Why I Married A Porn Addict | Mary Thayne

In this episode (Sz4 Ep5), Talmage sits down with his wife, Mary Thayne, for a vulnerable and inspiring conversation. Taken from a larger interview, this segment explores why Mary chose to move forward in their relationship, even knowing about Talmage’s past struggles with pornography. Together, they discuss how faith, family support, and honest communication shaped their journey through addiction and recovery. Mary shares her powerful insights, addressing doubt, resilience, and the healing power of Christ.

This is the first time Mary and Talmage open up together about addiction, recovery, and faith—offering hope, perspective, and concrete advice for anyone navigating similar challenges.

Timestamps:

00:00 Doubt, Frustration, and Light
 04:48 "Asking for Roses"
 07:30 Faith, Family, and Resilience
 11:33 "Challenges Strengthen Relationships"
 14:27 "Misjudging Porn Through Ignorance"
 18:56 Hope and Healing Through Christ
 20:48 "Growth Through Imperfection"
 24:56 Healing, Perspective, Faith, and Recovery

Talmage/Released’s Links:
https://www.instagram.com/talmagethayne/
https://www.instagram.com/released_thepodcast/
https://www.youtube.com/@talmagethayne21
https://www.tiktok.com/@talmagethayne

Remember, God is good and is planning on your success. And though you've been released from your mission, you haven't been released from your ministry.

Transcript

0:00

And I was a little bit frustrated at you because, like, this kept happening, and I felt like our relationship kept getting interrupted. The Dark side of Talmage came out, and I was like, I don't like that version of him. A flower unplucked is left to the falling, and nothing is gained by not gathering roses. And you said to me, just because it's going to be hard doesn't mean it won't be great. We've never yelled at each other maybe. Once or twice, but it was always ended quickly. I don't remember remember anything. Elephant in the room. She's pregnant. Excuse me. Hey, guys. Welcome to another episode of Released. In this episode, I got to have my wife on. It was awesome. We ended up talking for over three hours, but. But we're only gonna be using, like, 20ish minutes of this because we had some technical difficulties. But we also think we should just put one thing out at a time. This is a very vulnerable thing. As you guys can see in the title. It says why I chose to marry a porn addict. And so it's a sensitive topic, but my wife is so strong and brave, and I. I've talked about it pretty openly in the past, even on the Internet, which is very scary. But my wife was like, hey, I would love to. I'd love to help. I know that there are women out there that are dating really great guys, but those guys struggle with this. And so I'd love to share part of my story and maybe talk about it and see how we can help. And so I really appreciate her coming on. We're going to be talking about what her mental space was when she was going into this relationship and when I was telling her everything. What was her reaction? And why did she end up wanting to move forward? We also talk about some of the advice that she got from loved ones. Anyway, I'm super grateful to Mary for coming on and let's not delay this anymore. Let's just get into it. Yeah, but that's. That's advice I would give to someone in a relationship with addiction is don't count the relapses, don't measure their success, and don't keep score because it's more about their emotional state. Like, how are they doing? How are they feeling? Like, what is stressing them right now? Or what is. What pressures do they have in their life? You know, consider those more like qualitative measurements. Because for me, at first I was like. And I feel like when we were dating, the frequency was a little bit high. You know, if you were to count. I mean, I don't know how many it was, but it was like kind of often. And like I said it was good for us because we got lots of experience and practice and yeah, we got through stuff together, but it was starting to make me doubt. And I was sitting in the car with my parents and. And he told me that advice, my dad. And I was starting to think, like, this is, is this gonna be like really hard? Is this gonna be too manage, too unmanageable? You know, And I was a little bit frustrated at you because like, this kept happening and I felt like our relationship kept getting interrupted and you know, the dark side of Talmadge came out and I was like, I don't like that version of him. Like, I want the light that I usually see in your eyes. And anyways, you met us because you were gonna pick me up for another date and so you met us at the parking lot and we ended up having an awesome date that night in Park City. So fun. Yeah, that nice Italian restaurant. Yeah, I loved that Italian. We like splurged a little bit. Yeah, we did. And we like took a selfie with a mousse with lipstick on. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah. And you like gave me a rose. I think you stole a rose from the restaurant. Oh yeah, I did. Yeah. Cuz they like put out fresh roses on every table and I'm like, I'm taking this. Yeah. Like it's just going to die. It's just going to die. Which reminds me, I. I have a poem book by Robert Frost. And Robert Frost is an early American poet. Amazing poetry. He's the one that wrote like two roads diverged in the yellow wood and the mending fence. Another popular one. Yeah, but he has one that's called Asking for Roses. And this couple, basically they're walking down this path and they, they see this old abandoned house. And it's been abandoned for a while, but it's, it's still like a beautiful structure. And there's roses in the yard. And the girl like pretends to like go up to the door. She's like, excuse me, who's the master of this house? Like, can I, can I have some roses? And they're like kind of like make believe, doing this make believe scenario. It's abandoned. And so they're like pretending like someone's there and they're asking for roses. And it's just like this cute, kind of flirtatious like scene between these two. And in the end they like pick some roses and Everything. And he says, a. A flower unplucked is left to the falling, and nothing is gained by not gathering roses. And I loved that. I loved that. I'm like, this flower is going to die anyway. Yeah. We're having a great time. Let's. Let's gather this rose for. For us and for tonight. Yeah. Like, might as well. And enjoy the flower. Yeah. I'm not condoning stealing, but. But if there's anything you're going to steal. Yeah. A rose that's already been cut at your table. At your table. Yeah. You should be good. If anything, it was romantic and I had a good time. Good. But, yeah, I remember that day. I remember your parents being so. Like, I saw them with you, and I'm like, oh, man. I don't want them to see me this way. But they were, like, just so loving and kind and, like, a little more, like, gentle with me. Like, more than usual. I'm like, you guys have never been this warm. Their eyes are a little doughy. Yeah, buddy. How you doing? You okay? I think another thing that made our relationship possible was my parents. My parents were really helpful in navigating this process with. Between us because they've had experiences of their own that were similar, and they understood our situation like no one else would. So I almost felt like you and I were, like, really set up for success. Like, we had this awesome community. Like, your dad's a therapist. My dad's a therapist. And you have a great, supportive, loving family that's always been through with you through your hard times. And my parents have had experience that. That gives them insight and, like, enables them to support us. And you have a testimony of the atonement, and you never gave up on that. You, like, you told me about how even when you were at your lowest point, you still believed in God and you knew he was there, and you believed in the atonement for other people, but you didn't necessarily believe that it applied to you. But that was so essential, because I remember telling my sister one time about, like, she was kind of comforting me and, you know, helping me understand how to go forward and how to navigate all our feelings and stuff. And I said to her, I believe in the atonement, and I believe in talmage. I know that nobody is too far gone. And it's not that I'm like. I'm not trying to pat myself on the back and say, like, oh, I'm such a hero, because I. No, I believed in this man, you know, but it's just, like, I Truly believe that repentance is real. Like, you made changes and you put in the work, and you did it faithfully. Like, you believed in. In the Savior the whole time. Like, you knew that you couldn't get through without him. And if you want to hear more about Talmage's story, then listen to his first episode, because that goes more into your. Like, your past and your personal experiences. But from my perspective, I just knew that you had light in your eyes. That's a sign of. Of a repentant heart. And I was so impressed about how humble you are, and I just saw so many qualities in you that made this problem seem manageable. Like. And like I said, we. Like, we've had our. Our doubts and our times and our things and. And another time we were on my doorstep, and you were. I love that you just know the story, I'm gonna say, but you were dropping me off, and we were at my doorstep, saying goodbye, and I was feeling kind of down and uncertain about our relationship. I was feeling a little bit doubtful because, you know, the more we dated, the more serious we became and the more weight I had on my shoulders to decide, like, do I continue dating this man? And. And this was one of the moments where I had to not be the one healing, but be the one to help and support and console. Because it's your turn. Yeah. To. To heal. Yeah. Or focus on yourself or whatever turmoil your mind is going through. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I had to kind of figure things out, too, So I think I was just looking at you sad. I just don't know what the future holds. A little bit scared. And I was just really coming to terms with, this is going to be hard. And you said to me, just because it's going to be hard doesn't mean it won't be great. And that, like, changed my life because it was so true. Like, hard things are very rewarding. And even just in those few experiences we had dating, like, we. We overcame them together, and we. Even in marriage, we had a few moments like that, you know, and every day is another day, so we just keep moving forward and. And the more experience we got, the more we learned how to handle things and how to react and when space was necessary and when it wasn't. And. Yeah, that was. But when you said that to me, it gave me a lot of hope. Like. And I would say our relationship is great. Yeah, it is. It's so good. We have a wonderful marriage. Like, we do. I just want everyone listening to know that. Like, marriage is fun. Don't listen to the people that just say, like, oh, yeah, you're getting married. And it's. It's so important to consider every factor during dating. Like, you know, make sure, first of all, that you're compatible. Second of all, that you like each other and that you enjoy each other's company. But, like, all those boxes were checked, and I just had to decide, like, am I. Is this. Like, am I willing to step into a relationship where. Where addiction is present? You know? And it's, like, tricky to explain because it fluctuates. It's not just like, Talmage, you know, Talmage is in addiction or, like, he's doing great. You know what I mean? It's just like, you're just you. Cody is me, bro. Let me just be me. Yeah. I'm just kidding. But anyways. Yeah. It's like, it's not like. And that's a huge thing also that I would say to someone considering, you know, or in a relationship with someone in addiction is like, don't label them as, like, marked by the black spot. Like, you know, you are an addict and you always will be. You know, like, don't think like that. Like, yes, I'd love. Be like the Wemix and you are special. Yes. But putting the dots on. Yeah, putting the dots on each other. Don't be like that. Don't be like them. Because I think that's kind of how maybe even I used to. That I used to view it is like. Because first of all, when you're unfamiliar like that. That one girl you dated that was just kind of too naive to understand, she probably saw it that way. Like, she, like, brought up Ted Bundy and was like, well, Ted Bundy watched porn. So anyone watching porn is evil. Is evil, probably. And dangerous as well as I've never. Met anybody that's looked at porn. Yeah, you're like, you just didn't know. I'm sorry. But probably, like, 90%. 90%. Yeah, probably. Probably higher. Yeah. I've, like, watched porn. Yeah. Willingly. Yeah. So. And, like, you just have to accept that and understand that it doesn't ruin someone. Yeah. Like, someone is not ruined because they have seen porn. And, like, that doesn't mean that they are discarded from your dating pool, you know? Like, I would not recommend dating someone that won't admit they have a problem if they do. Yeah. And I am the first one to say, like, don't. Like, this is a very serious thing that you should consider. Yeah. It's not something that you shouldn't be a Hero and like, oh, I can save him. Yeah. Where I can save her. It's not, it's, it's not like that. It's like you have to have like a witness from God that this is the right path for you if you know this kind of stuff. Yeah. But also don't let them live in their sin. You know, like, don't condone it. Don't condone it. Don't. Don't minimize it. Don't be like, oh well, it wasn't that bad. Yeah. It was just. It wasn't that hardcore of porn. It's like. Yeah. Cuz some people don't believe it's a problem. Yeah. Or that it's a bad thing. Even, even members of the church, some of them are like, oh, it's not that bad. Or. And if they don't. And if they think like porn is bagged bad. Some, some people even think they're like, oh yeah, like masturbation is a good thing actually. Yeah. And it's like it's the second best, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But like they, they think it's not that it's just like a lesser of two evils, but that it's fine and even good. But which I can tell you it's not. It's not. Yeah. It might be, might be great in the moment. Yeah. But afterwards like you, you don't feel happy about what you did. You're not like, dang, I'm the man. Nobody feels that way. It's like such a second rate citizen kind of thing to do. That's a weird way to say it. It's just like. Are you being your best self? No, you're, you're settling. But yeah. It's been so good and hard, Hard conversations get good at like we're good at fighting. We're really good. Yeah. Yeah. Fighting. We've never actually like fought, fought like angry at each other, yelling. We've never yelled at each other. Maybe once or twice but it was always ended quickly. I don't remember remember anything. Have we ever yelled? Well, we, like we've, we've like raised our voice at each other. Oh, it just like escalates. Have you not remember that? Well, like not like much. It's just like it's not like it ended. It's not like that's the thing. Talk over each. We never let our fights end badly. Like. Yeah. No, we always end our fights. Well. Yeah. Like I think if when you're fighting is like when it lasts longer than ours and, and like someone leaves Angry and slams the door. The thing is, we don't use manipulative tactics when we fight. We're just like, I'm feeling this way and I'm frustrated. Yeah. Like, I don't like it when you do this. Yeah. It's never like you're an idiot. I hate. Yeah, that sounded just like a teenager, but I'm just like, I hate you. Like, it's never like that. Yeah, it's always constructive. And we don't, like, attack each other. Yeah, we don't attack each other. We don't label each other. We don't. And I'm no expert, and I wish I had more, like, concise notes about, you know, what I would recommend, but I just would really say to anybody struggling with addiction, including partners, is see them for who they really are. Like, sometimes, you know, talent would just be off and you wouldn't be yourself. But, like, I knew that wasn't you. And the other super important thing is the atonement of Jesus Christ. Like, you cannot get out of it without changing your heart and wanting to get better. Like, you can dig a really deep hole, but that doesn't mean that you're hopeless. Like, there's always hope. And there's so many analogies about that, you know, like Peter drowning or. Or there's like a story about a ladder and Jesus is at the top or something. And. But I think, you know, or Jonah. Getting swallowed by a whale. Yeah. Like, you get to a low point, but that you're never hopeless. And someone dating another person that has viewed porn needs to understand that, you know, they're not evil. They're not. They're not the black spot. That's what I always think of is like, it's not that he's been marked. Like, I feel like people kind of treat it that way, you know, but yeah, like, they're like, he's just been marked with sin. But once you. When you repent and you change, that washes away. I'm grateful that I met you and with your baggage and all, because no one is perfect and no one has a perfect life or a perfect family or a perfect story, you know, like, we all have challenges, whether they are anywhere on the scale. And no one's untouched by sin and no one's untouched by hardship either. So it's just important to know. Like, I feel like I kind of used to live life with rose colored glasses where I was just, like, I was a little naive and I was just like, yeah, everything's great and beautiful and I don't have to worry about anything. But when you get older, you realize, like, people are just people and they make mistakes, they do stupid stuff. And we have weak moments, or we have a lot of weak moments, but. Our whole life is a week. But yeah, no, it's so true. Jesus is real. Love is real. And if you think you're not worthy for love, you're wrong. But, yeah, that's. That's a little glimpse into why a picky girl married a porn addict. I'm not labeling myself. I'm saying that for the punchline or like, or for the tagline. But our story is so beautiful. Honestly, I. I am so grateful that we have each other. Yeah. And. And I'm going to be bringing on Mary on this podcast more to talk about some things. Something that we want to do as we kind of move forward with this podcast and with other things we're going to be doing is talking more about this, about our relationship, how we've dealt with it, and how other people can, too, and they can have a beautiful, healthy relationship. I never thought I would have this great of a life, but I do. I'm genuinely so happy with my life and completely in love with my wife. And so we talk about all the time about how lucky we are, how lucky we are. It's just been great. And it's just being married to your best friend is the best thing you could ever do. It's tough and she cries a lot, but. But, like, it's so good. Oh. Especially because. Elephant in the room. She's pregnant. Excuse me? Not you, the subject. You are pregnant, if you guys haven't noticed. I haven't noticed. Eight months pregnant with our first baby girl. Yeah. And so we are due December 1st. And. And so, yeah, by the time you're listening to this, we're probably only a couple weeks out. We could be in labor. Yeah. And so we're really excited about that. It's just going to add an entirely new perspective to our lives and topic to talk about. And I am so excited to meet this beautiful little girl, this little princess. And so I really appreciate you guys listening. I. I really appreciate my wife coming on. Yeah. I wanted to bring you on because you're a completely different perspective, but the most, like, important secondary perspective to my recovery story and healing and repentance. And I've had, and this has been a topic that's come up on the channel a lot, like, a lot of people, guys and girls included, have struggled with porn and what is it like for the partner and So I think it's super important that we have you on to share your side. And I. And so, yeah, I really appreciate you guys and just want you to know God is looking out for you. He wants what's best for you. He wants to bless you with an amazing life. And we just got to put our faith in him and see the red flags very much. Consider them, follow God's plan and also look for the best in people. And so with that, remember, God is good and is planning on your success. And though you've been released from your mission, you've not been released from your ministry.