it later is because of the backlash that you received on a public scale, and my thing is you need to do another press conference and address it. It's not enough to just write the words, because I don't think you wrote those words. I think you have a PR company who wrote those words, so for me, those words don't mean jack shit.

Speaker 1: 37:02

Lose again to a black woman and let's see how you deal with it, because what needs to happen is a situational learning, yeah, where a situation arises again where you can put into practice all the things that you say, that you've learned from this situation. And at the time I didn't really go into a lot of detail, and I think part of it is because I actually wanted to see what would happen. I think it's important to recognise that when something happens, you don't have to talk straight away. Sometimes you have to allow things to mature, and I think what's happened here is her now seemingly acknowledging her wrongs. She doesn't actually say why. She just says she was emotional. That's not why she said that she's a human being learning in life. What is it about white fragility that does this? Where you have to centre yourself instead of centring the black woman that you wanted to demean. You need to look at those macro aggressions, and I'm not sitting here saying Irina is racist. That's not what I am saying. I don't know if she's racist. What I am saying is it's important that she educates herself in the sport of tennis.

Speaker 1: 38:19

Venus and Serena Williams are black women that didn't always win, but they showed great sportsmanship and I think it's important that arena recognizes the sport that you're playing in. Everybody has their opportunity to to win and some people have the opportunity to lose. But when you downplay a woman, that carries that heavy downplaying a fellow woman. But downplaying a black woman carries a heavier weight, especially when we are recognised as a minority. So, acknowledging her as your fellow sportswoman, you need to recognise her as your equal, because the problem is in not recognising her as your equal is what led you to make the comments that you made. And to recognize her as your equal is to say I did not play well, and because I didn't play well, I made myself vulnerable to somebody who will play well on the day. I recognize X, y, z strengths of Coco and she played well and da, da, da, da, da da. But I also recognize that if I had played better, I would have stood a better chance in beating Coco. That's how you do it. You don't need a PR agency, you just need introspection.

Speaker 1: 39:41

Just staying on the same theme of giving black women their flowers, it was most Steph that said it in a song. They say they want you to be successful, but they make it stressful. The Recording Academy announces that, starting from 2026, the Grammys Best Country Album will be split into two new categories One Best Contemporary Country Album and two Best Traditional Country Album, and this comes off the back of Beyonce's Cowboy Carter winning Best Country Album at the 2025 Grammys. Now, this is giving white fragility. It's giving moving the goalpost so effectively. What you're saying is Beyonce is not a traditional country artist, so in order for you to account for the non-traditional, you are now going to split that category that has been for several years, one category of the best country album and you're splitting into two best country and best traditional. Because you have to make. No, you have to create, you have to create. Sorry, this just makes me so angry, it makes me mad. You have to create, you have to create something else for them. That's what it's giving. It's giving. Oh, you know, we can't just give this to a black woman. No, no, no, no, no, no. We have to also account for the fragility of white people who believe in America, especially that they own country music.

Speaker 1: 41:27

Country music originated from black people. Do your Googles, do your history lessons? Education is important. Um, I think there was a massive controversy anyway, um, about, uh, beyonce's cowboy carter participating in and being considered in the grammmys under the country category. They believe that Beyonce is not country, and it's really sad because in every space it's not just the working world, the conventional working world, but in every space there is discrimination and it is very micro, becomes very macro, as in this case.

Speaker 1: 42:11

But to then create a separate award because you believe that, because of the surge in popularity of country music, you have to account for black people and give them something, but instead of giving them what you've always given everyone else, you're going to create a separate award for the non-traditional, who you believe are black people. It's crazy, you know, um, and it speaks to kind of the whole thing I've just spoken about, about not giving black people our flowers and not acknowledging us in the categories and and that you have created. But when we blow the top of those categories and we excel, then you're like oh yeah, we'll move the goalpost even bigger, even longer, and it talks to being exhausted and it speaks to the fragility of those who feel like it's not enough when a black person does it. Therefore, we have to make the goalpost wider to make it harder for black people to achieve the same greatness that others have been achieving. It kind of leads me to my viral tiktok. So if you don't follow me on tiktok, my tiktok handle is toy washington, all one word, and I literally done a video off the back of kind of being in at work, in in a meeting.

Speaker 1: 43:27

And I attended a team meeting, like I do every week, and I was told by a colleague that I need to smile and everybody on the call started laughing, like one one of them that was laughing I thought was going to combust and they found it hilariously funny. So I was able to deduce from what was said and the reaction that this is something that has been spoken about behind my back and they're waiting for an opportunity to be able to say it so they can collectively have an opinion, laugh whatever react. I put them all in their place. If you want to hear that video, go on my TikTok. But on the viral video I spoke about kind of being told and demanded and commanded to smile and looking at the layered intersectionality of gender and race in being asked and demanded and commanded to smile and playing into the angry black woman rhetoric.

Speaker 1: 44:17

If you don't smile, the idea that your resting face is not enough, it's seen as aggressive and actually your resting face doesn't fit the narrative that you should always be palatable and appease and please non-Black people who find Black people, specifically Black women, intimidating. So in order for us to lean into what you consider as soft and approachable, we need to smile to appease your fragility. It's dangerous, it is loaded, it's aggressive in its command and its demand and it's rooted in racism. It's dangerous, it is loaded, it's aggressive in its command and its demand and it's rooted in racism. It's rooted in gender discrimination because you are not going to ask a white man, or any man for that matter, to smile. You're not going to go to a man in a meeting and say smile, irrespective of his race, but you're definitely not going to ask a black man. But why do you feel so comfortable to say to any woman, irrespective of what race, to smile, but even more so a black woman, the idea that a black woman should perform for you? This is not a minstrel, we're not supposed to sit there plastered smile so you can feel that we're approachable to you. What is it about that you see in black women that immediately you perceive as being aggressive because our resting face is not soft enough for you. Our resting face is not inviting, so our face doesn't fit your soft narrative as being socially acceptable. It's dangerous and it's problematic.

Speaker 1: 45:44

And I go into detail in explaining why I speak about it being layered. I talk about micro and macroaggressions, which I believe being asked, demanded and commanded to smile is a macroaggression. The comment section when it exploded and there were so many different comments, so many different opinions. But what was very clear is it's not an isolated experience, experience. There were so many of us women, especially black women, that could share and in in the comment section about these experiences and so many people aligned to my explanation and how I broke it down very succinct. I was succinct, you guys know, I'm clear. But obviously the white women and I'm saying this because they were white women specifically that came into that comment section attempting to gaslight me, telling me oh, it's nothing to do about race, who are you to tell me about my fucking experience as a black woman? Who the fuck are you? How long have you been black for? Because me, I was born black, been black all my life. Wouldn't change it for the world, but these are my experiences.

Speaker 1: 46:46

It's a crazy, crazy world when you have men that will come into the section and say but what's wrong with smiling? There's nothing wrong with smiling, but what's wrong with just having a simple resting face that you're comfortable. This is your resting face. Now you guys know me and what I do here on the platform and how I teach, educate and advise black women and women in general. It's not just black women I advise, it's women in general how to navigate the world of work.

Speaker 1: 47:12

But I have to acknowledge how, as black women, we are treated when we show up and exist in our natural state. It's problematic. If our natural hair is not a problem, our resting face is a problem. If our resting face isn't a problem, our tone is a problem. If it's not our tone, it's the volume. There is always an issue about black women and how we present and that is a problem because what happens is then you're in a heightened state of policing yourself as an individual and I have done away with having to police myself at every opportunity to pacify fragility at any level.

Speaker 1: 47:48

I do not do it now. When I addressed it in that meeting and part of my addressing it was to also tell them that listen, if you've got issue, we can talk about it with HR and we can talk about the micro macro aggressions in your, in your demand. Yep, that's how I did it. I don't care because in the same audience. You want to disrespect me. It's the same audience I'm going to address your madness.

Speaker 1: 48:08

Everybody smiles wiped off their face. No one's laughing anymore. Suddenly, everyone's taking it seriously. But the point is, you were willing to make me the butt of your joke. You were willing to ridicule and humiliate me at the expense of pacifying your fragility.

Speaker 1: 48:25

Who the fuck do you think you are to demand any woman does anything and, least of all, all to think that we owe you a smile? Do you understand the racial undertones of commanding a black woman to smile and perform for you? Where do you think we are? We are free and we are liberated. We own our emotions. We own what we do with our faces. You do not get to have an opinion. Command a reaction. Who the fuck do you think you are? And I can't lie to you when this idiot said what he said, I was triggered. It triggered me deep inside, of course, because you know me, I'm never going to give them what they want, but I will give them what they're looking for. It triggered me.

Speaker 1: 49:14

Do you remember several episodes ago, several, several, several episodes I told you about when I was working for a particular telecommunications company and a new head of department joined and within a week he's telling my line manager that my face does not fit because I'm not a morning person. Do you know how fucking wild that is? Do you know how mad that is when I think about that? And yes, I dealt with it at the time. But knowing what I know now, I would have added some sauce to it and gone to HR and asked them for their policy on how we deal with individuals in the workplace. I would have asked them about any race relation policy. Yes, I would have, because you can't be mad for free. You can't Not anymore with the access to education and the access to information and the access to knowledge. You can't be mad anymore to think that you could ever be comfortable to command anything from a woman and command something from a black woman. You have lost your mind.

Speaker 1: 50:16

You know, like these people that say all these things. If you were to say to them do you understand why that is inappropriate and unacceptable? They will tell you no. But I'm telling you now I don't do this whole banter shit. I've told you guys before I don't do this running shit, this joke shit. Don't run me a joke right. And my dad always used to say if you are telling a joke and the person who's the recipient of the joke is not laughing, it becomes an insult attempted. Actually, it wasn't an attempt, they insulted me.

Speaker 1: 50:54

This buffoon the size of a hippopotamus the size of a hippopotamus was laughing. He was laughing like he was about to feast on an everlasting meal. This same person that was crying in a team meeting several months ago because he was being bullied by his external stakeholders. Should I have asked you then if you were going to smile? Now everybody's trying to. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Don't try and talk to me now. Don't try and explain. I'm not and I'm telling you now. I don't do apologies at work. You know I do change behavior because talk is cheap. Talk is very cheap.

Speaker 1: 51:37

So when that video went viral and I was shocked at the video going viral because for me, I was offloading about how I felt the research I'd done, what I believe is going on here, um, and also to educate people about how to deal with it, because, more than anything, you know, I think knowing how to deal with these things are important, and some people were like you know what I don't think in the moment off the cuff and I'm like, well, you don't need to. What you can do is ask them to repeat themselves and take that opportunity to then say to them I'm happy to have a discussion offline in which point you give yourself opportunity to think about what you're going to say. But in those moments, as a black woman, we know that we're staying ready all the time. We know that we have to be ready and that, in a way, is policing ourselves to know that we have to stay ready because we're going to have to address stupidity and people's idiotic comments and behavior. It's mad and it's wild. So I didn't cover you all to go on my, if you haven't already, to see the video and obviously the part two, which was my response to the command and demand to smile. So if I was to say the name, byron Allen you probably may or may not actually know who it is, but he is a media mogul and he owns various media networks.

Speaker 1: 52:48

So he launched a lawsuit against McDonald's for $10 billion and the reason why? Racial discrimination. Because he was basically saying that McDonald's were deliberately not advertising on black owned networks and McDonald's were using a tiered system to. They were using a tiered system where they would give black media companies crumbs but pour billions into white owned platforms. So then he was like okay, since you want to do that, it's racial discrimination, because you are deliberately not advertising with black owned networks and platforms. You're giving us the bare minimum crumbs, but pouring all this money and we're talking about billions of pounds and billions of dollars here into white-owned networks. It's racial discrimination.

Speaker 1: 53:38

So he then attempted to sue mcdonald's. Mcdonald's has requested and it has been accepted, I believe an out-of-court settlement with byron allen for an undisclosed amount. Now, given that the lawsuit originally is at $10 billion, I can only imagine how much they are settling out of court. It will probably be under NDA, so we'll never actually know the final figure, but what is important to know is that McDonald's have settled it out of court, meaning it won't go to court. Therefore their dirty linen McDonald's' dirty linen won't be addressed in a to court. Therefore their dirty linen McDonald's dirty linen won't be addressed in a public court. And that the original lawsuit was for 10 billion. So you can imagine how much he's willing to settle for.

Speaker 1: 54:19

So I salute you, byron Allen, who is a black man, a black media mogul, who he was going to sue them. Literally. He filed the court papers and it's a big win. It's a big win for black owned media, it's a big win for marketing and it's a big win in asserting our ability as black people to be treated equally. And I think that it's amazing that he owns a black media network and that he's a mogul in his own right. I want to see if he's got like an autobiography or something I definitely want to read up about him. Make sure he's not problematic.

Speaker 1: 55:00

But you know, for now he isn't because I haven't seen anything that is questionable, but he is a black man with a black owned media company and has successfully settled out of court with McDonald's. A US report why unemployment for black women is rising, and this was stats taken from the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The demographic level data on unemployment from the Labor Department can be volatile month by month. From the Labour Department can be volatile month by month, but they measured that black women's unemployment rose to 5.8% in May, up from 5.3% a year ago, surpassing the jobless rate for black men, which declined to 5.6%. For white women, the jobless rate has stayed relatively flat, while it rose for white men. Their unemployment rate is still below the overall number.

Speaker 1: 55:56

Women comprise a slight minority of the federal workforce, but represent the majority of employees among the agencies targeted by the White House, including UNSED, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and the Department of Education, where black women make up to 28% of workers. Women also make up a greater share of probationary workers. The National Women's Law Centre notes Black women are overrepresented in the federal employment compared with the private sector, accounting for nearly 12% of the federal workforce in 2020, compared with the private sector. Accounting for nearly 12% of the federal workforce in 2020, compared with 7% in the civilian labor force. According to the federal report, the share of Black women working in the federal government shrank nearly 33% over the past year. Per data cited by Bloomberg last month, black unemployment in the US always trends higher than overall number. Historically it has been double the rate of white workers, but the gap narrowed a little bit. In the post-pandemic job market, a higher black unemployment rate can be an early recession warning sign. Black unemployment rates rise more sharply and sometimes more quickly than for other workers, heading into downturns.

Speaker 1: 57:16

Um, and that is from 25 black women in beauty on instagram is where I'm reading this report from um. The reason I'm reading this report um, and I've said this before, I always read reports and I always go into detail and do like a bit of investigation, if you like research, into a lot of reports that come out of America, because I love the fact that they look at the intersectionality and gender when they are tracking things like unemployment, like pay disparity, in a way that the UK just does not do. So, my American brothers and sisters, in the UK we don't get to have those type of reports because the UK bury their heads. It's like a traditional culture of theirs in the UK where, rather than deal with the root of the problem, they'll look at things on a general, like a generalist. So they look at things generally but they won't look at. So they'll look at maybe gender right and men and women, but they won't look at that intersectionality of, for example, faith, race, ethnicity and nationality. They don't look at things like that because they know when they look at things on a granular level, where they look at maybe black women and the disadvantage or the disproportionate statistics of whatever they're reporting on, they don't want to have to then look for a solution for the equality because that would mean somebody has to take accountability as to the why and then have a plan to narrow a gap. And the UK works on widening the gap as much as possible on things like pay, on things like promotion and looking at gender. And they don't want to look at like. They don't want to look at gender and race. They would rather look at gender and keep it men and women.

Speaker 1: 59:06

When we start now having subheadings of how we're going to look at things again, the UK don't want to employ the money to do it. They don't want to have the report. I mean. What we're getting out of the UK is. Racism doesn't exist. They gaslight us here in the UK, forever being gaslit.

Speaker 1: 59:24

So even, for example, when I mentioned in the earlier segment about private school fees, um, and in the earlier segment about private school fees, what should they should do is do a report on the average income of parents who send their children to private school and then they need to look at it from prime, nursery, primary, secondary, those, those levels of education need to look at the like the average earner for a parent. What is their average job? How much are they earning? Then we now need to look at the intersectionality of race and then we look at gender as well. Is there a disparity of more boys or girls going into private education? Then we need to look at race and ethnicity. We need to look at those things because it's only then that you then start seeing trends that you're able to address. That's if you're committed in looking at inclusivity and looking at inclusion and looking at narrowing gaps so there's more equality.

Speaker 1: 1:00:24

But the UK don't want to have the responsibility to do it, because then they'll have to find a solution and they'll have to explain the results, and they don't want to have to admit that the UK and the fabric of what it is made up is systematically racist.

Speaker 1: 1:00:40

Therefore, we're at a disadvantage from the jump. They don't want to have to deal with things like that. So when I talk about American reports and studies, I talk about it because it lends itself to certain things that are happening in the UK that the UK are unwilling to invest in to create the reports for us to understand where certain things and why certain things are happening. And I tend to believe that usually what happens in the UK, in the US, will either manifest itself here in the UK, happen in the UK or is a backdrop of what's about to happen or is happening in the UK. So I definitely bring as much as possible, bring more reports onto the podcast, look at what's happening with our American cousins, see where we can find some similarities and explain certain things. And I think knowledge is power and the more we educate ourselves and the more knowledge we allow ourselves to assimilate is the more that we can make informed decision, have more informed discussion. Not everyday love island, not everyday sex, not everyday lululemon. Be simone be.

Speaker 3: 1:01:42

Simone describes herself as let me actually see, let me go there, let me go on instagram. Give me one minute, because this is how you know I'll follow that woman. That woman is confusedorg b simone where you at girl bsimon, okay.

Speaker 1: 1:02:02

She describes herself on her instagram as a stand-up comedian and host of let's try this again podcast b simone is very problematic anyway, like she is a problematic person. Hi, bob, do you know how I can't be more talked about? Talk about this woman. You know I don't. I just don't like her. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1: 1:02:25

But I guess I'm gonna touch on a recent podcast that she done with who she called her best friend and, in a nutshell, her best friend talks about a period of her life where she had no money. She had no money to eat, she was unemployed. I think she lost her car. All it is all. It is Whilst being best friends with B Simone, who was on the up and up, helping other people, financially stable, being able to invest in other people, while she's watching her friend on food stamps this is supposedly her best friend that she's watching basically sink further and further into poverty. But Bita Malan is not helping her friend, not offering at the very least, but it's not even. Not even where you're helping other people. You don't think your best friend needs the help, especially your best friend sharing what she's going through. Now I don't think there's a responsibility on B Simone to have helped her best friend. But if you're willing to help others and you can see your friend is on food stamps. The least you can do is do a food shop for your friend. The least you can do is offer at the very least, especially if you're calling this person your best friend. The least you can do is offer at the very least, especially if you're calling this person your best friend. Okay, in that same breath, the best friend is delusional because she seems to think that these things are happening to her. But there's no responsibility on B Simone to do anything as her so-called best friend, and that God was trying to teach her that she can rely on herself and that this is her season. No, god was teaching you who B Simone is, and God was allowing you to see, through a very humbling experience, that you have an enemy within and that enemy is called B Simone.

Speaker 1: 1:04:00

Now, her friend is now on the up and up. Her friend is now, you know, things seem to be changing around and certain things are happening in her friend's life, so she gets um opportunities that are a rate. Of opportunities arose for her best friend and B Simone then started to feel jealous because her best friend was experiencing this, but B Simone was not benefiting from, you know the exposure her friend was getting for whatever her friend was doing. And the crazy thing is, it's the entitlement of B Simone to think that her friend should share the win with her when B Simone was winning and not even give her friend crumbs. And as her friend is saying what she was going through being on food stamps, not having any money to eat, all of this, all of this, all of this, b Simone is talking about Jesus. This is why I struggle with church. Can you see? The wrong church will have you speaking in tongues, but you, you're not speaking the truth.

Speaker 1: 1:05:02

Okay, b Simone is a disgrace as a human being. Anyway, I just don't like her. Her energy is off. A disgrace to human being. Your friend can't eat. You're having a feast in front of your friend, but your friend can't even afford a tampon. And you're complaining, b Simone, that your financial situation has turned, that you can no longer shop in Bloomingdale's. You shop in H&M, but you're looking for empathy from your friend who's literally come out the war of the trenches.

Speaker 1: 1:05:32

That's crazy to me. But what's even crazy is how unhealthy that friendship is. For her friend to think that god is testing her, but not testing her in isolation, but it's testing her and her friend is still her friend, even though her friend is standing by watching her suffering. Do you know how mad that is, even from a human level, even if that wasn't your best friend? It's like, for example, when you go out and somebody begs for money and you don't always have to give money, but something prompts you to even take out the change and give that person, because you know that person may or may not use that for food, but the person's telling you they're hungry and you're prompted to give that. Prompting is what the holy spirit is, because some people need education, educating on religion. That holy spirit is your inner voice of god. It's your inner voice that the ancestors are using to enter your head, but that didn't enter your head. Be someone when your friend was literally walking through the shadow of death, fearing evil, because evil was standing in front of her. B Simone, what type of human being is that? What is that? And this is why I, honestly, I'm sitting here telling you that I was triggered. I'm triggered by B Simone. I can be very honest and I'll tell you why. Be Simone. I can be very honest and I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1: 1:06:56

For a really, really long time I had a very distorted view on friendship. I would give all my all in a friendship and I would give my all because I believe what. I understand the definition of a friend. But what I didn't understand is people earn the right to be your friend. It's not just given, you just give that friendship.

Speaker 1: 1:07:14

And I had to learn this the hard way and I genuinely believe that, because of the trauma associated with my traumatic and toxic relationship with my mother, the foundation of trust, loyalty and friendship was broken for me. So I was always looking for it in friendship. So I was always giving it freely. I never placed a value on myself as a person and I never placed a value on my friendship because people never had to earn it. I just gave it because I genuinely believed in that if you put it out there, you're going to get that friendship back. And that's not how friends work, or friendships work, because human beings are selfish, self-centered and honestly delusional. People are delusional. To think that you can take, take, take, take from somebody and not pour into them is mad and it's toxic, because as you're taking, you should be thinking God, give me the opportunity to replenish this person's garden. That's what you should be thinking.

Speaker 1: 1:08:20

I've spent several years of my life pursuing friendships that I had no business pursuing, because I was in search for something that was missing within myself. I'm being really honest when I tell you guys, it's taken me a very, very, very, very, very long time to get to a position where I understand the value of my friendship, and it's because I now know the value of myself. When you're being told by a primary caregiver that you're not anything and you're being made to feel like you're nothing, and you're being told you're nothing, you will believe that and you take that into the world and what happens is what you're not getting at home. You seek outside, and outside is like a fucking jungle of broken adult, broken children masquerading as adults, trying to figure out their way in the world. And when you don't have a grip of who you are as a person because the foundation of who you are that comes from your parents, comes from your culture is broken, you are then trying to put yourself together by seeking things in other people. And that was definitely me, definitely me, and I genuinely believe, because of my traumatic relationship with my mum, it's made me. I've done the work right. I'm still in therapy. I'm still doing the work and I'm very conscious of me.

Speaker 1: 1:09:44

One thing my therapist always says, has always said to me, is that I have a very clear understanding of who I am Accountability, self-reflection. I know how to pick myself up, do you understand? I know when I've done something wrong I am my hardest critic. So whatever criticism you have of me, believe me when I tell you I'm my hardest critic. So whatever you think of me, I don't care, because I know that I'm more hard on myself than anyone else will be, and that's because I've had to police myself so much growing up. I've had to fill voids. I've had to operate from a space of emptiness. I've had to operate from a yearning to just be loved and accepted by the person. That was never going to do that for me. So I had to do that for for myself. I was operating from a space of survival for so long that even during my pregnancy I couldn't even give myself the grace to be on maternity leave because I felt like I was undeserving of that rest. Even fighting for my life during childbirth didn't give me the ability to give myself the grace I needed to be kinder to myself. So when we talk about friendships. I'm going to be really honest with you here.

Speaker 1: 1:10:57

Remember a couple of a couple several episodes ago and I speak about it quite regularly that I sacked three of my bridesmaids. I had to also work on forgiving myself for choosing such appalling people to be my bridesmaids, and do you know why I chose those three people? Now, I chose in total I had two bridesmaids, right? Um, I ended up having two bridesmaids best decision I ever made. But the three that I picked I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 1: 1:11:20

I think the reasons I picked them them was because I believed in visual quantity over quality. Because society tells you that the more bridesmaids you have, then it just there's something. There's, there's a a silent messaging that it gives like, if you don't have a lot of friends, there's, there's something wrong with you. So if you now put that into a wedding and you don't have many bridesmaids, then then you're not a good friend, there's something wrong with you. Like, I was still up until um that point, thinking about the quality and the perception of not being a good person, the need for society to see me a certain way because I don't have many friends, and I'm going to be really honest with you, I can't have many friends. I don't have the ability to have many friends because I see people for who they are and I'm not willing to accept crumbs. So because I won't accept crumbs and bullshit, unfortunately I may sometimes have to be on the island on my own and I've had to get used to that. And I'm telling you this now.

Speaker 1: 1:12:20

When you have a clear definition of what friendship is, you cannot compromise that. Now I know number one, the value of who I am. I have confidence in myself and my ability to be a good person and friend. And when I say a good person, I understand what makes me good. I understand the qualities that I give as a person, as a mom, as a wife and as a friend. And if I recognize what a friend is and understand the true definition of that friendship, I cannot be friends with people who do not have a collective shared understanding of what friendship is, and the reality is the majority do not understand what a friend is. I'm fucking old school.

Speaker 1: 1:13:01

For me, there's three things I need in a friendship Honesty, loyalty and love. And unfortunately, as simple as those words may sound, they're very complex for people who do not understand what friendship is. I need honesty in my friendships. I need to know that you're going to be loyal. I never, if I, have to question your loyalty. You are, you will never be, my friend and that loyalty comes from who you are as a person, that character.

Speaker 1: 1:13:32

What is your ethics as a person? Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Your moral code, what is your moral code? What are your moral ethics? Are you a moral person? Do you have high morals? Because if you have a high moral, you have a heightened sense of who you are. You have a high moral. You have a heightened sense of who you are. You have a heightened sense of morality. And what morality is? We don't have to agree, we don't have to have shared beliefs on certain things, but what we have to have is a collective shared understanding, belief and definition of friendship. And if we can't have that, we cannot be friends.

Speaker 1: 1:14:08

But I know that I'm a fucking good friend. I don't need no one to tell me I know, and I know because I am. I know what it takes to be a good friend, because I know the definition of friendship. I know it because I am it and I own it and not many people can do that. You know because I feel like people feel ashamed to say what you are, because you feel like, oh, if I say I'm good at this, if I say I'm this, then it means that, oh, my ego. Or it means that I'm arrogant, because I think this you should allow people to tell you. It's like saying I'm really good at this, but I'm not going to say I'm really good, I'm going to let people tell me I'm good. Why can't you tell, tell people who that you're good at it? Why? What is this need to make ourselves small so other people have the power to make us big? It's mad. I think that's fucking crazy.

Speaker 1: 1:15:01

Now one of my friends, one of my good friends, she said to me you know what Toya, like there's a way she said it, but I'm just going to summarize it. She basically said when it, when, when it comes to friendship, I've poured so much into my friendships and, like that bank of friendship I've poured so much that actually, when I'm unable to kind of be present because I've poured so much into my friendship, I can kind of like live off that credit of like being a good friend. So sometimes, when I have to take a step back, or if I'm not available like now I'm a mum. I'm not always readily available, but people need to remember I've always been that good friend and when you need me I'm going to show up. And one thing I know about my friends and I'm going to be really honest with you on this podcast, as I always am.

Speaker 1: 1:15:47

I'm vulnerable enough on this podcast to be honest about this topic, which I am so passionate about. I'm going to say this I've got two friends. I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people, but I only have two friends. And what people don't ever tell you is this I always yearned to have a lot of friends because you know, when you see people on girls, holidays and stuff, society tells you that that's, that's kind of. You know what friendship looks like. Friendship don't look like that, not for the majority of us. Friendship looks like two friends. For a majority of us, the minority that have a large friendship group. I respect you so much because I don't know how you facilitate them friendships, keep them friendships going, and everybody sees themselves as equally good enough friends. So I have to assume that you all have a collective definition and understanding of friendship and, as a baseline, that's why that works when you have a large group of friends and large group of friends I'm talking about five and over why that works. When you have a large group of friends and large group of friends I'm talking about five and over. That's what I consider a large group of friends.

Speaker 1: 1:16:55

Now, at the age of 40, I've had to also talk to myself and understand about what makes me flawed as a person. That means that may compromise my friendships. One of it is honesty, because sometimes I shoot from the hip and I just say it how it is, and for a lot of people they can't operate like that. Some people operate from also burying things, and I can understand it as well, because I feel like when you bury things, it's easy to cope with because not everything needs to be discussed for some people. I get that. I also believe that not everything needs to be discussed, but I'm going to be honest with you. If to be honest with you, if you ask me something, if you tell me something and you ask my opinion, I'm not sugarcoating it so you can palette it, because if you know who I am, then you should know if you come to me, you're going to get the truth. That's how I operate, and sometimes it don't work for people. I also recognize within myself that I can be very like closed off and you have to peel the layers and some people ain't got the patience to peel the layers and I recognize that. But that's how I come, you understand, that is how I come. I am the easiest friend you will ever have because I am so low maintenance that if you don't check on me you may not know I'm there, and that doesn't work for people, because some people need that friendship furnished by constant phone calls.

Speaker 1: 1:18:11

I don't like phone calls. I need to let people know I don't like phone calls. I don't like it because it takes up a lot of my time and it means I can't multitask, especially if I haven't charged my AirPods. Airpods are not always great as well. They're cut off calls. I'm not good on the phone. Some people need that. I can't give that and it makes me flawed as a person because communication is so important. But there's other ways to communicate, like a fucking voice note. Send me a fucking voice note. I'll respond to your voice note all day.

Speaker 1: 1:18:38

Now I have two friends. Those two I can call, but they'll tell you I'm not on the phone for that long. I promise you two friends. I can call Binpay and Faye. I'll be on the phone all day, all day. But they know that I'm not on the phone all day. But I'll pick up the phone to them, I'll speak to them. I don't mind doing that Like I'm cool with it. But they know that I'm quicker. If they want a quick response, send me a fucking voice note. They know that Sometimes I don't even remember how my phone rings, number one.

Speaker 1: 1:19:10

My phone's usually on silent when it's not. It don't ring that often because everyone knows how I am and I say everyone because I have acquaintances as well and that's cool. I think that's fine and I now understand how to categorize friendships and acquaintances. And I didn't know that until mid-30s Because, you've got to remember, I was still working on the trauma of my mum and I didn't start working on that until I was 29. 30, actually, really. So if I didn't start doing the work and getting counselling in my 30s, clearly the whole friendship thing was a fucking myth until my mid-30s.

Speaker 1: 1:19:52

I wish I had gotten therapy earlier. But then I mean, I wish I went no contact earlier and I had the strength and character and understood psychologically what was happening to me to make earlier decisions. But we live and we learn. Um, I am also a person. When you do too much in a friendship, I can't cope with that either. But I I've also lost person. When you do too much in a friendship, I can't cope with that either. But I've also lost potential really good friends as well. Because of that and that's learning lessons for me. I only have one friendship regret in my life and I will always regret that because I don't like the way it ended.

Speaker 1: 1:20:25

Hence why I apologized, because I feel like I cut her off quite brutally but she was doing too much like and it made me feel like do you have an ulterior motive? Again, because of all the trauma experience, I didn't start getting the help until after friendship finished. So I think that friendship would have lasted now post therapy, but that friendship was pre-therapy, so it was a casualty of my trauma and I apologize. She was looking for explanation. I said listen, I've given you apology. That's all I have the capacity to give. I can't give you no more. Hence why we don't have a fucking friendship. But I talk about this to say and I hope it gives a window into an alternative conversation about friendships and understanding the role you play in a friendship, the friendship you, you, you, you are able to give.

Speaker 1: 1:21:08

And at the age of 40, I'm very clear about who my friends are. I've had to let go of a lot of friends as well, I know periodically we've spoken about this on previous podcasts but I don't believe in best friends because best friends is better than all the rest. Sorry, been there, done that. Not better than the rest? Not at all. I've had to deal with chronic disappointment because I have had unhealthy expectations. I call them unhealthy because I think when I now assess the character, I couldn't put that expectation on that person. And sometimes calling somebody your best friend or making someone the bestest friend, sometimes it's a tall feat to climb. Sometimes you set people up to fall, especially when they don't have the credentials to be that person. They may be a very good friend, but to be the best of them all, that's tough. That's a real tough.

Speaker 1: 1:21:59

I recognize that I needed to have a best friend, because I needed to feel like there was one that was better than the rest, because for me I believe that I was also worthy of that title. Do you understand? So I understand that for me personally, that whole best friend thing doesn't work now. For me, the bestest friends I could possibly have is my husband, because he knows me inside out. He knows who I am good, bad in, bad, indifferent in. And I think when you decide to be each other's life partners, I can understand why you could be best friends.

Speaker 1: 1:22:38

I say to my daughter she's two, I'm always going to be your bestest friend and that's because I'm going to have your back like no one else. I will fight for you, I will advocate for you, and I don't necessarily believe in best friends, but I understand what it could take to be a best friend. So I say it to my daughter because I want her to know that friendship also starts with me as her mother, as the first example of womanhood comes from me and I want to be able to be an example of what that is. So when she goes out there in the world making friends, she'll she'll have realistic expectations of people, understand the essence of friends, but know how to pick friends better than I ever did, better than I ever did. I want my daughter to be better than me in every way possible. So for me, knowing that the broken foundation of friendship came from my mum, I understand the importance of ensuring there is that healthy understanding. Foundation of friendship came from my mum. I understand the importance of ensuring there is that healthy understanding of what friendship and relationships are from me to my daughter and I believe that that's a very important relationship the mother and daughter relationship. It is. It's so important and it's a massive responsibility. I never, ever, ever want to break that with my daughter.

Speaker 1: 1:23:53

You know, I was listening on TikTok and it was saying when your child tells you something, don't repeat it in front of other people. You know, don't don't make your child a topic of conversation about private things you have discussed. These are all things that were breached from me with my mum, and a lot of it is ignorance and I don't think there was malicious intent. But what that does is it erodes trust. So is it any wonder that I have trust issues as an adult when it comes to friends? Um, so, yeah, I think it's important like to discuss these and have continuous conversations about this, because I feel like relationships and friendships evolve. That's number one, but number two in discussing be Simone, there was no way I wouldn't be able to have this type of honest, open conversation and I'm hoping that this touches someone, that someone receives this, and the prompting of the ancestors and the holy spirit to talk about this to me is very important, because I feel like we don't talk about relationships enough, because no one is an island on their own and loneliness is real and I have to be really, really, really, really, really, really honest and vulnerable in saying that.

Speaker 1: 1:25:02

I felt my loneliest as a new mum. I think that's when I realized I don't have, I don't have a lot of friends, and the ones I do have it's, it's, I guess, also as well. I recognize that I can be complicated as well, because I like my space, but I love my friends, I want to talk to them, but I don't like being on the phone. You know all that like I don't want to appear like someone can't win with me, but at the same time I you know, I am told as well that it's easy. I'm easy to be friends with because I don't need a lot of um what's the word? I don't need a lot of um maintenance, do you know what I mean? Like, but that comes with time as well. You know.

Speaker 1: 1:25:46

I definitely think that as I get older, I definitely recognize that I would love to have friends that have a shared understanding and definition and we have a mutual understand, understood, collective definition of friendship, especially as I get older, because as you get older, you're now looking more for experiences. It's more rest, it's more reflection, and I would love to go on like a I don't know a cruise with like a couple of female friends who we just get on with. There's no malicious intent, there's no jealousy, there's no ridicule, there's just healthy conversation, friendships and you don't have to agree but you, you disagree in love, you agree in love. I would love that, but I don't know if that will ever happen for me, if I'm honest. So that led me to do some research and look at this term that's been coined as the friendship renaissance. I found it really interesting because of what it meant, and I will share the definition again, as I did at the opening segment of this episode.

Speaker 1: 1:26:49

A friendship renaissance refers to the renewed, revived or reimagined period of forming, deepening or prioritising friendships, often later in life or after a period of disconnection. It captures the idea of rediscovering the value of meaningful relationships and being more intentional about cultivating them. I definitely believe that's where I am now effective in terms of the key characteristics. Is. It usually happens within a midlife awakening, so it's common among people in their 30s and their 50s I would say probably more 40s to 50s personally, because in your 30s you're still discovering who you are, in my opinion, and it's especially found in women who are reassessing what and who brings joy and support. I just feel this so passionately.

Speaker 1: 1:27:40

It talks about reconnection, rekindling old friendships. I personally don't believe in rekindling old friendships if you still don't have a collective, shared definition of what friendship is, unless now you've matured separately and therefore arrived at a mutual understanding of what friendship is. Now that makes sense if you're rekindling old friendships on that basis, or it's about reconnect, reconnecting with parts of yourself through new social circles. But the thing is it's really hard to build social circles now, and I I say this as I don't know if I'm going to have another child. So, based on me being a working career, mum and wife and having one child, I I would like a situation where I met somebody who was similar to me in that sense. Do you know what I mean? It talks about key characteristics of a friendship.

Speaker 1: 1:28:36

Renaissance is healing and growth, letting go of toxic or stagnant friendships and embracing new ones that align with who you are now, and I think this is so important because I think and I can definitely speak for myself is I know that I have people that are hanging on because they know the value of me as a person, as a friend, but I'm not getting it back. So what happens is people are holding on to you and not wanting to let go, but you've already mourned that friendship and it's dead, so you're just waiting for it to just drop. You know, and I definitely feel that in my case anyway. Um, so the context in which a friendship renaissance emerges is number one after major life changes. So like motherhood, divorce, relocation and burnout and true is said for me in terms of motherhood, in response to loneliness or realization that existing friendships no longer serve you, oh, as a form of reclaiming agency in personal life, personally, and particularly when career or family has dominated for years, and I I definitely can see myself in in so many of those, and if I had an idle world, I would be able to continue to develop my healthy relationships with my two friends that I've mentioned on the podcast but also take the leap of faith in making new friends who have a similar shared value and understanding and definition of friendship, as I do. It would be somebody who is a career mum, somebody who has a you know ideally, you know similar background, married in a long-term relationship. Whatever the situation is one child, two children I'm not fussed, but we're able to connect on, you know, that level and you know meet up and do things with the kids. I would love stuff like that. Um, not thinking too much that if I messaged you in the afternoon of your birthday, it's not the end of the world because you take birthdays so seriously and I don't do. You know what I mean, but I don't know if that will ever happen for me. And I've had to like have conversations with myself where I've said you know what, toya, as lonely as sometimes you may feel, because you are very strict about what friendship looks like, you have to also accept that you may not make new friends because of your very clear line about what you accept, what you don't accept, how you define friendships, how you define friendships, how you show up, on how you expect people to show up, and whilst people and I have previously said you shouldn't put a lot of expectation on people, I think you are able to put a limited expectation on somebody who you're interacting with, where you have a shared objective to grow, learn and get to know each other. So the friendship renaissance look into it, read about it. I'll see if I can find any links to any articles, um, because I've done extensive research, um, but when I say any articles, I mean additional articles to what I'm going to be posting.

Speaker 1: 1:31:42

But for me, a friendship renaissance, happening from my 40s, I can understand, especially with how things have changed in my life being a new mother, also being a wife. I've not been a wife for that long. I think Kay and I have been married for what? Five years now, five, six years, something like that. And I recognise within myself as well I don't go out Like one of my friends, binpay. She's always like trying to get me out. If I'm honest, she is, but I don't even really go out. I'm honest she is, but I don't even really go out. I'm very much a homebody, but I don't know whether I'm a homebody because there is a loneliness, I feel, because I haven't made any new friends and maybe there's a secret yearning that I do. But I'm so guarded that even if I was to, it would just take long to develop.

Speaker 1: 1:32:27

But I, I just don't believe it that friendship needs to be a race. It's a journey, it's a process. I've had so many examples of friends I've had to let go of, walk away friendships that have burnt me in the past, um, unhealthy relationships. But now I've done the work on myself through therapy, worked on understanding where the foundation was broken and working through it. I understand now how to develop new friendships, um, and for me it is a take me as I am.

Speaker 1: 1:32:57

I can't lie because the reality is how much are you going to change from your 40s onwards? You're not really. You're kind of situated in who you are. But it's also about meeting people who are the similar or the same but have a collective objective to grow. I would love a situation where my daughter goes off to university if universities exist and me and a couple of my friends decide to go on a cruise for a week. That would be lovely. But if it doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world either.

Speaker 1: 1:33:24

This friendship renaissance to me is a journey, and I'm putting it out there in the universe and manifesting it to appear as it wants to.

Speaker 1: 1:33:32

I just think that when you've done the healthy work, it's okay to have, have and want or yearn for something equally accepting. It may not happen either. Anyway, I'm going to leave it there because this episode is going on, but I do also, in the next episode, want to talk about the Israel, usa and Iran, and we've run out of time now. But it doesn't go above my head that I've never spoken about it here on the podcast. I take time to educate myself, to learn to understand the root, the cause and what's going on. Trump is problematic, but the us has always been problematic. But we have a vested interest to not only educate ourselves but to understand what's happening. And because uk continues to be the usa's lapdog, so with a possible impending third world war, which we hope will never manifest, I think it's important to understand how we got here and why where we are at now. So I'm thinking next week I'll do an episode by the grace of god.

Speaker 1: 1:34:40

that deals with israel, the usa, the uk and iran and what is happening in terms of nuclear facilities, the airstrikes that have happened, the lack of authority from Congress. Trump did not seek Congress approval when he decided to launch three airstrikes in Iran on their nuclear facilities, their three nuclear facilities. But let's get into that in the next episode. I just want to thank each and every one of you for rocking with me, for listening, for receiving. Hopefully this podcast has touched you, hopefully you've taken it to the end, and if you haven't, or you're chopping it up into different segments for yourself, so be it. I'm just happy that I'm able to record and just be in a space of safety and honesty to be able to deliver the podcast to you. Thank you for appreciating, thank you for listening and, more importantly, thank you for understanding, because I genuinely think the people that listen to this podcast we just have an understanding, we get it. And being neuroddivergent and I'm laughing because it's like I never thought that I would say this but being neurodivergent, having a learning difficulty and still being able to record and be honest and speak in my truth and know that there are people out there that get me and understand and we're able to share fills me with joy, so I want to thank you for supporting, thank you for listening and collectively committing to understand.

Speaker 1: 1:36:20

My name is Toya Washington. Follow me on social media Toya Washington or Toya underscore Washington on TikTok, hardly on Snapchat, definitely on Instagram, um, and if you want to email me, um, if you've got a life or work dilemma, let's talk about it. Your anonymity will be protected. Email hello at toyatalkscom. My name is Toy Washington and you have been listening to the Toy Talks podcast.

Speaker 2: 1:37:05

Breaking barriers, redesigning time From Tottenham Roads to CEO. Every step, teaching what we know, not just surviving but thriving more. Opening every closed door. Toya Talks, toya Talks, toya Talks. Black queens to the top. And we're still going.