Engineering Emotions and Energy with Justin Wenck, Ph.D.

Ep 49: Leaning In to Upgrade Your Beliefs

March 26, 2021 Justin Wenck Season 1 Episode 49
Engineering Emotions and Energy with Justin Wenck, Ph.D.
Ep 49: Leaning In to Upgrade Your Beliefs
Show Notes Transcript

Why do you have the life that you have? What are the causes of your current finances, health, and relationships? In today's episode I talk about how your beliefs are a major part of what makes your life your life. I'm not talking about if you're a Christian, Hindu, or other religious beliefs. I'm talking about what do you believe about your ability to sing? Make new friends? Be happy?

 

Whether or not you're aware or not, you have beliefs about these topics. Today, we’ll get aware of these beliefs, question where they come from, and then talk about how to change them.

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail podcast@justinwenck.com. Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Then connect with me at  JustinWenck.com, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

Got a question or comment about the show? E-mail me at podcast@justinwenck.com. Remember to subscribe so you don't miss the next episode! Then connect with me at JustinWenck.com, Facebook, Instagram, or LinkedIn!

Justin Wenck:

Welcome to the engineering emotions energy podcast. I'm your host, Justin Wenck. Welcome to the show today. So just me and you together. Last week's episode had fabulous, fabulous topic of travel with. He's He's a best selling author, Tom Dijkstra. So it was really fun to get back to do an interview. This is the first one in 2021. I do have another interview scheduled and so as the first 2021 not going to be the last. And today's topic is going to be about beliefs and leaning in so that you can upgrade these beliefs. So what is what is a belief a belief is something that's just accepted as true without any substantiating facts. And usually when we hear belief, you might be thinking like yo is just going to be talking about Christianity or Judaism or Hindu or religion. Is this gonna? Are we getting all religious? And no, nope, nope, no, no dogmas no religion? No, here's where you got to go on a Sunday or a Friday or mid day of the week? It's all that stuff is fine, if it works. But you know, that's, that's not not my thing on this show. We're talking about beliefs at a much simpler level we're talking about Do you believe you're a good singer? Do you believe you could ever host your own podcast? Do you believe it's easy to make money? Whether you thought about it or not? you an answer likely came to your mind or there was a feeling. So just about everything in life, you have a belief about one way or the other. And as I mentioned, the belief is something that there really is no verifiable proof that it is actually that way. It's just something you accept as a fact. So if I was to ask, you know, do you believe it's easy to make money the most? Most people's answer is often like, no, making money is hard work. Well, what's what what proof because there's plenty of people out there that have an easy way making plenty of money not doing much right? Or they have or they have fun, like Richard Branson, that guy looks like he's having the time of his life. That guy's a billionaire. I'm not gonna say he's not working hard, but it looks like he enjoys what he does. So doesn't necessarily mean one's true. And one's not just means we have these beliefs. And where did they come from? Often we got these beliefs when we weren't even paying attention, we collected them along the way. Much like I remember as a kid and going to the beach. Because I grew up in Orange County, and that's the one thing I miss about living in Orange County is the beaches. And the weatherman, the weather is just you know, it's almost perfect most of the year, never gets too cold, never gets too hot, humanity is never that bad. And then the beaches just you know, great, great sand. Just you know, the waves waves are pretty enjoyable. So you combine the weather with those beaches and that's what I miss the other stuff, you know, the traffic, bit of the culture. But I love going back to visit and enjoying the beaches and amazing weather. And as a kid, I just remember I would play in the sand building sand castles, moats, things like that, it was really kind of fun to you know, build a sandcastle and then as the tide would come in, it would gradually you know, start to destroy it. And you know, eventually the day comes to an end and you try to wipe as much sand as as possible. And you know, you go in the shower because usually a free shower right that's got the the freezing cold water but you know, we're talking the Pacific Ocean, it actually is still warmer than than the ocean water. But you guys on the East Coast there with those nice warm waters coming up from the Caribbean. If you do that shower, maybe that's a little bit more jarring than us West coasters are used to. And you know, your rents off your towel off yet. You get in the car, you start the drive home, and it's all there's a little there's a little sand on my feet, and then you get home and you go to take a real shower. And you notice there's there's still some sand on my butt crack. Why is it How does I didn't know how Sam got all the way up in there. But I showered and it's still up in there. And this is the second shower. And our beliefs are kind of like that, like we really, we weren't. It wasn't intentional. We were just going about our activities. We were just doing what we were doing having a good time. And like the grains of sand. These beliefs have gotten collected. And we don't really become aware of it until it's in a part of our life that is super, super annoying. And it starts to get a little painful annoying. We were like What the What hell is this? Like, what? When did I? When did I pick up that? relationships are really hard? What did I pick up that? You know, healing bodily pains can never happen? When did I pick up that? You know that I'm a horrible singer or that I can't speak in public? What did I What did I pick up these beliefs, you might not even remember, sometimes you might be able to figure it out. what's what's important though, is as soon as you can find out what the belief is, you then have the option of changing it. And often, it's really challenging on your own until it gets really, really painful. And even when it's painful, you might not even be aware of all the pain, all the beliefs that are contributing to your current situation. So this is this is where I want to talk about skiing. So I didn't get started in skiing until much later in life, I was probably about 2026 27. I'm 40. Now, and a lot of people have a belief that it's really, really hard to learn something new. In life, I just had never gotten around a scheme because I thought it was too expensive, which is, which is a belief. And a friend Friend dragged me, and for some reason encouraged me to take lessons. And what's great about taking lessons is you get that outside perspective. And when it's a brand, something brand new, this person can ingrain habits and beliefs. And some ways are very similar to habits. Because what we do is really based off of our beliefs, and so we're going to do the things that we believe are beneficial. And if we don't believe it's beneficial, we're not going to do it, or we'll avoid it. But they can have that outside perspective and see the behaviors that you're doing and ensure that they correct those before they sort of become a habit. And our beliefs are kind of kind of like that. And so I got really good really fast. After three days in a row of skiing, I was able to do the blue runs, which is considered intermediate. So you got your green, which is, hey, anybody should be able to go down, it's gonna be super easy, super chill, then you got the blue, which is intermediate, you're gonna need, you're gonna need some skill, you're gonna need to know what you're doing. And then after about one or two seasons, I was able to, under good conditions, do the Black Diamond, which is you know, the expert stuff. Yet, I realized that it was very condition dependent. And even sometimes, if the conditions were good, I go down a black diamond. And like it was it was not fun. It was it was, you know, I could survive, but I wasn't thriving and enjoying. So I took another lesson years later. And one of the things that the instructor pointed out was it I would have a tendency to when going down a steeper Hill, which that's usually one of the things that makes a run a lot more advanced, is that it's going to be a much steeper grade. Some of these sometimes it's like, you'll swear like this is vertical, this is straight down, this is insane type of thing. Which goes goes to the fact that often our perceptions of things are not a reality. So sometimes, I think like a 45 degree angle will appear to be almost vertical. You know, often when we're driving, you know, 6% grade is considered, quote unquote, really steep and as well as just 6%. Right, like, so. One of the things that this instructor noticed was that he said, Justin, you're not you're not attacking the hill, you need you need be leaning down that hill, but you're leaning back, and that's what's causing you to fall over. That's what's causing you to lose control. That's what's causing you to then end up tumbling down the hill, is that since you are not leaning into it, you are losing control and things are a complete mess. You're not you're not enjoying it, you're not having the control, you're not doing it. And I was reminded this this just this last week because I went skiing for Well actually, in the last last two weeks, I've gone twice but before that I hadn't gone for three or four years because I had a very, very serious knee surgery on my right knee where it was an osteochondral defect and so part of the bone I honestly I've had that was my fourth knee surgery. And so I've had you know where they go in with the arthroscopic and they can take a picture I always thought those things were in black and white but apparently those things are in there in fucking color. Because after this surgery, I saw it and there was read all over and like all that is that explains why that hurts so bad. So I was on crutches for several months and it took six months until I was you know more or less 100 percent to do any activity. But you know, I was uncertain about skiing, and not skiing sort of became a habit. And I finally decided, you know what, I've been able to do everything else, let's go back to skiing. And it was, it was just like riding a bike. And I was, I was amazed at how quickly after three or four years, I was able to get back onto those blue runs and feel really confident. And notice that, oh, yeah, when I lean into, when I lean into this, when I lead into something that's a little bit scary, a little bit challenging. I ended up having the time of my life. And it's just, it feels great. I'm in the moment. And it's scary. And then there's the times where I notice, because I'm now a very experienced good skier, which is a belief I have, there's, there's really no evidence one way or the other, you know, better compared to what good compared to what, but if I noticed, if I lean back, then I start to get a little wildly go a little off course. And so it really is that leaning in. And so what does that leaning in look like when we talk about your life and leading those archetypal life, the kind of life that you want with respect to your beliefs, it's leaning in and finding ways to be aware of, you know, what is your What is your map of the world, because what, if you believe that there are landmines in certain areas, you are going to avoid that if you believe that that's where the treasure is, that's where you're going to go time in again, and again. So it really is leaning in, and one knowing the map. But then also going like well, who, who, what, what asshole actually drew this map out. Because unless you've been doing a lot of work to create your own beliefs that help you, your your map of the world was drawn by your parents, by your teachers, by siblings, by friends, by society, by media. And not none of this was done intentionally to make your life hard. They were just drawn the map as best as the map they had. And their map came from their parents and their teachers and their society and all these things. And so it's not like anyone was trying to give you a bum map, they were given you the best map that they can give you. And you didn't know any better now, because I'm telling you, so you're kind of fucked now. Because now you know, you can learn the map, and then you can start leaning in and testing. Hey, is the treasure really here? Is this actually dangerous? Or is may what I thought dangerous? Is that actually where the treasure lies. And as I found more and more, where we think the danger is, that's actually where the real gold of life is. Like, I grew up a really, really shy kid. Like, there were people that would say, you know, like, maybe the only time I ever talked to him was to ask, Hey, would you sign my yearbook? And they were just like, yeah, great year, you're so quiet. See you next year. And and so a lot of people hear that they go, What are you talking about? Justin, you're like the most gregarious guy like all this talk. And all, you know, you've spoken at events with hundreds of people, you know, you'll go to an event, you'll talk to talk to lots of people, that's, that's all learned behaviors, those are beliefs that I have modified over the years, you know, through working with other people. And, again, a lot of this is know your blind spots. And the challenges that if you could see your blind spot, it wouldn't be a blind spot, you would have known that you would have done about it. So chances are if there's something in your life, that's not going the way you want it, you have a blind spot. And you might get lucky, you might get lucky and somehow catch it and fix it. But I'm one of those guys that's often believed that I'm not that I'm not that lucky, not in the sense of, you know, stuff as I'm beginning to believe when that's also a belief that I hadn't believed. So I'm trying, I'm starting to shift that but it doesn't mean I'm not going to be pragmatic and give myself the best possible odds. Because there's a little bit of, you know, there's the statistics of a situation. So you want those to be in your favor. But then there's also the making your own luck and being confident that, hey, these are the odds, but I'm going to be over in this bucket, which gives me you know, the best return the best best odds, right? And we see often you know, that that, that little difference, believing that you make the difference just by how you believe makes all the difference. The placebo effect is very, very real, which is why it's so challenging to come up with drugs and things that do better than placebo. Because the placebo effect is very powerful, which is just, I believe this is going to do something good for me. And that's, you know, sugar pill is what the given as a placebo. And very often people have real, measurable benefits just by taking a little sugar pill because they believe it's gonna benefit them. So how do you find the blind spots? I, I've gotten more and more aware, like I take all the help that I can get. So, you know, at work, that's, you know, not just my manager and co workers, but it's finding other mentors. It's also friends, and then finding coaches, personal development coaches like Jim forton, right, you know, is talking about him, like, I found him a phenomenal coach, Michael bernoff, I've talked about him, I've gone to Tony Robbins events, so through there, and then you know, you get involved in the communities, but then also, therapy is a very, very helpful way to really lean in, to go up to go deep with someone that is, you know, certified in the challenges that you are facing. And when I was in grad school, it was became very necessary for me to get into therapy, because I had a severe depression, which I believe I've mentioned on this on this show, before, you know, and you see a couple a couple that with how shy I was, you know, in most of my high school and stuff and my my resources for getting people, you know, trusting enough and other people to be vulnerable and share, like, Hey, this is what's going on, here's my thoughts, here's my feelings, that then they could kind of go like, hey, well, here's what I see. Like maybe this, maybe it's not what you think it is, maybe it's these other things. I didn't have the resources. So for me, actually, it wasn't until I'd gone through. And then I've been over five years of therapy, that's when I was starting to feel confident enough that these other which in some cases can be much more effective, depending on the case. Because again, a lot of this is what is it? What is it you're trying to accomplish? What's your outcome? What, what beliefs are you trying to tackle? And in what way is that once I got to that level, then I can start using these other tools. So there's never just one tool is better than another? It's what what are you trying to accomplish? Right? Like, if I'm trying to hammer and nail the hammer is fantastic. But I don't want to use that hammer, when I'm trying to do some delicate touch up work. You know, with some paint, like I don't want to paint with a hammer, it's probably not going to look too pretty. So it's the right tool for the right job. And lately, I got into another depression in, you know, starting, you know, October, November. I mean, a lot of ways Maybe there was a collective depression in, you know, the entire globe, right? And maybe some of you been trying to get out to therapy or have friends who have or maybe not, but the therapists have been overrun, because there's so many people seeking help. And so to find someone at a brick and mortar, which I did for five years, where I'd pay the money, you know, and then I even I even moved, and so I'd have to travel, like about 60 minutes round trip each way, just to go see that see that my therapist? And it was that was totally worth it. And then now there's better ways to do it. I've been using betterhelp since November, to talk to my therapist, oh, that's all they Oh, they connected me with a therapist. So one thing that was cool was, you basically say like, here's all the things that I I'm looking to work for. And then they match you with somebody that is like that's like their specialty. And I was you know, kind of kind of amazed. It's like, yeah, whatever just kind of hook me with whatever like, like a dating site, they say like, oh, we're gonna, you know, 46 levels of compatibility, we'll find you your soul mate. And that's just what I was just, you know, whoever was online, they don't really care. That was just my experience from many, many, many years ago on eHarmony. Your mileage may vary. And I was like, Oh, this person actually, you know, the resume is like, this is somebody I would meet with and then was able to get an appointment within like, two or three days. Whereas as calling, you know, another, another office and they wouldn't even call me back to tell me that they didn't have appointments. That's how busy they were. So I would definitely recommend, you know, some of these new things like better help calm, really phenomenal and then for couples, there's regained us, which is something I've been trying out lately too, because sometimes you need a little bit, you need to lean in not just with yourself, but sometimes you need to lean in with your partner, and figure out better ways to relate to communicate. Because once you start being aware of your beliefs, the next the next level is starting to understand other people's beliefs. Because, again, a belief is something that is believed to be true, without any evidence one way or not to support it. Because basically, basically, whatever a belief is, you could you could have a completely you could have the opposite belief. You might be like, no, there's no way it's like, but I can give you I give you examples, that people just like you that totally believe the opposite. You know, like, hey, selling to people is hard. There's people that think like, selling is so easy and selling so fun, there's no reason why you couldn't believe that too, if you've wanted to go through the process of changing that belief. So I'm not going to go into that process. Today is really just about leaning and becoming aware and believing that it's possible to know and change your beliefs. So it's really important to not just know your map, but as you start to expand, and you want to work better with other people start to recognize their beliefs, what is their map of reality, and realize that it could be very, very different than yours. And that's where, you know, that's where something like regained at us couples therapy, you know, or just even doing a coaching program with your partner, because my wife and I, we've done coaching programs together, and such a great benefit, because just about every coach, they kind of have their own their own language, their own way of using words and things like that. And so when you have that, you start to have that shared vocabulary. Where you, you both go, Oh, we both know what this word means, because it's been explained to us at the same time. Whereas, when even if you both are native English speakers, just because, you know, someone might say, I'll be there soon. what's what's soon to me, might be very late to you, right? Or vice versa. Because to me soon, I don't know, to me, that's five minutes. But there's people out there that soon as 20 2015 minutes. So that's why we're really getting specific, being very clear. And having that shared dialogue, and sometimes it's good to have someone you know, to sort of play translator while you're figuring out each other's languages. So really think that's, that's all I got for today? I mean, it's just yeah. So again, if you want to contact me podcast at Justin Wenck, calm, please go to Justin Wenck calm. Subscribe to newsletter to find out about the latest episodes, subscribe to this podcast on iTunes or your favorite podcast, listening device. And if you like the show, hit me up with, you know, a five star review and say some good things like really helps, helps get the word out, because looking to you know, help more people in more ways. And, you know, but if you don't want to rate it five stars, that's what that's what the email addresses for or my social media, you know, says, you know, find me Justin Wenck, w e and ck. And, you know, let me know what could be better, or what you'd like to see, so I can get better because I believe I'm doing the best damn podcast that I can. Yet I also believe it could be even better. And with your help, we can make that better. Because there's a lot of people out there that need to know this stuff that I'm talking about you you're getting a benefit, so spread the good word, my friend. And that's all thanks so much and good day.