Released
Released
God Went Radio Silent | Connor Benich
Talmage got to ask Connor Benich about his experience coming home from the mission. Connor's story goes through heart break, God's radio silence, Tiktok, dating, and a conversation you wouldn't think someone would have with God.
Season Three will be wrapping up after a few more episodes. We recorded them in the beginning of the year and we're excited to get these episodes out to everyone.
Please rate and review the podcast. It really helps us know what you want to hear more of. Thank you for listening.
Remember, God is good and is planning on your success. And though you've been released from your mission, you haven't been released from your ministry.
Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode of Release the Podcast. I was bummed. I couldn't put out an episode last week. We had some technical difficulties with the software. We figured it out, though, and so we're going to put one out this week, and we'll probably do a double episode week one of these times, just so we can get that number of episodes up there. Because, again, our goal is 52 episodes this year, which is a lot. But we got this and, with your guys' support, we can do it.
Talmage Thayne:Just wanted to let you guys know we are doing a different format moving forward. This is actually the last episode with the old format, where it's very guest centered. We bring a guest on, talk to them, ask them about their story, why they went on a mission, what happened to them on the mission that changed them when they came back, what was their expectation, what was reality and how has God helped them succeed, even through whatever trials they experienced while coming back. So this is the last episode that's going to follow that format. I just realized I'm like man. It seems like I'm asking the same questions. I need to change this up a bit. So we're going from a guest centered podcast to more of a topic centered podcast. We're still going to bring on guests. They're still going to share their stories, but it's going to be more topic centered, so we bring somebody on and ask them about their experience surrounding a particular topic. You guys will have to let me know how you guys like it, but I think it's going to be really good. It's going to be more powerful, going to be more focused and you guys will know what the episode is about before you have to listen to it.
Talmage Thayne:In this week's episode I got to interview Connor Benich. He grew up in Lehigh Utah and served in the Tennessee Nashville Mission. He works as a cheer coach and tumbling director in Heber City and he works part-time for the United Spirit Association. He's passionate about exercise and cheerleading and making his hobbies his occupation. His dream is to compete on a cheer team on a national or international level and also to own his own tumbling gym. Let's talk about Connor's released story. Dude Connor, thank you so much for being on the podcast.
Connor Benich:Happy to be here, man Dude.
Talmage Thayne:It's a long time coming. Well, tell us a little bit about who you are kind of like, where you came from and your upbringing, and why you decided to go on a mission.
Connor Benich:Okay, yeah, so as a kid I don't really think I was like, I don't consider myself like a terribly spiritual person, think I was like uh, I don't consider myself like a terribly spiritual person. Like, um, it was. It was interesting to me because, like, growing up I didn't really think I was gonna go on a mission. Um, I was. Uh, I didn't necessarily have the same testimony everyone else did. I didn't feel like I had the same kind of like connection. You know, like when people say the stories, tell their or bear their testimonies, tell stories, they say like I know that god was talking to me and I was like what never had that. Yeah, can't relate, bro. And so I just, like I was a good kid, I did my best to, you know, do what I I knew was right, but I never really had like a solid like connection to God. And so I was under the impression that, like you know, if he wants me to go, he'll let me know, like he'll have to talk to me or something like that. I had this friend Because growing up, I started to get involved with parkour.
Connor Benich:It was very popular back in 2012. Jumping off of things, parkour Did you watch any YouTubers?
Connor Benich:Jesse LaFleur yes actually I love Jesse LaFleur. I loved that guy. He's the one who introduced me to it. I was watching all his videos. I started teaching myself.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah because he taught you the mechanics of everything.
Connor Benich:He broke it down very well, yeah, and years later, my teaching style is very much mirrored after him. Actually, that is awesome. Yeah, yeah, that's so funny. I actually wound up meeting him. Really. Yeah, when, when? So I got into parkour like 2012. And then 2014, like my parents like we have this annual trip we would do to disneyland. And for christmas I was like hey, we're like an hour away from the gym he works at and my parents are like you know what, for christmas, we'll get you a private lesson with him.
Talmage Thayne:No way, yeah, that is so sick.
Connor Benich:And then kind of random side tangent, like 12 years later he was on Instagram Live and just randomly I was like you know what? I'll request to join the live. He let me in.
Talmage Thayne:What? Yeah, that is crazy.
Connor Benich:And I was like dude, it's like I met you years ago. I still have this hat that you signed for me. I like ran to go get it and it was like, dude, you're such an inspiration, it was so cool, that is so sick. Yeah, oh, my gosh, that was. Yeah, life really started to pick up around when I found that, yeah, parkour era, man. Yeah, so fun. So it was because of parkour that my mom was like I don't want you teaching yourself this stuff outside, cause I was going out during lunch and teaching myself how to do front flips and, oh dang, yeah, messing up my tailbone. Oh, literally, I bet.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, flip.
Connor Benich:Yeah, um, so, yeah, so, yeah. So she put me in classes at this gym in Lehigh and that's where I met some of my coaches there. One guy, his name, was Sam. Was it a gymnastics class? Yeah, okay, yeah. So it was like a gymnastics class for parkour, dang and so, like I quickly got really good in these classes and I was like it's so much fun, I just want to work here. So I worked there and got even closer with my coaches and one guy, sam eric. He was great example. He was like one of the head coaches there and he was just the coolest guy. Like he was everything that I wasn't. He was confident, he was really good at talking to girls, he was really athletic and, like Skinny Connor, who like couldn't talk to anyone to save his life Like this guy, sam, being so, like you know, welcoming to me and, like you know, like really making me feel seen and included, making me feel like a friend yeah Was the biggest, the biggest inspiration to me and I was like I want to be like him.
Connor Benich:A couple years go by and he decides that he's gonna go on a mission too. Um, he's like two years older than me and I remember like being at his farewell, watching him like give bears testimony, and thinking to myself, like you know, he's gone through so much, he's had a tough life and despite like all the things that's going for him, he was like, really he was a high school cheerleader, he was really good at that, could have gone right into college, started doing that very charismatic, had all these friends like could have dated and married any girl he wanted to, and the thought that I was having was like, if he has all of that and is willing to sacrifice it to serve the lord, I have nothing. What's my excuse? And so I guess, like having a role model that showed that he could be so selfless was an inspiration to me and a big reason why I decided to serve a mission.
Talmage Thayne:That's so sick, yeah. Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about role models and mentors lately because I feel like I haven't taken advantage of the ones in my life, at least recently, and I'm like looking back on the times where I have had that and I have taken advantage of it and actually was humble enough to like listen to their lessons or take their counsel, because sometimes I just get prideful and I don't want to. But they've already gone through so much, they've learned lessons, they've sacrificed so much. What's the point in not letting yourself learn from their lessons and you have to do it yourself, and so that's so cool that you're able to like look at him and be like, okay, he's sacrificing all of this. It has to be for something.
Connor Benich:So damn, that's sick. I was thinking about it the other day at the gym. I was like we are. We really are the sum of all of our teachers, rather like, not just like you know, school teachers, but people who have taught us lessons, events that have taught us lessons in life, and I think that's kind of what inspired me to be a missionary. And while I was out there, discovered, discovered.
Connor Benich:That was my true passion for it was the ability to positively influence somebody else's life and teach them the life lessons I had learned, in the same way that other people in life had been gracious enough to teach to me.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, yeah, dang, that's so sick. So you decided to go on a mission. You got a call. Where did you get called to?
Connor Benich:Yeah, I got called to serve in the Tennessee Nashville mission. Nice, yeah, so Nashville.
Talmage Thayne:Nashville, baby Dang, was there a lot of bachelorette parties going on while you're walking those streets.
Connor Benich:The funny thing is I didn't see Nashville, the city itself, until the last three weeks of my mission. I got permission from one of the converts that I had helped baptize. He drove me to Nashville to kind of see the sites and check stuff out. So it was like when I was out there one of the first things I saw was a pedal bar. Yeah, it was funny. Oh dang, that was a pedal bar.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, it was funny, dang, that's a cool concept.
Connor Benich:Yeah, it's like huh, really, work that out of your system quickly. Yeah, seriously, that's true Genius business plan actually it is. But yeah, no, it was like the vibes of that city are fantastic. I wouldn't consider myself necessarily a city person but it's, given the state's history very much from the ground up, rooted in hardworking people, still kind of lives on to this day. The rest of Tennessee is just like that so green, everyone's so nice, everyone's very down to earth and uh, yeah, it's like it's wonderful. People down there are wonderful. If, like, if life had been different, I'd probably be living there now. Dang.
Talmage Thayne:That's so sick? And was there a moment on your mission or an experience that, like transformed you?
Connor Benich:Um, I, I had this moment about halfway through my mission. I had this companion, elder Crafts, one of my best friends to this day. But he had a reputation for being in the past. He was a disobedient missionary and so he had this reputation that, oh, he doesn't follow the rules, he's not a good missionary, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then, when I met him, he turned out to be the opposite, but also he did things his own way. He was like a kind of a gray area missionary.
Connor Benich:You know, we have this bad habit of categorizing missionaries and other aspects in life to like, it's either this way or that way, it's black, it's white, it's good, it's bad. And his intentions were always good when I was with him. His methods were not by the white handbook, I guess you could say. But the crazy thing to me is is that every single time he would go into this gray area method, like, it always worked out for good. And for me, who was like, constantly stressing out, like, am I doing the right thing? Like, like, is God going to punish me? It's like, like, am I not going to be a good missionary If I don't follow the rules? Exactly then, like, what am I doing? I was constantly stressed out, constantly freaking out. Yeah, it drove him nuts, I'm sure. Yeah.
Talmage Thayne:Dude, it's okay, man.
Connor Benich:Yeah, yeah. It's like he's just chill, chill, like this little kid. This kid is just like losing his marbles over this. Yeah, but he. I remember asking him one day it's like, how do you always know that you're doing the right thing? And his response has always stuck with me. He said honestly, at the end of the day, as long as I know where I stand with god.
Connor Benich:That's all that matters. And so that was a that was kind of a transformative experience for me, because my impression of the gospel was there are the rules, there's the guidelines you're given, there's the guidelines you're given and you have. If you do not follow these exactly, then you're not doing the best you can, then you are not uh, you're not worthy of god's guidance, his love or anything like that. Um, and his, his words and the actions following after that kind of taught me that it's not that simple. It's simple but it's not. And how many times have we said that regarding the gospel? Right, yeah yeah, seriously.
Connor Benich:But I think it came to like me focusing, rather than on a list of rules, a dogma for the sake of dogma, to what is right and what actions will help me guide myself and others to right decisions. And the interesting about that is the transfer that he left mission president, called me and was like hey, we're sending Elder elder crafts home. Um so, on that note, I'm gonna make you district leader over 12 other missionaries. Oh my gosh, that's a huge district, it was massive. And I'm gonna make you train at the same time. Oh my goodness. So to say, my stress was through the roof, was an understatement.
Talmage Thayne:Twelve other missionaries. Yeah, so like six other companionships besides your own.
Connor Benich:Six yeah.
Talmage Thayne:So there was 14 of us, 14. That's insane. That's a zone.
Connor Benich:Basically, it's a zone. Yeah, it's a zone. Oh my gosh, it was the most fun though I bet. We loved district meetings.
Talmage Thayne:we love going to support each other yeah, and things like were you guys close, so you like, in proximity, so you guys could hang out on p days, that's actually that's actually.
Connor Benich:the thing is that we were pretty close, like, but we would all have to leave our areas to go to the stake center to be able to hang out with each other on P days. So like we were very close, like I consider those guys some of my best friends. Like. I unfortunately don't get to see them very much, but if I were to see them it's like Pick up right where it left off. Exactly, you guys are just homies.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, it's like a day never went by.
Connor Benich:Yeah, it's like a day never went by. And there was this point where our mission president he made this announcement like hey, we need to make sure we're following the rules of the White Handbook.
Talmage Thayne:We're not going to leave our areas on P-Day anymore.
Connor Benich:No, yeah, we were heartbroken over it. It was not a good time but, of course, like being obedient missionaries and trying to follow his guidance, we were like okay, yeah, and I remember for two weeks it was, I was there for like six, seven and a half months, something like that. Those were the worst two weeks. The entire time I was there Like it's just feeling really down on our luck, like we weren't able to get many lessons in. It didn't feel like we were doing anything meaningful and none of the other missionaries were experiencing good success either.
Connor Benich:And so I kind of had this idea or impression whichever you want to go with and I presented it to the missionaries the next P-Day or not, p-day district meeting and I said, listen everyone, I know what President Stone said. I know he said we got to stay in our areas for P-Day, but if you look at the way things have been our quality work, our numbers, just our quality of life in general it has completely sucked I might have said that too, I wasn't very good with with a good missionary language sometimes, but I just said, like this clearly isn't working.
Connor Benich:Let's experiment. Let's go back to the way we were doing things, where we come and support each other on P days and we'll see how it goes, and I'll tell President Stone how it goes afterward. And everyone was in agreeance with it, like we were like okay, yeah, let's give it a shot. Right back up again Became the highest teaching and I think we even got a couple baptisms that those two weeks what the heck? Yeah, that is sick. Yeah, so it was like was I following the rules? No, but I wound up doing the right thing. Yeah, just because I trusted that God was going to tell me if I was doing something that was completely out of my jurisdiction.
Talmage Thayne:Dude, I freaking love that story because you trusted yourself enough to be like okay, logically, let's just look at the numbers. But also, how am I feeling? Am I in good standing with God? Is this something God would want me to do? And then you didn't just say, okay, president has no idea what he's talking about. Forget him, we're going to do our own thing. And just not tell him yeah, you didn't do that. You're just like, hey guys, this is how I'm feeling and, as your district leader, this is how I feel like we should do it going forward. Let's just experiment and then let's fill him in on this later on.
Talmage Thayne:And I bet because, like God doesn't want to command us in all things and I'm sure mission presidents don't either, and they can't, frankly, they're not all seeing, even if they do have the authority to lead a mission yeah and so he needs leaders like you that are willing to do those experiments, who are willing to take risks, trust themselves, but also take accountability and go back to him and be like hey, this is what we found doing this yeah, I think that's one of the things I'm most grateful for from that particular mission president was he was, um, a lot of mission presidents have like, okay, here's your set list of approved music.
Connor Benich:Is your approved list of activities? Yeah, approved, approved, approved, right? Um, it's what the book of Mormon musical makes fun of us for, like approved dialogue, but, um, sorry, it's funny to me. It's like approved dialogue, but sorry, it's funny to me.
Talmage Thayne:No, it's so true, I'm just thinking of all the words that were like banned Guys. You couldn't say guys.
Connor Benich:Yeah, it's like I said it anyway. Yeah, it's like, just like everyone watching this podcast is going to be like what kind of missionary was this guy? Oh, my gosh, um, it was so funny, but no, that's. I think something I was really grateful for him for is because he did the exact opposite. He told us, like you guys are adults, you guys have come out here on your own volition. I trust that you guys will follow what the spirit will tell you to do, and that was. I think that was the best thing that I could have. Had was trying to transition from what are the set list of rules. What's the step-by-step instructions to like? Let the spirit guide, follow the spirit of the law, just like the scriptures say if it is inspired of good, if it inspires you to do good, it's of God of good. If it inspires you to do good, it's of god, yeah, and so trusting that rather than is it on the stone tablets.
Connor Benich:If it is, then I can do it, if it's not, then it's not, and that was that has, honestly, like, carried me in a lot of ways since then. That's so sick. Have you read the book since then? That's so sick.
Talmage Thayne:Have you read the book Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink? No, it sounds good, though. So good.
Talmage Thayne:I'm currently reading it right now, but he talks about the title comes from like extreme ownership, meaning you take responsibility for everything in your life, but also in your, that's going on in your team, and like if a mission is not a success, it's your fault and let's talk about it like why. It's not meant to like shame you or anything. It's just meant to be like okay, how can we improve and take ownership of it? Um, but some of the principles in there is he talks about leadership. He's you need to be able to trust the leaders under you because they're leading people, and so I think that's really cool what your mission president did. He's like, yeah, you guys are adults, you guys know what you're doing. I trust you to follow the spirit.
Talmage Thayne:Here's the general mission, here's the purpose, and that's called in this book. It's called the commander's intent. Our goal is to baptize people, bring people to Christ and all this stuff. I'm going to tell you what I think is the best way to do it, but while you're in the field you might see things. I don't, and so you go with it. You take it In the book. It's a Navy SEAL that writes this book, and so he's illustrating these principles through his battle tactics and he's like I'm kind of overseeing all these different platoons of Navy SEALs but I can only see the big picture. I can't see the nitty-gritty, what's going on. Maybe this vantage point isn't the best. So if you need to go to a different building for a different vantage point, do it. And that's kind of what this mission president did with probably his own leaders and his district leaders, just saying just follow the spirit, like I trust you, god trusts you.
Connor Benich:You can trust yourself. That really is a leap of faith because I mean, in my experience and leadership positions after the mission, like being, you know, shift lead or a manager over over employees like I, you want to give them that kind of trust but sometimes they let you down. So it's like it's crazy to you know, think the kind of faith and trust that it comes from a position of like a mission president to like go all right, you guys are all my zone and district leaders, like here's what you got to do and you know, trusting that they'll make the right decisions on their own, especially when they're 18 oh yeah, oh my gosh, I have a hard time thinking I can trust anyone who's
Talmage Thayne:18 with anything? Seriously, oh man, ah, that's insane man. What a good mission. Um, oh, absolutely so. Okay, take yourself back to the last transfer. You're doing my plan. If you did my plan, I didn't do my plan. I didn't do it very well, yeah, what was your expectations for coming home, and what did it end up actually being?
Connor Benich:So I think two, maybe three transfers. Before I was supposed to go home, a mission president calls me and he says Elder Benich, because of the way flights and things like that are being set up right now, you have the option to go home and transfer early and you'll still have finished your mission honorably. There'll be no shame in coming home early, but I just want to give you that option in case you want to get started with school. Yeah, and I remember like part of me, like wanting to do the right thing was still like very heavy on my mind. Yeah, old habits die hard. Exactly.
Connor Benich:Yeah, I remember praying vehemently for three days and looking for any sort of sign, flipped a special coin I had. I looked for my favorite animals. I would wait for a particular favorite song to come on when I was just hanging out in the apartment or whatever. And I was allowed to call home to my parents too and I don't remember who said it if it was my mission president or my parents but someone told me that this is one of those situations that you need to trust that God will help you out either way, whichever that there's no right or wrong answer here. God will help you out either way, whichever, there's no right or wrong answer here. And so that was tough. It was a lot of pressure, because I gave everything I had to my mission and more, and my goal was to finish my mission in a way that I would look back and never regret it. Um, I had a lot of missionary friends who were like I, I want to go back to my mission, I'm going to be so sad when it's over. And throughout the mission I was like I won't be, because I will have given everything I had and I will know that I had not let the Lord down based on my effort and so going into that, you know. And then you know I told I wound up telling President Stone, like take a leap of faith, I'll go home a little earlier than I'm supposed to, I'll go home and transfer early, and so that meant that my plan started the next day, yeah, and so I I started all that like setting up all my goals, like I was gonna do this, this and this every day, um, and all this cool stuff.
Connor Benich:I don't remember anything in particular, other than when it got to the eternal families part and I was like I will not be distracted by this. So many missionaries. As soon as you mention marriage, they're like, oh, I can't wait. Yeah, focus goes out the window for them, and I was not going to be that guy. Focus goes out the window for them, yeah, and I was not going to be that guy. So that's really the only thing I remember from my plan was just kind of like trying to stay as focused on the mission where I was. Same Right then. And there, that was my downfall.
Talmage Thayne:I was just like, I'll figure this out later. Yeah, I'll do it when I get home.
Connor Benich:It's like the spirit will guide, just hold to out later. Yeah, I'll do it when I get home. It's like the spirit will guide, just hold to the rod, yeah exactly.
Talmage Thayne:I'm like it'll all work out, god's going to bless me, and so when. I get home, it's all going to click into place.
Connor Benich:That's going to be a topic for later on.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, Okay, let's keep hearing this.
Connor Benich:Yeah, so I mean, um, that was that was kind of it really like really trusting that the decision I was going to make was going to work out for my benefit.
Connor Benich:no, matter what um and you know, just trying to stay focused, trying to work hard, um, I don't know what I expected to experience when I got home, but I had finally built this relationship with the Lord where I trusted him and I felt like he would continue to guide me at home, as he had guided me on a mission. Part of my patriarchal blessing says that you know the Lord will guide you as you seek him out in prayer, and so that was something that I remember trying to hold on to was to uh um um, to hold on to that trust and to reach out to him and ask for his guidance in everything I did. So I think that was like the main thing that I was so desperately holding on to was I don't know what's going on. I literally could not envision my life past the age of 21. So I was convinced that, like you know, I'll probably just die at 21. And later on, when I turned 22, I was like now I didn't think I'd make it this far.
Connor Benich:Oh my gosh, now I actually have to figure this out up yet yeah, um, but yeah, just like, really like trusting that whatever was going to happen next was going to be okay.
Talmage Thayne:Ah, dude, yeah, that's good, and was it no?
Connor Benich:Yeah, no, it was not. This is the part where we jump into like getting home. Yeah, let's say, you get home.
Talmage Thayne:You could start as early as you want, like you're coming down the escalator, if that's where your story starts, or you're like home a couple months and you realize this is not what I signed up for yeah, so it was, sadly, it was pretty quick.
Connor Benich:Um, I got home and well, like, I got off the plane and I walked down that corridor at the time and I looked for my family and you know they were all there. My whole, almost my whole family was there and you know, like none of the friends who told me they were gonna be there were, were there. Gosh dang, it was kind of it was a little disheartening, yeah, but I was very happy to be home. I was. I was so sure that I had done everything I needed to and things were going to work out.
Connor Benich:Um, and so, my goodness, it was just the most surreal feeling driving home down I-15 back to Lehigh, yeah, and seeing how much had changed. Yeah, like I remember like having the thought to myself, like my home is gone, like, oh, everything I was like familiar with, everything that I knew to be good and familiar about home, was gone, lost to the winds of time. And, uh, another couple things that happened was like, well, that night, I remember it was either that night or the next night, but I had this existential dread like I have no purpose. Like you, I went from being on the mission to knowing what I was supposed to do, knowing my ultimate goal, to being home and feeling that I had no purpose.
Connor Benich:And it was like it wasn't that, like a, I felt the spirit withdraw from me, but in that moment I was aware that something was missing. Like it's like when you're I don't know when you're like reorganizing your room or your car and you suddenly realize, like I don't know where my keys are, or I don't know where this is, where's my favorite shirt, or something like that. It's just, it's gone. You don't know where it is Yeah's my favorite shirt, or something like that. It's just gone. You don't know where it is.
Talmage Thayne:But on a much larger scale.
Connor Benich:Much larger scale. Flip, my life is yeah yeah, it's like cleaning up my metaphysical room and my purpose had gone missing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scary. Very, very. But in that moment I was like you know, I've, and especially when you come home Sorry to interrupt.
Talmage Thayne:No, when you come home and you're looking for your friends who have probably had some of them already been on missions and come home, or Some, yeah Some of them had gone come home already.
Connor Benich:Some of them had just kind of stayed behind.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, mission wasn't for them things like that, but like just to have that sense of like familiarity, or somebody that's kind of gone through this before to like help guide you, like to not have them there as well, in this moment when you feel like your home is gone yeah, my, my is gone and my friends are nowhere to be seen. Holy crap, yeah, it's a lonely feeling.
Connor Benich:It was tough, especially because another thing is that, like I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. You know, like so many people like knew what they wanted to do. Like I want to be a doctor, I want to be a lawyer, I want to be XYZ all this cool stuff. I all this cool stuff. I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know, like I I thought I was gonna get into film again when I got home, yeah, and that wound up not taking place, but it was. It was still like I didn't know, and the one thing that I did know was suddenly missing, and so I I was panicking at first, but I held on to that thought.
Connor Benich:That's like you know, god carried through, not carried, but he guided me through my mission. He can guide me through this, and where things start to be, start to go horribly wrong is, unfortunately, with a girl. It happens, it does. It's the worst, yeah, it's so. It's so wild to me. Looking back, I cringe a little bit just because of the way that this is how it played out, but my mom had told me about this girl like a couple months before I got home and I was like, okay, yeah, cool, so I'm going to talk to you. When I get home and I got released, I go downstairs, I change into civilian clothes, I come upstairs and she's in my living room. What the yeah?
Talmage Thayne:Did you know she was going to be there?
Connor Benich:Yeah, my mom told me that like, oh yeah, she's like on the way home she's going, oh yeah, she's going to be here today. I was like cool Cool.
Talmage Thayne:What for?
Connor Benich:Just to like meet you Well, apparently she'd like my neighbors were her like aunt and uncle, and she'd been coming to my ward intermittently for years and knew of me. I had never seen this girl, never met her, but apparently she knew of me Big fan, big fan apparently.
Connor Benich:So I was just like yeah, and got to know her and like, talking on, talking on my couch, like things clicked like pretty quickly, pretty well um, exchanged information, went on a date the next week, nice, um, and we were meeting under the guise of like this is where it gets worse is that she was about to leave on a mission to the Nashville mission. Oh, the mission.
Connor Benich:I just left, yeah. So, oh, flip, I was like, yeah, yeah, I can see where this is going, exactly so, and it's not good, yeah. So we got very close, yeah, very, very close, mm-hmm. So we got very close, very, very close, and the unfortunate thing is that I started to buy into this idea that we would wind up together.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, because you're going to the same mission. You guys both like each other. It's all coming together. It's like God's blessing you.
Connor Benich:That's literally the thought process. It was like why would it be so easy if God had not like lined that up you?
Connor Benich:know, so, like, of course, I'm feeding into this idea that, like, god's taking care of me, that he's like this is, this is, this was his will. And I even went to the temple over it and was like, hey, I'm just making sure, like, is she someone that someone that like, is she the one, like, should I be investing into this? And what I felt he told me was, um, hang on, like hold on to this relationship because it's going to be significant to you for a really really long time. Wound up being right, but not in the way that I had hoped, so I so we go really really close.
Connor Benich:She was actually the first girl I kissed, which is like worse for the situation. Oh dang, nothing about this was good and young Connor was dumb he was dumb, I hate that kid. Oh dang, it's like nothing about this was good and young Connor was dumb, he was dumb, I hate that kid, we all go through it, we all have cringey things, yeah, so I need to forgive him the fact that we're both early adopters of TikTok kind of show.
Talmage Thayne:We're kind of cringey. Yeah, exactly, and that's okay. Cringe, that's okay, we're cringe cringy yeah, exactly. And that's okay.
Connor Benich:Cringe, that's okay. We're cringe, that's okay. I will never. It's like the Wreck-It Ralph speech. Oh yeah, what does he say? He says I am bad and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. I am cringe and that's okay, I will never be okay, and that's not cringe, that's good.
Talmage Thayne:Someone put that in vinyl on the back of someone's minivan. That is perfect, oh my gosh.
Connor Benich:Yeah, back to the story. Um, so, like I said, got very invested into her. I was like telling all my mission friends like not that I thought we were gonna be together, but I told them like hey, this sister is coming to the mission, like she's great, take care of her, like she's going to be awesome. Um, like out of like a genuine position of care in my heart, regardless of like, um, how I thought things were going to work out, I was trying to be a friend and be respectful to, yeah, she's about to go on a mission, so I'm not gonna be someone who is like trying to hold her back yeah totally, um, and then she leaves on the mission and I wrote her every week trying to like be supportive, like sending scriptures that stood out to me.
Connor Benich:Um, I heard nothing for a while. Yep, so then I think it was either three yes, it was three weeks, three weeks go by, I remember I was, I remember where I was, I think I took a picture of where I was, I was at uvu, I was working on a computer, on a project, and I get this email from her, finally, finally hearing from her after so long, and she basically tells me to the effect like hey, all of the things that I said about you, all the things that we said about each other, I didn't mean any of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So that hurts. Oh man, it stung, it stung bad.
Connor Benich:And I remember just sitting there and I kind of went hmm, like just processing this, like I wasn't mad, I wasn't sad, I wasn't upset. Yet I was just processing this and I realized that I had been taken advantage of and like I had been more vulnerable to her, more open to her than I had anyone else in my life, cause I felt, both from her and from God, that that was something that I could do, and so I mean, still part of the blame is on me, but I remember like trying to process that, but I was like I was dead. I think what this was. I dealt with depression for a long time in my life, like pretty much ever since I was in middle school, but this was one of the worst times since my mission and it lasted a long time. I was emotionally dead. I was crushed. I felt so empty.
Connor Benich:it was just pain and I for like for a couple months, like I tried going to the temple looking for some comfort. I would go to church, I would do all these things. I did everything I knew possible to try to get some sort of comfort and felt nothing. It's like talking into a walkie-talkie and then hearing nothing come back. It was.
Talmage Thayne:You're in a war zone. Yeah, you're calling in for aid and no one's coming.
Connor Benich:No, one's there. No sign of no sign of rescue.
Talmage Thayne:Did she? Did she give any explanation, did she? I feel I'm feeling unsatisfied because it's like you guys had such a great time and then she just ghosted you for a bit and then was like hey, just so you know, like I do not care about you.
Connor Benich:I honestly, like I was so upset over it when, you know, feelings started to come back. I was so upset that I deleted her email. Well, I still have that email, but I made sure that I never received any of her like updates. Yeah, I blocked her on every social media that I could like. I was just like so damaged and hurt over you know, basically the lack of an answer and lack of reason that I was like I don't want to ever see you again and I don't want to hear about you. But unfortunately, you know how it is she haunted my thoughts forever. But, yeah, there was no, no, nothing. She just said I said a lot of things that I didn't mean and she left it at that. Dang, yeah, it was tough.
Talmage Thayne:That is tough yeah.
Connor Benich:Man. The only thing, the only thing tougher than that was like I was, like I said, I was desperately looking for some comfort, for some answers, answers. I tried talking to old seminary teachers like, hey, I'm feeling this way right now. Um, what do I do? Like tried reaching out to some old mentors, like trying to find some sense of comfort.
Connor Benich:The worst thing about all of this is I remember going to the temple and being in the celestial room looking for comfort and feeling nothing but rage. Like I was angry, angrier than when I had walked into the temple and that's all I felt. And I drove home and I screamed in the car like the most primal rage-filled scream, just as long as I could hold it. And that's just, unfortunately, that's just how life was for a really long time. Like I had a hard time trusting people. I didn't trust God whatsoever, I was mad at him and so, like I remember, months later I'd moved down into my own apartment.
Connor Benich:Things hadn't gotten any better. The bishop was no help and I basically left Sunday school because I was feeling that angry feeling again. I cried in an empty classroom because I felt so abandoned and so alone and I was like, why am I coming here If I feel nothing? Why am I following these commandments I've been given If I am just being dropped off like I served so well for two years and this is this is what it is, so I've? I was understandably angry, and that's just how it was for like four years. Like can you imagine being like going from the closest, most spiritual experience of your life for two years and then for double that time, radio silence, yeah, nothing, yeah.
Talmage Thayne:So Nothing, yeah. So, oh, dude, this is striking a chord with me, because a lot of what you're saying it's like you're sharing my story in a lot of ways. Really Not exactly, but like that radio silence that you're talking about is like that's hard, yeah, and then you're still trying to do the right things. The fact that you were still in church at Sunday school and you're feeling that rage, it's like you're desperately clinging to something that used to be familiar but now just seems like miles away it's.
Talmage Thayne:And then and then. For me, a lot of times I was still going to church just because just to keep up appearances. Yeah, it wasn't because I felt like it would do anything for me. And for me it was more like I felt like the gospel didn't apply to me, but all these other people it's good. If anybody attacks the gospel, I would get defensive.
Connor Benich:I'm like no, it's good for everybody but me and so, yeah, that's kind of how I was, like I kind of other than like the keeping up with the parents is like I got to a point, um, where it was like at some point I was like I hate wasting time and if being here is not going to be of any benefit to me or anyone else, I'm not going to come. Yeah, um, there's a I think there's a. There's a song by 21 pilots. The lead singer is actually he's christian and so he'll intermingle like allegories and, uh, references to his faith. That's sick. Yeah, there's a.
Connor Benich:There's a song called addict with a pen, and the song opens up with a chorus and if you listen to it, he's literally talking to god and he says hello, we haven't talked in quite some time. I know I haven't been the best of sons. Um, I'm traveling through the deserts of my mind. I haven't found a drop of water. And he continues in the song. He says I try desperately to run through the sand as I hold the water in the palm of my hand. It's all that I have, it's all that I need. The water isn't just water, it's. It's the gospel, it's feeling close to God, it's some sort of relief in this painful world. He continues and says like he tries his best and all he can to hold tightly onto what's left in his hand. No matter how tightly he will strain, sand slows him down, water's drain. That's the whole.
Connor Benich:That's like the main idea and message of the song, and that's how I felt. I was in the desert of life. I was starved, I was dehydrated and the one thing that I knew to be correct and good was slipping away until it felt like I had nothing left. Yeah, so that's kind of how it was for a really long time. And what changed? Well, funny enough, ironically, it was another girl. Hey, yeah, um, so I did from bitter to sweet, from bitter, well, kind of, um, bitter to bitter no, no, no, it was bitter to sweet, but it like this this girl was like so fast forward, fast forward, a couple of years, um, still like pretty.
Connor Benich:What year was that? This was 20. I got home in 2018. This was 2020. Uh, it was like December 2022, january 2023. Okay, um, when this all took place, you know, years go by feeling dead, feeling you 2023. Okay, when this all took place, you know, years go by feeling dead, feeling you know whatever, I'll do whatever about the gospel. And actually, quick backtrack, like it's interesting because I could have fallen away from the church, right, I could have completely denied the gospel, but the experiences I had on my mission I couldn't deny and that's something I held on to is ironically enough, and another 21 pilot song kind of illustrates that called holding on to you. And in the song he talks about, you know, like holding on to something that keeps alive, keeps you in reality, keeps you from literally and metaphorically dying, and you know he once again is talking about God in there. And that was my thing is, I was holding onto those experiences that I had.
Connor Benich:I it was a mutual date and I was already like, yeah, mutual mutual dating period, um, and so went on a date with this girl and she was the exact opposite of what I was. I was spiritually dead. And she loved the gospel so much that even talking about it would get her to start crying, like it was. Like what a sweetheart. Yeah, it's like you have not been graced by the cruelties of this world.
Connor Benich:You have not been jaded yeah, yes, um, but she was nice and so we went out with I went out with her and as I was taking her home, like she actually initiated a DTR On a first date, on a first date, on a first date Dang, and I was just kind of like, all right, we're doing this. But part of me was kind of open to her because I was getting an impression that she genuinely cared. Yeah, she was coming from a good place in her heart and one of the things she told me is like I love the gospel. Um, jesus christ is the most important person to me in the world and you got to make sure that you're on on board with that too. Like that you're in the same way. And I was completely honest with her. I was like, yeah, I really respect that. I'm gonna be honest, I don't feel the same. It's like.
Connor Benich:And I kind of gave her the short version where I was like I've I had some experiences when I got home from my mission, like I felt abandoned from God, like that, and I just me and him are not on great terms right now. It's like I'm not denying he's there, but we don't like each other at this moment. And she made me her project. Like I am going to help you, I'm going to get you to feel close to God again, you're going to rebuild your testimony. And she dragged me to the Christmas devotional, okay, and so like we went and we listened to it. They said some great things. I don't remember a word of it. But she was like on the drive home she was like so what, how did you feel? And I was just like it was nice. Again, I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't feel like a big spiritual moment where I suddenly felt God embraced me again and that kind of made her upset. What are you talking about? I think she genuinely did get kind of mad at me.
Talmage Thayne:Was she like you're not trying? Was that her thing? I?
Connor Benich:just don't think she understood that. You know, for me, for someone like me, it was not so easy to just suddenly feel close to God again. Yeah, after so many years of just nothing. So like we were going back and forth and just kind of like she was getting starting to get upset. But one thing that she told me is like I think you just need to have a really honest conversation with God, like just be very, very honest with him. And so I was like, okay, sure, that sounds like doesn't sound like a bad idea. And a couple weeks go by I don't remember if it was before or after, um, I don't remember if it was before or after, but uh well, a couple of weeks had gone by, either at this point or before. Somewhat soon we kind of called things off cause we weren't like on the same level. Um, but this conversation she had stuck with me. I was driving home from Heber through Provo Canyon and I just had this thought where it was was like I just remembered like what she says, like you need to have an honest conversation with god. And so I was like honest, here we go, yeah, and so I I opened the prayer, just like this word for word, censored for the sake of the podcast is. It's a PG, pg-13 podcast.
Connor Benich:I opened up the prayer with hey God, what the freak. And it was just like everything that I had held in, whether consciously or not, had suddenly opened up and I just yelled at this dude, this celestial being the all-powerful overlord of the universe. I yelled at him for 30 minutes straight and I was like I've been dealing with this. I gave you this. Come on, man, like I'm really looking for something. Throw me a freaking bone here. Like I need this. I need something like if you want me to be one of your chosen people, if you want me to be one of your chosen people, if you want me to be one of your elect, you need to give me something.
Connor Benich:And for the first time in almost five years, I felt a response. I felt him say to me I am so sorry for everything that I have made you go through. Trust me for a little longer and things are going to work out for you. And I don't like, like I said earlier, I've never had like a closeness with God, like I've never felt him reach out to me. But in this moment, when I was more honest with him than I am with anyone else on this planet.
Connor Benich:He, he made himself known and that's when things started to turn around. I started to trust that. I started to talk to bishops again, I started actively going to church. I got a calling, I started going to the temple again and, little by little, leading up to the present day right now, like things have started to improve, like I feel confident in myself, I feel like I have friends who care about me. Truly, I have found purpose again. My career is starting to move forward. Finally, but it's crazy to me, that what it took was being more honest with God than I was being with myself.
Talmage Thayne:Ah, dude thank you for sharing that. Um, I freaking love it. There was one time I was sitting in a group, a men's group, and this one guy we don't name names from the group, but this one guy he was so mad because he had been divorced, his ex-wife wasn't letting him see his kids as much, a lot of things were just going crappy in his life. He was struggling with addiction and a lot of stuff. And I was sitting next to him and then there was an empty chair right next to him on the other side and he like gets up and he just starts screaming and he's just. And he like gets up and he's just starts screaming and he's just like mad, and he's like telling everybody about how crappy his life is and how much of a f up he is, yeah, and he starts slamming the chair right next to him. He's like f you god, and I'm like flip I'm like sitting over there, I'm like sitting over there.
Talmage Thayne:I'm like I'm feeling uncomfortable, I'm feeling weird. And then, as the meeting progressed, he's like yelling. And I like look at the moderator, the guy who's running the meeting, and he's just sitting there like, just like folding his arms and like just nodding. I'm like are you not going to like is this is am I the only one that feels weird? But what this therapist knew is that he needed to go through this.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, he, if anybody can take your anger, it's God. Yeah, um, and afterwards he just started like crying and then we all like stood up and we gave each other hugs at the end and we're all crying at this point and we were able to talk through things and it was the most connecting experience to see this guy be so honest, yeah, and then see like the therapist almost kind of being a proxy for God being so patient and then and then it all turns around to be a really good thing and we all feel really connected to him and he feels our love and support and yeah, it was just such a great experience and so your story reminded me of that and and it's not an easy story to tell so I I really appreciate you, yeah sharing that um, there was something else I wanted to ask you about.
Talmage Thayne:Um, you've recently gone viral again yeah, yeah I did do that, and it's a conversation that every I don't know a lot of people are having right now about dating. Yeah. Could you tell us about that video where you went viral, kind of your thoughts on it, and then we can just kind of talk about it a bit?
Connor Benich:Yeah, so I think so. Basically, the premise of the video is, like you said, a conversation that happens all the time. It's conversation my mom would ask me through that whole five-year period um, I was like, why are you still single? And it was actually funny because I had been asked that question like a couple times a week right up until that point, for like three weeks. And so I was like, and the funny thing is, I had given a different answer every single time. And so this video is.
Connor Benich:It opens up with a voice asking, like Connor, why are you still single, single? And I start listing every possible reason that I could think of or had thought of. Um, start off with like I can't tell the difference between flirting and being nice. Yeah, um, I don't like people. Dating stresses me out. Um, and all of these, all of these different reasons, um, that I had either felt at one point was true in my life or still did.
Connor Benich:Um, I think most of them were my rationales at the time. It was like all of this, like this is why this is this reason, all of this is the reason I'm undateable and I made it as a joke. But then, like, hundreds of thousands of likes thousands of comments later of just like women too, but like men, just like like he's in my head and like why did he list every single reason why I'm single too? Are we the same person? Things like that, and it was just. It was crazy. Yeah, it's like it put it into perspective for me that something that felt so unique to me actually wound up being such a shared experience among so many people.
Talmage Thayne:Oh man, it's crazy, because I saw that video and then I saw it come up again on my For you page. Yeah.
Talmage Thayne:Twice in a row. And the second time it come up again on my For you page yeah, twice in a row, and the second time it had like millions of views I was like holy crap, yeah. And then you made a couple follow-up videos to that as well, and it is something people feel nowadays is just this loneliness. Maybe it's the whole social media thing where we're not social, it's all consumption and we feel like I don't know, we get in our own heads and then we don't date and then we feel just very lonely. But it's so widespread and it's just sad. It's very sad to like, like, see those thoughts because I'm like I've been there, yeah, where I'm like I'm unlovable, like undateable, but also just unlovable, yeah, in a romantic way, like my parents love me yeah, it was like everyone has people that love them, like friends, family, things like that.
Connor Benich:But it feels hard when that intimate, that truly like being open and having someone being open to you when it's lacking. And I think and it's something that I've, I think I've had a lot of experience with you know, because when I had that experience with that girl so many years've, I think I've had a lot of experience with you know, because when I had that experience with that girl so many years ago, I found ways to justify like, why, like, why, why didn't she want me?
Connor Benich:And so I started looking for reasons like why am I the worst? Why am I like all of this? And I think like the biggest underlying problem that we all have I snuck it into the video is the line that I hate myself more than someone could love me. Yeah, and it's, it's so. It's so hard with because I think when you hate yourself so much, then you block out any love that someone could reach to you. Yeah, you rationalize it. You think that, regardless of what this person tells me, I'm not gonna believe it yeah because I know all of this about me but they don't know that.
Connor Benich:So I really am undateable and I hate myself for that. I think the biggest turnaround is finding reasons to love yourself, because that really starts to help you find validation and meaning outside of a relationship. Yeah, I think that's a lot. Something a lot of us struggle with is, especially here in utah, is that if you are not dating or if you're single, then you suddenly have no value. You have nothing to offer anybody. Um, and it's just, that's just not true. Yeah, when Flat out lie, exactly when you start to acknowledge things that make you a wonderful person, then you start to. That opens up not just your ability to feel love from others, but also from God, I think. Yeah.
Connor Benich:I think I mean like, for example, like I'm a, I'm a, I'm a cheer coach, I'm a tumbling coach and tumbling director and I've had so many experiences in the last two or three years of this job where, like these kids have, like they just light up and like, in one way or another, they let me know that I've helped them feel at home or helped them feel good about themselves and you know, I could kind of dismiss that it's like oh, that's whatever, but at the same time, like that is something that I've been given the ability to do and on some level, that has added value to someone else's life and my own. Yeah, and finding validation with that really has helped me see, like, to some degree, to some level, I do deserve love, I deserve to love myself because I make other people, other people, feel important, I help them feel okay. And I think that's really our first step is to finding ways to love ourselves, see the validation within ourselves that can really kind of help cure this pandemic of loneliness that we're experiencing.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, I love that. And it's challenging your thoughts, because this is something I'm actually working on right now challenging your thoughts that keep you in a very like suffering state of mind. Very much the fact that it's like I'm unlovable. How does that make you feel? Does it make you feel powerful and like you're able to conquer the world? No, it makes you feel like you're just suffering, yeah, and then when you challenge it, you have to be like, okay, these are the circumstances. This is why I've been telling this to myself for years. Now, here's all the evidences that I've found and even if they're not true, but she didn't give me an answer, so I'm just going gonna fill in the blanks yeah these are the things I've been telling myself for years.
Talmage Thayne:I need to acknowledge that this is not helping me in any way and that it's just a flat out lie. Yeah, um, because you are lovable, and then, and then the next step is finding the opposite, like, why am I lovable? And then looking for evidence that supports that. Yeah, and for you, it's like doing this, coaching, helping these kids light up and and that they know that they can come to you for um to feel at home, to feel like they can improve and become a better version of themselves. Um, and that's just such a great evidence. Um, do you know alex harmosi?
Talmage Thayne:no he's a he's kind of a business guru, but he talks about self-confidence, um, and I think he has this right, but, like I would tweak it a little bit. But he says confidence isn't gained by looking in the mirror. Is confidence isn't gained by looking in the mirror and repeating affirmations to yourself every day. It's by building a stack of evidences that prove that you are who you say you are. And while I think that's right, I do think that challenging those negative thoughts is another component to it.
Connor Benich:I agree, I think that was those negative thoughts is another component to it. I agree, I think that was my biggest, because I had I dealt with that for a really long time. Is is being in that valley of self-doubt is that was it. Of course it wasn't happy, it was miserable, but it was the only thing that was familiar and I think that's what people really struggle with when trying to find validation with themselves. You're trying to find their way to battle and beat depression. You do have to go out into unfamiliar territory. Feeling happy feels weird. Feeling proud of yourself feels weird. But these are things that you know. They're uncomfortable at first, but learning to get comfortable with them because otherwise you just kind of sit in this place of self-hatred, self-doubt, self-loathing, things like that, and you just stay there because it's the only thing that's familiar. If you want things to improve, you have to find things within yourself to shift that paradigm.
Talmage Thayne:Yeah, dude, I love it. Well, I know you got to get going, but I really appreciate you coming on the podcast and sharing your story. Is there anything, any last words you would have, or story or something you just tell these return missionaries coming home?
Connor Benich:I think what I would say is hold on to what you know, because when you come home from a mission, you're in a different world, in the same way that I was in a different world when I came home, like I said, my home was gone and the only things that I could rely on were the things that I knew to be true, like, even, like I said, during that whole five-year stint where I felt like God wasn't there, like he wasn't listening to me, he didn't care. I still could not deny that he was there and I could not deny the gospel, because I held on to those things that I knew I had experienced, that I knew were true. And in the gospel it's so easy to make things so complicated, so the best thing you can do is keep it simple for you In these times of survival that you're experiencing hold on to what you know, don't worry about anything extra, do what you know, and that will carry you to the next step and the next step and then eventually, eventually, you will get to that brighter spot. You know. Another song says path through heaven leads through miles of clouded hell.
Connor Benich:Dang Is that 21 Pilots? Miles of clouded hell? Dang Is that 21 Pilots, that's actually Imagine Dragons. Hey, very overlooked line Dang that's good.
Connor Benich:All you can do when you're going through that mist of darkness, through those miles of hell, is just take your next step. If you can just focus on the next step, eventually you are going to see the sunlight again. Like the sun will rise. You just keep trying again yeah, I love it, man.
Talmage Thayne:Well, thanks for coming on thanks for having me.
Connor Benich:Yeah, it's been a pleasure and an honor to be here. Hey guys, thank you so much for listening to that episode with Connor.
Talmage Thayne:He is awesome. I really appreciate his honesty, not just his honesty with us, but his honesty with God. That was a really big takeaway from this podcast is having a really honest conversation with God. I think if we all did that, didn't hold back. Talk to God about exactly what we're feeling. Ask him the hard questions. Don't worry, he can handle it. He can explain himself. He'll explain himself better than anybody else can. I think if we do that, we will notice an improved relationship with God in our lives. It was also good talking to him about dating.
Talmage Thayne:Dating's rough. It's a topic of discussion and for all of you guys that didn't have dates this last Valentine's Day, I'm sorry For those of you who did good job. You found somebody that loves you. Again, guys, thank you so much for listening. If you guys would please rate and subscribe to the podcast, leave a review. It helps out a ton With the ratings. I'm trying to break out of the double digits and get into the triple digits and so if you guys would please go rate, subscribe and review the podcast and remember God is good and is planning on your success and even though you've been released from your mission, you've not been released from your ministry.
