Audacious Audacity

A poll shock, a policy gamble, a courtroom reckoning, and a boundary that saves a life this episode traces how power, data, culture, and healing collide. We open with a blunt read on fresh numbers putting Nigel Farage within striking distance and ask the tougher question: when the main parties feel unmoored, how do we vote with integrity rather than despair? That thread pulls straight into Keir Starmer’s renewed digital ID push. We unpack the Tony Blair Institute’s influence, the risks of centralising identity, and why “digital by default” without ironclad security and strict limits is a civil liberties problem, not a modernisation plan.

The data story gets painfully real. Cyber attacks have moved from headlines to homes, taking down retailers and even a nursery targeted with stolen images and records. We talk practical defence password managers, multi‑factor authentication, data minimisation and call for sharper laws that fit the crime, especially when perpetrators operate within the UK. Accountability shows up in culture too. Noel Clarke’s failed libel suit against The Guardian leaves a £3m cost order and a clearer message: credible reporting and survivor testimony can stand in court, and industry gatekeepers must stop waiting for the courts to do the safeguarding they should have led.

Not everything is bleak. The Skims x Nike collaboration is a live case study in strategic branding: knowing your value, choosing partners that amplify it, and letting consistent delivery turn into reputation that travels without you. And then there’s the personal work. We share the reality of going no contact with a narcissistic parent after a traumatic birth a choice framed not by bitterness but by the pursuit of peace, therapy, and a safe, joyful home for a child. Boundaries, like encryption, are protective by design.

If you’re here for smart political analysis, digital privacy insight, culture with a backbone, and honest talk about healing, you’re in the right place. Listen, reflect, and tell us where you draw your own lines on data, on votes, on family. If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review to help more listeners find the conversation.

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Music (Intro and Outro) Written and created by Nomadic Star

• Stationary Company: Sistah Scribble
• Instagram: @sistahscribble
• Website: www.sistahscribble.com

Chapters

• 0:00 Opening: Polls, Power, and Digital IDs
• 1:22 Home Renovations and Soft Luxury
• 4:59 Giving Back After Postpartum
• 6:18 The Farage Threat and Voting Dilemmas
• 10:28 Calling Corbyn: Parties and Trust
• 12:28 Starmer’s Digital ID and Data Fears
• 19:12 Noel Clarke vs The Guardian
• 25:18 Cyber Attacks Hit Everyday Life
• 28:23 Skims x Nike: Brand Lessons
• 34:05 Black History Month and Networking
• 36:31 Choosing No Contact for Survival
• 54:18 Closing, Gratitude, and Next Week

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:00

A current survey conducted by UGov on 13,000 voters over the past three weeks suggested that if there were to be an election tomorrow, the current leader of Reform UK, Nigel Farage, would be on course to become the next Prime Minister of the UK. Scary. The current Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, has now announced his push for a digital ID card. Now, this concept won't be foreign to us. Those of us who remember the former Prime Minister Tony Blair, digital ID cards was pushed by him and actually it was part of his manifesto pledge. It crashed and burned. We're getting to cyber attacks and most recently to a nursery, and we discussed why Noel Clark now owes the Guardian newspaper three million pounds. Let's get into it. A week, child. Listen, before we get into the meat and potatoes, let me tell you. So last week uh we wanted to do some reno to the house. Um my daughter moved to her room. I think I shared that with you last week, but I wanted to get like a new wardrobe. Um, my husband's getting a new wardrobe as well, and we wanted to do some like stuff to the house because we've just gotten to a point where we realize we're not gonna buy another house. So, in as much as we feel like we've run out of space, we need to create the space, create more storage, um, use the expertise of our builder, and honestly, it was just exhausting. And I realize as well, like having a builder and people in your house, like that gives me anxiety, honestly, and I like my routines and the mess and the dirt, it just felt like chaos, like it just felt mad. Anyway, it's over now. Um, which I'm grateful for. There is some further work to be done to my husband's office, but for the most part, I'm loving my new wardrobe, I'm loving my new setup. I feel like I am in a position where I could like shoot content as well, especially for like TikTok and stuff. Um, and also just like I I always say this black women, we need to enjoy luxury, and luxury doesn't necessarily mean a 10,000 pound bag, but luxury is just the soft the luxury in the softness of the pursuit of nice things, and it could be just a nice chair or some like premium makeup, and we need to normalize this so that it doesn't feel like it's like um something that doesn't happen all the time. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think it's important and it's interesting, isn't it? Because on social media, when non-black people show any form of luxury, it's adorned, it's you know, it's fawned over. But when black people, especially black women, show any type of luxury, how did you get that? You're showing off, um, you're superficial, you're materialistic, and I'm at that point in my life now, I don't give a fuck anyway. I like nice things, I work hard for those nice things, I make sacrifices, and what you may consider as extra, maybe entry level for the type of life I choose to live. But the reality is, and I've always said this, and I will continue to say this black women deserve softness, and however that materializes, that's what should happen. I'm at that point in my life now where I just feel like I've just gone through so much that I just take joy out of things I can give and do for myself. Um, and don't get me wrong, like you know, it's not just I for me, I like doing things for myself. I'm quite I'm hyper-independent anyway. But I am the type of person who I like enjoy working for things, paying for things myself and not depending on anyone. I see my husband as a bone, like him giving me stuff as a bonus rather than oh, I expect it from him. Um for me, I just think I I will pursue any softness any way I I see fit. So for me, I went all out with my wardrobe, it looks amazing, and I'm happy with it. And give me an opportunity to get rid of loads of clothes as well. There is a um a mother and baby unit, um, they specialise in women who have really bad postpartum depression, and I have asked them, you know, I know people donate for the child for the babies, but what about the women? And um, they were like, 'Yeah, if you have anything, and I had stuff with tags on it, stuff that are far too big for me now, um, or you know, just stuff that I think actually, you know what, this is not really my style anymore, and I'm so grateful to be able to donate that. And I feel like there are situations where you do get to pay things forward, and that in itself is like the biggest blessing, and I can't wait to see the the look on um some of these women's faces when they receive it. And I'm gonna be doing a lot more charity work with that particular unit because I feel like women who go through postpartum often don't get diagnosed if if they're diagnosed on time. I'm one of those people that I was diagnosed, but I I wasn't given the opportunity, I don't even know this unit existed, and I could have benefited from it. But what I'm grateful for is the opportunity to give back because you know I went through postpartum, it was the most tumultuous period of my entire life. It was hard, it was difficult, but I'm I'm on the other side of it, and there's these women that I know that need that support, they need to know that they can kind of fight through, and they need the support and encouragement to be able to push through this postpartum. So I'm really happy to be able to do anything, however big or small, to really support these women, and it's a really big thing for me. Um I've spoken about Nigel Farage, I think at least the last few episodes, and I've been really, really clear about how dangerous he is, but also I think the fear of him being the next leader of the UK is very, is very, is very real. And I think people are starting to understand that a lot of these EDL members, I don't know where you think they they are, because they're not hiding, they're in plain sight, they're in your offices, they're part of your senior leadership, they're probably CEOs or CFOs of your companies, they're sitting as shareholders and board members. Like these people exist in the full audacious audacity of their existence to be able to spill out and spit out this vitriol that is fundamentally racist and fundamentally disgraceful and disgusting, but they get away with it. What I don't understand is um the former, I think it was the is it the home secretary? I think she was the home secretary, pretty patel. When the resurgence of Black Lives Matter happened, she was at the forefront of pushing for um protesting to be either suspended, regulated, or to put additional conditions on how people protested in within the wake and resurgence of BLM. However, you've got EDL members and you've got members who are just fundamentally racist and not the government are not doing anything, they're not putting stringent conditions upon how they protest. That's not happening. The freedom of expression is fully being exercised by these people. And I I if people were to say to me, okay, Satoy, what do we do about it? I would say use your feet, go to the polling stations, but then what do you do when you get there? Who are you voting for? Because as it stands right now, I've got to be honest, if they asked us to vote tomorrow, I would not be voting for Conservatives, and I definitely would not be voting for Labour. So what does that leave us with the Lib Dems? Ah Lord Mercy. Those people, when they were here during the coalition, they may as well not have been here, but I don't know what to do. When I figure it out, I am gonna share it with you guys because in that circumstance, if there was an election tomorrow, I actually really don't know. I don't know. Um, the you party has been just disappointed, and we spoke about that last week. Jeremy Corbyn, I just don't know. He just gives me calamity, you know? Like with his very well-intentioned, original core, like the the core of what Labour originally was is who he is, but all this fracas with his you party, and then I I got another email asking me to come and join and I was like, Have you sorted everything with Zahara Sultana? What's going on with that? Can I trust you guys, or should I just watch how things kind of evolve? And I think that's what I'm gonna do with the U Party. Again, if anyone has access to Jeremy Corbyn or anyone in his inner circle, can you please reach out to him or reach out to me or just put us together? Because I'd love to have Jeremy Corbyn on my podcast. I really would. I've got so many questions. Tara did, I'm gonna take him back way back. We got talk because I feel like in order for us to really understand this whole you party and what's happening and where it's going, I feel like you need to talk to him. I don't know how to get hold of him. Like, I'm just you know, I'm just like what a teardrop. Like, I'm I'm an I'm a small cog in a wheel, so maybe he he doesn't want to go on here. I don't know, but I will try, I'll continue to try. But calling out for any help and support to make that happen because I think it would be absolutely fantastic. I I'd go to him, y'all know I don't like leaving my house, but I would go because I've got so many questions, especially the current socio-economic climate, the current politic political climate as well. I think it'd be interesting to hear his perspective, irrespective of whether he's a leader of a party that he's now established. But what where is the direction we're going in? How did we get here? And what can we do? Because I think the art the question is what can we do now to change course? Because the course correction has to come from us in terms of who we vote for, like you know, what and the thing is once you voted for these people and they come in, there's nothing you could do. There's nothing, you know. So I don't know, but I'm gonna stay abreast of that. Um, more pressing is Keystama and these digital ID cards. So I've seen like the uproar on social media, and people like, no, I'm not doing this, this, this, this, and the third. But I have a couple of things I want to say. First of all, I I don't understand how digital ID cards tackle our migration crisis, our immigration crisis, because that's how Keostama is pushing it. But I'm not understanding how it will do that because we have passports, we've got driving licenses, we have national insurance cards, which are not used as ID. I get all of that, but I don't get how much more a digital ID because everything will be captured in in this one digital um ID card, but how I don't get how it how it does because if you get stopped by the police tomorrow, they ask you to produce if you don't have your detail your your information, you would take your passport, approof of address, driving license. So I don't get how different that I don't get it. So is this digital ID card replacing those things? I think that I I need to read more, but what is scary is the Tony Blair Institute, yeah. You got it here, Tony Blair Institute, uh, owned, run, functioned, CEO'd by the former Prime Minister of the UK, Tony Blair, have done this whole kind of research, investigation, um thought-out plan about how digital IDs will be introduced, implemented, and how it will function. So they've Keir Starmer is now basing his need and want to pursue this on the Tony Instony Blair institu uh Tony Blair Institute. Now, what becomes dangerous is in my opinion, is Tony Blair, when he was a former prime minister, he tried to push for digital IDs. You've got the Tony Blair Institute, which they have a lot of money, they have a lot of donors. Now, if two and two are equal to four, and four plus four equals eight, then digital ID cards and the Tony Blair Institute equals a problem. To me. I just don't see how this benefits us, but it what it does do is take away our autonomy. How? Well, if you now demand that everybody has a digital ID card and everyone's details and information is gonna be an essential, I don't see how you have much freedom to do much without it kind of going back to this centralized card or this centralized port. Given the rise in cyber attacks, and if you understand digital um data mining, if you understand why these cyber attacks are happening and what is happening off the back of cyber attacks, you should be actually petrified and scared of the possibility that digital ID cards will now be a way of life. I do counter this by saying a couple of things. A lot of people that are complaining about these digital digital ID cards, some of you are not okay because you're the same people that took this COVID vaccine. Now, what does this COVID vaccine got to do with digital ID cards? Well, do you not think they were mining your data when they were when you were getting this COVID vaccine? Do you not think they under they put took your details down, understanding the dose, all this information that you gave them freely? So you you might as well give them, you might as well accept a digital ID card because somewhere has your all your information, including probably, probably, all your DNA genetic uh kumbaya in a system. And here you are now arguing about digital ID cards, it doesn't make no fucking sense. Do you know what I think? Those people who got the COVID vaccine, it should be mandatory that you're the first rollout of this digital ID card. Because you are some of you, those of you who weren't um mandated to get the COVID vaccine, i.e., it wasn't a prerequisite for your jobs, those of you who freely made the decision, those of you are the ones that should be rolled out first in digital ID. I'm not um talking about people who had no choice because it was part of keeping their job. That's not who I'm not talking about you guys because y'all didn't have a job, didn't have a choice. Those of you who said, Oh, I'm getting this vaccine so I can go on holiday, they should test this digital um ID card on you guys. Now, in Europe, I know they have ID cards. I don't think it's digital. Well, actually it is because they've got a little chip inside the card. But I think for me, uh number one, I need to do a bit more research into this digital ID card. I and I am conducting an investigation, I am doing some research in the tone into the Tony Blair Institute. I am because two plus two is four, but four times five is not equal in the number it should. Something, something fish you go, you know, something doesn't make sense to me. And I feel like before everybody is like, I'm not getting it, I'm not getting it. If you're unable to do basic things unless you have a digital ID card, you will soon find a way to be doing it. So so my thing is, I I is there gonna be a referendum? Like, are are we gonna be able to vote for this? Is this arbitrary? Because that's how it's coming across. I think it would have to be arbitrary given that Tony Blair once tried and failed. Um, and this is not looking good for Keir Starmer, by the way. Recent polls of Keir Starmer shows that he's he's not very favoured by UK citizens, he's not very liked, and also this is spilling over into his party, they don't really like him in his party, you know. Oh, let me tell you. The girls and guys are talking, honey. There is rumblings, and if Keir Starmer is not careful, they'll oust him out. One thing we know about Labour, they will change a leader, honey. They will change a motherfucking leader. Yes, they will. Yes, they will. Don't let me don't don't don't let me start. Y'all know we we we covered all that, but Labour are not afraid to to change course. That's what they call it, changing course, honey. Y'all changing direction course and and and and and and everything. Um, so yeah, let's just kind of keep finger on the pulse of that. Um, digital ID cards. Noel Clark. Y'all know who Noel Clark is if you don't go and do your Googles because this guy makes me tired. So Noel Clark was has been accused of all sorts from harassment to inappropriate behavior to women on set, you name it. He has had extensive accusations made. Um, there was a police investigation and oh god, I don't know what's happening with my mic. Honestly, the devil is working hard today. I don't know if it's too close, too far. I don't know what this is. Anyway, so obviously the Guardian news, obviously, the Guardian newspaper then done an investigation, okay? And as part of this investigation, they spoke to several women who had accused Noel Clark of something. Now, the Guardian newspaper, although they had done all this research, they obviously reported, and they reported based on the research, and they used words like alleged you name it, you know, words they used language that would also still protect them. Now, a lot of their investigation they hadn't actually turned much of it over to the police because the police were really investigating, but at the point in which um they were investigating Noel Clark and reporting, Noel Clark then decides that he's gonna sue the Guardian newspaper for libel. Now, the way libel works here in the UK is effectively you're suing someone for defamation of character. So the burden of proof is on you to prove that the Guardian basically have met uh are lying, it's not true. Now, Noel Clark decides to seek legal counsel and then kind of this is all alleged because again, he hasn't confirmed or denied this, but he then decides that he wants to represent himself. I do want to reiterate something. The allegations that the Guardian tabled towards Noel Clark and they reported on is that Noel Clark is a sexual predator and he's accused of groping, harassment, and bullying by 20 women. Now, the reason why I wanted to emphasize that is the big big boy Guardian newspaper does an investigation. So if you one Noel Clark are gonna sue them, I would think that they he would ask for full disclosure because it was reported in 2021. The full, like what um the Guardian moral legend based on just speaking to these women who have been victims of Noel Clark, and you would have to go and do your own reading because I'm gonna take you to the water, honey. Well, I'll make you drink, and um, he then decides to sue. And in my belief, I think Noel Clark, this was about ego. I don't think this was about his reputation, I don't think it's about him trying to clear his name. I think this was about ego, and he wanted to go up against the big boys, and I felt like he wasn't being reasonable and rational. He had an axe to grind and he wanted to come out of this scot-free. But what I don't understand is you yourself must know that you've done these things. Do you understand? Like, there's 20 women, like let's look at this like for a moment. Are you trying to say all 20 women are lying against you? Do you know how crazy that sounds? That sounds crazy. All 20 women are lying, effectively. That's what he's trying to say. And who are you, the guardian, to report on this? I'ma sue you for libel. And he lost. Well, I say testified, but who spoke to the Guardian newspaper, he believes that they are credible witnesses and victims. That's what the judge said. He believes them. They said that Noel Clark was unreliable, that his testimony was not reliable. Um, and that's just a headline of what this what he uh the judge said. And now the judge has awarded costs to the guardian for their legal costs because I think the claim for libel by nine um Noel Clark, I think it was like 70 million or something, and he then decides, you know, that's what he's gonna sue them for. The judge basically said no, and he now owns the guardian three million in costs. Now I don't know if he can pay, I don't know if he's got it like that. What I do know if he can't pay, he may have to declare himself as bankrupt. But when I looked at everything in totality, the first question I ask is, how did you get to a liable? How? I can't remember what happened in terms of the police investigation, but I can only assume based on because I've read this ages ago. I like I I I read the whole case ages ago, and the police, I don't think the police did anything actually, because obviously he's out here suing. Um, but that tells you how much how I'm so disassociated with Noel Clark, like I'm so disgusted, and some of the the statements given by these women to The Guardian make your the hairs on your head on your back stand on end. It I you know it gets to a point I'm like okay, I have to stop, I can't read this no more, and that's where I got to. And Noel Clark has always given me very dark energy. Sorry, but not sorry. He's always given me very entitled, very dark energy. And I think ever since that guy from kiddinghood, I can't remember his name. Oh my god, I can't remember his name. Oh, God forgive me. I can't remember his name, but he had a mental health break, and he was basically saying Noel Clark bullied him, manipulated the industry against him. I can't remember his name, God forgive me, but I can't. Um, and ever since he did, he came out and said this this uh actor, well-known actor, came out and said this. There was always something that I said to myself, you know what, Noel Clark's hands are not clean. But one thing I know is that karma never forgets an address, and karma has found Noel Clark. Now, I don't think this gives any kind of comfort, support, or kind of gives the victims justice, but I think what this does do is give a textbook exercise on how ego can cause you extensive costs. You will pay the price for your ego. That's that's what Noel Clark teaches here. I think one other thing about Noel Clark is once so basically he'd lost the case, he now has to pay three million in costs. He was then recently arrested in his home, they raided his home, they took his laptop, they took all types of boxes, documents, and whatever, and they uh re-arrested Noel Clark. Now, why they re-arrested him is because obviously a lot of what The Guardian had um you know, research and things like that hadn't been turned over, it hadn't been um put before any type of court, but of course, as part of this libel, they're gonna have to show all the evidence they have to support their assertion that Noel Clark is is is a a sex predator, um a sexual predator. So they did that, and as a result of that, the police now are investigating him for all the things that they that has been alleged against him, and also basing their investigation on the evidence that have been turned over by the Guardian newspaper. So we're just gonna sit here and wait because Nel Clark needs to stand trial for something, honey, because this is this is I feel like this is he set himself up for this. He did. Is it narcissism? Is it chronic arrogance? Or is this the act of somebody who just doesn't give a fuck? And he's like, you know what? I am I am powerful, I believe I have influence, and I'm gonna use that to then sue the Guardian for liable, and God knows who else he would have soon. Bro, everything I've said here is allegedly okay. I'm just saying, because the Guardian newspaper's report on this dates back to 2021, and you can go read it. I'll I I will put it a link in the show notes for you guys to go and read up about this if you if you want to, but it's also what it shows you what happens when you allow your ego to lead you. That's what I think, definitely. That's what I think. Um cyber attacks. I really don't want to, I don't, I I just we have seen a rise in cyber attacks, and I don't know whether it's now the evolution and innovation of AI, but what I do know is data is currency. If you understand how valuable your data is, you wouldn't just give it out freely. However, there's some institutions like NHS or your GP surgery where they have your details. I mean, these are fundamental things that we need in society to be able to function, right? Um, we've seen cyber attacks. Jaguar Land Rover recently um experienced a cyber attack and they've all down tools as a result of it. They're really feeling it. MS have just come off the back of a cyber attack that actually rendered online shopping to pause completely. They were not doing any online shopping, you couldn't order anything for delivery, and there's so many organizations and businesses that have suffered these cyber attacks, but most recently it's been a nursery. Do you know how sick, demented, deranged, sectionable you have to be as a cyber attacker to go for nurseries? And they've basically taken the data of babies and put it on the dark web and has demanded from a particular nursery that unless they pay them a ransom effectively, they will continue to release information on the dark web of these young kids, and we're talking about data, images. What I don't understand is we live in a country that will create laws within 24 hours, 48 hours. They will go and speak to them, members of parliament, them, the legislator, they will pass a law. But for these cyber attackers, I'm trying to understand how we are evolving our law to punish these people, especially if they are in Britain. Especially if they're operating from here. Everyone wants to talk about Russia, Russia, hack, Russia, this, Russia. There comes a point where in the UK, this is why I think for the rest of Europe, we are like actually a laughing stock. I genuinely think that because I feel like the UK doesn't stand for any the I feel like the UK stands for everything. Like we are the soft touches of Europe. That's how it feels. That's how it I mean, even the news like the news outlets, they're not really reporting the severity of these nursery attacks. My child is in a nursery. God forbid. God forbid. And my question is why would these attackers want to attack a nursery? What is this? Do you know how sick I do? I can't even talk about this anymore. It's actually disgusting. It's actually nasty. It's disgusting. I can't, it makes my skin call. I can't, I can't, I can't. Okay. Skims and Nike collab. Skims, Kim Kardashian owned, well, partly owned, but let's not get into that. Um, they're doing a collab, and Nike have not chosen to design these pieces, they've decided to collaborate with Skims. And I will go on records and I will continue to say that Kim Kardashian Kardashian is a mogul. Like she knows how to create a business, create the marketing, be the marketing, and she knows how to do these collabs. She's done a collab with Beats Beats by Dre. They've done other collabs as well. But this night collab, mm now, I've seen the pieces and I don't think they're great. Like, I don't look at them and think, oh, I have to have it. No, because a lot of it I thought. Already exists as part of the Skims ecosystem, but the collaboration with Nike legitimizes Skims in the athletesia market. That's what it does. Now, bearing in mind, Skims is already in the athletia market. But I feel like having that sign off from Nike, that credibility, and this is the reason why Skims continues to soar. Um so, as part of this Nike collab, they saw athletes from UCLA and USC wear these outfits. You've got Serena Williams in the marketing campaign. Um, and if we have to think about how marketing works, or at least this collaboration and significance with Nike, Nike could have done this by themselves. But they understand how the influencer market works, they understand the power that Nike um that Skims wields, they understand the market that Skim sits in. It would make sense to kind of utilize the mutual mutual benefit of a collaboration. And you know, one thing I like about Kim is she really embodies Skims. She is Skims. It's almost like she built a brand template on herself. And yeah, okay, you know, you can talk about the influence of Kanye, but the reality is she used the influence to her advantage. Um, and she's sitting very firmly in the respect that I feel like she should get for her business prowess. So, whatever you think about Kim Kardashian, you know, you know, you get all these emotive people that start telling you all this stuff. Kim Kardashian as an individual is very problematic, be it from her 12-year-old daughter being dressed like I don't know what, to her kind of exploiting to a degree Kanye West to her appropriation of black culture, which Kanye West gave her access to as a black man. She's problematic, but when I look at her as a business person, I have much respect for her. I her her rise through Skims and where Skims is now needs to be studied. Like it it is marketing goals. So however you feel that she has done, she's firmly placed herself in the in a market which has been dominated by those who have been in the market for a really long time. And she continues to innovate and evolve. As part of this skims and night collection, you'll see matte pieces, shine, vintage, seamless, and accessories. Um, and she's really kind of embodied the whole night, especially with the accessories. I see more so. Um, so I definitely would encourage people to have a look and at least open your mind to how she's marketed this. There is a learning lesson in terms of I tell you all that you're a brand. You are a brand. Whether you work for yourself, you work for a company or someone, who else, whoever, you are a brand. And how you market yourself is also how you deliver your job. How you market yourself is how you network, whatever networking looks like to you. But when we're talking about a brand, I think that we too often separate ourselves from what we believe a brand is. And I've always long said, you are the architect of your career, you are a brand. So if you're gonna take anything from Skims and that whole collab with Nike, it's about how you associate yourself to solidify yourself within your industry. You don't have to be at awards ceremonies, you don't have to be the top 10 recognized in the UK in whatever you do. It's about how you're able to navigate, how you're able to pivot, how you're able to continue to market yourself and be attractive to other organizations other than the one you have, or to continue to market yourself within your current organization to get where you want to go. And it's important for you to also recognize the value of who you are as a brand. And that's one thing Kim Kardashian does really, really well. She knows her value and she refuses to cheapen it for anyone. She's at a level, she stays at that level, she continues to grow, but she'll grow with brand brands that she will then launch herself from. You can't hate her, you can't hate the player, honey. That's the game. But so when I look at brands like that, I I bring it back to like obviously I've got my brands that I, you know, my passion brand is Toy Talks, my new baby in terms of brands is Sister Scribble, but I also see myself as a brand. And how do I stay um at the forefront of innovation in terms of AI and the evolution of kind of technology in terms of what I do? Um, that's how I see those things. And I think it's really important that we start changing our mindsets to look at ourselves like that. I feel like people who don't know their value are very quick to say they're not a brand. But you're probably not one because you don't understand your value. And actually, if you don't know your value, no one else is. So how can you then consider yourself a brand? When I keep talking about people being subject matter experts, this is what I'm talking about positioning yourself as a brand. You can come into an organization new, you can come into an industry as new. But if you have in your mind, I am a brand, you start working towards being the brand you want you see yourself as. And then you start marketing yourself as a brand. I'm telling you right now, where I work, I market myself because my I allow people to speak of what I do. They will market you. They will. You can't hear of um someone in commercial within my current organization and not mention my name. I know my name gets mentioned outside of my organization. And I know this because I've got agencies that will reach out to me and say, This person said this, you worked on this project, this, this, this. That is how you market yourself. Now, just off the back of the whole marketing thing, you guys know, like this whole networking thing, y'all know. I won't be doing all that. Like the conventional marketing. No, I do unconventional marketing and it works for me. However, this is Black History Month, and I made a decision that I'm not actually gonna do any talks. Um, people have reached out to me, companies have reached out to me to possibly do like panel discussions um and talks as part of Black History Month, and I've chosen not to purely because I'm gonna go to a lot more events. Oh, yeah, I know that's crazy, right? Because I won't really do that, but I am. I'm going to a couple of events, and it's mainly for me to just kind of understand kind of what's happening in the industry, and also for me to kind of push myself a little bit because in as much as I'm a brand and and all of that, there is an element of I don't know if it's shyness, but I definitely know it's my ADHD and crowds, noises, smells, feeling claustrophobic. So I'm coming out of my comfort zone for Black History Month, and I'm going to kind of I guess network through knowledge building and just be open-minded, and that to me is part of also developing my brand is learning. Um, so let's see how that goes, and I will be reporting back. I'll tell you where I've been, why I went there, and what I happen. Um, I'm gonna like talk about something. Um of course I have been talking about something, but so um there has been like a lot of posts that I've seen on social media, TikTok being one of them, about adult children going no contact, and it seems to be like a thing that people are talking about more now, and that generation of parents who we believe are narcissistic, they are narcissistic. I don't know what it is, there's a certain generation of in my case, African parents that is narcissistic. Now, going no contact is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but it was the best thing I've done. It needs to be the hardest thing because that equates to the severity of that choice. And periodically through the podcast, I have spoken about going no contact. I've spoken about why I've got the mother and daughter masterclass, you know, on my social media, Toya underscore Washington, I've spoken about it and I've been very open and very free about it because I don't have anything to hide, especially in relation to that. But also as well, I was just sick and tired of the sh the I've been sick and tired of people placing shame on the child for of the adult child for making that decision, not understanding that if you are if you have a narcissistic parent and your mental health is compromised, at the point in which you know that you need to go no no contact, you're fighting for your life. So I make no apologies for fighting for and choosing my own life because there was a point where I was willing to not choose my life, and I don't regret not one decision. Sometimes I get asked by people, oh, have you spoken to your mother? or oh, has she got in contact with you? And I think it's the most disgusting question to ask somebody who's got no con no contact. It's like reminding them of the choice they've made. And the reason it's disgusting is if you know that person well enough and that person's made the decision, respecting their decision would be don't ask them the question. If they have, or you know, there's they will tell you. And if they don't, then they don't. That's their choice, or maybe you just don't need to know. I don't have anyone around me that asks me about my mum. There was this one person that asked me one time, she will never ask me that question again, because me and her are not friends and we don't vibes like that. But the shame associated with going no contact, especially towards a mother, I think is slowly being demystified. Is that a word? Demystified, demister. I've got a demister on my car. Yeah, um, I think that I want I just want to quickly share something. So I made a promise to myself, and more so just to respect that also out of respect for myself in terms of my mental health. I really don't want to talk about my birthing story. Every midwife that came to my house, read my notes, I spoke to, they left here crying. That will tell you the severity and the seriousness of my birthing story. I fought for my life, fought for my child's life, and I almost didn't make it. But I'm here. I was in hospital for 10 days, I was in labor for five days. So you can only imagine what went on to the extent that the hospital invited me in for a meeting and basically pleaded with me not to sue them. I was dealing with so much and I was raising a newborn baby, I wasn't even in a space to even consider suing them. The only reason why I'm not suing that hospital, the only reason, is because I'm choosing to walk away. Because if I was to sue them, I would I would go all out, I would go to the press, I'd do the press rounds, everything. But I'm at that point in my life where I'm like, Toy, you could do that, and you can pull all this energy into that. But where you're going right now, you you don't have the space to deal with that because you would I would also have to be in therapy while I'm doing that. I'm already in therapy. I don't need to be in therapy for that. I I'm I've worked through a lot of my trauma associated with my what happened to me. Um, and I've just I have accepted that ancestors more than anything came through for me. So it to honour them, I've sought permission from the ancestors to let that be. I want to give you context of something. I've had a very tempestuous relationship with my mum from as early as I can remember, and I have gone through so much with her. However, five days into my hospital stay, I still hadn't given birth. It was alert. I actually thought, okay, I may I might not survive this. Kay had been in the hospital back to back to back to back, and I said to listen, I'm having these contractions, the baby's not here, just go home and rest. Come back in the evening. And he did. When he left, I decided to contact my mum. When I think about why, I don't actually understand why. Like now I look back, I'm like, but I can assume the vulnerability, and I had to confront my own mortality. And I thought, if I was to go and Kay was growing, it was raising our child as a single dad, the only connection she would have would be my mom and my siblings. So I guess even though me and my mum hadn't spoken, I figured at that time that being faced with my own mortality would be enough for her to be a mother, quite simply, and um as I called her, she acted like she didn't know who I was, it was just fucking weird. Um I told her kind of what was going on, and it was like she was just stoic, it was just weird, like it was just mad. I don't know how you could hear what I said said and just be I was like, I I might not survive this mum because this is what's been going on. She um she did call me back a couple of times, so after that initial conversation, it felt like nothing, and she did call me back and she was asking me like more like more probing questions, but the biggest question of where what hospital are you at, she didn't ask me. She didn't ask me kind of what the prognosis was, she didn't ask me, and that's when I realized this woman doesn't care if I was to die tomorrow, this woman does not care. Her narcissism is so deep-rooted she cannot remove herself and be selfless because narcissism it there's no selflessness in narcissism. Okay, I ended up giving birth, I was in hospital for a total of 10 days. I'm giving high level here because if I was to go into detail about my mum, it's just long. But once I'd given birth and everything that happened as part of my birth, I remember being in the cubicle on my own, and Kay had gone with the baby, and I was alive, and I know I was alive because I was pinching myself, I I felt the pinch on my arm. Um, I was in a lot of plain pain, I had lost a lot of blood, but I knew I was alive, and I said to myself, if I was to go right this minute, like if I just died in this moment, my mum lives about 45 minutes away from me, and she would not give a shit, she'd never check on my child, she'd never check on Kate, nothing. My mum has shown me the full extent of her narcissism, and I'd already said to the ancestors, show me whatever I need to see as part of this whole birth, show me, and they did. Bearing in mind, I didn't just call my mum, I also spoke to my brother, one of my brothers, and it was the same, he's the golden child, so you can only imagine that's like a narcissist in training, but whatever. I I'm not talking to talk about him. Um I realized that even though I had up until that point gone no contact with my mum, the door was shut but not locked, and this is why I'd called my mum because I hadn't completely locked it. After 10 days, I was released with my baby, came home. I can't imagine I can't begin to tell you for you to imagine the pain I was in. I had gone in for I'd gone into the hospital with limited uh movement of the baby. I was admitted, and that's where my story began. And 10 days later, I'm in the most immense pain. I've 10 days of my life that felt like forever. I'm now home. I sit there with my baby, not knowing, like, okay, this is not how I thought it would be in terms. I thought my birthing story would be completely different. I'm like, there's so much trauma that I now have to work through. I'm gonna have to go back into therapy. And I sat in the living room with my baby in my hands. I'd been home for about two hours. Then I get a call from this number. Bear in mind the last conversation I had with my mum is I'm going into theatre. That was the last conversation, and it wasn't really a conversation, she just kind of grunted her way through that phone call, but whatever. Two hours after being home, I get a phone call from a number I don't recognise, and it's one of my mum's friends, and I actually really like this woman, she's lovely. And she said to me, Your mum's told me that oh you haven't spoken to her in years. I don't know you to be like that. What's happened? So I was like, What? She goes, Your mum just gave me your number, so I decided I'd call you now. I said, Sorry? I said, Do you know that I've been fighting for my life for the last 10 days in hospital and I've given birth to a child? She goes, No, your mum never told me that. I said, So let me get this right. She rings you, tells you whatever lie she's told you, clearly she's lied to you about whatever it is, to encourage you to call me, to antagonize me when I've just given birth. And her friend was like, I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I said it's fine. It's and I remember Kay was there, and Kay was like, give me the phone. I was like, No, no, no, it's not it's my mum's friend, I know her, and this particular mum's friend is lovely. I know that she's only getting part of the story. Ended the call and I blocked her. What made me upset and angry at that time is that my mum knew everything I'd been through, didn't even check that I'd been released from hospital, didn't check I was alive, but had enough time to give my number to her friend who coincidentally happens to m um call me while I'm I've been released from hospital two hours. That was like a reminder to lock that door that I closed. You see, when you make the decision to go no contact, you make a decision to choose yourself, your mental health. I don't want to be re-traumatized every time I have a conversation with this person, or my anxiety levels spike every time this person's around me because I can't settle. Or for me to internalize every single comment and disrespect and shame that is thrown at me. That's not how I want to live my life. The initial decision to go no contact was heavy, and I felt so vulnerable at the time, but I knew I couldn't continue like this because it was just chaos all the time, every time, like living on a tightrope, not knowing when this person is gonna combust, not knowing if I'm I'm good enough because this person tells me I'm not, knowing that my so my self-esteem has entered the critical level of the bottomless pit of nothing. No, I'll go no contact. Some of you may say, Oh, Tor, you should never have called her. When you're faced with your own mortality, maybe you can have that conversation with me. But at that time, that's what I wanted to do. And I'm so glad I did it. Because if I didn't do it, the door would remain unlocked. And God knows the type of preceding months, weeks, and years that would have happened after I had my child. My daughter is the most happiest child. She has secure attachments and she's happy. Can you imagine if you allow a narcissist called her grandmother into her life that has no accountability, no introspection, no self-reflection? I don't, my mum would have ended up using my daughter against me psychologically. I know all of this. The reason I'm sharing this is I just want it to be clear through all the things I've shared on the podcast, the decision I made to go no contact, why a lot of adult children are choosing no contact. And there's that side of you that wants to dip your toe to check you've made the right decision. Please don't be like me. I dipped my toe and I lost my whole foot. But I'm sitting here in front of you saying, I'm so glad that I did go through that because I think I needed that confirmation that I wasn't just making this decision for myself, I was making it for my child. I was making it for the peace of my future. I was making this decision to avoid chaos. I live a very peaceful life, like my life is peaceful in terms of just living free and just not feeling like I'm not good enough or having this anxiousness about myself. I don't, I don't have that. Like knowing now, obviously, that I have ADHD and knowing how I've worked through a lot of my trauma before I had my daughter to get to a point where I was even I even thought I was not worthy to have a child because of everything that I'd experienced with my mum. And I don't I don't sit here thinking when I think about my mum, I'm just very like indifferent, if I'm honest. There is no anger, there's no bitterness, there's nothing. I don't have those things. I just feel sad for myself because it was almost like mourning again, the fantasy of what a mother should be. I would choose my village every time rather than the village that could have been, because the village that could have been was toxic. Now I'm sharing all of this without giving you my entire birthing story and what had happened to me in that hospital for 10 days. But my mum knew. But she never asked me where I was, she never made a 10 to come see me, she didn't know what hospital. She didn't care. She didn't care. So the next time you go to someone and you question their decision to go no contact, take a fucking step back and understand that this person's probably fighting for their health, their life, their mental health. The decision to go no contact doesn't mean that we are the problem. It means we're the solution to the problem that has been plaguing our mental health for years. And to make peace with going no contact is is is is tough. But once you make the decision and you put you put your hand on your heart and said, I've tried everything to avoid this situation, but here I am. I promise you the pursuit of peace is right there. I don't hate my mum, I want the best for her, I want her to live her life, but there is no reconciliation, it can never happen. And there has been points where my mum has tried to reach out, but it's still on that toc toxic theme track, and I'm done. I don't reply, I don't have any response. Because I've got nothing to say. Where do you even start? So it's better off you not to start. My whole focus now is as a mother, as a wife, as a career woman, and all the other hats I wear, and just focusing on that. And I don't care what anyone in my family thinks about me. I just don't give a shit. Because when I was in the thick of trauma, I didn't see anyone there. These all pe all of these friends of hers, bar my my the the recent friend that tried to call contact me two years ago, um are probably the same as her. Why isn't the question, what did you do, parent, to this adult child for this child to go in on contact? Why is that never the question? And these narcissistic parents will tell you that they are one of Jesus' 12 disciples eating on that table some fish. They want to be next to Jesus so bad. They will quote every scripture, every Bible verse, they will tell you that they're the godmother of this child, they're going to this wedding. These times your house is on fire, your children hate you. Well, not hate, I don't hate her, but your children dislike you and don't want anything to do with you. Oh, your parents are your mini-gods on earth. Well, thou shalt not chastise thy children. We all have a Bible verse rebuttal for madness. I had to do a lot of work to get to a point where I could raise my child healthily. I had to know in my mind that I was breaking generational curses. I had to do a lot of work to get to a point that I could stand on my own. Meeting my husband probably was the one of the best things that ever happened to me because it it legitimized what I was seeing. He could see it, and at every stage he asked, What did Toya do? And no one could tell him. What did Toya do to y'all? Because now I'm not in any of their life. The chaos is still ensuing, so it can't be me. The reason I'm sharing this is because I've seen a rise in a lot of adult children going on contact. Support them, cover them, listen to them, and let them walk in their choice of peace. I'm gonna leave this episode here. Next week, we are gonna definitely be talking all things new graduates and AI. There's so many other topics we'll be discussing. And I just want to thank all of you for listening. If you haven't already, make sure you follow us on social media. My personal handle is Toya underscore Washington. The Toy Talks page is Toya underscore talks. Um, it's the same for TikTok is Toya Washington All One Words, and of course, make sure you subscribe to the website for when it goes live for my stationary company, sisterscribble.com. I'm so super excited about Sister Scribble, and I can't wait for my stationery to launch. And I really hope that you receive this episode. It's not to bash anyone, it's not to uh cause anyone to question anyone, it's just me saying my truth because I think it's important that we are vocal about our experiences or at least enough to teach other people because people will suffer in silence thinking they're the only ones, and that's that's not it. There is a power in saying, this is my story, this is what I learned, and this is where this is where I'm going, this is the healing, this is the healing journey I'm going on. Part of that healing journey for a lot of us is going no contact, and then all the work that then follows through from that is the therapy, it's deep, it's a very deep road we're walking, and still we have to triumph because especially if you've got children, you are now trying to do better, you're policing yourself in terms of making sure that you don't emulate any of that toxicity. It's a it's a heavy crown to carry, so your weighted opinion is often not required. Support does not have to be vocal, love needs to be the cover. My name is Toy Washington, and you have been listening to the Toyota Talks podcast.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:00

Navigate and elevate, that's what we do. Black queen, energy groom. No fantasy, just real talk. From classroom dreams to boardroom walk. Black woman power, watch it shine. Breaking barriers, redesigning time. From Tottenham Roads to CEO. Every step teaching what we know. Not just surviving but thriving more. Opening every closed door. Toya talks. Toya talks. Toya talks. Black queens to the top, and we're still going.