Jacob Karnes - What If Time Is The Real Scoreboard For Dads?

Time is the one resource fatherhood won’t let us fake. When Jacob Karnes tells the story of losing his dad suddenly, the conversation shifts from productivity tips to something heavier and more useful: how do you build a life where you’re actually there, not just technically “around”? 

We talk honestly about what changes when you hold your first child and realize work can’t be the main scoreboard anymore, even if you’re driven, competitive, and wired to win.

We also rewind to Jacob’s childhood in the Bible Belt and what it’s like growing up with big expectations like “where much is given, much is required.” We unpack the good that comes from that standard, excellence, respect, doing things the right way, and the shadow side too, like fear of mistakes and pressure to be perfect. Then we get practical: protecting meal time, keeping phones off the table, using curiosity and follow-up questions to help kids open up, and why showing affection to your spouse in front of your kids quietly teaches them what healthy love looks like.

Along the way, we hit the real-life dad moments that stick: coaching 3 and 4-year-old soccer, handling chaos with a plan, and learning to relax about mess without lowering the bar on responsibility. Jacob also shares his career path from Chick-fil-A leadership to running his own consulting and coaching business, and how getting told “no” helped him find the work he actually wanted to do.

If you want more grounded fatherhood advice, stronger family values, and leadership lessons you can use at home and at work, listen now, then subscribe, share this with a dad who needs it, and leave a quick review so more parents can find the show.

Transcript

Welcome And Podcast Mission

0:03

Hi, I'm Riley. And I'm Ryder. And this is my dad's Joe. Hey everybody, it's KCJ Cox with the quarterback. Can't wait for this season because there's a lot of great guests ahead. If you're new to this podcast, really it's simple. It's a podcast where we interview dads, we learn about how they're raised, we learn about the life left that were important to them, we learn about the values that are important to them, and really we learn about how we can work hard to become a better quarterback or leader of our home. So let's sit back, relax, and listen to today's episode of Quarterback Jackass. Everybody, it is KCJ Cox with the quarterback jackass. We are in season seven, still chugging along on the quest to get to a thousand dads. We're gonna talk to. We are right around 350. Uh and we have momentum, baby, and we're gonna keep going. I just want to thank every dad who continues to listen, support, share, um, just show up and and and realize that we're all in this journey together, working hard to become the ultimate quarterback leader of our household. Our guest today is a gentleman by the name of Jacob Barnes. He is a mighty owl in Western Governors University. I don't know if he's ever heard that in a while, but tried to get a giggle out of him. He's a former Chick-fil-A beast. I don't think he made the sauce. If he did, my daughter's gonna want to meet him because she orders Ways Mate candles. But he now is the owner and operator of Waves Business uh Consulting Coaching. And uh he went off on his own uh a few years ago, so we're gonna learn all about that. But more importantly, that's not why we're having Jake Bond. We're gonna have Jake Bond learn about Jake's dad. And now he's working hard to become an ultimate quarterback or leader of his home. Mr. Carnes, welcome to the quarterback deck. Thank you so much for having me. Love love the target audience of dads. I love coaching and football analogies. So love curiosity. Seems like this will be a great place to connect. Well, you said football, now I gotta go Uncarico. I can throw a football over that mountain if you want me to. That's yeah, I wish I could I wish I still could. I feel like I've lost it. Um I turned 30 soon and I'm like, I can already feel the back pain coming. Oh, dude, you're you're barking, you're complaining to the wrong guy, buddy. I'm 50. That's right. You're nothing.

Gratitude And Choosing More Time

2:15

Well, we always start out each episode gratitude, so tell me, what are you most grateful for as a dad today? Good question. I'm most grateful for time. I I'm so grateful that I went out on my own because I've had so much more time that I can control. And so I feel like I'm able to be present for everything, and I've already decided like no matter what the feature holds, no matter what my career does, or if I go work for someone else, another company, um, I will never not be able to control my time. So I will I am so grateful for time with my family, and uh, I'm sure we'll get into it. But I lost my dad in 2019, and and after having kids, I'm like, time is everything. So I'm extremely grateful for the time that I have with my wife, with my kids. That's uh a fantastic answer. Uh I I've shared that as well, and my my condolences to you. My I lost my dad December 29th, 2021, so we have that in common. Yeah. I'd say what I'm what I'm grateful for today, man, is um similar. I um I rarely have like a uh a gap in the morning, but today I did. And so I did a little reading, read Daily Stoic. Shout out to you, uh Ryan Holiday. I did some gratitude work. I worked out. Um, I took my dogs on a walk and then I watched my daughter who's recovering from a torn ACL, uh, come in and work out with me and what she could. And then I said, Hey, you want to get a little ball handling in? Because she hasn't can't, I mean, she can shoot from like two feet away. She goes, Yeah, I go just do like 50 pound right, 50 pound left, some crossover work. I said it'll take like five minutes. It's like, okay. And just watching her with a torn ACL still grinding, dude. Grinding. And I'm just I'm inspired by her mindset and her her grit. And um, I'll wrap that up into an awesome time today. Well, uh inspired by you, I will add I went to the driving range this morning and I'm playing golf on Thursday. Uh love that it's it was like 55 degrees this morning here in Metro Atlanta, and I could wear a quarter zip and hit a few golf balls and be outside. It was very, very nice. Great way to start the day. There we go. Well,

How Jacob Met Addie

4:27

bring me inside the uh the Carnes huddle. Tell me how you and your wife met and who's on the squad. Great question. So my wife and I met. This is the most millennial thing about me, I will say. We met via FaceTime, via mutual friends. So um, my friend Gage, he and I worked at Chick-fil-A together. We were traveling around doing different assignments, opening up Chick-fil-A's across the country, and uh we were in oh gosh, Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Texas, and he was FaceTiming his girlfriend at the time, who's now his wife, and his wife was hanging out with my now wife, and she came on to say hello to Gage because they were friends back in Tampa, and uh when she went off, I said, Who was that? He's like, Ah, it's Addy, that's Krista's friend Addy, and I'm like, dude, I've been single for how long? You're just oh just just Krista's friend Addy. And uh we got her to come back on the phone, and I told her I thought that she was pretty and that I'd love to have her. So that's how we met. Uh our first date was to Disney World. I I tell yeah, I let I let a small group of high schoolers for several years, and I would tell people that that's not the way to do it. You start with like Chick-fil-A or coffee, because then it can only go down. You can't start at Disney. That's a bad idea. Um yeah, we we met in 2017, we got engaged in 2018, married in 2019, and then we had our first um our daughter Jamie in 2022 in May of 2022, so he's about to turn four, and then we had our son Emerson last summer in June, or excuse me, July 2025. I do know that of July of 2025. So we've got uh two kids, beautiful wife Addie, and we have an Australian shepherd who's sick. His name's Kirby. Solid. Is the dog already getting kicked to the curb, or do you guys still give him some love? Oh, he's I mean, he's been kicked to the curb for four years. I I feel bad a little bit. We can never get rid of him because our our kids love our dog, and our dog is so good with our kids, but yeah, he went from maybe I wouldn't say A1 in the house, he went from like B tier in the house to to F tier real quick. Oh, yeah. Um, I joke all the time. I'm like, you do one thing and we're gonna give you one. And I love our dog. I'm just like, yeah, you do one thing to my kids and you're out of the house. He he hasn't done that. Our kids try to get him away, but he does not have the place he wants to kill, that's for sure. Yeah, I I uh I remember your you're I remember the stage of fatherhood you're at. I mean, it seems like yesterday, ma'am. And um we had a golden retriever when our kids were young, your kids' age, and then we the worst decision ever. Sorry if I'm gonna offend people who are sheet to owners, this was one of the worst dogs they've ever had in my entire life. And then we went back to I say quote unquote normal dogs. We now we have a golden retriever and a golden retriever Irish set or 50-50 mix, and they're the best. They're such good dogs. We we that we debated between an Aussie and a golden retriever. We we honestly we only landed on an Australian Shepherd because we looked up shedding and for Golden Retriever, it said for I think it said medium for Australian Shepherd. That article was a lot. Our dog sheds, relentlessly sheds. Also long haired like golden retrievers. So maybe if uh you know, when our dog passes away one day, maybe we'll get a golden retriever next. I've always loved golden retrievers. I mean, it's honestly her name's Janie. She's like, she just brings so much joy. And uh it's funny. I was actually in I was talking to a client yesterday, I actually posted about on LinkedIn today about just tying an analogy of when we say the word walk, like with dogs, and how excited they get. I said, what if we what if we could trigger our mindset as a leaders to to make our sales teams feel that same way, like so excited to come to work. Uh-huh. And uh me and this uh my clients, she goes, Oh my god, I love that analogy. I go, you know what? I'm gonna post about it and tag there. You go. So I just it's kind of fun, you know. And uh people think that but all

Growing Up With High Standards

8:19

right. Well, I always like to to now rewind the tape um and bring me uh bring me back to what was life like growing up for you, Jacob, and talk about the impact the mom and dad had on you now that you're a dad. Yeah, so my parents were married for my I mean from my birth through uh when my dad passed away in 2019. So 26 years of marriage. I think that math, right? Yeah, 93. Yeah, 26 years of marriage. Um my parents were I said, you know, I grew up in the Bible Belt. I grew my dad was on staff at a at a church growing up. So I I grew up like a church kid, so they had very church rules, which I'm grateful for. I think that some things they instilled in me. My mom said this over and over again, and it annoyed me. And now I say it, I agree with it. But um, she would say, where much is given, much is required. And they felt like I was very gifted, um, and and that I had been given much, therefore much is required of me. And I'm sure there were some downsides of that, things that I couldn't think that could have done differently in parenting, but it definitely instilled a value of excellence for me that I still carry, and that if I'm going to put my name on something, it will be done to a certain standard. And so I'm I'm very grateful that I had that value instilled from from both my parents. And I think two, uh, respect for others, and I think authority too. Like I have a high respect for authority and just for other people, and that when I interact with other humans, I'm gonna have a certain level of respect and and kindness, and I think that came from some biblical values as well that I was raised in of just having a love and respect for other humans and other people and how I'm gonna treat other people. And I'll kind of tie in two together, which is have fun and be present. Um, you know, both my parents worked full-time. My mom was home with us whenever we were like preschool age, um, and she worked at like the preschool we went to, so she did like part-time stuff. And once we were kindergarten above, my sister and I, um, both my parents work full-time, but my mom was always like the team mom for sports growing up. She was always like the you know, the PTA or parent representative for like class mom, whatever. She was always doing that. My dad always coached sports growing up, and he was working his full-time job, and he worked for a church. He did not make a lot of money, so he was doing gigs in the weekends too, but he was always a coach growing up. My parents were, despite their like circumstance, extremely present. And we made a lot of memories as a kid. My parents prioritized like in not even spending money, but just making memories as a family, and they made birthdays a big deal and made themes and events out of everything, so they were extremely present, and we had a lot of fun, and that's that's definitely two things I want to do with with my kids now. So mom mom and dad obviously created memories. I I love the that you know you can you don't need a lot of money sometimes to create memories. Yeah. I always talk about my one of my very first vacations. I was wasn't on an airplane. We used to go camping a lot. Yep. And we did too growing up. Old school days riding bikes, no helmets, you know, just why would I wear helmets? Good old the good old days, you know. And so much fun. And then, you know, now you know, I've been I'm very lucky to have I would say right guy, right time, right place. When I was in corporate for almost 25 years, um, I was supported the opportunity to travel quite often. And um my kids, the lifestyle they have had versus what I had is not the same. And so all yeah, I worry about it as a dad is just keeping grounded and um realizing that you know you gotta work your ass off these things, it's not just gonna happen. And so I mean back to the story of resilience with my daughter. I mean, I know that they they work hard, you know, because obviously tearing an ACL is no joke. And um, but she's you know, so I don't know. I I I feel like we're we've done a good job. I got a kid in college and I was a 17-year-old, but um now do you still go to church every all the time?

Faith As A Personal Choice

12:17

I do. We're very involved. We set still a big part of our lives, and we want that to be a part of our kids' lives as well. Yeah, funny. I I don't go to church, but I'm super spiritual. Like I look I look at scripture every morning, um, pray all the time. I just for me, I mean, I mean, tweet we don't need to make this a religious, you know, but I just you just you know teach tweet his own. Actually, someone said a really good thing. Recently I interviewed a guy, his uh his dad was a preacher, and this gentleman actually went through uh cancer as a kid, and but his dad never like pushed it on him. He never said, Hey, you gotta get it, he won helped made it his idea, which I think what's what great salespeople do. And um, his dad said, you know, with the values that you talked about, you know, treating people with respect, authority, doing the right thing, you know, the golden rule of life. He said, I don't think God's gonna be there with a uh tendence sheet when you get to heaven. And I just love I love that analogy, you know. It's like especially as you get older, um uh it's tough with kids and sports, and um you you have to figure out other days if that's you do want to keep going, which I'm sure you will. But um yeah, anyway, I just I don't know why I shared that just kind of ran on the top of mine. I'll I'll add something I've I've read and that I like is I read a parenting book from a pastor, but he talked about if if you make the goal of like like I'm a Christian, and if you make the goal, like I want to make, you know, I want to raise my kids to be a Christian like me. That if that's the North Star, how you get there is gonna be a little bit different, versus like we've decided, like, hey, we want to teach our kids how to follow Jesus so that they want to. And so like we're gonna be very open about like our spirituality and our relationship with God because we want them to want to do that themselves because we're not gonna force it on them. Because I think that if if love is the North Star, we're gonna love our kids no matter what decisions they make or you know who they decide to become. We want that for them, but we want uh more than anything, we want them to want it and it to be their decision versus us forcing it on. So that's been a good filter for us as far as a north star of okay, this is important to me. I can't make my kids do it. How do we make it important to them? And it's like, well, we can we can raise them in church. That's you know, they're gonna go to church with us on Sundays, and um, we can be very open about how what we're doing about it. Hopefully they see that what we have is good and that that's something they will want for themselves. That that was a really good reframing for me of uh if the North Star is like they will be Christians, that I think that can force some bad parenting habit versus you know, hey, how can I create a space where they they want to do that themselves? Yeah. Um even at a young age, that's been really good so far. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, like my we didn't go to a church a lot growing up, even my kids, but like my son, my daughter got involved with FCA in high school. My son, he goes to like a weekly youth uh Bible study with his high school college golf team. And I I love that it's their idea. Yeah, exactly. And there's everybody and you meet people where they are, and yeah, it was just it was just it's just kind of neat to see that the the growth and um you have that joy and heady as your kiddos keep uh four and one, they'll be twelve and nine before you know it, man. Don't say that. Uh not yet.

Losing A Dad Changes Priorities

15:33

Um out of curiosity, tell me how your dad passed. He had a stroke. Um very sudden, very random. One of these he had a like artery that went some some sort of like since birth random artery thing to his brain, and it was in his brainstem. So when it happened, it was very sudden and nothing we could do about it. So yeah, I appreciate it. I got a call on a Monday night, and by Tuesday morning they were starting emergency brain surgery, and we drove up from Tampa, and by Saturday he passed away. Very sudden, very unexpected, no like leading health problems. Um, yeah, what about your dad? Um, unfortunately, it was like a slow bleed. It was a um you know a rap sheet of health issues. Um, my parents were in college. Well, my I was in college, my parents got divorced, and then my dad just kind of went downhill. Um, but he had dementia, Alzheimer's, you know, a bunch of stuff. And I think eventually it was the dementia that they got him. But the cool thing was last probably two, three weeks, he was he kind of passed away during COVID. So it was kind of tough to go see him a lot because they were on lockdown, these assist living facilities. But the cool thing was the last like two weeks I saw him almost every day, and I was with him on his last breath, holding his hand and um super grateful for that that time. Um actually here, I know it's an audio only podcast you can't see, but I'll show you, man. This is this is pop. I mean there you go. I'm showing everybody a picture Uncle Ray College football. Him at uh university, but yeah, he's he's the dad that like um he he dropped some fantastic GD bombs that that used to scare us but also make us laugh. Being my sister. But uh he didn't miss anything. Yeah. Um he almost bankrupt himself at one time in my college, one of my games over. I was like at Billings, Montana, and he showed up. And um it's like this week it is, man. It's like and I I learned that from him. And you know, for example, I'm going I have a golf trip this weekend with buddies from my club, and we're playing Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Um some guys are gonna play Monday, come back. Well, I'm I I'm not playing Monday. I'm after around Sunday, I'm driving three hours east or two and a half hours east to like a random town in Idaho. Gonna watch my son compete in his conference college championships for golf. I'll watch Mondays round, Tuesdays around, hang out with my mom and stepdad, and then Tuesday night, I'll drive back six hours all the way back to Seattle and I'll speak at a company on Wednesday. The life, man. You know, and I never being there. It's like, why would I? 100%. You don't get you, and so I I love that we started our conversation today with time, Jacob, because I think it's um I learned that hard lesson. I mean, at when I was probably your age, maybe a few years older. No, probably a few years older, probably 33, 34. Um, and it it shaped the way I worked my corporate job. I I changed my hours and it was one of the best things I ever did. Yeah, I've never heard anyone regret anyone with kids. No, I haven't heard anyone be like, I made this change, and it was it was awful. So I went back to not being present. I'm like, I've I've only ever heard the opposite. So um I'm grateful that I hope I hope I don't ever have to learn a hard lesson that way, but I'm grateful I had that instilled and didn't have to learn it myself, that I heard it from someone else, and I've made it a priority, and uh hope I can continue to make that a priority as as my kids get older. Love it.

Sports Teach Life And Service

18:53

Tell me about um why why were sports such a big impact on your L life with you and your pops and your kids? Yeah, great question. I I still tell people this. I think sports are one of life's greatest teachers. I'm extremely competitive. I love sports growing up. So I mean, I think I started playing baseball at three or four, somewhere in there, playing T-ball and coach pitch and wearing uniforms that are still way too big, either when you order extra small, and you know, hats with floppy ears. Got some great pictures from from back then. But I feel like I learned a lot of life lessons playing sports. The fact that both my parents were always there, I don't think I realized at the time, but looking back, I'm like, I I couldn't tell you if my parents ever missed a practice or game. Both um I'm sure there were times my sister grew, you know, started getting older where you know parents would have to split and like you know, one parent go with the other kid. Luckily, we only had two kids in our household, so uh that made it a little bit easier to just you know take one-on-one. Um but I feel like I learned a ton of life lessons in sports growing up, uh where just working with other people, handling tough losses and handling tough times, and having my dad there through all of it as a coach was cool too. Cause I mean, I can tell you sometimes, um, Casey were like I saw my dad be a dad to other kids as well as a coach. Where um, I mean, even through like middle school and high school, like I can't tell you how many times we were picking up kids for practice and bringing them back home because you know their parents were working or not present or whatever. And so I felt like I got to watch my dad treat other people, not exactly like me, but just show them love and kindness and being present when their parents couldn't be, which again, I don't think at the time it meant as much to me as it does now, looking back, but some deep-rooted stuff and threads in there that I learned not only from sports, but from my dad being there playing sports at Corona, which was really special. Well, as you get older, it's kind of like what you just said, you your your kids are watching, man. They're watching everything you can tell them all the things in the world, but they're watching more than they listen to you. I would tell you that if I can give you some maybe some dad wisdom as a 50-year-old now, like um, whether it's exercise, whether it's how you treat people, it's how you treat your spouse. That's great advice I got is just you know, love your spouse a lot often in front of your kids. Watch, teach them how to how to treat a woman. I've told my wife that, man. I'm like, I like I want our kids to see us kiss and hug and like just be to love to love each other. And I'm like, I I'm setting the standard even now. My daughter's almost four of like, hey, this is how a man should treat a woman. Like, this is how you know, or it should, it should be. That should be your example of if then things are going well. And same thing for my son of like, hey, this is this is how we should treat each other. Um, so yeah, you're you're right. They're always watching, and uh, you know, I haven't seen the effect of that yet, but I know even as a three-year-old, she she's watching and taking a lot in because she's repeating everything. Um as you think back to your childhood and impact mom and dad had on you relating to the values that you shared, can you think of a story that might be fun to relive or share with other dads that might resonate with one of the values that you learned? Um my mom told this the other day, and I remember it. I'm gonna go back to kindergarten. Talk about a scar. Um this will go back to the much much is given, much is required. This is where there were there were downsides of it. I remember one day in I didn't know what class. I was told it was music class, kindergarten. I like didn't stop playing the piano when they asked, and they asked a couple times, and I had kept playing. Uh I had to move my shape to yellow or color to yellow, which I had never done. And I was begging the teacher not to do it, balling crying, because I'm like, my parents are gonna spake me and I'm gonna be in so much trouble with my mom. Like, I I was so much more worried about what mom was gonna think, what my

Modeling Love For Your Spouse

22:55

dad was gonna think than I was that I was having to change my color. I didn't really even care about that. Um I've told them that I felt like I was afraid to bring home B's. It goes back to like you know, I think what they were trying to get at was, hey, we want you to try your best. And they knew that, you know, I was gifted and very smart. I mean, I made straight A's through my junior year of high school. I made my first B and I was devastated. Um, and so I think there was a downside of that. If I was like almost like afraid to bring home a B, but I understand what they were trying to get at of we know you're very smart, we know you're capable of making an A, so let's put forth your best effort. I think that again, that instilled a competitiveness and a drive internally that I'm very grateful that I have and wouldn't change for the world. Um, I think it led to some funny stories of me uh almost being afraid to come home with anything less than perfect. Uh so I I've tried to figure, I've tried, I'm trying to navigate still how to instill that in my kids. And my wife and I are like, okay, like we want our kids to try our best, and that's important. We want them to put forth good effort. How are we gonna figure out what is good effort? What's you know, like how are we gonna figure out if this and hopefully we'll know our kids enough to know. But uh, how are we gonna know if, hey, if if B is their best, then let's get straight B. You know, like if C's their best, let's get straight C's. But if A's your best, let's let's try for straight A's, you know, like how can I help you get there? So we're still trying to navigate that. Uh, but again, it's one of those things that I don't think they did it perfectly. I don't think any parents are perfect, but I'm I'm grateful for I'm grateful I have it is up if that makes sense. Yeah.

Sponsor Fivecoat Consulting Group

24:40

Hey everybody, it's Casey Jaccox with the quarterback dadcast. I want to take a minute to introduce our newest sponsor on this podcast, which is the Five Coat Consulting Group, led by the one and only David Fivecoat. So, as you know, we talk a lot about on the show about what it means to be intentional as dads, fathers, and leaders, about showing up when people are counting on us. And one of the biggest challenges is how do we get people truly aligned when things get hard? That's why I think David and the Five Coat Consulting Group is worth knowing more about. So, who is David? Well, he's a dad, he's a retired army colonel, and he's a former guest on the quarterback dad cast. He also is the founder of the Five Coat Consulting Group. He and his team take CEOs and executive teams to the Gettysburg Battlefield to transform their perspective on leadership, communications, and decision making. Now, this is not just another workshop. We've all heard about it, we've all seen them. Over the three days on this workshop in Pennsylvania, teams are gonna walk the grounds, they're gonna study leaders who have been under pressure before, and they're gonna come away with lessons and frameworks that they can use immediately and remember long after this workshop's over. So if your team needs more alignment, better decision making in uncertain situations, and a leadership development program that's really going to stick, contact David now at David.fivecoat. That's d-a-v-i-d. C-O-A-T at the Fivecoat Consulting Group.com. Now, let's get back to today's episode.

Coaching Three Year Old Soccer

26:05

Well, I tell you, man, um a great way to measure are they giving their best effort in sports is there was their face right after the game. That's a good point. You know, and then school-wise, are they happy? I like that. Are they happy? But my my daughter's playing her first sport right now. We've got I-9 Sports, we're playing soccer. Okay. Um, I signed up to be, I've never coached. Uh, you know, my dad grew up coach, and I'm like, I'm present. I'm gonna be signed up to be an assistant coach. I was the only person to sign up to be a coach. I'm not just I'm not just not the assistant coach, I'm also the only coach, um uh, which has been a blast. Trying to get three, dude, they have these drills. I'm like, have y'all tried this with three and four-year-olds? Because it's a miracle to get them to look at me for five seconds, much less do this complicated drill. I'm like, we're doing red light, green light with soccer balls. That's what we're doing. Um, yeah, we're ha we're having fun. Uh that's the biggest thing. I think when youth youth sports, so I I coached a ton when I was when kids were young and then ran youth organizations, but I think one of the mistakes coaches, dad coaches make is they don't come with a plan. And um there's too much standing around. Yep. And so I think like one thing that really helped me when I was a young coach that uh wisdom people share with me is like kids love to compete, like the time them wherever they're going. Like, yeah, how fast I bet you can't get there to this, you know, this going and back, and all of a sudden they're sprinting and they're getting exercise. And you mean you want to I think a good coach too does the kid want to come back next year and play? Yeah. That's a great measurement of success. That's a good point. I I hope all of them do. Yeah, it's so funny. I'm like three and four-year-olds. It's I had one kid this week that cried because we have we have one kid on the team who is very like a lot better than any other kid in the league. He's on our team. They're not keeping score, but I mean, the ball kits four on four, and the ball kicks off, and he will dribble around everyone and score within five seconds every time. And we're like, hey, we're gonna work on bat. I'm like, I'll I told my wife, I'm like, I want this kid to know he's very good and that he's celebrated. And hey, you scoring's a very good thing. Like, keep this up. And also, hey, let's new challenge. Why don't you try to pass the ball once before like how many assists can you get? He he's counting goals. He walk up to me and he's going, I mean he's four years old counting his six goals. Double hat trick. His his mom's screaming, pass the ball. Okay, you scored enough, pass already. Oh my god. So funny. He's but yeah, I had a kid crying because the good, you know, the number 11 scored and the number seven didn't get the ball past him, and he's balling crying like this is chaos and a lot of fun for coaching three and four-year-olds. As you think, um, as you think about your uh your next whatever, 18 seasons ahead before the kids graduate the uh the the Carnes University and they get to the the the big leagues or college, wherever they're gonna go, whatever they decide to do. Um

Parenting For Adult Relationships

29:05

tell me the top two or three values that you and your wife um are gonna really focus on and think about what's important to you. Good question. We uh we wrote this down recently. So I'm actually I'm I'm pulling it up here so I don't I don't get it wrong. This is a good reminder that uh our north on our North Star, we want to have we stole this from someone else. We want to have adult children who want to be around us and each other whenever they no longer have to be. Um I thought that was so well said of again, like the the North Star is gonna be a relationship. We want to have a lifelong relationship with our kids, and we want them to be around us and with each other, even when they're adults and they no longer have to be. So that's gonna definitely be the filter of how we parent is not that we're just gonna let everything slide, we're gonna st we're gonna have rules and we're gonna instill discipline, but at the end of the day, we want a relationship with our kids, so we're not gonna let anything get in the way of that. Um how will you do that, you think? That's a really good question. Um, you know, we'll see as as specific stuff comes up, but uh like I'm I'm just not gonna let mistakes or even just horrible decisions or direct disobedience, like it will have consequences, but it's not gonna hurt the relationship. They're not gonna ever lose any love from us as parents. Um yeah, that's a good question. I don't think I've figured that out yet. Um, because it's only gonna get more complicated as they get older. It's a lot easier to say when they're three and nine months. Um so yeah, tell me. You've got older kids. I definitely have thoughts, but I wanted to hear your answer first. I um, you know, I have a 20-year-old and a almost 18-year-old. Yeah. And um uh we talk about that often. We've been talking about that a lot with my daughter, who's my son's in college, and I said, Hey, um, I said, I wish I had a closer relationship with my sister, your aunt. And I don't. And for whatever reasons, um, and I said, Well, you get family you don't choose, friends you choose. And um, so I you know, we just reminded her that and I said, You snap, doing a snap picture of yourself with a goofy face is not keeping in touch. Calling, calling your brother, that actually means picking up the phone and using this you hit this green button, and then what's weird is actually you can hear some of the other side, it's called talking, amazing technology. It's unbelievable. So I said, ask him about how's golf doing, how's college doing? Maybe then he'll start asking, hey Rai, how's how's ACL recovery doing? And I and I said, You your brother's he's older than you, so he's he's starting to do a little bit better job than you, and he should because he's older, got more life experience. But I would just say, hey, but they're both competitive kids. But I said, so maybe you should work on trying to do this better than he did when he was your age. He's like, and all of a sudden spark in her eye. But I think the biggest thing is that we did earlier that I mean, just I don't know, I don't I'm not saying this is perfect at all, but I think the thing that I know worked is we did not allow them to be a holes to each other. And we were like hardcore about that. Yeah. Um, I and we've had some friends that just said, oh, they're brothers, sisters. And I I disagree. I disagree with that because if you if we allow our kids to treat, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna drop an A bond, if they'll let our kids treat their brothers like complete assholes, well, then how do they know to differentiate or decipher when they go out in public? Totally fair. Or if they act like idiots at home when at dinner table, they're getting up down, up, down, up, down, up, down. And then why would it's not their fault when we go to restaurants? That's your fault, mom and dad. And one of my best pieces of advice that uh one of my buddies, shout out to Mike that said, listen, he said, he told me this piece of advice says, You are what you allow. And that just hit me in the face. I was like, oh, I love that. Nice now, you share that with leaders now. I'm if you listen, you it's on you, man. Yeah, you you let people show up five minutes late every day. Don't put them calling at me when everybody else start showing up five minutes late. You know, you let it slide, that's on you. 100%. So I don't those definitely help.

Curiosity And No Phones At Dinner

33:19

And I think just talking odd. You know, I think you mentioned we talk about curiosity. I'm I'm obsessed with curiosity. Um, it's a value that drives me in my life. I teach curiosity to companies. I have a and every email was stay curious. It just kind of happened like four or five years ago. I just stuck and now I'm I just love it. And because I think when you ask great questions and how you make people think, um, can change relationships in a heartbeat. It's a very human thing. I think curiosity has helped humans evolve, and that's what's led to new technology, new discoveries. Um yeah as a parent, that's really good because we've talked about like, hey, how can we have a relationship with our kids where they talk to us about hard things? Because I mean, God forbid, but it's eventually gonna happen that someone's gonna be mean to my kids, and you know, one of my kids is gonna get bullied, or you know, there's gonna be someone that's mean and rude. And when they have a hard day or hard situations, I want them to want to talk to us about it. You know, like I want to be a safe space for them to bring it up, and we've got to ask questions and be a family that talks. And we we have protected meal times. Um it's most days I'll say break was at the table if we're not trying to get out, you know, if or if I don't have an an early start or meeting, but like dinner is protected. And again, I know that'll change with with time and you know, after school sports and stuff like that, but like no phones at the table ever. Like, we're gonna have conversation even with our three-year-old. We're amazed how much she tells us about her day now that she can recount. I'm like, wow, that was very detailed. Like it just took a little bit of pulling. Um, and I and that's something we want to keep for I mean, for as they grow as they grow older, is let's have conversation together. Yeah, it's great. I think what you just said is I think a lot of people don't pull down to think about is that second third level question. Keep pulling, which is I I teach or I got taught and I share with others and I do it on my kids. Like, tell me more about that. Describe that's important to you. What else? That's the second and third that really you get the gold. You're so right. Even at this young age, I've been shocked with like if I ask a follow-up that I'll get more info. And I'm like, wow, I'm so like I didn't even know you could understand that second, third layer question, but they do. So yeah, that's a good, that's a good parenting tip. Um, if you think about I'm your your I'll call you your your rookie's rookie couple seasons. Yeah. I mean you just got some experience, but uh as you think about your your early dad game so far, that there's a if you could like self-reflect your watching film of Jake, you're like, man, this is an area of my dad game that I don't I know it's not where I want it to be. I can admit it, but I'm gonna work hard to that to to change this. I got some time left um that might impact you or it might impact the younger dad listening. Um I know mine's patience, so I can I can throw myself under the bus first. Um but tell me what comes comes to mind for you, Jake. Patience

Letting Go Of Perfect Clean

36:14

is a good one. I'll say I I can't put an adjective on it. I I am a lot more uh word that I hate mess, I hate disorder. How's that with toddlers? Um and I'm I'm also like I I I'm totally my my mom in this way. I am the cautious parent. I am the one who's like, you're gonna put a helmet on if we're gonna go on the bike outside. Like, even though I was a kid wearing a helmet, I'm like, no, please don't run down this cement hill. You could fall on faceplate and scrape your forehead. Um, I am like the oh, don't get all that out. You know, it's gonna be a mess to clean up later. I think I need to be more carefree, is what I've realized. It's like let kids be kids, let kids have fun, and not you know, not to an irresponsible level. Like, I'm still gonna be the responsible parent. That that part will stay, but um, my wife has said to me it several times if hey, she's a kid, you know, like let's let's let her be a kid. And I'm like, okay, like in fact, I think I did this well yesterday. I had to remind myself that this is okay, I'll clean it up after they go to bed. Like, we make our kids clean up stuff, but it's just like ah, I'm gonna get 20, 30 more minutes hanging out if we leave this year for a little bit before you go to bed, and I'm gonna be awake for three more hours. I can take 15 minutes and pick it up after you go down. Um, so yeah, I think I just need to be more carefree. I think carefree is the wrong word, but does that make sense? Uh dude, you did you like have a film of me when I was your age raising kids? I had the same challenge. Yeah. I went to the same thing you just talked about, and my wife sometimes like, hey, case, chill out, dude. And once I learned that you can't when you when you if you have these, if you have unrealistic, unrealistic expectations in your head of how things are gonna go for the day, how things how clean it's gonna be, yeah, you're just asking for a shit show. Yep. You're asking for stress and frustration. But if you just like it's not carefree, it's just like it's like be flexible and realize that there's so much of what we do that's not in our control anymore. But what we do control is how we show up, our attitude, the love we provide, the the laughter we're creating. Um like we those are the memories we want when we are kids, you know. And if they get hurt, they fall down, they're gonna be okay. You know, it's not like you're teaching your kids the evil and you know, jump over the bridge. Right. But I think it's awesome you said that, man. I think there's it's I mean, as you're saying that you're coaching yourself, yeah, you know, and sometimes we say these things out loud, it's like makes total sense. But sometimes it's hard to do, you know? It is hard because then I'm like, ah, you know, if I have to clean this up, then that's you know, 20 more minutes that I'm not gonna get with Addy tonight before we go to bed. And like, am I choosing my kids over my marriage? And I'm like, it's it it's none of that. You know, I I think it it's balance, right? It's flexibility, it's balance. Like, I'm not gonna let she's old enough to clean up after herself. So I'm like, I'm not just gonna let her destroy her house and go to bed every night and be clean up after her. But hey, if she gets something out that you know, we played with and then she wants to go outside. Like last night she got something out in her room, and then she wanted to go outside and said, Hey, can we go play soccer outside? I'm like, Yes, that sounds awesome. Like, let's go. And so instead of cleaning that up, we went and played outside for I'm like, this is a small mess. This is I'm like coaching myself of I can pick this up, you know, while she's taking a bath, this'll be okay. And we had the best little evening. It was it was like a great day with her yesterday, and we ran around outside for an hour, and I was like, that was a lot of fun. I'm I'm glad we had that extra time. So I see the benefits of it. It's just, you know, I I need to be a little more careful. Flexible. Uh yeah. Yeah. Well, you're uh these are your words, man,

Chick-fil-A Lessons And Going Solo

40:03

not mine. So I'm glad that you're you're realizing it. Again, I I know I I went through that uh when my kids were younger. Um tell me, how did you get um so I I sarcastically in your intro said you were the maybe you made the Chick-fil-A sauce. I'm guessing you didn't, but I did not make the Chick-fil-a sauce, no. I did I did work there for 10 years. I it was my first job as a teenager um here in Metro Atlanta. I felt like it was everyone's first job, and I was determined for it not to be my first job. I applied to three golf courses. I played golf in high school for the school, thought that was a shoe-in for an easy summer job and easy after school job, and none of them called me back. And uh bills were coming as far as car insurance and car payment stuff went. So I reluctantly applied to Chick-fil-A and was working within two weeks. They were very fast. Um, so I I stayed a long time, I enjoyed it. I changed my major, I changed my career because of Chick-fil-A, had some amazing leaders who poured into me. Um yeah, I worked for seven years at the restaurant and then three years at the corporate office here in Atlanta. So that was a goal and a dream of mine. Once I figured out I could have a career at Chick-fil-A and got to go do that for three years, and now I still work very closely with individual Chick-fil-A franchises and with uh both people that I work with there at the corporate office still, which is very cool. Tell me what was the um driver for you to go out on your own? Yeah, so one a little bit of failure. Um I had applied for a couple of roles as like promotions at the corporate office, and one of them felt like it was a good fit and wanted, and one of them I really, really, really wanted. And got told no for both roles after getting through like all the rounds of interviews and uh Chick-fil-A, the support center, that the corporate office is extremely uh they take talent very seriously, and the process takes a long time. So that was like six months for each role of going through an interview process and getting told no, which sucked. Um so I had a great leader at Chick-fil-A who had asked me, Hey, take a take away all job descriptions, take away all the roles, what would be your dream job? And I kind of described what I do now, which is you know, if I could work with individual business owners, like for Chick-fil-A, like Chick-fil-A operators, and um help them bring the best out of their teams and and learn how to build the best team possible and people are the most complex, expensive, and difficult part of every organization. If I can help them figure that out um for the support, that would be amazing if I can just help operators figure out their talent. So I decided to try to do it for myself and see if I could still work with you know with Chick-fil-A clients, which I have and and not Chick-fil-A clients, which is great. I feel like it makes me well rounded, um, but I still get to stay connected to a brand I love. So it was a little bit of getting told no for something I really wanted mixed with this desire I had for what did I want to do and could I take a leap and and try to do it for myself? And I've been able to do that successfully so far. Good for you, ma'am. Appreciate it. I don't when I I I did not mean to get into coaching um or executive coaching or training. I did not even mean to do this. I knew I wanted to write a book, I knew I wanted to start a podcast, and then this this failed me, but it's it's been a calling, ma'am. It has been it's so rewarding, and um, I'm glad our paths crossed because I love connecting with other people that help organizations we can can't help everybody, and I'm a my I'm a mindset of abundance, so I've referred tons of work to other people. That's really cool, man. Let me ask you this. I have landed on if even now, like if my if I could craft my dream job, I think that I would write and do a podcast. If I could make enough to fund the life I want to have and just do those two things, that's all I would do full time. Have you have you? You enjoyed writing the book or doing the podcast that much? Um, yeah, because I wrote the book and then um podcasts is just I just keep my goal is to keep doing episodes. And I mean I've been very fortunate to interview some. You mentioned Mike Holmgren earlier. I mean, interviewing him was a just a pinch me moment. But then I thought I there's a believe sign behind me, which reminds me that I believe what I do matters. And um I ask my clients all the time, so like why wouldn't I go speak? So I I but I also love speaking at corporate events because like gives me that feeling of playing quarterback still when you're looking in the huddle. Um and then the coaching element, it's it's like, you know, again, I mentioned in the I'm I'm a I'm an ARP candidate now, age 50, and uh I've had my time in corporate success, and now it's fun to just see other people have success. Um and I get so much joy out of seeing people learn things that took me too long to learn, and if I can help them learn it quicker, then I feel like I'm helping the the world to be a better spot. That's awesome.

Writing Reading And Better Questions

45:05

Yeah, I think the reason I love the podcast and it sounds like you feel the same, is just getting to I honestly selfishly interview really cool people and get to ask them the questions that I want to ask. Because I know you I know you showed me your script before we got started. Um I make an interview guide, but I tell every guest at the top end of like, hey, I've I've prepped an interview guide, like I've done my research on you, but my best episodes are I start with, hey, tell me a little bit about yourself, tell me your story, and then I use none of the questions that I prep and we just run from there. And I've like those are the best episodes. Um, so I mean, selfishly, I I just love talking to cool people and learning from them myself. Even if no one listens. I well I get free therapy out of every I get free dad therapy out of every yeah, absolutely. Um yeah, that's a that's a win. So I'm like, if I could do that full time, there's my next stream job. If I could just write books and like I'd love to write fiction. I wrote a nonfiction book, but I'd love to write fiction. That sounds like a lot of fun. Good question. I I don't know. At first I thought like a murder mystery would be really cool, but I am like I love good storytellers. Um I think Christopher Nolan's one of the best storytellers in the world. Um, I think Pixar on point had some of the best storytellers in the world. Um I feel like they've fallen off a little bit. But if I can tell a good story that has some meaning and tugs in the heartstrings, um I think that's really cool when people do that well. I read a lot of fiction a lot more than I used to. I used to think reading fiction was a waste of time. Um because I was I didn't love reading and I felt like if I'm gonna take time to listen to something or read something, it's gotta be nonfiction, gotta be self-help, gotta be a leadership, gotta be something. Now I've built a really strong reading habit and I read for fun and I've read a lot. I mean, fiction writers are way better writers than nonfiction writers for the most part. And so I'm like, I feel like I'm reading really good writing, which makes me a better writer and I'm being entertained. I'd love to do that. I don't know exactly what I want to write about, but I'd want to tell a good story. Yeah, I love reading too, ma'am. Um, I read a lot of nonfiction. I like stories. I'm actually reading a book right now about Holocaust, which is called The Hiding Place by Corey Temboom. Dude, it's it's very story-like I mean nonfiction. It it's like it just it can't even I can't even relate what people went through. It just makes it just breaks my heart. Those are the best nonfiction books are when good storytellers write a nonfiction book, because they're just retelling something that happened. Um I mean, my to read list that I would categorize as history, just like something that happened, is 40 books deep write of of stories I want to read about that happen. Um yeah, like I I read the Steve Jobs biography. Have you read that by Walter Eisenberg? It's amazing. He is a phenomenal writer. Um yeah, it's the way he tells I mean that book five or six hundred pages long, I feel like, and it is I mean, I couldn't put it down. Like just the way he tells the story is phenomenal. Um and then I feel like you're getting lessons from people who did really cool things, you know. Success leaves clues, Jacob. That's right. You're right about that. That's well said. Um, all right.

The Present Dad Takeaways

48:13

If uh you were to summarize what we talked about today in a couple of of words, a couple values that that we could summarize what we talked about that dads could take from our episode, our conversation, to really work on their own game to be that ultimate quarterback or leader of their household. Jacob, tell me what comes to mind. I think time is the great equalizer and be present with your kids, have fun. Like you said, they're always watching. Um, they might not remember everything you said, but they'll remember if you were there or not. And that's something I definitely got from my dad and other dads that are in my circle is be present, and I have reorganized my life around that. Um, I am I mentioned I'm extremely driven, I'm extremely competitive. I was on this, you know, war path to climb the corporate ladder, and I'm gonna be the CEO of Chick-fil-A one day and all this stuff. And I remember having our daughter and holding her in the hospital and being unmotivated to do anything else other than other than be with her. I was like, in a sense, work no longer mattered, and I didn't care. And I've you know I've swung back on that, and I I like what I do, and I'm gonna make an impact, but it added some perspective, man. If I was like, whatever's gonna prevent me from being with her is about to get cut out of my life. And I'm like, okay, realistic. I can't just quit my job and be a full-time dad. Um, as much as I'd love that. Uh but it it completely I had no idea the stronghold that work and other things had on my life until we had my daughter, and um be present with your kids and let them have fun. 30-year-old wisdom, everybody. Mic drop from Jacob Tarnes, that a boy.

Where To Find Jacob And His Book

49:59

Um, if people want to find you, what's the easiest way people can find you? Yeah, would love to connect on LinkedIn. Um, I'm Jacob Parnes with a K. I I wrote a book called Master Your First Job. If you're a dad and you've got kids that are high school or college age, I think it's a great fit. I'd love to give it to you for free. You can go to masteryourfirstjob.com slash free, and you can get that ebook for free. If you want a physical copy, um, I like physical books. Uh, there's there's a link to buy one on there as well. But if you want it for free, uh there's even instructions. I'll email you instructions of how to download it to your Kindle. It's masteryourfirstjob.com slash free. Sweet. I'll make I want to make sure that's linked in the show notes, Jacob. Hopefully we can send some people your way. Absolutely. Um I'll make sure you're linked in the show notes so people can find it easily. We'll share this up so it'll LinkedIn and Instagram, everybody.

Lightning Round And Farewell

50:50

Um, it's now time to go into the lightning round, Jacob, where I show you the negative hits of taking too many hits in college, not bong hits, but football hits. All right. Your job is to answer these questions as quickly as you can, and my job is to try to get a giggle out of you. Okay. Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay. Uh, true or false, you went to Western Governor University on a curling scholarship. False. Um, if you were to enter a rodeo event, you would ride bareback. False. I have no idea why I asked you that. Uh favorite book you've ever read is Atomic Habits. Okay, there we go. If you were to go to Augusta, I see the Masters towel behind you. If you were to go play Augusta, uh tell me what hole you'd be most excited to play. 12. Oh, the R3. Golden Bell, yeah. Have you been to the Masters? I have. 2024. It was best day ever. I can't wait. It's I I tell people I'm playing, they're like, how are you gonna get on? I'm like, I don't know yet. I don't know yet. That's right. I would love to go there with my son, too, because he's a college golfer, it'd be amazing. Best day ever. Favorite comedy movie of all time is oh, comedy movie. I don't watch the uh okay. Bad okay, hey, solid. Solid. If there was to be a book written about your life, tell me the title. Oh man. This is where I'm like trying to have some humidity. I I would hope it would be something like the present dad, you know. I don't know. Um again, my that has completely changed from where it was four years ago. I would have said something about the I don't know, some something about a leader, what I've accomplished, and now I just want to be known for how it was a husband and dad. Love it, ma'am. Okay, so we're gonna call it the present dad. There you go. Now selling out everywhere. We're gonna make a movie out of it. Netflix bought the rights. You are the casting director. I need to know who's gonna star Jacob Carnes in this critically acclaimed hit new movie on Netflix. Who's gonna play you? Can we do some de-aging? Brad Pitt. Do everything you want. Um, I just love Brad Pitt. I don't think he's had a bad role. So I'd love to see him play me. Solid. Okay, and then last question. Tell me two words that would describe your wife. Beautiful and kind. Uh she is she is a gentle spirit. Love it, man. Lightning round's complete. Um, I am completely random and have a screw loose and ask weird questions, but that's what makes this thing fun. I did get a good giggle out of them. Jacob, it's been an honor having you on, man. I'm grateful our path to frost, and I'm grateful to uh have learned more about you and I'm excited to share your story, what you the work you do, uh, your mindset. I think it's going to impact a lot of dads out there. Um, but I appreciate you spending time with me today. And um, we'll make sure that people can go out and get that book to masteryourfirstjob.com, everybody. Go pick up a copy. Um, and uh let's support Jacob. Appreciate you, brother. Thanks, Casey.