Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
312 - FiVe Puffs
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This week's show features...
FYYPOS
Thyler's Top 5
I'm too retarded to host this show. And not saying a lot.
SPEAKER_06The following filth is a production of the Farmat University Kip Chip and the Dorf Department. Thank you for listening. The same people that see God and Ghosts believe in every AI thing on their feet. Fuck you guys. Stop sending me AI shit. If there's a single point oh one percent chance that it's AI, don't send it to me. Like off of a feed or something. You know, I hate that shit. A bird pops out of a tree and magically it has the most symmetrical and insane design that it's making out of its wings. That's clearly not real, mom. Stop sending me this shit. It's a real quick fuck you piece of shit to mom. The mom player still the deal from me. She did send that to me. She did send that to me.
SPEAKER_07Look how pretty the bird is. She did send that to me, but she admitted it was AI.
SPEAKER_06She knew it was AI.
SPEAKER_02It's fine if they know and they're like, but but it's cool. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of what it turned into. Because sometimes an AI video will be really funny. Yeah. And I'm like, if I sent this to somebody, I wouldn't feel bad. And if somebody sent this to me, I would still laugh, you know? Yeah. Like the one I saw the other day with the fat guy falling through the porch delivering an Amazon package. Yeah, that's pretty good. Porch collapses. God damn it, that video still makes me laugh so hard.
SPEAKER_06If that's all AI was, I'd be down. For a giggle. I'd be down. If it was all shits and gigs, dude, we're cool.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Everything else about AI is the most atrocious shit of all time, and I hate it. But anyway.
SPEAKER_02I agree. Welcome everyone to Farm Out Podcast. A show whose hosts like their fetuses like they like their ice cream. Scooped out.
SPEAKER_07You said it was a cute one.
SPEAKER_02What? Cheeky little one-liner. Whatever, dude. Those are some really little cheeks. They were. Every week we do a few rotating sections to make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm we're gonna get right out into the show. I'll tell you what, dude. Yeah. I challenged myself. I thought I have 45 seconds to write a top five, and I wrote one. Oh fuck. Okay. It's not bad. It's not the worst one. We can do that first or second. It's up to you. What segment do you want to do?
SPEAKER_06Uh this is funny. Let's do that second so that you have to judge yourself from like 40 minutes ago. I like that.
SPEAKER_02I like that a lot. As a matter of fact, we're gonna get on into our first segment of the show, and it's called Fuck you, you PS! We're mad at stuff.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_06I I wanna go first on this one though, because I got a quick hitter. You have two?
SPEAKER_02I do.
SPEAKER_06I have two.
SPEAKER_02I have two as well.
SPEAKER_06We both have a quick hitter. We both have a quick hitter, then do your quick hitter first and then I'll do my quick hitter second. Hell yeah, dude. Okay. So so I I go and pick up the the kid three three days a week.
SPEAKER_02You have a kid?
SPEAKER_06And I guess I go and pick up the child three days a week. And I uh so I go to pick her up yesterday, and she gets in the week, you know, I go in, I get her to bring her out and fucking put her in the car seat. Uh she's almost to boost her seat size, luckily, and uh toss her in that fucking thing, buckle her in, get in my side. She starts talking to me about her day and stuff, and uh, I'm asking her, you know, how shit went. And uh she has this little pink phone that's like a kid phone. It's got games and it's got a camera, it's got all kinds of shit. But it's like it's akin to like the technology of a Nokia phone in 2002, you know? Right, right. Uh so it's like a $50 Amazon phone, you know, and maybe not even, it might be cheaper than that. And she uh she's fucking playing on it. I hear it like beeping and booping, and uh and then just out of nowhere, she starts getting like a Twitter feed on there.
SPEAKER_02I never becomes it's AI Mega now. It's AI of like all of a sudden she's back there like D I L.
SPEAKER_06It's AOC getting fucking getting getting the bullet that that one chick got on January 6th instead, or whatever. Um, so uh fucking uh God, I can't remember that bitch's name. But anyway, she uh no, I out of nowhere behind me, because I haven't turned on any music or anything. It's only a few minutes from her daycare to hear so like it's it's very short. Plus, she if I turn anything on, she's gonna request a specific song and it's gonna be either Chapel Roan or Fox say uh yes, some shit like that. And it's fine, like it's fine once in a while, but I don't want to hear Pink Pony Club every fucking time I pick her up, you know? That's true. So I uh uh it's a it's not a bad song, and I don't want to burn it out for myself, right? So I fucking uh out of nowhere behind me in the silence, she starts we stopped talking for a second, there's a lull in the convo, and I just hear this boop boop boop with that interval, dude. I'm in an episode of 24. Just out of nowhere, dude. I'm Jack Bauer. I need to save the president right now. Yeah, you think there's a bomb? Just out of nowhere, dude. And so my fuck you piece of shit is the company that made this fucking phone. Why do you need a fucking timer on a child's phone? Like an alarm timer that fucking beeps every second. Why do you need that? Why does a child need that? Put a stopwatch on it, put put an alarm on it. That's fine. But just where you set the time to an hour from now or whatever, right, and it goes off. That's cool. But why does it have to beep each second? That's fucking insane. I feel like I need to be hunting terrorists down.
SPEAKER_02Is it like a screen time kind of thing where it's like you've been staring at this for too long, I'm gonna beep annoyingly until you stop?
SPEAKER_06No, no, no, I don't think so. It's an alarm. It's like a it's like this weird countdown alarm that beeps for every second. I think since it's a kid's phone, it's like showing them the passing of time. I I don't understand. That's what I'm saying. That's why I'm mad. That's why they're a piece of shit that deserves this fuck you. Is why the fuck is that on there? You should have used that space to make a cooler game. All of your games suck, dude. There's only like two games on there worth playing. And one of them is a math game that like kids wouldn't like.
SPEAKER_02Is there snake?
SPEAKER_06Uh no, I don't think so. I don't think it has I don't think so. It might have snake. I'm not sure. I don't remember. It has uh like the thing where the it has like Pong basically, but it's not Pong. It's like you know, different themes of Pong. Interesting. It's uh it's got like a blockbreaker thing. I was gonna hope there was a blockbreaker game. It's okay. I mean, it's alright, dude. It's you would say it's I it's worth 10 minutes.
SPEAKER_02Like maybe 10 minutes. Nothing has made me want to smoke weed again more than the idea of playing a blockbreaker game.
SPEAKER_06Just melting and playing a blockbreaker game.
SPEAKER_02Dude, I want to eat like way too much edibles and just be like, I will be playing Brick Break 2 on the iPhone for the next eight hours.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I bet they have them on the Switch.
SPEAKER_02I bet. I bet, yeah. I still my box at the new house with all my Xbox and Switch stuff is still sitting on the floor waiting to be unpacked. Yeah. But uh, I haven't been playing console games at all. But you know, this brick break idea, I'm intrigued now. That's good. I'm gonna be going home thinking about this now.
SPEAKER_06Dude, I have I have, as you know, as everyone knows, I have a bit of the anxiety. So hearing hearing this fucking clock ticking behind me, this beeping behind me, just it sent me into a fucking spasm of like, I can't, I can't have that. You gotta turn that the fuck off. Yeah, that was. I was like, hey, can you turn that off? And she was like, Why? I was like, because it's annoying as shit. Um I usually don't. Whatever she's doing, because a lot of times it's just little kid songs, because they also have those preloaded on the phone. Please tune it out, and it's one guy has recorded all of the kids' songs himself. It sounds like a 70-year-old man who just has a folk band and they recorded all of the songs themselves, and it's weird. It's weird that he how is that your profession? How do you end up on all the kid devices? That's a weird lot in life. Yeah, it is. But uh anyway, that's not nearly as annoying as the fucking beeping, dude. I couldn't, it was the first time I've ever been like, turn that off. You can't fucking have that happen. And she has fucking uh uh a DVD player in her mom's car where it's like whatever DVDs happen to be in this old bag, and it's got they got veggie tales, so there's like Jesus songs happening behind me sometimes. They go hard, and she doesn't know about she doesn't really know about Jesus, she only knows from veggie tales and shit, like anything about him. She's never been to church or nothing, but she's like someone brought him up one time, I forget why, and she was like, Oh yeah, Jesus. I was like, What do you know about Jesus?
SPEAKER_02For all she knows he could be a kumquat.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, she was like, I I know Jesus, you don't fucking know Jesus, shut up. I heard about it from a tomato, yeah, from an eggplant, from a stalk of broccoli.
SPEAKER_02That would be a black church, the eggplant.
SPEAKER_06Move it on move on up, you know? Hell yeah, dude. Those that's the best church, that's the only church worth attending, honestly.
SPEAKER_02That is canon on this show. We love black churches. Um, yeah. My little quick hitter, fuck you piece of shit. I recently took a trip to StL Mo.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Yes. Home of Nelly and the Cardinals.
SPEAKER_06That's what if Breaking Bad was set in St. Louis, that's what Jesse Pinkman would call it.
SPEAKER_02Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was uh I was snorting chili pea in STL Mo. Um also home of Anheuser Busch, big fan. Fuck yeah, big fan. Shout out Budweiser, big fan. Um and there was a few things that got on that that ground ground ground my gears. My gears were ground a little bit here and there. But uh the the main thing, the main crux of this is, and I've talked about this a lot, but the fucking headlights, man. You got if you live in any area that would be considered city-like, you have absolutely no reason to turn your bright lights on ever. Ever. There's constantly light everywhere you go. That's the whole thing about cities, is they're fucking lit up. Stop turning your fucking bright lights on when you're behind me or coming at me. I've been blinded no less than 30,000 fucking times in the last like month. And it was no more prevalent than it was in I'm going down babyland. I was on Oak Street with a Range Rover, yeah, flashing his fucking bright lights in my rearview mirror, blinding me while I'm going down the fucking road. It was driving me bonkers, dude. I had headaches the whole time at nighttime while I was there because people were fucking with my shit. Yeah. That drives me up a fucking wall.
SPEAKER_06You were revved up like a douche.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I was.
SPEAKER_01You were blinded by the light. I was, yeah. You know what I mean? Yep, I do. Rush.
SPEAKER_07Big fan. I don't think that's rush.
SPEAKER_02It is rush.
SPEAKER_06Isn't that rush? Yes. It's a Springsteen written song. It's Rush. What is what's his name? Did it? Man, man something. It's gotta be Rush. It's not Rush.
SPEAKER_07Blinded by the Light.
SPEAKER_06No, that's not Rush. That's that's uh Mansford Man. Is that his name? Something like Manford Man, something like that. Anyway, keep going. I'm pretty sure it's Rush. What what particular it's the people with their brights on when they shouldn't have it on.
SPEAKER_02Oh, all of them collectively. It's fucking retarded, dude. The Missouri folk that just everyone in the goddamn world that has their bright lights on when they don't need them. You need to be hammered over the head with a fucking uh frozen trout. That should be the punishment. I hadn't decided what the punishment was yet because obviously the first thing that came to mind was execution. That's a little too good. Hang them from the arch. Hang them high. Uh yeah, from the arch. That's hilarious. Swaying in the fucking wind. What a gay monument, by the way.
SPEAKER_07Look, they start on the ground and they meet in the sky.
SPEAKER_02I feel like there should be a big man's hand on either side of that thing, just gaping it with a fucking with a wedding ring on the finger. We gotta use that. We gotta use that. It's the goatsey of my oh, for the gatekeeper thing. Yeah, if we ever have a St. Louis show, bro. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_07Holding the gate. That is going to come. And then Photoshop Hell in the fucking arch, dude.
SPEAKER_02Hell is a Budweiser factory. Just a Budweiser fucking factor.
SPEAKER_07And Hunter Bush facility on fire.
SPEAKER_02That's great. Dude. Oh man. Oh, I want to play a fucking St. Louis show so bad now. I will sell my fucking third kidney for that shit. Yeah, I hadn't decided on a punishment. I think uh whacked over the head with a frozen trout, you know. A pretty big one.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Like a like a trophy. Like this, the one a one that you would uh stuff and mouth on the wall big, a largeness of a trout. Freeze it, yeah, grab it by the tail, swing it with all your might. With those big long gloves on. Like Albert Pooh holes. Yeah. Because he's a he was a St. Louis cardman. He was.
SPEAKER_06Oh, yeah, yeah. True, true, true, true, true.
SPEAKER_02Hit him over the head with a trout. Throw him off day.
SPEAKER_06Another execution method would be throw him off the back of the fucking feet of the stadium, the baseball stadium. Bush Stadium. Bush Stadium? Yeah. Yeah. I forgot it was Morgan Waller after the beer company that owns the entire goddamn city, evidently.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. That city is literally just Bush, Cardinals, Nelly. That's it.
SPEAKER_06Nelly has not been musically relevant for 20 years, dude.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but like he's he's like almost 20 years. He's like Mozart, you know? I'll always be relevant.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, I'm trying to think of a way to hip hop Yotzart. Alright, Mozart. God damn it. I said my thing again. Uh I'm trying to figure out how to hip hop Mozart. I don't know. I can't. Beethoven and it's B-A-E.
SPEAKER_02Alright. Uh yeah. Bach! Bac of Baca Flocka Flame. Shit, dog. Bac of Locka Flame. Goes hard in the paint.
SPEAKER_06Oh my goodness. Go hard in the paint. I can't even talk right. Droatsart.
SPEAKER_02Not bad. There we go. Something like that. Dopesart. Yeah. Blown Droatsart. Pass the L on the back of the limbotes art.
SPEAKER_06I'm shooting ropes art, dude. Ropes art.
SPEAKER_08It's awesome.
SPEAKER_06Ropes art sounds like uh like a children's art playset where it's like you make ropes out of the whatever the fuck material that's in there. Ropes art. Where you you thread them, you thread ropes. It's ropes art.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, dog. Well, it's like uh light bright. Million dollar idea, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. A million-dollar idea that many people have made millions of dollars off of because it's been a thing for a while.
SPEAKER_02And then when you're at the toy store buying ropes art for your kid, you'll be like, yeah, shooting ropes is what got me here in the first place.
SPEAKER_06Should have ropes shot it on our titties, but here I am. I shot all the ropes inside where I couldn't.
SPEAKER_00I looked to watch it drip out, so now I'm here. Fucking idiot. My toys are us at the mall buying ropes art for this gay kid.
SPEAKER_02Uh ropes art. The only other thing about the trip was uh fuck you, you piece of shit to the Red Roof Inn. Oh you are catfishing liars, your pictures are bullshit, the hotel room is a hellhole. Um, and there's a retard on the interstate that changed lanes without using his turn signal. So we I was three quarters of the way into the lane from changing lanes, and he was one quarter into my lane changing lanes without a turn signal and almost slammed into me. Fucking shitbird. Uh huh. Chill out. Yeah. So fuck that guy. Fuck that guy. And also fuck you, piece of shit, two gas stations for selling charger bricks for $20. That's retarded. That's insane. They're four cents on Amazon. Kill yourself. The fuck, dude.
SPEAKER_06That fucking markup, that desperation markup sucks.
SPEAKER_02Dude, the margins on charger bricks.
SPEAKER_06Unbelievable. Yeah. That's what we need to drop ship is the charger bricks. No kidding, bro. For 20 bucks.
SPEAKER_02We could come up with a system where it's like, I will deliver a charging brick to your hotel room in 45 minutes or less, or your money back. God damn, dude. It's like a 4,000% markup. Like uh a Chinese kid assembled that for four cents.
SPEAKER_06Right, yeah. Uh goddam. Oh my god. It's like Grubhub or whatever the fuck, but not Grubhub. The one of the ones, you know.
SPEAKER_02Grubhub is a one of the ones. It is? Okay. Um Grubhub, DoorDash.
SPEAKER_06DoorDash, yeah.
SPEAKER_02There's there's either alliteration or rhyming in all of those gay apps. Yeah, you're right. You're right. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_06They gotta have that to fucking pull you in.
SPEAKER_02That's my little quink hatter, dude. Oh, yeah. That's my bun.
SPEAKER_06My next one that is.
SPEAKER_02Laid a bunt down on the third bass line.
SPEAKER_06My uh my second one is really the doozy. The dooy. The doocey. Uh the loosey-goosey-doosy. Uh so I have a friend. This is about his job. This is not about my job. It's not about my work. This has nothing to do with my workplace. Okay. So just so you know, this is from a friend, and I'm getting mad vicariously through him.
SPEAKER_02This is the thing that you messaged me about the other day that you were like, this is uh we have to do fuck you piece of shit because of this.
SPEAKER_06It may be, yes. He had just told me this whole story. Yeah, right. Ready to hear it. Not about my job. Again, not definitely not. Uh so fuck you piece of shit. My friend's workplace for the way they hired the new guy. Okay. So I I just have bullet points because there's so many, and you're gonna ask questions, and I'm gonna and I'll I'll have told the whole story. Okay. I first found out that we were that this guy's work was hiring someone. Uh I just I I first found out about this the other day, and like, or like a week before, well, a week and a half before this person was set to start at my friend's workplace. Uh, and so it was like not a lot of notice. And it's a position that has been empty for I don't know, a year. Okay, damn near it. So like it's like, what the fuck? Like, we're trucking right along with what we're doing. Uh oh yeah, they yeah, they they are trucking. I'm speaking through him. So if I accidentally say we, I'm speaking through you've put yourself in this guy.
SPEAKER_02Let's say his name is Drake.
SPEAKER_06Right, sure, sure, sure, sure.
SPEAKER_02We you've put yourself in Drake's body, right? You're inside Drake.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. I'm Drizzy. So uh, so only found out about it a week and a half. It's like, huh, okay, whatever. I mean, I guess, you know, we're assuming things are gonna like really, really ramp up some or something, you know. Maybe like business is about to be booming.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so this is a position that's only really needed when the times are really I would assume.
SPEAKER_06Gotcha. Based on what my friend was saying. So uh the the fucking he's gonna start on the Monday. The Friday before that, the IT guy walks in with a fucking big ass box. He walks in.
SPEAKER_02You know how I know this friend isn't me? It's because I would be the IT guy and I would never walk anywhere with a box. Right. Sorry. Go ahead. Yeah, good call. I got guys for that now.
SPEAKER_06Nice. You got hitters for that. So if so, yeah, the guy walks in, IT guy. IT guy's great. Always like them. Great guy. This is my friend speaking. He's always like Drake is always like the IT guy. Always like the IT guy. Great guy. He walks in with his fucking box. It's a big box. And uh, of course, everyone's like, there's three or four people in the room. We're like, yo, what is that? And he goes, It's a Mac.
SPEAKER_05Oh.
SPEAKER_06And we're like, wait, like an eye like an iMac? Like a fucking real Mac? And he's like, yeah. It's for the new guy. And we're all like, and we're all we all turn to our computers. My my friend told me this. That he and everyone turned toward their computer and they were like, hmm. When they looked at their computer, because their computer is from like, you know, probably seven or eight years ago. Like it was bought. Like it was definitely not bought in the last two, three, four years. It was this is like a while back purchase, right? It's aged. Everyone looks at their shit and they're like, hmm. Except for this dude's boss has uh has had his shit upgraded relatively recently, but it was only because it was needed to function, right?
SPEAKER_02Right. It it had uh the operating system was too old on it.
SPEAKER_06Yep, it had shit the bed, couldn't run the new stuff, new drive, new uh I think video card, my friend said. Uh something, not video card, the other one. The uh uh uh yeah, video card for uh illustrator and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So anyway, fucking so that happens, and everyone's like, what the fuck? In front of the IT guy, kind of stupidly, my friend admitted, uh, that it was kind of stupid to kind of like air a grievance a little bit in front of the IT guy who really only has contact with the the big, big boss man.
SPEAKER_02My friend said, because this is outsourced IT, I would assume.
SPEAKER_06Yes, it's like he comes in when we need him, yeah. And so my friend said, so uh, so then you know, we're we all kind of do that, but apparently we didn't hear about it again, so we're assuming the IT guy kept her confidence on it. The IT guy was like, Well, it was approved by the the higher up, so and we were like, Yeah, that's the fucking problem, dog. Like that, why? That's fucking nuts. He gets a brand new Mac. That's crazy. Why, like, come on, dog, you gotta see that having him come in while everyone is there is stupid. Have the dude come in when we're not there, like this shit could have been done on Saturday when we weren't there.
SPEAKER_02Give the new one to the people that have been there forever and then hand me down the older one.
SPEAKER_06But we all like my friend and his coworkers uh have like PCs, they don't have these. Oh, you don't need a Mac. So and also, so so here's where we're getting into why this is stupid, right? Okay. Uh or why, I mean, I'm I'm being harsh with my language, but why, you know, my friend said it was stupid. But uh just why this was maybe a short-sighted decision that had not had enough research behind it to figure out if this was gonna work or not. Gotcha. Right? Not only with working with a team of people, but also in general, because my friend's company uses Gerber software, and Gerber software don't run on No Mac no more.
SPEAKER_02Oh, they must be like a baby formula place.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah, right.
SPEAKER_02You know, like they got the Gerber grow up plan.
SPEAKER_06Like Gerber graphic software. Um it's actually no one uses it much anymore. It's one of the lesser-known ones anymore because there's a bunch that have come up that are actually more functional and better for what for what my friend is doing. But anyway, so uh you have to get this proprietary software, my friend said. He looked it up and it's called Parallels, which is $80 a year to run Windows on your Mac. And you have to like cordon off part of your Mac's hard drive that now this is Windows. This is running Windows, and the rest of it is the Mac as you know it, is what I got from it. That's the layman's is from what I got from my friend's research, right? Uh, and then yeah, then you install the Gerber software onto that Windows operating system almost like an like you're emulating the Windows operating system on a Mac. It's weird. Anyway, most people don't do it. It's rare that anyone does this, right? Yeah, am I right? Like no one fucking does that.
SPEAKER_02It's so uh a lot of the times when you have a Mac, you will have parallels on it because there are certain applications that only run on Windows, but it's like just get a fucking PC. You know what I mean? Yeah, because like there are very few applications that are so much like if you're an audio engineer and you like to work in logic, buy a fucking Mac. But that's the only thing you use it for. Right. You can browse the web, you can download movies, whatever. You can do the typical shit, but like unless you're editing fucking feature-length films in whatever video thing that Mac does. I don't know the the video thing that Mac does. Final cut, maybe maybe, I don't know. But I know logic. I know we know people that prefer logic and use a Mac because of that.
SPEAKER_06Ten years ago it was Final Cut on the Mac. It could be something different now. I have no idea.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't know. Everybody that I know that edits videos uses fucking Sony uh Premiere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a Windows application. If you want to run it on a Mac, you'd have to run it in a VM, which is basically what parallels is. You're basically just running Windows in a VM. If you were on Linux, like our gay friend Nick, and you wanted to run a Windows application, you have to download an application called Wine. Let's let you run Windows applications on a Linux. All these gay, retarded people that are like, I'm gonna do something different, end up having to download proprietary extra bullshit that costs money because they can't fucking run the applications that they need without Windows. I'm sorry, it's a monopoly. Get used to it, dude. Pasco, collect $200, spend it on a computer. Right. Um, but yes, so it it it is a fairly common thing, but it's retarded.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. So now this this purchase, my friend said, of the Mac is like like people that have been at this place for a long time have seen like it get complained about that company money was spent on tape measures, or it get complained about that company money was spent on uh or just not spending company money on like a Pantone book, my friend said, which is kind of how customers relay what they want, like what colors they want their shit to be, and you really need it, and you need it to be up to date so that it matches what the customer's seeing. It just kind of makes sense, but yeah. So, like we're we we have all experienced these things, and then we see this fucking brand new Macs in the box. Brand new Mac in the box. I was about to say box, and my brain was like, let's just practice the X sound right here. Uh, brand new Mac in the box walking in. We're all like, huh? Like, we we can't spring for this, but and my friend said that's how he felt.
SPEAKER_02And we get bitched at for buying pencils, and y'all are over here spending twelve hundred, fifteen hundred dollars on a Mac.
SPEAKER_06Right, exactly. Whatever the business discount is, well that's what we got on this.
SPEAKER_02They're still they're still ridiculous, yeah. They are you could get a fucking you could even a pre-built like Lenovo PC, yeah, is like 800 bucks. Yeah, a Mac, even with business deals and all that shit, they're still like one that functions is like $1,500.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Anyway, so that's retarded. So then there's a couple more points. So uh this this new guy smokes cigs, right? Right on, dude. Well, and my friend, my friend also smokes cigs. So the policy at this place is no smoke breaks. Like you go, you know, your four-hour shift, then lunch, you smoke cigs on lunch, obviously, and then you go your other four-hour shift and then you smoke after work.
SPEAKER_02You guys don't get like 10 or 15-minute breaks every two hours?
SPEAKER_06Nope. It's not union at all.
SPEAKER_02That those guys, sorry, not you guys.
SPEAKER_06Well, yeah, I was about to say my friend is not union.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, not even union. You go to if you got a job at Walmart, yeah, you work two hours, you get a 15-minute break. You work two hours, you get an hour lunch, you work two hours, you get a 15-minute break, you work two hours, you go home. Right. That's how basically every yeah job in the world, yeah, that isn't some like local place that Drake works. Right.
SPEAKER_06Yep. So uh no smoke breaks for for Drake. And but this new guy pops in and he asks around a little bit on his first day, like, what's the smoke break policy? And he was told, uh, there really isn't one. You don't smoke between, you know, you work your shift, you don't smoke. And uh he was like, Oh, and well, even though he was told that uh he fucking that that was the policy. The person also was kind of like, but I don't know what your policy is, you know, you'll have to ask. The the the big guy, you know, and uh uh I guess the guy didn't because he just went out uh willy-nilly, just like at least twice that we all noticed. Willy nilly went outside at like you know, a couple hours into the shift, went out, and then a couple hours into the second half of the shift went out.
SPEAKER_02Like you should be allowed to, by the way. You should.
SPEAKER_06I mean he went outside, he smoked, and then he came back in, and it was like, okay, dog, like this has to be this has to be nipped in the bud. Like the the fucking giving him a brand new computer is like one thing. And my friend was like, but this thing is like fucked up. Like, come on, man, he can't be doing this.
SPEAKER_02I feel like homeboy's kind of a chad. I feel like you should just start following him out there. Well, then so then he he should follow your friend. Should follow him out there and smoke when he smokes, yeah. Right. If he can do it, so can Drake.
SPEAKER_06For sure. Exactly. That would be nice, but Drake would definitely think that was nice. But uh anyway, so it just it's just kind of weird. The whole thing is just kind of weird, and that has I th it hasn't been noticed again. I noticed once today, my friend told me. He said he noticed once today that old boy went outside, put on his coat, and kind of went somewhere and then came back, probably for that. He was also told again he was he was out by the dumpster. My friend heard. He was out by the dumpster, and someone else said, Hey man, you're not supposed to smoke cigarettes, uh, you know, only at these times. So anyway, so I think maybe it's been nipped in the bud. I don't know, but uh then there's this aspect of it. So there's another kind of angle of it. Like this dude, this this job was never posted. It was literally never posted.
SPEAKER_02So so I've heard I sense a bit of nepotism, probably.
SPEAKER_06I don't know something. So this person worked for uh uh a place that was related to my friend's place, like they're they certain people at each place know each other, kind of a thing. The older, like you know, owner class of these places know each other and our friends is is what my friend has heard. So interesting. So this guy came from that place, and the word my friend said word on the street was he was just looking for a reference, and he was like, Hey, looking for a reference. Can I use you as a reference? And then he was told, nah, just just come in here and work.
SPEAKER_02That's fucking gay.
SPEAKER_06That's wild. So then, so then we're you know, my friend is hearing all these pee, you know, all this shit, and all this shit's kind of culminating into one thing, and like, bro, like this motherfucker, his mouth must have like a thousand tongues situated around it, like a fucking paw cleaner tube, dude. The way he's just being fucking greased, you know.
SPEAKER_02I like that uh imagery.
SPEAKER_06He's just yeah, I was being greased. No, actually, no my friend did say I talked to him actually before the show, and he he did say that he talked to the guy today more than he has any other day. The guy's actually pretty cool.
SPEAKER_02I was hoping the guy was pretty cool. He's actually he seems like he's probably pretty cool.
SPEAKER_06He he likes decent uh a certain genre of decent music, my friend said. And uh that that my friend used to like in like college, he told me.
SPEAKER_02Underground hip hop. That's exactly what it is. Damn, I'm a good guesser.
SPEAKER_06Good guess, dude. Uh, I wasn't gonna say, but since you guess, I had to say. Uh but yeah, yeah. Uh my friend uh he asked me not to say too specific of shit, but it's kind of difficult not to get kind of specific with the specific accusation.
SPEAKER_02You know, there's a lot of specificity going on.
SPEAKER_06But he, you know, my friend is just kind of like, man, you gotta loosen the fucking belt on some other things if you're gonna just fucking. It's I'm not even uh my friend said this. I'm not even that mad about it in general. I'm not gonna bitch, I'm not gonna, I'm not a little girl about it, but like it's just fucking weird, man. Unquote. It's just fucking weird. Why are you doing this? It's you here's the thing. My friend said it's just the way it was handled. Yeah. If if it had been handled with more cooth tact, yeah. More tact. That's a great, great word for it. If it had been like, have have the IT guy bring in the the fucking brand new Mac, not when we're all sitting there, so that it's a mystery whether it's brand new, it's a refurb, it's whatever. Like, no one knows that's better than the dude walking in and being like, This is a brand new one, you know? And yeah, my friend was just a little miffed about that. Like, hey dog, you could have played this so much, you could have played the 4D chess of this a thousand times better. You just fucking shook the board, like you didn't do anything, you didn't you didn't try at all. Well, here's what I'll say you're managing people, figure it out.
SPEAKER_02I have sympathy for your friend. I think it is a bit fucked up, and uh it definitely does not bode well for morale to do shit like that. It it's if I had to guess, it's probably a pattern of this place to do shit willy-nilly with no regard for other people.
SPEAKER_06Um I don't know, I'd have to ask him.
SPEAKER_02Shocker there, I would say, perhaps. But more importantly, I have what I think might be an actual million-dollar idea. Like an actual million-dollar idea that I've derived from this story. Not to take away from your fuck you piece of shit, because I do expand on it again. I do have empathy and sympathy all in wrapped up in a in a taco shell. Yeah, no, I'm sprinkled with lettuce of uh condolences.
SPEAKER_06I'm I'm done telling my friend's story, so go off, King. Fucking just throw that shredded lettuce on it.
SPEAKER_02I think that for I'm gonna say, in my opinion, the the majority of smokers are working class. Yeah. For the working class, this product would be a bit of a game changer. Okay. How many how many cigs come in a pack of smokes? 10? 20. 20. Okay. So you take the pack of cigarettes, right? You take it and go like this, you go horizontally twice as wide, right? Right. And now you take that vertical, you shrink that vertical down by 60%. Okay. Now you've got 40 cigarettes in a pack that are 40% as long. And they're only like three hits.
SPEAKER_06Okay. Maybe uh a cigarette is usually between 15 and 20 hits, depending on how hard you're hitting it. Okay, let's say so you'd probably get like seven hits out of it. I'm saying it's better than you're thinking, even it'd be like seven hits. Well, I don't want it to be too many hits.
SPEAKER_02Okay. I okay, okay. I'm gonna throw out some numbers. A pack of smokes is ten dollars in this in this hypothetical.
SPEAKER_05Right.
SPEAKER_02A regular pack of 20 cigarettes that are normal length is ten dollars. Now, what we're gonna do is we're gonna shrink these down so that the filter is about the same length, but there's like five hits on this cigarette, but there's 40 in a pack. It costs six dollars. That's sick. You see the utility. No, I I definitely I don't have to market this to you.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_02It's perfect. You're walking out to take the trash out at your job at KFC. One, two, walk to the dumpster, lift the lid. Three, you throw the get the bag in the dumpster, you shut the lid, four, five, cigarettes done, throw it in the ground, put it out, go make my fried chicken. It's how the fuck have they not done this yet?
SPEAKER_06Dude, here's here's what you'd have to do. I've thought of an I've thought of already a problem and a solution. Okay. That pack's big as fuck. It's gonna be huge. So the prop the the solution is it's actually like three littler boxes that are fashioned together, and you can easily rip one off. Rip one. And then now you have like a manageable pocket-sized thing.
SPEAKER_02You know what I was picturing in my head? You know the the trident gum that has the plastic, uh, the little plastic case, and you lift the top, and you slide one out, and there's like 20 slices of gum in there. Yeah. I'm thinking something that size, there's still 10 in there. You could sell those packs too. Yeah, it's like two by five.
SPEAKER_06And that would be like three dollars.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Two or three bucks. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02You just you you pop one in your pocket for the workday, maybe two days worth of mini cigs, the old five hitters.
SPEAKER_06So you so a worker would buy a regular pack of cigarettes for when they're not working, yes, and and uh, and one or two small packs of our cigarette, because we're going into this business together. Yeah, I'm the smoker. Like, you can't just take a cigarette business and not involve me. That's crazy. No, I need you for flavor. Yeah, you need me for RD, dog. Yeah, uh, so I'm gonna put on a lab coat and glasses for this shit. Yeah, so uh for real, if it wasn't so goddamn hard to get into the tobacco business, like the cigarette business, yeah, this would be an insanely good. It is genuinely a million dollars.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like we would have to go to a cigarette manufacturer and with all the specs and the fucking the flippy right, you know, the big easel with the flippy pad. Yeah, yeah. And we have drawings with like a on a grid with like fucking numbers and such and be like, I know 400,000 people that would buy this today if this shit came out. This is your Zen killer. This is this is the reason that the working class is going to Zen. This is the reason that you know vaping they're having to vape in the bathroom to get through their day. Now those bathroom vapors are doing fucking zins and vellos because they can do it in their fucking cubicle or whatever.
SPEAKER_06It can be marketed as a way to wean off smoking, too. True, true, like it's it's a it's a lighter version of the same thing. It's a it's a less so then like people who drink, they might not want a whole cigarette, they just want to you know hit that a little. Well, people who drink one a whole cigarette, probably, but but like non-smokers, when they're going to drink, they just grab these instead.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and they're not cheap in whole cigarettes. And when people bum them off of you, you're not out a fucking full dollar every time someone bums a cig off you.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, sure. You're right, dude. Dude, you just dude, you have a full pack of regular cigarettes, but you give them one of these. Exactly.
SPEAKER_06You can have one of my work stigs. Dude, it's dude, kind of a fucking brilliant. We might need to take this out of the pod so no one steals this idea, dude.
SPEAKER_02The people at Phillip Morris are listening and they are jotting, they are jotting notes down. Furiously, dude. How the fuck has no one thought of this yet?
SPEAKER_06Dude, we we might need to do it. That's that is a fantastic idea. It's so good. It's almost retarded that no one's done it yet. That's that's insane. Because I mean, and it would have this, it would look cute because, like, when you rip the box off, it's just a little box of Marlboro's now. It's just a mini Marlboro box.
SPEAKER_02You can have two different streams of marketing. Yeah. You've got the working class dude who works at the factory who only gets a five-minute break that he has to walk all the way outside for. He gets he gets a couple rips. But dude, a normal cigarette, you have to throw out three quarters of it. Yeah. You're stomping it out, or you're ashing it out and fucking putting it back in the pack, souring the whole pack with your fucking half-smoked bullshit cigarette. Yeah. It's a fucking, it's a racket. Yeah. But you can, and and I'm thinking, like, you know, one, you can sell it as value. Two, the markup on it could be technically higher because you have less product inside of the package. Way less on tobacco, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Holy shit.
SPEAKER_02Like, people will pay $3 for what is essentially $2 worth of cigarettes.
SPEAKER_06It's essentially like four cigarettes just cut into tiny segments.
SPEAKER_02Exactly. Damn. You could even play the cutesy aspect of it, and you can, you know, put little fucking anime characters on the box for chicks.
SPEAKER_06Well, they probably wouldn't let you do that, but it would they would not let you do that, actually. I know they wouldn't. Honestly, you could even a fourth marketing stream. Stigs for kids. I was gonna say the fourth one would be weed in that container, in that side, but it's just a cardboard roll, you know, instead of a filter. True, true, true, true. Yeah, yeah. It's just like the weed filter, you know?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, for the people that are like, ah, I only like a couple of hits. Exactly. Like me. There you go. Retard, here's a couple of hits. They kind of already rule that.
SPEAKER_06They have the little cones that they just pack a little bit into, but like this would be its own thing. It'd be called a different thing. It'd be like the weed version of the cigarettes. Yeah. And what would be funny, I thought of this, is if your fucking idea was so good and you actually got the formulation of the cigarette really good and they tasted good, people would want you to make full-length cigarettes, and then you'd just be in the cigarette game, and then that would take over your market share.
SPEAKER_02You'd have both. Well, people would you could sell it so that it's you buy one pack of our normal ones, and it comes with a mini pack. It's $12 instead of ten dollars, but you get both.
SPEAKER_06Wow, it's just strapped onto the back. Yeah. Dude, you could make kind of a flat pack that's about as big, it's just like half of a cigarette pack.
SPEAKER_02It's 10 normal cigs and 10 mini cigs for the price of one pack of normal cigs.
SPEAKER_06Like your mini cig package, like the trident package you were talking about, would basically be so the listeners can picture it, it's like a s if a cigarette pack was a deck of cards and you take half of it, that's how big it is. Ah man, I'm this is fucking great. It's a great idea. I'm not even trying to make this funny anymore. This is just a great fucking idea.
SPEAKER_02I didn't mean that we should turn this into shark tank, but I mean, bro.
SPEAKER_06How do you make cigar? I mean, like, dude, I have roll your own shit. We can cut that down. That's what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, I guess you could roll your own. You could just cut the tubes.
SPEAKER_06Oh, fuck. Don't give them that idea. Well, you can roll your own cigarettes and people won't do that. But for three dollars, you would buy ten small cigarettes. I I guarantee it, dude. And you could fit the I mean, I don't know how they'd fit in there exactly. You'd probably have to fit them in there weird. Because it was it's just maybe one and a half cigarettes worth of uh width, you know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, I guess we can't just take a normal pack that people are used to and make it half as tall.
SPEAKER_06Yeah. That's true. That's probably the way to go. Make it that tall. And then it's got but it'll have 20 in it. Yeah. And then but that, how much would that be though? Five bucks? Yeah, no, we'd have six bucks. What's the price point on that?
SPEAKER_02Uh I like the idea of selling it where you get ten normal length cigarettes and ten shorter ones. Yeah. And it's a little bit less than the price of a normal pack of cigs. Yeah. Because then it's like, I'm paying less.
SPEAKER_06And then you got a little stage inside the pack that holds this the shorter ones up. Yeah. Like a little where they're as high as the other staircase. And you can just pull them out at the top. Yeah. No, that's great. That's a great idea. I mean, we should we should definitely go and and meet where wherever Philip Morris is, we should fly there and we should talk to them and be like, just give us a million dollars for this idea. We patented this idea. We've gone to the trouble of patenting it. Can you just give us like a million bucks to not do this on our own? Yeah. Because we will do this on our own and edge you out of any potential market that you could get.
SPEAKER_02We'll go to Z we'll go to the people at Zen and figure out how to make them do it. Because the people that make Zen, by the way, it's made not far from where we live. Oh, yeah. Zen is headquartered not far from here. We could go to them. You know, they used to their main thing before they made nicotine pouches was chewing tobacco. So they're in the tobacco game.
SPEAKER_06Well, yeah, but they might be like, our whole thing is smokeless tobacco. How are you trying to sell us the idea of small cigarettes, right?
SPEAKER_02Well, that's that's one section sector of their business. They still make the products that are chewing tobacco. Yeah, that's true. It's just their main like how they're fucking billionaires now is in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_06Well, we could do this. Fuck. We definitely could.
SPEAKER_02Anyway, uh let's do it. My main fuck you piece of shit. Um this is God do I do what do I do something similar? Okay. So my friend. No, I'm just kidding. Um, I uh at where I where I work, you know, we have a bunch of different facilities. We have a lot of different um uh stores that we operate. We're opening a new one in a town not too far from here. And um I called up our old pals at Spectrum and uh I scheduled the installation of internet services at this new building. So I scheduled it for between 10 and 11 a.m. on let's just say Tuesday.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_02I think it was Tuesday or Monday. I think it was Tuesday. And uh so I was like, okay, they're gonna be there between 10 and 11. So I'll just plan on getting there at 10 and hanging out until they get there, however long it takes to install. Usually it's not too long, yeah, and then I'll get the fuck out of there. I'll just I'll dick around on my phone for the hour that I'm waiting if they happen to take as long as an hour.
SPEAKER_06Dick around on your phone, huh?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you know what I mean. Okay. 99 construction, baby. I'm a I'm a builder. I'm a builder. So I fucking I I drive out there, it's like 40 minutes away. I get there at like 10.05, whatever. Sick. But you know, they have a system in place. They say, we'll uh we'll text you when your installer is on the way. So I'm like, yeah, I'm not rushing to get there per se. I'm driving through fucking construction traffic as we do in the Midwest. And I'm not I'm not tripping because it's like they're gonna let me know when he's on the way. They probably fucking won't. And I'll get halfway there and he'll call me and be like, hey, I'm here, where is everybody? And I'll be like, fucking sit tight for 20 minutes, dude. I'll be there in a minute, chill. Fucking play on your phone. Have you ever heard of old school Runescape? It's pretty fun. You just download it on your phone and play, it's really cool. Um, so uh I I rock up about five, ten minutes after, and uh I had some other stuff to do while I was there. I brought some stuff that I I needed to bring there for a little while, and I put it off until this day because I didn't want to make multiple trips. And uh so I go out there and I'm I do the things that I came there to do, knocked it out like 10-15 minutes. Nice. So then I'm just like, all right, well, I guess I'll just sit around and fucking wait.
SPEAKER_06And I waited and waited and you weren't Russian, but did Ukraine your neck to look for him? He was on his way. Sorry.
SPEAKER_02I have to keep reminding myself that you're my pal. I know this time.
SPEAKER_08Hell yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02And you go Slavia yourself for that joke.
SPEAKER_06It's fun, you gotta admit, it is fun. Even though it's stupid, and I probably shouldn't have said it, it's fun.
SPEAKER_02So I get done what I gotta do. It's it's 10:30. I'm like, all right, I'm chilling. I'll just fucking lap my feet up on the desk here and wait. Play on my phone until 11. Surely, surely he'll be here. 11 o'clock comes and goes. Like, all right, well, this is gay. Kick it around for a little longer. 11:30 comes and goes. I'm literally falling asleep in this chair. Like, I didn't sleep much that night. I'm chilling, literally, like shaking my head awake. Dude, you're about to be hungry pretty soon. It's enough of that.
SPEAKER_07You might have to go get a turkey sandwich.
SPEAKER_02Let's make that the last one. Come on, dude.
SPEAKER_07Come on.
SPEAKER_06Hungary is pretty good to pull out of my ass with the countries and the and and it's relevant in your story because it's 11:30 lunchtime.
SPEAKER_02So yeah, I was starting to get a little hungry and I ran outside.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02There was a rake on the ground and I racked myself on the Afghan Iraq. I don't know, dude. This is this is something.
SPEAKER_06I'm I'm done with this the country speed. Unless, unless it's a unless it's absolute gold, I won't do a country anymore. Uh so it's getting late, and you're it's about nap time for old Tyler.
SPEAKER_02I'm fucking I'm tired as hell. Like, I was planning on honestly getting this all done and then going home and going to bed, taking a nap. Like, I just wanted this to eat up enough of my day that I could be like, eh, it's about it's about 12 30. That's enough for the day. It's basically four o'clock if you think about it.
SPEAKER_07I could I could at least get two and a half hours of work done if I really wanted to, but I don't.
SPEAKER_02Fuck it. So uh 11 30 comes. I walked over to the old Dollar General, got me a little pack of crackers. Nice, ate my fucking uh humble lunch, my humble two dollar lunch, and uh by that time it was basically noon, and I hadn't heard anything. So I left because two hours is long the fuck enough to wait. Yeah, so I left, and uh, I was driving my way back home because that's where I was heading, not to work, and uh I got about halfway back and I got a call, and I was like, hmm, let's see. And it was Wesley from Spectrum, and he just got there, and I was like, Well, bud, I uh waited for two hours and nobody showed up, so I left. I have a meeting at one o'clock, so I didn't have a meeting at one o'clock.
unknownWow.
SPEAKER_02But I wasn't turning around and going back, I was annoyed. And he was like, Oh, do you you didn't get a message, blah, blah, blah? And I was like, No, idiot. You know the fuck I didn't get a message because no no message was sent, asshole. Don't fucking lie to me. Yeah, I was like, I got a message this morning saying, hey, just confirming you're 10 to 11, and there was a link, and the link said, click here to fucking if you have to reschedule or if you want to track the status of your thing. Yeah. So I clicked the link and I refreshed it about 47 fucking times while I was there. It never updated, it never said you were on the way, and it never actually gave me an option to reschedule. So your shit's all fucked, and you're two hours late, and fuck you. And he was like, Well, I don't have a way to reschedule it on my end, so you'll get a call later. And I was like, Great. So then I got a call about 10 minutes later from like their corporate whatever, and they were like, Hey, we heard there was some trouble with your blah blah blah. I was like, Yeah. And they were like, uh, so sorry about that. And I'm like, uh-huh. And they're like, Do you want to reschedule? And I was like, Yeah. And they're like, When were you thinking? And I was like, Well, you know, we need it like soon, so soon would be cool.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, let me look at my calendar real quick. So I pulled up my calendar and I was like, How about Thursday? And they're like, Well, we don't really have anything open. I was like, Well, you do, actually, because you know, I got fucked. So you do. You you just will do it Thursday. They were like, Well, let me let me get a hold of dispatch and see if we can move some stuff around. I was like, You do that. Yeah, yeah, move the shit around. You will do that.
SPEAKER_07Whatever you gotta do, do it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So I got I was on hold for like two or three minutes, and they were like, uh, how about uh Thursday at noon? I was like, that is when it will happen. Yes, actually. So good. Yep. Yeah, love that. And that's tomorrow. That is tomorrow. I have a backup option because I have everything everything else is done. This is the last thing that I'm waiting on. Wow. So I have like a backup internet option that we I just borrowed from another place, and if they don't fucking show up on Thursday, I'm gonna raise enough hell that we get a massive discount on services for sure. Wow. But I will have a backup option in place and we can continue with everything else. But uh fucking what the hell, dude. It's like, why is it always spectrum? Every fucking time they blow dicks, some fuckery bullshit ass, fuck ass shit happens. It's always spectrum. They gotta get their shit together, dude. Quit trying to fucking monopolize and buy out other companies and get your your shit in order. God damn.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, no, I mean it's been spotty here, but not not the worst. Not the greatest, not the worst.
SPEAKER_02You need to look into this uh ATT option. Yeah. Because here's here's three reasons why. Number one, way better. Okay, like way better reception, it's faster. Okay, number two, it's cheaper. Uh, I don't well, I don't know what you're paying, but I'm pretty sure it's cheaper because I have gig up, gig down, right down the road for 60 bucks a month.
SPEAKER_06Oh, mine's 50.
SPEAKER_02Oh, well, it's not cheaper, but it is better. Uh at my old place, I was paying uh 70 for uh the other option in town. Yeah. Um uh number three. Now I don't know if there might be like a referral kind of thing where like if if you put me down as a referral, we both get like a little cut off of our fucking price or whatever, or maybe a little kickback or something. But one thing that I know for sure is when you sign up, they send you a hundred dollar visa gift card. Oh, wow. So you need a little fucking hundred hunto bucko. That's not bad. As a man who is currently financially struggling a little bit, that hundred bucks, it has gotten me gas. Yeah. And uh a little snack here and there. So nice, nothing to wag your little tail at, bro. Hell yeah, dude. A little hundred bucks?
SPEAKER_06Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_02I'll look into the referral option. Maybe that would be, you know, maybe a little more incentive.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, you get another one, maybe.
SPEAKER_02Usually that's how it goes. Usually it's like 20 bucks for both of us or something like that, you know, off your first bill or whatever, your next bill, whatever.
SPEAKER_06Okay, six, yeah.
SPEAKER_02So uh I highly recommend it because cool. I've had it multiple times, and as much of a pain in the ass as ATT can be in certain aspects, their fiber internet fucking slaps. Okay. Um, the upload speed alone, like if you're gonna start streaming, yeah, huge, yeah, huge improvement. Right. Um but anyway, that's pretty much all I got on that fucky piece of shit. I do, I did challenge myself to write a top five list. Right, hit it. Um, but I would like to go pee before I do it. Okay. Even though it's short, I am already.
SPEAKER_06We can we can turn it into something. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Alright, I'll be right back.
unknownCome on, give me.
SPEAKER_02We're back. My bladder's empty. I farted on the way in here. It followed me. That's all I smell. It smells like I shit my pants a little bit. I might have. A little, honestly, to be honest. I like honesty. Honesty's the best policy, they say. Um, so yeah, I have a quick little top five Rooney for you. I'll play a little drop because you guys like drops, I'm sure. Yeah, you like them. Ladies and gentlemen, there's Tyler's top 10. Let's go. One of these days, I'll fix that. Maybe we should write our own drop. Top fives. We'll think of something.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, we're gonna do it.
SPEAKER_02But yeah, I cranked out a little quick little top five list, okay? Let's get it. And uh it occurred to me I was looking at one that I had done previously. Top five nuts. Nice, nice. The one that ended in macadamia. Yeah, peak comedy.
SPEAKER_07Of course, of course.
SPEAKER_02I still, I still say macadamias are fucking dude. There's a reason they're like $20 a pound. They're fucking so good. Um so I was like, well, I mean, I would like to, you know, do something with calm, but I like to write things about calm, but I like to calm. And it occurred to me that I'd never written a top five list on the top five worst places to come. I had written a top five best places to come. Right. Ted's faces, such, etc. etc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know those. Yeah. But do we all know the top five worst places to come? We don't yet. We're about to find out. We're gonna find out very shortly. Okay. Number five. Yeah. Right. Embarrassing.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, especially if you're at work.
SPEAKER_02I mean, that is the implication. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06If it's before work, it's it's an inconvenience. If if you're at work, it's an emergency.
SPEAKER_02If you're at home jacking off and you happen to come on your work clothes that you're going to wear to work, number one, you either have way bigger problems. Or two, you're fucking retarded because just wear other clothes. Right. You know? Um, number four, on your pet. Oops.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's an issue.
SPEAKER_02Whoops.
SPEAKER_06Coded the chairman. I've had I've had to uh I've had to shut the door. Bamboozled the beano so the beano's not in the room with me while I'm jerking off. Because he just looks at me and it's weird, and I'm like, no, dude, just get out there, dude.
SPEAKER_02Any any major distraction is a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been a few times in my life where I'm like, now's the time to beat my meat. And then I get like a call from one of the one of the places that I support, and they're like, internet's out, and I'm just like, fuck. Call me back in like five minutes. We'll make it ten now because I've got to work it back up. You know, call me back in three and a half minutes. Uh, but yeah, that's I mean, it's not only like shameful, it's also like inconvenient because you were gonna have to just wipe it off of your hands onto like your jeans or your bed spread or something, and now or a paper towel or toilet paper.
SPEAKER_07Well, whatever.
SPEAKER_02I'm not gonna judge when and where people jack off. Wash it off in the sink. That is ideal. Jizz in the toilet or the sink, and you just fucking flush or rinse.
SPEAKER_06Yeah.
SPEAKER_02But sometimes, you know, the mood strikes you, you're on the couch, you're like, I'm not gonna get up. Yeah, I'll just nut on this fucking throw pillow. Okay, I'll throw a rope at this throw pillow real quick. But man, your fucking cat or dog jumps up on your lap right as you're nutting. Now you gotta give it a bath. This was like three-minute shameful occurrence that turned into an hour-long ordeal.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, especially a cat. A dog, you can just especially a small dog, you can just force it.
SPEAKER_02The dog will just lick it off of himself and fucking be happier than a clam. They eat shit. They're happy to be licking up protein filled cum.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, dude. That's true.
SPEAKER_06Um They're like, I can taste the creatures.
SPEAKER_00I'm a predator. I'm part of you now.
SPEAKER_02Your magic dog just looks at you and fucking starts talking English is like we are one. You and I. We belong together, Jake.
SPEAKER_00I mean your essence.
SPEAKER_02You are mine. Uh number three. Inside of a fertile female stranger.
SPEAKER_07Oh.
SPEAKER_06True, true, true, true, true, true, true. True. This bitch might have just gotten out of fucking inpatient, you know? Like this bitch might have might might have 17 other kids. This bitch might like, you know what I mean? There's so many rotten scenarios.
SPEAKER_02She maybe freshly escaped from the state hospital. Right. That's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_06The insane asylum of some sort. She could who knows what's uh what's up with the stranger, you know? She could someone you met at a bar, I'm assuming, is the hypothetical.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. I would imagine, yeah. Yeah. That's any that's where it tends to happen. Stranger, yeah. You just uh lose track of time and muh. Yeah. You know?
SPEAKER_06You t you just time travel to three hours from now when you're naked, and like, wait, I don't recognize this wallpaper. Yeah. Fuck.
SPEAKER_02You turn a sweet deal into sour cream real quick, dude.
SPEAKER_06You reach the sour cream of that night's burrito. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_02Exactly, dude. You take a bite of that crunch wrap, all sour cream.
SPEAKER_00No meat.
SPEAKER_06Yep. This is the part of the luxe box that's not so goddamn luxe, Taco Bell. That's right.
SPEAKER_02Um, yeah, that can create a lot of issues, you know, and also like the anxiety, bro. You're just waiting for that message of like you get a call and you see like bar tramp come across the caller ID. Then you didn't even put her in your phone. Is that's just what ATT decided she's called? This winch. Yeah, you get a bad voicemail. Um, number two. This is gonna be a bit controversial. Okay. Inside your mom.
SPEAKER_07Oh, yeah, that is that's pretty bad.
SPEAKER_06That's up there, no doubt.
SPEAKER_02It's very controversial. Yeah, you might be thinking to yourself, how could that be number two? What could possibly be worse than coming inside your mom?
SPEAKER_06In some of the darker corners of this country, that's more commonplace than you'd like.
SPEAKER_02Oh, dude, in some parts of the country, this is number two on the top five places that are awesome to come.
SPEAKER_06Mom's tits.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_06It comes full circle. Exactly. My dad liked them. Then I got I got second.
SPEAKER_02I'm genetically predisposed to loving these titties.
SPEAKER_06Hell yeah, bro. See, yeah, theoretically, guys. Theoretically.
SPEAKER_02Hypothetically, for sure.
SPEAKER_06Um well, you don't have anything to worry about. No, I mean my mom's my mom's, you know, with us, and you know, that's hypothetically possible, you know. Jake.
SPEAKER_00I'm not on the pill. What are you doing?
SPEAKER_07You dislodged my IUD. Oh man. With your juice pot just rolled over. I wouldn't have anything to worry about, actually. Oh, she's aged out of the breeding pool. Yes.
SPEAKER_06She has. In that respect, I guess I understand why the South does that, but she ain't gonna get pregnant.
SPEAKER_02Maybe that has a little bit of something to do with uh like the rise in like guilth porn. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_06Maybe they're just the practicality of I can just nut insurance every time. If that means more to you than her not her like having the worst physical version of everything, you know? Honestly, sorry, no, no offense to the old ladies that listen to this podcast. It's the same with old men, it's the same, it's equal across the board. Yeah, sorry, Bernice, sorry, Gladys, sorry, Dorothy. Sorry, uh Ed Edna Um Ethel. Ethel, that's the one I was going for. Ruth even. Ooh, Ruth even. You're you got it, dude.
SPEAKER_02Um, yeah, I got I got all my old lady names on.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, Agnes. That's the one I want to get into. That's a good one.
SPEAKER_02Yep, yep. Um I think that like if we're if we're being for ruffle real, if we're if we're no capping, if we're 100, if we're gonna be on 6'7 real quick.
SPEAKER_06Are we keeping it 100?
SPEAKER_02I we're trying.
SPEAKER_06It's a new number all the time.
SPEAKER_00I don't I never know what it's going on. The funny number used to be 69. Yeah. Now we're back here. 6'7.
SPEAKER_06Minus two, bitch. Um Jin Jen Alpha said minus two, bitch.
SPEAKER_02I genuinely think that the uh the guilf thing is this is gonna be it's gonna sound like I'm coming way the fuck out of left field, but bear with me. I think that it's genuinely a self-esteem issue. I think that a lot of the gooners of today's day and age um they have massive issues with self-esteem. And you know, they already know that they can't get laid because they've experienced life and are living in a world where they've not gotten laid. Right. The incels, if you will. Yeah. Um I think that they've got this idea in their head that they're so undesirable that they have to only fuck the most undesirable women. I have a little bit of evidence to support this theory.
SPEAKER_07Okay.
SPEAKER_02The last time you were on porn of whatever site, do you remember seeing ads that says something along the lines of fuck ugly women near you? Yes. Absolutely. That is a an insane thing to advertise. I know, dude. I know.
SPEAKER_06It's always either old women, ugly, lonely, lonely, pathetic. It went from cuties or hotties or whatever. That's what it used to be. It said fuck hotties in your area. Yeah, you always saw that and like okay, dog, it's that easy. And then uh, you know, if it was that easy, I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now. Yeah. Uh, yeah, and then it changed at some point to like it's only fuck ugly women near you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's it's such a crazy thing to. I just can't imagine being the guy that made that advertisement.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's some fucking like gross wild level of depravity.
SPEAKER_02Somebody loaded up a Toby Illustrator and had to type in fuck ugly women near you, and then had to loop a gif of like just blorped out fucking gnarly bitches.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, bitches that look like that one fish, granny panties pulled up to their fucking nipples and shit. Cuddle fish that you ironically do not want to cuddle. Truth. Um, yeah, the gross shit. It's always the it's always like vile imagery, and it's like, how is that helping you advertise as well? How is this clearly unorthodox, no one really likes that thing helping you have people click on this? You know how are people clear who it has to be worth it to pay for that advertisement. How? I don't know who's clicking on that like you just described uh demographic of people that would click on it, but fuck, dude. I can't imagine clicking on that. You gotta be down bad.
SPEAKER_02God you know how um like typically after sex, if you're especially if you're a smoker, you have that urge to smoke a cigarette after you have sex. I feel like if you bang one of these like fuck ugly women near you, uh huh, you have the urge to hold smoke a whole Pakistan. I wrapped it back around the thing for me.
SPEAKER_06Oh, dude, Drake and uh his new co-worker. Same, same for them.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. But what if they were only five drags long? Telling you, dude. Million dollar idea. Um, anyway, uh yeah, I think that the whole like rise in granny porn and the the gilf and the the mature fuckable old women, that's so weird. It's gotta be a self-esteem thing.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, it does. That makes sense. There, but well, there's not porn for women. I guess they're kind of there probably is, but it's such a niche market. Like, do they have old men ads? Do they have like fuck old men in your area?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I guess you'd have to like find a way to to maybe get a second phone and manipulate the algorithm into thinking you're a chick and see what they get advertised. But I I don't know, like that would that would that's jarring imagery, an old man.
SPEAKER_06Like you're watching a porn and it starts out with just the chicks, so you don't know, and then the dude ends up being an old man. She's like sucking his dick and he's like oh, and holding his head back, but he's an old man. He's got like a neck vagina. Where am I? He's got a neck vagina that's like according, you know what I mean? Uh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Uh I don't accordioning, yeah. Um, yeah. Fucking he's got a fucking high school curtain that's opening and closing horizontally on his fucking necks. And it's just like we it's like I'm not even meaning to concentrate on this, but it's just so why? I mean, I know why, obviously. So he was there like, hey man, hey, old man, you got a big dick. You want to do porn? Uh sure. My wife died six years ago. I would love to.
SPEAKER_00My pension ran out.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, it's a hundred bucks. Fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah.
SPEAKER_02I'll get my dick sucked for a hundred bucks.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, so like I get it, but why like who's that for as far as watching? I guess old men. I guess I that makes sense now. True now, but you mention it. It's just this like super, it's the super young chick sucking this very old man's dick, and there that that makes sense, I guess. Old men on a smartphone. Oh, an old man on a smartphone. He gets done jerking off, he hits the thing, he's got a fucking wolf painting screensaver or or a Trump something or other, or an eagle, or like you know, they like everything's like zoomed in super.
SPEAKER_02Just imagining an old man with a keyboard the size of the entire phone typing in with one finger. Oh.
SPEAKER_00L D. M.
SPEAKER_07Hunting Pack, old man.
SPEAKER_02On a plane, because it's always somewhere where they shouldn't be looking at porn. They never just watch it at home.
SPEAKER_06No, no, not by themselves. They gotta old men with the porn on their phones are like black people with the music on their phones. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Talking to somebody on speakerphone. Yep, yep, yep. That's the stereotype. This is a little sidetrack we're taking here for a second. But the thing, one thing that like I don't know why it annoys me so bad, but every fucking time you go into a gas station that's ran by Indian people, they've been on speakerphone with somebody back in Mumbai for the last 16 hours straight. Yeah. Why do you need to be talking to people back from home all fucking day?
SPEAKER_06That's crazy to me. You're in America, dude. Act like it.
SPEAKER_02I don't care even that far. But it's like all day?
SPEAKER_06Yeah, no, it is weird.
SPEAKER_02I have no problem whatsoever with you using that time to talk to somebody for a little bit, but it's literally all fuck.
SPEAKER_06There's nothing to every time. It's every time you walk into those places, they're on their fucking phone.
SPEAKER_02Which leads me to believe it's their whole shift. And they work 89-hour days.
SPEAKER_06They are burning all the ends.
SPEAKER_02The guy that was there at 6 a.m. is still there at midnight. Yeah, dude. Tell me how that works. I know, dude. These motherfuckers never sleep. And they are on speakerphone with somebody from back home the entire time. It's crazy to me. They must sleep in like five-hour increments between customers or something. Gotta be, yeah. Five-minute increments.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, they just immediately go to RIM when they fall asleep.
SPEAKER_02They're seeing the most of their sleep. They see Shiva every time they close their eyes, dude. Anyway, uh, number one is inside your dad. That's what's worse than inside your dad.
SPEAKER_07Oh, nice.
SPEAKER_02We dragged out them in between for too long. Perfect, perfect. Didn't have a good build-up, but uh no, no, no. That's good. That was good. Don't fuck your dad. That's weird.
SPEAKER_06That's even if you're gay, don't fuck your dad.
SPEAKER_02It's shameful for everybody ever. Yeah. There's not a world where a dude fucking his dad is not the worst thing ever.
SPEAKER_06No, it's insane. Yeah. That's why it's fun to write parodies about, and we've got several about fucking your dad. Is because it's so absurd. Because in real life, that's in fucking sane. But writing a song about it is funny.
SPEAKER_02It's so fucked up that it makes you go, Well, I could see you wanting to fuck your mom, but you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_06The mom at least makes a little biological sense. Like it in a Freudian way. Yeah, something about it. Like it makes sense. Like he's describing the biological imperative and how it applies to your mom's. Because you did suck on her tits and stuff. So it kind of makes sense. There's nothing Freudian. There is no not a psychologist who can make sense of fucking your dad.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, no, it's just um maybe he molested you and you're hearkening back. I don't know. It's fucking wild.
SPEAKER_06Okay, but still, that took an extreme thing like pedophilia to make any sense. You know? So there was already a wrong that you're trying to make right.
SPEAKER_02The wrongest of wrongs. True. And you're taking back you're taking your power back. Truefully. In which case, you know?
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You got your lick back. Yeah. You done did. In the most fucking wild way humanly possible. You done did, dude. You got your lick back.
SPEAKER_06Oh my god. You moved to Lickbakistan. That motherfucker better have your pocket in his hand out on the fucking yard, dude.
SPEAKER_02Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's that relationship.
SPEAKER_02You got to the age where you were taller and stronger, and he was a little frail, and you were like, today's the day, old man.
SPEAKER_06Who's gonna win the wrestling match now, Dad?
SPEAKER_02You want to arm wrestle, Dad? And then you fucking just slam him down.
SPEAKER_07You want to butt wrestle?
SPEAKER_02See, I'm gonna wrestle those fucking jeans off you, old man.
SPEAKER_07Jesus Christ. Those Lee's, those Lee boot cuts. I'm gonna wrestle those Lee boot cuts off your stuff.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna wrangle those wranglers off your hips, old man.
SPEAKER_07That pocket t-shirt you got on, that's coming off too, boy.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna steal the smokes out of the fucking rolled up sleeve while I'm at it, motherfucker.
SPEAKER_07Yeah, dad.
SPEAKER_02Wait a minute, wait, wait, are these are these five-hitters? These are five hitters rolled up in your sleeve, old man? You know what? I've changed my mind. That's the first commercial. Yeah.
SPEAKER_06But fuck your dad.
SPEAKER_02A molested boy is gonna buttfuck his dad, and then he realizes as he's wrestling his jeans off to rape him in the ass that he smokes the best sigs in the world.
SPEAKER_06Because those cigarettes reminded him of his penis when it was bouncing around as he was getting molested.
SPEAKER_02They're just cut to them fucking arms around each other with a fucking five-hitter cig in their hands.
SPEAKER_03They're both smoking outside the factory about to go back into work.
SPEAKER_02We put by let bygones be bygones.
SPEAKER_03Let's go clock in, boy. You hear the fucking steam whistle in the background. Back to work. I guess we gotta smelt some more fucking aluminum. Come on, Sean. Oh god. Oh man. What a wacky world. I'll let you use the good gloves today. What a wacky world that we've just invented.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I was picturing me and my dad the whole time. Yeah, I was picturing you and your dad the whole time. I'm doing his voice as well, actually. Not exactly, but you know. Oh man. I guess I'm already close to his voice, probably. You know? Yeah, it's not too far off. If you just if you recorded us and had a computer be like, how close are these? It'd be like 60, 70%, probably.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06I'm I'm I'm getting there. God damn it, man. Yeah, dude. Fuck. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_02But don't come in your dad everywhere.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, that's a bad idea. That's a bad concept.
SPEAKER_02Don't come in any of the five places, but especially that one.
SPEAKER_06I mean, the only way you should be coming in a dad is if you're like married to a uh a gay dude and you've adopted a son. Sure. You know what I mean? Why not? You're a man, you're married to a man, and you've adopted a boy or a girl. And that that way you can come in that dad. That's the only time it's it's okay. Dads should not become dead in general, though. For the most part, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um whatever gay dads, obvious exception. I won't yuck your yum. Whatever flavor is the spice of life, yeah. Do your thing. By dads? That's that's something we don't talk about a lot. Well, it's probably not by dads. Probably not a super common occurrence.
SPEAKER_06Unless you're black, and then when you're six, you say bye, dad. Oh shit. Uh sorry, no bye dads. Uh he went out to buy a pack of smokes. You know the short ones.
SPEAKER_02The really, really short ones that he could smoke with.
SPEAKER_07We gotta have a name. We gotta. I I wish a name had uh made itself known, but it didn't.
SPEAKER_02I mean, I've been defaulting to calling them five hitters. They were two hitters a minute ago, but five hitters makes more sense. Five hitters. That's pretty sick. You know, that's pretty sick. Well, they got five gum.
SPEAKER_06Five five smokes. Five smokes. Yeah, five puffs. Five. Could you just be called five?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_06That's great, dude. And then you could like have uh what's five's Roman numeral? Is it a V? It is a V.
SPEAKER_02So you just V in five is the Roman numeral. Capital F. Oh listen, capital F. We're we're talking like Times New Roman, right? Yeah, of course. Capital F.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Lowercase I. Yeah. A capital V with the little fucking dudes at the top.
SPEAKER_07Dudes, yeah, and the bottom. Fuck it.
SPEAKER_02The little yeah, top and bottom with a lowercase E. F I V E five. It's only five puffs, and then you get back to work, slave. Hell yes, dude.
SPEAKER_06The peasant's cigarette.
SPEAKER_00Let's fucking go.
SPEAKER_06Cigarettes for the working man.
SPEAKER_02It's flavorful and affordable, and you can smoke it on your break.
SPEAKER_06Five puffs. Dude, and you do what you do is you do the three tiers for each one. You do menthol, all three tiers of lightness, you know, to full flavor, and you do the same thing with the regulars. And that's it. That's a simple, you don't need you can't do other flavors, actually, federal law. You literally can't. Right. But you do menthol and you do fucking reg Regis, and that's it. That's that's your whole business model. Is it is it?
SPEAKER_02I wonder if this would be in breach of law if we had regular menthol and then five plus. Where it's double the nicotine. Oh. So you get almost a full cigarette's worth in five hits of nicotine. Wow, that's sick. I wonder if that's legal. Because they can do varied percentages of nicotine on vapes. Yeah, right, right. You know, I get six milligram vellos. They make nine, ten, fifteen. Yeah, you know? You're right.
SPEAKER_06Five plus. Dude, okay. Now, this might be going we might end the podcast after I say this, but please don't get ready to, because this might be sick, actually. I am gonna get ready to just in case. But what if just in case. But this is an expansion of your idea that actually wouldn't be as many legal hoops to jump through. Okay, okay. What if there's some way to configure a uh uh a vape in the same fashion? So it's small and it's one thing and it's disposable completely. And you fucking hit it like in it's however many hits of uh of vape would equal five hits of a cigarette, maybe twenty hits. 30 hits, and then you just throw that little thing away, and each one of those things is like a dollar or something. You know, they're cheap as fuck.
SPEAKER_02I mean, there there's a lot of problems with that. Like, number one, they already make really, really small vapes that you can just chuck in your pocket. And if you're taking the trash out at your job or whatever, you're just like, you know, you have to walk the thing that you just finished making to the next apartment.
SPEAKER_06But vape is is the fucking solution. Yeah, this is for the guy who I like smoking cigarettes. I thought I had a thing because you brought up the vape percentages, and I was like, wait a minute, there's a lot more legal for dealing with that.
SPEAKER_02Fucking batteries are expensive. That's true. You can't really make it.
SPEAKER_06It'd be like a little a little watch battery inside this little vape, and you just it'd be like the size of a cigarette, but it's just I guess they have that with the enjoys and the whatnot. Yeah, they they make blue, the ones that are blue to cigarette. You're right. It just yeah. The sig is the way to go. It is really, but how the fuck do you start that business? You just it almost has to be an existing business, has to do that.
SPEAKER_02You just have to sell your idea. We have to give them the idea. They're gonna make a billion dollars. That's fine. We don't need a billion dollars, Jake. No, we need the million dollars for them to pay us for our idea. Yeah, and then we're done. Give me I'm saying like I'm out of the sigbiz.
SPEAKER_06Give me, give me, dude. You gotta give me two so I can quit my job and I know I'm set forever, you know. Well, a million dollars is. Because my luck is just a number that becomes a good one. My luck is I'm gonna die pretty soon of cancer or something. But if I got two million dollars, you know, be able to pay for it, be able to be able to help myself, you know.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I'm just saying a million dollars is just a number we made up. They would probably pay five, six, ten million dollars for an idea that is very obviously going to make them a billion dollars.
SPEAKER_06Right.
SPEAKER_02They're buying us out of it, basically. Right.
SPEAKER_06We'll never do anything with it again.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you now own this idea. It's yours. Congratulations, Philip Morris.
SPEAKER_06So, how do you how do we go about doing it? You you we just make schematics for the size of the cigarettes and the and exactly the blend of the tobacco or I don't think I don't think we need to get into the weeds of the tobacco.
SPEAKER_02I don't know to make a weird pun. I just think that we need it. The the pitch needs to be marketing based. It's like, sure. This is what we're thinking as far as like the size. Here is like, you know, a comparison. This is a normal cigarette to scale. Here's what ours looks like, here's what the packs could look like, here's our idea for marketing. The marketing is gonna take up 75% of the pitch. Yeah, right. Because it's gonna be about the working man. We're all struggling. We don't have time to smoke an entire cigarette on a break. The the man's gonna crack down on you. You know, we have imagery of uh a stern boss coming out and like you're still out here smoking, you need to get back to work. Right, right. You're out there for five hits, you throw this thing down, you're back inside. The boss didn't even know you were gone because you just went outside to, you know, right air out the fucking paint job you just did or whatever. You took the track, you can literally smoke this thing on the way to the dumpster to throw trash away at your job, right? And you're done with it by the time you get back. Right. And you didn't just waste 50 cents, right? You smoked 10 cents worth of cigarette that you paid for. Value. It's all marketing, dude. That's yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_06We yeah, that's a $10 million idea. I'm telling you for Philip Morris or RJ Reynolds, that is a $10 million idea. Maybe even 20. Like that is life, a life worth of money that you live comfy that idea is.
SPEAKER_02You're just living life on the fact that you helped kill people a little quicker, which I have no qualms about.
SPEAKER_06Well, I mean, and they they chose to do it. Like, I don't have any I don't expect any sympathy for me smoking cigarettes. That's fucking stupid. I should be able to stop at some point. So, like, you know, I don't feel bad about it either. I'm I'm smoking. How can I possibly justify feeling bad about it?
SPEAKER_02And like you said, you can throw it in the angle of like it's less cigarette. You can wean yourself off of regular smokes by going to this. Yeah. And then they can move their way over to another one of your products. Right. You know, one of your smokeless uh tobacco options.
SPEAKER_06Yep. This is the fucking bridge between cigs and something else. Hell yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_02I I do genuinely think it's a great idea, but we have to we'd have to do a lot of work, and that's fucking gay. Yeah, that's a lot.
SPEAKER_06We would almost have to document doing it and that be part of the thing.
SPEAKER_02Perhaps, yeah.
SPEAKER_06We have like a whole Patreon episode of us coming up with the marketing and well, like, and and the schematics and all the shit, like us making the shit and you know building a PowerPoint presentation, all of that, yeah, yeah. And then what if we do it and we just send it to fucking to the companies and see what they say, you know?
SPEAKER_02Uh yeah, like ideas at philipmorris.com.
SPEAKER_06Well, just wherever. Just send it to a bunch of emails at Philip Morris where we think they might get it. That someone might actually get it. Yeah. Like, hey, did you send this up the ladder, please?
SPEAKER_02We would have to have something in place legally to make it so that they can't just go, eh, fuck you and your idea. And then next year we see our sig some out on the market. I would literally burn their entire company to the ground. I would make Molotov cocktails if they did that to us. Yeah, we'd have to have protection in place.
SPEAKER_06We'd have to have something. You're right. You're right. I'll go to the patent office. I don't give a fuck. I don't know how I don't even know. I don't know. We'd have to look into it to see if you can even patent something like that. We could document that too. We could call the patent office on the show and talk to them on the Patreon and see what they say. That's true. We could make this a whole arc of our show if we wanted to. I'm down, dude. And I don't even smoke. I'm ready to become sigbarons, dude.
SPEAKER_07Just become known as the fucking ass. The guy the guys who just swindled RJ Reynolds andor Philip Morris into making our idea a reality.
SPEAKER_06Dude. Hopefully. That would be dude. I'd buy them all the time if I saw those. I would start smoking. I would fucking sneak those all the time. That'd be insane. So would Drake. Everybody would. So would the fucking uh the new guy at Drake's place.
SPEAKER_02They would all fucking be smoking them. You could get new smokers because the man on the go who doesn't have time for a whole cigarette. Boom, boom, boom. We're madmanning the fuck out of this right now.
SPEAKER_06Hell yeah, bro. Hell yeah, dude. Mostly you. I've contributed a couple things, I think.
SPEAKER_02Well, this is yeah, it's a joint venture. I would have never thought of it if you didn't have that uh really interesting story about your friend. Yeah, true, true, true, true. And his new coworker who smokes when he's not supposed to.
SPEAKER_06That's true.
SPEAKER_02I would have never thought about it. I was the inspirato somehow.
SPEAKER_06Truth and a half. Truth and a half. Drake's coworker. Um, yeah, hell yeah, dude. Well, that's an episode. Well, let's hurry up and get out of here before anybody steals our idea, goddamn. Yeah, we need to patent it now.
SPEAKER_02Well, I mean, if you want to get in on the ground floor, become uh, you know, an early investor in fives, puffs, five, five hits, the old five hitter mini sigs, uh, hit up our Patreon and you will by default become an early investor and you will receive a fraction of a percent of the money we get in return for your investment in us. Uh they will? A fraction. Okay. All right. All right. One one millionth is a fraction, Jake. I'll send we'll send them five bucks. I'll put five dollars in an envelope and send it to them.
SPEAKER_06No, I was gonna say we'll send them packs of cigs. We'll send them a couple of packs of our mini sigs.
SPEAKER_02On the ground floor. Listen, if you sign up for our Patreon in the next seven days, after hearing this, yep, and we sell our idea for $10 million. If you signed up, I'll send you at least a hundred bucks. Same. Yeah. At least. I'll match it. $200. There you go. You get $200. So basically, you're losing money to our Patreon.
SPEAKER_06If you're not, if you don't, this this saga is gonna take like a year and a half. So you might break even, actually, all of you.
SPEAKER_02But if you sign up for the $10 tier, essentially clocks ticking. We got 20 months for them to break even.
SPEAKER_07Or they're gonna grab pitchforks and fucking show up, dude. Where's our $200? Where's my money, bitch? I want my refund. Also, the $50 in gas it took to get here.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah, then we're probably gonna get shot now that I think about it. Fuck. I'm gonna get fucking fascinated.
SPEAKER_06But still, if you sign up for the $10 in the next seven days, I guess, as well as all of the $10 that are already there.
SPEAKER_02All the value you get from the great content on top of if we become millionaires from our cigarette idea, you will also make 200 bucks. Plus, you get the video game shit.
SPEAKER_06And we we are have not started streaming yet. We're both gonna start streaming relatively soon, and but we haven't started. This is the pre-streaming content. This is like no one else is gonna have this. You're gonna be able to clip some some of this shit out and put it places on like Reddit and shit, and people are gonna be like, Well, what's this from? Yeah, because this isn't out. I haven't seen this on YouTube or Twitch or Kick or whatever, and on the ground floor. What the fuck? And you're gonna be like, This is from the Patreon from a year ago. You're a bitch, you're a fucking fair Farmouth fan. You're a fucking poser, dude.
SPEAKER_02You didn't listen to JT Astronaut back when he was Jake News. Yeah. Fucking nerd.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Fucking loser. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Fuck you, dude. Anyway, dude. All right, yeah, we gotta get the stuff.
SPEAKER_01This will go on real quick.
SPEAKER_02Thank you for listening. Patreon.com slash fartmouth. We won't hard sell you on anymore, but you are losing money by not signing up. I love you, bye.