Behind The Mike Podcast
Behind The Mike Podcast is a Christ-centered show where host Mike Stone dives deep into inspiring stories and profound insights from guests who view life through a biblical lens. Each episode offers hope, encouragement and wisdom to help you navigate life's challenges with faith and purpose.
Tune in for conversations that uplift your spirit and strengthen your walk with Christ.
Send your questions or topics to Mike@BehindTheMike.net
The podcast is also available on YouTube at
https://youtube.com/@behindthemikepodcast
Behind The Mike Podcast
Navigating Teen Challenges: Insights from Mark Gregson on Parenting with Grace and Love
What are the biggest challenges facing today’s teens? Join us for an eye-opening conversation with Mark Gregson, founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for troubled teens, as we explore the impact of trauma, loneliness, and societal pressures on our youth. Mark shares his invaluable insights, highlighting both positive trends like decreased teen pregnancy rates and serious concerns such as the rise in suicide rates. We dive deep into the importance of fostering strong, meaningful relationships to help teens navigate these turbulent times.
Balancing boundaries and independence is no easy feat for parents, but Mark offers practical wisdom on shifting parenting priorities towards safety and development. Through heartfelt personal reflections, he discusses creating a supportive home environment that acts as a sanctuary from external pressures while preparing children to make wise decisions. Mark’s guidance on nurturing different personalities and fostering a loving relationship with your child provides hope as children transition into adulthood.
Faith and love take center stage as we discuss the balance between being a parent and a friend. Mark draws inspiration from Christ’s example, emphasizing listening and loving over authoritarian control. The conversation highlights the transition from teaching preteens to training teens, allowing them to learn from their experiences. We also touch on Mark’s inspiring personal journey, including his upcoming kidney transplant, showcasing his resilience and unwavering dedication to helping both parents and teens thrive. Tune in for a blend of practical advice, heartfelt stories, and hopeful insights on raising teens in today's challenging world.
Visit Mark Gregston's website, Parenting Today's Teens, for more resources on raising teenagers in today's world:
https://parentingtodaysteens.org
https://markgregston.com
https://heartlightministries.org
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CHAPTERS:
00:00 Introduction
01:02 What's Different About Today's Teens?
04:30 The Root of Hopelessness
07:14 Building Strong Relationships with Your Teen
12:30 Setting Boundaries and Letting Go
15:42 Can You Be Your Teenager's Friend?
18:30 Raising Kids of Faith in a Modern World
21:00 Conclusion: Hope for Today's Teens
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so, mark, thank you for joining us on uh, the podcast today um really appreciate being here yeah, absolutely so. Uh, you, I rumor has it you've got some experience with teens and uh I thought that, uh, I thought you'd be the guy to come on and talk to us about what's going on. In today's world. We hear so much negativity about our teens, about kids coming up and society and all that, and I really do.
Speaker 1:I've often thought of you as we have raised our kids and we hear things in the news going on about this, and that I wanted to go straight to a source that I trusted and that I respected and talk a little bit about what's going on with our teens today. So let's start with what you're doing. Yeah, I've only got a few things here. I know you do a lot more, but Heartlight yeah, you do Heartlight. We'll talk about that Parenting Today's Teens. I think most people know you through that, and then you're author and speaking.
Speaker 2:But so tell us about what you're doing right now. Yeah, you know, I think my passion, more than anything else, are the kids that I live with at Heartlight. It's a residential counseling center and we have 60 high school kids that come from all over the country that are struggling through issues. Interestingly, a third of those kids have been adopted. A bunch of them have been in Christian schools or homeschool and I'm not against Christian schools or homeschool, it's just their background and I always joke a little bit and the other third are Southern Baptists and I joke about that, but there's some truth.
Speaker 2:It used to be that way. Now it's just a collection of kids, and these kids are wonderful kids, but they're making poor choices. The culture has influenced them or provided them the opportunity for things that they shouldn't be doing, but they're doing it for a reason. They're doing it because they've had trauma in their life or unresolved issues. Or you know, a young lady walks in and sees her dad hanging from a ceiling fan. I mean those are the types of things that really skews somebody to go off in another direction.
Speaker 2:And just about all of our kids have had some traumatic experience, some difficulty, hardship, something's gone on sexual abuse, rape. I mean just something's happened and so we get to love on those kids for a year, and what I didn't know was that I have learned so much from those kids and the parents that that was the kind of the, the catalyst that that started the whole parenting. Today's teens thing 15, 20 years ago, of saying let's help parents not ever send their child to heartlight and um, and so that's that's, that's what I spend my time doing. So I live here with 60 high school kids and then, but I spend most of my time traveling and speaking and helping parents not ever send their child here and that's my drive. So anything that helps kids and helps parents I want to be involved in, and so that's how I get to spend my time.
Speaker 1:And we do. We heard you. I just heard you the other day, which prompted me to call you and say hey, haven't seen you in a while and I would love for you to be on the show and just share some of that wisdom. And so yeah, today, parenting today's teens is something that we listen to regularly, and I know a lot of others do as well, but it's tough raising kids.
Speaker 1:I think there's the stigma. Is there something wrong with today's teens? I mean, there's a lot of stuff you know we all we've. I think generations have joked about teens because we all make stupid choices and bad decisions. But is today's teen different than it was 50 years ago?
Speaker 2:yeah, I. I think what's different is the relational currency that we all spent a long time ago is not as plentiful as it is now and I think that's hurting our kids. You know, I mean overall, it's amazing to me the abortion rate continues to go down as it has since 1980. Half the number of kids are using alcohol. That used alcohol, you know, six years ago, which is amazing. Teen pregnancy has been cut in half and you would think that it would be more. I mean, you know, now the flip side of that, suicide rate is going up.
Speaker 2:You know, it's interesting to see how the balance is out of whack a little bit and kids end up, you know, doing other things. I mean the 15-year-old kids. For girls the suicide rate is the highest it's been in 75 years and the second highest group, you know, for suicide in the US is 15-year-old boys, and you and I know 49 kids that have taken their life, and so I'm always trying to learn from them and their families and say what was it and what is it? And it seems like there's that sense of hopelessness that kind of invades their life, where they feel somewhat lonely, they feel out to the side, by themselves, they don't feel like they're connecting. They don't fit in on social media. They don't like being compared to everybody else.
Speaker 2:I think it's a big challenge for kids today to try to fill that relationship void in their life. And we've all been created for a relationship. That's how God put us together and so if he put us together that way and it's not being fulfilled, then it's frustrating. And I think that's where we see kids starting to do stupid things let's get attention, let's do things where somebody will notice me, let's sexualize a lot of stuff without you know, having sex. I mean, it's just interesting the imagery that that our kids have the exposure, the lack of modesty.
Speaker 2:I think those things happen, but at the very core of it, and why everybody spends so much time on these things, is because they're trying to fulfill the very thing that God's created them for, and that's relationship and it's and so it's not working. And I think that's why we see some of the other behavior that we do, that that um is alarming to everybody. That we go okay. I mean it's a. It's a tough place to grow up, and we've all said it that we're glad that we don't have to grow up in an age like this, but our kids do have to do that, and what it does is bring about the opportunities for parents to be more engaged and become the, I would say, the cathedral apex, the point person, the one that's at the top of the line for building relationships with their kids. It's not only wanted, it's desperately needed, and parents and grandparents are just about the only ones that have that ability because they have the closeness of that relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great. You know, when I was growing up and I think probably many can relate to this my dad worked all the time. I think that generation really felt like we were the breadwinners. That's our main responsibility. He wasn't around a lot. I know he loved me and I don't know what that looks like today in general, but is the shift that we're seeing right now? Is that due to the way parents are raising their kids? You mentioned the relationship. Is that becoming less existent than it was?
Speaker 2:I mean, really, is there anything that pinpoints why the suicide jump and why the hopelessness I guess in our teens yeah, you know, I think that we've all gotten busy, and I'm not going to blame the fact that moms are now working, you know, for a second job. But to make ends meet, people have to, and I think having that mom outside of the house it was just a shift in the culture that things began to look a little bit different. I think when they allowed and promoted girls sports and I'm not against girls sports, I've got grandkids that are in sports, you know everything, I'm not against girls sports, I've got grandkids that are in sports, I've got you know everything, I'm not against it. But I'm saying what it did was fill up the time and it kind of butted up against the schedules that we all got used to, and and what it did was I mean, now we're now we're playing soccer on Sunday mornings, and so people don't go to church as much as they used to and it's filled those Saturdays and because of the intensity of work, dad wants to go play golf a little bit more to relieve his stress and get involved in things, and mom wants to relax, and so we build homes that are really vacation places and more people go on vacation than they ever have. I mean, it's a sign that people want to relax and not have the intensity of the world. Well, that intensity of parents sometimes shifts away from kids and they don't have as much time with them, and that's where parents have got to be very intentional.
Speaker 2:Now, my dad never spent any time with me because he was working. I mean, he was working, and you know, to protect and to serve, and he thought he was a great dad, but I have no idea who he was, and that's just the nature of it. Well, now dads are busy and moms are busy, and so kids are kind of left on their own. But I think the other thing that happened, mike, that is so important, is that the internet brought all those things we were trying to protect our kids from brought them into our home, and so now we're having to deal with things like pornography for our young men or our lifestyles. I mean, people watch the Olympics the other day and everything exploded just because there were gay people and people going. What in the world are we doing with this stuff on our TV? And I go, it's invaded our lives.
Speaker 2:And I'm not passing judgment on anybody for what anybody feels about any of that. It's not my business, but what happens is I mean, the number of movies, the number of entertainment, the comments that are made. We cuss more. We have seen more Modesty isn't what it used to be. You just, you know, you just kind of go.
Speaker 2:We've gotten numb to a lot of those things where we don't even blush, and I think that it just shows that we've been exposed to more and more. And I think if parents don't counter that in some way with a relationship, by building a relationship and saying I'm going to spend time with my child and I'm going to make sure that I'm involved in his life, if they don't do that, then what happens is a child doesn't grow up. And that's why the American Medical Association has increased the age of adolescence stage 27. The American Journal of Adolescent Psychiatry has increased it to age 26. Our kids aren't growing up, I mean because we give them everything all the time. We're doing things for them, but we're not doing things with them, and that's what becomes important. So that's my encouragement to parents all the time Quit playing golf, quit you know now everybody hates me for saying that but quit volunteering for every school board and every place at church.
Speaker 2:Quit doing that during the adolescent years and pour your life into your child because they need you desperately. And the reason I say that, and the reason I think it's so important, is that out of those 49 kids that I know that have taken their life, not one of those parents saw it coming, not one of them. And that tears me up to think that a child in a home feels that sense of loneliness that they would go. You know I'm better off if I'm not here and I think that's where I want to keep parents from having to experience what I've seen so many parents experience and it's just saying let's spend some time with kids.
Speaker 1:That's great. You know raising my kids early on. There are challenges in all stages, but early on it's pretty simple. When you're creating boundaries Don't play in the street, don't touch the stove, those are pretty basic things. But we quickly realized that when they start getting into that adolescent age it's tough to create boundaries and we had many conversations about where are the boundaries for this or that. How do you incorporate boundaries for a teenager and yet show grace and understanding and help them to understand that these are still boundaries, to protect them but yet give them their independence?
Speaker 2:Is there any?
Speaker 1:secret to that.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, I think there's a little bit of a sacrifice. That happens because our kids have are in a world that is more intense. That, as I said earlier, that you and I have said we're glad we don't have to grow up in it. But I think the challenge is that I want to maintain what's important and maybe let go of some of the things that aren't important. You know, I mean, my dad really felt it was important to make your bed.
Speaker 2:You know, I just want a child to be alive, to be in that bed you know, and I mean we felt like to have a clean room, to all those things, and you know to mow the yard in the right way, to you know to do it. I mean we were so picky about those things to that when we weed eat, that we weed eat in a certain way, and and those were so important. Well, you know what? Those aren't that important anymore and I and I think we've got to figure out as parents what is important, what is important for our kids, and that's what I'm going to hold to.
Speaker 2:Is it the way they dress, or do I let it go? And I think a parent has got to come to the conclusion that people don't dress like they used to 50 years ago. And if they don't, then can I let that go? I mean, I get to travel and, and Jane and I always get away and go to Cabo San Lucas, you know to. I go down there and write, and we get to hang out on the beach and sit around the pool and and, man, I love it to get away yeah, but what I've seen sitting around that pool I am amazed at and I go okay, it's a shift in culture.
Speaker 2:What's accepted now is not what was accepted a long time ago. Are there things that I can let go of to relieve the pressure that a child feels while holding to the things that I think are important? And I go can I give up something? Can I lose a battle to win the war? And I think that's how we've got to look at it to create a home that's safe and relaxing and enjoyable, that is a retreat and a respite from the pressures of life. Sometimes we've got to, just got to stop and say maybe I'm pushing too much, maybe I did in the preteen years, but now in the teen years, maybe I need to let some things go, and I'm always careful about telling people what to let go of.
Speaker 2:Oh, sure you know some things mean a lot to some people, but there's just some things that I go. You know there's a lot of things I just don't care about Now. The reason I feel that way is because I live with 60 high school kids and that half of them would tell you that they wouldn't be alive had they not come to us. So there's a part of me that goes. I want to focus on what's important. So whether they say a cuss word one time, you know, in the midst of it, and when they've been bombarded and hear the F-bomb dropped a thousand times a day in the lunch line while waiting to get their corn dog, you know, or whatever they're eating at lunch, I go. It doesn't matter, it's not worth blowing up the world over. And so it's learning that it's okay to let some things go and lose that battle, as long as I'm winning the war and I get it.
Speaker 2:People will say, well, the scripture says it. I know what I was Oklahoma Bible quiz champ of 1969. I know what scripture says and I go. But I'm trying to take scripture and make it real for kids so that they embrace it and they don't feel like I'm just this legalistic person that's going. You know we're not going to do that yet you know I don't want to be that. I want to be the one that. That that you know where Paul said remember how I was with you thing that we can offer our kids is a relationship that conveys love and promotes independence and gets them to a point where they're making decisions and getting ready to live in a world that you and I have said that we have a tough time living in. That's a long answer to a short question, isn't it?
Speaker 1:No, this is a topic. I think that we've touched on so many topics on the podcast, but I think raising your kids is probably the toughest, because I don't think there's. I have got two kids, both of them are totally opposites, so we had to raise them differently, and I messed up so many times, Mark, I've even talked to you about a couple of those.
Speaker 2:I think in the past we all have.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you do your best, and when my kids' age they're in their 20s now you hope to see the fruit of some of that and you're always going to. Like you said, you always mess up, but, by God's grace, we do the best we can. Is it okay for a parent to be a friend of their child? That just popped into my head because I know that my son and I have a good relationship. My daughter and I have a different type of relationship, very strong relationships, but I've always found myself going ah, that may be pushing it too far. Is there a danger in that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that you be pushing it too far. Is there a danger in that? Yeah, I think that you've got to remain a parent. I mean there's no doubt. And we get this idea that to be relational, we have to be either a friend or a parent.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I go no, relational is a character trait that I can have a great relationship with them and still remain the parents, because they need a parent somewhere. I tell grandparents all the time you're not a, you're not a parent on steroids. Be a grandparent, don't be a parent. You know I mean, fulfill that role that you have and and you know I think what happens is is that that it's it's in that relationship that we build with our kids and usually when they get, you know, 17, 18, 19 on up there I've got a granddaughter that's 24 years old and just called me last night and asked me to perform her wedding and you know, my job is to maintain the relationship with her.
Speaker 2:Job is to maintain the relationship with her. You know, and I think the thing that I hear over and over again which is interesting is that I hear parents saying all the time you know, my kids aren't as spiritual as we were and my kids aren't, you know. I mean most people I talk to. Their kids just aren't where we were with the fervor and all that we had. And I wonder why that is.
Speaker 2:And I think sometimes it's because we haven't spent as much time in a relationship with them, giving them a taste of the character of God. I think we've given them a taste of religion. I think we've given them a taste of other things, but not a taste of the character of God. How would God treat this? How would he look at this? How would he engage with the child?
Speaker 2:And I get the idea that Jesus, if he was sitting here talking, would remain quiet most of the time and and and not be the one that's always yapping all the time and nagging and concerned about whether your bed's made or what your room looks like. Or I get the idea that he would listen to the heart of all of us and then share that wisdom with us at some point, and I think that's the kind of relationship that I want to have. I want it to be a different kind of relationship. I don't want it to be like a parent and at the same time I don't want it to be like a friend. I want it to be a combination of both that offers a child something to prepare them for the world they're going to be living in.
Speaker 1:That's great insight. I like the analogy of Jesus just being quiet. I think that's probably a part of our problem as parents is that we feel like we have to have this authoritarian role when what you're saying is just to have a relationship.
Speaker 1:You know, what they're doing, be with them, know where they're at in life. Well, as we wind down here, I want to ask you one more question, and that's how you mentioned it just now how does faith play a role in what you're doing? You've got these kids that come, and I know you've had some really rough kids come in and some deep, deep turmoil.
Speaker 1:How do you allow faith? And I think this is something that we could, as parents, can use in raising our kids, because we don't want to cram religion down their throat, I think the. Thing that someone told me, as my kids were starting to get older, was be the example of Christ in their life, and I think, that helped me kind of to what you just said. Is you know what would Jesus do?
Speaker 1:if he was sitting here, but I think we can probably glean from your answer to that is how does faith play a role when you're dealing with teens that are indignant, maybe?
Speaker 2:even anti-Christ.
Speaker 1:How do you deal with that?
Speaker 2:Well, you love them through it. And I think there's a part where I have always thought that, yeah, I mean, there's preteens and then there's teens, and preteens is a time for us to teach. The teenage years is a time for us to train, and the only time that I tell parents that they're wrong the only time because men don't like to be told they're wrong the only time I tell them is that if you think that whatever tools you use during the preteen years are going to be effective during the teen years, then you are wrong. It's not going to work. And so we talk, talk, talk during the preteen years, and what we need to be doing during the teen years is listening. We need share information. We need to be sharing more wisdom. We make make all the decisions. We need to let them make decisions. You know it's transferring and training them up in the way.
Speaker 2:But here's the other thing too it's not what you do Now, it's become who you are, and I learned a long time ago that the influence I have and you said it perfectly that it's the example that I have and put before them, that I don't have to mention Christ all the time, I don't have to quote scripture to them. All the time I am possessed by Christ, he is in me. My hope is that the word becomes flesh and dwells among the kids, and I want kids to say you know more than anything else. I want them to say you know, and people know this, I don't tolerate anything, but that's not what I want them to know. I want them to know that I love them and I love them dearly because I do, and that's what I want them to know that I love them and I love them dearly because I do. And that's what I want. And if that's not coming across, then I'm not doing a good job reflecting the person of Christ, the character of God, to a generation. That gives them the opportunity to experience something they can experience nowhere else.
Speaker 2:And and I and I think it's it's just learning how do I engage with people where they feel loved, and and I get my foot in the door where I can offer them something and get them to move toward me, rather than me always chasing them down. And what I find is that it happens more in my silence than it does in my talking, where scripture says that even a fool appears wise when he keeps his mouth shut. You know, then that draws people to you. And I think then, once we have the opportunity, it's not feeling like I have to shove something down their throat. I can just share who I am and live life on life. And that's where the old adage comes that the Christian life is more caught than taught. And if that's true, then I don't have to speak as much as I think I do.
Speaker 2:And I would say that to moms quit talking so much I think I do. And I would say that to moms quit talking so much. To dads, I would say don't be afraid to share more, don't be afraid to share your imperfections, because that's what draws people to you. It's not how perfect you are or what you've accomplished. There's not one kid that walks on our property that is impressed that I write books or on a podcast or do radio. They don't care about that stuff, you know. What they care about is the relationship that I have with them and how I can love them. And I go hey, it's your birthday, it's your 16th birthday, sweetheart. Come on, let's go eat dinner, you know. Let's go sit down and celebrate you. And I think those are the things, it's the small things that really convey the character of God and they get a taste of that and it makes them long for that in the days ahead.
Speaker 1:That's such great advice I love that. Well, let's wrap up here, but I'm going to talk about. You mentioned your books, all the resources you have. I know we can go to your website. You have actually markgregstoncom.
Speaker 2:Is that right?
Speaker 1:Markgregstoncom, parentingtodaysteensorg and heartlightministriesorg. If you just go to those three websites, you can find a lot of stuff.
Speaker 2:There's a little bit of everything and I always push, of course, a podcast and I push and tell people to get the newsletter. It's full of articles and you know, and and stuff like that. Um, I've got a new book that'll be coming out in the spring. It's called I'm drowning because and it's a whole other story I almost drowned in an incident, uh, last January, and um, and I, I went down and, as a result, I'm getting a kidney transplant and I'll do that sometime in September.
Speaker 2:Uh, it's just been, you know, things that have built up and built up since then. But anyway, so I get to write a book called I'm drowning and um, it'll be out sometime. Whenever I finish it, I I'm going to be stuck at home for a little while and not be able to travel as much for a few months, and and uh, and so I'll write it during that time and and and get it done. But you know, there's always something it never quits, it never quits and, of course, living with 60 high school kids, there's always a new adventure every day when you think you're too busy with four or six kids.
Speaker 1:remember Mark.
Speaker 2:There, you go, there, you go, there you go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's fun. Mark Gregson, we so appreciate your time my friend, and we wish you the best. We'll be praying for you, all those that are listening and watching. We'll remember to watch for the book, but also to be praying for you as that kidney transplant is coming. Thanks, and so appreciate you and thank you for joining us and hope to have you back sometime.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Appreciate you, my friend. We'll talk soon.
