Episode #281 - The Road to Emmaus

Often our road to Emmaus is filled with perils, roadblocks, inclines and danger and like the disciples we can be traveling with the Lord and not even know it.

Transcript

Episode #281 - The Road to Emmaus

It has been some time since I last recorded an episode.  I’ve been through one of those rough spots that seem to come around all too often for those of us who have been called to work through mental illness.  I really thought that by this time in my life I would be free from such difficulties or at the minimum a reduced sentence.  And that perhaps I would have learned all the lessons that can be taught from such a trial. As of yet I still seem to be afflicted in troubling and difficult ways.  With my autoimmune disease as an intertwined and complicating factor, I seem always to be in a limited condition.  Over the last several years I feel like the man on the side of the road who was passed by the priest and the Levite and waiting for a kind Samaritan that never seems to appear.  Autoimmune disease and mental illness always have a perception problem.  Unlike the man on the road who had been beaten and stripped of his valuables, I have no marks to show my battle scars.  Outwardly I look as capable as any man with gray hair and a slowing body.  But inside is an entirely different matter.

If one could actually look inside my body into the soul, I am afraid that I would look far worse than the man saved by the Samaritan.  And for me it is hard to admit that I have a very limited capacity.  Call it my upbringing.  Call it pioneer stock.  Call it what you will but my mind has not yet caught up to the fact that I am very limited in my abilities.  And it isn’t just my physical abilities.  My emotional capacities seem to be as limited as my physical ones.  I fear someone asking me to do anything right now in my life as my mind wants to say yes but my emotions and body are screaming, go ahead give it shot and see what happens.

The scriptures don’t talk much about limited capacity or what to do when you find yourself so deeply buried in physical and emotional weakness.  Yes they say to plead to the Savior for relief.  And I do and I have no doubt that he provides it but rarely in the manner and quantity that I desire.  Just last weekend I had a couple of those suicide days.  Not that I would commit suicide.  I’m not there.  The thoughts come much easier some days than others.  And I seem to have very little control as to when those days come.

I admit that I understand many of the purposes of trials at least spiritually and logically but those purposes don’t seem to temper the storms of emotions.  I had someone ask me the other day what do you do when those suicide days come.  I sincerely wished that I had an “easy button” response.  But I didn’t and that is because it doesn’t exist.  If one existed they would have found it long ago.  That is not to discourage those who are still looking but to provide reality and a context for the illness.  Mental illness is not likely to be cured.  And that is an important statement.  Can it be tempered.  Yes.  Can it be moderated.  Certainly. But with increased stress on the body, spirit and mind, the ensuing darkness always seems to return.  Almost as if it is just waiting in the background for just the right moment to interrupt one’s life.  I have now been afflicted almost forty-five to fifty years.  I have tried about everything one can to lift the burden of the illness.  I have found peace in the chaos but also disabling doubt.  

It will be true for almost everyone who suffers.  Doubt will always be a companion to mental illness.  And not just doubt about God or the religion we so love.  Doubt comes in many forms including relationships, doubt in our emotions, doubt in our thoughts and even doubt in what is real and what is not.  I don’t think that my doubt will ever entirely subside until I pass through that portal of death.  Then perchance my soul will be able to heal the hole and darkness that always seems to be present.

I don’t mean to be depressing and downcast today.  That really isn’t my intent.  So often I talk about healing and the power of the Lord to lift our burdens but I don’t talk much about carrying them.  And we do carry them.  I carry them regularly and I think that it is important to understand that even those of us who advocate for the Lord and his mercy often carry difficult and heavy burdens.  We don’t let others see into us for fear that we will be rejected for those burdens.  And so we often carry them alone and with the Lord, wondering why they are so heavy and difficult to bear if we are wearing the Lord’s yoke.

I suppose that we shouldn’t think that the Lord’s yoke will always be light in the sense of the scripture that discusses it.  Light is a comparative term.  What I might see as light others might see as heavy.  My burdens are light only compared to what I would be carrying without the Lord’s yoke upon me.  When we think of light burdens, we often stretch that descriptive adjective to the extreme.  We think light burdens should be easy to carry and cause us very little difficulty.  But that is contrary to the Lord’s statements about the pathway we are required to follow.  The Lord speaks of chastising those who follow him.  He talks about pruning and sorting out the wheat from the tares.  He speaks of all these things that will turn out for your good.  That doesn’t sound like a comfortable road to me.

As I have applied the principle of narrowing the gap between the Lord and I, and coming closer to him.  I have found the road increasingly uphill and fraught will all types of difficulty.  The burden has been anything but light at least in my definition of light.  The more I try, the more difficult it seems to be.  I think that for most of us, it is counterintuitive that once we have joined the army of the Lord that we are required to pass through a difficult bootcamp of training.  And not just a short period of training but a lifetime of training.  It seems the more of ourselves that we give to him the more he places us in uncomfortable situations.  I know that if we give ourselves over to the Lord, he can do miracles.  I just never understood that miracles come as we are placed in difficult circumstances where rather than simply desiring a miracle, we need one.  It is almost as if we are moved from one difficult circumstance to another troubling encounter without even a reprieve.

I admit that I feel very much as if I have little to no control over my circumstances and even my mind and spirit.  I often feel that I have little time to rest or catch my breath before the next wave of issues and concerns fall at my feet.  Because of my illness, I often feel as though I have nowhere or no one to turn to for help.  

I am perceived as the strong one, the spiritual one, the one who knows the Lord.  And yet so often I feel lost in a midst of trouble and turmoil barely able to function and perform what limited things I can.  I worry that I am simply not enough for my family, friends and colleagues.  I worry that my body and spirit will fail again at the worst possible moment.  And yet I have seen so many wonderful miracles in my life.  I suppose that sometimes I feel like Alma wanted to do more such as sound a trump like an angel.  But like Alma I should be content with what the Lord has given me and continues to give me.

I find contentment difficult.  I am rarely content with my capacities and abilities.  I am consistently asking for more from the Lord.  And certainly he gives what I need but certainly not what I want.  I want to be able to do more than simply go to work and provide for my family and yet I suppose that I should be content with that ability as many do not possess it.  And perhaps that is a miracle in and of itself given my medical and illness history.  I think that we all want to be the sons of Helaman and go forth in battle receiving wounds but not death and capable of accomplishing great feats of strength and honor.  I suppose that I am not content with my five talents or even one talent.  I desire to have the ten and to give another ten but that hasn’t been my path.  I have been given limited capacity and only the five talents and even only the one at times.

But the Lord didn’t seem to be concerned about the number of talents when he gave the parable, only what we do with them.  It is almost as if very few ever get the ten talents.  Most of us will need to be content with five or even one and sometimes less than one.  Contentment is difficult when others around you seem to have a few more talents and capacities at their disposal.  I suppose that contentment is driving comparison from one’s mind and accepting that talents and abilities we were given.

Even then when we have driven comparison to others from our minds, we still struggle with internal comparison problems.  I expect to lose capacity as I age.  I expect that aches and pains will increase but I still, even after 40 years of mental illness, struggle with my lack of emotional fortitude and physical abilities.  My mind is always thinking that I can do far more than I really can.  That battle of perception and reality is my greatest struggle.  Don’t get me wrong I think we all struggle with it, even those who don’t suffer illness.  But mental illness makes it all the more difficult to manage.  When you don’t exactly know when anxiety or depression will interrupt your life, life becomes more of a day to day, hour to hour, management and the mind simply does not work in that manner.  The mind expects that our emotional status and our physical status will be as it always has been.  And for some reason it doesn’t take into account that you have had many serious episodes.  And so when mental illness comes the body resists and is surprised by its appearance.  And then the mental fight ensues as to how to rid the body of the invading emotional force.  It searches for answers that often don’t exist and wears itself out trying to fix the problem.

What has been helpful and continues to be helpful to me is to recognize the illness when it comes.  Call it out and acknowledge that it exists.  Sometimes the acknowledgement is all that is needed to help calm the storm a little.  It doesn’t necessarily take away all of the pain and suffering but it gives that suffering a reason to exist and that helps the mind.

I have also found recently, over the last several years, that daily bread is incredibly important to management of the illness.  I take medications and manage my stress level.  Attempt to exercise as much as I can with the autoimmune issues. I do those things that would help to moderate the illness. I certainly pray about my illness in general and more specifically but I have found that being more specific on a daily basis as to my needs seems to provide more of the things I need in my life.  I can’t just pray once and ask that the Lord give me the strength to do what I need to and that prayer works for the rest of my life.  It seems that I daily need to address each specific issue and ask for the help I need with that issue.  The Lord is in the details and I have found that he wants details. And so my prayers have moved from more general terms to more specific ones.

I have also found that building oneself upon the rock does not stop the hail, rain or the floods but it certainly helps one not to be drowned in the high waters or sink in the wet sand.  The further we move away from the Lord, the greater the emptiness we find and the more time we spend filling it with things that do not quench our emotional desire.  Yes the church and its precepts can be daunting if you really think about all you should be doing. And that can create anxiety, although it really shouldn’t.  The Lord isn’t asking us to do all those things right now but as we are able to do them. Sometimes when all you have is one talent, then you work with what you have and the Lord is no disappointed but grateful that with such limited capacity you are still willing to do what he asks.  Even is what he asks is small and insignificant.

The truth is you can face the rain, wind, hail and floods with or without the Lord.  But nonetheless you will face those perils. Better to be upon the rock of the Lord than in the sands of despair when the winds start to blow.  We are going to face the trials we need in this life and we can do it with the Lord or without him.  Sure you might survive a few storms without him, turning rather to selfishness and pride.  But in the end without the Lord you will not survive the trials assigned to you before this earth.  We don’t get to choose the talents or the timing.  We only get to choose how to apply those talents.

It is my hope and the hope of this podcast that in your trials and suffering, as deep as it may be, that you find the Lord there waiting for you.  He may not come as you expect and you might be on your own road to Emmaus and you aren’t yet prepared to see him.  But as the trial nears its end and the evening comes, he will be there and you will see him as he is and know that he has always walked with you.  Until then may your do your part so that the Lord can do his.