Episode #258 - Repentance & Mental Illness

Repentance is such a different process when you live with mental illness.

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Welcome to Episode #258 – Repentance & Mental Illness.  There is not likely a subject more reviewed within the gospel than the idea of repentance or spiritual change.  So often the word feels daunting and relentless, like an endless list of things to do and to accomplish that just buries you in quantity and weight.  Repentance at its very core is the act of spiritual change brought about by our willingness and the Savior’s atonement.  That is all it is.  However, parsed out into its facets and daily practices it can simply be overwhelming to the mortal mind.  Every thought, desire, action that needs to realign to the Savior’s will and way of thinking.  When you add a mixture of mental and emotional illness repentance can truly feel bewildering to the soul.  What one finds when working with mental and emotional illness is that the process of repentance might look very different in certain ways.

For instance, let’s take the case of a young adult woman Casey who has gotten herself into some addictive behaviors.  She has tried everything to rid herself of the problems she faces.  While she has never used hard drugs she just can’t seem to remove herself from some prescriptions and THC once in a while.  Both would be just fine if under a doctors supervision but they aren’t and so the used of drugs crosses that border of what is justified and what is not.  She has attempted to quit these drugs and coffee for at least a couple of years but has never been successful.  She can seem to quit for about two months but then suddenly she is back where she started.  She sincerely repents every time she quits and asks for help in every silent prayer but she doesn’t seem to be able to overcome the habit.  She feels frustrated.  Worried that she will never be able to fix the issue and worse yet she feels that if she can’t quit all her efforts to repent are worthless.  She can’t get past the emotions to the other side of the problem.  If she can’t quit then she will never be able to truly repent.  These thoughts along with depression-like emotions lead to the idea that she will never be able to repent or overcome her problems and so she gives into the idea that she will never be good enough.  Now that thought is a little strange but it comes regularly.  The idea that somehow we need to be good enough to access the atonement.  And good enough means that we commit the sin no more.  She cannot seem to stop committing the sin and so she deems herself unworthy of celestial life and unreachable by the atonement.  Not because the atonement can’t erase sin, it is because she continues to repeat the sin that she condemns herself.

Let’s take Karri now as example #2.  She is a hard-working mother with three young children.  She does everything for her children and her husband and still never feels good enough.  She feels she yells too much.  Get’s frustrated too often.  Doesn’t listen to her children like she should.  She feels she is losing her love from them and resenting some things they do.  She never feels at peace or happy anymore and any time she tries to talk to her husband, he listens but doesn’t really understand.  She is at the breaking point of her emotional balance and can’t seem to find any grip on a sinking hillside.  She doesn’t know what to do.  She prays. She serves. She listens for revelation.  She does everything and more and but can no longer feel the gospel in any reasonable way.  She doesn’t feel the Spirit like she used to.  She always feels guilty or as if she hasn’t done enough.  The more she doesn’t the worse she feels.  She repents all the time but doesn’t eve know if that is working.  She feels stuck, lost and hopeless.

Let’s take Joe as example #3.  Joe is a hardworking father of two little children and a wonderful wife of seven years.  He loves his family and what he does for work but lately he has just been on edge and angry all the time.  He has been short with his wife and his children for no real reason.  He has no energy to do anything after work but sleep and sometimes putter around in the shop.  He has no real desire or goals and even small things seem to set him off.  He has talked about it with his wife several times but really can’t seem to find any answers.  He just wants to feel energetic like he used to and enjoy life.  Now everything is drudgery and he feels like he will never be good enough for the Lord and his gospel.  He works around guys that live very different lives and he often gets invited.  He has been tempted and even gone along sometimes but their life is looking all that much more entertaining.  They seem far happier than he is and he can’t tell why.  He has stopped reading the scriptures as he wasn’t getting anything out of them anyway and attends church but doesn’t stay for any extra meetings.  Sports and Saturday and Sunday are his only get away and while he doesn’t argue with his wife they haven’t been happy for some time.  He just doesn’t feel worthy or capable of being a member of the church.  He just doesn’t feel his testimony any longer.

Now let’s look at some similarities between these examples and some differences.  The first similarity we note is that each of these individuals are in the covenant path doing what they should be doing.  They are what we call good members of the church.  Yes they are struggling but trying to do what they should and repent when they feel they should.  So the first thing we notice is that their emotional balance does not match what it should.  Given their assumed backgrounds and what we know each is living a good life and should have some level of peace, assurance and happiness that they are not feeling.  This is the first indicator that mental and emotional illness might be at play in your life.  When your external circumstances and your actions do not produce the emotional responses you desire, then something is wrong with the system.  Your spiritual emotional system is built to respond positively to behaviors that are similar to the Savior and negatively to those opposed to him.  When your emotions do not match your efforts then one must consider the mortal emotional system and a likely imbalance.

The next similarity is subtle but present.  It is that each did not feel worthy in some way.  They felt hopeless and helpless to control the emotional issues in their life.  This condition of feeling worthless is one definitive sign that someone needs help and that mental and emotional illness is a part of the issue.  Mental illness, especially anxiety and depression will make one feel worthless and hopeless.  One never really feels whole or complete no matter the effort or persistence.  Even the effort feels invaluable and worthless.  What we find in cases of mental health is that self-worth is often severely diminished or non-existent.

The third similarity may not be as easy to see but it deals with the first two.  In each case, the individuals were not able to access necessary personal revelation to resolve the emotional conflict.  It is as though the heavens are shut and access is limited to a need to know basis and you were not on the list.  Personal revelation is so incredible important to our lives, so central to our being that when we do not have it we slowly deteriorate emotionally.  We need revelation to help us to see truth and to feel the comfort that we are doing just fine.  We need to know that despite our difficulties we are going to make it to celestial life and be exalted.  We need to feel peace and joy regularly.  We need to feel the Savior near.  When we are doing those things that please the Lord and we struggle to feel any peace, comfort or happiness then it is time to check our mortal emotional balance.

The fourth and final similarity is that each struggles with their relationships not because they are not trying but because they can’t feel loved or worthy.  We first must feel worthy of love to feel love.  We must feel worthy of happiness to feel happiness.  We also must induce the right chemistry from the spiritual well.  When we do not our relationships will break down quickly.  Depression and anxiety robs the individual of the ability to focus outward on others.  It takes energy to maintain a relationship and for those who suffer that energy is all spent managing and pushing against the illness.  We spend so much time taking care of our emotional needs just to stay alive we have no room for others.  And sadly that destroys relationships.  Almost every relationship we have is a balance of give and take.  When you have nothing to give and you only take, individuals who do not understand your illness will tend to find another friend.  This naturally compounds the issues for those who suffer as they are often left on islands and left without sufficient emotional support.

There are some other things to note in these three examples about mental and emotional illness that are important to church and its doctrine.  The first is that you will never fix things like addiction until you first manage the mental illness.  If Casey had understood that she suffered from moderate depression and it was the depression that was causing her addiction issues, she might have approached the repentance process very differently.  Because her actions were influenced heavily by the mental illness, she would need to address the illness, which in turn would allow her to effectively manage the addiction.  So repentance for Casey was not really about the addiction but about the illness and learning to manage the illness so that she could manage the addiction.  Is the addition still sin?  Yes it is but not the same sin as addiction brought about by other sources.  The Lord provides additional mercy when extenuating circumstances cause such issues to arise.  And that means  we simply have greater access to help us overcome our illness and the sin.

The second thing we should note is found in Kassi and Joe’s example.  When we are living the gospel, working hard and we are not feeling the spirit, happiness and joy, then it is time to consider that mental and emotional illness might be playing a large factor.  So many wonderful sisters get caught in the ideals of perfectionism trying to earn the prize and find themselves overworked and exhausted really unable to feel anything.  We should be careful with the mantra, do more, serve more, be more when considering why we are unhappy or not at peace with our lives.  If we are living the gospel then we should feel peace and joy regularly.  This doesn’t mean that we will feel it all the time but regularly.  If you are living the gospel and not finding peace regularly then mental illness is likely the cause is some way.  You may need some greater amounts of Vitamin D or several good conversations with someone who can help, or even other types of medications.  The key is to understand that living the gospel should bring us happiness and peace regularly even when we are under stress.

The final note for today with are three examples is to note one very common theme between them.  They feel lost, unworthy, and incapable of exaltation.  When you feel unworthy or incapable of exaltation you can know without a doubt that Lucifer is involved.  If Lucifer can get you to feel worthless and hopeless then he can do whatever he wants with you.  I have not discussed much about the demons that surround us as I don’t like mentioning them at all.  But you must know they exist and are as real as the Savior himself.  When you are downtrodden and weary, they know you are vulnerable and they will attack relentlessly and most often they attack our self-worth.  If they can get us to feel worthless and hopeless they can lead us.

I know how impossible it is sometimes to feel any worth of soul.  When the emotions have overtaken the body and mind, to think beyond the darkness is difficult.  So today I have one quick story to end my ramblings.  It comes from my sacrament meeting today.  The stake presidency member got a short few minutes and he related a story from Sis Nelson.  This comes from one of her talks.  She was visiting a ward council and the stake president asked the group a question.  Do you believe that you will become exalted?  The question was obvious.  Am I going to make it?  You can imagine the responses from very tentative to perhaps to I have a shot.  The stake president didn’t hesitate when he said to them, “You are close, so very close to exaltation and perfection.  In fact, you are shockingly close.”  The problem with the darkness we face with mental illness is that it doesn’t relent to the light so that you could be so close to exaltation and yet feel so far away.  I would agree with this stake president that you would be shocked to know just how close you are to exaltation.  So shocked that it would give you sufficient hope to endure this life with a grin on your face.  You would never complain again.  May the Lord help you to see his face.  To know of his presence.  To know of his love for you.  And most of all to know just how shockingly close you are to making celestial life.  Until next week do your part so that the Lord can do his.