Toya Talks Podcast

Career Gatekeepers: Why Your Mentor Should Be Opening Doors, Not Just Giving Advice

• Toya Washington • Season 2 • Episode 176

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Ever wondered why that mentor relationship isn't yielding results? The harsh truth is that many mentoring relationships fail to deliver actual career advancement especially for Black women. 

In this candid episode, we unpack why traditional mentorship often falls short and what true strategic mentoring should look like. It's not about inspirational coffee chats or vague encouragement; it's about someone with genuine influence opening doors that would otherwise remain closed to you. As I share from personal experience, "A mentor without contacts or influence is just a friend with opinions."

We also tackle the growing trend of companies mandating three-day office returns and how to negotiate terms that work for your life. Through my own negotiation story, I demonstrate how standing firm on your non-negotiables can actually work in your favour, even in a tough job market. Remember if employers want your talents badly enough, they'll meet your terms.

The episode also explores how neurodivergent individuals are protected under the Equality Act as a disability class, offering important legal insights for workplace accommodations. Plus, I share a personal story about setting boundaries with new friendships and the importance of protecting your kindness from those who would take advantage.

Between renovation chaos and career revelations, this episode delivers practical wisdom for navigating work politics, boundary-setting, and strategic relationship building. Whether you're seeking advancement or simply trying to maintain your sanity in today's workplace, these insights will help you recognize your worth and advocate for yourself effectively.

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Music (Intro and Outro) Written and created by Nomadic Star

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Speaker 1:

Mentoring. What is mentoring? Why is it that women, especially black women, feel the need to have some type of mentorship in order to find success? We get into that. In this episode, the Mayor of London, sadiq Khan, has received a pay rise and he now earns £170,000, which places him, in terms of salary, as earning more than the prime minister of the uk. We get into that. Jayden smith has been appointed as the new creative director of christian louboutin. If you don't know who jayden smith is, he is will smith's son for a fresh prince of bel-air. Yeah, that will smith. And nigel farage, leader of the UK party, has shared his pledge and manifesto of removing indefinite leave to remain, and it's not those people who have recently received it, it's people who have received it historically. He thinks that in removing indefinite leave to remain, he is tackling the migration that has this country in a chokehold.

Speaker 2:

Let's get into it me grow masters of the game. We show every sister how to own their throne. T-o-i-n. Let me show you how to navigate and elevate. That's what we do.

Speaker 1:

Black queen energy growing I am tired, I am beat, I am exhausted, I cannot keep my eyes open. So we're doing some like reno work it to the house and I at the time when this was being planned it sounded like an amazing idea. But it's literally again. It's almost two days of chaos and I can't operate like that. Being ADHD doesn't help, because my need to just find order and I'm trying to find order in chaos. It's just kind of crazy and I have a two-year-old. So, um, anyway, it needed to get done.

Speaker 1:

I needed the wardrobe space and big milestone is my daughter has moved into her own room and, as a first-time mum and somebody who's completely and utterly in love with their child, that was really hard for me to do. Um, because you just kind of it definitely is a first time mum I feel like you want your child to grow of course you do, and you want to be able to witness, witness these milestones. But it's almost like you. You know, for me I feel like I just gave birth last week and suddenly I have a two-year-old. You know, for me I feel like I just gave birth last week and suddenly I have a two year old and it just for me was unfair to keep her in the baby, like the toddler cot that we have for her, because she's tall for her age, and I just I just was like, yeah, she needs her own space. She's got all these toys and we've had to, like put them in boxes and stuff, and I was like, yeah, that's not fair. You know, she needs to be able to open and open her boxes, enjoy her toys and have her space. And also, I have my pink back, so there is an element of also having my space as well. Um, so, yeah, she is. So, if you, if you hear her, it's because I've got the baby monitor on, as I usually do. However, if she does wake up, I will have to stop the episode and tend to her, and I don't know if I'd return back because I'm tired. I'm looking for an excuse to slip, okay, um, but I just really wanted to do an episode today because I was like, oh, you know I'm too tired, but I just kind of thought let me just do my best, honey, let me push through. Um, I don't even know where to start.

Speaker 1:

So my workplace has mandated three days a week in the office and a lot of these organisations have been doing this. Right. It's this shift away from remote hybrid working and it's a short form way to also get rid of staff. Let's be real. The current job market is really bad. Like it's bad. Okay, it's definitely an employer's market.

Speaker 1:

That being said, I'm not doing three days a week in the office. It just doesn't work with my lifestyle, if I'm honest. It just doesn't work with my family life. Just doesn't work with my lifestyle, if I'm honest. It just doesn't work with my family life. It doesn't work with my lifestyle. However, I don't necessarily think it will apply to myself and my team just because my boss doesn't even live and work in the UK and actually my entire team is global. So I don't see the whole collaboration in office, how that works, because you just be on teams in the office.

Speaker 1:

Um, and my ADHD doesn't allow me to do that transport system. It just doesn't, and you know those of you who have been on London transport in the morning it's like the the cesspit of hell. To be honest, let's be real. Rush hour is madness and it's getting worse because I feel like they don't have as many trains on during rush hour and I feel like this push to return to the offices place a pressure on the transport system that it's never been able to to like withstand, and it's even worse now.

Speaker 1:

So I think for me, my reaction when I got the email is I had no reaction because I don't you know, there was a time before where I'd feel like I have to have this meeting with this person and plead my case, almost, and just to be defiant. I don't feel like that anymore. I'm just not that person anymore. I know that I'm not going to do it. So why am I having the conversation?

Speaker 1:

Um, why am I? Why am I making a big deal out of it when for me, like you know, it's very clear that I'm not doing it. My boss hasn't raised it, no one raised it in any of the meetings that we've had. So for us it's a non-motherfucking factor. But what it does highlight is kind of my non-negotiables, and I and I've said this before in previous episodes everybody has non-negotiables and I and I've said this before in previous episodes everybody has non-negotiables and I think it's important that you do, because those create your boundaries and I used to be one of those people that thought, actually, if I have no non-negotiables and I just become this yes, yes, man, sorry, I'm actually recording this not in my normal recording spot.

Speaker 1:

I'm actually downstairs, in the kitchen, because part of this reno is to my office and to me and my husband's bedroom, as well as my daughter's room and my husband's office as well. So I'm so sorry, I'm yawning, but you know what. This is how I feel. I can't. I'm not going to cut it out, I'm not, because you guys need to know like the commitment to deliver this episode through tiredness, yeah, yeah, yeah, and I have to edit, by the way, and it's only about 10, 10, 35. Usually I'm in bed by like one on a bad day, so I'm beat, um, and also, I need to go sleep in my daughter's room as well, because we haven't put the toddler gates up and I'm terrified of her coming out daughter's room as well, because we haven't put the toddler gates up and I'm terrified of her coming out of her room and thinking that she can walk downstairs. She's only two, anyway. So, yeah, return to office, but I do actually want to give people a glimmer of hope in all of this, because I don't think that you should have to accept something that you don't want to. And I get that the market is bad, so you're almost like over a barrel.

Speaker 1:

But, um, about two years ago I had a meeting, I had an interview sorry, um with a very like well-renowned company, like they're like y'all know, like it was big and it was for a contract role and bear in mind, at this time, contract IR inside IR35. I mean it's just like perm, just without the perks, let's be real. So when they advertised this role, they said three days a week in the office, all this shit right. So I already know that I'm not doing it, but I thought let me just have this meet in this interview. Oh, the interviewer there was two of them, one of them she was a right bitch, okay, she kept cutting me up. You know she's just trying to like lord it to me that she's the boss. You know it was actually embarrassing. Her other colleague was actually really lovely and actually he had heard of some of the projects I'd worked on before. So it became like the baseline for my interview. So it went really well.

Speaker 1:

And towards the end of the interview, which was more like an interrogation, to be fair. She says, oh, we've got other people to interview so we probably won't come back to you by the end of the week. So I was like, all right, cool. And she goes if it's not the end of the week, it's going to be the end of the following week. So I don't know.

Speaker 1:

In my head I was like, okay, this one, everybody wants this job. I'll be you. If you want me, you'll find me. And that's always been my attitude, especially because I know what I bring to the table. And I felt like I'd interviewed well enough Within like I don't even think it was 24 hours, I get a call from the recruiter. They want to offer you the job. So I said, oh, that's great, she goes.

Speaker 1:

So when do you think you'll be able to start? I said, no, no, no. I said, first of all, we need to up that day rate. And then I said, well, what's this nonsense about three days a week in the office? And she was like, yes, it's a hybrid role and they want three days. So I said, well, I'm not doing three days. I said I do one day a week and it needs to be justified and they're paying for it, but I'm not doing three days because you're not giving me like the client is not, like it's not like they have suppliers or third party people who are actually in their offices. So I'm not on client's side. They've made it really clear they don't want anyone on client's side. So how does this make sense? It doesn't make sense. The one day a week I could try and stomach it, but every week they have to justify to me why I'm making that trip to come into London to have you know, like if it's to see the whites of my eyes, that's not going to work for me. Take it back to them and I said this is a deal breaker. And she goes, oh, but say, if they say two days a week, I says, well then it's a deal breaker, isn't it? One day a week? So I won't accept two days. Literally, within like two hours she came back to me and they said, yep, they'll accept it.

Speaker 1:

I realized even more so because sometimes you need your realizations to be reinforced and I, I, it was reinforced to me that listen, when you see advertised, oh, three days a week, hybrid, four days a week, hybrid. Don't let that put you off interviewing. Go to that interview. Show them how you're going to deliver, ace, that interview, interview masterclass, toyotalkscom. Give it to them and what will happen is, psychologically, they're going to attach the role to you. They're going to attach it to your experience. They're going to imagine you in their teams. Your personality is going to win them over. They're expecting you to negotiate on salary at least, but less on the hybrid element of the working. But that shouldn't put you off. I have to be really honest. Anyone who doesn't negotiate anything. I think it sends the wrong message to the employer that you're willing to accept anything. That's what it shows them.

Speaker 1:

I feel like when you negotiate, you're letting them know that actually I know my value and what you've advertised doesn't sit with me in terms of what I know I can give to y'all. So I'm going to need you to come to the table. We need a win-win resolution here and I will always hold that as an example, as as I do a couple of others, but that more more recently, that actually, if there is a role and I you know, I know I can do it, whether it's three days a week, whatever, I'm going to interview and I'm, and then I'm going to negotiate, because that's my attitude towards salaries and day rates. I'll never accept what they offer. You've got a whole budget line. You've got a whole budget line. And if it costs me the role, then that's fine, because I know, at the end of the day, I've been in situations where they haven't picked me. It hasn't worked out with who they've chosen because they wanted the personal and the cheap. They come back to me. It hasn't worked out with who they've chosen because they wanted the personal and the cheap. They come back to me. It's happened as a perm, it's happened as a contractor.

Speaker 1:

So you have to believe in your secret sauce. You've got to know that. You're not new to this, do you understand? Like, you're not new to this, you grew to this. So why would you compromise on the things that are even non-negotiables? Or why would you compromise on things that you? You know that, in order for you to get, you're going to have to negotiate and you're going to have to just take a risk on yourself and truly believe in yourself. That's my view and that's my approach, and that's why I wanted to kind of share that with you.

Speaker 1:

Because, yeah, the ecosystem of the world of work has changed significantly and I think a lot of the driver force for that is the current social economic crisis here in the UK. I think politics as well, definitely politics and also I just think the whole like there just feels like this tension in society at the moment. There feels like there's a you know we talk about racial tensions, but there is a tension and it feels like it's brewing. You know, something's brewing and it's uncomfortable, it's concerning and unfortunately we're all living it and in living it we're living with the cost of living crisis and everything else.

Speaker 1:

It's actually really hard. It's difficult now, even those of us who society will say, oh, you're on reasonably good salary, it's still hard. And I think it's not about, oh, if you earn a certain amount of a threshold, oh yeah, you don't have it hard. No, it's actually really difficult because we're all going into one Sainsbury's, one Tesco's, one Asda, one Waitrose, one Morrison's, one, whatever, one Asda, one Waitrose, one Morrison's, one whatever, and that loaf of bread probably has 10p difference from all the stores. So we're relatively paying the same amount for things and it is really really pinching and there seems to be no stop. It's like every year it goes up, it goes up, it goes up, it goes up. If the salaries were going up, fair, fair enough, but it feels like you're always on the back back foot of an increase. It could be gas, electricity, water, council tax. There is no like cap and that's what makes it scary, because uk has been ranked the highest, the most expensive um in terms of tax in the world. As a country. It's expensive tax in the world. Uk ranks at number eight and that's a disgrace, it's a shame and unfortunately this is where we are until we decide to emigrate.

Speaker 1:

So I want to talk a little bit about mentoring and I feel like I've never had an episode dedicated to mentoring. I feel like there has been, like it's been mentioned pervasively, but I haven't actually tackled it as a topic. Right? What is mentoring? Let me where's my phone? I'm gonna ask chat GPT while while we're talking.

Speaker 1:

What is mentoring? Because I have my own definition of mentoring. But let me ask Chachi PT, right? So Chachi PT says mentoring is a professional or personal development relationship where a more experienced person the mentor provides guidance, support and knowledge to a less experienced person the mentee or protege. Less experienced person, the mentee or protege. It's not about telling someone what to do, but about sharing knowledge and experience, offering insights, lessons learned and advice, guiding and supporting, helping the mentee set goals, solve problems and navigate challenges, encouraging growth, building confidence, developing skills and broadening perspectives. Creating opportunities, opening doors to networks, resources and experiences. Mentoring can be formal, structured programs in workplaces, schools or communities, or informal, naturally developed relationships. Think of it as a partnership the mentor provides perspective and experience and the mentee brings openness, curiosity and a drive to grow.

Speaker 1:

I think the problem we have with mentorship, especially in the UK especially and I speak obviously from a woman's perspective I think mentorship, in order for you to truly benefit from a mentorship, that person needs to mentor you into money, progression and advancement. However, I feel like mentorship is often used as a controlling element of growth. I think mentoring is problematic and it's problematic because I feel like the people who are mentoring aren't giving you the blueprint to honest conversation about getting that career development and getting to the money. Because, ultimately, why would you have a mentor Like unless there were set goals and there was that level of openness where you can say, actually, mentor, I'm interested in making as much money as I can in this organisation, but you can't have those. You can't be that honest and I think, in as much as I feel like mentorship isn't great, I think it's about how you manage this mentorship. So I'll give you an example.

Speaker 1:

I've got a mentor and I say the word mentor very, very loosely, because he doesn't actually add any type of goals or anything like that because I do that all myself. I believe in manifestation. I set my own goals and objectives for the year. I set objectives for work and career, um, that my my side hustles I call them side hustles, um for my family. So I I set those things and I have vision boards and I'm very spiritual about it. I'm very intentional, right. So any type of mentor that I would have, it is for advancement.

Speaker 1:

So I made a decision there was somebody in it. And let me just be really real with you about something your mentors have to be strategic, otherwise it makes no fucking sense. Some of you are meeting your mentors in restaurants and you're just talking gibberish here. You're telling them your problems and they're telling you like quotes and encourage this fucking shit. Ultimately, the goal is to be dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, and sometimes I feel like you can't always have those honest conversations anyway.

Speaker 1:

So there's the someone I work with and he's been in the organization for a really really long time. We get on really really well and actually, um, one of the reasons we we get on is because we have like shared kind of you know things. So he he basically spent a lot of time in North London, for example, so I could hear his very London accent, if that makes sense, and obviously I'm a Tottenham, north London native. So we kind of like there was kind of that familiarity or like you know, I mean like it was nice, so kind of built from there. But he's always been very encouraging of me. He's always been very supportive on the projects. Whenever, like there's an issue or anything to do with certain areas of within delivery like him, him and I are quite unified in our thought process. So I thought he's very well respected and he is in rooms that I know I would like my name to be mentioned and I need to use this particular project I'm on to kind of deliver it in such a way that he then is able to like market me. Do you know what I mean? Like, for me, picking him was so strategic and I'm now going to give you a testimony of how strategic. So remember I said to you last week and the week before in the episodes that I feel like my boss is setting me up, um, I'm not really happy looking at other opportunities. So I that continues to be the case. Okay, in terms of looking for other opportunities, and I've always said you are the architect of your career, so me I'm building.

Speaker 1:

So yesterday I get a call. I get a call, I get a message from, and let's call him Alex, we'll just call him Alex. So Alex then says Toy, I need to talk to you about something. So I thought Alex was messaging me to talk about this three day a week mandate. So he gets on the call with me and I said, listen, I'm not doing this three days a week, so if that's what you're calling me for, that's not doing it. And he was like oh, so you're not doing it. And he was like oh, so you're not doing it. I was like no, and he's like so what are we talking about? I was like I just said I'm not doing the three days because, no, no, that's not what I called you for. So he was like oh, there's this massive project, um, and it's just, it's about to become live.

Speaker 1:

And we was in a kickoff meeting and they were talking about how they need commercial contract management support to be able to deliver this and that they don't have anything. Everything's in its infancy. And he was like a lot of the people who you're currently on a project with will also be delivering this project, and I basically said to them on no uncertain terms that they need to engage with you, that you have successfully delivered the current project and now are maintaining the delivery in terms of commercial contract support, risk assessment and all of that stuff, and I've basically thrown your hat in the ring. I've also spoken to your line manager and said this has come up. There's a certain level of experience that's going to be required, and Toya and your team has that experience and we want her to join the project.

Speaker 1:

So when he's saying this to me, I'm completely quiet. Alex is literally saying all of this stuff. So then I said, alex, do you know what? I really appreciate you introducing me in my name in rooms that I'm not in, and for me, this is what a challenge looks like in terms of growth, in terms of bonuses next year, um, and in terms of career development, and you didn't have to do this, but I really appreciate it goes to her. You're one of the best when it comes to this, so I couldn't think of anyone else more deserving of this opportunity. I just hope that your boss engages you, because if he thinks he can do it himself, he can't. There's a certain level of technical experience from a commercial side that is required and you have it and you know with what you deliver the current project, so this other project. You probably have to do both. Not such a a problem with that. To me, that's how mentors roll. You understand me and I say mentors so loosely, but part of the reason why I asked him to be a mentor is because I know that, as a white man, he's going to give me access.

Speaker 1:

I feel like some of you have mentors and they're not in their rooms. It just happens to be. You're in the same profession. They have more experience. That's why you pick your mentors't. They're not in them rooms, it just happens to be in the same profession. They have more experience. That's why you pick your mentors. You're not strategic about your mentors because my my mentor, like they're not only well respected but he's in them rooms. In it it makes sense and I genuinely like him. He's a really nice guy, but that to me is a beneficial but beneficially healthy, conducive type of mentor.

Speaker 1:

Now, bear in mind, with Alex, I probably speak to him once every two months and it's not like a check-in, it's more how you doing. That's it. I don't need the hopes and dreams, I don't need the goal set. I don't need any of that. I need influence, and I feel like a lot of you don't have mentors that can have influence, and that's the problem, because influence is power. Power gives you access to change options. It gives you the ability to whet your appetite. But if, if you have mentors that don't have that level of influence, you're going to be having these coffee meetups with them until your mouth burns on the coffee cup. It's fucking boring.

Speaker 1:

There was one lady I was talking to a few months ago and she was like, oh, I'm going to meet my mentor. These times she'd called me up looking for a job. So I'm thinking if you've got a mentor, why are you ringing me up looking for a job? What is your mentor doing? Just carrying big title but blockhead. That's what I wanted to say to her. How can you have a mentor of substance and you're looking for a job? It's not. And I'm not saying that, oh, if you have a mentor, you should be looking for a job. That's not what I'm, but you're coming to me about your CV. You're coming this, this, this and the other, but you have a mentor. Shouldn't they be the ones to support you through looking for this new job because they have that influence? They have industry contacts. Like how are you leveraging this mentor to your benefit is what I'm asking you all. Because there's only so much going for drinking. You can do happy hour. It's not every hour. Some of you are picking the wrong mentors.

Speaker 1:

I like money. I need the money, money, money, money. I need to get to the money. I just told you inflation. You're coming here to be my mentor. Put your money in my pocket.

Speaker 1:

What's all this nonsense? Mentor, mentor, mentor, mentor, mr mentor, mrs, mentor. But I specifically find it with black women. With black women, I find it it's almost like a badge of honor to say you got a mentor. It's rubbish if there's no influence in that mentor. If I'm having a mentor, you need to be inviting me to Somerset house. Yeah, that's the type of mentor I need influence. I don't want a back back street mentor. You just goddamn it and talk rubbish and eat chicken and bread. I don't want that and I'm not I. I think if you have the right type of mentor, you never have to meet that person in person. You don't have to do tea and coffee. That person genuinely is invested in your success and at every opportunity, that person is giving you opportunities to attain that success. But no, you all just want to say you have a mentor just so that you can boost your ego or just to feel big and bold. It's all nonsense.

Speaker 1:

Mentor, but you've been unemployed for six months. Where's your mentor been? What are they doing to get you employed? Have they reviewed your cv? Have they used their contacts? Because this is the problem a mentor without a contacts is just a friend. That one is not mental, and I'm saying this and some of you now will just be talking about me in your group chats.

Speaker 1:

But I'm telling you the gospel truth. I need advancement and, as black women, let's not be ashamed to say, part of that advancement is financial. How are you, mr or Mrs mentor, gonna get, how are you going to get me up that career ladder? How are you going to enable me to understand how I'm going to navigate these treacherous waters? Oh, no, no, not you lot, some of you lot. This mentor. You're building relationship. You're building rapport these times. You've been in the same job, same position for over five years, no up, no down, but you're still coming to tell me about your mentor. Your mentor has failed you. My love, that mentor is not invested in you because they should be lifting you up and creating opportunities that, had you not had that mentor, you would not be able to achieve. That. That's it, that's it, no. But instead you know they're just doing nonsense.

Speaker 1:

Um, I read somewhere that mentorship is about raising visibility of new talent. It's not just new. What about us established talent? We are very talented. What about about established talent? And the thing is there are mentors that feel so threatened by the new entry that they will be an obstacle and stumbling block, so they don't create those opportunities for you to leverage them to achieve your goals and succeed. Some people just like to write on their CV just to say, ok, I had a mentor, but in reality, what did that mentor deliver for the mentee? Some people say, well, it's not all. One way, toya, it's not just. It is when the mentee thinks they can gain something from that blockhead of yours. It is one way because you're supposed to be the experience and establishment and I'm going to say this as well.

Speaker 1:

I do not mentor because I do not have the time commitment required to be able to mentor properly and I will not do a half job. I will not. For me, I feel like I collectively mentor everybody through the podcast and we have the dilemmas. That further elevates kind of the advice I'm going to give you. So for me, mentorship is a collective effort and I have been doing it for over five years now as part of the podcast. But you see how my mentorship operates through the podcast. I'm not asking you to spend your money. I'm not asking you to decide whether you're going to pay for your mentor or not at this dinner that you didn't ask for.

Speaker 1:

I'm not the type of person to hoard information. I will openly share that information, but I will do it on the podcast that everybody has access to it. It's about fairness and access to that information. That's why I believe I mentor through the podcast, because I just don't have the commitment and don't get it twisted To be a mentor. There is a commitment as well that you have to give, but it should be in my mind what a mentor would expect to give, because that's the name of the game, you understand, but it's about finding the right mentor.

Speaker 1:

Why have you picked this person? What are they able to deliver? What are their deliverables and are they able? What kpis have you put in place for this mentor? Yeah, we need key performance indicators. I need to know if your performance is indicating that, on for a prolonged period of time, you'll you'll be able to benefit me as my mentor. That's it. I don't need to go on about this, but I don't know who this needs to land with. But we've been taxiing down this runway and we have now landed.

Speaker 1:

If you're going to have a mentor, just make it make sense and don't be beholden to this mentor and hanging off their every word, because a lot of these mentors are not honest about how they got to their position. That's number one and number two they want you to keep feeding their ego, even though they know their job is done. So my thing is enter mentorship with your eyes wide open. If it's something you want to pursue, then you've got to be strategic about who you select and what you get from them. It's not a free thing. There has to be an exchange of information. There has to be something you get from them Because, for me, if you're choosing somebody for their experience in mentoring, then that experience has to hold, have value to you. It's not just about how they talk you talk, you talk, you to your ears fall off. It's about okay, they have all this experience, how can they connect me to this person that could give me this? That's mentorship in this true form. Those who have ears. May them hear and receive what I'm saying.

Speaker 1:

So the mayor of london, sadiq khan, the way donald trump dragged sadiq khan during his recent state visit here to the uk. Sadiq khan, the way trump disrespected sadiq khan. Wow, he's so wow. And sadiq khan, I don't me, I don't know this, mayor, that you're doing. We need to see your deliverables, because the last time I checked, congestion charges was going up. Everything's going up, and yet you're coming here to talk a shit.

Speaker 1:

The mayor of london now earns 170 000 pounds after accepting a pay rise of, I think, over a thousand pounds, which, no, um, after accepting a pay rise. However, he now earns more than a thousand pounds more than the prime minister. Kia starmo is entitled to 93 904 pounds, but he accepts 75 440 pounds as a ministerial salary. I said, you know one thing I'm gonna like. I like the transparency. This is the transparency we need, airlifted into our workplaces. I like this.

Speaker 1:

However, it whether sadiq khan is deserving of that 170k or not. It's neither here nor there. He negotiated his way to this point and I respect the hustle. If there's anybody that should be concerned or have any questions, kia stammer. But we all know that he makes up for the shortfall. He does things he must do, like engagements and things like that. I mean, come on, there's there's no way that a sitting prime minister openly admits his salary and then we all find out the mayor of london and the crime stats worsening and everything in his room it just getting worse. Yet he still earns more than the prime minister, but under the current tax regime he's getting stung 60 tax. So for me, 170 000 probably equates to how much the actual prime minister gets after tax. So, sadiq khan, in as much as we appreciate the transparency, because I always believe that we need to stop having salary talk shrouded in this secrecy and mystery, because it just leads to all types of problems. However, I don't think people should be getting on to sadiq khan, albeit that his crime stats are mad. It's a muzzle if you're looking at just the bare bones of how much he earns, then his starting negotiation point was probably really good and he's now ended up in a situation where, yeah, he earns more than prime minister you don't know. Whatever else sadiq khan you know it does to, you know, but obviously as an mp, they have to declare everything. But the point is I'm not mad at him at all.

Speaker 1:

Listen the way I am back for this podcast. I really be doing the things. So I recently went on a course um that dealt with the equality act, act 2010 and specifically the definition of disability and what the legal obligation is of workplaces, etc. And it was so interesting, more so because if you are neurodivergent, it's obviously an umbrella for kind of the subset of neurodivergence, kind of the subset of neurodivergence. However, the equality act 2010 defines what a disability is and it includes neurodivergent individuals.

Speaker 1:

The reason I raise this is because some of you may not know that whether you make a declaration, whether you declare this to your workplaces or not, to be neurodivergent, you are protected class because it's considered a disability under the um equality act and as a protected uh class, it means that they will have to and I say they, as in workplaces, have to make sure they accommodate, support you and create, um, create like a, an environment of work and I'm saying specifically for work, because obviously that's what we talk about, a majority of what we talk about here on the podcast. Sorry, my dining room table chairs they sound like I'm having a fart, but I'm really not. Um, and I say all of this to say I I, for example, have not declared I'm neurodivergent at work and I I have, on many episodes shared and also on my Instagram, shared why I just don't feel that the workplace is a safe place for black women, less so safe when kind of sharing vulnerabilities and I don't know how me declaring it will kind of do anything positive with my organization. I just kind of feel like, you know I'm high functioning. I also so I have ADHD. I'm high functioning. I have dyslexia, which is considered a disability as well. Um, and you know I have been, you know it. It's just I'm trying to tell you everything but, um, yeah, so I'm definitely neurodivergent. But the point is, I feel like, as black woman, we know what it's like in the workplace. As a woman, we understand the complexities and the prejudice that sits in terms of gender politics in the workplace and then you add that intersectionality between race and gender and, as a black woman, it's just not a safe space. You know, new paragraph. It's just not a safe space. You know, new paragraph.

Speaker 1:

However, it was important that I went on this course to fully understand how people with neurodivergent and who are neurodivergent are protected by by the law and what the law has said to include, because the inclusion of neurodivergent is very recent, so I need to understand. And also it lends itself to the world of work where, for example, there was a tiktoker and I have to reply on tiktok where he basically shared that he went for an interview process. He was offered a senior role once he was made he, he was offered, he signed the contract. When he signed the contract, he declared that he was neurodivergent, at which point they responded by saying to him that actually, the job that they advertised and he applied for and they offered him and he signed a contract for, is no longer available, should have been a more junior role. So they're going to need him to accept the junior role even though he's just signed a contract for the more senior role. Um, but he needs to accept the more junior role and they'll amend his contract or print a new contract for him to sign, and he shared that and there were so many things ringing in my head because he was like he doesn't know what to do and what he doesn't want to do is have like any ag or stress just before he starts to drop, which led me to believe that he was going to accept this.

Speaker 1:

But this is discrimination on the basis of a disclosure of neurodivergent, which is covered under the equality act 2020, 10, which defines disabilities. He could sue them. He just needs them to say everything like what he said in writing and he's got them in employment tribunal. Because you don't have to wait or you know, there's no prerequisites. If it can be proven that you were discriminated against under the Equality Act, somebody could take you to employment tribunal and if he's got the evidence, he'll win.

Speaker 1:

And it's a shame because I could tell that he was fed up and he didn't know what to do and I'd been meaning to reply and I don't think he's given an update on kind of what's happened. It'd be interesting to know and he seemed so lovely as well, like so excited, but I feel like the pressure to just have a job will cause him to accept this lower job, lower title job. But can you see why it's important to remain kind of like on the forefront and abreast of the changes that happen within the law, because something like that could never happen to us? No, because we know our rights and we know that we're not going to take it lying down. But someone like him, who maybe is unaware of his rights and has not necessarily discovered the toy tools podcast, is willing to consider the fact that he should accept the lower um junior position because probably in his mind, you know, you know, threatening court or going to court or even challenging it, it's just far too intense for him. But the reality is, no matter how intense, it's not intense for them. And remember, if they're offering him, um, a more junior role, he's going to get more junior pay. How does this even work? I just am shocked that there's still organizations that do this and think they can get away with it, because in this economy, in this kiyostama government, it's impossible, especially with all the changes that happen in employment law over the last three years. Right, he's protected.

Speaker 1:

So maybe I'll do a tiktok response, which I should have done a couple of weeks ago. So if you want to follow me on tiktok. My handle is toy washington, which is all one word. Anyway, let's move on. Um, listen, hmm, when you've made a decision about no, when you have gone through stuff and you've made a decision to learn and to grow and to be better, and you tell the universe listen, I've learned from this.

Speaker 1:

The universe has a way of checking in to see either create a situation whereby you are faced with similar choices that would have led you to kind of make the change you did, are faced with similar choices that would have led you to kind of make the change you did, and you are then propelled into a situation where you're being confronted with something that you've grown from, and then you now have to demonstrate how you've grown from it. So, for example, in my case, I'm an ex-people pleaser. I've been over backwards with friends and been slapped around the face. I've been like, taken advantage of and disrespected. But all of this and part of this, if not all of it, is due to not having boundaries myself and not knowing my own self-worth, and a lot of that is kind of down to my dysfunctional relationship with my mum, who's like the first female friend one would would have because it would be your mum, right, that's an introduction into your own femininity, because you identify with the female in your home.

Speaker 1:

And I think that I've just gotten to that point where in my life and I don't know if it's since turning 40, because I definitely didn't know I felt this way before is that I will not allow anyone to take the piss out of me. I will challenge what makes me uncomfortable. I will have those difficult conversations and I'm unwilling to be uncomfortable for somebody else's comfort. It's just not going to happen. So someone I know, and I would possibly say this person's a new friend. Well, I don't even like the word friend. New acquaintance, that is auditioning for the role of friendship and that is what it is. Go read something, because it is. It's not about how you see yourself, but I feel like new friends. We all go through an audition and it takes circumstance to. It takes circumstance to call someone a friend. It's deep, it's spiritual, anyway.

Speaker 1:

So, um, god, I just went blank. Yeah, so this uh, quote unquote friend I've not known for very long. She needed me to sign something. Long story short. I said all right, let's meet on Friday. Come to my neck of the woods. Um, because I'm personally for me. I'm not gonna pay however amount I need to pay to get into London for something that she needs. Do you understand? My thing is, if you need it, then you'll come to me. So she needs to sign it because you need a professional signature. Okay, cool, so this is Friday.

Speaker 1:

So then I get a message from her. She's like, oh, she can't do Friday because her friend is having a birthday dinner. The seriousness of the documents that she needs me to sign for her. I thought, right, so what you're demonstrating to me is this is not a priority for you, and that's fine. But then if it's not a priority for you, then it definitely isn't one for me anyway. But I can see this is not important. Long story short.

Speaker 1:

She then contacts me and says, oh, can you do x day? And I was like, okay, fine. But then I got a message from Ikea to say we're about to deliver all your staff. So I messaged her. I said, listen, ikea are delivering all my staff. Unfortunately, I all your staff. So I messaged her. I said, listen, ikea, delivering all my staff. Unfortunately, I can't make it on this Monday. Remember? I had suggested the Sunday you went to go to your friend's birthday dinner. Here we are.

Speaker 1:

So within like half an hour, I get a message from her saying right, toya, I'm coming down to yours on Wednesday for you to sign. I says whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't know my plans for Wednesday. You can't just invite yourself over to me. No, no, that's not how this works. This is my availability. And she's like oh, I can't do those days. I said listen, your friend's birthday dinner was important to you, right? She said yes. I said and because of that, you postponed your meeting with me, even though your meeting with me is actually imperative that I sign this because you need this so bad. But you prioritise your friend's dinner and there's nothing wrong with that. But now what's not going to happen is your urgency. It's not going to be my priority. It doesn't work like that. So, eva, this is what I'm able to do. Eva, you can accommodate, and if you can't, then you find somebody else.

Speaker 1:

She didn't like that much, but I didn't care. I didn't give a shit, because time used to be that I would go out of my way to prove that I'm a good person, to prove I'm a good friend, I would pay that £35, was it £25, to go into London to sign her form and then I'd come back Because in my head, that's what friendship friendship was? You go out of your way. If I'm gonna go out of my way, it's gonna have to be a really, really good friend of mine that I know that that friendship has been tried and tested, because then it doesn't feel like you're going out of your way, it's just a natural rhythm of your friendship, whereas with a new friend and a new friend for me is anyone up to two years that's new.

Speaker 1:

Now, being an ex-people pleaser also means I have to police my responses, because I have to make sure my default isn't to please if it doesn't please me. Now, whether this so-called friend likes it or not, the reality is, I will never, ever, ever, make myself feel guilty for not going over and above when, in fact, you've downgraded the priority of your needs. You can't want more for someone than they want for themselves, and the reality is this Friendships are mutually beneficial and they should be, but what can't happen is you've got one person continuously watering a garden and yours has a drought. You chose to go to your friend's birthday party and that is fine or birthday dinner at the, at the risk of this thing not being signed. So. So then, now it's urgent. And I even said to her it's urgent now because you've already ate the birthday dinner, innit, don't fucking play with me.

Speaker 1:

But this is the way that ancestors test whether you learnt your lesson. Have you understood how to hold your time close to you? Do you know your value enough? And if you know your value, stop cheapening yourself. Stop thinking that you have to prove yourself and prove your self-worth is from you, not from what you can do for others. That should be a bonus. And remember what you're doing for others you do with a clean heart and it's received in that way.

Speaker 1:

But entitlement is audaciously a bastard and people will take advantage where there's opportunity to take advantage. If you do not police your kindness and in loving me I'm protecting myself, and part of that protection is protecting my kindness you can't invite yourself over because now you're frustrated so you think you can bombard you, can't? I'm one of those people. If you invite yourself here, you'll be outside me. I've done it before. You have done it before where somebody invited themselves over. They were outside calling my name. These times I went to the toilet, had a nice big shit and then had a shower, I pretend I didn't hear anything. Calling, calling, calling, calling, calling, calling, calling who is my own? And then, when I finished in that shower, I went on Snapchat.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, you are never going to place the pressure of friendship on me. It needs to be, it needs to be organic, but respect has to also be there. This over and above, above and beyond, I'm sorry, but new friendships. After two years, we're all auditioning and me, if I failed my audition, she should reject me. I will not come back and re-audition. That's the truth. I know my worth and I'm not willing to compromise that worth in the hope that you'll see the good in me, the fact that you want to be my friend. That's it. There has to be a supreme level of confidence and self-love that you value yourself enough to not cheapen your value by just giving yourself freely.

Speaker 1:

It is about getting to know people, building foundations and sometimes that when you build that foundation, that foundation is weak. You learn to walk away, and that's where I'm at. I don't know if it's my 40s that this is, I don't know, but I'm at peace with saying no and not worrying about how that affects you, because it's not my business, that doesn't concern me. I want my friends to like me and love me for who I am, and I know my friends who are established, my like over the years, tried and tested. But these new ones, I'm trying my very best, but the new ones are coming with problem. They are these new, these new friends, they're coming with old, old trainers. That's, my friends is always with old trainers.

Speaker 1:

Anyway, I wanted to share that because I I it just became very apparent to me that the ancestors wanted to test me to see whether I will be comfortable making someone else uncomfortable without over, kind of like giving myself in the hope that no, that that time has passed, bro. That's when they say oh, I love, I would have loved to have known you years ago. No, you wouldn't have. Well, yes, you would have, because then you could have used and abused me and tossed me aside. But God said no. God said you, my dear love, are going to learn from your mistakes and move on. Them ancestors don't play about me. I tell you that much.

Speaker 1:

Jeremy Corbyn and Zahara Sultana, who basically created the party called the your Party and I'd spoken about this two episodes ago that I'm going to do some research. I'd love to get Jeremy Corbyn onto the podcast, all of that, all of that. So, as I'm in the process of trying to like see if I could get Jeremy Corbyn like I I'm in the process of trying to like see if I could get Jeremy Corbyn like I'm really kind of speaking to people here and you know, then an almighty ruckus blows up between Jeremy Corbyn and Zahara Sultana. Zahara Sultana used to be part of the Labour Party and she left. I would say she defected. But whatever, she left and joined the your party that she claims was co-founded between her and Jeremy Corbyn. But the point here is, I think your Party is maybe extinct before they even got off the ground Because Zahara Zoltana has accused Jeremy Corbyn of creating a party that's like an old boys club and that is like oof.

Speaker 1:

That's almost career ending, especially if she was giving examples with more detail. But it's enough for people to call into question, like what's happening with this party and nemo had gone out last, was it last week was a couple of days ago, I think it was last week that basically said oh, you know, they're, they're opening up the party. If you want to join and this is how much you know we we will need for you to join and, to be honest, if I was just sitting there on the trail probably would have read it, probably would have donated. But then apparently Jeremy Corbyn didn't know that email went out and apparently was signed off by Zahara Sultana. So they've royally fallen out and the general consensus is, wow, like all this infighting before, you've actually kind of, you know, thrown your hat in the ring to see if your party could be a member of parliament and move to, you know, holding office.

Speaker 1:

That's not what's happened here, um, and I'm staying abreast of the developing story here but what, what I think has happened with those two so publicly having this spat and this ruckus and all this stuff and Zara, um, you know, basically basically labeling um, jeremy Corbyn almost careless for kind of creating this type of party that's an old boys club, as she alleges. How are we then supposed to trust this party if they're infighting the side of any and personally I wouldn't him. Creating an old boys club would make me nervous about supporting in the first place, especially as a woman. So, yeah, they're having big problems and I don't know if they'll be able to get the party off the ground. Who do you trust? You know, jeremy Corbyn is the face of the your party. But I think what happened is he allows Zahara Zoltana to railroad him and she done so very publicly and I think Jeremy Corbyn then couldn't kind of retract, or you. So I think he's waiting for this to blow over before they decide their next move. But moral of the story is I am not signing until I understand what the party does. If the party can represent me and my needs and if they can actually create an impact and I think up until this fallout between Jeremy Corbyn and Zahara Sultana, I think they could have between Jeremy Corbyn and Zahara Sultana, I think they could have. But now I think the party has decided divided and it's going to fall, which is a shame because I think Jeremy Corbyn was really at the forefront of the, you know, developing this new party. But as it as it seems, it's probably not going to go anywhere.

Speaker 1:

But let's keep abreast and I'll let you guys know kind of what goes on with that. But listen, I'm going to call this episode to a close and I know it's not the normal time, the normal love. I consider this episode like a check-in, like it's check-in. I am so damn tired and I kind of need to get through these two days, this home reno, and then I'll be back bolder and fresher with a you know juicy episode. This one is like hey, everyone, how you doing everyone? Bye everyone. That's what this is, so we're gonna let me have this, okay.

Speaker 1:

Uh, those of you who have signed up to sistersgribblecom, my stationery company I see you and I will shortly be announcing when the website will go live. I'm just waiting. Waiting for my um, my supplies. Basically, I've ordered everything from my supplier. I need to check that. Actually, when is that arriving? That is such an interesting question because I ordered the stock last week. Anyway, I will check um. But yeah, if you want to follow me um, on Instagram, for my stationery company, it's called Sister Scribble. On Instagram, for my stationery company, it's called sister scribble s-i-s-t-a-h scribble s-c-r-i-b-b-l-e dot com. If you want to follow me on social media, my handles are toyah washington, which is one word, or toyah underscore talks.

Speaker 1:

And if you have a work dilemma or even a life dilemma, we will treat your anonymity with the utmost respect. In the subject box, just put dilemma and be clear about what outcome you're seeking. Keep it brief. I am dyslexic, so if he's giving me four page letters I. It won't work for me, it will take me longer. So just short, sharp points. As much as possible, keep your emotion out of it, because we have to be operating from a strategic perspective, and that's not to say that your emotions aren't important, but in relation to your dilemma and kind of how I'm going to respond, we need to all see kind of be strategic and pragmatic about how that happens. So, yes, go ahead and tell me how things have affected you or how you feel, but understand that you can't lead in it as a solution to kind of resolve your dilemma.

Speaker 1:

If you want to follow me on tiktok, my handle is toy washington, or one word and um, I think I'm gonna leave it there. I just feel like, oh, I've had to end this abruptly. But, honey, I need to put something out, I need to edit it and I need to post it, but next week I'm back, and I'm back refreshed, because I would have damn well slept. Thank you so much for listening. Make sure you share this with your family and your friends. Let's get a conversation going on the group chat. Let me know what that is. If you need to contact me on socials, do so, and I look forward to next week's episode. Thank you so much for listening. My name is Toy Washington and you have been listening to the Toy Talks podcast and you have been listening to the toy talks podcast t-o-i-a.

Speaker 2:

Let me show you how to navigate and elevate. That's what we do. Black queen, energy girl no fantasy, just real talk, from classroom dreams to boardroom walk. Black woman power watch it shine. Breaking barriers, redesigning time from Tottenham roads to CEO, every step, teaching what we know, not just surviving but thriving more. Opening every closed door. Toya Talks, toya Talks, toya Talks. Black Queens to the top. And we're still going.