Navigating Adoption: A Father's Tale of Resilience and Love - John Ruffini

Today's episode happens thanks to the power of curiosity, networking, and LinkedIn.  We welcome the talented John Ruffini to the show to tell his amazing story of adopting his three children from Chile.  Not only is John a very talented author, but he is also a co-host of a podcast and the Vice President of Professional Development at HealthTrust Workforce Solutions.  We even talked about some high school basketball as I learned that John used to be a referee while still finding time to cheer on his Maryland Terrapins!

Embarking on an adoption journey can be one of the most amazing yet challenging journies- one that John Ruffini and his family know all too well.   In our conversation, we share a discussion that traverses the emotional terrain of adopting three siblings from South America, a testament to the resilience and love inherent in building a family through unconventional means. John's candid reflections on the hurdles and high points, including the arduous three-year process of bringing his third child home, offer a beacon of hope for those considering a similar path.

John's narrative is more than just an adoption story; it's a journey of personal transformation and the forging of an unbreakable family bond. As he recounts in his amazing book, "A Quest for Alex," the adoption of his children wasn't simply about expanding his family—it was an expedition that demanded perseverance in the face of legal complexities and a celebration of cultural ties. Listeners will find solace and inspiration in John's accounts, from navigating language barriers to fostering a deep sense of identity within his children, emphasizing that the love and lessons learned in parenthood are indeed universal.

As we wrap up, the conversation shifts from the intricacies of adoption to the broader scope of parenting. The episode shines light on the diverse experiences and individual paths our children may take, a humbling reminder of the patience and understanding required to support each of their unique journeys. Whether you're a father, contemplating adoption, or simply drawn to heartening tales of family and endurance, this episode resonates with messages of solidarity and encouragement. 

Join us as we share laughs, impart wisdom, and celebrate the enriching experience of fatherhood in all its forms,

Please don't forget to leave us a review wherever you consume your podcasts! Please help us get more dads to listen weekly and become the ultimate leader of their homes!

Transcript

Speaker 2: 0:03

Hi, I'm Riley and I'm Ryder, and this is my dad show. Hey, everybody, it's Casey Jaycox with the quarterback dad cast, and, as I promised, we do finally have a new and exciting sponsor that's going to be joining us over the next 13 weeks or so, and they it is called the authentic edge podcast, which is going to be launching very, very soon. It is a podcast that is led by the fantastic and successful Jason DeLuca and executive sales and people leader at Dexian, as well as with a Paul DeFrancenzo, who is a global sales leader at indeedcom. This podcast, authentic edge, as I mentioned, is, is launching in the next month and it's really about a journey into the heart and genuine relationships into the workplace. So they're going to talk about uncovering the profound impact that authenticity has on establishing instant trust, fostering long-term partnerships, as well as creating serendipitous connections that evolve into endearing business and personal relationships, which is exactly how I would describe my relationship with Jason and Paul. So, without further ado, let's get right to the next episode, and I hope that you check out the authentic edge wherever you consume your podcasts. Well, hey, everybody, it is Casey Jay Cox with the quarterback dad cast.

Speaker 2: 1:18

We are in season five, continuing this journey of growth as dads. And our next guest is someone I met through the wide world of LinkedIn and someone who is. We have so many connections in common. We actually both spent time at the, the luxurious grounds of K-Force, but we did not. It was like a high five to the locker room never really. He was like the the captain. I was the young freshman, but he was. We passed cross where our paths crossed, but we didn't have a chance to really get to know each other.

Speaker 2: 1:48

Currently, he is the vice president of professional development at Health Trust. He's the co-host of a great podcast called Recruiters With no Limits. He is the author of two books, specifically the latest book called Quest for Alex, which we're going to hear all about, which was a number one bestseller. He's a Maryland Terp. He's a former basketball referee, but, more importantly, we're going to have John on today to talk about John the dad and how he's working hard to become an ultimate quarterback or leader of his household. So, without further ado, mr Ruffini, welcome to the quarterback. Dad cast Casey, thanks for having me man First take. I fumbled a little bit, but we got through it.

Speaker 2: 2:27

It's all good, that's what makes it natural right there we go, All right. So we always start out each episode with gratitude. So tell me, what are you most grateful for as a dad today?

Speaker 1: 2:35

As a dad today. You know I'm grateful it might sound corny, but I'm grateful for the privilege of just being a dad, having the opportunity to be a dad to help do it. You know, I spend my the majority of my life now trying to impact others' lives and I'm grateful that there's three lives in this world that hopefully I'm impacting in a positive way.

Speaker 2: 2:58

Love it. That's why I love asking that question, because it slows us down and it's not corny. I think it's authentic, it's real. That's why every time I do an episode, I do gratitude. I do gratitude every morning, but today what I'm most grateful for is a couple of things. One I told you I played hooky yesterday. So sorry to homeless school district. I pulled my son out of school to play golf with me. How about that? That's on the air.

Speaker 2: 3:27

Secondly, I'm grateful for my daughter and I are going to go watch a kind of an all-star basketball game tonight. She told me about it. One of her she's a sophomore on this team. A couple of her senior teammates have graduated. They're going to be in this little all-star game tonight. She's like little small all-star game in our area. That's awesome, yeah. So it's like anytime you get to be in the gym watching hoops, right, because we're recording in March. This episode will come out in a couple of months, so it's just March madness, and being in the gym, I don't know. It's the best I really enjoy it there.

Speaker 1: 4:00

About a gymnasium, you know, every time I walk in one, it's just the smell, the sounds, yeah.

Speaker 2: 4:06

Well, the best part about the gymnasium is it's always 70 degrees and never rains.

Speaker 1: 4:13

Unlike the golf courses you found out yesterday.

Speaker 2: 4:15

Right, Exactly, I'm glad my, I always joke with my buddies who have kids that played soccer. I'm like God, I'm glad that it's always 70 where I go watch my kid and I'm about you. But that's awesome, Um, well, cool. Well, tell me um, or tell us, bring us inside, uh the Rafini huddle, Talk about each member of the squad, Um, because your, your, uh, your form of fatherhood is is a little unique compared to some of the other dads I've interviewed. I can't wait for you to share the story.

Speaker 1: 4:43

So my wife, my best friend, life partner for 32 years now Congrats, let's go. She is my rock and don't know what I would have been without her. So talk about gratitude every day for her, and we've been through thick and thin. Yeah, I've got three wonderful children. I have a 28-year-old son, a 25-year-old daughter and a 23-year-old daughter, and they are all obviously natural siblings, but not obviously, because they're not genetically ours. They're all adopted, they're from South America, but they all, thankfully and through the grace of God, is how it happened. They're all natural siblings and that's how we built our family.

Speaker 2: 5:27

So cool. I can't wait to learn more about the story and for everybody at home. John and I connected maybe a month ago and I was so curious. I was like I got to stop asking questions. I can't, I'm going to wait, I'm going to hold them because I want to learn more about the story. Well, tell?

Speaker 1: 5:46

Um? Well, tell us what? What little bit about each, each child. What are they up to these days? So, um, my son still lives in Maryland. That's where I grew up and where we live for most of our lives. I've been anchored in South Florida for the last seven years, um, but he still lives in Maryland and he is a solopreneur, has his own landscaping and pressure washing business. Um in uh, up through high school he was quite the lacrosse player, got a chance to play a little bit in college, which was nice. Really enjoyed the sport, Loves hunting, loves being outdoors, and the Eastern Shore of Maryland is perfect for that. So he's up there with his yellow lab, sadie, and they're having a good old time.

Speaker 1: 6:23

My oldest daughter is going to graduate in May and she'll graduate with a degree in graphic design from Central Florida, and my youngest daughter graduated last December from Central Florida and is still in pursuit of being a registered nurse. She's going to enroll in LPN school later this year. They've been the two girls are only 17 months apart and they have grown up ever since, probably midway through their high school years, they've been like twins. They've been inseparable and it's kind of cool because they graduated high school together. The younger one wanted to graduate with her sister, so she got all her state requirements done a year ahead of time and they walked the stage together and then came down to Florida room together, went to school together.

Speaker 1: 7:14

They're still rooming together. We're all joking like what's going to happen when, if and when they go their separate ways. It's going to be like culture shock for them. Um, but you know they're. They're great kids. They all get along really well. As you know, being a dad, it's not always peachy and perfect, but you know they love each other, which which is all you can ask for.

Speaker 2: 7:33

Love it so cool. Before I dive into the journey of adoption, I'd love to learn what was life like for John growing up and talk about the impact your parents had on you now that you're a dad.

Speaker 1: 7:47

Wow, I was incredibly fortunate. So my parents were first generation Italian. They totally, when you talk about you, know what gifts can you give your kids, you know showing them how to love and whether it's tough love or soft love. But they showed us the definition of unconditional love. Um, I feel very fortunate to have grown up in a household, um, with them.

Speaker 1: 8:13

My dad was, uh, he was in world war II and he was a government worker for the department of the Navy for 35 years. Um, mom was a, a, a, a home, uh, you know, a stay at home, mom, um, and it was like your, your, for that generation, your traditional household, uh, had four siblings, um, but I'm the youngest. So there was, really it was. It was like I was an only child for a while, because the closest sibling I have is six years older than me. But they were awesome, um, and unfortunately they passed really young.

Speaker 1: 8:47

My dad was 69. My mom, my dad was 66. My dad, my mom was 69. So they died really young, um, but they lived long enough to see all their kids get anchored and settled and married and through school and all that kind of good stuff. So, um, you know we were, we were taught real good basic morals and values and we were taught to treat everybody equally and respectfully, and I'm really really grateful for that foundation which again now, as a dad, you know throughout my kids' upbringing that's what I've tried to pass on to them.

Speaker 2: 9:23

How, when you said unconditional love, that means a lot to different people. Tell me what it meant to you.

Speaker 1: 9:29

What it meant to me is that, no matter as a kid, no matter if you were following the rules or breaking the rules or pissing off your parents or getting straight A's, you always knew that they still loved you, or getting straight A's, you always knew that they still loved you, even when they were mad at you. You knew that they were upset, they were disappointed, but they never stopped loving you. You know the type of thing where you know, when all is said and done, you might have some friction, but it never got to a point where you know that's it. That's unacceptable. I'm not going to talk to you for three months. It was, you know. You took your lumps, you spoke your piece. You didn't always agree or see eye to eye, but at the end of the day you kissed each other goodnight and said see you in the morning. You know, I always knew that my parents loved me and I feel very fortunate for that.

Speaker 2: 10:28

Love it. Yeah, it's good. It's being, uh, being a parent's hard, as we all know and um, it's not always easy, like you said, and I think it's funny. Like one of the things I work with my son on, um, or my daughter, is like the one thing I'm very, very hard and tough with my kids on his body language. That's like a non non-negotiable for me. Um, you want to see this podcast host? Loses, loses part of my friends, loses shit. That's body language. I always and and I always tell them like, listen, I'm going to get on you because that's the, that's the easiest way. A coach, a boss, a teacher, a friend was like I'm out on you Because if you can't control your emotions and the highs or the lows, and you and they think of you as someone who's going to be go schizo or bananas or off the radar, whatever it might be, it's, you can't.

Speaker 1: 11:09

And it's a great life lesson to learn, because you're absolutely right. And that goes that's you know on or off the court. That's you know, something you take with you through every aspect of life, because the first thing people recognize is, or notice is, your body language. So how is you know, how's that person taking that? Ooh, they're pissed. Ooh they're upset. Ooh they're. They're ignoring me Ooh, they're, you know. It makes a huge difference. So that's, that's a great life lesson.

Speaker 2: 11:36

Yeah, well, thank you, it's, you know it's. And whether it's on the golf course, it doesn't matter where it is, it's like those are. You can say, oh, it's the moment. Well, no, you, you have control over your thoughts and I believe, at least my opinion. And um, I'm not saying it's easy, but, um, you know, you made me think of that story cause we were walking up the one of the last holes and, um, he did something.

Speaker 2: 11:56

He was, I'd give him an, a minus on body language, but I'm, I, I'm, fortunately fair and unfair, I'm looking for perfection. And and then I remember saying I said, listen, but I said I get on you because I got six months more before you're off to college and I only do this because I love you and I want to make sure you know that this is what I expect and this is what you know. When I was hiring people, this is what I expected, this is what I, whatever, whatever it is it's. You never want to see it, let your competitor see a bad side or anybody, and just it's. It's a form of leadership too, and you can just find the positive in anything you're going through.

Speaker 2: 12:26

I think you people will rally around you you know people will rally around you more, and so, anyway you, you now triggered me to say that story. But um, before I go in I got. Now I'm curious how'd you get into basketball?

Speaker 1: 12:39

You know it's interesting, casey, because of the five children my parents had, I was the only one who was into sports. I don't know how that happened.

Speaker 2: 12:47

Wow.

Speaker 1: 12:48

I don't know how it happened, but from a very young age I was just always playing sports. I didn't do the football thing, I did basketball and baseball, ran track a little bit. I am slow as hell, so that didn't work out too good, but you know, I just always loved it. And it's funny because I got my parents into it, because they weren't that. I mean, my sisters were cheerleaders, but they didn't play sports.

Speaker 1: 13:12

My brothers didn't play sports and basketball I always, I don't know it it it became my favorite sport very early on, and I can't pinpoint where, why or how or how, but it's probably because I grew up. So the house I grew up in was six blocks from the campus of the University of Maryland. So from the time I was six years old my parents were taking me to Maryland basketball games and just that excitement and the pace of the game and the drama, all that stuff, I guess, had an impact on me as a kid. So then all of a sudden it's like, oh, I want to play for Maryland one day. Obviously that didn't happen, but it instilled for me a love of the game and I loved watching as much as I could.

Speaker 2: 13:59

Did your dad play hoop growing up?

Speaker 1: 14:00

No, not at all. My dad was not an athlete at all.

Speaker 2: 14:03

Wow, nor was my mom, but he liked going to the games though.

Speaker 1: 14:05

He loved going to the games and when I played they'd come watch me, obviously. But, it wasn't like they were coaching me at home because they didn't know.

Speaker 2: 14:16

Right Values. You said they had great values, they taught you great values, which you've obviously have three children that are thriving. They're, they're, they're making it happen, they're graduating, they're doing great things. Um, talk about. Talk about two or three really important values that you learned as a child, that you and your wife passed down to your kids.

Speaker 1: 14:38

Only three.

Speaker 1: 14:39

Um so well, if it is a value and I'm trying to think, is this a value? But my parents always instilled in all of all of us kids that you know family's family and you got to stick together through good times and bad, because that's your, your closest support network, so to always value your family and maintain, you know, foster those relationships. You know, another value that they instilled in us, casey, was something that you know my parents and you know they taught us to treat everybody equally and my mom had this great tradition Every Christmas Eve we'd go to midnight mass and then after mass we'd walk down the church was a block up the street and we'd walk down and mom would serve breakfast to anybody who wanted to come. And it got to a point where there were hundreds of people in our house every Christmas Eve and mom's mission was always okay, who knew can I get to come this year.

Speaker 1: 15:45

And it didn't matter who you were or where you came from, or what walk of life, race, creed, color, religion, whatever. There were people that showed up just for the breakfast because they knew it was there. They didn't go to church, but they were friends of ours and it was like hey, come on over and have some breakfast. So that concept of I always tell my kids I feel very fortunate that I was raised in a house that didn't see color and in a world that we live in today you hope that that passes on. It's like no, everybody's people, so respect everybody equally and treat everybody equally. And the concept of faith I mean we had a pretty strong faith. When all else fails, if you don't have anything else to lean on, that's always there.

Speaker 2: 16:30

As someone who's in the staffing business has done. Well in the staffing business now, leading staffing teams, leading companies like you're, like you're doing now I feel like my gut's telling me.

Speaker 1: 16:40

I don't know why I'm telling it, but my gut says a lot of that leadership skills you got from your mom, maybe your dad too, but executive vice president for a government contracting firm and I had the chance I saw him in action at work. I saw how he treated folks. He taught me a lot about managing and treating people in the office and things like that. So professionally, I would say my dad taught me more Personally as far as managing the household. I mean when you're in an Italian household, mom rules the roost.

Speaker 1: 17:25

So, I got a lot of that for mom.

Speaker 2: 17:29

I just the reason, what is on my heart when I said that is just you know. Inclusion I mean belonging, making people feel. I mean I can see your house, I can literally see hundreds of people and just a happy lady, even though I've never we don't know each other at all, really, but never met your mom. But what a cool visual to think about.

Speaker 1: 17:52

She was someone that when you met her, she made you feel like she knew you her whole life. She'd walk up to total strangers and be hugging before the conversation was end was it was over. She was just that type of person always made you feel welcome. It's pretty wild.

Speaker 2: 18:10

So cool. Well, let's, let's talk about, let's transition and talk about um, the adoption, the process, and for those that have never been through it, for those that have been through it, maybe, maybe, take us back to the day when you and your wife said you know what we're going down this path, and maybe talk about some of the highs and then some of the challenges.

Speaker 1: 18:31

Sure, so we my sister-in-law, so my wife's sister, her oldest, is adopted from Chile, south America, and so my wife and I had always talked about it and we said, hey, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 1: 18:45

Even if you know, even if we can have our own kids naturally, it'd be kind of cool to adopt. So it was always out there during the courting process. And then you don't know what life is going to deal you. So, not for lack of trying, we just weren't conceiving naturally and every medical test said, yeah, nothing seems to be wrong, it's just not happening. So now part of you sidebar says maybe this is God's way of telling me you really shouldn't be a parent. But we said, no, this is God's way of telling us that we've got to form our family a different way. So we tried for five years. Nothing was happening. We didn't want to do the in vitro thing. It just wasn't for us. So at that point we said you know what, let's adopt some kids. So the only baseline we knew was my sister-in-law. So we actually contacted the same agency, same people that she worked with and started the process and we figured well, let's adopt a child from Chile, because that way the cousins will have a common bond of both being from the same origin. So that was the philosophy behind that, and so the first adoption that we were assigned actually fell apart, fell through, which was gut-wrenching, because as soon as we, you know, they sent us a picture of this little girl and we had a name picked out. I'm telling everybody at work, hey, I'm going to be a dad, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the birth mother reclaimed her. So it's like, okay, lesson learned, let's not put the cart before the horse. So the next child that we got a call on was a little boy, and that was my son.

Speaker 1: 20:29

And the adoption process takes a while. It's very invasive, so you've got to be prepared to open up your whole world and be scrutinized to the nth degree. So we're talking case studies, people visiting your house, making sure you're fit parents, getting letters of recommendation from your friends, psychological exams, medical exams, financial analysis. I mean the whole works. I always tell the story when we were adopting Tony, my oldest, as part of the home exam, they tested our water for drinkability and I lived on an old farm. It was my father-in-law's farm and I was living in one of his houses at the time and it's a 100-year-old house and the water tested high for nitrates. So I said, okay, I'll put in a water cooler, that's fine, we'll have purified water drink. But that wasn't acceptable. So we actually had to dig a new well before we were deemed an okay home.

Speaker 1: 21:29

So there's a lot that goes into it and when you look at it, on the one hand you say, okay, that's good, so they're really checking to see that these parents are ready in the household is appropriate. On the other hand, as I say in the book, if a convicted felon who's murdered three people and a drug addict girlfriend go and do the nasty and have a child… no one's questioning that they can do that. So part of you says, well, gee, why am I having to go through all this? But then you know when, when you bring your kid home, it's like you don't think about it anymore. Um, so we brought Tony home and he was 18 months old at the time when we brought him home. Um, so with all my kids, I totally missed the diapers sleeping, eating, crapping, crawling, first steps. You miss all that. So we didn't adopt from infant. You can adopt from infant infancy, um, but we just we didn't do that. No-transcript, and she's being put up for adoption. Are you interested? Sure, that was like a no brainer. It's like we're going back to.

Speaker 1: 23:11

Chile, Um, and her adoption process was without a hitch, smooth as silk brought her home. She was 16 months old and then, while we were adopting her Casey, we were told that the birth mother was pregnant again. And two weeks after we brought her home we got a call saying had another daughter, she's being put up for adoption. Are you interested? So I'm like, okay, I just got number two. Now you're asking me if I want number three. So I needed a little bit of time to process this. My wife was like all in from the get-go. She's like yes, I'm like ho, ho, ho, ho, you know, Because you can't play man defense anymore.

Speaker 1: 23:57

Thank you. You got to go to zone and so when that happens, you're like, okay, well, wait a minute, Can we do this as parents? Can we do this financially? Because it's not cheap, Right? And at the end of the day it was you know what. Let's do it. You know it'd be great to have another child who's a sibling, and have these kids grow up together. So then we went back to Chile again, and that's that. Last adoption is what the book is about, because hers was was a three-year ordeal before we could bring her home.

Speaker 2: 24:32

So let's, let's transition. Talk about, talk about the, the, the book, so Alex three years. The book, so Alex three years. That's insane. I can't even imagine the stress, the challenge, maybe for what you feel comfortable. Talk about some of those challenges.

Speaker 1: 24:52

And then when the moment you said I'm writing a book, I got to do it. So I had journaled each of the first two adoptions, just because I like to write, so I would always journal everything so I could look back and kind of share with our kids hey, this is what was going on on this day and when we first met you, and this, that and the other, so it's funny, we get the call. Things are going. Now the laws in Chile changed so they had a really good foster care system, but it was expensive, expensive, and there were rumors probably in some cases very correctly so rumored that there was some trafficking going on. So the country wanted to get more control over it. So they institutionalized it.

Speaker 1: 25:29

Six months into Alex's life she was taken out of foster care and put in an orphanage and they changed the laws because they wanted all the adoptions then to go through the government. There are the equivalent of what our Department of Health and Human Services would be. And so we tried to go that route with Alex. But we weren't getting responses and the law still allowed for private adoptions, although they didn't really prefer it. So we just started the process and thought everything was moving along just fine.

Speaker 1: 25:56

So we get the call to come to Chile to appear before the judge, just like we had started the process and thought everything was moving along just fine. So we get the call to come to Chile to appear before the judge, just like we had with the other two, and we're thinking, okay, great, We'll go down there, spend a couple of weeks, come home with our daughter, and the day we got there we meet our attorney for lunch and it's kind of like Houston, we have a problem. We're like what's going on? And, unbeknownst to us, the government agency had started an adoption process under the radar in a separate suburb jurisdiction with a Chilean family for the same child.

Speaker 2: 26:35

Wow.

Speaker 1: 26:39

Wow. So at that moment you're like hmm, what now? Is this going to be worth it? So we met with the judge and the judge is like you know, it's going birth town of the child, which in this case was Santiago. Well, for some reason probably not to try to be found out they were conducting their process in a suburb and when that judge was about to move things forward, she saw that the child was born in Santiago. So she just called down to the court of orphans in Santiago just to see if they had any records. And that's when the other judge said wait a minute, I'm processing adoption for the same child. And, thank God. So it was the judges who communicated that kind of halted things and said wait a minute, we got an issue here. So that started the process of determining.

Speaker 1: 27:40

All right, are we going to fight for this child? Is it fair to the child Because the child's going to stay in an orphanage for as long as the battle goes. The government tried to intimidate us, held a meeting with us. We had cabinet members telling us hey, you can adopt any child, just not this one, saying things like oh, your son and daughter won't know the difference. They haven't met their next sibling so you can just bring any child home. And that's when I kind of got pissed and I'm like, no, no, you don't get it.

Speaker 1: 28:11

And during that first two week trip in Chile, when all this was unfolding, that's when I said to myself I've got to journal because I wasn't going to journal this one, because I was just like, ah, it's a third one, I won't journal it. I said because this is just surreal, what's happening here? And so we spent those two weeks Casey meeting with justices all the way up to the appellate level, putting faces with our names, because we knew they were going to get our case, learning the law, studying the law, doing as much as we could to figure out all right, what's our plan of attack here? And over the next two and a half years after that, there were many ups and downs, many roadblocks that it seemed like the government agency was always a step ahead of us, appealing every step of the way.

Speaker 1: 29:01

And the initial judge, when we first met with her, she said you know, our law states that a child's best place is with the mother and if not with the mother, the next best place is with siblings. And she said, if you can stick it out, our law will probably ultimately prevail, but it's going to take years and so again, what do you do? Part of us was saying is it fair to the child? Should we just kind of say, hey, put her in a home, let her be loved and move on?

Speaker 2: 29:35

What age was Alex when this fight started?

Speaker 1: 29:38

She was about a year and a half. Okay, so we're a year and a half into it and she's been in the orphanage for about a year and we had talked openly with our other children about their sister and that we were going to adopt their sister and bring her home. And so she lived in our household, even though she wasn't physically there, and that's one thing that you know.

Speaker 1: 30:07

For anybody listening who is an adoptive parent or is considering adoption, it's strange, like and you can help me relate to natural childbirth, so you know, when your wife was carrying each of your children, the excitement you felt, the bond you felt with that child, even though it wasn't physically there, yet you weren't holding them. You go through the same emotions as an adoptive parent. This person, well before you meet them, well before you know anything about them, it's, it's, it's unique and and it's, it's it's hard to describe, but it's, it's there, and so, yeah, so we pushed through and it ultimately went. You know, they appealed all the way up to the Supreme Court once the adoption was awarded and, thankfully, the law prevailed and we brought her home and then, two weeks after we brought her home, she celebrated her third birthday.

Speaker 2: 31:08

Did you get a talk to Alex at all during the time of trying to get her?

Speaker 1: 31:13

We had decided, casey, that with all that was going on and this other family we were told was visiting her, was taking her out, was bringing her into their home. We told them we didn't want to meet her unless we were going to bring her home.

Speaker 2: 31:27

Yeah, I understand.

Speaker 1: 31:29

We didn't think it was fair to her. The first time we met her was when we left the court with our official adoption decree a couple of years and three trips to Chile and we walked into the orphanage and said here's the paper we're taking her. And that's when we met her for the first time.

Speaker 2: 31:54

Now was the dual mix up. Was it pure luck? Was there some shadiness going on? Was it um?

Speaker 1: 32:06

I don't. I don't know if it was shady. Um, all I can say is we had contacted them expressing our interest. They never responded. Once they found out that we were interested, I would like to have thought they would have done what's best for the child and said hey, as much as this other family is going to be disappointed, because that's the part that's not lost on my wife and I either, that other family must have been devastated. So now they had natural kids of their own and they were going to adopt Alex. They didn't bring her home and they had been visiting her, they had gotten to know her, so I'm sure that was devastating for them.

Speaker 3: 32:47

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 32:48

And that doesn't go unnoticed on our part. But it's funny because initially, when we first found out that she was born, that two week after we brought my oldest daughter home, my wife was really gung-ho and I was like, oh, okay, we're going to do this, aren't we? Okay, I'll do it, help me through this. And I was thinking more of the hey, this is going to break us a little bit, but we'll get through it. Then, as the adversity mounted up, my wife was more like gosh, I don't know if I can keep doing this. And I was the one saying, oh, no, now it's, it's, it's going to happen and we're not giving up. Um, so lots out of your control. Uh, that's where the faith came in. Lots of praying, um, lots of support from friends and family. And you know, I lived in a small town at the time, so literally most of the town knew what was going on and knew what we were going through. And when we brought her home it was like, you know, everybody was waiting for her. So it was pretty cool.

Speaker 1: 33:57

But yeah, because of the uniqueness of it, I started writing the book almost immediately and you know, my wife said to me she said you realize, this is their story, not yours. So you need to wait until they're of age before this thing goes out in the market in the free world. So I did, I waited till they were all over 18 and aware and I talked to each one about them, collectively and independently, and I said would you let me tell your story and share it with the world? And they did. Now my oldest daughter is very private, as is my wife for the most part, so they asked that we change names. I said that's fine.

Speaker 1: 34:40

I said you know it's, it's, it's based on a true story. So I can. I can change names and this, that and the other, and everybody that we worked with is obviously the names are changed in the book, um, but the story is still there and you know it's. I tell people it's, it's, it's. It reads like a suspense novel because you never know what's going to happen next. And that's really the way we felt. And it, you know it has a bunch of twists and turns, um, very emotional. People who have read it have come up to me and said you know, I laughed, I cried, um, and it had a happy ending, thankfully, which which makes it a little bit, you know, if it didn't have a happy ending, I don't know that I would have written a book.

Speaker 2: 35:24

Right.

Speaker 3: 35:24

Hello everybody. My name is Craig Coe and I'm the Senior Vice President of Relationship Management for Beeline. For more than 20 years, we've been helping Fortune 1000 companies drive a competitive advantage with their external workforce. In fact, Beeline's history of first-to-market innovations has become today's industry standards. I get asked all the time what did Casey do for your organization? And I say this it's simple. The guy flat out gets it. Relationships matter. His down-to-earth presentation, his real-world experience apply to every area of our business. In fact, his book Win the Relationship and Not the Deal has become required reading for all new members of the global relationship management team. If you'd like to know more about me or about Beeline, please reach out to me on LinkedIn. And if you don't know Casey Jaycox, go to CaseyJaycoxcom and learn more about how he can help your organization. Now let's get back to today's episode.

Speaker 2: 36:24

One thing that, when you were telling the story that hit me was the empathy of the judges.

Speaker 1: 36:30

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:31

Yeah, you know I think too often sometimes maybe judges fair or unfair get put in that box. Well, this is the law, but like they could have. They said wait a minute, something's not right here, like if they didn't slow down. This is a totally different story.

Speaker 1: 36:47

We owe everything to this the judge of the seventh court of minors in Santiago, chile, who, she, was an amazing individual and had such compassion and empathy. She put her career on the line because they have magistrates in Chile, so every circuit court judge is mentored, if you will, by a magistrate at the next level and when she put forth that she wanted to pursue and you know, pursue in the sense of hey, this family should get the child, she's putting her career on the line Because if the magistrate doesn't support her, she's blackballed. I was, my wife and I were amazed not only at the compassion of the judges, even the judge that we met with in the other jurisdiction, who was processing the adoption for the other family we met with her as well. We had the access that you had to justices was unbelievable. We went to the appellate court judges because we knew that this would get to them at some point. The only one we didn't get to was the Supreme.

Speaker 1: 37:55

How did you find them? Asking I mean, this is like your, I'm a recruiter, casey, I know I was going to say how did you find them? Ton of questions and said, while we're here, let's make good use of the time because we were going to be there for a couple of weeks. So who do we need to meet? And we said to the one judge. We said we'd like to put our faces in front of these folks so that when they get the document it's not just words on a paper they can see who we are. We had pictures of the kids and our family and this, that and the other, so we wanted to make it as real as possible for them so, as they were deciding on this, they would have these visions in their head.

Speaker 2: 38:42

So yeah, but yeah hats off to the judicial system, biggest deal you've ever closed in your life.

Speaker 1: 38:52

By far, by far. Wow yeah, kind of crazy when I look back on it.

Speaker 2: 38:59

How long did it take you to write the book?

Speaker 1: 39:01

When I got serious about it, probably the better part of two years. So I had a bunch of notes. Then got real serious, probably when COVID hit. I said this is a good time to hunker down and use my time wisely, connected, again through the beauty of LinkedIn, with a wonderful woman who did an editorial review she's a ghostwriter and an author herself and my first draft. She literally goes through line by line and tells you what's good, what's bad, what to make different, what you need. It was incredibly eyeopening and the finished product looked night and day from that first draft.

Speaker 1: 39:41

So it was a process from that point on, evolving and taking her advice and really developing it. It was funny she said she goes. When I read this, she goes, it's a good story. She goes, but it's all from your point of view. She's like I need your wife's point of view in there. She goes, I need more, more of your wife. And she was right. So I had my wife go through it and I said every step, I said just start making notes of what you remember and what your emotions, you were feeling and what was going on there, and then I would take that and formulate it into you know, the manuscript. Um, so it was a, it was a joint process with me and my wife many, many revisions, many edits, um, and a lot of help, but, uh, yeah, so about two years.

Speaker 2: 40:27

Did the? Did all three children speak English when they came home?

Speaker 1: 40:31

No, um, the, but they didn't speak Spanish either. So, my, my, so Alex the youngest one, she spoke a little bit of Spanish, cause she was almost three years old. So, my, my, so, alex, the youngest one, she spoke a little bit of Spanish because she was almost three years old, so she would communicate, and we spoke a lot of Spanglish with her, and I took four years of Spanish. I know enough to be borderline dangerous. Um, so we would speak as much as we could to make that transition easier, cause all of a sudden you take this child who is used to being around nothing but Spanish speaking people, um, mostly dark haired people like me. My wife is very fair skinned and blonde, so now you throw in an environment where she's got that and she's hearing English. So big trauma. Um, my, my other two children they were toddlers, so they were 16 and 18 months, so, um, and Tony didn't speak much at all, and Adrian, I think, could say, um, hola, you know wasn't, wasn't talking a whole lot, so English was really the only language they knew.

Speaker 1: 41:33

How often do you go back to Chile? Haven't been back yet? Um, it's on the list again that the. They've gone through some some rough times, um, from a stability of of the country standpoint? Um, but we we've told our kids that we'd like to take them all back there. Um, the, the foster mother who took care of both of my daughters. Um cause, when Alex was placed in foster care for the first six months of her life, she went to the same home as my other daughter and we still keep in touch with her to this day through the beauty of social media. So I'd love to bring them back so they could visit with her in person and they could see, you know, firsthand where they came from, because they've known, you know, since we brought them home, where they came from. That's been, you know, kind of out there. We didn't hide that at all, so they knew how our family was formed.

Speaker 2: 42:27

As you think through this whole journey, um, for a parent at home that's thinking about doing this like what's what? What's been the most rewarding part and maybe what's been the biggest lesson learned.

Speaker 1: 42:39

I will quote my sister-in-law Um, I take no credit for their successes. I take no credit for their failures, if that makes sense. And what I mean by that is, it's interesting. The most rewarding thing is just and I don't look at it as being an adoptive parent, I just look at it as being a parent, because the most rewarding thing has been watching them develop and watching them mature and watching them succeed and watching them fail and learn from their failures All the normal stuff that parents go through, the challenges you face.

Speaker 1: 43:15

And when you're going through stuff, you start asking yourself, okay, is this happening because they're an adoptive child or is this happening because they're just a child? So you go through all that, those emotions too, and it's usually just the latter, that they're just a kid and they're going through the normal life phases. So the most rewarding thing has just been watching them evolve into adults. And the most challenging is just, it's just parenthood. Like you said before, it's the hardest job in the world. And you know, I wish there was a manual where you know oh, not doing your homework, go to chapter six, page two, that'll tell you how to get them to do their homework. Um, you know it's. It's hard when you you see your kids struggle. Um, you know, my oldest had a ton of physiological challenges, no fault of his own.

Speaker 1: 44:08

Um but, Um, no, just genetically. Um, he, you know, he just had a really tough time in school and so that was really hard to get him. When we, when he graduated high school, we were elated, um, because it was really a challenge. It was just one of those kids where he had a hard time learning and they've all got a little bit of that, but he had it the hardest. And just different personalities. My oldest daughter she could have been on her own at 13. She's Miss, independent, self-confident, strong-willed, bright, knows what she wants, won't take any crap. And the youngest is the biggest hearted, pleasing person in the world. So no surprise that she wants to be a nurse. She wants to take care of people. So it's kind of cool. You see a lot of similarities, but, like with any family, they each have their own personalities.

Speaker 2: 45:10

Yeah, I think it's so cool. I mean, I've met people who have adopted, but I've never met someone who's been able to adopt all three siblings. I mean it's a fantastic story. It's Didn't plan it that way, but it worked out. Oh yeah, I mean that'd be a really interesting if you did plan it Like but but sometimes when you, when you sit back and reflect, it's like, ah, it makes total sense, you just took time to get there.

Speaker 1: 45:35

Well, it's funny because so often people would come up to and say, oh, it's such a beautiful thing you did for those kids, and that's not what we were thinking. You know it's it's like well, no, that's how we built our family. It's like it's it's a beautiful thing that we had, we were able to get these kids and have a family.

Speaker 1: 45:55

So yeah a side benefit, I guess, is sure they're growing up together and I don't think they you know they don't they'll tell you, you know, I don't know what it would have been like growing up without my siblings. So thank God for that. But you know we didn't do it with that in mind, as far as you know. Oh, this wasn't, you know, an act of kindness. It was, it was how we built a family. It was, you know, it was what we chose to do. So it it served us selfishly as much as it served them.

Speaker 2: 46:21

There's a lot of faith signs throughout this journey that happened like serendipitous signs. So, check this out.

Speaker 1: 46:29

So my dad's name is Antonio Joseph Ruffini. My oldest son's birth name was Antonio Kind of cool.

Speaker 1: 46:37

All my kids' names we kept. They're their names. The only one we changed was Alejandra was her middle name and we made it her first name and Americanized it into Alexandra. But we kept her birth first name, which was Anais. We made that her middle name. So it all kind of. You know, they all look like me, which is kind of crazy. I'm Italian, so I'm dark haired, a little darker complexion, brown eyes. They've all got the same thing. So when we're out in public it's like oh they all look like their dad.

Speaker 1: 47:09

Yeah, they do.

Speaker 2: 47:10

Kind of cool, that's so cool. What, um, if you think about one area of uh growth as a dad that you can go look back and say, man, this is an area I was not my best Cause I was like asking dads an area that where they can, we can, we can help dads improve or get better. What's an area of your dad game that maybe wasn't your best that you're? You can look back on and say that, man, that was an area I could have been a better.

Speaker 1: 47:34

And Casey I was. I was the best dad in the world before I had kids. I always like, don't know. So the area that I, if I could go back, I would work on and improve tremendously, I picked too many battles. My wife would always tell me she's like you know, you can't pick every battle. You gotta. You gotta decide which battles you want to fight and which ones you're just going to not fight as hard.

Speaker 2: 48:03

What would be an example that you can relate?

Speaker 1: 48:06

You know, if my son was wearing his baseball cap to the side, I'd get on him. I'd be like front or back, no side. I don't go for that. Just a personal pet peeve. In reality, would that have made a damn bit of difference? Probably not. So you know why did I choose to pick every little battle of things that I thought I could? You know, and maybe, like you said, maybe I had a little bit of what you have and I was striving for perfection. There's no such thing. So you know, it took me a while.

Speaker 1: 48:39

I grew up in a household where it was you go to school, you go to college, you get a degree that will allow you to get to work and support your family. And then my oldest comes along and college wasn't for him. He's just not, you know, it's not for him. And it took me a while to come to grips with that. At first I fought it and I was like no, you're going to school, you're going to school. And then lacrosse allowed him to get to school and you know what happened? Academically, it wasn't for him, it was too much.

Speaker 1: 49:09

And so, again, tuning into learning what makes your kids tick and what drives them and what makes them happy and then supporting and cultivating that, instead of trying to push them in a direction that you think is right for them, where there's a happy medium. Right, because in their younger years you got to push them in the direction. But as they evolve and you start to see what they're passionate about, I was able to do that much more successfully with my daughters than I was my son, yeah. So if I could go back and work on one thing, I'd I'd work on that. Plus, I'm Italian, so I used to yell a lot and I wish I grew up in a household where mom yelled all the time. It was just the way of the way of the world. Um, and I? I wouldn't yell as much rest in peace.

Speaker 2: 50:01

My pops passed away December 29th 2021. And he could drop. I'll put a little Enex this episode, john, but he could drop the best. God damn it's at me. God damn it, casey. Oh, he would just lose his mind and my sister and I would laugh sometimes because he would just.

Speaker 2: 50:17

It's when you hear someone, it was kind of scared us, but then it made us laugh and I remember I didn't want to ever swear at my kids, but there's times, you know, I think every parent, what you said speaks to them. We sweat the small stuff sometimes and it is good to sweat the small stuff, but in the end, one of my great friends, who I've given love multiple times, bert Noctegal, on the East Coast. He always said man, what's your end game? Kenny Lofton, he shared, he's a performer, he listened and he talked about what's the end game, and to me it's an easy answer. I want a great human being who shows up on time, who's respectful, who's going to be a great husband, a father, a wife, a mother, a friend, a good employee, a good boss, someone who brings positivity in the world.

Speaker 2: 51:03

Now, however, they get to that point. Whether it's through karate, ceramics, welding, basketball, it doesn't matter. Yet we as parents get wrapped up in oh, we got to do this, get to that. And I always have to just check myself and it's like I'm asking my kids all the time hey, are you happy doing what you're doing? Do you like doing this? That's awesome. You're doing a lot. A because awesome you're doing a, you know one. A because it's expensive, but b it's you know whether it's a basketball here or a golf here or do that it's like. But I think when, once you help them find it, find their passion, man, it's rewarding. Yeah, agreed, like I played football college. There's uncle rico moment right there from deploying dynamite. Uh, my son never played. I mean, he played flag football. Now I could have easily pushed him into. You know you're playing tackle I. This is why you're doing it, cause I look he saw dad's body kind of breaking down at times. He's like, yeah, I don't want to do that.

Speaker 2: 51:55

I don't blame you Right.

Speaker 1: 51:57

Right. So I love hearing you talk about your kids, because I can. You can totally see. I mean your eyes light up and you can tell that there's there's a really solid foundational relationship there, which is great to see.

Speaker 2: 52:12

I appreciate you saying that it's for everybody at home this is an audio only podcast, but maybe I can screenshot my eyes and send them to you.

Speaker 2: 52:22

Okay, Before we go into some fun, if you were to summarize everything we've talked about whether you've adopted kids well, you've not adopted kids, don't matter. But dads, if you could summarize what we've talked about, John, that dads or moms or anybody can take from our episode to become that better, ultimate leader of their household, Tell me a couple of things that come to mind. A couple of things that come to mind.

Speaker 1: 52:44

Tell me a couple of things that come to mind. A couple of things that come to mind Embrace the individuality of each child. It's okay to be tough. I always said. You know, when they're younger it's not your job to be their friend. As my kids have gotten older, it's kind of fun because now I'm in that yeah, I'm still dad, but I'm kind of on the friend zone level also, which is a nice transition. I remember when I had that, when I transitioned with my parents, so I wouldn't worry about being liked, I'd worry about setting a good example and preparing them, Even if even if it's not something that you're used to, because it's so hard to find what you love in this world. And if you're, if your kid knows it and they're passionate about it, man, they're a step ahead of the game.

Speaker 2: 53:34

Yeah, love it so good. Okay, if people have. I want to make sure we give some love to what you do at Health Trust. If people have never heard of that company, maybe talk a little bit about what you do there and how can people learn more about what you guys do.

Speaker 1: 53:49

Sure Health Trust is in the healthcare staffing space. You go to healthtrustjobscom to learn more about the types of opportunities we have. We're part of HCA Healthcare, which is the largest for-profit hospital system in the country and for lack of a better comparison is we place clinicians at their hospitals. We're also the largest MSP in the healthcare space, so we provide a lot of service to a lot of hospital systems across the country, trying to help find solutions for the shortage of clinical staff that exists today.

Speaker 2: 54:22

Very cool. And how can we make sure people know how to find your book? Where can they go? Where can they learn more about you?

Speaker 1: 54:30

Thankfully it is available wherever they want it. So obviously it's on Amazon, because everything in the world is on Amazon and it can also be found. If you go to your local library, local bookstore, you can ask them to order it. It's in the database where they can just tap in and get it. I just got in my first Barnes Noble, so I'm really excited about that. Let's go. They can go to barnesandnoblecom, they can go to goodreadscom, so pretty much wherever books are sold they can access it. But the easiest, of course, is just to get it through Amazon and what formats is it in besides paperback or hardcover?

Speaker 1: 55:08

It is a Kindle or ebook paperback, hardcover and later this year will be audio book. I haven't I haven't recorded the audio book yet, but that's on the list of goals to do this year.

Speaker 2: 55:22

Are you going to do it?

Speaker 1: 55:23

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 55:24

Good, nice job. Absolutely. I did my audio book on mine and it's such a cool experience.

Speaker 1: 55:30

I'm looking forward to it. Such a cool experience. I haven't finished your book yet, but I am. I am in the process of reading. It's very good.

Speaker 2: 55:36

I appreciate that. Okay Is now time to go into what I call the lightning round, where I ask you just random, random questions that have no really meaning no stock picks like Kramer though. No, okay.

Speaker 1: 55:49

Just making sure.

Speaker 2: 55:50

But we might you never know what to expect later on. Your job is to answer these questions ideally as quickly as you can.

Speaker 3: 55:58

And with our editing.

Speaker 2: 55:58

I can make them sound, even answer them quicker, so don't worry, if you take the time, my job is to try to get a giggle out of you. Try to get a. What A giggle. Okay, get you to laugh. Are you ready? I think so. Okay, true or false. You were supposed to play Rocky Balboa, but Sylvester Sloan replaced you instead.

Speaker 1: 56:20

He giggled False.

Speaker 2: 56:23

See I'm random. I have no idea why I would ask that. Okay, True or false? You once played a wide receiver for the Washington football team.

Speaker 1: 56:30

False again.

Speaker 2: 56:32

Okay, um, if I was to come to your house tonight for dinner, tell me what we'd have.

Speaker 1: 56:38

We would have baked ziti. Ooh, that sounds good.

Speaker 2: 56:41

Maybe with some chicken cutlets on the side. Okay, now I'm getting hungry.

Speaker 1: 56:46

I had chicken parm last night.

Speaker 2: 56:47

It's delicious. Yeah, tell me the last book you read, other than mine right now. What's the last book you read?

Speaker 1: 56:54

Last book I read doesn't okay. I'm almost through one, so the last book I finished was a book called Own the Room.

Speaker 2: 57:03

Very cool, it was very good, it's all about executive presence. Okay, If I was to go into your phone right now, and what would be one song you listened to that your kids would be like dang dad, you listened to that. That's pretty cool.

Speaker 1: 57:14

The one that would make my kids shake their head or surprised or surprised, because they're not surprised at anything I listen to. I'll just say, michael Jackson, don't stop till you get enough. There we go.

Speaker 2: 57:28

Good cut, very good cut, if you were to book a vacation right now, you and your lovely bride no kids. Where are you going? Italy, okay. If there was to be a book written about your life, tell me the title Make it Happen. The title Make it happen. Okay. Now, john, make it happen is crushing it. It's crushing it more than your book. You wrote and Hollywood's found out about it, and now we're going to make a movie out of it. You're the casting director and you need to know who's going to star John Ruffini, in this hit new movie.

Speaker 1: 57:57

Well, by the time that happens, the actor I chose today is probably going to be too old. Um, who's going to play John Ruffini? Mark Wahlberg.

Speaker 2: 58:06

Oh here, we go A little tough. Tough East Coast guy. I like it. Okay. Last question Tell me two words to describe your wife Loving Kind. There we go, lightning round's over. I giggled. I laughed at my own jokes. John giggled We'll call it a tie.

Speaker 2: 58:22

This has been fantastic getting to know you, brother. I'm grateful that our paths have crossed. I'm grateful that you spent time here on this podcast and I can't wait for everybody to go pick up a copy of A Quest for Alex. I can't wait to read it. I just finished a book, so it's now a time for me to go get John's. I can't wait.

Speaker 2: 58:41

When this episode comes out, I will have read John. Connect him on LinkedIn. We'll make sure that all that's linked in the show notes. We'll make sure that you can learn more about what he does at Health Trust as well. But, more importantly, everybody, just keep supporting us dads. Keep listening to these episodes. If you know a dad out there, share it with someone else, and if you think of someone that could benefit from listening to John's story if they're going through a tough time with the adoption process. If you're not, this is a guarantee to be inspired by his story, because it's a great, great outcome for him and his family. So, without further ado, john, thanks so much for spending time with us and I look forward to hopefully meeting you in person soon, brother.

Speaker 1: 59:18

Likewise, casey. Thanks for having me Really really thankful that our paths crossed and keep up the good work. Thanks, man.