Episode #272 - Lot's Wife & Healing

We are not sure why exactly Lot's wife was told not to look back or why she did but the command to not look back has been part of the gospel for a very long time.  And for good reason.

Transcript

Welcome to Episode #272 – Lot’s Wife & Healing.  What does Lot’s wife from the Old Testament and Healing have to do with one another?  I hope that you will listen today and find out.  

Now Lot’s wife gets a terrible reputation for looking back to see Sodom and Gomorra destroyed and then reaping the punishment as a pilar of salt.  We tend to think that because she looked back she had somehow sinned in doing so.  Actually we don’t know why the angels told them not to look back and we don’t know why she looked back.  We just assume sin because the punishment doesn’t make sense otherwise.  The truth is she could have been looking back knowing she still had children and maybe grandchildren in the city.  Which it appears she had at least children left in the city.  She could have been frightened by the inevitable explosion and in a moment forgot.  We simply are not told.  I try not to condemn her for her actions in the sense of sin.  I like to think that it was more innocent and like the priest who steadied the ark, the punishment was affixed no matter the reason.  For now, I just don’t think we have enough information which I think is true about most stories in the Old Testament.  But her looking back presents an opportunity for us to examine our own lives in the sense of looking back.

What do I mean by looking back?  And why is it so bad for our mental health?  Looking back requires reliving a portion of our life mentally and emotionally.  If it weren’t for the emotions, I would think that looking back on our past wouldn’t be so bad.  But we tend to relive the moment rather than just recall it.  Emotions return, the event replayed and we can relive the wounding and hurt that took place.   This reinforces the wound.  Now there are individuals that will tell you that you need to work through that hurt and I will agree that working through it or living and accepting it is part of the process.  Sometimes we don’t accept what has happened to us.  Our brain finds it so offensive or become so traumatized that we bury certain things in our lives.  The act of burying is actually a problem, not the solution.  So yes we need to unbury our past but we do not need to wallow in it.  We need to accept the hurt but then allow for the healing.  We do not need to carry around others evil actions that have come upon us like a cross or a badge of honor.  Carrying our wounds as a badge of honor causes the wound to become consistently open to infection and ultimately these badges of honor become the chains that bind us down to unhappiness and misery.  There is no happiness in seeking another’s punishment.

What we need is the event to be reconciled and healed in our hearts.  This means that we may not forget the event but the emotions that open the wound have been extinguished.  This will be difficult for many individuals as they can feel that justice will not be served.  Forgiveness allows for the sinner’s escape, you might say.  When will they feel the pain that I do.  When will they suffer as I have.  What if the Savior just forgives them and they never feel the pain.  While I have felt these very thoughts regularly, there is something that doesn’t make sense in all of it.  Why would someone else’s pain allow me to heal?  Why would the punishment of my abuser cause be to feel justified and then to be somehow whole.  While the injury may have occurred through another person, injuring that person does not cause us to be emotionally whole suddenly.  In fact, emotional wholeness as it might be called has very little to do with the justice served upon another.

Emotional wholeness is centered in Jesus Christ and his atonement.  Meaning healing doesn’t not come out of justice.  Healing comes out of mercy and forgiveness.  So why do we have such developed reflexes when it comes to the punishment of others.  Why do we deeply desire that others pay for their sins?  Not just deeply desire it but come to the emotional point of action.  What is it about justice that causes us to seek pain, suffering and misery upon others.  I have often mentioned in these podcasts that our sense of justice is likely due to the premortal world.  I am certain that we learned justice very well from our heavenly parents and our brothers and sisters.  The reality is that the entire plan of salvation depends upon justice and mercy.  We know justice but mercy is another matter.  I also believe that our mortal bodies are configured for justice rather than mercy.  The fight or flight mode that we so commonly feel is by its very nature inward focused and that tends towards justice.  If someone lashes out as us, it is this feeling of fight or flight that causes us to seek out justice.  The mortal body also seems to favor fairness over what mercy often requires.  Mercy does not look like fairness from the outside.  It looks more like tolerance and capitulation than is really is.  The problem with mercy is that it is immediate and justice is deferred.  That is one of the major benefits of the atonement, deferred justice.  Justice will have its day but not entirely right now.  Justice is postponed until later to allow for learning and growth.  Without this time period of deferred justice, life would be nothing more than a daycare.  

Mercy almost seems to give forgiveness without concern for the innocent victim.  While outwardly this appears true.  Mercy is not a flowing fountain that everyone gets regardless of what they do or how they approach mercy.  Mercy has significant requirements that must be met or justice will have its day.  The sinner is not allowed to go on being a sinner and still receive the benefits of mercy.  Now don’t get me wrong here.  There is a significant difference between the person trying and working to live their covenants and erase sin in their lives asking for mercy and the person who simply does not care to change asking for mercy.  One does receive mercy even though they may sin again.  The other does not.  

I do recognize that many individuals who committed sins upon another will not feel the same pain and suffering as the innocent victim.  Meaning they may receive mercy and not have to pay the full price of the sin.  That was the point of the atonement.  If we could pay the full price and be forgiven then we wouldn’t need the atonement.  However, given the Savior’s description of his pain in Doctrine and Covenants 19, I have no doubt not one of us desires to pay the full price. 

The Process of Healing is what we really desire.  Ultimately, it does not matter if someone pays a price for their sin if we are healed.  Thus our healing will have little to do with the perpetrator of the sin and everything to do with seeking to forgive and heal.  The Process can take time and or the hurt and pain can also be erased instantaneously.  The key to understanding the process is to fully involve the Lord.

The first step in the process is not the easy one.  We must recognize the hurt and pain.  We don’t need to relive it but we do need to recognize it and confront it.  This means we must bring it to our minds to allow the Savior and the spirit to heal the wound.  We must pray about it, what we must do and how we must go about forgiving and healing the emotional wound.  We must consistently seek to find healing and peace with the sin that was forced upon us through prayer and opportunities that might arise.

Second in this process is time.  Every hurt will take time to heal.  Just like the physical body the emotional body must heal.  We so often forget about this part of our body but in reality it is the most significant portion of our lives.  Healing the emotional is not entirely like healing the physical in the sense that you know about how long a broken leg takes to heal.  Emotional trauma is not as easy to predict because it is based on your past, your emotional tendencies, how you were raised, your culture, your social groups.  Emotion is a learned and a genetic response.  And we each have emotional weaknesses and strengths.  So timing is generally a combination of our own emotional state, our actions to resolve the hurt and the Lord’s healing.  Just as a note about the Lord’s healing.  While there are times the Lord stretches things out for our benefit, he never extends suffering or pain any longer than necessary.  This is especially true when we are innocent victims.  So when we ask the Lord to heal us, the atonement takes immediate effect depending upon our faith and diligence to our covenants.

The third part of the process is patience.  We must be patient with the process.  If you broke your leg, you would expect to be less than mobile for a time.  Emotionally we may not entirely be ourselves for some time after the event and many times the event is what is causing our mental illness.  We need to be patient with our emotions and work to remove them.

This is the fourth part of the process and this is our part of it.  We need to continue to bounce hurtful feelings out of our brain as best we can.  We need to avoid looking back and reliving our suffering, hurt and pain.  We need to avoid living in the past and returning to old grievances.  Now I recognize the difficulty of my statements because I have been there.  But I have also been on the other side of the equation where peace fills the heart. As we do this the Lord will augment our efforts and soon enough we will not feel those heart rending emotions.  Now as we do this we should not think that we must do it all.  Ultimate healing comes in the form of peace and that comes of the spirit of the Lord.  In addition, we must work to avoid being the victim again and avoid places and people for a time that might cause the grievances to return to our lives.  It is OK to avoid individuals that cause pain and suffering and would continue to inflict it.  My heart goes out to those who are in abusive situations and where continual emotional suffering is a part of life.  We should do everything in our power to remove ourselves from abuse and abusive individuals as we will struggle to heal in their presence.  It is possible that one day you might be able to return to be in their presence but that will depend upon them.

The fifth part of the process is to take time for yourself to heal.  This means spend time in peaceful places and with peaceable people.  The more often you can place yourself in peaceful places, the faster your recovery is likely to be.

Sixth, the forgiveness part.  Forgiveness of another is one of my top five most difficult things to accomplish in this life and the greater the pain and suffering the greater the difficulty to forgive another person.  Forgiveness does not come easy to us.  While there are many reason why including protecting ourselves from greater hurt, forgiveness does not provide value to anyone but you.  Yes your perpetrator might be grateful but they might not be.  Forgiveness is your peace with the matter.  That you have given all over to the Lord and allow him to make the decision.  The Lord also provides this gift abundantly to those who seek it.  If you are an innocent victim, then you are entitled to the Lord’s help in forgiving another.

Now forgiving another does not mean that we allow them to hurt us again or to continue to hurt us.  We can build some walls for our personal protection.  However, be cautious with building walls as eventually you will need to deconstruct them.  That may not be in this life but nonetheless you will need to eventually deconstruct those walls.  But for a time they can be a protection to you.  Forgiveness does not mean that I am going to give my full trust again right away.  Trust can be earned again with diligent efforts. Forgiveness also does not mean that if a crime is committed we are going to look the other way.  Laws of the land protect us and provide security and safety.  Ignoring those laws does not provide a benefit to the perpetrator.   What forgiveness does mean is that you eventually hope the best for the individual.  That you do not think evil of them and that they will eventually find repentance and the Savior.  However, that is the final goal and it is likely to come in stages.  We are likely going to start with the desire for full justice immediately and then soften our hearts over time to see them as the Lord does.

Don’t get me wrong, this can take significant time but we can lengthen that time if we refuse our side of the efforts to forgive.  

Now are there times when we should look back.  Well I think that our nature to do so is already set.  I don’t think we need to develop that side of things.  Our development should always be to give the benefit of the doubt and to seek the welfare of everyone.  However, yes looking back in healthy positive ways is acceptable.  When we look back in health positive ways, by the way this should always be with the Lord we should never look back on our own, looking back to wonderful days and events in our lives can be a spring of knowledge and positive feedback about our growth in mortality.  However, do so with caution and always with the Savior.

Finally as we look again at Lot’s wife and whatever influenced her to look back, we should recognize that the Savior has stated through various means that looking back in mortality is rarely a good thing.  The past can haunt us and cause us to commit sin and follow in previous paths.  We can get caught in a loop that I will never overcome this.  I can never get out of this.  I am who I am and even the Lord in not able to change me.  The past rarely if ever comes to us with sunny days and found memories.  More often it comes in the voice of Lucifer telling us we are not good enough to be with the Savior.  And that is categorically false.  We are worthy and capable of being with the Savior through the atonement.  I hope today you can begin that process of healing the past so that your future will be bright.  Until next week.  Do your part so that the Lord can do his.