A Love Letter for Parenting Kids Through Addiction, with Brenda Zane

ABOUT THE EPISODE:

There are days in this journey when the weight of it all becomes almost too much to carry. You are still showing up, still trying, still breathing through a kind of pain most people around you will never fully understand. A few years ago, I sat down and wrote something for you, for the mom and the dad and the grandparent in the thick of it, and I tucked it away. Today I pulled it back out.

This piece first appeared on Insight Timer, and it became the most-listened-to content there. I dusted it off because I needed something creative, and because I believe these words may land with where you are today. The world I recorded it in and the community we are now are not so different, and what I felt then, I still feel now.

This is not an interview. There is no guest, no framework, no five-step plan. It is just me, speaking out loud the things I wanted every struggling parent to hear in a heavy moment.

In this episode I ask you to set down, just for a few minutes, the weight you have been carrying. Not forever. Not in denial. Just long enough to breathe, to remember who you are outside of this fight, and to hear something true: this is not your whole life. You are still in there. And you are stronger than this feels right now.

If you are exhausted and need someone to remind you that you are not alone, this one is for you.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• Free ebook Worried Sick
• Brenda’s content on Insight Timer

This podcast is part of a nonprofit called Hopestream Community
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Transcript

330 Love Letter for a Special Parent

[00:00:00] Hi, friend. It has been a while since I shared some of what goes on in my heart. That's mainly because this podcast and our community have been growing at a pace much faster than our little team has grown. And so it doesn't leave me much time or brain space To just sit and create things. So today I went back to the vault and what I found there was a piece of writing that I did back in, I wanna say 2021 ish.

And it is the most played content that I have on Insight Timer. I dusted it off. And I wanted to see if it's still tracked with where I am in my heart and where we are today as a community. And with very few exceptions, it did. 

[00:01:00] I'm resharing it today because it gave me a chance to put my mind on something creative.

Something I truly miss these days, and also because these words are ones that I believe need a wider audience. I wrote them one day when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed by the things that the moms I was working with were going through. It was such a heavy time. A heavy moment and I wanted to speak out loud the things that I thought they needed to hear in that heavy moment.

So, set down what you're doing and I hope this will connect with you in some way today, regardless of where you and your struggling child and family are today. Sending so much love and light.

[00:02:00] I want to share some thoughts with you because I know how hard it is where you are. These words are meant for you, whether you're a mom or a dad, a stepparent, a grandparent raising a grandchild. If you love a child who is struggling. This is for you. No one else will understand. No one else will appreciate what you need to hear today.

So I hope you will let yourself be washed in these words of love and knowing admiration, take what you need and leave what you don't. But know that you are worthy of so much, and especially worthy of giving yourself time and space and 

[00:03:00] presence to be here and to rest. take a deep breath in deep into your belly and let it go. Take another deep, deep breath in hold and let it all go. Let your shoulders down. Relax the muscles in your face, in your jaw. Loosen your neck. This is your own delicious time. Nothing else to do for these few minutes. I'm going to try to help you move out of what might be a swirling, fearful place into a place where you can observe and 

[00:04:00] accept instead of being consumed. And it is so hard. I know it is so hard. It's a scary place you're in. I wish I could transport you out of that place. So just for a moment, set down the heaviness, set down the weight. If you can imagine visually setting it down, knowing it'll be there when you come back. Now step outside where the sun is shining bright. You squint the warm sun lands on your face, your shoulders, and you sit down in the most beautiful place 

[00:05:00] and you breathe So light. There's no weight here, no fear. This is a place you used to know well, A place you didn't know might not exist someday. I know it feels like you have been pulled into a world you didn't even know existed, and all you want is out for things to be back the way they were. To see the light and laughter and joy in your child's eyes. The same light you see when you look at pictures of them from the past.

There's a hole in your heart where that used to be, and all you want to do is fill it up again. You would do anything to fill it up again, but for right now. 

[00:06:00] You are still outside in the sun letting that go and recognizing that this is a part of your life and it's okay, this is not your whole life. It can feel like your whole life. It can consume every ounce of your energy, your mind, your heart. But to make it through, you need to recognize that this is part of your life, part of your story, part of your child's story. And it may be a long story or it may be a short story. Everyone's has different chapters and different endings, but mama and Papa hear me. This is not your whole 

[00:07:00] life. This is a peace, an element of your life, and you can't let it take you, your soul, the gifts you offer to the world. The world needs your gifts, your family needs you. So you step outside and you put this piece of what's happening in its place. Know that it is temporary in whatever way it is temporary. And know that you are bigger than this. I know it feels like it's bigger than you. It's not. You are bigger than this.

 You are so strong. This will make you find strength you did not know you had. It will come from your toes. 

[00:08:00] You'll pull it from every corner of yourself and you'll keep yourself strong and healthy so that you can do this. Don't you give up? You can't give up. You are your child's strongest asset right now. Your son or your daughter's strongest ally, their fiercest advocate, their warrior.  And you know your child, you know, they're beautiful, amazing, funny, loving and kind. They're sensitive and caring and smart and you know this is not them. You know who your child is and remember, you are still outside. Sitting in the sun 

[00:09:00] still light unweighted, untethered. This is your time to just be, to relax and be who you are. That person is still there. Still you. There are some hard earned scars. Now. Some emotional scar tissue is building up. And it's beautiful because it's part of your story. It is part of your makeup. Now, you, my friend, are in a battle, a war you didn't choose. But here's the good news. You are the best one and maybe the only one who can fight this war alongside your child. You have been given special talents, 

[00:10:00] special resources and energy and love, and for you, dad, if you're here, you who may have been taught your whole life to fix things, to stay strong and quiet.

And hold it together for everyone else. There is no fixing your way through this one, and your heart breaks just the same as anyone's. You belong here. There is room for all of it here. And you, mom, you who may believe you should have seen it, stopped it, prevented it somehow. Set that down too. It was never yours to carry. You will fight this war, but for right now, you are resting because you need rest 

[00:11:00] because it is hard. It's so hard, and it's so painful, and it can be so long rest. Sit in the sun, even if it's a make-believe son. Gather your resources, gather your strength, and know that you are doing the best you can with what you know today.

You are a warrior mom. You are a warrior dad. You're a parent of a kind. Most people don't know and they never will. But we know and it makes you rare and special and yes, a little bit magical. I recognize you. I see you. I feel your burden. I really do. 

[00:12:00] I feel your hurt and your fear and the anger that goes along with all of this. And I too have to sit in the sun. I too have to put it down because I carry little shards of each of your pieces of pain with me so that I don't ever forget, so that I can hopefully give you some wisdom, some strength, a sense of belonging, the knowing that you are not alone. That keeps me going, and I want to keep you going.

You will change your child's life. You'll change your own life. Your life won't ever be the same, and I know sometimes you just want things to go back, but this is your story now. 

[00:13:00] This is an element of who you are and who your child is. And who you will both become. So as you breathe deeply, know that you will and you can make it through this.

Take a few last sips of sunshine and fresh air. And know that you'll pick the load back up. Maybe it'll be a little lighter this time. Maybe you are a little stronger. You are not alone, and you can come back here anytime. You can step outside, leave the weight behind, and sit in the sun and you will be okay. Okay, my friend. That is what I have for 

[00:14:00] you today. If you're new here, I would encourage you to download our free ebook called Worried Sick, because you might be just that if you go to host dream community.org/worried, you can download that ebook.

It'll give you ways of changing your behavior and using. Behavioral and psychological tools to encourage positive change in your child because as we know, yelling, screaming, negotiating, and bribing don't work. So go to Hope Stream community.org/worried to download that. You can also start a free two week trial in our membership, the Stream community for moms and female caregivers who have teens and young adults struggling with mental health.

And substance use. Just go to Hope Stream community.org. You can learn more about the membership and start a free two week trial 

[00:15:00] with no credit card required and no long-term commitment. Alright, I hope you have a beautiful week. I'm sending all my love and light your way and I'll meet you right back here next week.