There are two incident on which this episode is based. I was witness to them. One was very unpleasant, and the second was a breather. But both of these events highlight a problem that is deeply rooted in our culture. My name is Divya long time and no parenting podcast. That is what I've been getting in my inbox all through season two. I was already wondering about the swift drift of season two from season one, from toddler centric episodes to childbirth and pregnancy. I was wondering how you guys would take it? What parenting is a journey. It starts with pregnancy and childbirth, and then parenting so we wanted to make it a more comprehensive podcast. So that is essential to me. And you're right. That's the reason. And yes point noted alongside seasoned episodes, you will now be bombarded with mylife Devi toddler centric episodes, and much more and much more frequently from now. So let me give you those two events that I talked about right at the start. I was witness to them. And they kind of compelled me to take up today's topic. So in the first event, there was this little boy all of five or six years old, he was sitting with his art in the main room, eating and and was trying to coax him to eat in a certain way. So that the food does not spill. She said, eat like this, and the food will not fall out of your plate. Okay. The child tried. And the food still spilled. She again helped. Now, not like that. I told you to keep the ball closer. Okay. The guy looked confused. He raised his eyebrows now tried to fiddle around with the ball in the plate. And the food did not spit. And that Oh, that's not right. That's not how you keep the ball. It's not proper. How many times do I have to tell you? But I'm unable to eat with the ball on that side of the plate. I promise I will not let the food for you think that but we keep the ball closer. The food will not fall for sure. But why do I have to do that? to child reacted? His parents were in the other room. All they heard was the last bit and all hell broke loose. They ran to the main room and I thought probably they'll ask What happened? Why did you react like that you could have said that polite leave. However, what I saw was traumatising, both to the child. And to me as a witness as a mother. The child was not asked a thing. He was physically and verbally abused right then and there. Nobody blinked in a in another similar event. Another child of the same age. She answered back to her grandma. While we were all sitting together. I don't want to talk to you. And moments before they were in the other room, the grandma met her and she was playing. And she came in to the main room agitated, followed by her grandma and child did not say anything. She kept playing around us. And as soon as the grandma entered, she started shaming the child saying is that how you children do not listen to us elders. And she went on and on and on. And that's when the child lost it and said, but I don't want to talk to you. We were observing this and trying to understand what really happened. And the grandmom continued, I cannot be more humiliated is that what grandparents are for how to raise children raised anyway. And she left the room. The child started crying. The mother who was in the same room. She heard this quietly. She had come into the room just before the child and the grandma. She got up, went to the doctor and said I know what happened. You know you are angry and you rightly so anybody would be let's talk to your grandma and sort this out. I only want to say that you should tell me when something troubles you right? We'll sort this out. You should not talk like that to anybody that was rude. You will not like it if that happened to you. Right grandma did not like it. So let's go and talk to her. She kissed her daughter on the forehead. And they both left the room.

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I smiled. It touched me deep down. I was later told That the child was being shamed for not keeping the toys in order while it played an order as I said, shame and not being told, the tone. And the way we say things is so important. It's so significant in all our relationships, let alone children. So those were the two episodes that led us to the topic today, children. And the respect paradox. Why the paradox was really supposed to be simple respect is respect here. It is often, however, enforced in an entirely different perspective. I'm splitting this into the what the why, and the how we'll discuss the why first, what second and how third, why, why the paradox, let us first understand what respect is, again, I have split this into two forms. The first is that is a natural feeling that automatically comes to you. And it shows and it translates in your behaviour with somebody. So that is to say that when you admire somebody, when you start admiring somebody, it shows in how you behave with them in different settings. The second form of respect would be where you as an individual take everybody's stance in life in different situations, from a neutral standpoint. If somebody disagrees with you, you do not misbehave with them. It is a conscious state, it is a learned art that allows each person their own space. By the paradox, then Respect your elders. That's how we enforce it. I could never understand why it was uni directed. Why it was directed to one single audience. By we never told respect everybody, including yourself. Confusing respect with obedience, when children were not explained how to respect were told time and again, to respect I think it translated somewhere down the line into obedience, which reflects specifically in how society deals with children. If a child does not listen to him, you know, even if an adult does not listen to an elder for that matter, it is titled as disrespect. So why the paradox that's why the paradox what what are we dealing with in this episode, we are not dealing with the paradox itself, we are not trying to fix the paradox. The paradox has flowed from generation to generation and that is okay. What has flowed has flowed. If any of us realised now that there has been something wrong in the way it has been imposed in our society, we can always prevent it from flowing down to the future generations. That is where children come in. But how do we do that? respecting everybody is very important. But instead of saying, respect your elders, which can actually get internalised as obey your elders, choose to say and imply, respect everyone and teach how respect that conscious state is achieved. It takes time it will take time. We are all born with folly. The first form of respect is born naturally the way you admire somebody. The second form, when you allow everybody, the difference of opinions is learned. It is acquired through numerous experiences that we deal with. If children asked back, if they are curious, if they're straightforward, then ask them with respect. What led to them being angry? At sometimes children are not trying to be rude, they get irritated, they get angry. Sometimes they're plain straightforward and then hurts us. But why should I do that? Is a straightforward question. We get offended because a child questions his back. And we do not know how to handle unfavourable responses. The problem is we were always taught, respect your elders. But we were deemed down as children never respected back. We were told to do things. We were punished for not doing things the way they should be. We were never respected as children. When we thought otherwise and expressed ourselves in little decisions all our childhood.

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Respect to elders soon became internalised As obey your elders, because the wrong examples were set forward. You cannot undo the years of internalisation, but you can fix responses to certain situations to these situations. The second example where the child is dealt with politely, that is with respect, even if she was rude, and it was a natural response to an unfavourable situation to her, she was shown what respect can do now she would internalise that I can handle any situation by talking it out, instead of lashing out. I can choose to be quiet and respond in a polite way, because her mother responded in a polite way. When such examples are put forward throughout the child's development, it helps build trust. It helps build a stronger foundation a confident foundation. It helps build the ability to learn from mistakes without the urge to harm and ridicule others, or ourselves for that matter. We learn to accept unfavourable responses from others remain polite and still have a choice to do what we want. That is there is no emotional burden to live our lives, according to others. Based on the wrong notion of respect. You can respect people and still give them space to do things they want. Actually, you respect people, which is why you give them the space to do things they want, even if it differs from you your own opinion that is respect. Now what the first kind of response the backlash does is it robs the child of curiosity, the right to ask questions, especially when it comes to elders. And this is riskier than we think. In most of the child assault cases, children can be easily manipulated, to not speak up to be muted, to be scared. And since they know that they have had backlash earlier, when they asked uncomfortable questions, they don't open up. It's riskier than we think it is. Similar responses backlash in similar situations, it starts building a distrust in the child for its parents and people around. So it would start hiding things from, you know, its parents and people around when he things or she things, those things will bring in a backlash, it would start distancing themselves, you know, children will start distancing themselves from people, they get in trouble with diamond again, whether or not they'll not be understood, a sense of low self worth can emerge later in life. And children with such frequent similar responses develop a sense of their own self worth, in respecting others. self worth, self respect, is learned with greater difficulty when you know, we start connecting with different people and understanding who we are, we find the need to be respected in return of respecting others. So those are the things that happen when a child is met with frequent backlash on expressing himself or herself. Those are the repercussions. And here's a funny example, I was told to respect elders, and to make sure that I said nasty when I met them, because I heard women coming back and people coming back to my mother in complaining that she doesn't read them. So I was very obedient. I have always been very obedient. So I made it a point that I would say no monster to everybody. And my mom said that you should greet everyone. So there was this, whom I'll meet every now and then in the evenings on the road, she would be going somewhere and I will be playing at my door. And I would make sure that when she sees me, I will say the master and this arm, she would mostly ignore me. So I will wait for her to come closer. And I would say now's the time and again, time and again until she would respond back. So when I when I remember this, when I think about it, I realise how we were never taught self respect. It's just funny how self respect is learned much, much later in life. And it's not internalised just the way we internalise respect on the surface.

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And I later understood that respect is something that you give to others. And it's not something that you ask for. So here's a confession. I fought my urge to be obedient, and to be respectful to others, even when I felt I was being humiliated. I thought maybe I don't understand respect in the way it is. And I felt that probably I am wrong somewhere. If I'm not able to understand why I'm being used humiliated by somebody I respect. So it took me time, it took me time to understand the different flavours of life. So that's a confession I have to make. And the last part on how we respond to children when they misbehave, or even generally is rooted in the power game. You read a mistake, you careless, you this and that. Your elders did a mistake, oops, mistake. You can be verbally abused. But you cannot ask a straightforward question. You can be beaten, but you cannot even play and hurt them. And then children start reflecting this in the way they behave with other children. And, you know, that's something that I've seen around me. And that's something that I think is really, really important. How children behave with the other children actually reflect how they've been dealt with. especially younger children. The power game is very evident in children thrashing and yelling at younger children exercising power, and controlling children younger to you, wanting them to listen to everything you have to say, expecting being respected by them and not returning the same. So children start reflecting that Bob again, when they are playing when they are around other children who are younger to them. And that's something that needs to be kept an eye at, that's something that when we need to enter, and probably that's another opportunity to normalise respecting everybody to normalise not, you know that power game is not how you deal in life. So you'll have to do all the learning and learning later in life when you realise that power game doesn't really exist. And in the previous episodes, we've also discussed about treating children the way you would like to be treated as an adult. This method is rooted in building the concept of respect with children. So, all of parenting, I think it is about respecting the child It is about, you know, dealing with the child the way you would want to be dealt with as an adult, and the way you would deal with another adult. So respect is a conscious state. It provides each one of us the space to work with our differing opinions with our independent ideas, we can mistake and we are all human and we might not even thrash ourselves so much if we were you know, shown respect the concept of respect the way it is right from the start, respect is not obedience respect is in the love we offer and receive respect is in being allowed to express emotions and not being ridiculed for that. Respect is a nod misbehaving with others, we lead by example, and do not miss behave with children in uncomfortable situations in unfavourable situations. So I leave you on that note, and now the parenting tip of the episode. So the parenting tip of the episode today will be something that I've not said before. Usually, the parenting tip of the episode is fun is playing dancing with the children, and everything. But today, since this entire paradox is so evident around us, this entire paradox is very much a part of our society. And it translates into, you know, our corporate culture, the way we are in the society from time to time, even when we become an adult, I think it's a societal responsibility to prevent it from going to the future generation. So if you see a situation where a child is not dealt with respect, and you cannot say something at that point in time, make sure when all your parents when all you mothers that together and you're just generally talking on a lighter note, talk about these things, talk about, you know, measures and how children need to be dealt with. why cannot we make this a part of our general conversation? why cannot we, you know, bring light to things like this. Let's do that. Let's do that. So, you know, it can happen that, you know, in this situation, when something's not right is happening, you cannot speak up, because, you know, nobody will listen to you when they're being blamed. But in general conversations, when we keep bringing these topics, we can make a lot of impact. Let's do that together. And if you know you want to say something to somebody, and you cannot, please send them the link to this podcast. And I think we can solve this together. On that note,

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I would say bye bye. If you like listening to us, please subscribe, download and share. If you want to ask them question if you want to write to us, maybe just a normal greeting. Hi, hello. You want to connect? Please do that. You can listen to us on all your favourite podcasting apps. I'm very much active on Instagram. You can follow me there you can follow us and subscribe us. Yeah. Okay, bye bye. Take care. Happy parenting IE listening