Fartmouth
The most raunchy, stupid, and irreverent comedy podcast on the internet. The podcast equivilent of getting a lobotomy.
Fartmouth
326 - Hole that I F*ck
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This week's show features...
- Would You Rather
- Jake's Top 5
- Thyler's Top 5
Yay, yay. Is that what they're saying? Or is it like yeah, yeah? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh I've always read it in my mind's eye as Y A Y. Y A Y E E E E E E E E. Yay.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I like it. That's one of my favorite black uh affirmatives.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Same.
SPEAKER_03Like word is obviously my number one. If I were to do a top five list of my favorite black affirmatives, number five would be affirmative action because it's a joke, right? Ha ha. Clever guy. But then the rest would be the real ones. And yeah, and yay, yay would be like number three. Yeah. Word word is number one. I've stole that is part of my vernacular. It always will be. It'll never change. It has been for over a decade. Word is my go-to affirmative. Even in meetings at work. What about church? Church? Probably number four.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, church is good.
unknownI like church.
SPEAKER_03Uh church. Here's an honorable mention the Jamaicans. Sight. Sight. Sight. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Uh did you know Australians? Say sound. And I'm like, taste. What the fuck are we doing here?
SPEAKER_01That's weird. How is that? I don't like that one at all.
SPEAKER_03I don't like Australians. And the shit they say sometimes weirds me out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I don't like that at all.
SPEAKER_03I don't care for sound. Sound. What a what are you a fucking conductor?
SPEAKER_01That's yeah.
SPEAKER_03What the hell? That's a problem. So I don't I can't think of any more black affirmatives at this point. Yeah. But affirmative action is probably I can hang my hat on that one. That's good, yeah. That's a pretty good joke. The following filth production of the Fort University and First Department. Thank you for listening.
SPEAKER_00Where woke minds can find sleep, Fort Smith University.
SPEAKER_01Trump only uses the pool for deflecting, for returning all the Iran money. Yeah, he conceded on everything. The deflecting pool.
SPEAKER_03You know, it's full of algae now.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, it's it's a very funny story.
SPEAKER_03It's so sad.
SPEAKER_01It's a bit, it's up there, dude, already with the best Trump story. Cause he has just lied the whole time about verifiable things. And it's so it's hilarious when someone goes, Yeah, they vandalized the lining of the pool. And all you have to do is go, There's more cameras in Washington, DC than probably any other city ever.
SPEAKER_03More cameras than people.
SPEAKER_01So, like, how come we don't have footage of that? And then they don't have an answer. It's dude, it's crazy.
SPEAKER_03They had Jeffrey Epstein at the bottom of that pool. Cameras were off.
SPEAKER_01It's hilarious.
SPEAKER_03That's so silly.
SPEAKER_01And they, oh, gotta mention the fucking peroxide they dumped in there to get rid of the algae. But guess what? It strips paint. Like it's that Eminem's idea. It's a solvent.
SPEAKER_03That's a great peroxide. Looking forward, t-shirt to wear.
SPEAKER_01Will the real President Trump stand up?
SPEAKER_03And then get fucking shot again. That's what Eminem would say.
SPEAKER_01We're not advocating for that.
SPEAKER_03I would never say anything like that. I would never say anything like everybody should go get a gun and murder the president. I would never that would be illegal for me to say that. So I wouldn't say go kill Trump right now. It would be really funny and cool, especially if you scribbled like trans stuff on the bullets. I wouldn't say that because that's wildly irresponsible.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, of course. Yeah. Anyway, that's a that's from Whitest Kids You Know. I was gonna say, white, white things are gonna come up later. Right.
SPEAKER_03Welcome everyone to Fart Mouth Podcast, a show whose host has been fantasizing lately a lot about weird, like odd matchups in sports. Okay. And my favorite that I came up with recently was an all-star W NBA team versus like an Olympic level men's Mexican basketball team.
SPEAKER_05Okay.
SPEAKER_03I would call it Skirts versus Mexas skins.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_03Shirts versus skins.
SPEAKER_01I mean yeah.
SPEAKER_03If you're not smiling, you're gay. Every week we were saying segments to make each other laugh. I'm Tyler. I'm Jake. I take all responsibility for that joke.
SPEAKER_01I have segments. I th I thought it was gonna be the racial slur.
SPEAKER_03Skirts versus I see that. I see the way you think.
SPEAKER_01I thought that's what you were gonna say.
SPEAKER_03I feel like Mexoskins is a better plan words.
SPEAKER_01No, it is yeah, it's probably it's more clever, but less phonetically like jarring, you know.
SPEAKER_03Shirts versus spicks, less emotional. I see. Okay. I'll think about that some more. Maybe by the end of the episode, I'll have a better joke for you.
SPEAKER_01I'll reflect on it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I won't deflect. I took responsibility. You see, I'm already better than our president.
SPEAKER_01Well, halfway through the game, the Mexican team is gonna get fucking raided by ice anyway. So just get arrested.
SPEAKER_03Instead of dunking, they tunnel under the hoop.
SPEAKER_01Oh man. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um anyway, we got segments this week, so we're gonna do them. Here's the first one. Would you rather eventually I'll train my finger to hit the button before the last like two words. And it'll happen right when it's supposed to.
SPEAKER_01That's fine, dude. Who cares?
SPEAKER_03Uh so if you guys remember, we've sort of changed up the way that we do this. Yep. Uh two weeks ago now, because we did a spooks episode in between. Um I had a topic and I had a would you rather for it, and Jake, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What we ended up with is Jake's Would You Rather topic from last time was school buses. Yeah. So I now have to give my school bus based would you rather? Now that I've had a week to think about it and totally did not just write it, you know, an hour and a half ago. Yeah. Uh and then I have a new topic. We'll just move on from there. Okay. My school bus based. Would you rather jake news?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Would you rather take a new full-time job as a school bus driver for very horny, gay, mentally retarded men? Or eat one entire Greyhound bus seat.
SPEAKER_00Oh, god damn.
SPEAKER_01God damn. Got a lot of homeless fucking soup farts in that bus seat.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, also it's a seat, so it's hard to eat.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, the leather casing and then the well, faux leather, probably, and then the all the foam.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you got the foam, but there's metal that you have to figure that out. Good luck. Uh or it's just like until you r get to retire one day, which on a bus driver salary is probably gonna be a hot minute. Um, you're driving that thing full of horny old gay uh fucking Tardos.
SPEAKER_01So here's here's the thing.
SPEAKER_03So emotionally eating the seat emotionally eating the seat is gonna be a problem. That is a silly fucking sentence invented.
SPEAKER_01A lot of terrible emotions, a lot of uh fear, uh, a lot of anxiety about what metal's gonna do inside me. A lot of uh I will say and the foam, like the preponderance of foam. What is that gonna do on my in my gut?
SPEAKER_03I mean, it's just polyurethane, you're fine. Um to go back to what you said about the faux leather, though, I have ridden on a Greyhound bus, and those seats are fabric. So all the juices and farts and all that shit is soaked in.
SPEAKER_01For sure, you're right. It ain't sliding off of nothing. I was thinking of like the school bus more. Right, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_03This is like it's like the fabric they they use like the 90s carpet where it's like all well.
SPEAKER_01Then I want to point out that your first one is about a school bus and your second one's just a bus. Um so that you can't.
SPEAKER_03I guess I'll just go fuck myself then.
SPEAKER_01Because you pointed that out about one of mine a few weeks ago. Um that only half of it was about the topic.
SPEAKER_03Uh you some would say that riding a greyhound bus is a lesson in and of itself. That was the perfect amount of silence for that.
SPEAKER_01I'm sure it is.
SPEAKER_03I learned a lot.
SPEAKER_01Here's the thing. I was 16. What happened was my uh my cigarette almost went out, and I'm I was trying to get it back.
SPEAKER_03No, that that amount of silence was perfect. Because it wasn't really a joke, but it also, yeah, whatever. It worked out. I wanted good moment. What best moment.
SPEAKER_01Good job. Let's pack it up. The best moment. Uh let's have an eight-minute long episode this week. Uh so I think I'm gonna go with the Tards because at least then I will feel very wanted, you know? Oh emotionally, that's gonna be better. Yeah. I there will be some fear if somebody like grabs me and manhandles me a little bit.
SPEAKER_03That that is probably what's gonna happen.
SPEAKER_02It's not gonna be like, oh, you're so cute. Look at you, you're so beautiful.
SPEAKER_03It's gonna be like picking you up out of the seat while you're going down the highway and just fucking you in the ass.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna do I'm gonna do some 4D chess here on this. Oh we've been talking about that a lot today. Sure. So uh here's what I'm gonna do.
SPEAKER_03Hand me up Miyagi.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna pick one who's big and strong.
SPEAKER_03Magnus Tartleson.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna I'm gonna pick one who's big and strong. Probably the tallest. Or the or the leader. You know what I mean? I'm gonna pick the leader, the natural leader. Sure, yeah. The one that's King Tardo. The least retarded, probably. I'm gonna pick him because he's I'm gonna be able to Michael Clark Duncan from fucking the Green Mile. Yes.
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna be able to tie balls. I don't want to fuck your ass today.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna be able to interface with him better than the rest. Sure. And then I'm gonna be like, dog. I all the fucking Snickers bars you want, dude. All the all the the fucking Cheez-Its or Goldfish or whatever you're into, dog. All of that, I can get that for you. I have a job.
SPEAKER_03Make the king of the tards your boyfriend.
SPEAKER_01I have a job. I can get you whatever snacks you want if you keep the rest of these motherfuckers off of me. Oh my god. If you keep if my asshole remains untouched by the rest of these folks, uh, you get all the snacks you could ever want. But no, you also you also don't have the privilege of fucking my asshole.
SPEAKER_02But Mr. Bus Driver, I'm horny. I can't fuck a snooker's ball.
SPEAKER_01You can put it in your ass, you piece of shit. You're not fucking me.
SPEAKER_02I don't want to be your boyfriend no more. You mean to me.
SPEAKER_01But goldfish. Oh. Uh I always have the upper hand. It's it's like negotiating with a child.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01It's a it's a similar thing. People often make that people often make that uh, you know, that draw a line from one to the other. And it's not for a bad reason. That that's actually pretty accurate to how it is, you know.
SPEAKER_03I think so.
SPEAKER_01It's like when an old person's going through dementia. You do the same shit.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01You just gotta you just gotta negotiate with them, offer them something in exchange for behavior that you would like them to exhibit. It's kind of like uh the dog whisperer thing where he's like you gotta tr distract and deflect away from the thing that's well I wasn't try I was trying not to compare retards to dogs, but that's way kinder than children. No.
SPEAKER_03I hate children. Children love humans, I don't even like dogs. Never mind, I take it back.
SPEAKER_01Children are humans, so it's similar.
SPEAKER_03Barely.
SPEAKER_01I mean they're more like fleshlights.
SPEAKER_03They're kind of like wait, no, sorry, flashlights, because they're objects of uh they're they bring light to your life.
SPEAKER_01And you can fuck them. Uh you could. I mean you could.
SPEAKER_03That would be highly irresponsible.
SPEAKER_01That'd be uh that'd be at the very least an ill-advised thing to do. I wouldn't fuck a flashlight. I I've never fucked a flashlight either.
SPEAKER_03Uh I fucked a thing that was similar. Oh, yeah. Well pocket pussy of some.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I did. Yeah. Yeah. You gave me one and I fucked it a couple times.
SPEAKER_03I forgot about that. Holy fucking shit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Anyway, uh that was years ago.
SPEAKER_03Um I think it was like a bonus gift for something else I bought.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that was many years ago. Uh I just wanted to try it out. It was fine.
SPEAKER_03It was like two weeks ago.
SPEAKER_01It was like it was better than uh the fact that you did it twice made me realize what you were doing.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So I had to I had to throw you under the bus full of retards.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, that are gonna try to fuck me in the ass. Because that's the one I'm picking. I've I've already decided that's the direction I'm going.
SPEAKER_03That's fair.
SPEAKER_01Emotionally, it's better. I can hopefully negotiate with the leader of the pack in order to keep my asshole pristine.
SPEAKER_03Fair. I do love that your go-to in this was to make the big Tard your boyfriend. That's so cute.
SPEAKER_01He's not my boyfriend. He's just he's my friend. He's my advocate.
SPEAKER_04He said that like such a child.
SPEAKER_03He's like, You went in straight into teenager brain.
SPEAKER_01He's not my boyfriend. Like, so like there's a curve, obviously. There, there's there's corresponding attributes. So I need to find where smart and big intersect. Oh, yeah. The biggest guy who's smart enough. The biggest guy who's smart enough that I can get through to him. Sure. But he's also, you know, I'm not gonna get the big the biggest guy is not gonna be the smartest guy. Probably not, you know. So I'm gonna have to figure out some kind of in-between. Yeah, and there might be a smarter guy who's who's smarter than the big one that I befriend, but then he's trying to work against me, you know.
SPEAKER_03Right. Well, he's probably smart enough to get into your pants at that point.
SPEAKER_01Well, no, but he's he's smart enough to like make me pause for a second. You know, be like, huh. Well, maybe that would feel good.
SPEAKER_03He seems kind of he seems really caring.
SPEAKER_01This guy really wants to suck my dick. That's crazy.
SPEAKER_03But his aftercare is on point, dude. And he's got fruit snacks.
SPEAKER_01So he probably kisses it for a while after he gets after you come.
SPEAKER_03He gets he gets a nibble, I get a nibble.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, uh yeah, that's what I'm doing. So fun little flight of fancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I I don't I don't fully disagree. It's just like once you eat the chair, it's over.
SPEAKER_01No, you're probably gonna have intestinal problems for years. I doubt it. I'm not gonna shit out all that foam. Some of it's gonna stick around.
SPEAKER_03The human body is a fucking a wonder, it's a marvel.
SPEAKER_01So I I I heard a right heard I read a thing on Reddit where this dude was paranoid because he ate a nut, like a fastener, a nut, yeah, a metal nut, when he was like eight, which is way too old to eat a nut, by the way.
SPEAKER_03It's also way long ago.
SPEAKER_01Uh yeah, he was eight years old, he ate a fucking nut, and he said, Can I like, should I be scared to get an MRI? Is that thing still in there? And people were like, No, it's definitely not still in there.
SPEAKER_03It's small enough that you pass it.
SPEAKER_01But he was like, uh, I I still, and people were like, get a fucking X-ray then. I wanted to say, I wanted to be a dick and be like, yeah, spend eight hundred dollars, stupid, but I I didn't. But I was tempted, but uh, I'm not a troll on Reddit.
SPEAKER_03You're also aware of karma. Yeah, right, right, right. I uh I also got really high one time and went to the ER and spent my $800.
SPEAKER_01So what I'm thinking is if I eat metal springs or something that were in a chair, like uh that I'm gonna be afraid some of that's gonna stay and like fuck me up in some way.
SPEAKER_03Nah. So yeah, it would be really funny to watch a shit come out with a fucking it'd be like boing, boom, wing, boing, ting, ding, ding. Yeah, like a slinky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01It like hits the fucking bull bowl a little bit.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's bouncing up and down like fucking animaniacs.
SPEAKER_01You can jump around like fucking Randy Marsh on his balls.
SPEAKER_03Oh, yeah, dude. You can hop around like Tigger.
SPEAKER_01You can fucking ping pong on that motherfucker, dude.
SPEAKER_03Old Jigger over here. It's so good your name's not Nathan. Oh, that would have ended poorly. Anyway, I have a I came up with this.
SPEAKER_01Poorly. Got it. Socioeconomic joke. Nice. Zing. Got 'em.
SPEAKER_03There. Worse off than us. My topic uh that I came up with for this would you rather uh is cancer.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_03The big C.
SPEAKER_01Damn.
SPEAKER_03And I ain't talking about the crab.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_03I guess you could, but that wouldn't be very fun. Okay.
SPEAKER_01I need to put that in my notes. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I did. I forgot what yours was, and I had to ask you.
SPEAKER_01Cancer is the would you rather topic?
SPEAKER_03I like how literal you are with your note taking.
SPEAKER_01I'm usually not, but I knew I was gonna say it aloud.
SPEAKER_03Oh, good, good, good. I like that. Good bit. Um, the literal note taker.
SPEAKER_01Note taker. Shut the fuck up, dude. Bro, oh my god, dude. Impromptu fuck you piece of shit very quickly because I'll forget.
SPEAKER_03Jake, the rapper.
SPEAKER_01It's fucking a coworker of mine. Somebody misspelled something on a fucking sign. Oh man. And the customer came and picked it up and they noticed it. So it's even more embarrassing, right? So uh the fucking uh dude came into the room and he's like, Yeah, well, uh, do we need like an English major here to you know make sure? And I was like, I'm a fucking journalism major, bro. Fuck you, dude. I can do it. I ain't gotta bring anybody in here. I didn't work on this sign, or I would have fucking noticed it.
SPEAKER_03He picked it up from you?
SPEAKER_01No, just from our company.
SPEAKER_03Like they picked up this this is yeah, your second hand. Yeah, yeah. I would have totally thought about saying it.
SPEAKER_01No, I know I would have seen it. You know what I mean? But a coworker came into our workspace and was like, man, there's this is like the second or third misspelling in a short amount of time. Like, do we need an English major here? Oh, this is a coworker that said this to me.
SPEAKER_03Oh, it's safe to be a dick.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and I was like, I'm a journalism major. Like, I can fucking proofread shit. I just I never saw this job, or I would have noticed it because and I know this, because the other day I pull up a fucking job. I'm like, oh, haven't seen this. What is it? And I hit the PDF button, pops up. Child porn. No, unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, PDF. It pops up PDF file. Oh, good one. It pops up. Uh I was trying to think of other file formats and making them into Dick Waver is one I tried to do. Anyway, it fucking pops up and it says equipment. There's no fucking eye in equipment. Oh shit. Tyler, it's the only word. The whole thing, the whole thing just says equipment. And it it's part of a sign we're fixing, and we almost fucked it up.
SPEAKER_03I kinda want anyway. I kind of want that misprint, though. That's pretty funny, right? I want a big fat fucking equipment sign.
SPEAKER_01Unfortunately, even more unfortunately, this job is only letters. It's not one sign, it's several letters that go on a piece of metal, you know, and it's just the letters. It's called a letter set, and they missed a fucking letter. And this, and the crazier part, that that draft that I pulled up and immediately was like, what? The customer approved it. The customer's just as stupid because they pulled it up. Yeah, dude. Equipment looks good, dude.
SPEAKER_03Hell they probably sent back hell yeah, brother.
SPEAKER_01That looks like all the letters I need. Anyway, sorry, that happened. Praise hell and praise Dell. So uh yeah, equipment. I couldn't believe someone fucking. We don't need a fucking stupid English major. What are we doing? Shakespeare signs? No, we don't need that.
SPEAKER_03Was it in cursive? That's how I imagine Shakespeare. Just incursive.
SPEAKER_01We don't need the every the tempest and everything. It's just in cursive. Yeah. It's not in font at all. It's someone wrote it in cursive. It's faster to write that way. Yeah. They've just been copying it for however many years, how many hundred years? I like that. Fuck. Anyway, what's your second? What's your cancer? Sorry.
SPEAKER_03My cancer would you rather? Sure, sure, sure.
SPEAKER_01I derailed us for a sec.
SPEAKER_03I don't know. I'm into jobs this week. I like giving you new jobs. Yeah. So this this is a cancer. Your new job is to tell families that their child has terminal cancer. That's what you do all day for your job. God damn. Pretty emotionally taxing, I would imagine. I mean, at first. After a while, you're just like, you walk in a room, you're just like, your gay kid's dying. Fuck you.
SPEAKER_01Nothing we can do. And then walk out.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I was at lunch today with my boss. And uh I was telling her about all these, all these hot chicks. And uh I was like, there's so I do a lot of purchasing at my job. Uh so like when we need new equipment, I reach out, I reach out to vendors and I have them put together quotes for me. And uh this one company we do a good amount of business with uh we get a rep. So we hit that, hit up that company, like, hey, we want to start purchasing things from you. I need a rep. They give you they assign you a rep. And they the one they originally assigned me, her name was Emma, and she was fucking smoking hot. She some of these companies they'll put like a because they're salespeople, right? So they'll put their picture in their uh in their signature of their email, or they'll have like a LinkedIn link or whatever, and they'll ask you to like follow them on LinkedIn and shit. So I don't remember if she had her her profile picture in her fucking signature or she asked me to follow her on LinkedIn. I just remember seeing what she looked like and going, God damn. Like for a technology fucking sales rep? Holy shit, she was fucking hot. You went, oh yeah, yeah, and at that point I stopped emailing her for stuff. I would only call her because she was fucking cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I could cut up with her, she would half like I would half ass flirt with her, and she would half ass flirt back a little bit, just playful, you know, like what's up, girl? You know, like that kind of thing. Yeah, I got you. Yeah, um and uh she was really fucking cool, and then she got a new job and uh they assigned us a new rep. His name's Sean. This is this is how I'm telling my boss. I'm like, yeah, I used to have Emma, she was hot and really cool and fun, and she would flirt with me, and then she got a new job, and they gave us a new rep, his name's Sean, and he calls me, and he tells me about his gay kid and his stupid camp. Oh fuck. It's so funny, dude.
SPEAKER_01Dude, because because Emma probably put in the thing, always calls for you, Tyler at blah blah blah always calls.
SPEAKER_03Sucker. In parentheses, sucker.
SPEAKER_01Mark, mark ass bitch, Tyler.
SPEAKER_03Retard on a bus that would fall for Snickers. Oh, yeah. And Sean in parentheses, just like pretentious something, something mean. Oh man. Fuck you, Sean, and your gay kid that goes to camp.
SPEAKER_01No, I just meant I just meant Emma put that for Sean. Like when Sean took over. I see. He has always called Tyler. He answers every time. He's so nice.
SPEAKER_03Well, actually, like when uh Sean and I's interaction first started off, he called me once, and uh I told him I was like, I'm just gonna email you. Where's Emma? Where's where's my beautiful queen? Where's my princess?
SPEAKER_01Tell Emma to call.
SPEAKER_03Before she left, she did like a handoff. Oh and I remember when I forgot about this. I'm so glad you brought that up. She scheduled a fucking like Zoom meeting with me, her, and Sean. And the whole time I was like, You got big shoes to fill, Sean. Emma's the fucking best. She's so cool, she's so great. You got big shoes to fill. He's like, Cool, I think I'll be very helpful. I was like, That's not what I mean, dude. That's not at all what I mean. I'm sure you'll do your job. I don't care about that. You gotta wind me and dye me, Sean. Come on, Shan. Come on, dude.
SPEAKER_01Um, I forgot about that meeting. That was so funny. That's that's weird, but okay. I I get it, but it's professional, but fuck.
SPEAKER_03The handoff? Well, I don't I take the piss out of all like formalities. Yeah, right. I was goofing around the whole time. Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna miss her so much. I was just, you know. The thing is, I'm their customer, so I can kind of say and do whatever I want.
SPEAKER_01Right. As long as you don't cross the line, you're I didn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03I might have. I was like, Emma, give me your Snapchat. What's the what's the Okay then, Sean? What about yours? What's the OF link? What are we uh what are we doing here, Emma? You moving, you moving up this way, moving up northway, Florida gal? Oh, damn. They're all they're off in FLA dogs. Dude, everybody's in Florida. She all of people live there. It's not just for the olds no more. What the fuck is happening? Everybody I talk to lives in Florida.
SPEAKER_01It's not just for the olds and the Jews no more. That's right. It's for everybody else and the Cubans. That's right.
SPEAKER_03The Colombians. Yeah. Not the Cubans, not just the sandwich. That was the joke there that I missed.
SPEAKER_01Uh, like when you said, and it gives me pause, and I said, and you're used to hands. Similar vibes. When did I say? No, you said, and it gives me pause. I don't remember what about. And I said, and you're used to hands. But you just skimmed over it. I missed it. And I brought it later. I brought it up later, and you're like, ah.
SPEAKER_03I forgot that I don't remember when that happened. But I like the probably like a year and a half ago.
SPEAKER_01Jesus Christ.
SPEAKER_03But it's no big deal. I totally forgot immediately.
SPEAKER_01It's just like my best zinger in forever, like, you know, and the incense, but whatever.
SPEAKER_03Nah, dude. The forever and always your best zinger is Mingling.
SPEAKER_01Mingling. Uh what's that? Her name. Freaky Friday after next was not bad. That's when we had Josh Dennis on. That was soft. That's one of my all timers.
SPEAKER_03I forgot we didn't.
SPEAKER_01And that was an hour and 78 minutes into the fucking podcast. When he stopped yammering and we finally got the riff sum. I don't care. He's a fuck on Twitter. He is such a fuck. I've interacted with him some and I don't know if he remembers that he did an episode of our show. It's probably not. And he's like in LA with Dick Masterson being four years ago. He's just he's a self-punishing fuck because he's in LA as a super conservative, like half-assed trad fuck in LA. Like the antithesis of all of that complaining about it. That's like if you're in a house fire, like it's fucking hot in here, dude. How you're a fuck, dude. Get like move.
SPEAKER_03I guess I'll delete that draft email of me inviting him back on.
SPEAKER_01Anyway, have you really? I didn't think so. He wasn't he was fine to have on, but he wasn't a great guest.
SPEAKER_03He just like hammered a lot. We were pretty new, and we were like, oh my god, there's somebody that has like some movement that's actually entertaining our bullshit.
SPEAKER_01Someone had a food network show or something. What was it?
SPEAKER_03Something like that.
SPEAKER_01He did he traveled around and ate on a show, I think. What a fat piece of garbage. More like Josh Denny's. Am I right? Moons over your fucking hammy. I think queer. I think I'll hop away from that. I'll grand slam your fucking dick in the dirt, boy. Jesus Christ. I'm just kidding. Josh Denny was fine. He did, he did yap a lot.
SPEAKER_03It was an okay episode. It's definitely not. I I forgot it happened, so it wasn't very memorable. JJ Demon was was a far better guest. JJ Demon was an amazing fucking podcast guest. He was awesome. I would absolutely love to have him back on.
SPEAKER_01I would too. Dude. I would too. He did not listen to the show enough to know how not woke we were. We threw him off so many times. Oh man.
SPEAKER_03But that dude, when he would yap, he was telling crazy fucking stories. He was. It was awesome. About doing heroin and going to print. Like it was fucking captivating. It was fucking great. And he was, he's very um he's very like uh what the fuck is the word? It's an open book. He's a good guy. He's fun to listen to. Gritty. The stories were gritty. The word I'm thinking of starts with an E, but I can't think of the word. It was like I I was enamored with him.
SPEAKER_01Oh, nice. Hell yeah. He's an enigma.
SPEAKER_03He's a good guy. He's a good guy.
SPEAKER_01He was great.
SPEAKER_03He's a good guy.
SPEAKER_01I was trying to think of more E words, but uh he's he's great. Elope. Elongate. Erect. Uh hey, those are kind of the same. Uh yeah, no. JJ Demon was cool.
SPEAKER_03I read half of Would You Rather.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you did.
SPEAKER_03We went on a fucking absolute sidebar.
SPEAKER_01What a fucking crazy tributary we took off of that.
SPEAKER_03One half of one would you rather.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And none of it had anything to do with that. No, so just want to start over.
SPEAKER_01We went on a whole weird tangent uh going back in the show and stuff. That was yeah.
SPEAKER_03I I'm glad we did though, because I tell you right now, there's no fucking shot I would have ever remembered we had Josh Denny on.
SPEAKER_01We went black to the future, dude.
SPEAKER_03Ever, dude. Uh it was like freaky Friday after next. Hell yeah. Would you rather your job is to tell families that their child has terminal cancer? Sure. Or your new job is to be a testicular cancer checker/slash ball washer. I gotta wash them too. You gotta wash them too, yeah. If you're already down there, um it's just a it's like it can be inefficient.
SPEAKER_01Gotta polish some uh there's no P word for balls. Uh Protuberances. Uh gotta gotta the ping pong, dude. There are no there's no matches with wash words and ball words. I can't do it. Uh yeah.
SPEAKER_03Gotta scrub some scroats.
SPEAKER_01There we go. Yeah. That's a triple letter one, too. That's fantastic. I love it. You just MM'd that shit, dude. Um scrub some scroats. Uh yeah, I I mean, I'm just thinking through this, and one of them is far more emotionally taxing. I'm really in touch with my emotions on this episode.
SPEAKER_03I've I've noticed that a lot, and I've been meaning to ask you. Is everything okay?
SPEAKER_01I'm I'm I'm trying to tap in to that side of my brain for once. So, like, it's gonna be very heavy and dark every day having to tell motherfuckers like Oh, I thought you were talking about the ball. Yeah, Sally has leukemia. She's got like eight months, maybe. That's gonna be hard. Like very very difficult. Obviously, you're gonna get desensitized to it, but what is what comes with that? You know? Like once you've seen good healthcare project. Okay, so if I scrubbed one sack, then I mean it's pretty much like the rest of sacks. Like, sacks don't have too much of a crazy difference. I just have to feel around, make sure there's no fucking pea-sized lumps, like health class taught me. And and then, and then uh, you know, uh use what what am I using to wash them? Like, I mean, I probably have a spray bottle with with a solution in it. I spray that on them, and then I take like a rag or a loofah or something, and I scrub their balls, you know? And I gotta hold them while I'm scrubbing, and I gotta be gentle, and that's fine. I don't care. I'm not having to suck their dick or anything. Uh some of them are gonna want me to, but I'm not gonna have to. Here's another thing to consider.
SPEAKER_03Not everyone's got great personal hygiene.
SPEAKER_01I mean, it's gonna stink, but in this scenario, I'm in a medical situation, right? Sure. I'm checking their balls for testicular cancer. It has to be fine that I have on a COVID mask. Like a blue one. Like a, you know, the the the bare bones of the medical masks, which is gonna knock out the nut funk for the most part.
SPEAKER_03Well, there's gonna be a guy who's like, you know you can't go cancer from breathing and smell my balls.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna be like, uh, it's your it's your fucking mouth, dumbass. It's your nose, it's your fucking respiratory. I'm trying to I don't know you, you fuck. I might you don't know if I'm a COVID weirdo.
SPEAKER_03You're breathing really heavily, so I'll act like while I'm while I'm washing your nuts, dude. You're looking down, you're going, yeah. Do that better. I like the way you scrub my nuts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, I might have to batwing a couple to make sure I got them good, you know? That's fine.
SPEAKER_03But get in between the vein cracks.
SPEAKER_01That's make sure I get all the follicles fucking sparked. Forget the taint, Jake. No, you said balls. Doctor Jake. Not taint, not asshole, balls.
SPEAKER_03Well, you can't blame a man for shooting a shot.
SPEAKER_01I'm gonna get the balls.
SPEAKER_03Sonny boy.
SPEAKER_01This is all about the balls, sir. That's what I'm gonna say. Every time. When they when they want me to stroke the shaft with. I'm a ball serviceman. Yep. I shine the balls. That's all I do. So that's obviously the way to go. That's that's emotionally less taxing. Once you've seen after the first day, it's gonna be fine. As far as seeing nut sacks all day. Like whatever. Who cares? From the bottle. Honestly, it would be worse if I saw tits all day. You know what? You know why already. I do. I can tell by your by you saying, uh, because living hell. Balls are uh no. I'm saying balls are all pretty pretty much the same. As a straight dude, I mean, balls are balls, whatever. Some of them are more hangy, some of them are more elastic, some of them are are bigger and more gorilla-like, some of even though they have small balls, supposedly.
SPEAKER_03This is you know what this is? This is one of my favorite jokes from when I was uh in middle school.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03It was oh, I can't remember how it goes, but the punchline was that you know a lot more about cock than you do about pussy.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know the chicken, how many legs does a chicken have? Yeah, that's what it is. How many teeth does a cat have? Yeah, this is what it is. You know a lot more about balls than you do about titties, and you're gay, is the punchline of that joke.
SPEAKER_01Oh, no. It is because balls, you know what you're getting every time. Sure. Titties? Mixed bags. Could be some nightmare titties, dude. There's I mean, there's not really nightmare balls. Like, what could be wrong with the balls that makes them nightmare balls? They could look weird, they could have a lot of growths and odd shit. I guess that's what would be the worst part, is if they had deformed balls. Sure. But honestly, balls are a lot smaller.
SPEAKER_03You also have a lot a lot less to deal with. You don't want to become desensitized to titties. You that's it too. You won't you don't want to you want to come home to like a good set of tits. Right. That you're not like, whatever, it's the 14th fucking set I've seen today.
SPEAKER_01Right, exactly.
SPEAKER_03I had to scrub some funky undertit of some fucking Kentucky cow.
SPEAKER_01Dude, plus I assume I don't want to know the depths to which titties could stink.
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_01Whereas I know the depths to where balls can stink. I there was one day in college class, I had these jeans that were my favorite that I had in college. You know how you have a pair of jeans that's your favorite jeans? Of course. And you wear it, I wear those when I play a show. I wear those when I go out, whatever. So these are my hot bully jeans. Dude, I've had those jeans for like seven years, dude. And I've only worn them in those situations, so they're fine. So anyway, I fucking I've been the same size, so it's it works out. So I fucking uh I would god damn it, I lost the thread because I thought about my favorite jeans. Oh yeah, college. I had my favorite jeans, and I uh I wore them to class one day, and it was a fucking test. So I remember it being super quiet in class.
SPEAKER_03My lucky jeans are gonna help me pass the quiz.
SPEAKER_01Well, I was just like, uh, those are clean, whatever.
SPEAKER_03Uh well, actually, no, they there was a fucking sexy bitch in there.
SPEAKER_01I don't know if they were clean or not. I don't remember the the status of the jeans, but I do remember I was not clean. It had been, I had like worked. I had, it was like kind of warmer weather. I had worked, I'd done shit, I'd gone and hung out with buddies, I'd gotten high, I'd got I'd probably had a few brewski's, I'd like, you know, whatever, I'd done a bunch of shit and sweated several times over the last four days that I haven't had a shower because I'm in college and not fucking thinking about it. And I smelled my balls through my favorite jeans because I'm not it's not wafting around the leg holes and popping up into my nose. Right. It's come it's it's so str the nut fog is so strong, it has permeated the genes. Yeah. So I am aware of the depths to which you can go with your ball funk.
SPEAKER_03Demon denim penetration. That was a hard word phrase to say. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01Denim tration. Uh yes, they yes. Um it was terrible. So uh, but it's a known evil.
SPEAKER_03Sure. Thusly. You think all dudes' balls stink the same though?
SPEAKER_01No, I'm sure there's some way worse than mine in general, but like I'm gonna have the mask on, it's gonna help a lot.
SPEAKER_03I think it'll help a lot of smells if it's penetrating denim, it's gonna penetrate denim.
SPEAKER_01Oh, with the yeah, I'm gonna smell it, but it's not gonna be quite as hit me as hard in the face as if I didn't have the mask on. If I didn't have the mask on, it would be very close between the two choices uh of your would you rather? Um, because eventually I would be desensitized to telling people their kids are gonna die. Sure.
SPEAKER_03Uh which is what if you have to clean their balls with your tongue?
SPEAKER_01Uh then I'm gonna tell people their kids are gonna die. If I'm using my hands, I can wash my hands. That's not a big deal. Like I I've I touch little Listerine. You know, you touch some shit with your hands that that you know you would never eat. You would never put in your mouth. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03I mean, you pick up fucking dog shit off the ground. I would have earthworms in my mouth off.
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't I don't pick up dog shit with my bare hands, but I'm saying with my bare hands.
SPEAKER_03If you were forced to, you could though. Without much thought. It would be like this is kind of gross, but I'll just wash my hands off.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. But I would never put my fucking mouth on it, you know? So same with the balls.
SPEAKER_03For a gazillion dollars, you wouldn't eat a dog turd.
SPEAKER_01A gazillion if if a gazillion is more than a trillion, which I think it is, I would. I would I would deal with the the consequences.
SPEAKER_03But a trillion isn't enough.
SPEAKER_01No, a trillion is, yeah.
SPEAKER_03A million?
SPEAKER_01Hmm, that's where we're getting close.
SPEAKER_03To eat a dog turd? I think I would do it, but I think I'd eat a fucking dozen dog turds for a million dollars.
SPEAKER_01What's your lowest number on dog turds?
SPEAKER_03100 grand.
SPEAKER_01Really?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. That would solve all my issues that I have right now.
SPEAKER_01Same.
SPEAKER_03And then I would just forget that I did it because cognitive dissonance, and I'm a psychopath.
SPEAKER_01Same. So again, if there's any rich motherfuckers listening.
SPEAKER_03Who wants to watch me eat a dog turd?
SPEAKER_01Couple hundred thousand bucks, we'll each eat a dog turd.
SPEAKER_03Kick.com slash dog turd guy.
SPEAKER_01Win win win win win win win win win. Except us, because we ate the dog turd.
SPEAKER_03I'll even wear a hot dog outfit for you while I do it.
SPEAKER_01Hot dog turds. Uh we'll put them in the microwave. I don't fucking care. I'll just I want the money.
SPEAKER_03I'll lick a white dog turd for 50k.
SPEAKER_01Hell yeah, dude. The step bros move.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I'll just pretend it's uh like a powdered sugar covered donut or something.
SPEAKER_01Sure, dude. Hell yeah. A dog nut. Yeah. There's a G in donut sometimes.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Uh sure. Alright, I already picked one. What's next? Yeah. So I I have to think of cancer next week. I gotta keep that in mind. Keep it in mind. Put it in your notes. It could be a crab, it could be cancer, it could be that's the only cancer things. That's it. Uh I was trying to think of another one, a clever one. Nope.
SPEAKER_03It doesn't have to be job-based like mine were. I just was feeling jobs right then when I did those. We have uh another kind of two segments, sort of, in a way. Sure. But we're gonna do this one first.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03Ladies and gentlemen, here's Jake's dark web links for illicit photos of children. Let's go. That one's a classic. It'll never go away.
SPEAKER_01I like a good elaborate joke. I'm gonna say I think mine is probably a good for first. Okay. Probably a good good to get it out of the way.
SPEAKER_03I just I had to ask two would you rather, so I need a break.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03This is the hardest job of the game.
SPEAKER_01That's a good that's a good point, too. Uh so in a uh corresponding mood. DNA, you mean not available? Narcotics Anonymous. Not applicable. Non-alcoholic. Those are all DNAs. You nailed all of them. I think that's it, dude. I contributed one that was incorrect, and then you got all the real ones. Fuck, I was trying to think of a name, but it doesn't work. Anyway, uh in a corresponding move from my last time doing top five. Top five whitest Negro American. This time it's white though. Last time it wasn't. Oh fuck, that's great. Nigerian American. Hell yeah, dude.
SPEAKER_03That's totally what I said, and not racist at all.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Nicaraguan American.
SPEAKER_03Where my Nick Gars at. It's uh Diovon.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh well then there's the the proverbial, the old meme of Nick Gurr.
SPEAKER_03Right, yeah. Shout out.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Shout out Fantano. You'll have to start over the whole thing. Uh what?
SPEAKER_03I fucking I don't remember any of the things that you said.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. And a corresponding move from the last time I did this where I did the black-isms. Right. The things that black people say. No. This time I'm doing the white-isms.
SPEAKER_03I like it.
SPEAKER_01Top five white-isms. Now, there's gonna be some honorable mentions that you're going to think of that I didn't think of. I'll do my best. And that I may switch them around. Because I these are good ones. A couple of them specifically, like, ooh, are like hit me hard. But you know, I I tried to go with also like mass appeal, like what everyone has heard and not super specific. Because a lot of this shit is regional. Right. Because like white people came to America, they went to a bunch of different parts of it and started talking different from the other pockets of white people in other places. Anyway, number five is I reckon. Ooh, yeah. Love it. Love it.
SPEAKER_03That's up there with like over yonder. Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes. So when someone says I reckon in a movie, nothing gets me going more. Uh, like as far as like now I'm on your side. You're way hyper on whites than I thought. I hope, I hope you win the day in this movie, Matthew McConaughey, because you just said I reckon. Uh number four. Golly.
SPEAKER_03Or golly. I this is how I say it. Yeah. And this is how I will say it for the rest of my life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Golly. I have always said it like that. And it's always about a girl with a big old fucking ass. Every time I've ever said that word, I've looked at a girl, saw an ass, looked at a buddy, and went gali.
SPEAKER_01Mine used to always be goddamn. Something to that effect. Uh, but yeah, gali.
SPEAKER_03Appropriation is what they call that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Gali is just super white. It's like you're trying not to say God. Right.
SPEAKER_03You're trying not to take the Lord's name in vain, even though it's goddamn, but in in uh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, even though Yahweh is the Lord's name, we don't have to talk about that though. God is not actually the Lord's name. That's just an English word for that concept. So you're not technically taking his name in vain. Anyway, Gali was birthed from that ignorance, so I must pay homage.
SPEAKER_04Love it.
SPEAKER_01Number three. Well, that was fast. When someone comes back to retrieve their keys after they've already said goodbye. Oh, yeah. I know that's a hyper-specific situational one. No, it's good. But it's very white. Oh, yeah. And it's the only one of these that I did not think of and I got from the internet. So I have to put that. The internet gave me that one. I was looking for ideas. I was like reading shit in order to spark ones that came from my brain, you know? Like I was I was reading them to remind me of other ones that are are mean something to me, you know? Yeah. And well, that was fast. That's a fucking unc, a white uncleism, dude. That is like, yeah, they they hit you with that, and you just can't help but smile and like, ha, you know, it's a great whiteism. I like it. Number two, it ain't Christian.
unknownOoh.
SPEAKER_01Bro, or any using Christian as an adjective, that's that's kind of like judgy, and I I don't it just gets my goat. I hate it, but I love it. You know what I mean? It's like it's one of those that's like so homely and like it has so much Americana in it. Like, it ain't Christian. Oh, he's a good Christian boy. I like it. You know, that type of thing. That type, I just just what the fuck? That's so funny to me when people say that. Number one is one off-sided by black comics. It is a it is a whitism if there ever was one. I want, I think it's in Chappelle's like famous white people thing. Sure. And that's why I made it number one because it's so universal. No ethnicities other than Caucasians say this phrase. Okay. And it kind of goes along with Gali a little bit. It's an exclamation. G Wilkers.
SPEAKER_03Gee fucking Willikers.
SPEAKER_01Is the whitest thing you can possibly say. Oh, yeah. There, even like anime black dudes, do not say G Wilkers.
SPEAKER_03You know it's another one that's right up there with G Wilkers? What? Dadgum.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I didn't even think of Dadgum. I thought of Gall Dern, but that one's so close to Gum. Regional. And yeah, and it's also the same idea as Gali. Dadgum is fucking white as well. Dadgum is great, dude. Dadgum is fucking fantastic. There's there's others that are kind of like, I reckon, that are, you know, beg your pardon, shit like that. Cowboy speak. Right. You know, that that is super white. Uh, because I mean, cowboys generally were white. So, like, not that there were Mexican cowboys, don't get me wrong. But like, as far as what I'm trying to get at, they were white cowboys. Yeah, right. Golly homes.
SPEAKER_03Oh, they're gummy such. Yeah. Uh, so I've got a short list of honorable mentions that I thought of while you were doing yours. Hell yeah, dude. Big one here. Bless your heart. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. The southern big one. You skipped right over the Midwest with missing out on a classic. Oh, yeah. Ope. Yep. Ope is the most Midwestern fucking thing you can say. Yeah. You almost bump into someone. Oop. Sorry about that. Yeah. Uh now we're going to get into a little bit of the just goofing territory. Yeah. Hey, Dad. That's very white. It's not a very black thing to say.
SPEAKER_01Ah, great.
SPEAKER_03Uh, and then the last one, I think I'll check my credit score. Very white thing to say.
SPEAKER_01I'm not bothered at all by what the number could be. Um, yeah, no, it's that's pretty white. Uh yeah. I mean, there's so many exclamations that are so white, but they're not like they're so lame. I was trying to find ones that were so lame that they kind of uh come back around into like they're ironically kind of funny to use or whatever. Uh and reckon is one of those. I reckon so. I used to howdy.
SPEAKER_03I used to, oh, howdy's a good one. I say howdy sometimes somewhat ironically.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um so do I, yeah.
SPEAKER_03There's actually a girl I haven't talked to in a long time hit me up out of the blue the other day, and I she said something, I can't remember how she started like, hey, how's it been going, or whatever? I just said, Howdy, stranger. And I'm like, uh, you just fucking hit me up out of nowhere. What do you want?
SPEAKER_01Um I just thought of what should have been the number one. What? Way too late. OBKB.
SPEAKER_03OBKB? Dude. That's an honorable mention at best.
SPEAKER_01No, dude. OBKB is maybe the cringiest thing of all time. I mean so bad.
SPEAKER_03Uh fucking hardcore white ism. OBKB. I say this one every single day of my life. Okie dokie.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah. That one's like fine now. Quintessential. That one's fine now.
SPEAKER_03It's quintessential white people.
SPEAKER_01OBKB is that's just gross. Just start singing the bing bang, bada bada, whatever the fuck from the Rugrats movie, motherfucker. Like, what are you doing?
SPEAKER_03My mind went to the fucking uh the Walmart thing like uh Shabuya roll call. That's OBKB Shabuya Roll Call level cringe white. Yeah, we don't even acknowledge that as a thing anymore.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. It's so cringe. Like the when you hear people say it, you're like, I can never be friends with that person. I would never want to hear that. I uh when I was like 15, I dated this girl for a couple months, and she would say, she would like posit a plan or an idea that she wanted to make happen. She would be like, and well, and then we're gonna go to the mall and I'm gonna get these earrings at Hot Topic. KK. She wouldn't let you answer and would just say, literally, KK. Ugh. Dude, it set me off. Every time she did it, I was like, oh, that's like a week earlier. I'm breaking up with you. Like that. This is like a problem. Girls are annoying. I hate that.
SPEAKER_03I hate chicks. Uh I used to work with this.
SPEAKER_01We just started to quote Nick Fuentes real quick.
SPEAKER_03No, I hate chicks. I saw a quote he said the other day. It was so fucking funny. He's like, the number one enemy in America today is women. That was so fucking out of pocket and hilarious. Oh man.
SPEAKER_01Um okay, somehow smaller and mousier Ben Shapiro, right?
SPEAKER_03Uh I used to work with this guy named Rick, and Rick was an older, older white fella, and he was a fucking machine with these white-isms. And he had three asterisk, like four technically, of like the dopest white-isms ever. All right. Well, actually, five. I'm gonna say my favorite one, probably, uh, just like an OG original. Let's just say in all of these situations, he pinched his finger. Yeah. In an exclamation of pain. My favorite, hellfire. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Hellfire's beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Every time gets a laugh, beautiful, love it.
SPEAKER_01Sick, sick, sick.
SPEAKER_03But then, like, there were three minor ones. Okay. Instead of saying son of a bitch, he would just say son. Instead of saying motherfucker, he would just say mother.
SPEAKER_01Oh, some gum is pretty good. I've heard that a few times.
SPEAKER_03That's an old that's a very old school one. And then uh the third one is he would just say ever. And I never understood why he would say ever, but I think it was like, Well, I'll never or something. I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_01Why never?
SPEAKER_03I thought of that earlier, but if he really if he really fucking pinches his finger real good, he would combine them all and he would say, Son mother ever. Or effer. You sure it's not effer? I don't think so. Like fucker, but he's I don't think he would ever go that far. Being all godly like. I don't think he'd ever go that far. Although there are times where he would just just curse, and it was way better. And I'm always just like, why don't you just say fuck? Yeah. When you pinch your finger, and he's like, I don't want the customers to hear me. Yeah. Alright, Rick. Damn. Rick was a funny guy. Okay, Richard. Hellfire. So good. So good. Alright, well, um, I have a top five list as well. I guess I could uh I'm ready, dude. I guess I could play the drop. Why not? Sure. Help me uh transition. I'm helping Tyler's top 10 list. Let's go. Oh man, this is kind of this is an accident. We were just sort of joking about how much I we hate women.
SPEAKER_01Dude, I just so you know, I if I was quicker and or more ruthless, there was a joke right there where you said help me transition, and I could have said something about cutting your tits off. But I didn't. But I kind of did because I said it just now, but like I didn't in the moment, like one, because I'm too stupid, and two, because as soon as I thought of it, I was like, no, that has to be said as a joke I abandoned, because I'm not that big of an asshole. But really, it's because I'm not quick enough to have said it in the little break that you gave me.
SPEAKER_03Why don't you go fuck yourself?
SPEAKER_01I'm working on it. You got all honest. Like I'm trying.
SPEAKER_03I'm going, I've been exercising.
SPEAKER_01Why don't you quit smoking, bitch?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, something mean about you to deflect and ad hominem you. That's not how I operate, Jake.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're not dad hominem.
SPEAKER_03Yep. My top five list. I like how you subtly got me back. Top five things that chicks do that piss guys off. Sure, hell yeah. It's a simple one.
SPEAKER_01I didn't bum you out, did I? Please tell me I didn't bum you out. No? Good, good.
SPEAKER_03I was just like, I've taken the piss out of this because I already talked shit about women on accident.
SPEAKER_05Oh, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, this is, I mean, it's fairly general, it's fairly neutral, it's not a big deal. I don't hate women, but there's some things that they do that makes me want to beat them into a fucking blunt. Makes me it makes me have sex with them in a much more violent way than I normally would, is essentially what I'm getting at. Number five. Fucking fucking hassling for trying to hang out with the boys or trying to play video games, dude. Yeah. That freaking pisses me off, dude. I just want to hang out with the boys. Why are you why are you hassling me? I'm trying to play fucking Fortnite with my friend. Why are you hassling me? That pisses me off, dude. Number four. Damn. I'm fucking dragging shit that you don't want to do, dude. I don't be dragged to stuff I don't want to do. You're fucking you're pissing me off, dude. Quit doing that. Number three. I fucking like complain about literally everything.
SPEAKER_04Dude, shut up. Shut up, bitch.
SPEAKER_03What the hook? Sorry, baby, I didn't mean to call you that. But shut up for like a minute. Why do you complain about everything? Here, honestly, like to get real for a second, this is why it bothers me that chicks complain about everything. They never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever even think about a solution. Yeah. It's just bitching. Or asking you what you think. I'm gonna blow your mind for a second.
SPEAKER_00Sure.
SPEAKER_03You know why we call it bitching? Cause it's girl stuff. Girls, bitch, complaining. You get it. You get the fucking point. Yeah. There's never a fucking, there's never even a goddamn modicum of brain power that goes towards a solution. It's just I'm upset and my mouth has to move, and now your day has to be ruined.
SPEAKER_01Sometimes when a chick's like yapping like that, they get like real misogynistic. Have you noticed that? Like they're yeah, when it's another chick that they're complaining about, they get really misogynistic. It's like, all right, Andrew Tate McCrae. Ooh. Ew. I thought of that five minutes ago and I wedged it in, dude.
SPEAKER_03Spicy Jacob.
SPEAKER_01I'm getting better at podcasting. Wowie Zowie, dude. Anyway, no, they do do that though. And that's it's it's not the misogyny that's annoying so much as the complaining like you're talking about. But I do clock it.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it's just like the bitching with no end goal in mind, where it's like I'm now expected to just sit here and listen to you bitch. And I mean, don't even get me started on when they're bitching about shit that you do or whatever, because that's a whole nother level of annoyance. It's just the like I'll listen to you like vent. But venting, what happens when, like, okay, say you have like a buildup of pressure, yeah, and you vent it. Sure. How fast does that happen? Pretty quick. Yeah. You know, you vent gas from like a boiler, you know, guy stuff.
SPEAKER_00Sure.
SPEAKER_03It fucking you vent it, it's gone. It's just yeah. I fucking hated this stupid bitch, did this thing at the work, it sucked, it really annoyed me. I fucking hated it. She sucks, I hate her. I'm sorry that happened. She sucks, you're right. And fuck that. Yeah. Let's go eat dinner and fuck. That's venting.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_03When you have to sit there for an hour and listen to the intricacies of an office that you don't fucking work at, right? Shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_01That is that's it. It freaking pisses me off, dude. That encapsulates the thing.
SPEAKER_05Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's like, I don't even know what these I can't. I have my own pictures of what these people fucking look like. You know? God damn, that's annoying as shit.
SPEAKER_03If there, if you have no designs on fixing the problem, I don't want to hear about it for an hour and a half. Sure. If you're like, hey, well, this so this is what it would be like if chicks were dudes. I'd be like, hey, dude, so there's this fucking bitch at work. She's been saying blah blah blah. She's been doing yada yada. What the fuck do I need to do about this? What do you what do you think I should do? And then we have a conversation. Right. I didn't just talk at you for an hour and made you want to kill yourself, did I? No. Here's the other version of that that comes from dudes. Yeah. I just need to vent for a minute, bro. This fucking cocksucker did this thing. It fucking pissed me off. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get back at him, but I'm gonna think of something. I hate this motherfucker. You're on my side, so you now hate him too. Am I right?
SPEAKER_01Vengeance is nigh.
SPEAKER_03Fucking A, dude. Thanks for letting me vent, bro. I'm done with it now because I'm gonna move on. I don't fucking sit here and stew about shit.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Because I'm not an evil woman.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03So shut up, ladies. Number two. This one really fucking grinds my fucking shit, dude. Okay. It's like a pestle and mortar. Okay. To my uh herb. Sure. Grinds it.
SPEAKER_01I got it. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Science show.
SPEAKER_01That was great.
SPEAKER_03Or herbology.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I was gonna say, or an essential oil bitch, but sure.
SPEAKER_03If you're playing Root Scape, it's herblore. Number two. Fucking hate this shit, dude. And they won't tell you when something's wrong. And you know something's wrong. They won't tell you what it is, and they just expect you to fucking know what it is, dude. Dude? Hell yeah, dude. Bro? Hell yeah, dude. Put a fucking sock in it, ladies. Fucking great. Dude, shut that shoot down right away. Hate a glizzy and shut up. Yeah. Let's solve some problems. Why don't you just tell me what's going on? Nothing. What's wrong? Nothing. Shut up then. Why don't you just fucking shut up and stop with the fucking attitude? If nothing's wrong, you wouldn't be acting like a bitch right now, is what I think. Pop off King, he said to himself. Yeah, no, that's yeah. Facts have been spat. Bro, I f I mean I snapped. I get it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03That wasn't a clap at you. That was just a pat on my own back.
SPEAKER_01Sorry, I get sorry, I got defensive. Whatever called it. It's such an emotional episode.
SPEAKER_03You gotta get yourself milked or something, bro. You got too much shit pent up. What's going on?
SPEAKER_01Nothing.
SPEAKER_03Do you need fucking SSRIs, bro? You need to fucking do we need to have a session after that?
SPEAKER_01I kinda had I kind of had like a slight headache all day, but other than that, I'm good. Could that be it? Maybe. I don't know. Are you PMSing or something? Maybe. About to start my period, I guess. I don't know.
unknownMaybe.
SPEAKER_03Oh, god damn it. I just read my number one and it pissed me off. Here we go. Dude, this is a top five list of shit that chicks do that piss me off. I went into chick brain for this list. And I had to write down stuff that they do. And they're fucking sitting there with their tampons and their makeup and their spatulans. And they're just like, how am I gonna fucking this this fucking nice guy, this kind fella? He's just going about his day. Yeah. Killing fucking bad guys on the game.
SPEAKER_04Fucking, you know, bringing home the bread and fucking eating chicken nuggets. Yeah. How am I gonna fuck up his fucking shit?
SPEAKER_03I'm just gonna do some girl stuff. Uh-huh. Number one. Top five list of freaking shit that's freaking pissing me off that chicks do. Fucking accuse you of gaslighting, dude.
SPEAKER_04I wanna find the fucking shit. That made up that word. And I wanna fucking punch her right in the fucking cunt, dude. I just wanna fucking I wanna get real vulgar on her Volva, dude. I just wanna fucking growl like a bear at her pussy.
SPEAKER_03Be like, you're a fucking girl and you suck for saying that. Who made that? That shit is so annoying, bro. Yeah, no, it's like sometimes girls are wrong about things, and you tell them they're wrong, and you're gaslighting them, which means they win and cry, and you are now not getting pussy.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03And also you're in trouble.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_03You're not my mom! I'm not a child. I can't be in trouble. Dude, I can't. I I'm having vivid flashbacks of arguments with this girl that I used to date, uh-huh. Where she would be like scolding me like she's my mom, and I would literally fucking say, You're not my mom, I'm not in trouble, because I can't be in trouble. There's no there's the concept of a grown man being in trouble doesn't fucking work with me. I'm a fucking radicalized human American man. I'm not in trouble. I don't work for you, and you're not my mom. When else are you in trouble? Are you the cops? Yeah, you're the hole. I fuck you, stupid bitch. Shut the fuck up. I'm not in trouble. What are you talking about? That is the crazy. I cannot think of a better way to verbalize what I just said. How can a grown man be in trouble? It doesn't make any fucking sense. What are you doing? Why are you talking to me like this? I'm not in trouble. What?
SPEAKER_05Oh my god, bro.
SPEAKER_03Are you gonna ground me? Am I under arrest? Are you gonna write me up? The hell are you talking about?
SPEAKER_01You really hit her with the vaginas that talk from two and a half men. You really got her with you're you're the whole dive. You stupid bitch is what you said. That's did you have you ever actually said because I if you have ever actually said that, I know who I want it to be that you actually said that to.
SPEAKER_03Have I ever said two? There's two people. Are you asking me? Have I ever said out loud to a woman, you're the hole that I fuck, you stupid bitch?
SPEAKER_01Yes, I have.
SPEAKER_03I I can honestly, I'm an honest man. I'm an honorable, honest man. I have never even come close to that. Because that is like insane. That's fucking bonkers.
SPEAKER_01That's a thing you said to make me laugh in the middle of the rant, is how I took it because it was so over the top.
SPEAKER_03That was just me accessing the unfettered rage I felt in those moments and letting the human thing pour out in a safe space.
SPEAKER_01It's so funny because what's funny about it, why it makes me laugh, is because when you boil it down, it there is a kernel of something there.
SPEAKER_03What you're saying is, I'll translate for you guys.
SPEAKER_01Before we were human, we were another organism that it literally uh the female was literally just a hole that you fucked. So somewhere deep down, that is true.
SPEAKER_03Translation. It's funny because it's true.
SPEAKER_01It's a thing, it's the harshest, most crass way to say what the arrangement is.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. But you have hole, I fuck hole. You want attention, I give you attention. That is the fucking deal. That is the we're trading in currency. That's oh my god. Honestly, dude, this is like one of those take mushrooms and have a realization thing. I've had this fucking realization forever ago. When I talk to people that ask me for like relationship advice and shit, this is what I tell them. I'm gonna say a bunch of shit, and it's all gonna be very like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Here's what it really boils down to at the end of the day. You want pussy. They have pussy. That's supply and demand. Right. They want attention. You can give them attention, right? Supply and demand. When there's a supply and a demand, and they are two different things, you can barter. I have bananas, you have ammon ammunition for guns. I'll give you bananas, you give me ammunition for guns, bartering, done, boom. You have bracelets, that's pretty, I like that. Uh I I have books full of knowledge. These are all transactions. Right. Relationships are just transactions. And you can talk about love and all that shit. That just means you like the hole that you fuck, and the hole that you fuck likes the attention that you give them. A whole bunch. It's all a transaction.
SPEAKER_01I I would say there's another there's another spectrum involved.
SPEAKER_03I would say that's what a faggot would say.
SPEAKER_01No, no, no, there's another there's another spectrum of the woman thinking of you as the dick that I ride.
SPEAKER_03Sure, there's girls that like sex too.
SPEAKER_01But I'm saying like, and the and and her level of that fluctuates. Every woman's, but most women are like I don't know, it trends toward attention on one side of a spectrum, and the other side of the spectrum is chicks that want to fuck.
SPEAKER_03Here's how I know that I am more higher libido, I guess. Here's how I know that I'm right, and it is no matter how far those sliders move on that spectrum, yeah, it doesn't matter. I know I'm right, and here's how I know. Okay. If you if if you as the guy in a situation are with a chick and she wants absolutely no attention whatsoever, but will still let you fuck her, you will still fuck her because you're still getting your end of the transaction. It's free real estate. Flip it around. If you're the chick in this situation and you get all the attention that you crave from a guy and you don't have to fuck him, what are you gonna do? Not take your free fucking real estate? I'm telling you, there's never a situation where those roles are reversed. If you're a woman, there's no situation where you let some guy just fuck you and like he never talks to you. Sure, there's like random hookups and shit, but they always feel like shit about it afterwards, they were drunk, whatever. That's not a situation that they put themselves in constantly. There's no frequent hookup guy that never talks to them or never compliments them, never says anything nice to them, and they still fuck them. And vice versa, after a while, a guy gives up on chicks that they give attention to that aren't gonna fuck them. Now, incels are a thing, but they end up shooting those women. So you can see why I'm right. Am I wrong? Am I wrong, everybody? It's transactions, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with identifying what the fucking minutiae of a thing is. Just because we found out about protons doesn't mean we don't still like to eat cheese. You know what I'm saying? Like I know that it's just made of fucking atoms, but it still tastes good. Just because you know like what the base thing is.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that that's what I was saying. Uh yeah. That that it you it really has a kernel of truth to it, and it would be the same if you gender roles reversed it.
SPEAKER_03What the fuck does it fried chicken have to do with it? Kernel. Sorry. Oh, fuck.
SPEAKER_01It's wordplay, you know.
SPEAKER_03Um when you remember a girl prefers mashed potatoes over cabbage, she might suck your dick. It's just about attention. If a girl remembers that you like your dick being sucked, and then also remembers that you knew about the mashed potatoes.
SPEAKER_01I think it's it's two, you know, like you said, it's two fucking fucking sliders. It's two faders, and people are one or the other more, and you know that's there's a bunch of other faders too, but you know, those two are like corresponding to some extent. Those things are what you're saying.
SPEAKER_03Those things are also important.
SPEAKER_01But there are dudes who crave the attention and are lower libido. You know what I mean? That happens, it's just more of an outlier.
SPEAKER_03It's such an outlier that it's it's like uh negligible. It's not even worth mentioning. You're saying the trend, like basically, the vast to clarify, the vast vast majority of humanity works the way I laid it out.
SPEAKER_01Well, and it makes sense evolutionarily because the women choose the men, females choose the males, like are cho you know what I mean, to have sex with, so then those genes pass on. They they have been choosing dudes that they like the attention of.
SPEAKER_03I wanna I wanna I want to take a moment to point out that I'm not saying that this is a bad system. I'm not saying that I'm not me knowing how the fucking sausage is made doesn't make me not want to eat sausage.
SPEAKER_01I'm just trying to clarify it so it doesn't sound incel-ish. You know what I mean? I I'm not an incel.
SPEAKER_03I know it helps for sure.
SPEAKER_01It does, but uh I I'm trying to clarify for maybe maybe someone's this is their seventh episode, and they're like, wait, whoa, did this just take a turn? It did not, sir.
SPEAKER_03It's not this is a good thing. This is like it's it's it's not a bad thing to know how the system works. The system works the way that it works, regardless of your feelings about it. Right. I think that it's a I agree with you. I think it's a great thing to be able to recognize how the system works and then to use it to your favor and to not look at it like through um like a pessimistic viewpoint. Sure. It's it it can be looked at, it can be, right? It can be looked if you're a guy who's never getting laid and you now have unlocked that thing in your brain that's like, oh, this is how it works, then you can just be like, Well, women fucking suck for that reason. I made a fucking joke list about yeah, those things are true and real, and sometimes chicks do do those things. The gaslighting thing, that is very annoying, especially when they're being disingenuous about it. But at the end of the day, they're gaslighting. Exactly. No, uh like the end of the day, sorry. You can you can know how the sausage is made and use that to your advantage, right? And maybe that is like kind of like a player's handbook type ass bullshit thing to say, but like just knowing the the way things work is valuable, right? And I don't I don't look at it pessimistically. I have absolutely no problem with giving women attention, especially if I happen to like them. Because beyond relationships, you can be friends, guys. Did you know that you can be friends with women? It's crazy. I have female friends who I like, and I don't expect any transaction from. They don't expect any transaction from me either, because we're not romantically involved.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03I'm just friends with them.
SPEAKER_01You're just breaking, you're literally like breaking down what is a biological process.
SPEAKER_03Like what is a it is the evolutionary drive.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's you know, they still want they still want to be fucked.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, they don't want to just be fucked, they need what they get in return for that. Exactly. If if it was instead of attention, if it was food and you brought them a piece of meat and they sucked your cock, would it be less fucking vulgar to point out?
SPEAKER_01Well, it's it's literally just uh our species fucking mating ritual. We're just in it, so it feels like a whole thing. But you go out from, you know, really, really fucking zoomed out view of it.
SPEAKER_03We're not hunter-gatherers anymore. Safety is pretty much a given at that time. Right.
SPEAKER_01So we gotta hang out. Society exists.
SPEAKER_03So now their currency is no longer safety, it's something else.
SPEAKER_01Be a good hang. Right. Like that's like that's what it is. What it all if we're a good hang, they'll fuck us. Right. Like that's what it is.
SPEAKER_03They just they they need attention, they crave attention, and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. That's that's not to say that they're like an attention whore, that's a whole different thing. That's like being a slut as a dude. Like you're just you know, like you can say that that's a bad thing. You're not really there's no value to what you're giving women, you're just fucking them. Right. Like, that's just as bad as being an attention whore. Like you're constantly craving attention from everybody from all to be a healthy mix of both.
SPEAKER_01Right. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03A good relationship is one that involves both parties being satisfied in the transaction as well as liking each other as people and being friends.
SPEAKER_01You're literally like bartering time and attention. That's the whole point. You are investing that's literally the whole point.
SPEAKER_03It's an investment. You're investing your attention to her, hoping that your return is pussy. She's investing her pussy in the well, it's the transaction only works one way. The pussy is a return on investment pretty much every time. Girls very rarely fuck you and hope that you give them attention. It's the attention comes first. It's kind of like those uh show me the money, you show me the drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That deal.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03You know?
SPEAKER_01With the guns, yeah, yeah. The guns pointed every which way.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. They're the pussy dealers, and we're the we're there purchasing it with attention. Yeah. Give them the money, they'll give you the drugs. That's yeah. It is, it is really like that.
SPEAKER_01That's what Dawkins said. They say time is money. That's what Darwin said.
SPEAKER_03And pussy gives you dopamine, so it really is money for drugs, huh?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, dude. We can we can fucking paint this portrait however you want it. Dog, I mean, but at the end of the day, if if you just want to fuck a chick, attention, pussy, done. If you want to have a relationship, attention, pussy, friendship, yeah, kind of works that way. Kind of just fucking does. So that's my relationship advice. Understand that also there's uh uh there's uh alternating values placed on attention. Because if you aren't interesting, the attention that you give somebody is far lower value. Exactly, yeah. So we can get into deeper fucking we could we could really anthropologize.
SPEAKER_01What do you do during the attention? What what skills can you uh fucking perform, you know? Like what what can you demonstrate that you've done?
SPEAKER_03Are you ugly?
SPEAKER_01How are you, yeah?
SPEAKER_03Your attention is less valuable as an ugly person.
SPEAKER_01Are you like are you doing like creative things you can talk about? Are you like there's a lot to it, you know? I gotta pee. Our peacock feathers are our brains.
SPEAKER_03Oh boils down too. Did you do Spotify comments last time? I feel like I feel like you did.
SPEAKER_01I probably did, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Oh boy.
SPEAKER_01I didn't remember to. I think you remembered. But I think it was a f two or three times ago I remembered.
SPEAKER_03I don't fucking know.
SPEAKER_01I don't know, dude. It's been a minute.
SPEAKER_03I'm just gonna check the last episode. We got a couple. Oh shit, we got a handful. Uh oh fucking Bobby, Bobby Kitchens. I'm gonna pull them up. Bobby Kitch, dude. Hit us with uh I've always wanted to listen to you guys' music. I was in a couple metal bands back in the early 2010s, played bass and drums. I know you're both metal as fuck, so hit us up with a couple OGs or some Devil hands. I'm just gonna reply to this real quick and just say gapekeeper. That's our band. Go listen. Uh, Arden J. Canadians are actually just like that.
SPEAKER_04I don't remember what that's in reference to.
SPEAKER_03Bobby Kitchens replied to fucking Arden Jay. Just in case my other comment is still in review. Hi, guys. Oh shit, basket said Meyer mentioned rah! That's a very Michigan thing, man. Meyer fucking rules, brother. That's where I buy my squirt. For ripple real. I just checked the episode before and it's the same, so nothing new there.
SPEAKER_05Yep.
SPEAKER_03I'm about to be my pants, dude. If you like go to fucking here today and shit, you go to like fucking farmmouth.com or something, and there's like a Patreon, patreon.com slash farmmouth. You give us dollar, you give us basos, and we fucking burrito your fucking geese.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dude. Things are getting hot and heavy on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater.
SPEAKER_03Dude, the $10 show this week is a fucking movie. It's a movie. You get to hear the script to a movie that my life happened. It's a lot, it's a bunch of stuff. Yeah. And it's I think it's compelling. And the $1 was was cool. The $1 was fine. So the $1 is always fine.
SPEAKER_01Hit it up.
SPEAKER_03Sometimes it's really good. Yeah. And sometimes it's fine. Just like the regular show. Yeah. But for a dollar. And it's more. So do that.
SPEAKER_01But we talk about different stuff.
SPEAKER_03Right. Video games. We talk about music. Shit. Yeah. We just bullshit. Yeah. Patreon.com slash fartmouth. I don't know if you've ever said that. Bye. Bye.