Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
325 - Diarrizzah
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This week's show features...
- SPOOKS
You remember when people used to say that? That was one of the most short-lived and annoying black-isms. Remember you did a top five blackisms, not one a couple weeks ago. That one was one of the ones I disliked the most. Can you think of any that you disliked?
SPEAKER_04No, I like all of them, I think. You fucking you're just a little I'm in a I'm in a positive, I'm in an optimistic mood right now. I mean, especially about our black brothers and sisters. Fuck off. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_02Where woke minds can find sleep, Farkment University. A cop's favorite prime. His song is too many puppies.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I hope that lady in LA gets justice for her dead dog.
SPEAKER_01So then I started blasting.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Uh I hope that the cop that shot that dog uh gets thrown off of a balcony. Uh that's not not tall enough to kill him, but tall enough to break a bunch of bones.
SPEAKER_01So he has to suffer. So he's forced to have a service dog.
SPEAKER_04Exactly. And then and then that dog gets shot by another cop. Right. Yes. Exactly. And then he he understands the pain that he inflicted on someone else.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, I'm I'm I'm divided on this issue.
SPEAKER_04Have you seen the story?
SPEAKER_01I I've I've saw everything, every question that you have to that you have to ask of me that is related to a national news story, the answer is I saw the headline.
SPEAKER_04Okay, cool, cool, cool.
SPEAKER_01That it will always and forever be the answer, because I don't click and read articles. Oh, okay. The ones I do are about uh video games that I'm interested in coming out soon. Yeah. And then I read every word. Yeah, right. I'm like, oh, what did they say about Elder Scrolls 6? Oh shit. That's the same fucking thing they've said for like the last 12 months in a row. It's never new news. Yeah. Anyway.
unknownWhatever.
SPEAKER_04So you heard about it. Yeah. She was celebrating the next victory.
SPEAKER_01The joke of the division in my brain is that I hate dogs, but I also hate cops, so I'm kind of they cancel each other out. Oh, god. Nice. But I do hate cops more than I hate dogs.
SPEAKER_04So that's that's how it should be.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I don't like the thing is I would never go anywhere willingly, knowing there's a cop there to like hang out and have fun. Yeah. But if there's a dog there, I'll be like, all right, cool. Fine. Whatever. You know.
SPEAKER_04Depends on the dog how how excited you are.
SPEAKER_01It never depends on the cop.
SPEAKER_04Right. Exactly. Never. Never depends on that. That's how you know, dude. Because if it's Beano, it doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_01If the cop is like, hey man, I have some cocaine, even then I'm like, this is entrapment.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, exactly. You're entrapping me. You're fucking you're full of shit. You're gonna say it's my cocaine.
SPEAKER_01Exactly. Yeah. Whenever the actual cops show up, that shit's getting sprinkled on my corpse that you just created. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04You fucking like I'm a fucking labradoodle in a Knicks shirt.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_04Which literally the well, he was gray, but he he had on a Nick's t-shirt. How can how are you gonna shoot a dog in a t-shirt, dude? That's fucking crazy. It's not like a fucking pit bull with like a spiked chain or nothing, dude. A fucking labradoodle in a t-shirt, and you murdered it right outside of its front door. Bullshit. Crazy, dude.
SPEAKER_01I hate that. Anyway, welcome everyone to Fart Mount Bond. Oh fuck. I'm starting fires. Do it. Do the intro. The cherry of your cigarette fell off, and you almost caught the couch that we're both occupying on fire.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, and there's a bunch of like uh animal hair and the crack over there.
SPEAKER_01This was about to be a different podcast. If you had if you just had an ant colony in the couch, this would be a this show would be so different if that were the case.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, dude, I feed him.
SPEAKER_01You feed him nicotine pouches like Brandon Thrasher. Yeah, dog. He's dropping Alps in the couch and you're just hanging out.
SPEAKER_04No, they probably do get a Cheerio or two every now honey nut Cheerio. That's my nighttime snack now, listener. Dry nutrient with milk. Dry, dog. That's out of the fucking box.
SPEAKER_01Fire, dude.
SPEAKER_04So good.
SPEAKER_01It's so fire.
SPEAKER_04I understand why old people do that shit. It's fucking fantastic.
SPEAKER_01I'm a big fan of honey nut Cheerios too, because I'm not a big sweets guy. So like all the fu like Lucky Charms is too much. Like the just the little grain motherfuckers with the tiny bit of sugar coating. I'll fucking chow down on those, but you can keep those marshmallows.
SPEAKER_04Frosted Cheerios is way overboard.
SPEAKER_02Way over Honey Nut Cheerios?
SPEAKER_04Perfect amount of sweetness.
SPEAKER_01You know what my motherfucking bag is, dude? What? Raisin bran crunch.
SPEAKER_04Ooh! I'm not a huge fan, but I I can understand why you like it.
SPEAKER_01I like it a lot because I don't like frosted flakes. Because the the flakes are like already kind of sweet and then they frost them.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Raisin bran is like fucking. I need to be able to shit later food. It's like old people prune juice in in fucking bran form.
SPEAKER_04In flake form.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. But the raisin bran crunch, it's like we take that old people shit and then we coat it in a little bit of sugar. Yeah. It makes it nice and crunchy, and there's little bits of fucking uh Grenola. Granola in there. Dog. That's the only cereal that I will ride or die for. And I know it's fucking weird and obscure, but like I said, welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast. A show whose host recently made the brutal mistake of ordering food from Pizza Hut and got a horrific stomachache from it. Call that shit diarrheza diarrhea.
unknownGod damn it.
SPEAKER_01Every week we do a few rotating segments to make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. We got one segment for you kids this week. And I'll tell you what, it's become my favorite. It's pretty fun. What could be not having to actually come up with any material for the show and just reading other people's shit? I know, dude. Yeah, that's right. Spooks. Resolution.
SPEAKER_04The resolution.
SPEAKER_01Beautiful resolution. The interesting thing about this is uh we're somewhat entering a new era. We are with Spurgy Spooks. We are. This will be our first spooks episode. Sans. We have we have a chef-size hole in our heart.
SPEAKER_04We do, man. And we didn't message him today, so maybe next week we try. I'm scared. I am too. I'm so scared. He went private and that scared me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It is worrying. It's worrisome.
SPEAKER_04I'm like, does he know?
SPEAKER_01I don't think he knows.
SPEAKER_04He can't know. We would have gotten a message on something. Surely. I think, you know. Or you know a cease and desist. In our in our copyright strike. We're reading his copyrighted shit stories. No one no one else would have written it like that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04But he's got a point.
SPEAKER_01In our uh two-hour long fucking acid trip of an episode last week, we neglected to read Spotify comments. Oh fuck! After the week before we haven't done it in a while. Like jamming on people for not leaving them. Yeah, yeah. Especially the faithful and loyal Arden Jay. I'm sure he's he's either he said, fuck you guys, and he's done. Yeah. Or he's gonna clap back and be like, listen, you fucking creetin.
SPEAKER_04Okay, so Riverside Rat Kings, 323.
SPEAKER_01This is the one we had no comments on.
SPEAKER_04We yeah, and then now we do.
SPEAKER_01Week of.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. So one week ago now, uh, Cody said, Jake thinking he can shoot out five ounces of nut in a day is somehow the craziest thing I've heard from this podcast. And then he replied to himself and he said, Keep it up, boys.
SPEAKER_01Dude, I'm telling you, Cody, I was like instantly like this dude does not understand weights and measures at all.
SPEAKER_04Obviously not, dude. I needed Johnny Harris or Johnny Harris? Yeah, Johnny Harris. I keep thinking it's not Harris. Johnny Harris's fucking video on the metric system to get that wrapped around my fucking noggin.
SPEAKER_01I think where your brain went now that I'm thinking about it, is it's it is confusing that there's ounces as far as a weight and ounces as far as a volumetric measure. He went into that on his video. Yes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yep, it fucked me up. So Robbie Kitchens says. Robbie Kitchens? Yep. That's a sick name. Robbie Kitchens. When Tyler was talking about Blackjack, he let out a little soft A. Usually we get hard R's. Good job, Tyler.
SPEAKER_01I thought that was going to be a criticism. Bring back the hard R's. This is what you you brought us here with the hard Rs, and now you're you're holding out on us.
SPEAKER_04Uh Arden J says drinking mad dog on purpose is a wild plan, but y'all better do it. Oh, dude. I can't wait to be a goy slave surf in Fartmouthopolis. And then Robbie says 2020 aren't bad. 20 out of 20 aren't bad. More of a four-loco guy myself. He meant mad dog 2020. Just the way it's written, that doesn't look like you're talking about mad dog 2020.
SPEAKER_01He's talking about 2020 the television.
SPEAKER_04I know, dude. I was like, I was like, it's either the television program, there's a slash, so the the year doesn't make sense. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, sorry. Hindsight 2020. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04On reading that fucking comment. Yeah. Uh 2020 are not bad. You're right. But I I've never been, I've had a four loco once or twice. Oh, we got a whole nother episode worth of conversations. Yeah, no, no.
SPEAKER_01No, let's let's go let's jam on this uh mad dog 2020 idea.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm I'll just go so I remember, you know.
SPEAKER_01There's a handful.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, the 2020s. I've told I've told this story, I know, but very briefly. Uh old band I was in, we were going to a city like an hour north of here. Yeah. So I took this is the first time me and one of the guitar players rode together. Uh uh, Travis. We rode together, uh, and he fucking wanted to stop by the liquor store on the way up. And I was like, My brother. I was like, I was like, sure, dog. I was like, fine. I wasn't gonna fucking be a lame and say no. Uh, and I fucking pulled up to the fucking liquor store. He gets out, or I think we both went in and uh he was like, Let's do this, and he grabbed the fucking mad dog off the show. What flavor? I I want to say it was dragon fruit. Damn it. It was dragon fruit, it was dragon fruit.
SPEAKER_01I'm remembering that's that's new tech because I haven't had mad dog 2020 since I was a teenager.
SPEAKER_04Well, this was in 2016.
SPEAKER_01You know what flavors they had when I was a teenager?
SPEAKER_04What? What'd they have?
SPEAKER_01They had blue, yeah, they had classic grape, yeah, and they had orange. Nice, and that was practically it.
SPEAKER_04I want to say the dragon fruit was like a dark reddish, pinkish something or other. So he gets the dragon fruit, and it's like the pint. It's like the bigger bottle. Like, you know, they make the tiny ones or tinier ones, the little flasky ones. Yeah, yeah. This one's like the big bottle.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the girthy bitch. Yeah, really fucking holding it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it was like a big, yeah. So uh, and he, you know, we get back in the car, and he as we are driving, now we're on the highway, he cracks open this bottle of mad dog. And he also fucking loads his bowl up. He gets his bowl out of his little pack he's got. I miss this guy. He gets his bowl out. It was so fun to pick up. Dude, he gets his bowl out, he packs weed in it, he takes a hit, he's like, You want to hit? I was like, Yeah, I'll do the carb, but I I want my other hand on the steering wheel. And he was like, All right, I got you. And he held the bowl in my hand, it was real cute, and he lit it, and I did the carb. He held it in my mouth in his hand, and uh I fucking you know hit uh hit the bowl two or three times. We passed this mad dog back and forth the whole way up. This is so sick for an hour. I'm proud of you for doing that. Dude, when we got there, we're thinking there's an opening band before us, supposed to be, right? But as shows go around here, the opening band didn't show up. We're up, dude. We literally we started playing like maybe 15, 20 minutes after we get there. Jeez, dude. I'm fucked up, dude. Like we're we are both tying one on. Him less than me, because he's less of a lightweight on both fronts. Right. But half of a pint of mad dog and three hits of weed got me set, bro. Of course. Here's the kicker and the and the uh the like bow of a detail on this thing. No shelter, and it's blazing fucking hot on a Saturday. In a park, dude, in the middle of like the what would be the quad of this college. What the fuck? This like community college thing, and we're in like the quad area on this piece of fucking concrete, and the sun is beating down on us.
SPEAKER_01Is this uh in OC?
SPEAKER_04Oh uh, it's in uh MC.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_04Um, where the radio station is?
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. It wasn't in Indiana. No, it wasn't. It was in a different state. So I was thinking because you said it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, hour north. Yeah, my bad.
SPEAKER_04So yeah, it is an hour north, technically.
SPEAKER_01I was thinking it's also that way. I was thinking Raider County. Oh, yeah, I got you.
SPEAKER_04I got you, I got you. Uh no, uh, so we we fucking uh yeah, we uh were real fucked up, played the show like that. I couldn't see my tuner because the sun's beating down and it's a red LED digital tuner telling me what fucking what note I'm on, and uh, there's no way for me to like shade it right. It's so bright.
SPEAKER_01You gotta hold your hat over and I'm like now you can't see the sun's in your eyes.
SPEAKER_04I'm also fucked up, so I can't coordinate all of this shit at the same time. Anyway, so that's my experience with Mad Dog. It was a great one.
SPEAKER_01I mean, so I'd like to recreate it during uh a stint of the fart party. I'm I'm fully committed to doing the mad dog.
SPEAKER_04I'm so happy about that.
SPEAKER_01My memories of mad dog were all from high school. It was it was the first alcohol that my mom co-signed allowing me to drink as a fucking teenager. Nice. Because like I had uh, I mean, my mom was like, she picked and chose, man, whether she was gonna be a cunt or fucking cool. And and one of the like laurels she rested upon, one of the the hills that she died on, was I know you're like you're a fucked up kid and you're gonna go out and do fucked up shit. Yeah. So I would rather just like buy alcohol and you drink at home and not be out fucking getting arrested.
SPEAKER_04Our moms had the same philosophy on that.
SPEAKER_01Word. Uh so she went to the liquor store and got I asked for Jaeger because I had heard all the cool shit about Jaeger.
unknownJaeger!
SPEAKER_01So she gets a fifth of Jaeger and no, that's crazy. Like three or four uh pints of mad dog. And I tried it, I tried Jaegermeister for the first time at 14. And at first I fucking hated it. But here's the thing. I cracked that Jaeger bottle open and just started drinking out of it like it was fucking Mott's. Right. Like I was just slurping down some apple juice. And I was like, what the fuck is that?
SPEAKER_04Why is everyone bragging on this shit?
SPEAKER_01Why does everyone think this is cool?
SPEAKER_04It tastes like garbage. Why is this a symbol of badass teenager status? I don't get it.
SPEAKER_01I didn't get it at all. Yeah. But it fucked, dude, that one big like I took a gulp out of that thing and it fucked me up instantly. Yeah. But I was like, I don't like this. Let me get one of those mad dogs. It's like, it's fucking neon blue. Of course that's gonna be awesome.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, dog. That's it's like Kool-Aid that gets you fucked up. Exactly. Exactly that.
SPEAKER_01It tasted like Kool-Aid and it got me fucked up. Yeah. But I put the the Jaeger in the freezer, and then like two, three weeks later, I was like, I want to get fucked up. Out of the freezer, Jaeger tastes a hundred percent. It does, yes. It's so much better out of the yeah, much smoother.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh so I I mainlined vodka, Jaeger, and uh Bush Light all through high school. That was my my jam. I didn't revisit Mad Dog a lot because it was kind of fruity and I, you know, everybody the minute you would be like, you know, sometimes I like sugar. Everyone's like, faggot, queer, homo. Yeah. Anything that's like not just manly, yeah. I drink I would drink straight vodka out of the bottle.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it sucks to drink.
SPEAKER_01If you're queer if you don't if you mixed any of your liquor, you were a fag. Yeah. Straight up. There was no Jaeger bombs. There wasn't red bulls. There wasn't, you know, fucking uh the one thing I did do though was uh Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper. That shit fire, dude. Dude. Straight fire.
SPEAKER_04Give me, give me a fucking Coca-Cola. Let me put some uh fucking wild turkey honey in that motherfucker. That's perfect vacation. I like that. Do that at like seven o'clock and hit the bowl. You're set, dude. You just you're drinking, you keep keeping you babysit that motherfucker to keep a nice buzz tied on while you're high. You never get into the crossfade area. You know, you gotta you can't step over that line.
SPEAKER_01You just nurse Jakey in there.
SPEAKER_04But you can you can scoot right up to that line, dude. You can scoot your ass right up there where you're feeling so good.
SPEAKER_01I love it.
SPEAKER_04Usually when I'm in a different environment, I'll do that shit. You know, when I'm on vacation or something, where I'm like, it's like that shit helps my nerves, you know, from the like newness of whatever's happening.
SPEAKER_01Takes the edge off. Yeah, exactly. Uh one last thing on Mad Dog. Sure. We got fucking Jody B in the Discord, like, guys, don't do it. Like he's warning us about mad dog. Like, we haven't been there done that. He's like, You're gonna hate it. I'm like, bro. No trust and believe, dude, it'll be fine.
SPEAKER_04Dude, it's it's the type of thing. See, instead of last year, where we started the fucking beer game early and I got all fucked up. Mad dog on Friday night. There's only one of them. I'm not gonna throw up even if I chug one of them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think we do everybody gets one mad dog. Right. And I think that we duct tape it to the hand. Sure. To the left hand.
SPEAKER_04Sure.
SPEAKER_01You can still piss with your right, right? You can throw the football, it'll be really funny to play catch with the football with mad dog duct tape to your left hand.
SPEAKER_04Dude, that's a great idea. I'm telling you, dude. Dude, I almost okay, now I have to. I almost the other day I almost bought a fucking American flag football. Like it was just a football, but it had the American flag design all over it, and white laces looked cool as fuck. I it was pretty crisp. It was in, I was in Meyer. I walked right by it, I saw it, I was like, is it worth seven dollars for me to have that football? And I I kept going. I was disciplined in that moment monetarily. But if I if I happen to see another one of those, it's mine. And we're gonna play with it at the fucking fart party.
SPEAKER_01What if we play smear the terrorist? He stole the flag. Sure. Take it down.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Smear the Muslim queer. Smear the communist queer.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Fuzz the muzz, dude. What's uh was what are the comments from uh last week's episode? I don't even remember. I titled it, I just titled it irregardless because I was the only thing I could remember in the moment.
SPEAKER_04Dude, we could we could just read comments and that be the show, honestly.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I thought it was really funny that I played the the drop for the segment 20 minutes ago.
SPEAKER_04I had that thought too, man. Uh okay. So six days ago, Robbie Kitchens on our last episode said Robbie Kitch, hit that hard. Holy shit, I've never seen Jake so pissed. You had me kind of scared, lol. That is pretty messed up, though. All my homies hate Gail. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah, Robbie.
SPEAKER_01You got the best homies. I will be honest, when you were like, I'm used to it now, but you were like at a new dude, yeah. Peak. The magnitude was at a new fucking peak.
SPEAKER_04I felt it.
SPEAKER_01And I wasn't scared, but I was like, What the fuck?
SPEAKER_04Like you're gonna calm down in a sec, right? Like, this is just for the effect though.
SPEAKER_01Like you good, dog? Like, do you do we need to pause and talk about this?
SPEAKER_04Dude, honestly, I think do you mean to stroke you a little bit? I think I needed to blow my top like once, real good, like that. And the fact that I had an audience kind of helped me to like fully get there.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a much healthier way to blow that steam off.
SPEAKER_04Because today, today we had a fucking lady who's not even supposed to be declining shit or rejecting shit. She tried to reject some shit that would it wouldn't create a bunch of extra work for me, but it kind of would because it Would tie up another department that I would have to help. And normally I would have gotten extremely mad about this. Right. But instead, I fucking flipped it on its head and I was like, I'm gonna help try to mitigate this. I'm gonna help try to undo this wrong.
SPEAKER_01Water off of Jake's back.
SPEAKER_04And I fucking did. It worked.
SPEAKER_01I love that like 90% of the puns I try to make with your name don't quite work. No, no. They just don't work enough to be funny.
SPEAKER_04Like they're just barely like it's like quirky, but not quite to the point of inducing laughter. But yeah, but you you're like, ha, I get it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah there was one I did earlier, I can't remember what it was now, but it was like not quite.
SPEAKER_04Dude, that's that's where I live. At least you passed that point a lot of times. I I that's where I'm at. And once in a blue moon, I fucking push out of that atmosphere.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna do a shameless plug real quick for the Patreon. Just if there's anyone out there on the fence about the $10 show, Jake said one of the funniest things he's ever said in his entire fucking life on the $10 show.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, this week. It was it was pretty good.
SPEAKER_01It made me laugh out loud, and then I stopped and laughed out loud again because it like it hit me again. Like it was such a burner, dude. It was like it had a nice pop, and then it kept burning like napalm. Like a stir-fry.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a stir fry.
SPEAKER_01We both had one.
SPEAKER_04It was an Asian joke, but it was so good.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god, bro.
SPEAKER_04Oh man. We both did Asian things, but but yours wasn't quite like in it.
SPEAKER_01It wasn't like obviously Asian.
SPEAKER_04It was to me, but not to the audience anyway. Yeah, but they didn't know anyway.
SPEAKER_01Old fucking bottle rocket joke over here. If you listen to the tin, it'll all make sense. Holy fuck, man. Uh so I'm gonna be thinking about that for the rest of the week.
SPEAKER_04So then uh yeah, that yeah, that was I gotta tip my head a little bit to myself.
SPEAKER_01I guarantee you that is an Asian joke no one's ever made before.
SPEAKER_04It's so specific. Potentially, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't think I've never like a lot of podcasts, man. A lot of white dudes doing podcasts out there, a lot of jokes, and that particular one I feel like is like a new, a little new uh chink in the uh the old arm.
SPEAKER_04Uh Arden J also commented on uh episode 324, and he said, uh, listening to two guys talk about pegging with a Hot Wheels bus while playing Pokemon Platinum, maybe this world isn't too bad. And then uh a reply to his own comment. Irregardless of what people say about this show, I could care uh fucking semicolon, I could care less. Semicolon, it's great. Just don't take their spelled wrong jokes personal. Nice, Arden.
SPEAKER_01Oh, because that was that was when we ripped it.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah. Anyways, for all intensive purposes, love the show.
SPEAKER_01He's hitting he's he's he's trying to trigger us.
SPEAKER_04Hell yeah, dude. I I love it. I love it. Continue to do that. That's awesome. Uh if you want. Cody says, uh, yeah, fuck Abby. Jake has me pissed off now.
SPEAKER_01Oh, Abby from work. Yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_04That's right. Fuck. And haven't had any more uh Abby accidents happening, so we're we're all good. It's uh incidents, I guess. But still how Abby normal. Uh yeah. Uh word. It is funny that Abby and Gail are in the story and Abby Gail is a name. That's kind of funny. That's hilarious, actually. When they team up, it's Abigail, like like uh Brangelina, you know. Oh, I see. Uh yeah. Mm-hmm. It's funny. It's let's let's do stories. It's funnier to me that that's neither of their real names. No, right, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh spooks, dude. Yeah, dude. I mean, now that the commons have burnt quite a bit of time, great time. Better than these stories are gonna be, uh, most likely. So I'm just kidding. Mine's gonna be great. Mine, I think.
SPEAKER_01In recent memory, I've had a lot of ho-hum stories that didn't really fucking click, that didn't really hit the thing I was going for, where I either didn't do enough research, didn't wasn't diligent enough about what the story I was finding, maybe just went off title, etc. I found one recently that I think had a really good, good fucking pop. Um and in my searching today for to find another story, it took me a hot minute, dude. I was like really reading through these things trying to find like I need it to I needed to click like it like like local chef almost. And I read that story uh the last time we did this about the guy that worked at the mental hospital had the new patient, yeah, and that fucking hammered. It was very good. I stumbled upon part two to that story. Yeah, I'm pretty excited about it. So to kind of give you guys a brief synopsis of where we left off, guy works in a mental hospital, I'm just a janitor, it pays a lot, but uh there's a weird there's a weird dude that is there. Uh the entire story was one run-on sentence with maybe two periods in the whole entire thing. Yeah. Uh there was a guy named Jeff. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_04That clicked for me.
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes. Uh, and it was like uh a 13-year-old that wanted to play video games, and the story ended with, I said that's good, we can play. Like that shit fucking it threw me. Um so we got a part two.
unknownOh yeah.
SPEAKER_01I gotta play the bed. Yeah. Uh hang on. Hold. We're I'm trying to figure out this sound thing so that it's not as much of a fucking hassle.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's cool. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, you've already done it. Boom. Left-handed even. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stranger on that keyboard. Part fucking two. I did jerk I jerked off the other day with my left hand. I started with the left hand, and I was like, ugh, nice. I hadn't jerked off in like five or six days. I I don't think about it. I just when the mood strikes me, I do it. And the mood doesn't always strike me. And I jerked off the other day. This is not the story, by the way, guys. I know the I know the music bett is playing. This is just my real life for a second before I start reading.
SPEAKER_04It makes everything scary.
SPEAKER_01So there I was, in bed, jerking off with my left hand. I started off that way though. And then I smelled a fart. And I realized I was doing it, and I was like, this is it was honestly, I was a little tired and I was like, this is kind of inefficient. Like, I'm not gonna get the job done in the time frame I want. Um actually, you know what? Now that I think about it, it was this morning when I first woke up. I woke up, you know, morning wood, etc., etc. Right and uh a thought occurred to me, and that thought, I like ran with it, and I was like, oh yeah. Sick. I like that thought. And I jerked off to a thought this morning. And it something about jerking off in the morning is so much fucking faster. Nice. I don't know what it is. Oh, yeah, it is. Even like fucking it. Six in the morning is fast, yeah. It's fucking blood. We've talked about it. Must be like right after sleep, you're you know, you know how really sensitive. You know how I know we've talked about this before? Because the words appear appeared in my brain. Sure. You said you haven't been through the trials and tribs of the day. Oh I remember that so vividly because it's so it's such a fact. It's not even like it's just a perfect observation.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01The trials and tribs of the day. I need to write a book. I do I could not disagree more. But also, do it.
SPEAKER_04My writing's better than my speaking, so.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, it's just it depends on what you're writing about. If you're writing a narrative story like a like a fictional novel, that's funny. I'm down.
SPEAKER_04But a self-help book, no. Please don't give that to the world actually. I would love if you did. But do. Yeah. It'll mostly be about how to last during sex. That'll be half the book.
SPEAKER_01Fucking 300 pages on like thinking about Kevin Spacey's head.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Bouncing around. I gave someone that uh pointer on uh Reddit the other day. They were like, I can't last during sex. It's really fucking with my girlfriend and all this shit. And uh I was like, uh I told him about the uh breathing slow, and then I said, and this is a weird one, and uh I was told this before uh all of the problematic shit, but I told him the whole thing. Nice. Well, I haven't checked to see if how it's doing. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But the shit worked for me once. That's all you need. That's all the evidence you need. Anyway, yeah. Alright. Stories. Part two. Something's weird with the Octonaut CD case I bought. Hi, you probably know me from the hospital story. Yeah, I have another story to tell. It's not about the hospital. Okay, thanks. Sick, dude. Setting it up real nice. This is not part two. This is a new story, but the same character.
SPEAKER_04Set in the same universe, the same cinematic universe.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so anyway, I had that weird hospital. That was crazy, right? So then I was at home, anyways. This is the same literary universe. Yeah. But I have a lot of those, as you all know, my old friend. Jeff, the one who was arrested for murder and and kind of framed it by it. Entity. I don't know really. I've been hanging out with him a lot after I'm done work, like play video games, watch. I swear to god, that's how it's written. That's crazy. That is why. This sounds like a six-year-old telling you.
SPEAKER_04This is like if local chef got hit in the head with a hammer a couple of times, bro.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. I fucking love this.
SPEAKER_04This is like if local chef played a couple of NFL games, you know?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Like in real life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, this is uh local chef Aaron Hernandez.
SPEAKER_03Yep.
SPEAKER_01TV shows and hang out with him in general. He has recently been into the Octonauts, like really into it, and his birthday was coming up, and I thought it would be a good idea to buy him some CD sets of the Octonauts. So I decided to buy one online. It was seasons one, two, three, and one, and the one I bought said there would be extra content. There was a period, and that threw me off. I'm sorry. Fuck. Not used to those in these sorts. That's crazy. I thought it would just be like, you know, some extra songs, maybe, some from the uh musical. Look it up. Dude, this is so hard to read. I'm sorry, guys. I I know it makes me sound retarded, but I'm like trying to read this. You're channeling retardation. It's such a run-on sentence. This is what it says. I thought it would just be like, you know, from some extra songs, maybe some from the musical look it up. There is an actual Octonauts musical. I don't, I'm not making this up. I don't, I'm not making this up. I was very wrong though, when I finally got it, it was late and I was a little drunk. Dude, it's all just run-on sentence after run-on sentence. It's hard. Fuck. So hard to read. You have to like try to find the natural stopping points and pauses, and it's difficult.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Anyway. I'll try that whole sentence over again. Ugh, god damn. I thought it would just be like, you know, some extra songs. Maybe some from the musical. Look it up. There was an actual Octonauts musical. I'm not making this up. I was very wrong. Though when I finally got it, it was late, and I was a little drunk, just like me. So so that I decided to put it in my CD player, and I decided to watch some of the extra stuff just to see what it was. And it wasn't an extra song or something from musical or anything behind the scenes. It was an entirely extra episode. But it had a weird animation style. It looked it kind of looked like the art style from the book. I don't know what Octonauts is. It makes it really hard for me to do it.
SPEAKER_04I've heard of it for sure. I feel like I need a Japanese thing, I think. I need to just like real quick look up what Octonauts is. I might be wrong, but I I wanna say uh Autokon in Metal Gear Solid tells you about it. It it looks like it's an old anime. It looks like Bluey. Oh, really?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like that's shit.
SPEAKER_04Oh, am I cra am I fucking crazy?
SPEAKER_01Is that I I don't it looks like uh it looks like a little kid's like bluey type TV show from 2010. Wow, okay. 7.5 out of ten on uh IMDB. Octonauts is a popular educational animated children's series following a crew of anthropomorphic animals who explore the oceans, rescue marine life, and protect aquatic habitats. Led by Captain Barnacle's Bear. The crew This is good reading. AI this guy should run all of his stories through AI for all the commas and shit.
SPEAKER_04Police knots. That's what made me think of it. Police knots. Sorry guys, I'm not insane. There was a knot. There was an N-A-U-T knot. Nautical.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Uh alright, so I will now try to understand this story through the lens of like it's just bluey underwater. Sure. Cool. Something from musical or anything behind the scenes. It was an entirely extra episode, but it had a weird animation style. It kind of looked like the art style from the book. It was 2D, but the show is used like 3D. So this should have been my first signed something was wrong. But I was drunk and stupid. I thought it was a pilot episode. It was opening in C, and I saw all the characters, all the Octonauts, but one was missing. Quasi. One of the main characters. As he has shown in most episodes, I thought it was really weird. None of the characters seemed to mention it. But one Dashi looked very confused, like she was confused. Like something was missing. And she said, Hey guys, do you know we're quasi? I haven't seen him all day. The rest of the octonauts looked at each other. What they did mention it. They did, totally. Immediately, actually. It's like immediately when he thought of it, they mentioned it.
SPEAKER_04Like he goes, none of the characters mentioned it. And then one of the characters mentioned it.
SPEAKER_01The rest of the octonauts looked at each other like they knew something. Barnacles looked at I know who Barnacles is now. Yeah. He's the main character. He's a bear. Oh no. Barnacles looked at Dashi. A nervous voice said, We won't know where he is. He's probably doing something, you know? You know how he was always h so hyper. Sometimes when I inhale sharply while I have a nicotine pouch in, I suck nicotine into my throat. Yeah. Ugh, sorry. I get it. Dashi looked at the others and said, Yeah, he's usually very hyper, but he usually doesn't want to be alone at all. Barnacles looked at the others and said, He's probably just asleep. Dashi, if nothing, you should look into it. Dashi said, No, this isn't right. I know he has narcolepsy.
SPEAKER_04I'm guessing that was a Google search.
SPEAKER_01Dude, narcolepsy is such a crazy fucking pull. What the hell? What the fuck? I think he can fall asleep randomly sometimes, that is the definition. But actually, during cold weather today is pretty warm, maybe. I was just panicking about how he how we go back. He's probably asleep somewhere. He might have drowned.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01He took his helmet off to go to sleep. His fucking fishbowl helmet. They went back to the octopod. Sick, dude. I kinda want to watch this show. Yeah. Because it's got some pretty dope elements to it, I think. Yeah. At this time I realized something was wrong, and the show is never really stated that Quasi has narcolepsy. I gathered that. The fucking Blue E underwater didn't mention narcolepsy as a concept to children. It's just more like a headcanon. But as I watched them go back, I realized I should continue watching. Mostly because I was drunk. Yeah. I also had this feeling that I stopped watching something bad might happen. They all entered the octopod. Barnacles took Dashi's arm and said, Maybe you should go to the library. It I know, and it helps you sometimes. Dashi looked at him weirdly and said, Okay. Oh, she walked towards the library. I got a bad feeling about something that was going to happen to her, something I may not like, and as I watched her enter the library, I realized that the library, never really showing the door, looked really detailed and really nice, but way too high. And when she entered, Quasi was there, and he walked up to her and said, Dashi, are you okay? I was looking for you and I. Dashi said, Calm down. I'm okay. Why are you here? Quasi said, I was told to come in here by barnacles. I don't really know why, really. I realized that Quasi was it really looking in the normal accent. I thought it was because maybe the voice actor for the show wasn't hired until the show was picked up. But I realized it was not bad. He he was talking in American accent. I thought it was really weird at this point. I should have turned off the TV, go to bed by another set the next day, but my drunk ass decided to continue watching, and they talked for a while. They talked for a while. I don't know why that got me. But they just they just kept talking. Yeah. And I was like, dude, I'm drunk, I'm in. This is fucking sick.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Watching them talk in the library. It's it's exciting.
SPEAKER_01And then something weird showed up. A human-looking shadow showed up and said, Hello. Oh my god. You probably wondering why you're here. Well, it's simple. Your reality is not real. And somehow, something inside you guys was always aware of that. That part of you know that you were not in the usual 3D. There's something you have to know. You can't leave this cartoon multiverse thing. What the fuck is this about? This is so half-baked. Six-year-old stream of consciousness, like it's like this dude was like listening to his kid, and he was just like turned on his dictation on his phone. Yeah. But even the dictation would add fucking punctuation. Okay. You have to know you can't leave this cartoon cartoon multiverse thing. All you can do it's help others realize the truth. You are real, just going to be reshaped it, and copy of you being created. Do you accept my offer? What the fuck? There was no offer, dude. Do you accept my offer? Oh my god. Okay, okay. Quasi said that's not really an offer. Hey, quasi fucking on it, dude. Dude, on point. Quasi might as well be Richard Kitchens. Robbie Kitchens. Robbie Kitchens, yeah. Sorry.
SPEAKER_04Richard Kitchens is his government name.
SPEAKER_01This thing happened at work today. And well, okay, no. I I'm gonna pretend it happened at work, but the real story is not at work. Okay. Because I can't say on the show where it actually happened. Sure, sure. But this person said to me that he's like, I want you to fuck with this guy. I want you to fuck with him. Like he's a piece of shit, I want you to fuck with him. His name is Richard.
SPEAKER_05Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01And I started immediately started thinking of ways I could fuck with this guy. Yeah. And the thought that I had was Hello, is this Richard? Yes. Do you prefer Dick? That I'm giving I'm gifting that to all of you as a bit. Every Richard you ever meet, ask them if they prefer Dick.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's great.
SPEAKER_01Just by that. In that, in that in and of itself. Love it, dude. It's such a it's such a great sneak disc. That's fucking awesome. I love it. Anyway, Robbie, kitchens. Do you prefer Dick? Uh yeah. Quasi said that's not really an offer, more like a threat. And what's in it for us at all? Shadow said, I'm so glad you asked. I am too. What you see within it for you, it is very simple. You keep the reality from going destroyed. At all. Your friends get to live a happy life, not okay. Dashi said, That sounds like more of a warping forth into this type of situation. I don't know what to do. I'll just kind of accepted it. But why why are you we created? Why do we exist? Why are we here? The shadow said, Simply, you were created to entertain children and teach them simple facts and all your realities. This guy is like, you were created for simply to entertain children. Stupid. He's such a little cunt. You were created to entertain children and teach them simple facts. And all your realities ever was a kid's show. You ever noticed that you can't cuss or even kiss someone? That's because all of the reality you live in, and the only way to help you like yourself is to make their reality a bit more scary. Unfortunately, like Slender Man, sometimes our methods on protecting the one that we want to protect can be a bit violent and purposely giving it to them. Duh. And then the screen went to black. And I turned off the TV and bought a new television set. What the fuck? Right then, while you were drunk? That's what it says. Because I'm not showing that to Jeff. Because I'm over 100% sure that the voice coming from the police interview with Jeff has some things to do with this. So I hate my life. I really need to leave my town, but I feel like I can't for some reason. I don't know. I don't know. I guess that's it for now. And then he links the original. Right. And then there's a there's a a PS, a post script. In parentheses. This is just the author speaking to the audience. Hi! I get actually banned because I didn't read the guidelines correctly. I broke some of the guidelines on accident. This is for all the moderators. I am so sorry. I apologize once again and hope maybe we can find a sol out solution. I will be posting on a different, another community until I'm unbanned. I'm apologize if this is kind of weird. I'm so sorry. And once again, life is still a very chaotic, especially with the Jeff thing.
SPEAKER_04Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01Dude, what the fuck, dude?
SPEAKER_04I'm not gonna lie. There's something about your local chef. We we need a name at this point, right?
SPEAKER_01Uh I can find the name.
SPEAKER_04Just so we can refer.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Let me uh while you're fit and faster.
SPEAKER_04There's something about this that just it pisses me off more than local chef. Yeah. It pisses me off more than the usual brain dead stories we read sometimes.
SPEAKER_01Well, the thing about local chef is his stories, like this guy's name is Every Week 8097.
SPEAKER_04Week is pretty uh pretty deserved. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um the thing about Local Chef is like his stories seem like they're going somewhere. And there's like there's a legitimate like adult understanding. Whereas this guy is like a fucking retarded child who got a hold of a keyboard and was like, I'm gonna I now am gonna storytell and I've never taken English class ever once.
SPEAKER_04On the way to Shakespeare, this is what the chimpanzees are tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's it's very stream of consciousness, very like what the fuck, dude. Like the point of that whole story is that he watched a little kid's show and it was weird and it was a little bit like self uh not referential, but like it was like it was self-aware, yeah, creepy meta element to it. And this this shadow figure, I guess, is and also it's it's highly derivative. It's like it's fan fiction of Jeff the Killer slash Slenderman mythology. Which in 2026 is fucking bonkers to be writing. Because this is this was written like five days ago. Right. The original story was from two months ago. This is the follow-up from this week. Yeah. Like, what the fuck are you doing? That was that was relevant the last time the Knicks were in the finals.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, for real. Got 'em.
SPEAKER_01Jeff the Killer.
SPEAKER_04Roped in a for a fucking topical thing.
SPEAKER_01Jeff the Killer is one of the like original things I read because I went to Creepypasta from shit that was written in like 2004.
SPEAKER_00Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_01Like, this is original internet content that he's fan fictioning, which was a thing. Like, people wrote like continuations of Jeff the Killer, like fan theories and shit. They would write their own stories based on that because like they got so hype on it. But that was all pre-2010. Like, you're two decades late to writing this weird fucking garbly gook.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even if yeah, even if it was well written, way beyond the time of anyone finding that thing interesting. Yeah. Uh which, you know, as a dude who plays Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, I'm with you, dog.
SPEAKER_01Well, at least there's like there's precedent to Tony Hawk becoming relevant again. There's nothing other than us reading Jeff the Killer, there's really not a whole lot that like lends any uh fucking modernity to any of that.
SPEAKER_04True, true, true. Uh so I I don't know. We're gonna find out together. But I might have found the next local chef. I hope so.
SPEAKER_01Maybe at least mine. I miss him already.
SPEAKER_04So this hopefully this satiates our hunger for the local chefs.
SPEAKER_01Whatever he has to do.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_04His feast. Alright. Here we go. I found secret tapes in the woods. What I saw terrified me. Oh shit.
SPEAKER_05Alright.
SPEAKER_04Go into the piss bucket while you start. That's cool, yeah. I found this tape down the woods. It's safe to say that dot dot, but I shouldn't watch it. During my hike in the woods, I stumbled across this tape that I found on my trip. Yeah. The place I found this tape is down a thicket of branches. The tape was buried deep down the branches near a small detour in the trail. The only reason I found this tape is after we cleared this small pile for us to set up camp, there it was, a tape lying underneath the pile. It's almost as if someone was hiding this thing underneath the pile. I grabbed it and stashed it in my bag for the future. And I continued on with my hike for the next couple of days. When I got home, I then he makes it sound like he was on a hike alone, but it says us and we there for a little bit. When I got home, I looked closely at this tape that I just got. The tape is a VHS tape with a paper note titled Fermom. The only notable thing about the tape is that its shell is somewhat damaged, probably due to the thing being piled underneath the branches and leaves, or it was probably dropped on the ground. Seeing this, my curiosity piqued as I wanted to know what was in that tape. It's on, but yeah. I decided to buy a tape recorder, the cheapest one I can possibly find. I scoured the internet for an old tape recorder, and I found an absolutely cheap one for only five dollars. Its owner, a young man living in a modest house doing a garage sale. That that's not you need more to the sentence if you start its owner, hmm. Anyway, he told me that he decided to sell off some of his father's belongings as he doesn't need any of it anymore, and he was willing to get rid of it for an absolutely cheap price. I bought it, plugged it in my TV, and finally I placed the tape inside the recorder and played it. The recorder was that archaic as the quality of the image was compressed in a 4-3 format.
SPEAKER_01Which meant.
SPEAKER_04Which meant it left lots of space to the side of my TV screen. The recorder began to play the footage in it. When he says recorder, he's literally he literally means the R and VCR.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. Sale consent recorder.
SPEAKER_04That's like if you said, I'm gonna go get some money out of the machine.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04But you said it formally, like that's how everyone says it.
SPEAKER_01I would like to retrieve money from the automated teller machine, please.
SPEAKER_04But he's only using the last word of the acronym. You know what I mean? Like that's weird. That's that's not how you it's a VCR, da.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Video cassette recorder. It's easy. All right. Uh God damn it. I clicked on it, so then I I now I'm editing the document. Okay.
SPEAKER_01When the Oh, you wised up and started copy-pasting your shit?
SPEAKER_04Fuck. Yeah. And now I fucked it up. Uh goddamn. I scrolled. Here we go. Okay, I'm I'm back to the $5, so I'm no, I know I'm close. Uh all right. The b the recorder began to play the footage in it. Uh the footage starts with a man recording their journey in the woods. Who's they? We may never know. Mm-hmm. Uh just walking by the trail.
SPEAKER_00It's Jeff.
SPEAKER_04The camera person wandered aimlessly in the woods, only stopping when he wanted to point the camera somewhere else and look around. This went on for a couple of minutes before I finally saw something that raised my eyebrows. Oh. When the camera person walked toward a th what if it was the rock? Sorry. That's only one eyebrow. That doesn't make sense. Uh when the camera person walked towards a thick set of brushes, fuck. Brush happened a lot earlier, and my brain just was like, that's gotta be brush. It's got most of the letters. It's brushes. Towards a thick set of bushes, he then began to point the camera somewhere, but at first it was completely out of focus when we saw it. Who's we, dog? The cameraman then adjusted the contrast of the video, zoomed it even more, zoomed it in even more, and then corrected the focus of the video. It revealed a small house in the distance, situated on top of a small hillside connected by a dirt driveway leading downhill. Dude, I love a small hillside. Yeah, dog. After a couple of minutes of silence, the cameraman finally began to speak. The compound. Many people around the area talked about this place. Okay. Here we are.
unknownDamn.
SPEAKER_04The cameraman eventually zoomed out, but maintaining focus on the house in the distance. The recording then pans side to side, checking what is within its surroundings. On the left side of the property is dense forest, with parts of the dirt road extending deep within the tree line. On the right of the property is a fenced area. Within it is an open field, it's not open if it's fenced, filled with random objects such as furniture, appliances, and tools, all piled in a single area. Then it's not filled, it's just there's a pile of shit. It's littered. But I don't even he says there yeah, I guess a single area, but still piled implies that it's a big pile of shit. Beyond that is mostly thick forest and not much else of note. The cameraman then explained what that property is supposed to be. According to him, the house was once owned by a family who lived there for 50 years. Whoa. Then the house was eventually sold to another family. That's how that shit works. Which is now the family that was supposed to live in that house. He said that the family is owned by a small The family is owned by a small family from Canada. I guess the I guess the property is owned by uh from Canada, who then moved down here. Ew, dude. Yeah, dude. Who then moved here down here in New England.
SPEAKER_01I see.
SPEAKER_04Now we know where we are. Yep, we got it. He further explained that the family is a bit of a mystery for the residents within the vicinity of his home.
SPEAKER_01He notes their heads are fucking detached. They flap her Yeah. Well, they curse. Their tires are square.
SPEAKER_04He notes that one homeowner not far from the area told the cameraman that he once observed the family walking by the trails, just near the trail system where the homeowner is far from. He claimed that the father of the family was talking about something, one where he noted that the mother looked at the father blank-eyed, almost as if he said something he shouldn't. Starting to dip into uh old weak territory here.
SPEAKER_01I forgot that they made the tires square. So fucking funny, dude. Yeah. Dude, South Park is so good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04The children, however, were none the wiser as they strolled the wooded area, oblivious to what is being talked about by the parents. This is a story that the cameraman is telling while we're seeing footage of the area. Just so we're clear. He then told another story. This one is that of another homeowner living next to a lake that he was hunting for deer one cold morning when he saw in the reticle of the man's rifle scope the family strolling. The hunter, of course, did not pay any attention to the family when he first saw them strolling by the woods. Minutes passed when he veered back at the family once more. That's not what that word means, and he saw a harrowing sight on him. The cameraman can only describe this account as, quote, the man saw the family gaze at the hunter's general direction, prompting the man to aim the rifle clearly and see what they will do. The accounts, of course, aren't really out of the ordinary, contrary to what the cameraman has to say about this matter. That changed for the worse when he began detailing the third account of his family. Of this family. Okay. He then retold the the account of a hiker who was walking through the wooded area nearby. During the evening, when he was about to set camp, the hiker heard a noise, prompting him to look around and locate the source of the noise. The hiker only saw nothing but the forest around him. The hiker then set up his tent for the night and finally rested. That was until he saw a silhouette of a person standing directly outside of his tent. It says test, but I favor give him a favor there, alarming the hiker. Before he even unzipped the tent, the figures disappeared. You said it was one figure.
SPEAKER_01There's a fine line between tentacles and testicles.
SPEAKER_04But not be especially if you're uh Asian. Uh but not before hearing noises from a distance moving away from the tent. The hiker story doesn't sound unrelated at first, but the cameraman argued that this is the family in question who decided to approach the tent and investigate.
SPEAKER_01I'm lost.
SPEAKER_04I am too, dog. What the fuck? Do I look like fucking Columbo, dude? What the fuck? Okay, here we go. He then retold the account of a hiker who was walking through the wooded area nearby. Gotcha. During the evening, when he set up when he was about to set camp, the hiker heard a noise, prompting him to look around. He looks around. And there was nothing. Silhouette. No, there was nothing at this time. Okay. The hiker then set up his tent for the night and finally rested until he saw the silhouette of a person, one person, standing nearby. Right. Or directly outside of his tent, alarming the hiker. Before he even unzipped the tent, the figures, it says, disappeared. He fucked up, but not before hearing noises from a distance moving away from his tent. So he hears the footsteps. The hiker story doesn't sound unrelated at first. He I think he means here it sounds unrelated at first, but but the cameraman argued that this is the family in question who decided to approach the tent and investigate. He claimed in his own recording that within their right, by the way. Yeah, right, yeah. That the family wanted something to anyone who is in the proximity of their property and they will do something about it if there was any issue. Sounds like someone telling a random person to leave the property, if you ask me, but what do I know? Okay, so even though that was a bunch of jumbled bullshit that could have been handled in three sentences.
SPEAKER_01I can't get over the fact that I wish the camera guy was the one that wrote this story. Right, dude. He sounds like he knows all this shit and would and would probably tell it better.
SPEAKER_04I know. The cameraman then began to make a move toward the property and walked towards the house itself.
SPEAKER_01Not for nothing. Yeah. If I found a V like we found an SD card recently. Yeah. It was a nothing breaker. Right. If I found this tape and I popped it in, I would be glued. Yeah, right. You know, like this is a good premise. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Uh walked toward the house itself. He descended down the slope facing the property. Wouldn't he be going up? It's on a hill. And began to sneak a small hillside. And began to sneakily bolted towards the nearby bushes. There he hid underneath the bushes, and once he felt secured in his hiding spot, he continued to talk.
SPEAKER_01Not one brush in that bush.
SPEAKER_04Honestly, I thought about it for a while. When I heard about the gossip about this property, my conclusion was that there was a family of doomsday preppers making it known that they're going to hide and they will do it against the will of the world.
SPEAKER_01Also, mind your own fucking business. Right, dude.
SPEAKER_04Don't tread on me, brother. What the fuck are you doing?
SPEAKER_01These Canadians are trying to live the American dream. Yeah, they are. They're out here fucking like, what are they doing in there?
SPEAKER_04Yeah, dude. They're just trying to store all the fucking No, never mind. Too low-hanging fruit. Uh I was gonna say something about how maple syrup keeps for a really long time. Anyway, uh now looking closely at it, there's a question mark.
SPEAKER_01No, that's where they're hiding all the Stanley cups.
SPEAKER_04It's oh man.
SPEAKER_03All right. They got the first, they got a first present of every Brian Adams vinyl in there. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04They got my heart will go on. They got they got all of George St.
SPEAKER_01Pierre's championship belts on that property. Like the lost gold of Atlantis.
SPEAKER_03They got old rare Alexis on fire seven inches. They got the steroids Chris Benoit was on when he killed his family up in that compound.
SPEAKER_04They got vials of Benoit's stack. Oh man.
SPEAKER_01That's great.
SPEAKER_04Uh I'm thinking of more, and I can't. I can't think of any more notable Canucks.
SPEAKER_01Uh they got the hidden Drake album in there.
SPEAKER_03All the photos of him with that Millie Bobby Brown when she was underage. I started at the bottom of the small hillside. Now we're here at the top of it. And I done pissed off the doomsday Canucks. They got videos. Yeah. They got more VH test tapes in there labeled Finger 11, but it ain't what you think.
SPEAKER_04It ain't 11 men, I'll tell you that. That's right. Not like I wanted it to be. Okay. Now looking closely at it. Stranger Things.
SPEAKER_05Oh shit.
SPEAKER_04Wait. Wait. Do you think Stranger Things is set in Canada?
SPEAKER_01No, it was so the rumor was that Drake was texting Millie Bobby Brown.
SPEAKER_04Oh fuck. I did not make that. 11. Finger 11. I did not think of the Stranger Things character. I thought my well, much with the lore of the show, my brain went to 11-year-olds as an alternative from the band.
SPEAKER_00It was both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all three.
SPEAKER_04Oh man, that's it's deep human. It's all 11. Probably if we if we thought at all. It's 11's all the way down. Oh man. Alright. Now, looking closely at it, no, it's something much more than meets the eye. Whatever this family is hiding, I must know what it is. The cameraman eventually began to sneak closer and closer to the house, trying as hard as he could not to make a loud noise during his trek. Eventually, he found himself standing next to a closed window. He raised the camera higher toward the window. The camera is now pointing at the interior of the house. Oh shit. As the trespassing that's three sentences to say the same thing. Yes, and recording people against their will.
SPEAKER_01I am so on the side of these Canucks.
SPEAKER_04I hope they kill him, dude.
SPEAKER_01I hope he dies. And the whole time they're like, hey there, bud. Um do you think maybe uh sorry, but it would it would it be too much of a bother if you would just get off our property there, bud?
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01He's just like, What are you doing up here? What are you doing in America? Oh, you know, we're just uh we like refrigerators and we got a bunch of them out in the yard and uh just trying to live off the land and such, you know, American dream and such. Just like, what are you guiding?
SPEAKER_04You want to listen to Run Do real quick? Maybe summer of 69.
SPEAKER_01We got uh uh Russia's 2112 album on the on vinyl, if you want to check this out. Nice, dude.
SPEAKER_04All the world's a stage, eh? Uh as the camera, as the camera pans side to side, showing me the interior of the house. I see that the house that he was recording is empty. Sure, the kitchen furniture, like cabinets and the tabletop is there. There is no furniture in a kitchen, you don't call it that. It's cabinetry, brother, uh, is there, and there was no fridge, no stove, none of that in the kitchen at all. The cameraman, of course, did not see what the camera was showing me, which means that when I saw a shadowy figure standing in the far end of the house, within the darker spots of the house, shadows, the cameraman did not even see it at all. Well, he still probably had his eye through a thing on a VHS recorder, but uh whatever. The camera eventually pointed back outside, first to the ground, and eventually the legs of the cameraman. Quote, okay, this is the house of the family. I'm going to see what's in there first before I get in.
SPEAKER_01I'm out on the cameraman.
SPEAKER_04Should he not have said that before he pointed the camera inside? The cameraman then stood up and peeked through the window. Oh, he himself, I get it. As expected, the cameraman was confused at the sight I saw prior when I heard him mutter, where the hell is the furniture of this place? He then gets an even clearer view of the interior. Strange, there's nothing inside of this place, he muttered, barely audible within the tape itself. The cameraman eventually tried to open the window, which he successfully did. He jumped through the window and entered through the opening, the camera only pointing where he stepped to. Finally, determined to check more of the house, he began to point the camera towards where he was looking and began to make his way past the kitchen. So he reached out for the camera after he went in without the camera, obviously.
SPEAKER_01I see.
SPEAKER_04Because he sat it down, right? Didn't he say he sat it down?
SPEAKER_01I think so.
SPEAKER_04The cameraman found himself in the house. You just said he climbed through the window. You don't have to say he found himself in the house. God damn, bro.
SPEAKER_01Well, maybe it was another himself.
SPEAKER_04This is what I worry that my stories are gonna sound like, and why I don't have the confidence to write them.
SPEAKER_01I think you write the stories and then we read them out loud, and you judge yourself as if it were written by someone else.
SPEAKER_04Right, right, right. The entirety of his search is basically him realizing something, colon. The house was completely empty. That's not how you use a colon. Colon comes before a list, am I wrong?
SPEAKER_01I would hyphenate. Yeah, right. He realized. Yeah, the A-Iphen.
SPEAKER_04The A hyphen is what I'm calling it from now on. The house he so desperately wants to know what's inside is filled with nothing but the empty house. Empty house, empty furniture, and empty noise. From the here we go, dog. We're starting to inject it with some uh some local shit.
SPEAKER_03Wow.
SPEAKER_01Then there was an elevator.
SPEAKER_04From the yeah.
SPEAKER_01Are we there's tunnels underneath this fucking house? I want to know so bad what was in those tunnels.
SPEAKER_04I know, dude. From the large room to smaller rooms, there was absolutely nothing inside the place other than the clean floor, walls, and ceiling with occasional fixtures like overhead fans, space heaters, and a couple of furniture.
SPEAKER_01But wait. Wasn't there no furniture? I know. Just a goddamn thing.
SPEAKER_04Just a couple of furniture. What the fuck in goddamn thing? A couple of those furniture. Uh huh, how the fuck is that make any sense? That's literally what that says. I did not fuck that up. This place is empty all the time, he muttered angrily, realizing that he would find nothing inside it. Look, he already looked, he found Luckily or unluckily for him, he decided to go to one of the doors and open the door, finding the path down to the basement of the house. Here we go, tunnels, dude!
SPEAKER_01Dude, there's tunnels in the basement.
SPEAKER_04The camera was now pointed down the brightly lit basement. It it did it say he hit the door? There the light, I mean? No, it didn't. Okay, so it's already brightly lit. Maybe that's the creepy part. Why is this one on? There we go, cool.
SPEAKER_01There we go.
SPEAKER_04He muttered, should I check downstairs? He says aloud. Fuck it. Without hesitation left in his soul.
SPEAKER_01I'm just imagining this guy holding this fucking VHS camcorder talking to it like he's live streaming. I know, dude. Yeah, like a vlog. Chat, should I go down the stairs, chat? Chat. What do you think, chat?
SPEAKER_04Dude, I found this GTA streamer guy. I forget what his name is now, uh, but uh, I found a GTA streamer guy. It's like a like a uh uh it's a black dude, but he's like like a mixed guy. So he's got like the quirkiness, uh he's got a little bit of Caucasian quirkiness, you know, along with his at times like smooth blackness.
SPEAKER_03Nice.
SPEAKER_04And he fucking he narrates and also participates in sometimes, but does like the crazy like uh uh fucking role-playing shit in Grand Theft Auto where it's like 30 cops all driven by people, all cop cars driven by people trying to chase him on a bike or whatever. Yeah. Pretty funny, dude, and he does all of that shit, and it's it's actually compelling. I was like, this is gonna get annoying quick. I've watched three of them like all the way through to the bitter end of the plug at the end. Anyway, uh reminded me of that. Didn't talk about it on the Patreon, so I thought I I would regale the regular listeners at an hour 11 with my YouTube consumption lately. All right. Finger 11. Without nice. Oh man. Without hesitation left in his soul, he began to make his way down the stairs. His slow, heavy step is the only driven by the chat. Who said poggers? One in the chat if I should go downstairs. Uh type one in the chat. One in the chat. Let me get a poggers. Poggers in the chat, please.
SPEAKER_01Thank you.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I'm capping chat. Oh, I'm capping. Uh his slow, heavy step is the only thing audible during his descent down the stairs during the agonizing minute. A whole minute. The camera faces only the staircase. I like to think he's like really obese if it takes him a minute to get down the stairs.
SPEAKER_01That's heavy breathing.
SPEAKER_04He's so s he's so slow, gravity can't even help him. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01All right. I'm I'm I'm picturing Boogie 2988. Alright, cake chat. Going downstairs, chat. Ah, dude. I hope there's Mountain Go down there.
SPEAKER_04I didn't know who you were talking about until you said the voice it got me. Okay. The camera faces only the staircase as he descends. So down. After what seems to be forever, he finally made it at the bottom of the stairs. The camera began pointing around the basement area, same as the ground floor of the house. He found nothing down there as well. No furniture, no appliance, nothing. Not even a couple of furniture? Really? There was, however. There was, however, stuck on the wall across where he was, just God damn it, behind the staircase itself was a sticky note. He approached the sticky note, glued on the other side of the room. Camera pointed directly at said note clearly. His hand then picked the note up and plucked it off the wall. If it's glued, you're gonna rip the note, by the way. Right. Found you.
unknownOoh.
SPEAKER_04These two words are all it's said in that entire sticky. Yet the sense of dread was immediate with just those two words. Yeah. I heard the cameraman gasping under his breath.
SPEAKER_01The writer fucking discovered literary devices. That's sick.
SPEAKER_04I'm proud of you for finding all that, dude. That's awesome. And dropping the note in shock after seeing this note in his own eyes. Without even saying another word, he began to make a full sprint away out of the basement and made his way back to the open window he came through. The cameraman jumped out of the house and began to run as fast as he could away from the scene. Barely audible by the microphone of the camera was the sound of rapid footsteps just behind him. The sound of footsteps was more than enough of an encouragement for the cameraman to speed up the pace of his running. Fuck! They're chasing me! The cameraman blurted loudly as he continued running.
SPEAKER_01Hey, bud, what's your language, bud? We got kids there there, pal.
SPEAKER_04Uh, by that point, what I'm seeing through the camera is straight up incomprehensible. Semicolon. The blur of the camera was so intense that all I can see is the rapid shaking of the camera and the brief flash of light of what seems to be the people chasing him on foot. After a couple of minutes later, the the camera eventually was dropped down the grass. The final shot of the video was that of a man running away, while the faint glimmer of flashlights shine away from the unknown pursuer's flashlights. By that point, the night vision mode of that camcorder turned on, and what I saw was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen in this entire recording. Behind the pursuers is what seems to be Shadow, gliding the same direction where the cameraman ran to, almost as if that thing is alive and is actively pursuing the same man. After that shadow, one of the pursuers stopped dead on her tracks and turned around and looked straight at the camera on the ground. This pursuer is wearing what seems to be super elaborate black robes, filled with metallic accents all across the garb, from the neckline to the collar of her robe. What is notable about her attire is she is wearing a pale white mask. Eventually, the recording finally ended. Of course, seeing it for the first time, I have so many questions. Who are these people pursuing him? Why is the house empty? What exactly is the deal with these people? How did the tape end up there under the thick bushes? And who is this woman? How do you know it's a woman with a mask and robes? I don't you you should say how you know it's a woman.
SPEAKER_01Well, I mean, the robes had giant fucking titties. Fucking titties?
SPEAKER_04She had jinx titties under the robe? Yeah. There's so many questions I have when trying to get the full picture of what is happening here. Of course, it was not the only tape I saw on my hike. You didn't fucking say that. How can you say, of course? Also, why would there be more tapes? Why that's it's not over. I'll let's have it be over before I go fucking nuts. Of course, it was not the only tape I saw on my hike. That tape I just saw in one out of several tapes that is one, sorry, I fucked that up, is one out of several tapes that I found all across the woods placed in weird spots during my hike. I'll try and watch some of the tapes though. In my mind, though, seeing these tapes felt like some sort of curse that I found myself diving into, and I am not a fan of it, of course.
SPEAKER_01What a fucking I did not subscribe to this guy's live stream at all.
SPEAKER_04Chat two in the chat if you think I should stop watching these tapes.
SPEAKER_01I love that he he set it up as like a series. Yeah, I mean there's definitely gonna be more of this goofballer. For sure, for sure.
SPEAKER_04That was a month ago, too, so I bet there's more already.
SPEAKER_01I was laughing to myself because at one point he said that uh they chased him on foot. And I was like, but he gained a lot of distance because they had to take off their ice skates first. Just stuck on this Canadian thing so hard. Their snowshoes. The robes when he said the and their robes, and they were glittered with bullshit, and then embroidered on the front was maple leaves. Because then their mask was white, and I was like, I was picturing the fucking Jason Hockey mask. I can't I can't get this Canadian thing out of my head with this story.
SPEAKER_04Dude, I've been going back to time suck a little bit lately. Yeah. And there's a new story or a newer episode about a relatively new serial killer story, but it's not like a serial killer, it's like a rampage, like you would do on Grand Theft Auto. Damn. And but a guy in Canada, in Nova Scotia, did it. Super Nova Scotia. He literally just went around, he burnt down his own house, his own warehouse. He owned like three businesses or like warehouses in the area, and he burnt it was like on an island in Nova Scotia. He burnt down his own warehouses, and then he started just killing everyone who showed up and driving to different houses of his neighbors and killing them. Sometimes burning their houses down, sometimes not. And the fucking cops, it this happened, it started at like nine o'clock. I think it actually started at eight o'clock, but it started like uh late in the evening, right?
SPEAKER_01Oh, PM, gotcha.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, P.M.
SPEAKER_01I thought he clocked in and was like, time to burn it down.
SPEAKER_04No, no, no. He like he slapped his wife and shit, and then he and then she got away, and then uh he fucking uh started burning down his own house and then he fucking did all the shit at like nine, right? Yeah. It wasn't until 8 a.m. Holy that the cops notified any of the public about a crazy deranged fucking guy killing all of his neighbors. Jesus. And he's driving around in a replica cop car. He made himself with a replica cop uniform of the mounties, like, so everyone would trust him as he drove by them. He killed people out on the highway. He just fucking I'm not done with the story yet. I don't know how it ends. But that's awesome. Anyway, so that all this Canada talk reminded me that you know, Canada is like gets this rap for being so fucking calm and even keel, but dog. Like, like they like they take out their frustrations only in hockey, you know, right? And everything else is just cool, calm, and collected. But no, dude, every now and again one of these Canucks fucking snaps. And and honestly, that's worse. Like a serial killer takes like one victim every month or two. Killing like 40 of your neighbors in one night, that's wild, bro. Yeah, that's worse than anything I've heard of an American doing in a while, dude.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's better than.
SPEAKER_04If you're not talking about cops, if we count cops out, you know, yeah.
SPEAKER_01No, the the Vegas thing was probably the closest we've had in a while. True, true, true, true. Yeah. I mean, I guess they're similar in the sense that it was one nut job. Right, right. This is one older dude just snapping. This is where I wonder, like, where everybody else draws the distinction and which is worse. Right? Because like, according to American law, crimes of passion are at least at face value considered to be less heinous than planned out. That's where you get first and second degree murder. Second degree is not as bad as first degree because second degree is like in the heat of passion, you came home, you found your wife cheating, you killed the guy. It's like treated it damn near like manslaughter. You get maybe 15, 20 years, you're out, you're good. But if you like planned a murder and executed it, it's way more heinous. Right. So now comparing the Canadian the Canadian rampage guy versus fucking uh the Vegas shooter, they killed probably about the same amount of people.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01But like this guy just snapped because his wife burnt his fucking moose or something.
SPEAKER_04I forget what it was, what the catalyst was. There was a moment where he was just like, fuck this shit, and he slapped her.
SPEAKER_01Oh, we're out of fucking maple syrup again, you stupid bitch. They make it here. What the fuck's wrong with you? I'm burning the warehouse down, and I'm gonna fucking kill Carl and his whole family now.
SPEAKER_04What the fuck? Dude, he literally did. It's not funny when you're listening to a serious podcast about it. Yeah, but god damn it, is it kind of funny to think about a Canadian guy snapping because they're it's such a juxtaposition from their usual thing.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Their usual demeanor. Oh, fucking North Carolina wins the Stanley Cup. This is fucking bullshit. They don't even have snow there.
SPEAKER_04How do you how do your people how do your people fucking create trailer park boys and city and color, and also some motherfucker just snaps and kills everybody on his island?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a weird, it's a weird nuts, dude. It's one of the biggest countries on earth, too. I think it's number two behind uh Russia.
SPEAKER_04It's big as fuck.
SPEAKER_01Or three behind Russia, China.
SPEAKER_04It's expansive as fuck, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's pretty goddamn big.
SPEAKER_04A lot of surface area for all that crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Canadians, dude. Yeah, what are you gonna do? Fuck them, dude. Uh they uh they said the the dude liked when he was a kid, he liked NFL. He liked the NFL. I think it was him. No, it was one of his victims, liked the NFL. Oh it was like a teenager victim of his. Uh he because because Dan Cummins really likes to like say a few sweet facts about each murder victim when he's telling a story about a bunch of people dying. Just to really get your heart wrenched about it. And uh he did. It worked. I was like, oh, he liked the NFL 2 for like beautiful.
SPEAKER_02I wonderful too. Oh, freak damn.
SPEAKER_04Why do you have to die in 1991 or whenever it was? No, it was no, it was 2020. That's when this one was. I said it was relatively.
SPEAKER_01Oh, he was a Bills fan.
SPEAKER_04Dude, it was like fuck him. Dude, it was right before the pandemic.
SPEAKER_01Oh shit.
SPEAKER_04So he saved some people some suffering, though. He killed some elder elderly people, too.
SPEAKER_01I think it's probably a lot easier to social distance in Nova Scotia. Their life was exactly the same. Yeah, I don't think much changed.
SPEAKER_04They're always alone in the tiny bodega-esque grocery store on their island.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Uh they're always the only person in there every time they go in there. Uh yeah. But yeah, sad story. So far, maybe it picks up at the end. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you never know.
SPEAKER_04A bunch of people have died already.
SPEAKER_01I already know the ending, but maybe there's a happy ending.
SPEAKER_04I I think he dies uh somehow. I don't know if he kills himself or if the cops kill him, but if the Canucks finally fucking wise up, the Canuck cops finally wise up. Because, dude, they're slacking in this episode. It's very bad. You think of the Mounties as being like grizzled cold weather Canadian cops, you know? Yeah. Like these motherfuckers would probably be able to snipe a motherfucker with like a Winchester, but no, they can't do anything. They're very they they just don't have this happen. American cops have seen some gunshot victims, you know?
SPEAKER_01Like I guess I picture them differently than you do, because I just see them on horses with cutlasses. Like, what do we do? What am I gonna fucking duel this guy?
SPEAKER_04I just think they they're probably like I I figure cold weather people are just more hardy. I guess I'm lending too much to that.
SPEAKER_01Well, yeah, they're hardy, but like versus nature. Not versus like a fucking psychopathic mental health.
SPEAKER_04They still have the same mental health problems.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you send Trevor up there, they're gonna tremble in their fucking boots, dude.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Your snowshoes are gonna shake right off.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gonna snake right or shake right out of that fucking uh you know ice snake could have worked. That could have been a nice colorful verb for fucking shaking yourself out of your uh your lard fucking pants or whatever, your whale skin fucking pants. Yeah, my brain just shit out a bunch of words.
SPEAKER_01I think we're all fucking Inuits. Like our author. Yeah, yeah. He fucking burned out booklooks fucking uh igloo. I didn't even think he could burn ice, but he figured out how.
SPEAKER_04Some protesters are gonna figure out how in America pretty soon, probably.
SPEAKER_01You put some styrofoam, some gasoline, and maple syrup. You got yourself maple, some Canadian napalm, bud.
SPEAKER_04Gaple syrup, dude.
SPEAKER_01Gaple syrup, buddy.
SPEAKER_04Oh man. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yep, yeah.
SPEAKER_04Fucking Canada, dude. You got your own football league. Why don't you fucking root for I'm I'm glad you're dead, fucking kid. I'm glad you should have rooted for the CFL, dude. Have some pride in your country, dude. I'm just kidding. I have no pride in my country. Obviously, it's very sad that you died. I'm sorry. Yeah. That sucks. Fellow football fan taken in 2020. Darn it. I guess he was 30 in 2020, so this motherfucker was young. But speaking of right for the picking.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no shit. Uh did you ever end up getting Mad the new Madden? Or is that not out yet? August.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I'll snatch it. I'll snatch it up in August. I'll uh dude. Oh okay, we're uh we're we're at in the twilight. This is the time to go off the rails. Sure. I fucking I started playing an online game of Madden and I was like because I have 2025. Right. And so I I started playing an online game and uh I was like, why not record this shit? That's a great idea. Dude, I started this motherfucker in the first Two drives, it was like I was getting passes off, I was stopping them on defense, everything was great, dude. It was they they were still beating me, but I was holding my own to some extent. Sure. After like the first quarter. Because the first quarter is only four minutes long, so yeah, after like the first quarter, this motherfucker like went off. Ran it up. Teed off on my ass, dude. I think five interceptions by the end of the game. Oh no. And like, and four of them in a row. Before I scored a touchdown, I threw four interceptions. This motherfucker knew where I was going every time. I don't know how. Like, there were a couple times I was like, I'm gonna do like a quick pass. So he can't intercept me, and I get like four yards.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04He intercepted one of those.
SPEAKER_01Jeez.
SPEAKER_04Like, fuck, dude.
SPEAKER_01New appreciation for David Carr's strife, eh? Dude, oh my god.
SPEAKER_04And I was recording. So it was like it was like a 36-minute just slaughter, dude. Yeah. And uh yeah, I I eventually was able to get some points, but he still ran it up, but still I was able to like score a couple of times, get a few plays off on him, which is just because he wasn't sweating on his controller trying to fuck me. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01Those were the plays where he needed a bong rip. He's just like, let it let the Catus out.
SPEAKER_04Something like that, dude. Because there were a couple passes he should have got me on and he didn't. It was so sad. It sucked. And I was I then that's when the fucking computer glitched. That's the first time that happened. And uh I was like, I might have just lost that. Good.
SPEAKER_00Fine. Fuck it.
SPEAKER_04Because I was gonna post it just for posterity, just like here. I'm gonna post, I'm not just gonna post my victories. I'll post when I get absolutely butt fucked. Uh but anyway, I'm gonna try to figure out the game a little bit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's that's good because like I'm not gonna my my Xbox is still packed up in a box. Right. I haven't unpacked like an Xbox.
SPEAKER_03Is there an Xbox box hall?
SPEAKER_01Uh I just set my TV up and and connected it to Wi-Fi, and I haven't I don't have any of my other stuff on the TV stand yet. So uh I just won't and you just practice Madden between now and August and uh I'll fucking when it comes out that week I'll just hook up the Xbox, purchase it, download it, sick, and I'll come in fresh. Nice. And uh maybe you'll have closed the gap.
SPEAKER_04Okay, cool, yeah.
SPEAKER_01That'll be fun.
SPEAKER_04I'll try. I'll do I'll do some of the things. Some of the like uh passing things fucking weird, dude. Oh yeah. Like how you can change the ball's trajectory in the air, and it's it's almost akin to the quarterback being able to like you know sweep it with his fingers to change it, you know, at the last second, like Brady talks about, but like fuck, dude. There's so many little skill set gaps between me being me now and me being good at Madden. Sure. In on any level.
SPEAKER_01Well, I mean, I'm definitely no fucking god on the sticks, so it's not like you know, I probably won't run it up on you anyway. I've been I haven't played in forever, and this is a brand new one that's got new shit. Hopefully the Raiders aren't dog shit on it.
SPEAKER_04Hopefully they've like popped them up a little bit when it comes out. Yeah. So it comes out in August, so they we don't even know who the starter's gonna be. I don't even know who they're gonna have as the starting QB of the Raiders.
SPEAKER_01You know what we didn't talk about on the $1? What? Fucking UFC White House thing. Oh fuck! We totally fucking blanked on it. We can talk about it now a little bit.
SPEAKER_04We can go a little bit. I'm gonna there's no I'm gonna have no uh spirit for it next week.
SPEAKER_01It's just we're about an hour and a half and I gotta pee and get in here.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I mean, how much are we gonna talk about it?
SPEAKER_01The fights were good. The fights were great. The fights were good. Um everything else about it was so gay.
SPEAKER_04It was, dude. It was a uh kind of a Republican thing. I watched it.
SPEAKER_01There's too many reminders, you know. I watched it on Discord uh with a couple of my RuneScape buddies, one of which was in the military. Yeah, okay. And I kept going, dude, I'm sorry, but this is fucking gay. Every time they were like rah-rah, America, I was like, no offense, buddy, but this is fucking gay shit. Yeah. And he's like, no, I agree with you. This is fucking stupid. And I was like, Well, I'm sure you guys are probably even more sick of hearing about it than we are, but like I'm not like I'm not gonna outright say fuck the military, but I don't need this shit shoved down my throat.
SPEAKER_04There was so many like little mini World War II World War II documentaries and like little things narrated by fucking actors and shit. Yeah. Why? Why there's one you wouldn't be doing this for a regular UFC thing, so don't do it now. It's fucking stupid.
SPEAKER_01They kept having these like World War II veteran medal of honor fucking dudes like during the walkout, like walking them at the guys. Yeah, and there's this one dude, uh something Mauricio Rufi. Yeah, who like does not speak a fucking lick of English.
SPEAKER_04Right, right.
SPEAKER_01And he's walking out there with this like goofy, smiling ass fucking medal of honor hero from a war, and he's like leaning over, whispering to him, and the whole time Mauricio's just like, first of all, I'm trying to like lock in. I'm about to go fight a dude to the death in a fucking cage. Yeah, and you're over here like oh I really like this fucking production, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, yeah. I don't understand a word you're saying. I speak only Portuguese. Right, right. I was laughing about that. I would be like, dude, shut up. Thank you for your service, but fuck off. Yeah. I gotta I got some stuff to do.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, right. Yeah. Kind of busy, brother.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04I mean, walking out from the White House was like it was okay. The first seven times, so how many fights were there? Seven fights. So, like the 14 walkouts. I missed the first fight, so everything after that I saw. So, like the first six times a dude walked out from the White House, I was like, this is lame and gauche, and all the other lib lib words that I can think of that mean this sucks because I don't agree with it. Uh, but then as it went though, I was like, like there was like a bell curve. It was like, yeah this really sucks. And then they started walking out of other places, and I was like, okay, I don't hate this as much.
SPEAKER_01It was kind of sick when this is I when Sugar Shawn uh walked out and like he started, you could see the fucking like uh super duper bulletproof secret service car that he got out of. You see him walking up the stairs from outside to inside, that was kind of hard. Yeah, and sugar sean's a bad motherfucker, yeah. And like he's cool and funny and shit.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01So I was down with that. Uh, but the thing I could not stop laughing about, every time they did a walkout, they would walk by these dudes that were fully kitted out, like revolutionary.
SPEAKER_04I know, dude. I know.
SPEAKER_01I could not stop laughing.
SPEAKER_04A couple of them laugh themselves. A couple of them are like looking at them like, what the fuck is this?
SPEAKER_01It was so weird. And I couldn't stop thinking about like, if you were the guy, like, oh, they're doing UFC at the White House, and I get to go fucking be there, and then you look at the paper, it's your assignment. Yeah, you gotta dress like a fucking blue coat, yeah, and just stand there stone faced with a musket for hours and hours. Yeah, you don't get to watch the fights, you don't get to have fun. No, you got you're standing guard, bitch.
SPEAKER_04There's not even a screen anywhere near you where you can like survey what's happening in the octagon.
SPEAKER_01You're those fucking dorks with the big fucking eraser hats at the the the queen's house in England. Yeah, that was nuts. Oh, it was so funny. And one of them was black, and I I was I know, I noticed that too. Dog, there were zero blacks in the Revolutionary War. What is this nigga doing here?
SPEAKER_04I was like, Twitter's gonna have a field day with that shit. All the racist motherfuckers on Twitter.
SPEAKER_01They brought the camera up to his face, and I was like, really? We're gonna like highlight this dude highlight the sore bruised thumb.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you're giving the blue checks a lot to work with. Oh my god, it was so fucked. But I there were parts of it where I was like, is this like, is there like some okay, because like the UFC production team is probably made up, at least partially, by just like uh fucking A V motherfuckers from college, you know what I mean? Like who are kind of liberal. They're they're not fully bought into like the Trump shit. I wonder if they tried to sneak. They were like, every time this black lady sings, we're putting a fucking camera on her. Oh yeah. She killed it. All these racist pieces of shit watching this can be like, you know, I wonder if there was some academia like infiltrated into that production team.
SPEAKER_01Well, and then the Derek Lewis can't, he always comes out to like the same like rap song. Yeah, yeah. And then they had to like have the army band cover it and shit, and they were just like awkwardly pointing out, like, well, they did such a great job. And the whole time I was like, I this is so far removed from the original thing, right? That it was like I I didn't know what was going on. Right, yeah. I was like, this is not the thing, like this sucks. Yeah, like, yeah, they're doing such a good job. It's such an iconic song that he's always come out to, and I'm just like, it doesn't sound the same at all.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, the Johnny Cash cover was dece. That was pretty cool. That was pretty good, yeah. Uh and Rogan pointed it out on the broadcast.
SPEAKER_01Oh, also, the fucking obviously the the big like what the fuck moment of the whole thing was Josh Hokett saying Michelle Obama's a man, but he came out to the Hulk Hogan. Yeah, he did. I am a real American, yeah. That kind of fucking hit.
SPEAKER_04It did, dude. It worked. I I really wish he hadn't said that. I would have that like which I Dana White probably is thinking the same thing. Uh but like, and he I think he actually said that since he was like he was like, I'm not gonna police people's speech, but do I wish he hadn't said that? Yes. Yeah. Something like that.
SPEAKER_01I'm sure in the moment sitting there next to Donald Trump, he just put his hand, his face in his hands and was like, What the fuck is this retard doing?
SPEAKER_04Damn it. Come on. Can we not just he said it like a year ago or something, or three years ago or something, after another win, right? I don't know. He said it another time. I saw a footage of it. He said it another time. It's like, you've already done that, dog. You did it back when it was actually like, you know, humorous on the internet. It's also like a conspiracy theory thing. It's so fucking old now. The Obamas haven't been in the White House in a decade. Right. They're literally building their library like it's about to open right now. Like it's it's a like it I think it opened yesterday or something.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Like it's it's that it's way past, dog. It's such a dead meme that it's like he might as well just been like, this show was on fleek, am I right? Right. America.
SPEAKER_04It was fucking stupid.
SPEAKER_01Like no one cares about that anymore.
SPEAKER_04Shit up. And it's yeah, it's just I've always hated that, and like it just it got in my got under my skin a little, like, just because it's annoying and old. It's an old thing.
SPEAKER_01If it was if if this had happened in 2015, I wouldn't care at all. I'd be like, yeah, that's the conspira that is the conspiracy theory of the day.
SPEAKER_04Right.
SPEAKER_01You know? Right. If he had if it was uh you know 2012 and he was like, the Clintons are murdering people, am I right, America? I would have been like on my feet. So much better.
SPEAKER_04So much better of a conspiracy theory to, you know, hit the base with, you know?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_04That but Michelle Obama is a man lock her up, am I right? Uh you can't like, yeah, right, exactly. You you can't just don't why? Just stop.
SPEAKER_01Like it does, it's it was out of place.
SPEAKER_04She had she had two kids, and I know you want to say you debunked that by saying they're adopted. They look like them. Yeah. How could you look out and adopt two babies out off the fucking street? And I guess you could be racist and say they all look alike, uh, fine. But like, they actually do look like them.
SPEAKER_01Well, they went they went to the kids.
SPEAKER_04They legitimately look like them.
SPEAKER_01They went to Kenya and they plucked them out of the coconut tree.
SPEAKER_04How do you explain the odds of two babies being plucked out of whatever system and had just happening to look like these two folks, one of whom does not look like your standard black guy. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So fuck you. I'm sorry. Like, I'm I know I'm a lefty dog, and that's I'm biased, and that's why I hate it that to some extent, but also it's fucking retarded.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it I it sucks. My only be stop. I I'm I'm totally okay with people saying and thinking whatever they want. I have no, like, whatever, dude. If you want to say Michelle Obama's a man, that's fine. But like, be current with it. Because this is it's just so fucking old and boring. Yes. Like, you could have said so there's so many other things you could have said. It's not worth it. That would have been fine. Right. It's not worth it.
SPEAKER_04It's so old that you ruined your moment. You did not live up to your moment, even to your base.
SPEAKER_01He could have said something about the Palestinians being dogs. He could have said something about the Strait of Hormuz, bomb Iran into the fucking Right. Anything so much better. Anything that's current. I don't care if it's controversial. Well, he's literally like, this dude doesn't believe any of the shitty saying. No, he's just trying to fucking drum up controversy because no press is bad, whatever, blah blah blah. But like, do better, bro. Like, that was so lame. Right. Like, you could say anything that's current, and no matter how horrific and terrible it is. Yeah. That's that's the biggest fucking thing for me. Yeah. Like, obviously, I don't think the whole Michelle Obama's a man thing is silly. Like, of course she's not the prettiest woman in the world, but you know, whatever. I don't care. I'm not fucking her. You're not fucking her. What are you worried about it for?
SPEAKER_04Right. But like just so they can dunk on a Democrat.
SPEAKER_01Whatever.
SPEAKER_04And they gotta go back a fucking decade to do it.
SPEAKER_01The dude murdered thousands of fucking innocent children. There's so many shortcomings you could point out in his presidency. Dunk on the things he did, not like make fun of a not that pretty black woman. That's so boring. Especially because it's old. It's just so old. Yeah, yeah. Uh, call him gay, because he probably is.
SPEAKER_04It's fine. He might be. I don't think he is, but he might have some. There might be something there. We don't really know.
SPEAKER_01Barack Obicurious, maybe.
SPEAKER_04By Rock Obama.
SPEAKER_01That's way better.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, by Rock Obama.
SPEAKER_01That's way better.
SPEAKER_04Uh by Barack Obama. Nope. I was trying to think of like bomb ass dudes or something. I like to drone strike that fucking I like to drone strike your bag dad, son.
SPEAKER_01Oh yeah. I'm Barack Obama and I like the Baghdads. Nice. Beautiful. Uh Patreon.com slash fartmouth. You know, you know. Check us out. Give us a couple bucks or don't. It's fine. Love you. Okay, bye.