WEBVTT 00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:00.640 Well, good morning. 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:09.439 We invite you to open up your scriptures to the New Testament book of Ephesians for our scripture reading this morning. 00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:14.640 The Ephesians chapter 5, verses 28 to the end of the chapter. 00:00:17.280 --> 00:00:19.039 Beginning in verse 28. 00:00:20.800 --> 00:00:25.359 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. 00:00:25.679 --> 00:00:39.280 He who loves his wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. 00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:48.399 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother, and the two shall hold fat, he shall hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:54.000 This mystery is profound, and I'm saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 00:00:54.240 --> 00:01:01.759 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. 00:01:02.000 --> 00:01:03.759 The word of the Lord. 00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:09.040 Well, it is that time of year again. 00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:13.840 Ice and snow on the roads. 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:24.159 And uh sometimes that catches us off guard, and maybe we didn't get our car ready for driving as quickly as we did. 00:01:24.400 --> 00:01:29.439 And as we all know, around here in North Dakota, the big problem is getting traction. 00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:42.719 And you know, there's a lot of things you can do to your car that will help your car, but they won't necessarily help you get traction, uh, help the rubber meet the road. 00:01:42.959 --> 00:01:50.640 But there are some things, there are some very important things that would be good for you to do and be mindful of if you want to get traction. 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:55.439 Uh you want to pay attention to your tires and to the kind of tread that's on there. 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:59.200 Uh you want to pay attention to weight if you have an old pickup truck. 00:01:59.359 --> 00:02:12.000 Uh you want to pay attention to maybe front-wheel drive, or uh if you really want to go all the way all-wheel drive or four-wheel drive, and those are things that really make a difference in traction, right? 00:02:12.719 --> 00:02:20.960 Well, several weeks ago uh we began a mini-series on marriage, um, which I've entitled A Growing Marriage. 00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:31.280 And my goal is to highlight some key areas in Scripture that would provide some significant traction in our marriages. 00:02:31.759 --> 00:02:33.199 That's the goal here. 00:02:33.439 --> 00:02:39.680 And, you know, some of you are probably already thinking, you know, traction in marriage is a funny thing. 00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:50.319 Um the goal is not for me to unveil some silver bullet that's going to fix all that's broken in our marriages. 00:02:50.560 --> 00:03:03.759 Rather, the goal is for us to help to help you personally and me personally to get new traction as one individual seeking to foster growth in your marriage. 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:07.759 So, in other words, this series is for you as individuals. 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:23.759 It's not for your wife, it's for you as individuals, and it's for you to think about where is God wanting me to get traction in my life and in my sanctification and in my marriage that's going to foster growth. 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:31.360 And what are the kinds of things that are going to be like putting new tires on my car or shifting to all-wheel drive? 00:03:31.599 --> 00:03:34.560 Those are the things that we're especially interested in here. 00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:47.039 Well, the last time we were in this series, we looked at what I consider to be the foundation of this, and that would be journeying with God in dependence. 00:03:47.280 --> 00:04:01.199 Learning how to depend on God, learning what that means, is absolutely foundational to all of the Christian life, and it's certainly foundational to marriage and to how our marriages grow. 00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:09.039 Today we're going to move on and look at one of the key aspects of love that God would have us pursue in our marriages. 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:19.120 When we think of marriage, we think of love, and love's a big category, but we're going to focus in on one word that was in our text this morning, and that word is cherish. 00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:20.160 Cherish. 00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:21.439 And what does that mean? 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:23.920 And how does it play out in our marriage? 00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:28.480 We're going to navigate our way through this by uh three movements here. 00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:37.360 We're going to look at, first of all, God's call to cherish, the call to cherish, the goal, the standard that he puts out there. 00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:43.439 Um then I want us to look at the enemies of cherish, the barriers, the hurdles. 00:04:43.519 --> 00:04:46.800 Uh, and then finally the road, the road to cherish. 00:04:46.879 --> 00:04:51.360 How do we really get traction in this one particular area? 00:04:51.759 --> 00:05:02.079 Um, you know, it's interesting when I became a parent, um, I was interested in like where are the scripture passages about parenting? 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:04.720 Like, like, where are the where are the books on that? 00:05:05.120 --> 00:05:11.199 Where are the the entire chapters devoted to parenting and found none? 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:22.879 And it turns out there's just words here and there on parenting, and um parenting is such an overwhelming task, I would have expected there to be large books on that. 00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:25.920 Um the same thing holds true with marriage. 00:05:26.160 --> 00:05:28.800 Like, where are the books on marriage? 00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:38.560 Well, there is the Song of Solomon, and that focuses on a particular key aspect of marriage, but but really in terms of kind of a manual, isn't that what you would like to have? 00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:40.879 A manual for marriage. 00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:47.519 Scripture has relatively little to say directly about marriage. 00:05:48.480 --> 00:06:01.360 And it turns out that really the growth we need, the truth we need, the encouragement we need, whether it's parenting or marriage, is found all over Scripture and is found in our general Christian lives. 00:06:01.439 --> 00:06:14.000 And so there is a sense in which just truths about how to love in general are the important truths we need to learn how to love within our marriage or to learn how to love our children. 00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:22.079 But on the other hand, it's always good to pay attention when there are actually those specific passages that have a word about marriage, right? 00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:40.879 Um if you again, thinking of the parenting analogy, um if you get to the section that says, fathers, uh don't be angry with your children, harsh with them, um, so that you discourage them, you know, I think that's a word we really, really need to hear. 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:45.120 There's a reason why that word was preserved for us. 00:06:45.519 --> 00:06:49.439 There's a propensity there that is super important for us to hear. 00:06:49.519 --> 00:06:52.639 And if it's just one thing, um, all the more. 00:06:53.839 --> 00:06:57.120 In the same vein, that you find this in terms of marriage. 00:06:57.199 --> 00:07:05.519 Of all the things that Paul could have said about marriage, um, he has a passage here that focuses on just a few things. 00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:11.519 And so now we're gonna turn our attention to look at what he says and kind of narrow our scope here. 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:17.759 First of all, let's look at the at the his call to cherish, the call to cherish. 00:07:18.560 --> 00:07:26.879 Um this section that I've read from in Ephesians is from a general, a whole general section that gives a lot of encouragement about the Christian life. 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:30.879 But more narrowly, it's a section about husbands and wives, right? 00:07:31.040 --> 00:07:33.439 Um, husbands do this, wives do this. 00:07:33.519 --> 00:07:36.720 And there's a whole passage, and I read just a portion of that. 00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:44.560 So we're actually in one of those passages that deals with um with marriages and some words about that. 00:07:44.720 --> 00:08:05.439 And what's said here is that husbands are to cherish and nurture their wives as their own bodies, and wives are to respect their husbands, and that in a special way the former of these is grounded upon the fact that when we become married, we're one flesh. 00:08:06.240 --> 00:08:13.759 There's a new level of unity that happens in our relationship that's not true for you and your friend. 00:08:14.079 --> 00:08:25.519 There's a kind of union that you have when you become married that's described as one flesh, and there's an appropriateness with how you deal with your spouse. 00:08:27.360 --> 00:08:41.759 It should be worth pointing out that it's not that men don't have to respect their wives, and wives don't have to love, cherish, and nurture their husbands. 00:08:42.879 --> 00:08:49.759 It's that likely these are propensities that are put out there that are chosen to focus on. 00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:52.399 But husbands and wife are both one flesh. 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:54.399 They're one flesh to each other. 00:08:54.639 --> 00:09:06.639 And so if the one flesh relationship is enough to ground why husbands should cherish their wives, it should also hold as to why wives should cherish their husbands in the same way. 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:20.000 And so I want us to see that there's a there's a grounding here that's good for husband and wife, uh, a call for us to in fact cherish our spouses. 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:35.840 When we got married, most of us took a vow before the Lord and a church full of witnesses, perhaps, to cherish our spouse, to love and to cherish. 00:09:36.159 --> 00:09:42.240 And we took this vow before we really knew what was involved in it, isn't it? 00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:46.399 I once read a book where the author said it's kind of a cruel trick. 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:54.879 Uh we didn't know how hard marriage was going to be, and yet we make all these robust vows at the front end of them. 00:09:55.279 --> 00:10:00.639 And uh yeah, well, that's uh that's that ends up being a good idea. 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.240 Well, what does it mean to cherish? 00:10:09.279 --> 00:10:10.879 What does it mean to cherish? 00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:19.519 Uh, Gary Thomas, you might know this this author, he's a pastor and one of the foremost voices in evangelicalism today on marriage. 00:10:19.600 --> 00:10:22.960 He's written numerous books and radio programs and so forth. 00:10:23.200 --> 00:10:30.320 And he wrote a whole book on cherish, and he says that cherish is the one word that changes everything in marriage. 00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:32.639 That was his evaluation. 00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:37.039 Cherish is the one word that changes everything in marriage. 00:10:37.279 --> 00:10:47.360 Um, if you were to look at the Greek word that's translated cherish here, you'd you'd note that it it has connotations of imparting warmth. 00:10:47.759 --> 00:10:52.080 It means to comfort and to care for with tenderness of heart. 00:10:52.399 --> 00:11:01.919 It's used in 1 Thessalonians chapter 2 of a gentle mother who tenderly cares for her own children. 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:08.159 So if you want to get a picture of this, go to the nursery sometime at check-in and uh see these moms. 00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:21.679 And I'm thinking of newborns here, these new babies, and just how mothers, there's just a way they have uh about them, and the kinds of cherishing and cuddling and protection that happens there. 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:27.440 There's a deep heart of nurture built into moms for their own children. 00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:38.159 Um I'm not encouraging you to be around moms with adolescents to look for that trait, but um you can certainly see it in young children. 00:11:38.639 --> 00:11:49.840 Um I want you to think with me for a moment of an object, an object, not a person, but an object that you cherish. 00:11:51.360 --> 00:11:55.039 Maybe it's a vehicle with two or four wheels. 00:11:55.360 --> 00:11:57.039 Maybe it's a tool. 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:06.639 Maybe it's a musical instrument, an electronic device, an heirloom or a keepsake. 00:12:08.080 --> 00:12:15.759 Think with me for a moment about kind of what words would you put on how you feel about that object. 00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:32.399 Well, again, Gary Thomas put these kinds of words on, the kind of these are kind of emotional words that really put out there how we feel about somebody that we cherish. 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:37.039 Um we boast boldly and loudly about them. 00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:39.519 We think about with praise. 00:12:40.320 --> 00:12:44.960 We celebrate the best, we enjoy them a lot. 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:50.080 We delight in them and have passion for them. 00:12:52.480 --> 00:13:08.639 When I was thinking about uh the kind of objects that I have cherished over the years, it it just happened yesterday I was doing some work in my house and um I was using uh an impact driver, a cordless screwdriver, and I was just struck. 00:13:08.799 --> 00:13:18.080 Like my favorite tool of all time, I've had a lot of tools, and this is my absolute favorite tool, is this little uh DeWalt impact driver. 00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:25.120 It just like fits in your hand, and it's powerful enough to drive a six-inch screw straight through a two by four. 00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:30.320 And it's bright yellow, it's just beautiful, and I just like a work of art. 00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:33.919 And I was just sitting there admiring, it's like a man, I even got my wife. 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:40.480 I said, honey, this is just an amazing machine, and I love this, I just love this tool. 00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:50.879 Um so it's it's interesting how there are objects that we can really uh you know boast about and think about and enjoy a lot. 00:13:51.600 --> 00:14:00.080 Um this in fact is what we're called to do in our marriages with a person. 00:14:00.639 --> 00:14:08.399 This is the call of God, and it's one aspect of love and a critical aspect of love within a marriage. 00:14:08.639 --> 00:14:12.320 Um to cherish one another. 00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:18.559 Now I want to move on to a second movement and talk about the enemies of cherish. 00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:21.679 The enemies of cherish. 00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:36.720 Um, if you've been married more than a few years, you know that cherishing is not something that is unattested or that um won't be challenged in your own heart. 00:14:37.039 --> 00:14:46.480 There are many challenges that will come with this, and there are barriers that over the years we can build in our hearts towards one another. 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:50.240 Um these are the quagmires that we get into. 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:56.720 These are the enemies that work against our cherishing our spouse. 00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:07.440 And there are many of them, but I've highlighted a few of them just from my own experience and from my own pastoral experience over a couple of decades of visiting with people. 00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:15.600 Um, here are four of them that are worth kind of putting on the table for us, and we're going to do something with these a little later. 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:18.559 The first one is uh comparison. 00:15:19.919 --> 00:15:32.559 Oh, how comparing others is an enemy to our challenging, to our cherishing our own spouse, the unique spouse that God has given us. 00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:41.440 We compare other people, other women, other men, and their strengths that they have that come within our orbit of our lives. 00:15:41.679 --> 00:15:54.559 It's so easy to bring those in and to think, wow, I sure wish my spouse had those kinds of strengths or had those kinds of virtues or whatever it might be. 00:15:55.600 --> 00:16:02.720 In some ways, um you know how this goes, how this ruining power of comparison works. 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:06.960 Now, I once knew a cellist who had a perfectly fine cello. 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:19.279 It was good, good to go, uh, until they played a really fine instrument with like an$800 bow, you know, and it was it. 00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:23.039 It was like there's no going back at one level. 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:26.799 That the old cello just didn't do anymore. 00:16:27.120 --> 00:16:43.360 I had my own example of this several years ago when I had a conference in the Green Bay area, and I had rented, decided to rent a car, uh, and I went in for one of the economy models, and it was here in town, and it turns out it's the night before, and they didn't have my car. 00:16:43.759 --> 00:16:47.840 And they said, Well, I'm I'm you know, sorry we don't have any any vehicle for you. 00:16:47.919 --> 00:16:49.519 We're gonna we're gonna do our best to get it. 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:54.639 Turns out at the last moment they called me to come in. 00:16:54.799 --> 00:17:00.399 And when I got there, they were very apologetic and said, Listen, we can't give you the car you ask for. 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:05.039 Um, the only one we have is this Dodge Challenger. 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:12.799 This red brand new Dodge Challenger completely loaded. 00:17:13.039 --> 00:17:18.000 And if you know what a car guy I am, my jaw was literally on the floor. 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:20.079 Um, I thought, wow Lord, thank you. 00:17:20.160 --> 00:17:22.880 That I I see that that's that's amazing. 00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:29.119 Um and we got to drive this eight hours to and from Green Bay. 00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:31.599 I have to tell you, this is no kidding. 00:17:31.759 --> 00:17:37.039 When I got back and got in my car now, I drive a minivan. 00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:38.720 I have a lot of kids. 00:17:39.599 --> 00:17:41.119 I drive a minivan. 00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:50.160 Um and I could not believe the feelings of discontentment that just rose up in me. 00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:53.440 Like I hit the gas and this thing didn't go anywhere. 00:17:53.680 --> 00:18:01.839 And it was I was so discontented with this minivan, it wasn't even funny. 00:18:02.160 --> 00:18:16.799 And um, but you know, later I got to thinking about this minivan, and uh it wasn't like I was just putting a good face on this, but it's like, you know, this minivan was tailored for my life right now. 00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:18.960 It perfectly fits me. 00:18:19.200 --> 00:18:22.319 You know, I hauled deep freezes in this minivan. 00:18:23.119 --> 00:18:24.400 I've got seven kids. 00:18:24.480 --> 00:18:29.200 I can or I've got six kids, but I can haul seven kids, one of them and their friends. 00:18:29.279 --> 00:18:32.880 And and we I can haul a sheet of plywood. 00:18:32.960 --> 00:18:40.799 And I went fishing all summer and was able to just throw my stuff in, even the fish I was able to throw in there, and it's just fine. 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:42.799 This thing has all-wheel drive. 00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:47.039 I try driving a challenger in the winter if it doesn't have all-wheel drive. 00:18:47.200 --> 00:18:53.839 I mean, this thing has amazing traction, it does everything I needed to do, it's completely faithful. 00:18:54.000 --> 00:18:56.319 Um, I'm super thankful for it. 00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:00.960 Um, but for a while there I lost perspective. 00:19:01.519 --> 00:19:04.079 And you can do that in your marriage too. 00:19:04.799 --> 00:19:11.119 You can lose perspective on why God gave you the wife, the husband that He gave you. 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:14.720 And don't ever think that He didn't give you your spouse. 00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:24.319 In a man's heart, we direct, you know, we make our plans, but the Lord directs the steps. 00:19:25.200 --> 00:19:37.519 Even if you chose poorly, the Lord was behind ultimately in some mysterious kind of sovereign way, he was behind the spouse that you had or have. 00:19:38.079 --> 00:19:44.720 And there's a reason, there are divine reasons why you ended up with that spouse. 00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:50.319 So comparison is a really, really harmful road to go on. 00:19:50.640 --> 00:20:04.799 A second enemy of cherishing is maybe one of the most common for older marriages, are our past hurts that I'm just gonna call baggage, uh, emotional baggage, past hurts. 00:20:05.440 --> 00:20:23.200 Um you know, we do harm each other personally, deeply, we have injustice, we we betray each other, we have all kinds of ways in our learning how to love that we really do harm one another. 00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:32.160 And many times these are not dealt with well when they happen. 00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:36.319 And even if they're dealt with some, they're not dealt with deep enough. 00:20:36.559 --> 00:20:38.960 And there's bitterness that sets in. 00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:42.319 Um maybe there's a deep difficulty of forgiveness. 00:20:42.400 --> 00:20:58.880 Maybe the Lord is trying to going to use these kinds of hurts to um to really nurture and instruct us about what forgiveness is and how hard it is and um what it what it cost him to forgive us. 00:20:59.599 --> 00:21:04.960 So past hurts and baggage are huge barriers to cherishing. 00:21:05.279 --> 00:21:08.480 Um a third area is uh self-centeredness. 00:21:09.599 --> 00:21:10.880 Self-centeredness. 00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:16.640 Believe it or not, we are all addicts of self. 00:21:19.599 --> 00:21:24.319 I don't know how that hits you, but we're addicts of self. 00:21:24.880 --> 00:21:27.839 Even as born-again Christians, we still have the flesh. 00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:30.000 We're addicts of self. 00:21:30.240 --> 00:21:38.640 And we're just wired to serve ourselves in all kinds of ways that we're not even aware of. 00:21:39.440 --> 00:21:45.200 We're especially wired to to give back maybe what you give. 00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:48.079 I'm sorry, to give what you what you get. 00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:57.440 This is an easy kind of you can kind of see this with like the company you keep, you know, how bad company corrupts good character, or you see it with your children. 00:21:57.599 --> 00:21:59.759 You you can see some children break. 00:22:00.160 --> 00:22:01.279 Bring down other children. 00:22:01.440 --> 00:22:20.960 You can see that even in a even in a marriage where if you feel like you're not being cherished very deeply, then there's something in your self-addiction that justifies you not cherishing your spouse and to kind of give them the same level that you feel they give you. 00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:29.759 We think of this saying that Jesus said that, you know, what good is it to love those who love you back? 00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:32.720 Even sinners do that. 00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:37.599 It's a good word for us on that. 00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:44.880 Finally, this one may be the one of the more common ways, uh, settling for good enough. 00:22:45.359 --> 00:22:47.920 Just passivity in your marriage. 00:22:49.519 --> 00:22:56.720 You have a polite, friendly coexistence, but it's not a good marriage. 00:22:57.440 --> 00:23:02.640 You're not intimately close at really deep levels, and you're not even pursuing it. 00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:12.480 You've just grown passive and content to just kind of keep it on the down low with each other. 00:23:13.759 --> 00:23:15.359 There's kind of a word for this. 00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:19.920 Um I I'm thinking of this phrase of a symbiotic relationship. 00:23:20.559 --> 00:23:30.319 And if you search this on Google and push images, you'll get these images that you've seen many times, but one in particular, I know you've seen it. 00:23:30.720 --> 00:23:36.720 There's this crocodile, and he's got his jaw open with like chainsaw teeth there. 00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:39.119 And what's inside the croc? 00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:41.359 Yeah, you know it. 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:42.960 A bird. 00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:44.960 A bird is in there. 00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:54.720 So there's the classic symbiotic relationship where this croc would could easily benefit from the meal of this bird. 00:23:55.279 --> 00:23:57.200 But he's not going to do it. 00:23:57.599 --> 00:23:59.759 Because this bird gives him a service. 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:02.319 And this bird eats things out of his mouth. 00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:08.960 Oh, that's kind of gross, but he he he does things in there that are beneficial to the croc. 00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:19.359 And the bird is willing to take this risk and go in there because uh he gets a meal out of it, and he survives on that, and he was made for that. 00:24:20.720 --> 00:24:22.000 Let me just ask you a question. 00:24:22.160 --> 00:24:35.039 If I were to have an artist, if we could do this, if I had to have an artist kind of make a portrait of your marriage, like make a portrait of my marriage. 00:24:36.400 --> 00:24:42.720 And the artist came back with this crocodile with the bird in it. 00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:46.160 I mean, how would you feel about that? 00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:50.400 None of us would feel good about that. 00:24:52.160 --> 00:24:56.000 We know that the word of God calls us higher. 00:24:57.119 --> 00:25:01.279 And we it never does any good for us to kind of lower the standard. 00:25:01.839 --> 00:25:03.759 Let the standard be high. 00:25:03.920 --> 00:25:04.720 It is high. 00:25:04.880 --> 00:25:06.319 It's way up there. 00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:12.880 And God is inviting us in Christ to rise higher and to pursue that. 00:25:13.200 --> 00:25:19.039 Doesn't matter where our performance is, He's calling up to that, to beauty and to glory. 00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:24.079 And there's something in us that desires that. 00:25:24.240 --> 00:25:29.200 The Holy Spirit works this kind of desire in us to pursue that. 00:25:29.519 --> 00:25:50.000 So the question then is, as we kind of move to a third movement here, is how do we deal with something that's very high like this, when in fact maybe our own track record is not very good in this, or maybe we've just gotten in some ruts where we've grown comfortable in the kind of symbiotic direction. 00:25:51.440 --> 00:25:55.039 So I want to talk now a little bit about the road to cherish. 00:25:55.759 --> 00:26:00.000 And I know I've changed grammar here from cherish is normally a verb. 00:26:00.319 --> 00:26:07.279 Um, it's becoming a little bit of an adjective and noun in the fluidity of language, and so I'm using it as a noun here. 00:26:07.440 --> 00:26:09.599 Um, the road to cherish. 00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:18.799 Um the first thing I want to say about this is a I really want to ask a question. 00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:24.640 Is this an area that God wants you to focus on right now? 00:26:27.359 --> 00:26:29.839 That might seem like an odd question. 00:26:30.960 --> 00:26:37.920 I was really helped several years ago when a pastor asked that question in a seminar. 00:26:39.119 --> 00:26:47.440 And my instinct was, of course, he wants me to focus on everything, every week, what the sermon is, he wants me to focus on that. 00:26:49.039 --> 00:26:52.720 But it I want you to think about the impracticality of that. 00:26:52.960 --> 00:27:15.039 Every week, just in this room alone, if you come here every week, you hear a sermon, and a general sermon has a number of ways that we hold up the word of God, the call of God on our lives, and often contrast that with the actual ways that we struggle with that, and invite us to come higher, right? 00:27:15.200 --> 00:27:16.079 Come higher. 00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:20.559 And um how are you doing with that? 00:27:21.200 --> 00:27:27.200 Like, how much time can you focus on the weekly sermon? 00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:43.519 And add to that, if you listen to Christian radio and you read Christian books and you read scripture on your own, and you're in a life group or a Sunday school class, add those kinds of avenues to where you hear the Word of God and it's coming at you. 00:27:43.759 --> 00:27:49.359 You can't possibly focus deeply on all the areas that you're hearing. 00:27:51.200 --> 00:28:03.119 It doesn't mean you just put them to the side, but you can't really pursue them deeply and begin to really get some traction in those areas if you don't have focused time on them. 00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:10.960 So I think it's really worthwhile to think about: can I let God lead me? 00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:13.680 Will he lead me? 00:28:13.839 --> 00:28:24.960 Has he promised to be a leading God and to shepherd my soul as to the areas of rebellion and self-centeredness that he especially wants me to deal with right now? 00:28:25.119 --> 00:28:29.119 That in fact he's created a whole life circumstance for that. 00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:31.920 You've seen this a hundred times. 00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:33.839 Maybe you haven't put it together. 00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:39.119 You've seen it when pain comes into lives, dreams get shattered. 00:28:39.440 --> 00:28:40.799 What happens? 00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:50.640 I mean, God is orchestrating all kinds of things, and that becomes like a petri dish for amazing growth, oftentimes. 00:28:50.720 --> 00:28:52.720 It's when God gets our attention. 00:28:52.960 --> 00:29:00.240 And it's there are things that He's bringing to our mind, but can we trust Him to do that? 00:29:01.839 --> 00:29:14.240 If we don't do that, I think the temptation will be that in the long haul, for us to become numb and maybe even give up. 00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:23.440 One pastor of a movement, he's a really old-seasoned pastor, and he said, you know what I'm worried about in churches? 00:29:23.599 --> 00:29:25.440 Are the middle-aged men. 00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:31.440 There are scores of middle-aged men in our churches who have just given up. 00:29:31.680 --> 00:29:42.720 They've heard week after week the command to obey, to get it in line, to rise up, to follow after, to stop doing this and do this and do this and do this. 00:29:42.880 --> 00:29:47.440 And I'm not saying those are poorly given, but that's how they hear it. 00:29:47.599 --> 00:29:49.599 And it just never goes anywhere in there. 00:29:49.920 --> 00:29:57.279 They just have day after day, week after week, it piles up, and there can be just a kind of numbness in them. 00:29:57.440 --> 00:30:01.119 That, okay, uh, what's the use? 00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:02.960 One more sermon. 00:30:03.200 --> 00:30:05.680 One more sermon on controlling the tongue. 00:30:05.920 --> 00:30:08.079 Wow, that's just what I need today. 00:30:08.319 --> 00:30:13.279 I've heard a thousand of them, and I've never made any traction in that hardly at all. 00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:14.880 So, what's the point? 00:30:15.599 --> 00:30:21.920 You know, you get the spirit, I'm saying that's that's what numbness begins to look like, and even moving into bitterness. 00:30:25.920 --> 00:30:29.440 Is God leading you to deal with this? 00:30:29.759 --> 00:30:31.039 You can ask him. 00:30:32.720 --> 00:30:42.960 So, the road to cherish, the first thing I think it's important to know about this, it's right in our text actually, in is built into the word itself. 00:30:43.359 --> 00:30:46.480 That cherish is a heart category. 00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:51.519 It is not fundamentally a behavior category. 00:30:51.839 --> 00:31:00.079 Although behavior has a lot to do and is an important component of cherishing, it is a heart category. 00:31:01.920 --> 00:31:05.920 When you cherish something, you cherish it in your heart. 00:31:06.720 --> 00:31:11.200 You have a deep down affection and tender love for it. 00:31:13.200 --> 00:31:22.240 And if you don't have that there, you won't get it simply by doing certain things on the outside, although that might help. 00:31:22.720 --> 00:31:28.240 There's a piece of that that can help, but you won't get it merely by doing certain things. 00:31:29.599 --> 00:31:32.960 True cherishing has to come from the heart. 00:31:33.039 --> 00:31:40.000 Now, I'm gonna give you an example of this in this series I mentioned that um Gary Thomas taught. 00:31:40.319 --> 00:31:49.359 He gave an example of how when he was working on his book Cherish, he was in a hotel room with his wife, and his wife said, Uh, you know, Gary, I had a question for you. 00:31:49.519 --> 00:31:52.000 Um, do you remember your dreams? 00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:54.720 And he said, I don't know, not many. 00:31:54.799 --> 00:31:56.559 I just remember the bad ones. 00:31:56.799 --> 00:31:57.920 She said, Aha. 00:31:58.720 --> 00:31:59.680 Something like this. 00:31:59.839 --> 00:32:03.519 You know, uh, I think you have a vitamin B deficiency. 00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:22.480 He went on to point out that his wife is kind of a kind of a granola type with holistic medicine and organic food and um really traffics in that world and studies deeply in that world. 00:32:22.720 --> 00:32:27.759 And he said when he heard that, he just uh you know basically scoffed at her. 00:32:29.359 --> 00:32:30.960 And then it kind of hit him. 00:32:31.200 --> 00:32:40.160 He's writing a chapter on cherishing, and he just felt kind of mockery toward his wife. 00:32:40.319 --> 00:32:41.759 Of course, what would you expect? 00:32:41.920 --> 00:32:44.079 Give yourself permission to be human, Gary. 00:32:44.319 --> 00:32:46.079 Um, you are a sinner. 00:32:46.400 --> 00:32:53.039 But it he went on to say something that is that would be kind of how we might think about this. 00:32:53.279 --> 00:32:57.759 He went on to say, I wished I would have said something different. 00:32:59.680 --> 00:33:01.279 I wished I would have said something. 00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:07.200 I wished I would have said, oh honey, thank you for you know studying that. 00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:13.279 I I so appreciate your devotion to our the health of me and our family. 00:33:13.599 --> 00:33:20.000 And um, you know, that maybe not hit me really high right now about vitamin B, but I super appreciate it. 00:33:20.079 --> 00:33:22.240 You know, it's things along those lines. 00:33:22.559 --> 00:33:37.759 But especially talking to men here, isn't it true that when we hear things like that, we like to think, ah, I'm gonna learn how to say those kinds of things in the moment. 00:33:38.559 --> 00:33:41.200 I'm gonna learn how to say those in the moment. 00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:50.799 Um, what's not said is, you know, keep me out of trouble and I can do good as a husband and I can cherish my wife by saying the right kinds of things in the moment. 00:33:51.759 --> 00:33:58.880 I actually remember a time when I just was so frustrated, I just like even yelled out into myself. 00:33:59.039 --> 00:34:18.079 I just screamed and thought, for the umpteenth time, I had just said something to my wife, and I had kept telling myself, if I could only think ahead of time to say the right thing that would not that would keep me out of trouble, you know? 00:34:18.239 --> 00:34:20.719 Um, and I just wasn't able to do it. 00:34:20.880 --> 00:34:23.199 And you know why I wasn't able to do it? 00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:25.840 Because it's not what was in my heart. 00:34:26.320 --> 00:34:29.360 So what got me in trouble was what's in my heart. 00:34:30.719 --> 00:34:32.960 That's what gets me in trouble. 00:34:33.280 --> 00:34:44.000 It just leaks out, and no amount of study, of preparation, of memorization will ever help you with that. 00:34:44.480 --> 00:34:51.760 Nor is it the call of God because we're called to cherish from the heart, from the inside out. 00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:54.320 It's a tall, tall order. 00:34:54.559 --> 00:35:01.119 And so that leads us to another step here of true cherishing requires a tutor. 00:35:02.639 --> 00:35:04.480 It requires a tutor. 00:35:04.960 --> 00:35:08.880 We cannot learn to cherish on our own. 00:35:10.000 --> 00:35:16.239 But if we're a believer, we have a ready tutor living within us. 00:35:16.719 --> 00:35:28.480 We have a shepherd and savior who reigns in heaven, we have a father who has good works prepared in advance for us to do. 00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:39.360 And this is going to require a dependence upon this divine tutor for us to really begin to get traction. 00:35:40.719 --> 00:35:49.840 Again, I think we have to know that what we typically would want to do is we want to jump in and just start doing. 00:35:50.400 --> 00:35:52.559 We want to do the checklist. 00:35:53.360 --> 00:36:01.440 Now, in between hours, I lead a Sunday school group on marriage, and we're actually going through Gary's material on cherishing. 00:36:01.679 --> 00:36:05.599 And we have some video that we watch, and then we then we talk about this. 00:36:05.760 --> 00:36:13.760 And so I just so struck me in between these hours, since the last hour, you know, Gary gave this session, and he was giving five things. 00:36:14.320 --> 00:36:16.639 Five things you need to do to cherish. 00:36:17.760 --> 00:36:22.960 And like every one of them was like, whoa, whoa whoa, you know, wow. 00:36:23.679 --> 00:36:27.360 My mind was just whimming at the end of this. 00:36:27.599 --> 00:36:39.440 Like, um, okay, that's but there was something in me, there is something in me that wants to just dig in and start trying to do those. 00:36:39.599 --> 00:36:42.320 Just make a list and start trying to do things. 00:36:42.480 --> 00:36:54.480 You know, I'm gonna get up in the morning and I'm gonna say, I'm gonna make my wife a breakfast, and I'm gonna fix a drink for her, and I'm gonna say the right words for her, and I'm gonna try to do this, and so I'm just gonna get in and start doing. 00:36:54.719 --> 00:36:57.360 You know what this can actually end up being? 00:36:57.840 --> 00:37:00.000 It can be hiding from God. 00:37:01.840 --> 00:37:07.760 Because if you want to learn how to cherish, you've got to go somewhere first that you don't want to go. 00:37:09.199 --> 00:37:17.920 God wants to bring you to a place where you begin to see what is really in your flesh. 00:37:18.320 --> 00:37:34.000 Because what's keeping you from cherishing is a heart of rebellion that He is trying to sanctify, and that He is helping you put to death by engaging it little by little, as slow as it actually goes. 00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:40.880 It's a painful process. 00:37:42.480 --> 00:37:45.199 We're not even aware that we're doing this. 00:37:45.760 --> 00:37:53.440 You know, before we become Christians, we're we're we know we're alienated from God and from others. 00:37:53.840 --> 00:37:57.840 But do we know that we're alienated from ourselves as well? 00:38:00.079 --> 00:38:13.360 Isn't it interesting that the Savior who comes is oftentimes pictured in very symbolic ways of bringing good news to whom? 00:38:15.199 --> 00:38:19.840 The blind, the deaf, the lame. 00:38:21.360 --> 00:38:22.559 Why is that? 00:38:23.039 --> 00:38:32.320 What is it about the blind and the deaf and the lame that's so important that Jesus is always dealing with them? 00:38:33.519 --> 00:38:47.039 Sometimes you have a whole story that's built right around this, where Jesus walks into a whole group of blind and deaf and lame people and asks somebody, Do you want to be healed? 00:38:48.320 --> 00:38:51.519 Maybe those are pictures of human nature. 00:38:51.679 --> 00:38:56.320 And there's something so deep about us that we are, in fact, that kind of way. 00:38:56.480 --> 00:38:58.079 We're alienated from ourselves. 00:38:58.159 --> 00:39:05.840 We don't really know how blind we are and how deaf we are and how lame we are, powerless we are. 00:39:06.079 --> 00:39:18.559 And even as we become Christians, that's a slow maturing process that God works in us, that he begins to give us sight and begins to give us hearing. 00:39:18.880 --> 00:39:25.760 It's something he does, but it's something that we need to engage him for. 00:39:28.239 --> 00:39:34.800 And so the road to cherishing begins with the road of open honesty. 00:39:36.719 --> 00:39:44.320 It's not much difference than the road to controlling your tongue or the road to learning how to love anyone. 00:39:45.119 --> 00:40:06.559 It begins with the road, with the way of just an open honesty with God in your prayer life, of coming before Him the best you're able to, without pretense, and to say, Lord, I'm ready to be a student of what it means to cherish. 00:40:06.880 --> 00:40:10.559 I want to learn how to cherish my spouse. 00:40:10.719 --> 00:40:13.519 I want to know what's in the way now. 00:40:14.159 --> 00:40:17.440 I want to know why it doesn't just flow out of me. 00:40:18.800 --> 00:40:20.480 Would you be my teacher? 00:40:20.719 --> 00:40:24.800 Would you begin to unearth in me and show me? 00:40:27.199 --> 00:40:30.159 Where's my bitterness that's hidden from me? 00:40:31.840 --> 00:40:36.000 Where am I comparing my spouse that I haven't seen? 00:40:36.639 --> 00:40:45.360 Where do I have undealt with baggage that's just sitting there being a quagmire that I can't lift my boots out of? 00:40:45.679 --> 00:40:47.679 Where's their unforgiveness? 00:40:47.920 --> 00:40:50.239 Where's there a failing to honor? 00:40:50.480 --> 00:40:52.880 Where is there a failing to protect? 00:40:53.440 --> 00:40:58.559 You know, Lord, would you teach me the categories with my spouse in my life? 00:40:58.880 --> 00:41:00.719 Would you shepherd me? 00:41:02.559 --> 00:41:04.719 Does that sound refreshing to you? 00:41:08.239 --> 00:41:10.719 You know, you won't be disappointed. 00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:20.239 And God will show you those kinds of things, often in a conflict, often in a disappointing situation where you go away and feel hurt. 00:41:20.320 --> 00:41:24.400 And if you can bring yourself to say, Lord, what should I have seen in that? 00:41:26.159 --> 00:41:28.400 What should I have seen in that? 00:41:29.519 --> 00:41:37.760 God is amazingly faithful at giving sight to the blind for those who want to get well. 00:41:43.440 --> 00:41:49.440 Well, I want to kind of bring this to a conclusion, hopefully with an encouraging word on top of what we've said. 00:41:53.280 --> 00:41:57.039 You have the Holy Spirit living in you if you're in Christ. 00:41:59.599 --> 00:42:08.639 God Himself is in you with His desires and His power to transform. 00:42:10.559 --> 00:42:39.199 And He is willing, and He is able, and He is inviting you to come and to depend on Him and to begin to do the hard work and the courageous work of opening yourself to Him, being willing to confess what He shows you, being willing to just sit in that and being willing to ask Him, like, what's the way forward with that? 00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:46.880 How can I push into that particular thing you brought to me and really get more traction in that vein? 00:42:48.079 --> 00:42:51.440 Can you imagine if you did this for about six months? 00:42:51.840 --> 00:42:52.880 What this would look like. 00:42:52.960 --> 00:42:57.280 If this was just like back here, front burner, side burner, spinning. 00:42:58.639 --> 00:43:05.519 Like what difference that would make in your marriage for you. 00:43:09.199 --> 00:43:15.199 But I do think that to do this, there's something crucial you have to have in place. 00:43:15.519 --> 00:43:20.000 You have to have the gospel in place. 00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:30.960 You've got to have firmly grounded and trusting in that God loves you in Christ. 00:43:31.920 --> 00:43:50.320 That your standing with him is in Christ, that your righteousness is on his performance, not on your performance, that his delight in you is because Christ was righteous, and now you're trusting in him, and you have his righteousness imputed to you. 00:43:50.480 --> 00:43:58.639 And so you can face the worst truth about your flesh and your sinful nature and not be sunk. 00:44:02.960 --> 00:44:06.239 If that's not encouraging to you, I don't know what is. 00:44:07.199 --> 00:44:12.880 You can face the worst about you in God's presence and not be sunk. 00:44:15.519 --> 00:44:18.159 But you have to have the gospel in place. 00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:29.840 Where you have backdoor works coming in saying, Oh, you can't open like that to God. 00:44:31.360 --> 00:44:33.679 He's so disappointed in you. 00:44:33.920 --> 00:44:40.639 He's so, you are such a failure as a husband, as a wife. 00:44:41.199 --> 00:44:43.519 No, no, don't go there. 00:44:45.920 --> 00:44:51.440 This is what the scriptures are calling, is calling us out into the open, and that's freedom. 00:44:51.840 --> 00:44:53.280 That's freedom. 00:44:54.880 --> 00:44:56.800 May we leave here today. 00:44:59.840 --> 00:45:08.719 With a fresh commitment to pursue that kind of freedom and openness and honesty in Christ. 00:45:09.360 --> 00:45:15.599 You join me as I close us in prayer and as the web comes up to lead us in a closing song. 00:45:18.639 --> 00:45:35.679