In this deeply personal episode, I share the story of my upbringing to bring awareness to the influence parents can have in shaping children's lives. I then share intimate details about the journey from naming my first born son to making the commitment to see his exceptionalities first, despite receiving an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis at age 3. I describe my frustration and sadness about the number of people who receive news about someone they love being designated as different or with disability and not knowing where to turn for resources that strengthen their mindset as they love and support that person. Without judgment, but with honest awareness, I make it clear that society needs a cultural shift in the way we see exceptionalities in one another and minimize limitations, and See ME not asd is at the forefront of the movement. Wherever a path is not already created, make your own. And so, I did.
In this deeply personal episode, I share the story of my upbringing to bring awareness to the influence parents can have in shaping children's lives. I then share intimate details about the journey from naming my first born son to making the commitment to see his exceptionalities first, despite receiving an autism spectrum disorder diagnosis at age 3. I describe my frustration and sadness about the number of people who receive news about someone they love being designated as different or with disability and not knowing where to turn for resources that strengthen their mindset as they love and support that person. Without judgment, but with honest awareness, I make it clear that society needs a cultural shift in the way we see exceptionalities in one another and minimize limitations, and See ME not asd is at the forefront of the movement. Wherever a path is not already created, make your own. And so, I did.
Hello and welcome. Here is a podcast just for you, where every day I'm teaching you something new about how to be the best version of yourself so you can be an inspiring visionary for everyone else. I'm showing up to guide you through some things that you may have often overlooked, such as how to strengthen your mindset without having to read a book. In a world where everyone's focus is on what everyone else is up to, I'm hoping I can help you slow life down so you can focus on what you can do. The world needs more people to believe in what they see and to have visions beyond diagnoses with a focus on possibility. So, I'm asking that as you listen in, please open up your mind and together let's see all the ways we can make better what we find. This is a podcast about diversity, equity, and inclusion, and it's also about my experiences with exclusion. And it is my hope that in each episode you're able to connect with me and when we leave the conversation, I hope you are forever committed to the cause. See ME, not asd. Let's get started.
Speaker 2:[inaudible]
Speaker 1:welcome to episode seven of Simi, not ASD, the podcast. I'm your host Devika car. I'm excited this week to travel with you on this awareness through honesty journey by sharing my own story and how it led me to diversity, equity, and inclusion being at the forefront of my mind nearly every day. My monologue question for you is this. How often do you give consideration grace and joy to the journey that you're on and the path that you were chosen for? Our segment goal is to give you a transformative experience to help you find your transformative power in the journey that you are traveling, in the circumstances that you experience, the ones that really cut into your emotions and your confidence and have you questioning sometimes whether you are worthy for the journey that you are on, whether you were chosen correctly to endure the things that you are experiencing. And hopefully by the end of this episode, you will find so much power, Justin, the ability to evaluate your own journey and really see that you are chosen for a reason. So my story starts with me living in Greenwood, Delaware. That's where I grew up. Uh, with my wonderful parents who, whether they knew it or not, did an incredible job at always making me see what made me exceptional. And they were fully supportive of what made me gifted. And they helped me work on the things where I had opportunities to grow. And I think because of my parents, that's really where I started to understand my calling for seeing things differently. I may not have known it when I was, you know, 11, 12, 15, 16 years old that I would later go on to do what I'm doing now. But I certainly knew at the time that my parents may not have had all the money in the world, uh, all the things in the world, but the characteristics that they helped me grow with and the qualities of good, decent human nature, things like kindness and grace for ourselves and living by faith, a lot of the things that they instilled in me are the basis and the foundation for who I am now and why I care so deeply and love so deeply. The things and the people that I try to elevate. So this shout out goes to my parents still living in Delaware. I love you and thank you for being the foundation for who I am today. And I'm excited to share my story on their behalf because without them I wouldn't have a story. Um, so my parents did a great job at showing me what parenting looks like. Obviously there's some things that I don't think that they knew they could have done differently at the time. Um, and that's not, you know, anything negative, but as you grow older and as the times have changed, I think there's a different sense of awareness now than there may have been for parents growing up back then. Um, I was born in 1985 so, you know, there certainly was some opportunities, uh, for parents that are different from that time versus the opportunities that exist now. Um, I certainly wasn't raised, you know, uh, to by parents who were hosting a podcast and trying to reach people are held in the world, uh, just to express the things that they were going through. And yet I always had a platform. My parents always gave me the freedom to use my voice and to share my victories and to share my vision and to try to inspire other people. I vividly recall the first time I gave what I believed to be an incredible first speech and it was at our high school graduation. I was not the valedictorian, I was not the salutatorian. I was the class president. And so for our high school, that meant I had the opportunity to give the farewell address. And I remember thinking that that was such an honor because for many of the students and my friends in that class, I probably was certain that I wouldn't see them again. Um, my plans after leaving my small town were to travel to a big town and experience bigger things. And, um, so I went to off to Ohio state university and it was much different than, you know, the 77 people that I graduated with. And, and knowing everyone's parents and knowing everyone's siblings, it was much different than that. Ohio state is a huge university. Uh, but I knew that I wanted to get out of Delaware because I believed that there was something deeper going on in the world that I couldn't understand because I had been home for 17 years. So at 17, I left and I went off to Ohio state. And an important part of my story is understanding that when I got there, I was homesick and I wanted nothing more than to fly home. During a weekend we had a break. And I remember my French teacher telling me, if you leave, I'm going to fail you. And I just thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. But of course I'm a scared first, first year student and I believed the French teacher could do that. So I decided to forfeit the plane ticket I had prepared and I stayed that weekend and I didn't get to go home right away. And I remember meeting my former cheerleading coach, Joey Delaney at the student fair, and he was looking for promising athletes who were interested in cheering on his team. And I remember thinking, this has been my dream for the longest time to cheer in college and be a collegiate athlete on whatever level was available to me at the time. I wasn't there on scholarship. I wasn't there, uh, you know, for athletics. But I certainly believe that God had called me to be part of this experience. And the most beautiful part about Joey Delaney becoming part of my life that first semester was that he remained a part of my life up until this day. And Joey Delaney is connected to my son and it makes everything come full circle. Fast forward to now. I have three beautiful children of my own with my husband, um, that I physically gave birth to. And then I also have my beautiful stepdaughter, Cameron, who is 12. And I would have never imagined that I would be raising four kids at 34 and dealing with a lot of different personalities. I never expected or even anticipated wanting a big family. Uh, but I certainly have been blessed and I get the opportunity every day to use the things that I'm sharing with all of you, with my own family and my own kids. And it certainly makes a difference. So I'll get back to what makes Joey Delaney so special to our family in a moment. But first I'd like to talk about my experience with my first board. When I found out that I was pregnant with Kimani, I certainly was surprised it was an unexpected pregnancy. But I believe that blessings come at every time in our lives, whether we are ready for them or not. And I had the full support of my parents, my husband's parents. Life was good. There was no reason to worry, to stress. It was simply a time to be joyful. And my pregnancy was great. I gave birth to a beautiful boy after laboring naturally for quite some time. Um, he came out and he was wonderful. I mean, I think that's a common story for a lot of parents. You give birth to your first born or you welcome home, your first child. Uh, whether it's through surrogacy or adoption or fostering, and you find yourself in a position to believe there's so much hope and so much promise, you wonder what will they be like when they're older? What will they be like when they're young? What will they be like as they grow? What will they need you for? Under what circumstances will you be able to be there for them in ways that no other person in the world can be there for them? You imagine whether they will like sports, your favorite sport, even you wonder if they will learn a language. Um, I think most parents and most caregivers go through a slew of questions and ideals and they wonder a lot about what life will be like now that things have changed. And I certainly never contemplated that our first born would be diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. And it wasn't until he was three years old and we were pursuing, uh, his entry into preschool and searching for an appropriate school for lovely son that we discovered. Not that we had questions, but that other people had questions about who our son was. Kimani started walking at eight months old. He started reading at age two. He was identifying sight words before I even knew what sight words were. He was capable of memorizing an entire show and higher episode on Disney jr he would cry and ask for the same song to go to bed to every single night. He looked at us deeply in our eyes. He would smile, he would laugh. He was meeting all the milestones that we believed were quote unquote normal. And being a first time parent myself, I truly looked at my son and thought he was gifted. I felt joy. I felt blessed. I felt honored to have been given this child with such extraordinary gifts that most families probably don't experience. I remember sitting on the carpet with, um, another parent and her children and Kimani was building blocks and playing to himself. Nothing unusual that I knew of, but she's a school teacher for younger kids and she said, I think you should have Kimani evaluated. And I was kind of confused, like, well, what do you think is wrong? I think he's great. And she said, Oh, I think he might, you know, be, um, autistic. Well, that certainly wasn't the first time I had heard the word, but it was the first time I had heard it associated with my own child. And I remember being offended, um, because this person had never said to me, wow. Kamani's so smart or commodities, you know, so gifted. He's extraordinary. So I had never heard words of or praises or phrases rather of praise. Um, from her, I had only heard this one negative, seemingly negative, um, perception. And I remember going home and talking to my husband about it and, and just being just sad. Uh, not that I cared one way or another if he was actually, you know, with some disability diagnosis, that wasn't what, what scared me. What scared me is that, and what became apparent to me is that there are people who don't see exceptionalities first. They see things being wrong first. So whatever. I let that go. And then as we are on this journey to get Kimani place into a preschool, I'm on the phone with, uh, a representative of one of the schools and as I'm describing, you know, she asks, what is your son like? And I'm very excitedly and joyfully sharing with her. Yeah, he's amazing. He's funny. He's, you know, he's adorable. He reads, he can spell, he, you know, is loving and she stops me and she says, he sounds like he's on the autism spectrum. And now this is the second time I'm hearing this and I'm again blown away by this idea that she didn't hear any of his exceptionalities as being qualities of, of greatness. She heard them as being qualities of a disability diagnosis. So, uh, either way, I truly believe that I needed to follow the advice of, of this teacher and have Kimani evaluated because there's no harm in my mind to doing that. If your child needs to be evaluated and something is going to be shared with you as a diagnosis or, or difference, you should know about it. You should know what services, what resources there are to you. You should not allow yourself to just raise your child blind if you have an opportunity to change your perspective. So she sent us to the district, we had him evaluated and I recall being, that was the first time I was in a room with um, the doctors evaluating him and they observed him from a distance as he played with blocks alone. Then they asked him a series of questions, intelligent ones for a child age today. And then without hesitation, they told us yes, he's on the autism spectrum and now he's going to need an individualized education plan. And now he's going to have access to resources and school council and exceptional student education as it's called here in Florida. And again, at no point did anyone ever say to myself or my child who is intelligent enough to understand or to my husband, have an incredibly gifted child who just may need some guidance in other areas. I went home and I cried. And again, it wasn't so much the diagnosis that bothered me. It was simply that everyone seemed to be missing the things that we saw as being gifted and that made him exceptional. Everyone just kept looking past all of that as if it was unimportant and they were merely focusing on this disability diagnosis. That was really a turning point for me in seeing on a very personal level how quickly differences are designated as limiting circumstances. So I was then advised to take him on me to a neurologist to get an official medical diagnosis and our pediatrician who was wonderful had been notified about all that we were experiencing. And he said, I don't think Kimani is on the autism spectrum. I think that commodity is just gifted and bright and thinks differently than others. But he certainly doesn't exhibit the S you know, the, the qualities of, of other children I've known to be on the spectrum. So now we are at a point where we are, have a diagnosis and unofficial, not medical diagnosis, but a school diagnosis. And then we have our pediatrician who we love and adore and trust and we have conflicting theories and we have conflicting opinions. And of course as how I was already feeling. I wanted decide with our pediatrician because he saw Kimani for what made him exceptional. First, he saw commodities exceptionalities first and I deeply admire that about him and I thought anyone who's able to at least see what makes our child exceptional first before anything else, that person is, is golden and our book. But I also knew that if Kimani did have a medical diagnosis and if he did need access to services in order to elevate his experience in life and to improve any opportunities, he has to be successful. I was also okay with that, but I wasn't doing it because other people told me to. I always kept in mind that I was going to have him evaluated by a neurologist in order to do what was best for Kimani so that I could elevate what made him exceptional so that he could be gifted, but also be able to function and enjoy his life. So we went to the neurologist and it was just Kimani and I that day. I can't remember why my husband was unable to join us, but it was just commodity and I, and I remember we walk into the office, there are no other children there, no other parents. It's just us. We step into the neurologist's office and we wait for her and actually it wasn't her office, it was the um, like the patient waiting room and we're sitting there and we're laughing and Kimani and are talking and then she comes in, she doesn't introduce herself, she doesn't ask Kemani any questions about, you know, who are you, what's your name? How old are you? Nothing like that. She started showing him a series of cards and asking him to identify, to read, things like that came, he answers the questions. The exam took less than five minutes. She says, your child is on the autism spectrum. And she said, we are now going to go over to my office and I'm going to explain to you what that even means in that moment. I don't think I ever felt so confused and upset and alone than I did then. I, the whole experience to me was so cold. It was colder than all the other interactions I had had that thus far. And I just, I was so stone cold about the experience that I couldn't ask any questions. I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. And I didn't have the willpower to say to her, aren't you going to talk to him as if he is a human being? Aren't you going to make him comfortable in your, in your exam room? Don't you want to know and hear from him the things that he enjoys doing? Want to see what makes him so gifted. And I remember when we got to her office, he was so intrigued. She had all these stuffed animals and uh, like, uh, like old vintage, uh, musical equipment and all these really cool knickknacks and things. And he was so eager to touch everything he wanted to see and feel and touch. And she just kept telling him, don't that, don't touch that, don't touch that. And I just wanted to run out of there. I wanted to just take him and protect him from whatever was about to happen. Whatever was about to change in his world. In my world just based on that five minute consultation. So long story short, we left and my husband and I decided from that point on we would allow for him to have the diagnosis because again, if if for any reason he needed something and that diagnosis was going to make sure he was entitled to receive it, to better his life, to enhance his exceptionalities, then we weren't going to deny that to him. Even if we didn't like the process, even if we didn't appreciate the people delivering the news, even if we disagreed with some of the things they were diagnosing him with. And I think some people have thought that that might have been not the best approach. But again, when you know, when you get into the logistics of diagnosis and access to services and what somebody is entitled to it, it gets to be a very convoluted experience. And I think we were so overwhelmed with what was going on. We knew that the one commitment we could make that would change nothing about how special he was to us. The one commitment we could make to him was to always see him as exceptional first and to see what made him gifted in every single moment of every single day, no matter what challenges lie ahead. So that's what we did. We committed to that. We made a promise to Kimani that that's how we would see him and love him. And I will venture to say that that has made all the difference in transforming the power that a diagnosis can have over your life and your child's life and the life of any person that you love or lead. And that led me to believe that I had to do something. I trusted that God placed me in commodities life for a reason. And I'm not the first parent to have a child diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I certainly am not the first, I will not be the last. I am not the first parent or individual who themselves has received a diagnosis. Nothing about the story is necessarily unique to me. And yet the one thing I found in my husband agrees with this. The one thing that we found that was missing from this whole experience was simple. It was a simple fix. It's merely approaching life and approaching one another with the kind of grace and the kind of joy and consideration that allows you to value what makes people exceptional first in such a way that you have that at the top of your mind in every interaction, in every moment of, of, of time. That you get to grow with them, to lead them, to have them lead you, to learn something from them or for you to teach them something. Just the entire human experience. When we choose to see people for exceptionalities first as opposed to any disability diagnosis, any difference, any significant destructive difference, and we choose to see them for their giftedness and their amazingness. All of a sudden the limitations become suppressed and you're just elevating possibilities. That's it. And that's all we ever wanted. And we realized that we had to be the ones to give it. And then I began to feel sad and sorry for families that I was seeing who their mindset was, all kinds of messed up. I mean, and that's not coming from a judgment. That's a place of judgment. That is me being completely honest and aware about what I was seeing. I was seeing parents talk about their lives as if everything was over as if this diagnosis was ending, their perception and of their child as being exceptional. And they were crying. They were sad, they were hurt. They were questioning why their child had to be the one diagnosed this way. And this extends beyond autism diagnosis. I've seen families suffering emotionally and mentally because they just don't understand why their kid can't be normal or perfect. And that's a tough reality for some people. But the truth is it doesn't matter if your child's been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, doesn't matter if your child's been diagnosed with cancer. It doesn't matter if you yourself have been diagnosed with PTSD, with anxiety disorder, bipolarism um, it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is or who it is. What matters is the way you see the situation. What matters is the way in which you are committed to elevating exceptionalities first. It matters. Just how committed you are to changing and finding your vision in a way that elevates other people around the world because how you treat yourself or your child or the people that you love and lead in their darkest moments, in their deepest circumstances, in their differences, in their disabilities, in their diagnoses, how you treat them, that flows to how you might treat other people and how other people are treated flows, especially for children because they imitate what they see that flows beyond just you. So I decided that I was going to be sure to be a part of the diversity conversation to make people understand that we are all different and that we all have exceptionalities that we can elevate and that can be elevated. And that's really where we start. I was tired of seeing parents not have access to resources that would elevate and change their mindset. It seemed as if the people offering the diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder didn't really care how well you managed as a parent. They just cared that they gave you the diagnosis. I've seen school staff members and administrators not care about the exceptionalities of of my child, and I've seen them ignore what makes him gifted and I've seen them ignore what it means to elevate what makes him gifted and offer him opportunities to grow where he's challenged. I did something about that of course, but what about all the families who don't get it, who don't know that there is a better way to shaping their perspective who don't know that by practicing a stronger mindset in all the ways that receiving a diagnosis or identifying a difference or disability doesn't come with, we aren't as a society there yet. We aren't. The culture hasn't shifted yet. So I decided I was going to do something about it. So that's what Simi not ASC is. And to go back to Joey Delaney and why he full-circle became so important to us when the day that my husband and I found out that we were going to be having a boy is the same day that Joey died, I received notice from my best friend Jamie. She told me that he had been playing racquetball and just died and he was young and he was beautiful and he was incredible human being. And I remember thinking, this can't be real life because all that I would have ever wanted was for Joey to meet Kimani. He would have loved him so much. He would have been proud of how exceptional he was. He would have seen how gifted he was first and it broke my heart that he would never get the chance to meet him. So I asked my husband to consider can we give Kimani Joey's last name as his middle name so that his name would be Kemani Delaney. And then the next day we went shopping for, I think it was the next day, but we went shopping for a crib and the very first crib that I found that I liked was called the Delaney crib. And my husband looked at me and he said, we can certainly give Kimani Delaney for middle name and we're also going to get him the Delaney crib. I believe that life and circumstances happen for a reason all the time, but it is up to us to figure out what it means to give consideration and crease and joy to all that we are experiencing, all the circumstances that we are given and to allow ourselves to find value and purpose and passion in everything. And I certainly believe that Kimani is living in a way that Joey would have been proud of. I certainly believe that the exceptionalities and gifted qualities that Joey saw in me when he accepted me as part of his cheerleading team in college or something to be remembered, I certainly believe that Kimani gets to carry Joey's name around as part of who he is because he too is living an exceptional life that is worthy of being honored. And I believe that for as long as I'm committed to elevating Kimani and all the things that I use to elevate Kemani, I use to elevate my daughter Cameron and our twins, August and Charlie. I think that is greatness. That is the greatness within being a parent. It is the toughest job that gets zero recognition, but it certainly should because what we do for the little lives that we love and lead can change the world. I am thankful to all of my friends, those especially who are listening, I'm thankful to them for always seeing Kemani for being gifted to my parents who are learning to understand what autism spectrum disorder is, but yet always seeing Kimani for gifted and exceptional in all the ways that he is for committing to see all of our children that way because we all have opportunities for growth. I'm thankful to Kimani because he sees himself that way and I know that that wouldn't be possible. Him being able to see himself as exceptional first as opposed to being someone on the autism spectrum. That perspective wouldn't be possible if I hadn't been committed to seeing first. He is learning to be and have the mindset that a lot of children aren't taught, a lot of parents aren't taught. It's important to understand that this is my story, because hopefully you gather how important it is to me to find, to love and to lead and to teach other people around the world. This entire process, the kind of process where you find your vision, you see exceptionalities first, you elevate them and you inspire more visionaries to be developed, to grow, to be successful, and to change the world. So the call to action this week is for you to watch our vision video. Long before I decided to do a podcast, I had made a short, can't really call it a short film, but I made a short video about Kimani and what it means to find your vision. And so I encourage you to watch the video. The video is also our creative connections. So, um, please check it out. I promise you won't be disappointed. Uh, I also am asking you to give yourself consideration and grace and joy for where you are on your journey and all the powerful transformations you can have if you chose to see things differently, if you chose to see possibilities as opposed to the limitations. The mantra this week is this. What is meant for me is meant for me. What will be will be. I am here to receive all of life's glory. Blessings are all that I see. Thank you so much for joining. This has been an incredible episode of me not ASD. Until next time you've just listened to see me, not ASD, the podcast with your host to Bekah. Thank you for joining. Please connect with us beyond this week's episode so we can continue the conversation. We hope that you'll have time to visit our website. See me, not asd.com where you'll discover show notes, bonus content, be able to sign up for access to our other resources and submit any questions, comments, or topic ideas. But if you're currently multitasking while watching or listening to this podcast and you're not able to get to the website right now, we simply ask that you remember us on Instagram. See me, not ASD. We have some bonus content that we've bookmarked for you, easy access and you'll be able to get started. We believe we are the number one source for inspiring visionary supporters around the world. So that they can elevate the exceptional people in the world as well in the pursuit of diversity, equity, and inclusion. So as you meet individuals, see them for the exceptional people that they are and do your best to elevate that.