Toya Talks Podcast

The Polite Faces of Power

• Toya Washington • Season 2 • Episode 178

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Pressure has a way of revealing what systems are really made of. We start with a bruising week and widen the lens: from alleged deodorant burns and the surge in hair relaxer lawsuits, to NHS resident doctors preparing to strike for pay and staffing, to the silent epidemic of “polite” horrible bosses who weaponise calm and call it leadership. The through line is accountability—of brands, employers, and all of us—to act with care when our choices touch other people’s bodies, budgets, and futures.

I share why our website will go offline briefly as we rebuild the back end, refresh masterclasses, and add guidance on using AI well. Too many of us try to outsource thinking to ChatGPT and get caught out; I’ll show you how to use AI as an assistant, not a replacement. We speak frankly about the real cost of creating quality products as a small business, why discounts aren’t a birthright, and how fair pricing keeps the lights on. If you love great stationery and practical career tools, you’ll see how that vision is taking shape.

Then we get tactical about work. The shouty boss is out; the nice-nasty manager is in. They smile, check on wellbeing, and quietly move the goalposts. Here’s how to protect yourself: keep a burn folder, track patterns, mirror the politeness while holding firm boundaries, and use precise language when you push back. Employment protections are expanding, but your evidence is the bridge between harm and remedy. I also open up about ADHD and dyslexia—time blindness, memory gaps, and the systems that help me build: tightly scoped lists, device-based reminders, visual planners, and long blocks for deep work.

We close with a sober look at a fatal hit-and-run and the duty that comes with a licence: if you’re impaired, don’t drive; if you hit anything or anyone, stop. Let the courts weigh evidence, not viral clips. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs these tools, and leave a review to help others find the show. Your support helps us keep building smarter careers and kinder workplaces.

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Music (Intro and Outro) Written and created by Nomadic Star

Stationary Company: Sistah Scribble



SPEAKER_02:

The way this week has been kicking my ass. And my dad always used to say that whenever something great is about to happen in your life, whenever there's a massive testimony on the horizon, the test, the testimony, they work hand in hand. And it may feel like the walls are closing in, but honey, that means that your blessings are about to peak. So I'ma take that. Rest in peace, my dearly beloved father, who honestly I miss you so much. But this week has been kicking my ass. And then to add to everything, Mother Nature decides to show up. So I know that someone somewhere is having a good old laugh at my expense. But as I know the ancestors will support me when I say this, we will have the last laugh. So in this week's episode of the Toy Talks podcast, where do I even begin? Mitchum's deodorant faces illegal action after women report permanent scarring. And can I add that I'm one of those women? Mitchum's, if I find them pictures in my over 2,000 pictures in my phone of those burns that I gained from using Mitchum's products, I'm gonna be one of these claimants in this class action because Mitchum's as a product, my experience of Mitchum's, it's trash. So I fully support these women suing Mitchum's deodorant, and I'm sure I won't be far behind. We talk all things resident doctors in England who are set to strike from the 14th of November to the 19th of November from 7am. Um, also as well, in this episode, we talk all things Microsoft Teams who are actually changing Microsoft Teams so your employers have better information and more accurate information about your location. So if you're saying you're working from the office and really you're you're at an ale appointment, Microsoft Teams have updates on the way where your employer can have better visibility about where you are. We'll also be talking about the rise of the polite, horrible boss. The idea that the caricature of the stereotypical angry boss who's flipping out red faced actually has been replaced by indifference, dressed as professionalism. I'll also be talking about gets because I can't do an episode and not speak about gets.

SPEAKER_00:

Building legacies for all to see. This lecture couldn't stop this flow. Lord decreed, just watch me grow. Masters of the game with joke. Every sister how to own their throat. T O I and let me show you how to Not forget and elevate, that's what we do.

SPEAKER_02:

Before we get into the meat and potatoes of this podcast, I just want to say that over the next few days, the ToyTalks.com website will go down. You won't be able to access any of your purchase masterclasses, and you will not be able to email me at hello at toytalks.com. And this is because I am moving my hosting services and um I'm having I want to have more control over the website, the hosting, and all the other things in between, the technical elements of it. Um, I will also be working to update some of the masterclasses as well, and part of that is if I'm gonna do that, then I may as well do all the stuff in the back end that will facilitate my ability to continue to upgrade and deliver great content on the Toyotaks.com website. I also recognize that um obviously with the uh change in innovation in terms of AI and other technical technological advancements, I think that there needs to be space held for that on the website through the masterclasses. Um, because a lot of you are misusing AI, especially ChatGPT. You guys are misusing it, you're using it to replace yourselves as opposed to using it as an assistant um to support you with it's not gonna think for you. And a lot of people are being caught out by using Chat GPT um on CDs or trying to use it as part of your interview. And I want to teach you guys how to use uh ChatGPT as an assistant rather than a replacement. So I think bearing all those things in mind, there are gonna be a lot of changes to the website. There is gonna require a lot of work from me, which I'm I'm committed to doing to deliver, because I feel that that upscales the the podcast as well. It gives you something else to use as another toolkit in your armour as you navigate the world of work. Um, I'm really proud of everything we've created here, but there's work to be done, especially where there are people who do not even know the platform exists. That's number one. Uh, number two, uh, a lot of us who are business owners that have full-time careers, it's tough. And over the last week, I have really felt the weight of how tough that is. I think, especially now, like I look at my businesses holistically, things I want to bring in-house, I've had a lot of communication from brands who want to do brand deals and partnerships with me, and some of them are making sense. So it's even more important for me to ensure that, you know, when people who are new to the platform or people who I want to engage, that they have other forms of engagement, albeit social media, the podcast, the website. So there's a lot of work to be done, and I am feeling the weight of that pressure, and it made me think about other businesses and business owners who are holding down full-time jobs and parenthood and every other hood that we're we're a part of, and it's tough. So you can then imagine how offended we get when people then ask for discount codes for certain things, or you ask for discounts. And I remember there was a period last year where I had four or five people asking me for discount codes, and I was like, There are no discount codes, but why is it that you expect that? A lot of us business owners who are setting up new businesses or we are developing our businesses. A lot of us are not using bank loans, we're using our full-time careers to fund our passions. And for me, Toyota Talks is more than a passion project. It's for me is I'm creating something bigger because my view is a syllabus somewhere, or being used to support people from full-time education into what the world then looks like for them, which has changed from my day. Sister Scribble is more than a stationary company, it is an evolution, a revolution of creativity, and it's my all my money, all my time, all my investment. So when you see discount codes, just understand that somebody is taking a hit and it's probably the founder of that business. But then to feel entitled enough to want a discount code and to ask for one, or to you, it's just too much. Now, there are situations where I gift, I have gifted, and that is me being led by the ancestors. And there are times and opportunities where I will be able to have like promotions and stuff like that, but just remember those things require me to still take a financial hit to provide, as do many business owners navigate in that in that way. I definitely feel that there's a greater measure of businesshood, if you like, on black creators and founders than on our non-black counterparts. That there is a higher standard that is expected, but there's not a higher standard that's given from the consumer. Don't deal with me in a way that you wouldn't deal with another business owner, and you're dealing with me in that way because I'm a black business owner. You need to understand something, and I'm really clear about this. And I know a lot of like my friends who are business owners say the same. If you give me positive energy, you'll get it back. The customer is not always right. Y'all ain't always right because y'all are not always in the driver's seat, and that's for real. I will always do my best, I will try my best to go above and beyond as what is possible, but you can't expect roses out of a rock, honey. We're trying over here, we hustling. Um, even like the prices of things. Do you know how much it costs now to create certain things? And you have um, yeah, you can outsource, but it's still expensive, and then you've got tax and business rates, and you know, you've got international fees and shipping and all of it. It's expensive. We as business owners take the hit first, and we try our best to make a profit because we're not working for free. Yes, your margins, all of that, but we want to create well. I want to create great products for you. So for me, I don't go cheap. There's nothing about me that's cheap. I like nice things, but nice things come at a cost. If you like nice things, they come at a cost. Not every everything is on the cheap. I feel like, you know, ever since that whole thing about designer, how much um designer products really cost, I think people a bit crazy. You can have Christine Louberton factory, and your stuff could be made in that factory. Don't make it Christine Louberton, honey, just because it's made in the same factory. Like, as a business, like for me anyway, I want the best of the best. So sometimes my markup takes a hit. So when we are pricing things, we're having to consider the motivation to continue, which is also customer satisfaction, but it's also profit. And I don't I feel like people feel ashamed or uncomfortable to say this. You're not working for free. I'm not a registered charity. What I am is a business owner that creates great products. And in order for me to continue to do so and upscale, I then have to charge, as do other businesses. So let us just show respect to business owners, especially business owners who are holding down their business and businesses, as well as every other hat they're wearing in their personal life and a full-time job in this economy, on Beyonce's internet, in in Keystama's world. It's a lot, okay? And in a Trump society, how about that? Um, that all being said, I I mentioned Mitchum's, and I think it's really important to discuss this because a lot of people, especially when it comes to products and body stuff, we all get a bit uncomfortable. And I I this is what I love social media for because it will polarize things, and there is an element of people not feeling comfortable to discuss something, it becomes a trending topic on TikTok, and suddenly people are sharing their experiences. So Mitchams are facing legal action after a woman claimed they as women claimed that they left they were left with permanent scarring from using the brand's 48-hour role on Dealdrin. TikTok users first raised concerns, sharing videos of redness and irritation, they say appeared after using the product. The lawsuit alleges Mitchum failed to carry out proper safety and quality control testing, leading to what would be long-term effects for those affected. I would go as far as saying it's not just the 48 roll on 48-hour roll on um deodorant, it's also the sprays. I think the entire Mitchum's line, I don't know what has happened because Mitchum used to be a really, really good product. I used to advocate for Mitchum's a lot. Um, but something changed, and sometimes it happens, right? Formulas change, they use a different factory, but this is where you have quality assurance and quality control. So it's not just products, I mean, any any brand of products that you sell, be it bodily products, be it tangible products, you need to quality control them. But when you are actually selling products that go on people's bodies, and you in your mind can't see that there is a problem, you are gonna get sued. My scarming has gone down considerably, but I had real life burns where I couldn't even put my arms down properly. I felt so ashamed at the discoloration, and I didn't know what it was. When I suspected it had to be the deodorant, I then decided that I was gonna completely move away from Mitcham's and I actually use um Mitch um, I actually use a product called Vichy, and it's I use the Vichy antiperspirant with no alcohol, and they have different um underarms that have no alcohol, and I'm very no alcohol, no per no nothing. Um, it's like very clean in terms of kind of my sensitivities, and I know they sell Vichy in um Europe, it's really um a notable product, a notable brand. Um, but you can get it over here, it's just probably a bit more expensive. But I went on this whole crusade trying to find deodorants that were that had no rubbish in them, and that was hard until I found Vichy. So I'm really proud of these women who were suing, um, and I hope that they get paid out. But just stand standing on the whole suing and products, hair relaxer lawsuits surpass 10,000 as major brands face growing cancer claims. Now, this has been rolling on for a while about relaxers, and I stopped relaxing my hair years ago, but there was a point where I was obsessed with relaxing my hair. But more than 10,500 lawsuits are now consolidated into federal MDL against major hair hair care brands, including L'Oreal, Sally Beauty, Revlon, and Sof Sheen Carsons, marking the fourth largest multi-district litigation in the US as of October 2025. The cases allege that chemical hair relaxes and straighteners may cause uterine over uterine, ovarian, and endometrial cancers, as well as other reproductive harm due to ingredients such as I know this, I'm gonna butcher these names now, pethylates, parabens, and formal formaladite formalodide. Girl, you finished that. Plaintiffs claim companies failed to warn users about the risks despite mounting data linking endocrine disrupting chemicals in um to these diseases. Now, this is crazy because it seems like a war against black people because a lot of these uh hair relaxers are targeted, are marketed for black hair and black the black community. So I'm gonna stay abreast of the outcome of those lawsuits, which have become class actions. And I think the issue that we have here with Mitchums, and we've seen with a lot of these relaxer companies, is the quality control. One noise is a noise too many. Like, how are you mitigating lawsuits by mitigating risk? And that risk is of harm. The relaxer is obviously far, far, far more serious than the burns of the Mitchums, but it's still harming consumers, and it's the reality that consumerism is obviously we know laced in money and profits. But equally, if people are no longer using your products because of the harm, you're not going to be making much money. And legally, as well, they're on there's legal obligations to do that quality control, but it's just a lot. I'm I'm I'm really glad I don't relax my hair anymore. And don't get me wrong, there's times I'm tempted, but really them edges are running away, so there's nothing really to relax. But let's be real here. We need to start paying attention to the noise that's made around products so that we don't fall victim to a lot of the the consequences of a lot of products, but also that we share our experiences, good, bad, and in between. And whilst I run away from this whole toy, you're an influencer to an extent, I believe I'm a micro influencer. Um but I think we need to use even if you're not an influencer, but you just have access to social media, if you're suffering by using a product, let's be responsible enough to tell each other. And if those companies don't take responsibility, we call them out and we disrupt their butt their bottom line. And once you start doing that, they start paying attention. So as mentioned in the open, our resident doctors in England are due to strike between the 14th and 19th of November. Um, they're striking about and they're striking and they want a pay deal and a jobs plan. Uh, Wes Streeting in 2024, who is the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care within the UK, said that a budget would put the NHS staff on the front line and not the picket line. Well, clearly that budget hasn't hit them because they want a pay deal and they want a jobs plan. And to be honest, a lot of people, like I see a lot of comments in the comments section about resident doctors, and someone said, What is a resident doctor? Well, they're clearly not a junior doctor, so effectively, uh a resident doctor is resident in that particular hospital. So, in simple, in simple terms, it's that permanent member of staff as a doctor, and they they have every right to strike. We're living in a society that the money is not equaling the inflation. Let's be real. We're talking about doctors who are doctors who are saving lives. So whenever the doctors strike, the nurses will strike, and they should. Because as I've said before, the fact that they get charged for parking is crazy, and they get fined if they don't have um enough parking. I I actually read an article about a woman who was basically hounded by debt collectors as a nurse who had been fined for where she so she found somewhere to park, and as soon as they found out she was parking there, they hit her with fines and then use bailiffs to try and collect the money for the fines. We're talking about a nurse here who's parking her car to go to work and save lives, and this is how we're treating our staff. To add to this, because we're talking about the medical profession here, racist incidents against UK nurses have surged by 55%. As staff told they're not one of us. Do you know how mad that is? That you are probably about to meet your makeup, but you still remember to be racist. Do you know how fucking crazy that is? So when the next time you question why medical professionals are going on strike, I think you need to consider the conditions that they're working in. Very volatile, life-threatening decisions that they're having to make. And examples were shared by union helplines, include nurses being told that they that by their manager that they should not have come to the UK after being denied annual leave, a number, another member of staff being told by a colleague you're not one of us, and patients um patients' family referring to a nurse as a slave. So contextualise that for a moment. And then the environment you're working in. So if it's not your colleagues telling you to go back to where you came from, because they really believe that we're here to take their jobs, which is crazy, because anyway, but on top of that, you're facing all of this abuse and then you're not being paid right, you're not getting treated right, right, you don't have a jobs plan, you there's not a pay deal that makes sense, and then you're being criticized by people for striking. Y'all better get on there and strike. Of course, you do, because the government doesn't respect our medical professionals who are real life angels and heroes, saving lives in in conditions that are honestly just uncomfortable. You want to clap for them during COVID. Don't clap for them. Release the money, release the money because we there is money in this society, in this economy, there is money. But what happens is we're living with a government that will tax poor. They'll tax us to the nines, but those people who can shoulder these taxes are basically paying taxes at its most minimal level. We're talking to the Amazons here. You know, we've got companies who are leveraging selling in the UK, making money in the UK, but they're not getting taxed. But what you're doing is you're trying to erode the middle class, tax, make everybody one class, which is as poor as possible, and then tax enough. How does that even make sense? Explain to me how that makes sense. So something I'm I am struggling with at the moment, and something I really want to talk about here is my ADHD. I'm finding it uh as I get older, I think it's becoming worse. Um and the reason I want to talk about it is because irrespective of how high functioning I am and all the hats I wear, I do think that there's a human element to my struggles that I do want to bring to the podcast because I feel like a lot of people are like, Oh, you're coping really well. Oh, you're a boss, you're a this, you're a that. And often I don't always feel like a boss. Um I'm actually having to move the mic closer to my mouth. Yeah, I don't always feel like that, and I think part of it is really just struggling um to manage time and how I conceptualize time, and I know that that's like a huge thing when you have ADHD, and coupled with being dyslexic as well. Honestly, sometimes I sit back and I'm like, how do I actually do it? But I do it because the reason I'm high functioning is because I never had I never had the opportunity to get the help that I so desperately needed growing up that could have helped me channel, manage, and deal with my ADHD and being able to recognize my ADHD and knowing how to kind of work with it. So I've definitely found the last I'd say the last two weeks really, really difficult because there's been so many things that's happening. So, and I'm one of those people, as part of my ADHD, I'll take on a lot of stuff and then I'll be hyper, hyper, hyper focused, and then it's like a balloon, and when you pop the balloon, it just shrivel, and it's literally been like that. Um, and then it's kind of like seeping its way into my work because I'm finding it difficult to manage time and so many competing priorities, and knowing which one is important, and then you have one dread, stupid asshole of a stakeholder, and you're like, Okay, what do I do here? And then you have your own internal pressures and knowing how to manage that. So I find it really difficult. Um, and I'm still working through kind of how to manage it, but what I will say is something that I do is I do vocalize when I am struggling, albeit to my husband or to my friends, and they do allow me the opportunity to kind of vent that frustration or that struggle. I I take a lot of breaks because God, we've got delivery. Can you hear it? It's very loud. Um, I do it in sharing it, it allows me to kind of know that I need to deal with it. It also allows me to create structures. So, for example, if I have a lot of competing priorities, something I really love to do is write them down in the list of what I think the priorities are. And if there's something going on at home in terms of like, for example, I've been doing a lot of like I call it Renault, but it's like more interior design work. Um, I just put a list down. So I utilize my phone a lot. My phone is really important because of what it allows me to do, it allows me to write my thoughts down, it allows me to create notes and on my iPad, my post-it notes to really get me to remember to do things, understand what the priorities are, what I need to get done. I have a really bad memory, and a lot of it I thought was because of becoming a mum, that whole chemical thing. But I think it is part of the ADHD where I become very forgetful because my my thoughts become very convoluted because there's a lot going on. Um, so I'm also challenging that into the stationery to develop ADHD-friendly stationery. So it'll be stationary for all, but it is gonna be ADHD friendly. That being said, I am imminently awaiting the launch of the Sister Scribble website, which will it's like it's I feel like it's like birthing something that I had wanted to work on for the last two years, um, focused, really hyper focused in the last year, and then still not feeling like I could. Um, and it has taken my husband to continuously remind me of the why, and for me to just be creating and developing. And one thing I will say is I'm at peace the most in terms of kind of projects when I am creating and developing, it's when my mind is more settled, more at ease, where I find peace and comfort in just creating. Um, so a lot of the stationery that you will see are personally created by myself, and I work with a designer and I these are the designs, um, but I create them all myself. And I'm one of those people that I like to be self-sufficient as possible, I don't like to rely on third parties if I don't have to. So things like creating and stuff, as soon as I was able to start creating myself and use like Adobe Illustrate and other products, I learn and I taught myself the same way I taught myself how to edit on YouTube and how I taught myself how to record and edit um the podcast, I do everything in-house. And whilst that's not always great, but from a control perspective and just knowing that you know I'm in charge of my own destiny to an extent, and when things start scaling, I will get help, and I did before with Jennifer, who is amazing, and she definitely wants to be a part of the sister scribble journey, and as things develop, I'll definitely be bringing her on board. Um, but I'm saying all this to say is that you know, you have people who are the conventional geniuses, right? Society tells you, dictates what geniuses are, and I feel that some of us who are neurodivergent we are our own geniuses as well. We create, we do, we navigate in a society that's quite closed and closed-minded, and it's also really difficult to understand how to navigate certain systems and still show up and be considered as um being ourselves and still be actual considered, full stop actually. Um, but yeah, I found things really, really difficult and really, really hard, and I continue to show up and do what I need to do, and I hope that I'm I'm an example for people to just keep showing up for yourself because it's really hard. Um, and I've gone past the point in my life where I want to be understood, like I I've accepted that not everybody's gonna understand me, and I'm not for everybody's understanding, but I'm comfortable in my skin, and I'm 41 years old, and it's taken me a very long time to be comfortable in my own skin, and part of being comfortable in my own skin is just accepting who I am and how I've been created uniquely. And um, one of my friends recently said to me, She's like, I think you look at your ADHD on being neurodivergent as something that's negative, it's probably your greatest superpower because you set the tone of how you want to live your life, and you take the reins and you go full throttle, you refuse to settle, and whether that's part of being neurodivergent or just knowing that you're not average, you still show up and you do your thing. And when she said that to me, it was so so nice. And I I do have many of my friends who will always cheer for me and support me and speak words of encouragement to my life. I have one friend called Bimpo who I love, and she calls me Toye Yi, and that name was birthed because I really admire Kanye West's marketing and his business prowess, and he will always remain someone from a business perspective who I really respect from a business perspective. Outside of that, I just cannot with him. But for me, just how he creates business. So then my friend then started calling me Toya Yi, and that is literally my name. And every time she says it, I just kind of like giggle like a little girl because it's like number one, my ego loves it, but also it's like the little girl in me that knew I was slightly different, that wasn't at everybody's pace, they didn't quite understand, that got really confused in maths, that really felt stupid, the little girl who struggled in education, the little girl who was told you're not smart enough, or the little girl that was stupid or felt stupid. It's really been difficult. So being able to be the woman I am today, knowing that I never gave up, I worked hard, became a subject matter expert, continued to invest in my dreams, continue to create, develop, and believe in myself, and have a platform where I'm able to teach, guide, and educate women how to navigate the world success the world of work successfully because I have seen and enjoy success will still be like a wow thing for me because there was a point where I just didn't feel very worthy of anything. So, any emotion you hear in my voice, it's just when I speak to the younger me, I do get quite emotional because I always felt stupid amongst my friends, my siblings, and you know, people make off handed remarks or comments, and they really sat with me. I had to do a lot of work um to get to a point of just accepting who I am and just saying, listen, if I'm not good enough for for them, I'm good enough for me. It took a lot of time, but. I feel like as a woman who's neurodivergent in the world, it can be really difficult. Um, but then it's about what you use around you to be able to continue to navigate, but also what you use around you to excel and not allowing society's stereotypical norms to oppress you, and that is a continuous thing I do every day. So you can imagine then when I had shared in previous episodes about not really feeling supported by my boss from a career perspective, that it really touched my heart because, and I say touch my heart, but it affected my heart because I know what I've had to do and sacrifice to be where I am. So I do still think that being underestimated remains a trigger for me, but not necessarily in a bad way because it gets me moving, it gets me, it's like reminding me, oh, remember when you were underestimated, you kept, you did, you succeeded, you continue to. And whilst I look back in my career and I'm like, how did I even do this? I know that self-belief and understanding that you're the architect of your career will remain my single most greatest motivating factor in my life. So I just wanted to share that because I don't know who that will touch. I don't know who needs to hear it, but I think it's important to say whilst some people see uh things like change as little things for somebody who has a new neurodivergent brain, they're big things, and we're talking about from moving house to changing phones to buying new clothes to figuring out how to use a new device. Like change is massive for people who have neurodivergent, especially um if you have traces of autism as well. It can be a lot and it can be overwhelming. So just recognize that everybody's different and intelligent and smart and great and creative in their own way. And whilst we're not all the same, the differences are what makes us individuals. So let's move on to the rise of the horrible bosses. So, like I said before, the conventional caricature or the images that you see of a horrible boss, the stereotype of a red face shouting, throwing files across the room, that doesn't exist anymore. That's kind of been replaced with um something that's a little bit more harder to confront. So today's bosses don't slam doors or raise voices, they smile, they host uh well-being check-ins, they sign off emails with take care and then quietly count the minutes that you're away from your desk. Their cruelty is polite, word perfect, and always performance ready. You see it in the smallest moments when you ask for a day off to attend a funeral and your boss's face tightens, not in concern, but in inconvenience. No, I'm sorry for your loss. No space to breathe, just a reminder about deadlines. The old aggression has been replaced by something colder, indifference, dressed as professionalism. It's a culture that rewards endurance over empathy. Modern workplaces don't stand by their people, they stand on top of them. The same companies that post slides about mental health awareness or work-life balance are often the ones quietly punishing those who need either. Kindness photographs well, but rarely survives contact with an actual crisis. We've seen the same performance play out on bigger stages. So who remembers Ellen de Generis? She built her entire empire on being kind until the stories came out about what it was like to actually work for her, or actually work for the Ellen DeGeneres show. It's the perfect mirror for today's workplaces. Compassion as a costume, empathy as optics. The messaging is polished, the reality indifferent. And that's the real through line. It's whether it's a TV set or a glass panel office, the culture rewards how empathy looks, not how it's lived. This new generation of horrible bosses are learned to um have learned to package and control as composure. They never shout, they withdraw, they never criticize, they check in, they weaponize calmness and call it leadership. And the scariest part is that on paper they look perfect. The kind who speak at panels about emotional intelligence while the teams quietly burn out behind them. Part of this comes from fear, a system that teaches employees to be grateful even for mistreatment, to confuse survival with loyalty. We're told to endure because at least we have jobs. Decency has become optional, compassion a luxury. Yet these same leaders obsess over optics, empathy as PR, humility as brand's strategy. But the culture is shifting. Younger teams are asking questions that make these polished bosses deeply uncomfortable. They expect boundaries, respect humanity. Things our generation was taught to apologize for, they're refusing to confuse fear with discipline, and slowly that's exposing what the rest of us have known for years that leadership built on detachment isn't strength, it's avoidance. In the end, people don't leave because of pay or policy, they leave because when life got heavy, the people in charge stepped back instead of stepping up. The caricatured villain of the past has been replaced by someone quieter, smoother, emptier, a master of polite indifference, and that really is the modern face of a horrible boss, immaculate, articulate, and completely devoid of empathy. And that is from Ria Riab Molana. And I love that breakdown. Um, and I think it's it's not only true because honey, it's the way she's broken it down. It's the idea that you're expecting bosses to be that caricature, that stereotype. And one of the reasons why that has faded and no longer exists in the stereotype that we're used to seeing it is because employees' rights have widened. One can say there's more employee protection, especially here in the UK. So, for example, requesting flexible working from day one, challenging a refusable for a refusal of flexible working, or is it that there's a higher burden of proof on the employers to prove uh any accusation? So, for example, if somebody has been dismissed for gross negligence or incompetence or whatever the case is, the higher burden to prove this through evidential evidence is higher on employers. You can tell an employer after they've um offered you a role at day one that you're pregnant and all your protections exist. So we're seeing the law change to protect employees. So employers have to change their approach. Or, you know, when we talk about the polite, horrible boss, they have to change their approach of manipulation. So you are seeing the quiet warfare of managers where they seemingly on the surface, and to everybody else, this is a polite, professional, kind, considered, measured boss. But in reality, what lies beneath is those microaggressions, the aggression and the silences and the awkwardness and the quiet questioning that almost seems defenseless and reasonable, actually laced in a strategy and a campaign of war. And we say the war of work. Um, we're seeing the evolution of managers whereby they are operating almost in the shadows, is almost a little worse if you if if if you're if you're not um aware of how it works and how it manifests and how it operates. So, this is one of the reasons I wanted to talk about it on this podcast episode because you're expecting over bad managers or over horrible bosses, and it's very covert, which is in line with, especially in Britain, um, British culture, which is everything under the carpet, everything hidden, you know, not wanting to draw too much attention. So it works well here, but it only works well insofar as you don't recognize it. And one thing I tell you guys about this podcast is you're gonna wake up, you're gonna wake up, wake up, because there are things that are happening and you need to be aware of it. But I guess one of the questions is okay, well toy, then what do we do? And I think it's about, as I've always said, about building your burn folder. Because whilst in isolation, these seems like really innocent things, when you're able to build evidence and prove a pattern, effectively what you're doing is you're showing a propensity to act a certain way because those nice bosses are being nice for a reason, it's that nice, nasty approach, and what they're doing is uh building a case against you through their kind, soft, seemingly kind and soft approach, so that nobody actually questions their their methods. But what you need to do is counteract that by building evidential patterns that show a propensity to be treated and to be to be treated and have received treatment in a certain way. I think it's also important the wording that we use to describe this microaggressions, microaggressions are not overt, they're covert, that's why they're called micros. But when you start to build a pattern, they become macro. I think um it's also important to challenge, you know. They say um uh what's that saying? Um oh god, I can't remember that saying, but it's effectively that you have to meet them with that same niceness, but you have to be as cunning as a snake. And I've always said that. My mum always used to have that saying, she's saying you need to be as wise as a serpent and as cunning as a snake. And I think that approach applies here. Some people will say, Well, what's what's wrong with you know that approach? Because it's well, what's wrong with that approach? It's like psychological warfare. You're playing a psychological game and it's laced in uh control, um, deception, and to make you feel as though you're you're the problem, it's a breeding ground of gaslighting, so that's why it's a problem. Because if it remains unchecked, they'll do you out of a job. That's why it's important to discuss. So I hope that kind of brings to life the topic. And I think Ellen DeGeneres is a classic example of that because yeah, she did build her entire brand on just being nice, and when the Ellen DeGeneres show came to an end and people felt that they could breathe, they really spoke about their working conditions and about who she was to work for, and her knee, it was scary. What was alleged about her was scary, and I believed every word of it because I don't think people can be nice all the time, and I've spoken about this. Shouldn't the girl just to be yourself? I I I'm not trying to be listen, I'm I don't I might I don't strive to be nice, I strive to be myself, and I am nice because I am myself, but this whole thing about oh, if you're nice, you become palatable and you're less seen less of a danger. I feel like people who are too nice are dangerous. I have to be honest, I don't like that shit because balance and because the reality of life is you can't be nice all the time, life is not nice all the time, so yeah, I definitely think it's important that we speak about um that whole the rise of the polite horrible boss because of the paradox in that, but also just being aware that it's not you, it's not just in your mind, and actually, what is more powerful is the covert, it is the polite horrible boss, they have more of an impact because they've got so many people that will align themselves with them being amazing and being so nice. Oh, they would never, but when you start to build a pattern of information or you start to build that burn folder that demonstrates a pattern, it actually changes the narrative because they're having to justify all that pattern and say it's not a pattern. So sometimes you've got to beat them at their own game. That's it, you've got to kill them with kindness, and that killing with kindness is you mirror you mirror that whole polite horribleness, but you're stacking your burn folder to evidence that affects evidence what's happening when you take that day off because you need a mental health break, and they say, Oh, we're really busy and you have deadlines, it's that really busy we have deadlines that is said in a nice way that you write it down because what it's trying to do is coerce you into changing your position. So it's less about how it makes you feel, it's what they're saying or what they're not saying through nonverbal communication or what they say that seemingly is nice that is trying to change your behavior so that you can meet whatever it is their objectives are. That is the point. You've got to stay open, you've got to stay woke, and you've got to stay awake, and you've got to stay alert. Tiring, yes. Exhausting, yes, but it's a new method of approach. Managers are recognizing if we continue to in that stereotype, we're gonna lose because the law is effectively protecting as much as possible the employees. So we need to find another strategy, but we're cutting them off at the cutting their wings off there because we're calling it out and we're discussing it here on the podcast. So I want to close this episode by talking about or at least briefly mentioning Yubin Tamang. Um, he was 20 years old, a student from Nepal, who'd come over here to the UK. What we know is that um I can't remember the date, but he was crossing a road and he his life was taken by a hit and run. His body was propelled 70 feet in the air, and he later died in hospital. It's alleged that that driver was Getz. Uh, Getz is a UK artist, he's also an actor. I think he indulges in philanthropy as well. And this has been a shock. Not because I actually know who Getz is in terms of I'm not a fan, I know who he is, but I'm not a fan at all. But I think the shock has been the video that has been circulating, surveillance video of the area, and you actually see it happen. I think what's really made me sad is that this young man was crossing the road from the video, and this video, I I am gonna talk about the video in in a little bit more about the the legalities of the video, but this young man had his whole life ahead of him and his family are burying him because a driver was driving at a crazy speed and then also failed to stop. I can't imagine what his family are going through, can't imagine what his mom is going through. My prayers, my heart is with the family. There has been a GoFundMe page that's been set up by I believe it's Swiss. Um, sis is Swiss is a musician, he's a philanthropist, entrepreneur himself, and I'll share the link in the show notes. I've donated, I've donated, so I encourage you if you can, as little as you can, as much as you can, you know, every little helps. Because that family sent their son here to the UK for an education. They weren't saving at uh for the possibility of burying their son. Now they're confronted with the cost of that, the emotional cost, the psychological cost, and then the financial cost. So for me, I I definitely had to donate. And if you can't donate financially, donate your prayers. Um I've seen a lot of think pieces on social media about Getz, and this is what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say a couple of things. Firstly, I think it's very reckless that there is this video of this alleged video of what's happened circulating because you are prejudicing the case. Now, irrespective of what has been alleged, Getz is um he's entitled to a fair trial. That being said, the emotional and psychological effects of watching that video is heavy. But if you are now starting to leak evidence, you're creating opportunities for an appeal and you are prejudiciing how the trial will actually go. Bearing in mind, if there is a trial, that is, this trial will be with um jurors who are supposed to be independent. So if you've got this video circulating, how independent are that jurors going to be? Because I saw the video and I I was emotionally just I could not even function because I could not believe what I had watched. It was shocking. I can't even forward that to it to any of my friends. I I dare not, I just cannot. It is it is heavy. That's number one. Number two, when you make the decision to become a driver, it's more than passing your test, it's more than passing your hazard perception. You take on a responsible uh responsibility of a vehicle that you know, if mishandled, could kill. You have a heightened responsibility when you drive a car. It has been suspected, and it's been alleged that Getz was under the influence of alcohol and drugs. These are all alleged. When you are driving, you need to be able to think. Driving's not easy enough because you're constantly assessing what's happening around you whilst obeying the rules of of driving and making sure that you're being safe and you're being safe towards other drivers. That responsibility is because a vehicle, if mishandled, can kill. Get an Uber, get a bus, get a train, or walk. Get a line bike, get a Boris bike. Because if you are under the influence and you get into that vehicle and attempt to drive, you are risking the lives of everybody that comes into contact with your vehicle, yourself and whoever is in that car. If anyone, this is a reminder of the responsibility you have as a driver, not just for yourself, but for others. If you hit something, even if it's a windscreen, uh uh uh side mirror, stop.

SPEAKER_01:

Just stop, if you scratch someone's car, just stop. Just stop. Leave your number. I I I'm here's a if you hit another car, or a pedestrian, a cyclist, anybody, stop. Just stop. Whether you are under the influence or not, just stop.

SPEAKER_02:

If you yourself know that you shouldn't be driving, don't drive. Because there is a mother, there is a father, there is a family that are about to bury their 20-year-old child for crossing a road.

SPEAKER_01:

This isn't about who was driving, this is about why.

SPEAKER_02:

Why was you driving that car? Why was you driving at that speed? And why didn't you stop?

SPEAKER_01:

So, as we await the trial date, let's stop speculating and talking about manifestations and talking about spirituality.

SPEAKER_02:

Let's deal in the evidence. There are a few things that we know that happened that are true. A young man has died, a driver failed to stop, a driver was driving at a speed that they shouldn't have been. Those three things we know to be a fact, everything else is speculative. But if we want justice to be served, we have to allow the evidence to talk. But drivers, me included, we are we need to understand the magnitude of being able to drive. I've been driving now for over six or seven years now, I want to say. And I think it's six or seven years, I believe so. About five about five and a half, six years. Oh, is it seven? The time time is really escaping me. But I remember when I first started driving. And I uh my my people around me, I don't I I wouldn't call them friends because I don't think friends take the Mickey out of you when it comes to driving. But I was accused of being a granny.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my god, you have to put your sat nav everywhere.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes, because I don't want to be dithering and questioning myself about where I'm going. I'm not trying to show off, I'm just trying to get from A to B safely. And I I thank God for the fortitude of mind, and that I'm a I'm definitely not a follower. I'm a leader, I'ma lead me to where I gotta go. I don't have a need for speed or a need to impress. I don't have none of that shit. And I remember particularly, there was one person in particular, she said, Oh, you're such a granny. And in my head I was like, okay, but I'm gonna still do what I want to do, and I'm gonna still use that sat nav. I'm still gonna drive slower if I have to. I yeah, going around that roundabout. If I've got to go around it twice because I've missed my exit, I'll go around it twice. You're not gonna shame me. But even from that perspective, it's about being responsible, you know, and understanding the responsibility of having a car and knowing that other people are affected by the decisions that you make.

SPEAKER_01:

And yes, sometimes accidents happen. But some things aren't accidents when you willfully make a choice to do something that could potentially take someone's life.

SPEAKER_02:

But we have to remember something here a family has lost a loved one, and if you can't do anything positive, say nothing, but remember this is a live case, and the evidence will speak the truth of what happened. This isn't about the person or the title they have, this is about a person's decision, and we need to now find out how the evidence points to how that person made that decision, but failing to stop is a crime, and a young man has died. My name is Toya Washington, and you are listening to the Toya Talks podcast.

SPEAKER_00:

TI Let me show you how to navigate and elevate. That's what we do. Let's quit energy growth, no fantasy, just real talk. Let's open up one minute.