The Embodied Alchemy Pod

1. Turning Pain Into Purpose with Dominique Cheshire

January 30, 2020 Dominique Season 1 Episode 1
The Embodied Alchemy Pod
1. Turning Pain Into Purpose with Dominique Cheshire
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Six years ago I lived through an incredibly traumatic event.

My whole life changed, and although it was INCREDIBLY tough, I made sure those changes led to something bright and beautiful.

Today we get real, and *very* raw about the reality behind my freak accident, the process of recovery, and the power of community.

You can follow the podcast at @embodiedalchemy.pod
Follow host, Dominique at @domchesh

If you love this episode please feel free to share with a friend, and make sure to hit subscribe, and 5 stars to keep this empowered, gorgeous community growing! xo

FULL TRANSCRIPTION
https://dominiquecheshire.home.blog/the-embodied-alchemy-podcast/

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speaker 0:   0:00
welcome to the embodied alchemy podcast. I'm your host, Dominique Treasure embodied Alchemy started as a way to describe finding empowerment and has quickly grown into so much more embodied. Alchemy is about feeling the tough stuff and working through it. It's about sharing our stories, speaking our truth and hoping that there's someone out there who feels it, too. We're here together to celebrate our ups and downs because the tough stuff is where the magic happens. I am so excited to be here with you today. Are you ready? Let's go. I am so excited to share this week's episode with you, but first, a quick shout out to our amazing sponsors. Pure balanced, balanced with an ex instead of a C. Is it brand I have personally left for a little while now I have a shirt and a crew sweater, and I love rocking them both. Pure Balanced is an empowering apparel brand out of Toronto, creating luxurious everyday pieces. All their clothing include a sewn and empowering statements simply flipped the X to read the affirmation. There a brand committed to community, with 5% of sales donated going to net IQ and 5% of sales going to friends. First, you can check everything out about them on Instagram at Pure Balanced, as well as their blogged and online store, which is pure balanced dot com. We want you to be able to experience their incredible stuff yourself. So for our listeners, use code alchemy 20 for 20% off your purchase. And be sure to listen to founder Ali's story on Episode two of this season. I am so grateful to be supported by Carmen Darley of Carly De Paintings. She is a resin based artist and Toronto entrepreneur who was excited to offer podcast listeners an exclusive discount on all products Service's and experiences. Go to carly paintings dot com to see all the gorgeousness and use code alchemy 15 for 15% off anything under $100. Make sure to tune in to Episode four of the Pod, where Carmen shares the journey behind her Amazing art. We are supported by fully shipping house plants in cool pots, two doorsteps across Ontario. Student to be nationwide, fully makes welcoming plants into your home or office. Easy and convenient. Choose your plant in pot of choice and within 2 to 3 days you're fully will arrive to your doorstep. Plus 95% of all packaging is recyclable. That is important. Fully provides happy, healthy hardy plants that are easy to care for. Many are locally grown in Ontario. Use code fully pod for 20% off your purchase at shop fully dot c A and joined the plant obsession. I know I have. Okay, here we are. I am sitting on my chair, cozied up, taking deep breaths because I I really want this version of my story this moment. What I'm talking about my story to be the most riel that I could possibly share with you. I believe in A. I'm pretty sure this is true for most people, that the further away we get from events in our life that we're really, really happy or really, really painful, the harder it is to sort of revisit what that felt like, and not necessarily because it's it's hard emotionally, although that's true, too. But the further away from these things we get, um, just the last real they feel. So I am here to try to sit in all the real nous for you and for anyone who's new to me today. Hi and I I really hope that this gives you a little bit of insight into my story into what I'm about and that there's something in here, especially if you're going through a really tough time that hopefully resonates and know that the tough times that we go through suck and I I know that they suck. But if you can find a way to claw your way out of it, we're lost on your way out of it or just get out of it. Breathe through it. There's so much magic in our stories and there's so much magic in the tough stuff. And it might sound crazy to say this now, and I can't believe I would have ever been saying this, but I'm a really, really grateful for all of the shitty things that I lived through because as shitty as they felt at the time, they have brought so much light into my life in truth into my life that I never would have had the pleasure of having if I hadn't have lived through that shitty stuff. So if there's anything else, if this is very relieved each other, this is very you turn off. Please. At least take that away. That the things that sock Wimmer in them, the darkness that we can feel the helplessness that we can feel is temporary. And we are beings of light and love. And if you can find a way to make it through and it doesn't even have to be gracefully because universe knows we just need to make it through. There's so much for you on the other side. And on that note, I kind of want to set the scene here for you. So my whole life I identified as a dancer my whole life was dancing specifically ballet. Um, which is kind of hilarious now because I'm very short and I grew up dancing, just sort of. I feel like on the cusp of the time when there was still this conversation around what a dance body looks like and what companies want to hire you four based on what you look like. So I was a dancer and I took that very seriously. I worked super super hard and being that person who wants things to be perfect, I had a lot of anxiety, not just around dance, but in school, in life in general, um, I was always at, like, a 10 on the stress level, and I didn't really have tools to manage stress and anxiety. They weren't really something we talked about in my family. It was very much the British way of, like, suck it up and get through it. And so I kind of got to a point when I was growing go growing into being a teenager where I just felt very overwhelmed, a very stressed and that manifested itself in stomach aches. I was throwing up all the time for seemingly no reason. I was I didn't have the flu. I wasn't chronically ill in a way that was tangible. But I was just throwing up all the time, which now I understand brain got connection there so intensively interconnected that what you're thinking and what you're feeling are directly related to each other. And so I what started this period of time where I was sick all the time, my test ins were inflamed. I, like had weird reactions to food, and that sort of continued on through this journey. So that's sort of what was happening for me. physically. Um, as I was getting further and further into dancing, I started to get little pockets of pain. So I and I still have this, actually, but, um, I get this part of the inside of my knee that will swell up, and I couldn't I couldn't do anything to calm it down. I was in physio all the time, and then that created more stress because I was injured and I wanted to dance, and I was falling behind and sort of became this big circle where I had anxiety that people weren't talking about its stomach issues, that nobody could tell me why they were happening. I was in and out of the doctors. I was on and off of medication constantly. Nothing was working, and I had a chronic injury that I got nobody could fix. Nobody could tell me this is what's happening. I was paying so well. My parents were paying so much money in treatment and nothing was getting better, which was just causing me more anxiety. So I decided at 16 17 I stepped away from the dance world because I just felt like I was falling apart a little bit and and in a way I started falling apart kind of differently. If your whole life has always been movement and your whole identity has been as an athlete when you don't have that anymore, it's really tricky to sort of integrator. I found it really tricky to integrate back into high school life. I had friends, but I didn't have a strong social group. I knew how to talk to the people in my dance world, but I didn't really feel like I had the skills to communicate with my a load of my peers. I wasn't really into social media. I wasn't really enter boys. I never really felt pretty. I didn't really wear makeup. I didn't feel very good. I actually had a terrible relationship with my body because of dance stuff and then also I felt like it was my enemy. I felt like it was Disserving me. I was sick. I was injured like I just I didn't feel very good and so by the time I got thio grated 12 I was like, I need to be out of here. I had had a boyfriend, we broke up and I did not know how to handle that very well at all. And I was just like, I need to I need to I need to not be here. I could care less about university. I was a very good student. I worked very, very hard and I got into some very competitive programs that I just felt like I can't I need I need a year of processing. I need a year away. So I saved up my money. I found an organization to travel with and I just no worries not a care in the world made my way down to Bogota in Colombia, which at the time when I went was not something that people did. They had just started trying to promote tourism. Ah, home And I didn't speak a lick of Spanish. My dad actually pretty much insisted that I dye my hair. I I am not natural. I am naturally blonde, not so blunt anymore. But I was still fairly blind at the time, and I had to dye my hair dark and at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if you've got blue eyes in a country where that's not as common people, you stick out and I found a lot of grace here. I found a lot of heart here. I saw a new way that people were living away. That was, um, in a lot of I that that showed me how much privilege I had in my life growing up in Canada and in a fairly wealthy area of Canada. And I was approached while I was there, uh, to see if I would want to run a dance program. And I was sort of, like, what? I came here to get away from all of that stuff. Like, people here are teaching English. They're building houses, they're helping families. They're helping. That believed us. Like you want me to teach dance program? I mean, yeah. So I did. I was taken Thio taking to a facility. It's it's a school, but it Yeah, it is. It is a sinking to a facility. And they actually did have an art room there, which I didn't even expect. Like a little art studio room. And apparently ah, volunteer a few years before me had come in, had tried to set up a program. The Children loved it. Teachers loved it. But then when they looked there was nothing to continue to continue it on. So, me being there, they were wondering if I could help sort of re bring it to light and fill that gap. So here I am not really speaking very much Spanish, actually. Pretty much know Spanish, uh, 18 having never been in a place, Another place of the world like this. And I'm like, Yeah, sure, I'll do this. So I figured out that there was pretty much no organization at this school. And so I created a time slot and I created a list. And on Lee, Children who were supposed to be in the room at that time slot were allowed to come in. Now, I wasn't saying no to Children. I was just trying to establish like, This is the time. These are the kids here at this time which works pretty well and will be ended up doing was I would teach they're pretty much all day. I would teach a couple of classes and we decided to put together a routine for the kids. And the day that I ended up having to leave happen to be International Dance Day, which was unbelievable timing, Super crazy. So it was. It was perfect and there was a lot of things I learned while I was there, and I think I'll save all of that for another another pod. But basically it re handled this love up dances. It rekindled this love of movement. I was watching these kids who really didn't have very much still have so much joy. And that relieved, really, really reminded me of the fact that we are so lucky. And this is what it's about. Movement is about feeling good. It's not about what my body looks like. It's about being free and laughing and enjoying it. And I was like, Yes, I'm inspired. This is what I want to dio However, I had already agreed to go to university. My parents had already paid some money for that, so I was like, All right, I'll give this. I'll give this university thing I shot. I'm pretty feeling pretty inspired anyway, and I'll just, like, join a dance team or something. Within literally a week of being on university. I was like, No, no, no, no. This is not the place for me and it was tricky, and I think that It's something that a lot of us go through when you're in a world you know, growing up through high school, you can kind of do the things you want to dio I had my structure of school and I had my structure of dance and I could do both. But it does feel trickier as you get older to continue doing that. It does feel like at a point, people are asking you well, which one and no However, many years later I can see that you don't have to choose. You can be everything that you want to be. But at the time, I felt like I had to choose. And so at this point, I haven't really been dancing for about two years. But my heart is just dying to get back into it. So I reach out to some contacts. Ah, who I knew in the dance world to see what they did post secondary Because I didn't want to go to university. I really wanted to just dance. Ah, and that's where I was connected. Thio the school in Toronto Dance theater Perfect for me. I live just outside of Toronto, so I did a little bit of dancing, a little bit of training back into physio Some of these issues that I had before a sw far as injuries were coming back up. But I thought, you know what? Fuck it. I don't care. I'm just gonna keep doing Madu. And that's important to know because this is sort of a theme throughout my life as I feel things that are kind of bringing me down. And I go through that whole Western process of in and out of doctor's offices on and off of medications, getting blood tests, not feeling like anything's working. I get to a point where I just feel like fuck yet like, this is what I want to dio I'm gonna figure out a way to do it. I'm just gonna do it my way with what feels good. I want to know about me. So I auditioned for a TD t I do their summer camp by the grace of God, I end up getting in, uh, which I really appreciate from them because I have seen the dancers that come through their program, and I know I was not at that level when I auditioned, but I am so grateful that I got to go to the school. And so I begin this new life, this life that I that I thought that I really, really wanted living in the city, living with roommates, dancing all day, creating all day and then going home sleeping and doing it all again. But very quickly all of these little ISMs that occurred before start coming up again. I am ferociously ill in my digestive system. I am constantly having spasms, constantly having back pain, that nobody medically can tell me what it ISS other than giving me medication for the idea of an intestinal spasm, even though that totally was not what was happening. I have injuries, but we all had injuries, and you just kept sort of going through. And so I did this for my first year of university. I ended up are my first years area of Toronto dance theater. I ended up not finishing the final performance because I got pneumonia, which I think was like 80% to do with where I was living cause our landlord turned the heat off, which now I know it's illegal. At the time, I did not, um, but also because I had so much anxiety and my immune system was just down. And when we're feeling stress when we're feeling anxious, our immune system goes off line because our body is just trying as in fighter flight survival mode. So I spent that summer started being like Okay, Do I want to go back into this? Do I want to keep dancing? And my answer was just Yes, I want to create I want to move. This is my life. This is everything I've always been. And so I go back to Tono, prepared for round two of school. You have to be invited back. Thio, continue through the program which I waas So I thought great. Here we go round Thio Fresh perspective. I've learned my lessons away we go and sure enough it happens to get my stomach Isn't not I can't eat for days I'm constantly ill. I am miserable. I am rail skinny compared to what I like should be considering I was dancing all day and way skinnier than I Whatever. Like really want to be, Um but I'm supposed to be happy. I'm suppose I'm doing the thing I'm supposed to be loving and looking back again. I can see that that environment was not a healthy environment for me to be in. I don't think it was very healthy for many of us to be in, to be honest, but I kept doing it and I actually, by the time I got to the second to the end of my second year, I started to realize this. It started to realize, Oh, the pain that I'm feeling the stuff that I'm feeling is more than just sickness, and I'm tired of going to the doctor. So I ended up connecting with a woman that I had met through work who was an energy worker. And I've always been fairly spiritually I grew up pretty witchy, pretty woy on. So I was like, Yes, that bring this on police. Nothing else medically has worked. And she and I started to work on protecting your energy, protecting your boundaries, being in your own bubble, not taking on other people's shit, recognizing thes signs that can come up in our body as a way to get our attention and not think of them as the enemy, but rather think of them as an alarm bell of love. And so I started to sort of home to this intuition a little more intentionally, which allowed me to finish my second year on a really good note was staging my whole body like crazy every day. But I actually finished really strong and so excited that I had said no to things that weren't working, started to listen to my intuitions, started to build up my toolbox of how to handle anxiety, how to handle not depression, but feeling of not of unworthiness, of making sure that I was giving my body what it needed to be ableto work optimally. And we had a kick ass, a couple of pieces of choreography to finish the year off, and I was stucked So at this time I'm like living my best life, unlike yes, I survived my second year, I started thriving through life. I'm dancing and actually loving. Yet I've made new friends have started to explore these other versions of myself that I've always repressed and I'm feeling really, really good. And so a very hot day in June I am at some new friends. They are living in a house downtown. I'm at their house and there's no air conditioning because landlords are shitty to students. And so half of us are on a second floor balcony and half of us are on 1/3 for black balcony. And I am. This is where I start. I start to not really remember. I don't know what I know and what I've been told. But from what I've what I've been told that I started to piece together. I was talking to a friend and she and I were arranged so that I was against the railing and she was facing me. And I do remember hearing a sort of a crack and this moment off. Oh, and then that's kind of it. And so what has been filled in for me is that where I was standing was right at the intersection of the railway or the balcony railway railing and at the the wall of the house. And for no reason that we can tell other than no maintenance and being a crappy landlord, the railing started to give away. And because I was right at the intersection where that was where it was connected, it peeled away from where I was first. And so I remember. All I remember is this feeling of hands underneath my back and it really confused. Maybe has I did not. I could not remember for a fair while what happened. But I remembered these hands. And so what happened was that I was falling backwards. And if I had landed backwards onto concrete steps, I for sure would have broken my spine shattered vertebrae in my spine. I would have smashed the back of my head open. Um, most likely I would have smashed into some internal organs, which would have left a lot of internal bleeding, and the likelihood of me dying was really high. But what I remember is falling and feeling hands on my back and feeling really supported. I remember feeling like I was being guided, and when I came to, I was sitting up and I was very confused. I couldn't really see anything. I couldn't really understand why everyone around me was panicking. And I remember just feeling like I need to go to sleep. I'm really overwhelmed and my head really, really hurts. And I just need to lie down. Somebody believes that me lie down and what I was told later was that my friends that had been standing on the balcony watched me fall. A few of them almost went down as well, but had that extra split second to be caught. They watched me fall. They watched me at the steps. They washed blood pool around my head and they watched me lay there. And it all happened very quickly. Um, there was some very quick response from the people around me. They ran through the house saying, Call 911 ran downstairs and I was told that there was this moment when the girls who who came outside we're about to open the door and at this moment where they looked at each other and we're sort of like we might be finding a dead body, we don't know. But they opened the door and I was sitting up And who the fork knows how I got there. But I did. My whole forehead was completely at least but open to the bone. So there was a lot of blood, a lot of blood. My nose was broken and there was a lot of damage through my body. But at that time we were all just like Holy crap, I'm I'm awake. So 911 was called. I think the police came as well. I've spoke to the police at some boy because they have a report, but I don't I don't remember that All he remembers is feeling like my head really hurts. And but I feel okay. And this is what adrenaline does. Adrenaline supports our body so that we don't feel pain. And I I didn't understand. And I'm being put in a neck brace. I'm being put onto a stretcher. I'm being slid into an ambulance. My friend is is with me and I can't understand. And then it was sort of out of nowhere. Once the the loudness and the chaos and the business of everybody around me being gone us being in an ambulance, I started to feel immense amounts of pain like I had been hit by a bulldozer That then ran back over me. And the thing that I am most concerned about is the pain in my foot. I remember just thinking I can't I don't care if my face is shuttered. I don't care if I never looked pretty ever again. I care that I can dance. Thank you here, that I can move. I cannot have a broken foot. I will not. I will not stand for that. It's not possible. So I started a. I started to sing because I felt like I needed to sing to distract myself, and I started to shake my good foot. At the time, I just felt like I needed to shake it because I needed to distract the pain to something else. And now I know so much more about trauma and how trauma exists in the body, and it is so good for us to shake. We need to shake to get these. The's er big burst of energy of, of adrenaline and experience completed through the body. And so I shuck. The paramedics were fine to let me shake my leg. When I got to the hospital, I was taken straight to trauma, and I just remember being on the table again. I can't really see anybody in. I'm being asked questions, and I'm joking and I'm laughing because there's so much adrenaline in my body, I have no idea. I have no idea that condition that I'm in and so I'm singing and I'm laughing and they have to cut my clothes off. And I'm upset because I was wearing my favorite underwear and my favorite shirt. Actually, I think somebody else gave me their shirt. Um, yeah, because I don't think I think I had a bathing suit on or something Anyway, on and I'm put under and at this at this point in time, my parents have been contacted and being the amazing parents that they are. When they were told that I had been taken to emerged, they were sort of like, well, for a cut on her head because, obviously being in so much shock themselves, my friends were unable to articulate exactly what had happened. And they were just like, No, you need to You need to come. She's been taken to the hospital, and my parents were sort of like I mean, okay, it sounds like we need to come, but this is really more of a hassle than anything. And by the time they got to the hospital, I had already been taken in for surgery and they were They were approached by a religious person in the hospital and they were approached and this this priest, ERP minister whatever knew that they were? They were the parents of me of the accident that that I had been brought in for. And so when they went up to my parents and said, You know, if you need any counseling or support, you're welcome to come to the chapel and I will be there. And my parents were sort of like, Well, why doesn't she just have a cut on her head? At which point they were told? No. In fact, the accident that I was in Onley happens a couple times of a here. I hear it in the city, and the rate of pupil walking away is pretty much zero. There's usually extensive brain damage. There's usually internal bleeding tears he usually damage to the spine where they die. At which point my parents are like what the flock is going on, What the fuck happened here? And so at some point I come out of surgery, I start to wake up, and I'm on high painkillers, really high painkillers. And I know that I'm on intense pain killers because the moment they start to wear off, I can't help but not scream yet I did, but not yet. But I can't help but be like, what the fuck? Like, what is this pain? I was fine a minute ago, and so as they were assessing, my body's I was taken through. I did have damage. I had a severe concussion. I broke my nose. My forehead been had been split completely open. And they had said that even if I had had no weather damage, the amount of damage on impact to my head, they would have had to put me under just to sew it back up. I had damage down my spine down the right side of my spine, the muscles. I had whiplash and then just impact trauma down my whole right side, down the back of my right hip, and I had shattered many, many bones in my left foot. None of them punctured through, but they had all shattered. And so I had to stay in the hospital. Pretty, I think, until overnight. I think we were there all night because they had to wait to be cleared, um, to take the neck, brace off and be cleared from the surgeon to Not that I didn't need any any, like paralysis work. So only clothes have been cut off. I didn't have any underwear. I don't have anything. And I they told me I can leave. And I remember making this joke to the nurse, like all I have is a hospital gown. You cut off all my clothes. My parents, I don't live with my parents. They didn't bring any clothes for me. I don't have anything. And so they gave me some Masha Masha Hospital undies and the guy who's working the front desk gave me his shirt, huh? And I don't remember the right home. I just remember overall this whole period of time, feeling very overwhelmed and very confused. My dad carried me in to my sister's room because her bedroom was on the main floor, so it was easiest to get to, and that is where it pretty much stayed for months. I was in such extreme shock. It took a couple days for me to really understand how much pain I was in. They gave me medication to take home. I was given Percocets and I took them for about a week, and I just had this feeling of I want to feel the pain that I'm in, which sounds saying it out loud. Sounds like some kind of sick punishment to myself. But it wasn't a felt like I need to know exactly what hurts where it hurts and how bad it hurts if I'm ever going to get better. If I can't feel what's going on, I can't make it better. And as a disclaimer, I don't recommend that method. I highly recommend that if you have had any trauma in your body and you need medication to work through it, please take it. Please. D'oh! And so I go a boat, go about 7 to 10 days with his medication, and I I have to go in and see my doctor. And my doctor is like, Holy fuck what happened here And she pretty much does to me any anything that I need that I feel like I need. She's She's open to talking about which I am very grateful, and this whole week, as I'm still in my little delusional bubble about what happened any time I go out in public, which wasn't a lot, but I had a lot of you know, like I had to go see my doctor. I was in a lot of pain. I wanted to see my osteo path, so I'm making little. I had no clothes. I had to go in close. So as I'm out in about, I get a lot of looks from people. I get a lot of alarm from people and that sucked. I didn't understand why people were looking at me a certain way, and I didn't understand how shocking I looked to people because in my mind, I was just thinking about getting better and that this is my life and suck it up. And this is what I feel like right now. And this is what they look like and people can just be okay with it. And I remember my mom and I going shopping. We went to our local mall and I just needed to buy underwear. I didn't have any underwear and being in the mall and people actively staring and it was sort of around this point that I started to recognize Oh, this isn't This isn't just a Knave Ridge incident. This isn't just a average accident. This isn't the way that most people look. I don't look the same. I had comments where I was at a spa with my not a spy was I was getting a manicure with my mom and we were sitting in the spa chairs. It was a small place and this woman walked in, took one look at me and across the room yelled, Oh, my God, what happened to you? And I was mortified, so embarrassed that I looked this way that people felt called to say things out loud, which is really ironic because I actually didn't care. It was said to me many, many times, you know, like, you are so lucky. It is near never that people walk away from an experience like this and you have. And I actually genuinely felt that the thing that I was most upset about was that I couldn't dance was that I had spent all of this time building these tools to get through school, to thrive through school, toe live my pickets life and who felt like that was all gone. So I kept taking care of my skin. My mom, it's a freakin angel. And, uh, she wouldn't rub a low. She would rub vitamin E. She would rep essential oils all over my face. She would take care of the scars that won't gross, that I couldn't do myself. I had a really hard time bathing because I wasn't allowed to get my forehead wet while the stitches were in and my leg was casted. So I had to do like a weird mermaid bath where I had to have my head supported and because I had had whiplash. I couldn't do that. So I ended up just cutting off my hair because it was way too much hassle to try to take care of. My, uh, one of my mom's best friends is a hairdresser, so I would go to the hairdresser's once a week and have them wash my hair for me, which I really appreciate it. And I really I was really focused on on my foot, and so I had to have a surgery. I went in and the first surgery I had, they put in metal plates and screws to bring all the bones together, and I was told, You know, like you'll be, you'll be lucky if you regain mobility here and again. This resilient, stubborn dom energy that I have what's like Mom, I'm a dancer and and I wanna dance again. So let me Let me be the boss. Let me decide how this is gonna go. And I went for a boat. I went for about four months without being able to walk. And I will tell you how quickly your muscles deteriorate when you don't use them for that amount of time, I literally watched the muscles in my left leg soften into nothing, which is also really hard when your whole identity has been movement and strength Tow. Watch these parts of your body Will that wither away without feeling like there's very much you can do about it. And at this point, as I'm between surgeries, as I'm not really capable of walking but desperately looking to do something, I start rolling out my yoga mat and breathing little bits of movement that I can little bits of stretching, putting my hand over my head over my heart, over my hips, over my foot, every place that that was hurting, which was pretty much my entire body. I'm just saying I love you, which I now know is is a practice and Ricky. But at the time, I just felt like this is what I need to d'oh! I couldn't do a ton of socializing so is too exhausting. So I had friends that would come and just lay down and hold my hand where Bring me soup, Bring me movies Coming cuddle which I was so grateful for. But when September rolled around and everyone had to go back to their lives in school, I was sort of left alone. And this is where I'm very grateful. Like this is where the gratitude starts to come in even more because this is when I started Pilates and I remember calling the studio and she kind of knew the owner kind of knew what had happened, acts. I had a really good friend who worked there and had told her on dhe. She was like, Okay, we'll set you up with privates. Let's see what we can do. And at this point, remember, I'm not really walking, and I remember getting to the studio, opening the door on my crutches and they're just being stairs. I remember opening the door and saying to myself, Is this a fucking joke? How we gonna get these stairs, and in that moment I just decided, while I just have to do it if I want to get to the top, I have to climb the stairs And it was no pretty and it was not graceful. I had to scoot on my bum. It did drag my crutches behind me, but he did it and I got to the top and I began. This is very began. Pallotti's and my dear, dear one of my best friends vow. She was my She was my teacher and we laugh because our paths have crossed so many times, and this was one of those moments where I didn't really know her. She was just my instructor and bless her. I was one of her first clients of her Pallotti's career, and I'm battered. But we had a really good time together, and I found so much value and just being able to move my body. At this point, you know, I've been eating as best as I can, but my body's in full on recovery road mode. I've put on a little bit of weight, but I don't care. I just want to move my body and so I start. I start practicing Colombia's three times a week. I start building some strength back in my leg without any kind of weight bearing. Eventually, I'm clear to start walking so I can start adding more movement, more weight bearing more mobility. My ankle is stuck. It's been held in a cast for months. I start working on range of motion and slowly, but surely I start to get into this daily habit of or weekly life of having Pilate's three times a week moving on my mat, doing my laundry cooking. This is when I become vegan and creating this little routine. I go to therapy once or twice a week as well. I can't quite remember, and my whole life basically becomes recovery in all kinds of ways. I did energy work. I was super mindful of what I was eating, also because I because I had brain damage, it took me a really long time to be able to do simple tasks. So following a recipe was like a daylong event. Bless. At the beginning, I was also on crutches that I couldn't even really carry ingredients, so I had to scoot on my bomb around my kitchen and Oh, God, it was such a time. And yeah, my my life, my routine becomes appointments and routine and sleeping and processing. And and I start Oh, I start to get better And the speed at which I started to improve Was it unbelievable to most of the doctors that I was seeing? Not my energy worker. She was like, Well, yeah, Dad, we're doing the work. Of course you're getting better. But every time I am went into my regular doctor's office and she asked me, what do you need? And I told her what I was doing and that I that I felt pretty supportive. She was like, Wow, Okay, I did have a surgery on my scar because it was huge and massive. And just for the health of my skin, Um, I needed toe, cut it back open not as deep, just superficially, kind of back open and bring it back together so it could heal in a more healthy way. Um, and technically, the procedure that I had that you're invited to do it twice. But after the first round, my plastic surgeon again was sort of like, Holy crap, this is healed unbelievably well, How did you do that? And I can name like that. I'm just I'm just doing doing Madou. I'm doing therapy. I'm moving my body. I'm eating well, I'm being mindful when I can. I'm I'm breathing. And I'm also remember, keeping in mind very sad and very much going through PTSD. But I'm thes air. The things that I've built around me tow give my day purpose. Because if I didn't have a purpose, if I didn't have these appointments, I had to show up to you. If I didn't have have these things every day that I felt like I needed to dio, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed and I probably wouldn't have recovered. To be honest, I would probably still be stuck in that zone of sadness and sickness and pain. I have a second surgery on my foot this time to take out all of the metal implants which I was told by my surgeon is very rare. They very rarely take out the implants once you once all of that metal stuff has been put in. They take it out, and as a funny I'm literally just remembering this now. I, uh when I was waiting for surgery, I was like, on the bed. I remember why I was taken to the bed first. To be honest, it was done differently the second time round than the first time. But, uh, one of the surgeons was talking to me and he had at the most recent x ray of my foot up and he asked me, Do I drink a lot of milk now? I cut out dairy when I was 16 and this whole situation happened. I'm now in tow, being 22 So I haven't had any dairy products for What is that for 56 years. And I've been I've been vegan at this point for about six months. So he asked me, Do you drink a lot of milk? And I say no. Why he goes, Oh, cause your your bones are very strong, and I remember taking that as a bit of a win. Like, Oh, sir, I'm gonna remember that until it to every person who questions veganism. Anyway, So this whole first year of my life is based around appointments and the physical stuff, and equally is a point. As important is the mental work. I was very lucky that I connected with a counselor. Well, that's not even fair. She's like a super high certified person and I don't know, Um, she's a psycho. Ecologists what? Whatever, Whatever the highest one is, that's her. And I was seeing her pretty regularly, and I was being asked these questions that I couldn't understand. And again. Now, in hindsight, I recognize she was asking me about the symptoms of PTSD. But what gets really, really tricky is if you have brain damage and then you're being asked questions that you don't quite understand. Like I was not giving the answers that were true and not on purpose. I wasn't trying to lie. I just I didn't I couldn't put together all of the information now gratefully. She's really good at her job and very, very well qualified and totally knew this. But this is sort of my little moment of I know that recovery can be expensive. It is expensive and I know that when we're looking at getting help, finances are a doctor and I also know I am so privileged that my family were able to support me through this. But I will also say that because we invested in someone and I mean we went into, like, I took on debt because of that, but because we invested in someone qualified to be talking to talking to me right like it's not just them qualified for them, it's You need to find someone who's qualified to work with you. Our case. She was able to help me a lot, and they I did stop seeing her for a little while to see someone else who was a little bit cheaper. But I did not feel the amount of results as I did with her. And so I went back. And the thing about PTSD and PTSD induced anxiety is that that shit will come out of nowhere. You can be doing all of the work you could be feeling your best self have the best day, and all it takes is one thought, one noise. When thing that you see to completely throw you into a spiral and I am still learning about triggers that I didn't know that I had. I'm just well, more we more equipped now to handle that so the attacks don't last as long. But if the time is I'm going through this whole process. I could be in a spiral, not breathing on the floor for, like, hours un console herbal for hours and again. I am so lucky that I was surrounded by so much love because in those moments where you're on the floor, where you feel like you can't breathe, where that the world is crumbling around you and you were fighting to breathe, having a support system that doesn't even need to say anything that just pulls you in clothes and the whole to really, really tight and allows you to live through its processing in your body and then keeps hugging you once it's over. And never once judges you for those moments or thinks that you're crazy or less they had were moving backwards is the biggest grace you can give yourself. And so I really worked hard to find different avenues of product of processing PTSD and anxiety in my body, and that looked like movement that looked like crying, taking breaks even though I'm still not great at that. But taking breaks when I can feel the overwhelm happening, reaching out to friends, using things that make you feel good every moment of your day is an opportunity to show yourself love with your time with the people you spend your time or with brushing your teeth, moisturizing your skin and body eating food, putting things in your body that make you feel good reading content that inspires you. These are all ways that we can consistently give ourselves love and and again, I'm not perfect at it, but But they do spend the time to do that. Now, when I'm covering my body in a central oils, I am saying, I love you and you are perfect and thank you and a central oils were a huge part like smells were a huge part of my recovery. I had a really hard time sleeping for for I mean ever. I still do know sometimes, but at that point in time, there were date out go days without sleeping, and I found at the one of a kind show. Actually, there's a company out of Quebec that makes products out of pine needles. And so I got a little pine bomb in a little pine pillow, and so I would kind of squish them, and then I would just inhale them, which was really, really, really helpful for me. Um, and as I started Thio, learn more about essential oils and find essential oils more readily available to me. I did the same thing. I would keep oil's on me and smother myself in them if I started to feel anxious or alone or like an attack was coming on where I needed a bit of energy. Like all of these things, essential oils were my go to because they were so easy to carry around and knowing that thes episodes thes moment can appear out of nowhere. It wasn't always available to me to get up and move, but it was always available to me to pull smell out of my bag. So that is where that is, really where my love for a central oils really, really, really, really blossomed. And as the years have gone on, there is a whole lawsuit involved with this as well, and it's a story for another day. But when that ended, it sort of then became us hide in my life, where the past couple of years have exclusively been about recovery and surviving and getting through this lawsuit. But now that this lawsuit is done, what did I do? What do we do if my life isn't about just surviving and has the opportunity to be about thriving? What do I do now that I don't need to have appointments all the time? How do I fill my day? How do I work? What am I passionate about? I can't dance. What do I do if I'm not a dancer? And I really appreciated. I'm so grateful that because of this process I got into teaching. This is when I started to teach Pilatus and now I teach yoga and also bar and I met amazing people. I worked out of Physio Clinic and that's through. That is how I really fell in love with working through working with people through something. So whether that's pregnancy, an injury, pre op, post op anxiety, wanting to feel good, moving with a purpose has never felt more important to me. Moving for your health has never felt more important to me. Um, I met my current boyfriend. I hope same boyfriend in the future. And that that was something I never thought would be possible. I didn't think that anyone would want to put up with the attacks that that anyone would understand Thean emotional swings that anyone would I want to take on supporting me, believing in me and loving me, which he does. I don't live at home anymore. I moved out a year ago. I never, ever thought I would be able to do that. I never thought I would be able to not only work but work in a world where I can support myself. I cannot work full time. Um and I did not want to go on government assistance. That is totally me and my own stubbornness. And I often I think what the fork did I make That decision for my life would have been so much easier if I had, but I But I haven't and the further I come away, the further I get from the explosiveness of this experience, the more I really start to understand what my passion is Now what my why is now through all of the things I've I've lived through through the anxiety and the stomach upset the injuries, that nobody could diagnose any of these things and give me something that would tangibly work. I just figured it out myself going through this experience where nobody nobody could have imagined, I would have the life today from death. You know what I mean? Nobody then would ever have predicted that I would be in the place I met now and because nobody can say that to you. Then I had to do it myself. I had to believe in myself. I had to believe that I deserve a big break future. And I am so, so passionate now about making sure that any person who feels like there in the thick of something, whether it be a tangible physical thing, like an injury or an accident or a new experience, or whether it be something that's manifesting more mentally and emotionally, that the moment we're able to be in that stickiness and also look at ourselves with love is the day that the magic happens. I remember the days when people would look at me and be alarmed, and I remember the days when I would show up to Pilates class and people think Holy Fork, this girl is in a cast. Her face is split open, but she's moving. And if she can do that. I can do the thing that I need to D'oh! And I wouldn't be here. I was never a speaker. I had such anxiety. But speaking in front of people and I also felt very ashamed of my story. I felt like I did this to myself, and now I feel like I can say maybe I did. Maybe I did manifest this for myself, but it wasn't for shame or punishment. It was because I was meant for something huge and the huge stuff, the huge less of learning happens when we are in the pits of something. And I know I know there is nothing more annoying than being in a really tough spot and someone saying Thio Oh, there's a silver lining here or oh, there's a purpose for this. I wanted to punch people in the face when they said that to me. Even though I believe that I wasn't it wasn't at a point where I could hear it and implemented. But now I am. And all of this passion has come from this experience and it is truly my greatest desire. Thio, share these stories off the tough shit we have been through so that even one person can hear it and maybe recognized the own ship that they're in, but that the hopes and dreams that they have for themselves, that maybe they don't even know yet our 1000% possible. And I super passionately believe that we are the change makers of our lives. We are the agents of our lives. And yes, I will. Even Western medicine. It worked for me in different ways at different times. But it was really the decision that I wanted to take my health into my hands, my future, into my hands that has led me here. And so sharing that sharing the tools that got me they're sharing, sharing, just knowing that is already such a privilege. And I'm so grateful for for you who's listening for everyone along my way and for this amazing, bright, brilliant, huge future that we get to have together. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for continuing to be here with me. I love you so much. And I feel your love too. And I hope you have the most brilliant beautiful day. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you for holding space for my story. I can't wait to hear yours too If you loved this And there's someone in your life who you know could benefit from hearing about it Please share this episode. I would also love If you loved this episode, Thio like it to subscribe to it to leave five stars so that we can build up this community as much as possible. If you want to follow me on Instagram, I am at Dom Cheshire and Maya podcast has its own instagram as well, which you can get Thio act embodied alchemy it dot pot I can't wait to share all this goodness with you have so much amazing That's coming up But for now I love you and I hope you have a great rest of your day. I love you. Bye. Okay, Okay.

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