Love That Stands the Test of Time: Developing Relationships That Endure w/ Dr. Gary Chapman

Relationships are so important (and tough to maintain)! How can we love others and how to make it last for the long haul in our marriages, families, friends, and yes, even among enemies? Our guest today, Dr. Gary Chapman is here with us to talk about how the complexities of life affect our relationships, so choosing to love, and not merely relying on the feelings of love, is so important to maintaining strong, lasting relationships. 

Book: Love is a Choice
Book: The Five Love Languages
Take the Love Language Quiz!
Bible: Ryrie Study Bible

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Transcript

Mentor Mama

Hi, I'm Mentor Mama.

Taylor

And I'm Taylor.

Mentor Mama

And today we are going to be talking about love and how to make it last for the long haul, not only in our marriages but in families, among friends and yes, even among our enemies. Our guest today, Doctor Gary Chapman, is here with us to talk about how the complexities of life have an effect on our relationships. So making the choice to love and not merely relying on the feelings of love is so important to maintaining strong lasting relationships. 

Doctor Gary Chapman, author, Speaker and Counselor, has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationship. He is the best selling author of the Five Love Languages series and newly released book, Love is a Choice. He's also the director of marriage and Family Life Consultants. Gary travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations. Please welcome Doctor Gary Chapman.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Well, thank you, Ellen. It's great to be with you today.

Mentor Mama

Oh, thank you so much. I'm so excited to have you on the program because my first introduction to your writing actually was, of course, through the “Five Love Languages,” and it certainly has had such a great impact on myself, and my family. So, thank you for that. I want to start out with the definition of love, if you would, because love is used in so many ways in our society. Now, what is your definition of love and why do you say it is something that we choose?

Dr. Gary Chapman

You know, I think I think that love is probably the most misunderstood word in our culture. We use it in 1000 ways. We say I love hot dogs. I love BBQ, I love the mountains, I love the beach, I love my car, I love my dog. And then we say to a special someone. I love you. So what's that supposed to mean?

Mentor Mama

Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Gary Chapman

I do think that the common perception of love, particularly when we're thinking about romantic love, is that love is a feeling. I called it the tingles. The emotional tingles for somebody. You can just get obsessed with them emotionally. Something about the way they look, the way they talk. Just you know it just pulls you toward each other and you don't have to work at that kind of low. I mean it just happens and you never know what day it's going to happen or with whom it's going to happen. But that's not the kind of love that the Bible describes. Now that love is in the Bible, and you'll find it in the Song of Solomon, that kind of love. And I'm not downplaying falling in love, that's a wonderful experience. But that kind of love only lasts 2 years. The average lifespan of the in-love experience is 2 years. And the kind of love in the Bible, really doesn't start with the feeling it affects feelings, but it starts with an attitude, so love is an attitude. A way of thinking and then a way of behaving. So that love if I were going to put him in a sentence, I would say that love is the attitude that approaches life. With every day, how can I enrich the lives of the people that I encounter today? It's a way of thinking, and if you have that attitude, then you're going to find ways that you can express love to the people that you encounter every. Now the whole love language thing. If you speak love to the person in a way that's meaningful to them. It does affect emotions, and it does meet that deep emotional need. I'm not downplaying emotions. We're emotional creatures. And one of our deepest emotional needs is the need to feel loved by the significant people in our lives. If you're married, the person you would most like to feel loved by is your spouse. You know, children want to feel loved by their parents. So when we learn, that's where the love language concept comes in. But love is an attitude is basically the definition. So a way of thinking and behaving that enriches the lives of other people.

Mentor Mama

Yeah, that is very I think different as you mentioned, just from how our culture uses that. But just having that definition though, I think helps us sort of refocus on what's most important. Well, I know there's probably not many that aren't familiar with the Five Love Languages? What are the five love languages, but just in case, I think it's a good thing to maybe just step back since this whole book kind of revolves around the five love languages. Help us understand what are the five love languages and how can we determine what.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, there it's basically five ways to express love that are, I think universal. One is words of affirmation. You're just looking for things about the person that you can affirm them for. You know, you look nice in that outfit. I appreciate what you did. You know, one of the things I like about you. It’s just looking for things you can affirm. You know Proverbs Chapter 18 and verse 21 says life and death is in the power of the tongue. We can kill people by the way we talk to them and we can give them life by the way we talk to them. You know, I did have a lady say to me some time ago, she said. Gary, I know it would be good if I could give my husband some positive words, she said, but to be honest with you, I can't think of anything good to say about the man! I said, well, does he ever take a shower? She said, yes. I said, well, how often? She said, everyday. I said if I were you, I'd start there. I've never met a man or a woman that you couldn't find something good to say about him. So verbal words of affirmation. Then acts of service. Doing something for the other person, you know they would like for you to do in a marriage that such things as cooking meals, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, walking the dog, washing the car, mowing the grass, changing the baby's diaper, anything you know that you know they would like for you to do. There's an old saying, actions speak louder than words. If this is their love language, actions will speak louder than words.

Mentor Mama

So true.

Dr. Gary Chapman

And then there's gifts. It's universal to give gifts as an expression of love. The gift says they were thinking about me. Look what they got from me. And the gift doesn't have to be expensive. We've always said it's the thought that counts, but I'd like to remind couples and individuals that it's not the thought in your head that counts. It's the gift that came out of the thought in your head, OK?  I used to say the husbands you can get free flowers in the spring and summer. Just go in the backyard and pick one like the kids. Do you know? Yeah. Or you can pick up a stone in the city parking lot and give it to an 8-year-old boy and say, hey man, I found this today. And I thought about you look at the colors in this thing, man, I want you to have it. If your gifts is his love language, you will find that stone in his dresser drawer when he's 23, and he'll remember.

Dr. Gary Chapman

So gifts is a powerful way for some people. This is their language. And then there's quality time. Giving them your undivided attention. I do not mean sitting on the couch watching television together. Someone else has your attention. TV is all computers down. We're not answering our phones. We're looking at each other and sharing our thoughts and our ideas and sharing life with each other. Quality time, undivided attention. And the number 5 is physical touch. We've long known the emotional power of physical touch. That's why we pick up babies. Hold them and kiss them and cuddle them long before the baby understands the meaning of the word. The baby feels love through physical touch. In a marriage, this is such things as holding hands, kissing, embracing the whole sexual part of marriage, arm around the shoulder, driving down the road. You put your hand on their leg, sitting around the house. They walked by you, trip them - I'm kidding. Here's the simple idea out of those five love languages, each of us married or single, young or old. Each of us has what I call a primary love language, one of the five speaks more deeper to you emotionally than the other four. Now we can receive love in all five. But if we don't get love in our primary language, we will not feel loved. Even though we're getting it in some of the other languages and this is why many times couples do not feel loved by each other, not because they're not loving each other because they are, maybe he's speaking acts of service, doing all kinds of things for her to show his love and maybe her language is quality time. So, she appreciates what he's doing, but that doesn't really make her feel loved. If he'd sit down and give her 30 minutes or 15 minutes a day just talking with her, listening to her, finding out what's going on in her life, what are her thoughts? Then she'd feel loved, but instead she feels he doesn't even want to be with me, he never talks to me. So they criticize each other. So if you understand this and you learn each other's language, then you can start speaking it speaking love in a way that's meaningful to them. And how do you discover a person's Love language well. There's three informal ways. One is simply observe their behavior, or if you want to know your language, observe your behavior. Which of these five do you typically do naturally with people? Are you always getting people high fives and patting them on the back? Well, then physical touch is probably your language. If you're always giving gifts, then that's probably your language. If you're giving affirming words, that's probably what you want to receive, so that's a clue. And then another clue. What do you complain about most often? And what does the other person complain about? You know, feel like says. I just feel like we don't spend any time together anymore, we're just like ships passing in the night. Yeah, she's telling him quality time is her language. In fact, I had a mother tell me the other day, she said, my 6 year old son said to me, we don't ever go to the park anymore since the baby came. He used to have his mother's full attention. Just the two of them in the park and he's not getting that. He's complaining. So he's telling her his love language. So what are you complaining about? And then what are you request most often? So if your spouse says to you when you're going on a business trip, be sure to bring me a surprise. They're telling you gifts is their language language. Or if they say to you, honey, how does this look talking about their dress? How does this look that they're asking for words of affirmation, you know, so, if you put those three together, you can pretty well figure out a person's love language. Of course, you can also go online and take a free quiz. There's one for married couples. There's one for single adults. There's one for teenagers, and you answer a series of questions, and it will tell you what's your primary love language is what's your secondary language is and how the others fall in line under that. They told me the other day that 110 million people have taken their quiz and it's free.

Mentor Mama

Ohh my goodness.

Dr. Gary Chapman

So, anybody can take that quiz.

Mentor Mama

Yeah, we will put the link to that below that. It is incredible. It really is because I remember before having read the book. Look, my husband was speaking his language to me, which was words of affirmation. He would tell me all these nice things about myself. But it didn't have an impact. It was like, OK, thanks. But if he were to put his arm around me, like at church, I'd feel like $1,000,000.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Our marriage was pretty similar. My love language is words of affirmation. So that's what I gave her in the early days. And one day, she said, you know, you keep on telling me you love me. If you love me. Why don't you help me? I said, what do you mean? She said, well, you don't ever offer to wash dishes or vacuum floors, or clean toilets. I mean, you don't offer to do anything and I didn't say this, Ellen, I didn't say this to her, but I'm thinking woman, what are you talking about? My Mama did that! We bring our history with us, you know.

Mentor Mama

Sure. Yeah.

Dr. Gary Chapman

We expect their wives to do what our mom did. I like to say to the guys, hey, you didn’t marry your mama, you know, and you gals, you didn’t marry your daddy. So what you want to find out is what makes this man feel like that. Your husband. But she was telling me, looking back, I didn't know anything about love languages. But looking back on it, she was telling me that acts of service was her language and I wasn't doing any of those things. And when I started doing them, she started giving me words of affirmation. And we so we stumbled upon how to love each other, and many couples have done that. Yeah, there were good marriages before I wrote this book, but we stumbled upon what makes the other person respond to love.

Mentor Mama

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, when we know our what our own language is and that's what our sort of natural disposition to do is, how do we learn to love others in the language that speaks most effectively to them?

Dr. Gary Chapman

I think sometimes it's there's a learning curve. For example, if you didn't receive words of affirmation growing up. Then you come to adulthood and you don't know how to say words about. I remember a husband told me that. He said, I know what my wife’s love language is, words of affirmations, but I don’t know how to do that. He said I never received positive words growing up. I said, well, you are where you are, but here's the good news. You can learn to speak any of these languages as an adult, even if you didn't get them. So I said to him, I said tell me three things that that your wife is good at. He said, well, she's a good cook. She's a good schoolteacher. And she's a good mother. I said. OK, I wrote them down and then out beside them, I put two or three sentences, like on the cooking. Honey, I haven't told you this, but I really appreciate all the meals you fixed for us. You're a good cook. I just wrote out two or three sentences. I said, now you go home this week, twice a day, you get in a room by yourself. And you read these out loud, so you hear yourself saying these things. OK? And I hope by the end of the week you can come back and say them without looking at your notes. OK. So he came back and he did. And now I said, OK, now here's your assignment. The next three weeks, you give her one of these statements every week, just a different one every week for three weeks. I don't care when you do it, what day or where you do it. He said OK, I'll try when he comes back. I said, did you do it? He said, yeah, I did it. I said how did your wife respond? He said on the third week, she said to me, what's going on with you? I've never heard you give me so many compliments. Actually, what? What did you say? He said, well, I just told her, honey, I'm just trying to learn how to express to you how much I love you. She said all that. It's so sweet. So the reality is you can learn these languages as an adult if you didn't receive them, and that's good news.

Mentor Mama

Yeah, it should.

Dr. Gary Chapman

And that's why I'm saying in this book I just wrote, called, Love is a Choice. I had a guy say to me, he said  we read your book. We took the quiz. Her love language is acts of service. But I'll tell you and her, if it's going to take my washing dishes and vacuuming floors for her to feel love, she can forget that. And I said, that's your choice. If you choose to live with a woman who has what I call an empty love tank, that's your choice. I said I much prefer to live with a wife who has a full love tank. I said my wife's language is acts of service. I said I do wash dishes and vacuum floors and take out trash and clean toilets and she thanks me and she tells me I'm the greatest husband in the world. But, love is a choice, I said. You know what I'm giving you in the book is information on how to communicate love effectively. And meet that deep emotional need for love. But it's a choice. I mean you know it. So now you have a choice. I'm not going to do it and learn or learn to do it, or am I just going to ignore it? And if you ignore it, then you're going to be living with someone who has an empty love tank.

Mentor Mama

Well, let's just shift right into talking about your book. Love is a choice because it's this compilation of stories that show the five love languages in action, and they are just so incredibly heartfelt and impactful. How do these stories illustrate the ways we can choose to love when in many cases it would be easier just to ignore someone or walk away.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Well, these stories are all written by other people. I didn't write the stories. The stories illustrate how they have just spoken their love language. How many languages they spoke, but the power of love and then challenge people to be looking for opportunities to express love. There are stories about everything. It's not just marriage. It's all kinds of relationships. I remember just here's a simple one. There was a couple going on vacation to Carlsbad Cavern and they were going to hike. They get there and the Rangers say sorry to tell you, but the snow is so deep we had to close the park and the guy that was with his family heard the car in front of him, lash out at the Rangers and say, what do you mean? It's not that bad, you know? And you know, and this guy, when he got up there, he said, well, I really appreciate you guys looking out for us. We're disappointed, but I appreciate you looking out for us, he gave him words of affirmation instead of yelling at him, you know, complaining. And then they drove down as a family to a restaurant and stopped to get some coffee and some shopping for the kids. And while they were sitting there, they said, why don't we get some coffee and take it back up there and give it to those guys and they did, and they went back up there and he said, you know, we were down there at drinking hot coffee and we thought you guys got to be cold out here, so we brought you some coffee. He said the smile on and the response of those Rangers was better than even taking a hike in Carlsbad Caverns. Yeah, it's a simple thing. So first he spoke words of affirmation, then he gave them a gift and we all have opportunities every single day to speak some of these languages. Now other of the stories are more, more detailed. One I really like. In fact, they brought tears to my eyes. And you probably read this one, it's the lady who has retired, she was the retired librarian. She and her husband had no children. And she was retired. They moved into this neighborhood. She was in her backyard, working in a little garden space and this little girl, I think about four years old, came through the bushes. She lived in the house next door and she said to her, will you play with me and the lady said I'm busy, and the girl said, I’m Lilly, will you play with me? And the lady said I was so busy, but I just took my gloves off and said OK, honey, we'll play. What do you want to play? She said. I want to play house and I want you to be the child and me to be the mother and play so under the tree they played for a while, you know. And then she said, OK, honey, you're gonna have to run home, I've got to finish my work. And so the little girl left and she thought, well, that's that, you know, but the next day, the little girl knocked on the back door and when she went to the door, she said. What are you doing? And she said, I'm cooking. And she said, can I help? You and she said no. Honey, why don't you go home and help your mother? And she said, well, my mother's not there. Well, who's looking after you? She said a babysitter and she said, can I help you cook? And the lady said I just had to open the door. Come on in, honey and I let her stir, you know some things. And she said those two events were the beginning of a 21 year friendship with that little girl. She would come over to the house. At every stage we would do things together. Later we're sitting on porch in the swing talking to each other and when that GAL went off to college, when she came back, she had always come over and spend time with this lady, she said she became the daughter I never had. Well, she was given quality time to a child, she said. I'm so glad that I took what was really an interruption. You know, she was interrupting me that first morning and that second morning, but I took that interruption as an opportunity to love. And when we do that? All of us are so busy, you know, and sometimes people reach out to us and. We're too busy to get involved, even in the conversation with them, and we miss opportunities to love so. Amazing how we can impact people's lives if we just whenever we have something that seems to be an interrupt. Say, oh God, help me to see what you see and give my give some time here to find out if I might be, you know, can love this person, but it's just tremendous opportunities every day for every one of us to love. That's why I said if we have an attitude of love and we're thinking in terms of how can I enrich the lives of the people I encounter today? There are opportunities there every day for us to reach out to people in the family and outside the family.

Mentor Mama

Yes, absolutely. And that's a beautiful, beautiful story. It reminds me of our next door neighbor here, who they don't have any children, but they just kind of have loved on our kids so much. Well, I know we've kind of been talking about some things that maybe aren't painful, but as painful as when maybe you're living with someone where you have painful memories, it's a difficult relationship. How can we choose to love someone when we have painful memories.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Well, I remember the words of Jesus, when he said, love your enemies. Pray for those who, despitefully use you. A lot of people feel used in relationships. You know return good for evil. I mean, those are those are high lofty commands. And I think Christians have it on non-Christians because we have outside help. You know Romans chapter 5 and verse 5 says the love of God is poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit. So in those situations when we've been treated, you know harshly and we have pain and hurt in a relationship. If you can say to God, Lord you know how I feel. You know the hurt and pain that I feel. But I know you love that person because you love everybody and I'm in the best position of anybody in the world to be your agent for loving that if you're married to them, I'm thinking now. So I'm asking you. I'm opening my heart for your love into my heart and show me how I can love them in spite of the fact that I'm hurt. God will give you the power to respond to what they did to you or fail to do. He'll give you the power to do that, and the most powerful thing you can do to someone who isn't loving you is to love them in the right love language over an extended period of time and in their mind they're starting beginning to think, man, I don't know what's happening here, but I'm liking this a lot, and I've seen I've asked many wives, for example, who are in those kind of marriages. Would you do a six month experiment with me? And if we can figure out your husband's primary language, would you be willing to speak it with God's help at least once a week for six months? And let's see what happens. Over and over again, I've seen that husband begin to warm up and then begin to respond to her and begin to say things like, well, what can I do to help you tonight? You know and now can teach him her love language. We can't guarantee that. But love stimulates love. You know, the Bible says we love God because God first loved us, so we can be God's agent for loving an unlovely spouse or an unlovely neighbor. We can be God's agent for speaking love to them, and chances are our love will stimulate love inside of them. So I would just I always tell this couples who are in that situation, whether it's a husband or a wife, to ask God to give you the ability to be his representative for six months and really seek to communicate love to them in a meaningful way.

Mentor Mama

I'm sure that people that are listening to this now are encouraged that maybe are currently in difficult situations that OK, I can try this. You know that's only you're only asking me to do one thing a week I can handle. How do how does someone that maybe is in a relationship where there's some kind of like where do you draw the line where? Maybe there's substance abuse or emotional abuse that's happening or if anyone's listening, that might want to know, how do they go about that?

Dr. Gary Chapman

So yeah, I. I suggest that first of all you try what I've just suggested, you know, loving them in the right love language over a period of time. But there is a place then if they don't change and we can't make them change. There is a place then to say. I don't know how you feel about us. But I feel like I have been giving you everything I can to show you that I love you in spite of my own hurt. And I don't know if you care about us or not, but I love you too much to sit here and let you destroy me and our children. And so I want you to know, I'm going to be moving out and living with my mother. I'm not going to desert you if you're willing to go for counseling, I'll go with you. But if you're willing to get help for if it's abuse, if you're willing to get. Help you know then. Then we can get into marriage counseling. So I'm not. I'm not abandoning you. I'm just telling you I love you too much to sit here and do nothing, because I've tried to love you. For the last you know, however long and it appears to me that you don't. Here so often it's that kind of what I call tough love, that helps that person to say I'm about to lose something good here and they reach out to get help. Yeah. So, so tough love is love also. But tough love is more effective if it's after you have been loving them. In an unconditional way for a period of time, what happens most of the time is in a marriage like that? You criticize them, you tell them how awful they are. You put them down, you argue with them. You say negative things. You know,  two years and then you say then you do the tough love thing and then they say the other person says good riddance. I'm sick and tired of you anyway, you know. If you've been loving them for a period of time in a meaningful way, now they've got something to lose and they're sensing, oh man, she's been so good to me and now I've got to deal with this. You know, it can help motivate him to reach out and get the help he needs.

Mentor Mama

Because are some of those things, like maybe deep inner wounds from a some childhood or. Thing that they really need to process.

Dr. Gary Chapman

There's always hope for people who are abusive in any way. There's always hope for them if they will reach out for hope, if they will reach out to a counselor, and I encourage people go to go to a Christian counselor. If you've got that kind of problem, don't, don't, don't let your spouse have to. With this, see it in yourself and say I'm going to go get you some help because God can help you overcome all the scars of the past that have influenced you to be the kind of person you are now. But you don't have to continue to be this kind of person. You can. You can be a different kind of person.

Mentor Mama

Yeah, Jesus can break the chains. Well, that kind of leads me to one of the stories in the book that you called who is winning the war? And it tells about a couple who started their marriages, 2 selfish people. They ended up being at war with one another. Tell us about the steps that they took to stop fighting and Start learning how. To touch the heart of the other.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, I think in a nutshell, the biggest factor was. They learn to empathetically listen to each. Other you know any couple is going to have differences because we're human. Humans don't think the same way. They don't have the same emotions. But if we will take time to listen and respect them as a human. I want to hear your perspective, I want to understand what you're thinking. I want to understand your ideas. I want to hear your feelings. That's what I mean by empathy. You're actually trying to put yourself in their shoes and look at the world through their eyes and and if you're willing to do that , you can then honestly say, you know, honey, I think I'm understanding what you're saying and I can see how that makes a lot of sense. Now you're not an enemy. Now you're not trying to win an argument. You're expressing understanding. And because you express understanding, then you can say, now let me share my side  and the way I'm thinking and because you've listened to them and affirmed their ideas, I don't mean you necessarily agree with them. But you affirm their ideas. And when they can say to you, OK, now I understand your perspective and I can see how that makes sense. So how can we solve the problem? And you spend your energy solving the problem rather than spending your energy trying. To win an. Argument by nature, we know we're right. And if you just listen to me. You will understand you will believe me, you know. If you win an. Argument with your spouse, because if they just say this, OK, give it. I give up. Have it your way. You won the argument. They lost. It's no fun to live with a loser. Why would you create a loser? We're not losers. We're teammates. We're on the same team. So that's why arguments which are so common to us, because we all think that our position is right, whatever it is. And we try to convince them, and sometimes yell and scream at each other and that's always a downward journey arguments lead down. They never lead up empathetic. Listening leads to focusing on how can we solve the problem and what can we find that we can agree on. And you look for solutions because we're on the same team. You keep telling yourself we're on the same team, we're not enemies. So yeah, there's some powerful stories in the book that kind of deal with that.

Mentor Mama

You know, I think that's really the beauty of this book is that you can read one of these stories about someone else or another couple, and it can give you such encouragement and just, you know, in God's Providence, my husband and I had gotten into an argument and I after that I said, you know what? I need to prepare for this podcast. Would you listen to this with me? And he said yes and I mean, we were like, both melted into a puddle of, you know, ohh gushing. You know, thinking about it just gives such encouragement and hope to people when you hear someone else. That they've conquered hard things like this.

Dr. Gary Chapman

And that's why I'm excited about this book. I think it's for anybody of any age, really married or single. But you read these stories and you begin to see how God used another person in a situation and you kind of see yourself, you know. So I'm hoping that these 28 stories will encourage people to take steps toward love and becoming more of a loving person as a way of. Like if that happens, I imagine what would happen. For example, if just every Christian had a lifestyle of love and an attitude of love, and these stories would give you ideas on how and when and where to express love. So yeah, I'm excited about this book.

Mentor Mama

And just as we wrap things up here, I was also very encouraged by. Tamara's story of loving Tony lavishly and just how maybe you could just share that one as we start to head out because it is in another way, it really encourages love that we have to think about as well.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, yeah. Tony was a veteran and he had gone to the Veterans Administration and this lady Tamara's husband worked there. And he had been homeless, but he now had a low-income house or an apartment. But he had no furniture in it. And he also had a disease, the deadly disease. And when he told his wife about it that night, she said, well, we got to get him a van. Nobody shouldn't not live in a room with no bed. He was sleeping on the floor, so she just went out and bought him a bed and had it delivered and went over there and then she told her sister. I think it was about it and she said, her sister said, well, we got to get him some furniture. So the sister got him some furniture. And they just kind of outfitted his little apartment and he began to get, you know, worse in his disease and. And they found out he had. He had family in another state and so they contacted the family and the sister. They actually paid for his sister to come out and see him. And she came out and saw him and spent time with him and saw what they had done for him and then as he got really bad, they actually paid for him to, to go home, to be with his mother and live with his mother. The last three weeks of his life. And the mother said to Tamara and she said, you know, all these years, I prayed that God would perform a miracle in Tony's life. And you, you are that miracle? Yeah.

Mentor Mama

Ah, that just touched my heart so much. And it's such a great reminder that we need to be looking beyond ourselves and we can share our love. With with others that are going through challenges, or maybe someone that we would might typically avoid or, well, Doctor Chapman, thank you so much for talking about your your book. I'm so excited we will have the link in there before we go. I just want to ask you a couple of our favorite. Bible study tool questions that we like to ask our guests.

Dr. Gary Chapman

OK.

Mentor Mama

What is your Bible? What Bible do you have that is kind of your go to Bible and what translation is?

Dr. Gary Chapman

Typically  what I do is I read through one translation in another translation, but right now I'm on the NIV. The New International Version of the original new international version, and I like the Ryrie study Bible, Charles Ryrie was a seminary professor. At the bottom of the pages he has, you know, explanations of some of the geography and other things about what we just read. So it's just you've kind of got some stuff built in there, you know, rather than having to go get a commentary and read it so the Ryrie Study Bible and I've worked through.

Mentor Mama

Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Gary Chapman

What I what I do? Now is I I work through a whole Bible, a chapter a day, just walking through it every morning I walk through it and so. But I do like the Irish study Bible and in the NIV version, but I've done other versions as well.

Mentor Mama

Thank you for sharing that. How about do you have any? Do you? Like to journal? Or do you have anything that you have that enhances your Bible study experience?

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, I used to. I used to journal and hand handwriting before computers. Now I have my computer there, and when I've finished my time with God, you know, underlining the scripture passages and kind conversation with God and reading the comments at the bottom of the page, you know that that that Charles Ryrie has there and just praying and having a time with God. Then I turn around my computer. I put the date, I put the passage. And I type out at least one verse that really, really stuck out to me, you know? And then I talked about just a little paragraph on what I'm what happened yesterday and what I'm looking forward to today. And it's yeah. It's just a personal little personal diary that actually you could have done for many years.

Mentor Mama

Oh wow. And I bet you've seen God's faithfulness over and over again. Lastly, what would be your favorite app or website for Bible study tools that you would recommend?

Dr. Gary Chapman

Well, you know, I'm free apps in my age. I don't have a special app there. There are some good ones out there and I encourage people to use them. But you know, I was. I was pre all this stuff that's out there and available. Now I do like that I do like the computer, though I like to keep my notes on my computer, but probably if I were going to look at a Bible study website now, I'd probably look at yours because I understand you have a lot of resources.

Mentor Mama

Ah, ah, you're so sweet. Yes, that's our mission. Help people delight in God's word. Well, Doctor Chapman, thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to be with us here at Coffee and Bible Time. We are feel so encouraged and I just pray for continued blessings and that this book really is going to touch so many hearts and encourage so many people.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Well, thank you, Ellen and Taylor. It's good to have you with us today. Glad to meet you. What grade are you in? Are you still in school?

Taylor

Yes, I'm a senior at Moody Bible Institute.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Are you really?

Mentor Mama

And she's a counseling major.

Taylor

I read your books. I am in a newer relationship. We're about to hit eight months. So read your stuff too.

Dr. Gary Chapman

OK.

Speaker 2

Heather and I.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Have you have you read? Have you read things? I wish I'd known before we got married.

Taylor 

No, but I have been recommended that.

Dr. Gary Chapman

OK. OK, OK. Then I suggest you work with work through that too. Yeah, I'm.

Taylor

Absolutely, absolutely.

Dr. Gary Chapman

I'm glad to hear you are at Moody. I'm a graduate of Moody.

Taylor

Yes, I've been to the Chapman Center.

Dr. Gary Chapman

OK. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when I was there, Moody was only a three-year school. It was an institute. They didn't offer degrees, you know. Of course. Now you got degrees and you got masters degrees and all the rest of it there. But yeah, those are three important years for me, so I did that and then I went to Wheaton College for two years and got my degree. We yeah, but I have a special place in my heart for Moody.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, absolutely. Had a profound impact on my life. In fact, of all the education I've done, and I just kept on going to school forever. You know me. Dad was always going. Get it job now, son. You know, but the time that Moody was the most profound in terms of really impressing impact in my life of any place I've ever. Been, yeah.

Mentor Mama

Oh, thanks for sharing that. Wow, that's. I I thought it was interesting when you said the first two years, you know, are really the in-love years.

Speaker 2

It's interest.

Mentor Mama

I've been through one daughter getting married recently, so I called it the love fog.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mentor Mama

Because it was always like hello. I asked you a question, are you there? And now she's in that state.

Dr. Gary Chapman

Yeah, and it's wonderful. There's nothing wrong with being in love. It's a wonderful, wonderful experience. It's just that we need to look at other things as well because we are going to come down off that, and that's why I think if we get that love language concept down before we come down off that. Then we hardly miss it because we are speaking each other's language and we are. You know, we still feel that need is still being met. So yeah. Yeah, very good. But I enjoyed chatting with you.

Mentor Mama

All right, well. Thank you. And for our listeners, be sure and head over to the Coffee and Bible Time website. We will have all the information and the links regarding Doctor Chapman's book, so be sure and join us at coffeeandbibletime.com. Thank you so much for being with us. We love you. All have a blessed day.