Saving You First: Self-Preservation, Go-To CRAFT Strategies and Taming Fear When Your Child Struggles With Addiction and Mental Health, with Brenda Zane

EPISODE DESCRIPTION:

In this episode, I offer what might feel like slightly brutal truths if you're parenting a young person who struggles with substances and mental health challenges. I emphasize the importance of self-preservation for parents, noting that while you cannot force lasting change in your child or children, you can create the best conditions to foster it. 

I discuss the "self-preservation continuum" - the balance between being fully (overly) involved in your child's recovery and maintaining personal health and sanity. I also provide practical tools you can focus on when you have no idea what to do, and highlight the destructive impact of fear when it dominates. 

EPISODE RESOURCES:

Hopestream episode 8: Don’t Let Your Child’s Addiction Kill Your Dreams and Passions

Hopestream episode 58: Four Counterintuitive Things To Do When You’re Overwhelmed By Your Child’s Substance Use or Emotional Challenges

Insight Timer meditation: Your Special Room

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
Learn about The Stream, our private online community for moms
Find us on Instagram here
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Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

Hopestream Community is a registered 501(c)3 nonprofit organization and an Amazon Associate. We may make a small commission if you purchase from our links.

Chapters

• 0:46 Welcome to Hopestream
• 1:36 Into and welcome
• 4:51 Let's Breathe Together
• 7:44 The self-preservation continuum
• 14:58 About The Stream Community
• 16:20 This is so HARD
• 21:00 Real-life stories of behaviors make sense
• 24:30 What to do with the fear
• 30:57 Wrap up and resources

Transcript

[00:00:00] I was just not okay with seeing so many moms get totally screwed up and lose their jobs, and have their marriages fall apart and all the stuff that happened because of the situation with their child.

And as we know, we cannot save our kids. We can create conditions for the absolute best possible chance for them to change. But there is no way that we can actually make them change in any lasting way. You might be able to force or negotiate or bribe change into somebody temporarily, but they won't sustain it unless it comes from an intrinsic source.

[00:00:46] Welcome to Hopestream

Welcome to Hopestream, the podcast and community created specifically for parents of teens and young adults who are misusing substances and struggling with mental health. I'm Brenda Zane, and I have been in your shoes with a child who was addicted to a high-risk lifestyle and all the bad things that came with it.

Listen, every week to gain clarity and understanding. Learn new skills and best of all experience, real hope for what might feel like a helpless situation. We want you to not just survive this experience, but potentially find unexpected growth and meaning through it. You are not doing this alone anymore, and we're so glad you're [00:01:30] here.

After the episode, hop over to Hopestreamcommunity.org for more resources. 

[00:01:36] Intro and welcome

Hi friend. It is just us today. You may have noticed recently that we have been turning the focus more toward you toward talking to families and sharing episodes with Kathy and me, and that's because after five years and over 270 episodes, we thought it was time to get a little more cozy, get a little deeper into conversation that talks to your mindset.

Your heart and to provide inspiration in various ways. Not that guests can't do that, they can, but it has just felt really right to us to turn the focus inward a little bit for now, and don't worry, we're still gonna have guests on, but a little bit less frequently. And if you're looking for something or someone in particular, please use the search feature on our website.

We created that for you to just make it a little bit easier, you can go to Hopestream community.org and click on podcast and then scroll down just a little bit and you'll see a big search bar. And what it'll do is just rake through all of the episodes and find what you need. And you can always send us an email too, info@hopestreamcommunity.org if you have an idea for a podcast episode.

If you have a guest that you'd like to recommend, just shoot it our way and we'll [00:03:00] take a look. So be sure to use that search feature. It is super handy. And while I'm talking about episodes, if there is an episode that has really spoken to you, or if in general you get something out of this podcast, would you be an amazing friend?

And rate, hope, dream, and the podcast player that you listen on. All you have to do is go to the main Hopestream page, not the episode page that you're listening to, but the main page for the podcast in like Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And then scroll down about, I don't know, four or five episodes and you'll see some stars.

And all you have to do is just tap the stars and that will rate the show. And then if you're like a best friend, you will leave a few words just about what you like about the show. Maybe something, some aspect that's helped you. And don't worry, you don't have to put your real name on the review. You can make up a name and what is this matter?

Well, it's not vanity. It's the algorithm. When a show has more ratings and reviews and followers, be sure to also tap follow. It gets prioritized in those platforms. So when a mom or dad is laying in bed at two o'clock in the morning and they can't sleep because they don't know what the heck is going on with their kid.

And they're searching for a podcast about parenting and kids and addiction and all that stuff. Your rating and your review will help make it easier and more likely [00:04:30] that they're gonna find Hopestream, so you can do a little giving back without even having to put down your phone right now. As of today, we have 198 ratings.

I bet we could blow that out of the water with your help. Okay, so enough of that. There are a few things that I wanna chat about today, but first we breathe, 

[00:04:51] Let's breathe together

 if it's physically and emotionally safe to do so. Close your eyes, take a long, deep breath, hold it, and then release.

And then give yourself one more of those. This is your free self care for the day. Deep, deep breath and let it go better. Right? A wise consultant told me the other day that he had listened to many of our podcast episodes and he said, what's interesting? Is you do realize you're actually saving moms and parents and caregivers, right?

And I thought that was pretty interesting and insightful because if you're an og, Hopestream listener way back in 2020 on episode eight, yes, eight, and I'll put a link in the show notes to it. Of course. On episode eight, I talked about this exact topic. I was just not okay with seeing so many moms get [00:06:00] totally screwed up and lose their jobs, and have their marriages fall apart and all the stuff that happened because of the situation with their child.

And as we know, we cannot save our kids. We can create conditions for the absolute best possible chance for them to change. But there is no way that we can actually make them change in any lasting way. You might be able to force or negotiate or bribe change into somebody temporarily, but they won't sustain it unless it comes from an intrinsic source.

So this wise consultant was right in that what we do at Hopestream for moms and dads and caregivers and sisters and aunts and uncles and grandparents who are. Loving on these kids who are really struggling. What we do is we help save you. We help save your sanity, your body, your mind, your future, your job, all the things that can get erased and obliterated when you turn a hundred percent of your attention on to your child or your loved one that you're caring for.

It was fun to go back and listen to episode eight. Wow, a little cringey. I was pretty brand new at podcasting. So if you want a flash from the past and a pep talk on why I believe what we are doing at Hopestream is so [00:07:30] important, aside from helping kids get healthier, rewind your podcast machine to episode eight.

It was on May 12th, 2020, and I would encourage you to take a listen. 

[00:07:44] The self-preservation continuum

On this topic of staying sane and healthy, when your kiddo's misusing substances and struggling with mental health, I think of it like a continuum. So at one end, let's say the left end, let, when you just throw up your hands, walk away, say, well, you're on your own, and you shut your child out of your life.

Now, I don't know very many. I guess I should say, I don't know any parents or caregivers who have done that when they have, especially a teenager or a young adult maybe. Maybe if somebody has a spouse or an older adult child, they might get there. But when you have a 14-year-old or a 17-year-old, or a 23-year-old, it is very rare that I see any parent get to that point.

Okay, so that is the far left side of the continuum. The other end is when you give your child everything, you give them all of you, and then some you would cut off your arm for them. You would cut off your leg. you basically either eat way too much or you stop eating altogether. You miss your doctor's appointments.

You don't go to your CrossFit gym, you skip yoga [00:09:00] class, you don't see your friends for coffee anymore, and you move completely to the other, the right end of the spectrum where everything in your world becomes about your child and trying to save them. And what's important is to try and find a zone in the middle.

Maybe sliding a little bit to the left of center, which would be toward preserving yourself. I call this the self-preservation zone, where you are still all in 100% with your tools and your skills and empathy and craft strategies, but you're not cutting off your arm, not even close. And I say that because you can do all the things.

You can use craft, you can have the best boundaries. You can allow the natural consequences. You can do all the things that we teach and they work in varying degrees, depending on a lot of factors outside of your control. Yet you don't have control over whether the things that you do will actually motivate your child to change or accept help, or do both.

Now, I know that might sound a little odd coming from me, the craft and invitation to change cheerleader, but it's because while they are scientifically proven to move the needle foremost upwards of about 76%, as with all things in life, there are no absolute energies what you [00:10:30] will accomplish if you focus on your self preservation.

Your healthy boundaries, allowing natural consequences to play out using positive communication and positive reinforcement is you are going to feel better regardless of what's going on with your child. You are gonna feel more in control and able to cope. Your mental and your physical health will improve, which allows you to have a better relationship with your child and everyone else around you.

I think there's a little bit of a misperception, especially for those of you who are in the Type A perfectionist category, you achievement oriented parents, which Kathy and I just talked about on episode 2 73. So if that's you, go, listen, there can be this tendency to think, well, I'm gonna do all the things right and that will make this thing change and I will get these results.

You know the A plus B equals C mentality, and I so wish that was true and it is not always true. I have known many people who have used craft and invitation to change to the T to the letter. They're so good at it, and their kids are either still in active addiction or they're in cycles of.

Use and relapse, or unfortunately tragically, some of them have lost their kids because [00:12:00] you can have amazing communication skills. You can be incredible at positive reinforcement. And if your child goes out and they get the wrong half of the fake Percocet, it doesn't matter.

Fentanyl is going to trump communication skills every time. I know that might be brutal to hear, but it is true and I know more than a handful of people in that situation. So while it is brutal, it's the truth. And I don't say this to be depressing. This is not the downer episode of Hopestream. I say it because you can only do what you can do.

You're not a magician who can wave a wand and turn things around overnight. You are human. This is why I say on that continuum, lean a little bit closer toward the left, toward taking care of yourself, because not only will that serve you better, it's also going to give your child a healthier, more sane, more balanced, more functioning parent when and if they do come through on the other side.

What they don't need is you in a hospital with cancer. Or incapacitated with an autoimmune disease or whatever else thing you might contract going through this enormous amount of stress when they come through and they're in recovery and then you are not, you are a mess. That is no good my friend. [00:13:30] We don't want that to happen.

So that was what this wise, wise consultant told me the other day, and I really appreciated getting that perspective. Brought back up because I do think about that a lot. I probably don't talk about it as much as I should, that we are really here for you, for the parents and caregivers, and yes, of course we're also here to help you help your child.

 but I think many of you, especially for those of you who are in the stream community, you moms, you've gotten to know me, you know Kathy and Dina and Patty. Holly and Paula and all the just amazing advisors and coaches and facilitators, and they are going to tell you hands down, over and over and over to pay attention to yourself.

Don't let yourself go. Don't skip the doctor's appointments. Don't skip getting together with your friends. Yeah, it might be a little awkward because you have the kid who's not on the right path, and that's okay. You're gonna live, you're gonna survive awkward coffee dates. I promise. I'm a pro at it. And here's another thing, if you share a bit about what is going on with you, there is a good chance you are gonna see someone across the table with a little tear slipping out of the corner of her eye.

And she might say, I get it. I'm with you.

[00:14:58] About The Stream Community

 [00:15:00] Hey, friend, can I tell you something? If you're a mom navigating the heartbreaking, confusing journey of loving a child who struggles with substance misuse and mental health, I see you. I really do. When my family was in the deepest, darkest place, I felt completely alone. I was terrified, exhausted, and had no roadmap.

That's exactly why we created Hopestream, the community and support I wish we had had years ago. The Stream membership isn't just another program that will tell you to let go or use tough love. It's a lifeline, a place where you'll find real women who truly understand, who won't judge you and who will walk beside you with compassion.

We've curated resources built in airtight private community, not on Facebook, and created a space where you can breathe, learn, and start healing. Not just for your child, but for yourself because you matter. Your journey matters. If you're ready to feel supported, understood, and empowered, join us in the stream.

We can't wait to welcome you. Visit Hopestream community.org to learn more and join us today. 

[00:16:20] This is so HARD

Another thing that has been on my mind that I feel like I needed to share and reshare with you is that this is [00:16:30] so hard, hard in all caps. If we could do all caps in a podcast, I'm, I'm speaking in all caps right now, I don't really have any other word beside this is so.

Hard. If I was a person who used a lot of profanity, I would probably throw some of that in there. I'm just not, I justly don't swear. I don't know why, but man, you could put a few colorful words in there. I would 100% support that. It is so hard, and I know you are really hard at doing all the things, and there are times when you might not use the tool.

You forgot to press the pause button. You didn't use the information sandwich. You forgot all about surf and positive communication and how that works. And frankly, in the moment, you don't care. You're done. You are tired, you just don't have the energy to figure it out. And maybe something blew up with your kiddo and you're beating yourself up for it.

And I just wanna confirm for you that it is okay. It's okay to flub it up. It's okay to not feel like using your tools. You're like, I don't even wanna go find my toolbox, let alone pull a tool out and figure out how to use it. So what I would suggest is in those moments, and maybe for a while, maybe you need to do it once a day, give yourself a few minutes in the morning to [00:18:00] have a little pity party.

Feel really bad, acknowledge that this sucks so much. It does not look like what you thought your life was gonna look like. Your child is hurting and nothing. Nothing hurts a mom's heart more than seeing a hurting child, especially if it's hers. I guarantee it. Nothing. It's a physical pain that we feel. I think it's an umbilical thing.

I haven't really done any research on that, but I don't necessarily hear dads say that they have this physical pain. Although I know they are also in extreme pain watching their kids, but I know I physically hurt when I saw my son hurting. So give yourself that time. Don't try to be stoic 24 7. You know, I got this, I have my tools, I'm going to use them.

Of course you are, but maybe just maybe you need a little bit of time to throw yourself a hard-earned, very much deserved parenting tantrum. Get it out, because if you don't, you're gonna be carrying that with you into all of your interactions in your day-to-day world. So get it out, give yourself a break, and then you can go find your tool belt.

It might be dusty, it might be buried under a pile of stinky laundry. Maybe you forgot it somewhere. Or maybe your spouse or your [00:19:30] partner, your ex-spouse, your co-parent. Maybe they borrowed it. You never know. They might think, huh, I saw her use that thing last week. I'm gonna try it too. Wouldn't that be amazing?

So find your tool belt. Just think about what you need to use. Here are three really good go-to tools. If you, if you are lost, if you don't know what to do. If you have no idea, start with self preservation. Yeah, just scoot yourself a little bit to the left of center on the continuum that we just talked about and do something for you.

Number two would be positive communication. It always works, even if you really don't think you have a lot to be positive about. You can say, you know, I remember you've always just been so blank. Fill in the blank, whatever your child is. Creative, insightful, caring, resourceful. Most of our kids are the most resourceful humans on the planet, so that's always a good go-to just get something positive into the space between you and your child.

And then of course, my favorite. It's not really a tool, but more of an understanding that behaviors make sense. Try with an open mind, a curious mind to understand what's going on. We had a fantastic conversation in the [00:21:00] stream this last week around the idea that behaviors make sense, and we asked our members to share some of their stories around this.

And you should see some of the reasons why these kids are smoking weed all day, using Xanax, taking mushrooms, all the things that they do, these beautiful, crazy creatures of ours. They are very, very valid reasons. Here is one example. I asked one of our members if she would be okay with me sharing this because I think it's the most textbook case that I could find to share on the subject.

Here's what she said. My son told me a few months into his use that one of the first feelings he had the first time he smoked a joint was anger. Anger, because he couldn't believe there was a way to make his anxiety and fear go away a way that he could finally feel normal.

And all this time, we had been holding out on him all this time. We had been forcing unhelpful medication down his throat instead of letting him use something that actually worked, I stood there in absolute shock, fully exposed and eyes wide open. That comment he made changed. Everything for me it was then I realized compassion was the only way to lead us on, and I'm still trying to figure out how exactly this is supposed to look.[00:22:30] 

Wow. That says everything. Here's another one that one of our moms allowed me to share that demonstrates the power of understanding and compassion by you as the parent she said. When our son was in a terrible downward spiral and we were sitting in his apartment as he paced back and forth, lighting up a joint with a freshly polished off bottle of wine next to him.

He was sweating and exhausted and overwhelmed, and I just looked at him and said, I know you are doing this because you just want to feel better. He looked at me with such incredible distress and said, thank you for saying that, and recognizing that I think in that minute he saw me coming from a place of understanding and not disdain about the role of substances in his life.

That theme has persisted in that we frame his current wellness efforts, quote unquote, wellness efforts under the category of an effort to feel better. Wow. I love these statements. These are real time, real life things that are going on in families that you might be able to relate to or might shed some new light on the situation that you're in and maybe a conversation that you could have with your own child.

So have a pity party. Get it out. [00:24:00] Find your tool belt and just start small. And if you totally. Totally lost it with your child or you didn't respond in the way you wanted. It's okay. It's a great opportunity to go to them at some point and say, you know what? I didn't show up the way I wanted to. Can I get a do over on that?

Or you might say, next time I'm gonna do better, that my friend will go miles and miles with them.

[00:24:30] What to do with the fear

And I wanna wrap up by talking about fear. I know you have a lot of fear, or you lived with fear so long, it feels like it moved in and infused into your bones. And now you're trying to figure out how to live your life without fear owning real estate in your body.

I wish I had a magic wand, but I don't. Here's what I've learned though, from working with hundreds of parents. Fear might be protective in its intention. Your body is just naturally wired to keep you safe, but it becomes destructive when it takes the driver's seat in your life.

Fear might be protective in its intention, but it becomes destructive when it takes the driver's seat in your life. research shows that chronic stress and anxiety literally rewire your brain. Which makes you hypervigilant to threat and you're less able to access that [00:25:30] calm, creative problem solving part of your brain that your child really needs.

 Now, obviously some fear is rational. Your child is facing real risk, and you would be naive to pretend otherwise. But here's the paradox, the more you are consumed by fear. The less effective you become at actually helping your child or children navigate those risks you're so afraid of. The more you're consumed by fear, the less effective you become at helping your child navigate the risks you're so afraid of.

 So it becomes a vicious cycle. And what I find when I'm coaching people is the bigger fears. The ones like, will they ever have a stable job or housing or a relationship, or will they end up incarcerated for a long time or what if they're never happy? Those ones tend to occupy the biggest part of your brain.

 And not always. Sometimes your child might be in the hospital or they're facing an acute situation. And you are right smack in it. But be aware of this, at what distance is the fear I'm feeling right now? At what distance is the fear I'm feeling right now?

 I'll give you a small practice to try when you get paralyzed by fear here, pause. Take a deep breath. We just practiced it. Remember, [00:27:00] and ask yourself. Is this fear about what's happening right now or what might happen? You might be time traveling to future disasters that will never occur. And if that's the case, bring yourself back to this moment, what is actually true right now.

If it's helpful during your short pity party, go ahead and meet Fear there. Say hi. Let it know you're onto it. And then when you wrap up the pity party, get refocused on what's happening right here, right now. There is a great saying, and I'm sorry that I can't remember who said it. Be where your feet are and if there's legitimate fear for safety, by all means deal with it.

But don't let it hold your throat all day. I'll put a link in the show notes to a meditation I have on Insight timer. It's called Your Special Room, and it gives you a really gentle, really loving way to meet some of these difficult emotions and work with them.

 There's also going to be a link in the show notes for episode 58. I don't know why we are just going back to all the old episodes today, but episode 58. It's called four counterintuitive things you can do when you're overwhelmed by your child's substance use or emotional challenges, and it will be really good for you [00:28:30] if you're struggling with keeping your head above water right now.

 We talked about this on a coaching call this week. Your child needs to see you living your life, not just surviving it. They're watching to see if recovery, both theirs and yours. It can actually lead to joy and fulfillment. Did you catch that? They are watching you to see if a sober, healthy lifestyle looks like any fun.

So when you begin taking back pieces of yourself that fear has stolen, you're modeling resilience and giving them something to move toward if you are wallowing in fear and despair. That is not gonna look like a life they wanna move closer to. Okay. Quick recap of what we've talked about today, because I do admit I have been a little all over the place.

Number one, you're going to rewind to episode number eight to hear why I believe what we do at Hopestream is so critically important, aside from how we help kids through their parents. Number two, this is hard in all caps and it's okay to toss your tool belt, throw a pity party, say hi to the fear that is trying to take you down, and then pull it together and move on with your day.

You've got to get it out at some point.

 Number three, when you don't even know where [00:30:00] your tool belt is, try starting with self-preservation. Positive communication and recognizing that behaviors make sense. They really do think about those little stories I told from our members. And number four, our dear friend, fear. Don't try to keep it out.

Just recognize if it's close up, acute fear because something's happening right now. Or are you time traveling to circumstances that may or may not ever happen? And then. Breathe, turn to your higher power. Take a walk in the forest, jump on a rebounder. Sing full throttle in the shower. Sock a punching bag.

Hit 3000 golf balls. Do whatever you need to do to get in the moment and be where your feet are. 

[00:30:57] Wrap up and resources

Okay, my friend. If you want the transcript or show notes and resources from this episode, just go to Hopestream community.org and click on podcast. That'll take you to all things podcast related,

we even have a start here playlist if you're new. So be sure to check them out. I also wanna let you know about a free ebook you can download if you're feeling anxious and confused about how to approach your child's substance misuse. The book is called Worried Sick, A Compassionate Guide for Parents of Teens and Young Adults [00:31:30] misusing Drugs and Alcohol, and it'll introduce you to ways that you can rebuild connection and relationship with your child versus distance and let them hit rock bottom.

It's totally free. Go to Hopestream community.org/worried to download that.

 You are amazing. You are such a rockstar, a super elite level parent. It's truly an honor to be here with you. And please know you are not doing this alone. You've got this tribe and you will be okay. You'll make it through this season, and when you do, you are going to be stronger.

More resilient than you ever thought possible. I'm sending all my love and light and I'll meet you right back here next week.