Relationship Questions Answered: How to Know If He's the One w/ Tiffany Dawn and James

Do you ever find yourself yearning for dating and faith advice? Are you looking for real talk about relationships and faith from a couple who have navigated both dating and marriage? Or maybe you’re just wanting someone to come alongside you to help answer questions about keeping God at the center of your relationship? Well, you are in the right place. Our guests today, Tiffany Dawn, along with her husband, James are here with us to share their journey and guide us in all things related to dating, relationships, and how to keep God first through it all!

Website: tiffanydawn.net
Book: The Dating Couple's Devotional Journal
Book: Before the Ring
Bible: Catholic Study Bible - Four Gospels
Bible: New King James Version
Bible: New Living Translation
Bible: Chronological Bible
Favorite App: The Bible Project

 00:00 – Intro  
02:00 – Ad Break  
03:29 – Meet Tiffany and James 
05:05 - Tell us about “Before the Ring” and why you wrote it 
09:34 – What are three of the most important qualities to look for in a spouse, and why? 
15:27 – What are the deal breakers? 
18:01 - Does attraction really matter? 
25:30 - What do you think is a common mistake that you see Christians when they're considering marriage? 
30:45 – Being on the same page in your faith. 
38:33 – Tell us about your new couples devotional journal 
41:21 - Keeping God at the center of your relationship.  
45:47 - Idolizing your partner during the “love fog” 
48:07 – Connect with Tiffany and James 
49:21 – Favorite Bible study questions 
54:10 – Outro  

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Transcript

Welcome back to the coffee and Bible Time podcast for those that may be listening for the first time, our podcast is an offshoot from our main platform, YouTube. Our channel is called coffee and Bible time where. Our goal is to help people delight in God's word and thrive in Christian living. We also have a website in storefront with Bible studies, peer journals, courses and more, and I'm so excited to tell you guys about our brand new. In-depth, the Bible Study Academy, which we just launched. So if you're wanting to learn how to study the Bible on your own, I hope you'll join us at coffee and bibletime.com. Well, I mentor Mama and today we're going to be talking about relationship advice that you don't necessarily hear in a church service and how to keep God as your priority while dating and beyond. Do you ever find yourself yearning for dating and faith advice, or are you looking for real talk about relationships and faith from a couple who have navigated both dating and marriage? Or maybe you're just wanting someone to come alongside you to help? Answer questions about keeping God at the center of your relationship. While you are in the right place, our guests today, Tiffany Dawn, along with her husband James, are here to share with us their journey and guide us in all things related to dating, relationships and how to keep God. 1st through it all, but first a word from our sponsor. Hey, mentor Mama here at coffee and Bible time. We recommend you introduce Jesus to your kids as early as possible. That's why we're partnering with the Talking Jesus thou the Talking Jesus. Thou is so cute and made of the softest, snuggliest material. And you guessed it, he talks when you squeeze his hand. He speaks 10 phrases that Jesus said in the Bible from the Lord's Prayer to John 316 and everything in between. It's so important to introduce children to the love and lessons of Jesus in their formative years. I love this product, and so does everyone else. The Talking Jesus doll is loved by families on 4 continents and has hundreds of five-star amazing reviews. Kids are learning Bible verses. And even using the doll to Minister to others. So if you have kids, grandkids, nieces or nephews, this is the perfect birthday, Easter or Christmas. Gift go to jesusdoll.com and use promo code CBT doll to get 10% off your purchase. That's jesusdoll.com promo code CBTDOL to get 10%. Off your purchase. Tiffany Dawn spent four years as a traveling speaker, sharing her struggles with body image at hundreds of events around the US. Fast forward eight years and she's settled down in upstate New York, married to childhood friend and the author of. Or books mostly about relationships and fate. When she's not chasing after her, two girls are crashing at the end of the day next to her husband James. She creates YouTube videos sharing the dating and faith advice she wishes she had growing up. She calls her channel life advice. You don't hear in church. And on Instagram, she writes letters to her past self, sharing the advice she needed in different phases of her life. Please welcome Tiffany and James. 

Thank you so much for having us. We are so excited to be here today. 

Yeah, this is very exciting. Thank you. 

Yeah, his first ever podcast. So this is a highlight a yes. 

Woo Hoo. 

Well, we are so excited to have you guys. Your YouTube channel is definitely a favorite over here at. Coffee and by the. Time so excited to talk to you. 

That is so kind. 

Well, you and James, you make YouTube videos and online courses that share the relationship. Advice that you didn't hear in church when you were growing up, right? So tell us about your newest workbook for couples called before the ring and tell us why. You wrote it. 

So our our new workbook before the ring, it really came because once I got married, I don't know if this was true for you 2, but once I got married, all of a sudden I felt like now I know what I should have been looking. For when I was dating. It's like all of a. Sudden it all makes sense and the things. I used to think were so important. In a boyfriend. I was like, those don't matter as much and there's all this other stuff that matters when I have even now, you know, two sleepless small humans that I'm raising and, you know, doing a life together. And so I wrote this book because I saw so many people, both people I knew and people. I heard from in. YouTube comments and emails that I got. Who just? I felt like they don't know what to look for, so they're settling for these unhealthy relationships because they just don't know what healthy relationship looks like or what the important traits are. So this workbook takes you through 25 questions that are essential to ask before you put a ring on it, or at least before you say I do, they're questions to work through together. That you might not think about asking until after you get married, but you'll wish you had asked them. And so I wanted to share with people what I wish I had known when I was dating. Thankfully, I saw what Mary James. I'm very thankful for that. 

But it made it. 

Would have made me quicker to break up with some past boyfriends. I would have realized a lot faster. It was not right for me. So yeah. That's how that came about. 

And if I could chime in as a non author, this book was entirely written by Tiffany. I did, you know, read it, read it and, you know, provide. Some different comments, yeah, but I think you know, there's so many decisions in our culture that are sort. Of set up to. Be there's all this information and you need to make this really quick decision and it ends up just being like a gut level decision. Like I think for a lot of our younger listeners. Choosing a colleges like that, it's like, well, we'll give you a little bit of information and some brochures and a, you know, a 1/2 a day visit and now make this decision, yeah. And I think it's easy to apply that same framework to who you're gonna marry. 

How much pressure? 

And I think the encouragement of Tiffany's book, it's not just like. One worksheet at the end after each section there's a. Well, let's think about this. So now let's think about this. That's I think it helps encourage just a more thoughtful process and appreciating, you know, this isn't a decision you just need to be like, well, there's just a lot of unknowns, but it's just like one of those big life decisions we're just going to jump. 

Right. 

You know, there can be some thoughtfulness over time that really allows you to make a. A healthier decision for you? 

I know the areas that you'll need to. Grow in so. That you're not totally blindsided when you get married and all of a sudden these issues pop up. You're like, where did that come from? Because that happens when you get married. So this kind of gives you a little bit of an idea of what some of those could be coming up that you're. If we work through together. 

And I and I, and I know this kind of foreshadows what we're talking about, a little bit more. But I think a lot of times in church. And again, this wasn't necessarily taught in church, but I think a lot of us who grew up in church, you know, we were both homeschooled. We sort of had this idea that when you're married, when you finally get to be. It's just it's gonna be kind of simple like these issues will resolve themselves, right? That's just not the. Way life works. 

We argue all the time when they get married. Like no, it doesn't just go away. 

Yeah, it's not some magical thing that happens. 

Right. 

What I really love about this and being the mom of so. Young women I've seen the love fog I. Have seen where you're you're like. Are you? And I love that this. Helps people to kind of. Focus on things that do really matter like because you can get so caught up in this love fog that you know you you just don't even think to consider all of the the different things so. 

Uh huh. Right, I love. 

That that gives couples an opportunity to investigate these things before. Think are three of the most important qualities to look for in a spouse, and why? 

OK, so these are three and my book goes into like 20-5 different things. But these are three of. The top three. 

Of course, your list has 25 things on it, sweetheart. 

Before, before has. 

To be an amazing man. 

Well, 25 character phrase I should say. I used to have this list of what I wanted and a husband and it was like 3 pages front and back down to his height and his hair color. And I even had his name on there at some. Right, none of which, James. Matches up with. But he's so much better for me anyway. But yeah. No, but these are three things that I never would have considered when I was dating. Never would have thought of these #1. How does he cope with stress? So what are his coping skills? Does he have healthy coping skills? I have some friends. To their coping skill is they leave and go to a bar like that's what their husband does. Some of my married friend. That's not a recipe for. A healthy marriage, you know like. If you need to leave and have some time by yourself, that's fine. But you need to have a healthy way to do that. So for James, he goes and plays basketball twice a week at night. And that's like his way to, like, process and alleviate stress and stuff. And so you want to know, like, how do you cope with stress there? Healthy ways, unhealthy ways and ways that could kind of go either way. So like my book has a chart that breaks this down, but anything in excess can you know anything. There are things that can be healthy, but if they're done in excess, they can be become unhealthy or like an addiction in the relationship. So you want to. Know you see this person in stressful situations. What do they do? How do they cope with it? Doesn't have to be perfect, but are they self aware enough to you? Process through those #2 I'd say is do they respect you? Do they listen to you? So is there this element of my voice is heard and it's taken seriously. I had this one boyfriend who I felt like he'd attribute everything. Every concern I had he attributed to PMS. He's like it. Must be that. 

Time of the month. 

For you overtime, that's going to be like, very dehumanizing and just not. That's gonna. Yeah, I wasn't being heard. You need to be heard. You need to feel like your voice is taken seriously and listen to and cared about. If you want to button at all. Feel free to. 

Oh, OK. Well, does that, does that mean I get? To put in the third or. Do you have 1/3? 

OK. 

All right. 

OK. So my third one is selflessness. This is something I also wouldn't have thought of like, is he looking for ways to serve other people to go out of his comfort zone? And out of his way to serve people because that's so important. Just like in our life now, we have a an almost 2 year old who still wakes up every two hours at night. It is exhausting and I don't know if I recommend the two year old but not the sleepless. 

Do not recommend. 

But I I don't know what I would do if I had a husband who didn't want to be an active Co parent with me. I don't know what I would do if he didn't get up in the mornings with them so I could go back to bed for an hour. I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't coming, you know, finishing work at night and say, what can? I do so that you can have a little breather. Like I would go insane. So I I just never knew how important that selflessness aspect would be. So yeah. 

And and I think I. Would say you know when I was, when you, when you ask a young person who loves Jesus. Hey, what are you looking for in a potential spouse? Inevitably, they give you the right answer, which is someone who's a Christian. And I think for me, I always thought well that means means we go to similar churches and we have some similar theological. Beliefs on key issues. You know, if I'm a Calvinist, I don't know if I'd want to marry an Armenian because there's just. There's not some. They're they're not going to jive, but I think what what's actually more important is like. That you try? You know, dating someone for a while and you see how their Christian walk, how they live out your life sort of complements yours and you really you want someone who's sort of, you know, call to ministry and place. They are in their faith are are really. They're complementary. You know, it wouldn't be good if you felt like. Well, I just know so much more about the Bible than my spouse. Or like I I really need to shepherd them along. You know that that sort of. That yeah, that that could really lead to like a hierarchy and feeling like more pharisaical than your spouse or just like, not really acknowledging their gifts and, like, appreciating that, like, so, like, I think and you there's not like a theological questionnaire. That you can both fill out to figure that out, you have to sort. Of, you know, pay attention to how your lives are lived out, to feel like. Wow, you know, not only does this person love Jesus, but also they're calling and gifts are sort of complementary to mine, not how they self express. They're calling and gifts, but more like how it's actually played out, because especially when you're a male under 25. You know, talk is cheap, you know, not only might you be trying to give a good impression, you just might not even be self aware enough to accurately say what you actually think. 

That's good and we'll get into more of that, I think later in the interview about, like, how to know if you share that common faith and like, what to look for, yeah. 

Yeah, I think equally being equally yoked is just. You're you're just at an advantage of not coming into a lot of other hurdles, maybe that you might have to, would you say any of these are like deal Breakers? 

The ones that I was mentioning about, I feel like they definitely are. Yeah, I mean. Anytime you go into marriage, you're 2 broken people coming together. There are going to be issues and it helps to be kind of aware of what some of those issues might be. But you're not going to be totally aware. So my workbook tries to give you a glimpse and to get a little bit of awareness, but you're not going to totally know until you're there. I remember our first year of marriage. I was like, man, I thought it worked through all these old insecurities and jealousy, and now they're just, like, popping right back up. Like, where did this come? From and it's just getting into that new season. Kind of magnified them and brought them to light in a new way so you don't know there's going to be hurdles cause you're both broken people, but. You want to have be with someone who you can who they respect you, who they're self. They're going to take care of themselves in a healthy way. There's that willingness to grow and to learn together and to hear that feedback, and I feel like those things are kind of that foundation of we can make this work like there's going to be brokenness. There's going to be things we face, but like we have the tools we need to make it work. So that's where like the coping skills, the selflessness, the listening, willing to grow those things come into play. They're those tools that you really need to have to build a healthy relationship. 

Yeah, I mean I I think what you're sort of looking for is almost alignment like if you feel like, hey, the person I'm dating is perfectly aligned with me in every way, you're probably not having a totally candid relationship because like Tiffany was saying, the brokenness isn't coming out. You're still sort of, you know, in that stage where you're just kind of putting your best foot forth. Forward and it's not the real you, but similarly if you're with someone and you're like, oh, man, when it's bad, it's so bad, then they're so far misaligned that that that probably is a deal breaker. But if you can. Hey, you know, there were times when, you know, she was really selfish. But you know what? 

We talked. 

We talked about it and we understood why that happened and we're sort of jointly committed to. Supporting each other and working through this, that's I think a healthy thing. Yeah, agreed absolute. 

Well, one of the things you didn't mention was attraction. So sometimes it's Christians, we feel like attraction shouldn't matter in a relationship as God looks. 

Right. 

At the heart. Alice, what do you guys think about that specifically? 

So I'll, I'll share a little bit of what I thought. Traction was all about and I, my short answer would be yes, it absolutely matters, but also in at least the longer answer. So when I was single, I thought like the thing that mattered the most was how I looked. I thought that's what guys are going to be drawn to. And so I have to. This I gotta wear this size clothing and this type of body and have my hair done this way and my makeup. I remember in college I would go to the gym in pink sweat pants with my hair, freshly blow dried and straightened, and my makeup on, and I would work out that way because who knows you would meet at. The gym. And it's funny because being with James, I've realized how much of attraction comes down to. Not saying that you're an energetic, outgoing person, but like your persona, your energy as a person is where attraction comes from. And so I remember like our first year of dating, there were times when I would just be so focused on what I looked like, and if I was coming across in this charming way. And those were the times when I was, I would say probably least attractive to you. Not that you weren't attracted to me, but that I lost the energy that was me. I just kind of masked it up and you're like, where did? My wife go like what's? Happening here and I just have come to realize how much of attraction is about the energy of a person. Again, not that you have to be energetic. Route going or extroverted, but that who you are and finding the things that make you light up and being true to yourself, like that's what someone's going to be attracted to you. And if you're if somebody just wants a person who is fits a certain mold. Pass on them. That is not the kind of person that you want to be with through your whole life. 

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think, you know, I've had, you know, going I didn't go to a Christian college. And you know, I'm still friends with a lot of my, you know, friends who weren't churched or Christian growing up and, you know, so it's it's very common and sort of non church. Culture to be at a bar or party and see someone that you think, hey, that person is cute. I'm going to go talk to them. And so that's kind of. Not everyone meets someone that way, but that's common enough that I think in our Christian circles we think. That is not a great way to start as you thought someone was hot and I think we would. 

Yeah, yeah. 

That's true that, I mean everyone admits there's a lot more to a relationship than that, but I think it is important to think as like Tiffany said, as you get to know a person, there should be an attraction. Does that attraction. Being this is the hottest person I've ever dated. It it doesn't necessarily mean that. Yeah, you know, I've had one of one of my one guy in my friend group. The other guy say, yeah, his girlfriend in college was so so hot, but she was crazy. And so we think his wife now is less hot, but way better because she's not crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. 

Oh my goodness. 

It's still, yeah. And and I think it's like realizing that attraction comes in layers, kind of like an onion. So there's the surface side that you see, but then as you dive deeper, the attraction either becomes less because of who the person is or greater because of who the person is. And as you get to know somebody, even if you're not dating them, it could be that someone you've been friends with for a long time. You didn't think twice about it. First suddenly becomes very attractive to you because you've seen those deeper layers of who they are. And so yeah, so I think just there was this phase in my life when it was like, like I said on my list, he's got to be 6 foot 3 inches tall, dark hair plays, guitar leads worship. And I remember like going to these young adults group and there were 300 people at it, probably 100 of them were single guys. I came home and told my roommate, like there were no single guys there. I'm not going to go back. I was blinded like literally so these guys who didn't fit the mold that I thought they should. And when when attraction starts to look like that that is unhealthy, it should not be boxed into a certain mold. 

Yeah, because you're you're conflating. You're mixing up attraction like what you personally are attracted to with physical attributes of a person, which is a lot more often informed by the culture that you're in, IE your friend group and your own. Perception that it is yourself. Umm yeah. 

And so that's like that's not healthy way, but do you want to be physically attracted to the person you? End up with. It's just that it doesn't have to look this very narrow way to find that attraction and you want to be attracted to their humor and who they are as a person because you're going to spend a lot of time together. You were saying recently. So you realize like marriage is a lot more about companionship. 

Yeah, yeah. I think a lot of people think. Well, relationships are based on physical attraction. So on some level, marriage is based on this sort of physical attraction. And while that is a component you know at the end of the day, you know, if you look at the graph of like who you spend time with as a person, it's like your family, your family, your family, till you're 18 and then you know, you have a lot of friends. In your 20s and 30s, but most people like. If you look at their whole life through their 40s and 50s and 60s and 70s, it's their spouse. That's the person they're, you know, building this life. And So what you really are asking yourself is, am I attracted to spending time a lot of time with this person and going through the ups and downs of? Life with them? Yeah, that's last time. 

I I shudder to think how I was, you know, at that age when I look back, because I remember at that time in my life, I just wanted someone like my dad, you know, he. Was like. 4A Big guy, they called him the gentle giant. That's in my mind. Like, that's what I wanted. And I remember my my husband today when we were in college. 

Uh huh. 

I remember he kept pursuing me and I was like, no, no. And I remember my roommate finally said Ellen, just give him a chance. He's a nice guy and you know, I had this, my husband's tall. But at that time, he was like, Super, super skinny. 

Uh huh. 

I'm like, I don't want to be with someone who's skinnier than I am, like I isn't that so shallow? It's just ridiculous. When I look back on it now. After I got to know him, it was exactly what you described, like the layers of the onion. And where I saw this incredible being person, this person that. You know, grew up in a faith filled home and just. Had so many more qualities than. You can ever imagine just by looking at someone on the outside. Funny thing now is he. Actually, he like, grew later in life and so now he's like. 

Got it. All right there. Yeah, it's awesome. 

I know. I love it. 

Well, what do you think is a common mistake that you see Christian couples make when they're considering marriage? So they they're getting to this point of marriage. 

I think I would say. How am I going to say this? Relying too much on this idea of it's just me and God figuring this out and kind of shutting out that outside feedback, it's almost like I grew up in this culture where it's like you should kind of pray about it and if you feel like this could be your husband, then date him. So I remember like my first boyfriend. We talked about marriage. Before we were officially. My girlfriend. Oh my goodness. I wish I could go back and tell myself stop. You are setting yourself up for heartbreak. That is not healthy and to tell myself like you can't. If you want to spend your life with someone until you really know them. So you have to date them to figure that out, and I'm going. To take a lot of. 

How long would you say how long process? 

Pressure off them. What's that? For dating. 

Would you say? 

Oh, I think it. So depends on the person and their stage in life. So their age, where they are in life, how independent they are. The younger you are, the longer I would say. But I mean, yeah, I think that's why we need community. My pastor and his wife actually encouraged me to do a check in point. So and this was when I was 24 and I was in grad school, and they said take six months of just getting to know him through dating. This was not James. This was somebody else. And then talk about more like. So just our relationship have a future or not and during that time you're not just dating one-on-one. You're having people that you trust get to know you. So I we spent a lot of time with my pastor and his wife. They were men, mentors and with our group of friends, is that when the time came to check in, I really knew him and I wasn't getting. Like I think if. You go into it like this is the person I'm going to marry. Then you start rationalizing all the bad behavior or the red flags and you can't really see it clearly. But going just getting to know him, it was like, OK, I can see clearly. Here's our strengths. And we had a healthy relationship. And here's the downsides. And here's where it doesn't feel right. And here's what the people I trust think. And then I could get that feedback and decide, you know what, I don't think this is right. And I think we both came out of that relationship better people. And it was a very healing relationship for me to see, like what a healthy relationship could look like. But we realized too, like this isn't right for us. And so I I think a check in point is a great idea, but I think the length of time really depends on the person and would need like someone wise in your life kind. Of speaking into that. But yeah, I think like that whole idea of. Me and God can figure this out. We have this idea a lot and like American Christian Westernized Christianity, it's like me and God like John Wayne, you know, like we can get. We can do this and. It's so like. We need community like that is 1. Of the core. Components of what the Bible talks about is you need to be in community that you need that wisdom. And so letting people get to know you and not just taking a gut feeling on face level. Let me tell you, I thought for sure I would know when I met the guy I was going to marry. And I. I did three different times, three different guys and none of them were changed. 

And I'm so. 

Glad I married him instead of those guys. So you just you you might have a feeling and it could be right, but it also could be wrong. Our emotions can mimic God's voice very, very deceptively. 

So yeah, and to just amplify one thing you said, I think that if you. Subconsciously see marriage as the finish line like you've been. 

OK. 

We're dating. We're thinking. Gee, you know, this could this could be great. This could. You know, if you see marriage as the finish line, like, wow, this is the pinnacle of the Christian youth experience. You know, I save sex for marriage. I was a good kid, you know, I finally met the one. Now we're gonna we're going to make it to the finish line. 

My whole life has been going to this wedding dance, yeah. 

Going to get married. You know, it really allows you. To speed past. Other issues? You know that might be between you, but it can also allow you to totally ignore, you know, maybe what God is calling you to do your goals, be like, I'll drop out of school. Yeah, I'll move across the country. You're just like, yeah, whatever. You know those. 

Not that that's never right, but it's that's something. To use, yeah. 

Those are, yeah, it can be done too easily because you're like, this is the finish line we've arrived. This is my, like, crowning life goal. I'm gonna get. 

Married, as if life stops after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good. 

Yeah, that's such a great point. You're making me think I need to have a little talk with Taylor. 

I love that your daughters name is Taylor, by the way. I love both their names, but our oldest daughter, her middle name is Taylor, so I have a partial, like, fondness by. Name yeah, yeah. 

That's a beautiful name. 

Well, most of us have heard the advice from 2nd Corinthians 6 that Christian should marry other Christians. As you mentioned earlier, let's go into that just a little bit deeper to say how do you know if this other person are on the same page with your faith? 

Yeah, I know. I remember. I grew up in a. So we grew up very differently. He kind of foreshadowed this with the different denominations, but. 

Although interestingly, we went to the. Same church that we were. 

Like, yeah. So we knew each other. 

Church lot of prophecy. 

And then his family left him. Yeah. So I grew up. And that's where I was like till I was in college. I very, very charismatic church. You know, everyone's like raising their hands. They're up at the altar. They're rocking back and forth and prayer. And I remember saying to my mom, like I I I don't remember what I said, but it was something along the lines of like. I want a guy who raises his hands in church and she was like and all her was and she's like Tiffany, don't assume you know a person's faith because of their the way they worship. She's like he could be raising his hands and thinking about what to have for dinner. Like, it doesn't mean anything. It's just kind of like it is what it is you can observe. It but it doesn't tell you about their. Faith and I just had never thought of it that way. And my mom said don't expect his faith to look exactly like yours. Like, yeah, you want to be on the same page, but like that doesn't mean he's going to express his faith in the same way. And I've realized since then a lot of our faith ties into our personality, just like you wouldn't expect me to interact with. Somebody the same way James would cause I'm an introvert and he's an extrovert. Why would we expect every person's faith with God to look exactly the same in the way they express it? Like, we're all different people. And so I I think that was really important for me to hear because I would have written off a lot of. Size based on that. So with James and I, we start dating and like. Are you a hand treser? I just need to raise your. Hand a few times maybe. 

Yeah, I would say not, not really of the. Hand raising variety. 

Though, but I just saw the way his faith was lived out in his life. Like this guy like. And here's the other thing I was always looking for guys on this stage. Like I thought that that would tell me. Something about their life. It does not let me just say. It does not tell. You anything about their life experience? 

Well, no, no, I I don't know that it doesn't tell anything that you've you have encountered. And I think most people have encountered hypocrisy in church. 

A lot of hypocrisy. 

I mean on some level, we all struggle with this, but especially folks who you know are leading worship are leading at church and and have some sort of secret sin that all of a sudden comes out. And so just because someone is a great leader in a public worship setting doesn't mean they're going to be an amazing life partner for you. 

Right. And current, is that correct? 

I mean, there's just two. 

Different things. And I thought they were kind of the same thing. So with James, like, he's had no desire for the limelight. He had no need for that, but he was like living out his face like pouring into these younger guys who, like, needed an older brother or a father figure like mentoring these kids and just constantly going out of his way to help people. And I'm like, yeah, he doesn't express his faith like I. Do but he. Lives his faith in a way that, like this, is the kind of person I want to spend my life with. And so we did come from those different backgrounds and we had to talk through the things that were really important to us personally. 

Yeah, but I also think that what I realized is that talking through those different theological issues, you know, the kind of things that we would talk about like on a theology blog, you know, kinds of worship, you know, eschatology. 

We didn't talk through. 

All of these. 

But maybe those those things are. You know, they're fine to talk about, but a lot of times you can. And find there's there's going to be differences and they just might not actually matter that much. I think what you really have to compare when you're considering equally yoked, I mean, you sort of go back to the analogy equally yoked is we have these two oxen who are pulling together in the same direction. And So what you really have to. Look at is. What does this person's lived faith look like over the period of three months or six months or two years that I've known them? And could I? How how well do we walk alongside together because. You know, theological differences, they really can coexist peacefully in a home. 

Yeah, we are living proof of that. 

They really can. But if someone is like, oh, yeah, I love God. And I love this and I believe this, and I believe that, but they don't have a lived faith that you can see. You know, you really have to wonder yet? I mean, we're not saying, hey, this person isn't a Christian, but we are saying, you know, if you're live, faith looks really different from their lived faith. That's not. You're not being equally yoked. 

And I think part of it too is. Kind of like we were talking about we have, we have some differences in how we understand different parts of. 

The Bible and which are changing like not meaning that I'm converting her. 

We're always. 

She's converting me. But like, you're just your faith is fluid, yeah. 

We're growing as people and living things grow and change, and so you'll believe some different things in 10 years than you do right now. That's just the nature of it. And so you want to know, is this somebody I could build a life with? Because even if we believe all the same things right now, we're not going to in 10 years, that doesn't mean our entire faith is going to be different. In 10 years, but. They're going to be different things that we think differently about as we grow and learn. And so can we. To have that peaceful coexisting of some, like different ideas about different understandings of parts of the Bible, you know, like. And so you want to look for that. Some degree of this is a very buzzword. Maybe this is the wrong word to use for this, but some degree of tolerance for each other's different perspectives where you can respect and understanding you're not like, oh, you are no longer a Christian because you don't believe women should wear head coverings. You know, like whatever it is. That's an example, not people. Not many people are working through, but you know you want to be able to say we are both seeking God. We both want to know and love God, and so you want to see that you guys can grow together, that it doesn't have to be matching. It just has to be coordinating. I think it beliefs is coordinating outfits for photo shoot instead of matching outfits. And so it's like you work, it works together, but it doesn't have to be exactly the same. Does that make? Sense, yeah, I think. 

So OK. 

It really does. I love. I love how you just describe that cause I often think about that with my husband and myself like our. We don't necessarily believe exactly the same things, but both have like a desire to know God more like we love being in small group together where we talk about the sermon and we're all learning from each other and and hopefully like you said, living. Out your faith and not just taking in information over and over, but. 

That's something that. 

You can do together as a couple to continue to grow. 

And it really does help you grow and you have different perspectives. I feel like it's been so good for us because it's like, oh, I never would have thought of it that way. And even if I don't agree, it's. Like it just is kind of like, wow, OK, this is Richard. Texture to my face now. So I think it's a really powerful thing. 

And it I. Think you'll be amazed too, just at how many light bulb moments my husband and I, we used to listen to RC Sproul as often as we could in his sermons were just so incredible, like we would just both be learning so many different things and. It's fun to do that together so. 

That's so cool. Yeah. 

Well, let's. I want to just switch gears a tiny bit and be able to talk about your brand, brand new book eating couples devotional journal. 

For brand new books. 

So tell. Us about this one. 

I'm so excited about this one, I. Think it can be kind. Of a lot of people. Well, kind of awkward about how do I bring up my faith. How do I start these conversations and see where we are if we're on the same page with faith and this is a really practical way to do that, it has little devotions that you read. It's just once a week, so it's not super time consuming. You read this devotion based on a scripture verse together and then. There's these questions and there I tried to make them not cookie cutter questions, but more like you gotta think about this you got. Dig deep and learn about each other and how your past ties into your faith and all this stuff. And then there's a practical AP prayer you write together, and a practical thing you do to put that week's lesson into practice, like living out your faith in a in. A small way. So it just kind of gives you a glimpse behind the scenes of like, who is this person and gets these conversations started? To kind of figure out if you're on the same page and give you the opportunity. To see and really I think growing together as a couple is. There's all different ways you grow and spiritually is one of those ways and a lot of people are like, how do I do that in dating? Because I'm not married and this. This is kind of a. Guided approach I guess so I'm really. Excited about it? Yeah. 

It's so creative. I love. Like, I feel like couples could even do this, like as part of. Set aside date because some of your tips are so cute, like this one about making a charcuterie board together, and as you eat the food that nourishes your body reads all one together and talk about different streams where God provides nourishment for your soul. 

Yes, yes. 

So it almost could be like. You know a date like. 

It could totally be a date. A lot of them are like that. 

So, so cute. Well, I know that this is just going to. It help you know people, those couples that are still learning about each other and and you've got 52 weeks right. I mean. 

The whole year, yeah. 

Time to really. Take the time to get to know this other person and a lot lot deeper way. 

Yes, yeah, and it could totally be continued in engagement and marriage too. It's themes that dating couples face. So it's not like you're not having to go into it. It's marriage themes, but it can still be drawn into other seasons of your relationship, too. 

Well, what does it mean? To keep God at the center of your relationship, whether you're dating. Or married. Maybe you guys could each share your own view on that. 

We were just talking about this last night. Do you want to go first? I'm always going first. 

No, I think I I there's nothing wrong with that. I yeah. I I I think that we're kind of on the same page because we we talked about it last night that it's really to have God centered in a relationship. You have to have God's personally centered, and I think you need to have your own rhythm for focusing on God and spending time with God. And being encouraged through scripture like I don't know about you, but when I wake up every morning, I sort of my default is the world revolves around me and like, what's why isn't this working out? So I mean, I part of me spending time with God in the morning is sort of refocus. Missing that it's not just all about me, it's about, you know, I am one of God's children and that's where my identity is. And it it really is not all about me because I think until I can be at that mindset, I'm going to be a very demanding life partner. So I mean, yeah. I I think that that that sort of that personal centering is is really key. 

And finding what works for each of you. So I think sometimes we make this too complicated. It's almost like, well, you probably have to, like, do a certain devotional together and don't get me wrong, that's awesome. But that doesn't. Mean God is center. It is a great tool to use, but sometimes it's like we have to like, pray together at a certain time or do like family Bible study every night, all these things. Are great ideas but. They're just tools that you can use if they work for you guys and and really the key is you both have a life centered around God and then naturally your marriage is also going to be because it comes down to like what are your priorities, how do you make decisions? Where do you spend your money, where do you spend your time? Like, how do you? You know, respond to issues and it all comes down to like, what? Who's at the center of your heart and then that will naturally be at the center of. Your marriage as well. 

Yeah, yeah. 

At least that's been our experience. 

I mean, a rhythm that we have that again works for us is we try to go to bed at about the same time every night and we talk and usually pray just briefly together. And I I felt like that's been a really positive way for us to connect with each other and with God as well. 

Before we had kids, we'd also go on dates to coffee shops because we're also coffee lovers and we'd spend some time sitting across from each other in silence, just doing our own journaling and reading. And then we talked about what we were learning and that was like a weekly rhythm. We are not in that rhythm right now. Maybe when we sleep again. We will be but it's. You know, different seasons of life are different rhythms, but I think that hearing what he's learning is really, I love that being able to learn from each other and just like grow together in that way. I think that's really exciting. 

You know something that I had learned years ago and right? Ironically, I heard it this morning on Moody radio from Anne Graham Lutz where? If you take a look at the a triangle and if God is at the top and you and your spouse are on either the other angles of the triangle. As you each are growing closer to God, you're growing closer to each other. 

Oh, that's cool. I like that. 

And I've always, I've always loved that. And I think that's one good thing to think about. Like, if you see maybe your spouse is struggling or, you know, maybe. You know, letting go a little bit of their curiosity and their faith, like encouraging them and reminding them so that you can continue to both grow closer to God and closer to each other. 

And I like that triangles can take different shapes. It's not always the same. Lengths for each side, like sometimes one side is closer than the other, and it's still a triangle. That's like it's cool because it's a flexible shape, so I like that too, yeah. 

Well, as we start to wrap things up here. Yeah, let's just talk about, you know, did you ever wonder, Tiffany, if you were idolizing James during that exciting period of dating, and how can we help? Our listeners know if they're they're keeping, you know, God is their priority even when they're in that crazy love fog. 

I love that. The love fog you describe it. It's so accurate. I remember going on a walk shortly after James and I started dating. You've been together maybe like. Weeks and I was trying to pray. I love walking while I pray. It just helps me focus and I was trying to pray and trying pray and I just could not focus. And finally, I was like, God, I am so sorry. I'm a horrible Christian. I'm trying to pray and all I can think about is this guy, and I really felt like what God put in my heart was just share it with me. And I was like, oh, OK, so I started feeling like, well, you already know all of this because you saw it. But like we had. A great date last night and he said this. And that God just, I'm so excited about. This relationship, and I just felt like. This joy like God wanted me to share it with him, and I think sometimes you've been conditioned to think that enjoying something means we're idolizing it. But I've realized, especially as a parent, how much joy is a good thing, how much I want that in my kids. I want to see them enjoying things and I think the key is, are you enjoying it with God or are you? Do you have to be apart from God to enjoy it? Is this something where you have to hide from God and from people you trust and who love you? In order to enjoy it, or can you share it with them? And if you can share the enjoyment with God? I think that's a good sign that it's OK. You're in a good place. You even see, like Song of Solomon. Like how they just can't wait to be with each other and they long to hear their loved one's voice. But if you have to hide, I know there's been a relationship. I was in where I felt like I had to kind of back away from God and back away from people I loved in order to be enjoying the relationship. That's a sign that it's either unhealthy or you're idolizing it. There's something out of whack there, so I think just look at how you enjoy it and if you can enjoy it with God, then enjoy the fact that you're enjoying it. Yeah, that's what I would say. 

Well, Tiffany and James, how can people learn more about you and your ministry and your books? 

Yeah. So Tiffany dawn.net has links to my YouTube, my Instagram, my books, my courses, all of that. We've got stuff for the wedding night talks for before you get married. We've got books about singleness like, new course about singleness called updating singles guide. There's a whole bunch of stuff that you can find on there, and yeah, I'm really excited. About it all. 

Yeah, you're. I feel like you're just like, such an expert in that field like. 

You know. 

I mean, it's such a great niche and it's just so helpful for young people as they're going through these times. You can just your emotions are all over the place. You want to make like decisions, and there's so much at stake, you know. 

Yeah, right. 

Yeah, you got to like round yourself somehow. And I hope that my resources can be like a tool. Kind of OK. 

Let's look at. 

This, from a practical perspective too, yeah. 

Yeah, absolutely. OK. Well, we will put all the links to your information in our show notes before we go. 

Oh, thank you. 

I want to ask you some of our favorite Bible study to. A question. About the first one is what Bibles do you guys use and what translations? 

You should start this one. I love your answer. 

Ohh, OK. I mean I'm I grew up new King James used the ESB a lot. Super familiar with both of them. An interesting curveball recently though, a co-worker who's a Roman Catholic gave me a Roman Catholic study Bible. That's just the four Gospels, so it's the four Gospels with commentary. And you know from different either Catholic Saints or Catholic. Authors and it's been really good, you know, and I I grew up in a like a very conservative Presbyterian Church where, you know, from time to time we would talk about the theological issues of the Catholic Church. And I sort of came away with this idea that, Gee, maybe there aren't that many Catholics who actually believe in Jesus because of worshipping. Mary and you know, just a lot of, you know, preconceptions about that. But now that I've read this Catholic, these, this commentary, and the translation, the translation is just different enough to think. Ohh, I've never thought of that miracle story that way or I've never thought about, you know, the words of Jesus in that way and it just like. It makes it pop in a way that it hadn't before, and probably it would have had a similar experience if I read a different translation that I wasn't familiar with. But I uh. Yeah, shout out to a different translation and I've really enjoyed that. 

Yeah, some things I really like to do because I like to. Switch things up I my. Favorite current translation is the new living translation. Again, it just comes alive in a new way. It's a different read and I also have enjoyed in the past reading the Bible chronologically. So there's these chronological Bibles, and I'm sure you guys have done this a bunch of. Times, but it's just. Like, oh, that's what was. Happening to David when he wrote this Psalm. It's like, so cool to. See that context? So those are some of my favorite ways to approach it differently. 

Great suggestion, so love that. Well, do you have any favorite journaling supplies or anything that you like to use to enhance your Bible study experience? 

So we were talking yesterday. We're both kind of playing James with journaling in a sense. But for me, like journaling, has been a huge part, not so much in recent years. Again, when I sleep again, I'll have time, but in the past, a journaling has been a big part of my faith walk, and I have probably at least 55 zero full journals from my life, and so one of the things that I started again. Before I had kids was taping them all into my computer because when I write or do YouTube videos, I like to pull from stuff in the past and so. Then I could just do. A quick search and for keywords and it'll pop up with like old journal entries and so that's been a really cool. It's a very. Time consuming process, but for the journals I've done that with, it's been very helpful and cool to like, read back on it. I love reading back on journals as I type it in. It's like, really encouraging so. 

Yeah, but I love that idea of putting them on either. I never would have thought of that. But that is great. Is I feel like we do have like every day like we have some new revelation or something from God that we're really excited about. 

And then you can just like search for even a Bible verse, you know like search and then it will pop up with every time you've journaled about that. If you like, put. It in your journal. So yeah, it's. 

OK, last one, what is your favorite? App or website for Bible study tools. 

Hands down the Bible project. I love their videos again to get that historical context, I think like it's easy to miss that and it just it gives the Bible such a deeper and richer meaning. If you get kind of what was happening culturally historically, like all that context. So I love their videos. The Bible project, yeah. 

They're great. About for you, James. 

You know, I don't, I don't necessarily lean on websites or apps as much. I do like, especially when I'm traveling. I've noticed there are as many bibles and hotels anymore, which is bad, but I have the CSV on my phone and a lot of times I'll try to to scroll through, you know, whatever I decide to read and just pick like a verse or a phrase. That's kind of my. Meditation for that day and I try to repeat it enough in the morning so that I can say like at like a coffee break or at lunch. Alright, what was it that I'm thinking about today? And I think that that's just been, I wouldn't say it's memorization, but it's more like recalling to mind like the thought that like God gives me when I read that, that that particular phrase or that idea. So I really enjoy that. 

That's cool. That's cool. 

Thank you so much you guys for just being here today to share your advice and your resources. 

Thank you. 

I know that dating relationships are of course exciting, but they can be filled with so many questions and things that people are unsure about. So the work that you're doing is just tremendous help. So I thank you for this real conversation. 

Thank you for having us. We were so excited to do it and to get to meet you. 

Thank you. 

So thank you. 

And for our listeners, pick up a copy of Tiffany's new book, the Dating couples devotional, and also check out her other book before the ring. You will be able to find the links to both of those in our show notes. Lastly, head over to the coffee and Bible. Website For our prayer journals that will help guide and document your prayer life at coffee and bibletime.com. Thank you so much for joining us on our podcast today. We love you all. Have a blessed day.