Episode #67 Learning to Love Ourselves as we Are

So much of the pain and heartache surrounding church membership and mental illness is the guilt we feel when we don't have the capacity to serve.  Our illness limits us in so many ways and when we are limited, we don't feel whole, complete or worthy. However, if we accept our limitations and work within them through the Lord, they can provide a unique perspective and understanding of our true selves and our value to the Lord.

Transcript

Welcome to Episode #67 Learning to Love Ourselves as we are.  I am your host Damon Socha.  Just a quick reminder if you are enjoying these podcasts, send a link to someone you know.  That is the best compliment any podcaster can have.

Somewhere in the midst of all of the mental illness chaos we have to accept ourselves as we are.  This doesn’t mean that I sit in my room and say well I am as good as I am going to get no need to try.  There is much to learn, experience and do even when we are limited in capacity.  The Lord desires that we learn but we must understand our learning limitations, and our capacity to go forth and do.  Otherwise we risk the sprint, collapse cycle, where we are consistently trying to catch up to where we think we need to be, running the race of life far faster than we should and then collapsing and loosing all the ground we have gained. Only to start over feeling even further behind.  The Lord desires that we run the race at the pace he has provided in those weaknesses we have been given.  Sometimes he is going to provide added strength for us to complete what he desires and other times he is going to allow us to only push so hard and go so far with what we have.  Both teach us valuable lessons in dependence, loyalty and trust in a loving concerned Father and Savior.  Learning to run the race with the weaknesses that the Lord has given without falling into the sprint-crash cycle or completely giving up is learning who we are as mortals, our limitations and capacities and learning to love what we have been given and who we are.  When we accept those limitations the Lord has given and work with the Lord through our weakness the experience can bring a sweet peace and happiness.

 In middle of King Benjamin’s sermon about becoming converted to the Lord and everything we should be doing.  He states something that feels a little like a footnote to his sermon and almost out of place.  He states the following. “And see that all these things are done in order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.” Mosiah 4:27. 

The Lord knew from the very start that he was going to bless many of us with some fairly serious limitations.  He even mentions it in Ether 12:27. By stating that “I give unto men weaknesses that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me.”  He fully knew that those weaknesses were going to limit our ability to do good and build up his kingdom.  Some of us were going to be so limited that our contribution to the overall plan of salvation would be just to touch very few lives and in fact we would touch those lives by allowing them to serve us due to our limited capacities.  We often view service in the sense of serving others, but allowing others to serve us accomplishes the same purpose and we can be of service allowing others to serve.  That is not always the way we want service to go.  We want to be the ones giving.  However understand that if there are no recipients there can be no giving of service.  Now I realize that with mental illness we will both be able to serve at times and need service at other times.    

I have always been a very independent soul as far as service.  For whatever reason, I don’t like being served by others.  I know that many people feel the same way.  I would give priesthood blessings all day long but will suffer far longer than I have to before I ask for one.  I am always ready to help someone to move into their home but have always tried not to have others help me.  My life has been a great struggle to accept my limitations and allow for service to occur.  In essence, I am unwilling to accept the realities that the Lord has placed in my life for my good and the good of others.  I have been for much of my life unwilling to accept myself as I am.  I am often like the blind man who refuses to be aided by another’s eyes.  However, because I have found it difficult to learn this lesson, the Lord has blessed me with my autoimmune diseases, in many ways encouraging me to better accept and understand the lessons of weakness.

When King Benjamin spoke those words about not running faster than you have strength, I think that he knew something about limitations as he stated that he was having difficulty even standing to give the words to his people.  His statement was not about simply slowing down to rest once in a while, although that is good counsel.  He wanted us to truly accept our limitations in the sense that they were and are a blessing in our lives.  The value of a good limitation is far greater than the value of no limitation.  

The Lord knows that I love to work and to build.  He knows my capabilities without my serious limitations caused by my autoimmune illnesses and the resulting depression.  He is not concerned about what I can do, he already knows what I can do without the limitations in my life.  He needs to know what I will prioritize and do when he severely limits my capacities.  He needs to know if I will allow others to serve me.  He needs to know that I will be humble and accept my limitations without murmur and complaint.  He needs to know fully that I will commit to being loyal to him and his cause no matter what comes into my life.  

While the idea surrounding “not running faster than you have strength” is fairly easy to comprehend it is a difficult lesson in practice.  To go forth and serve when you have boundless energy and capacity can be fairly easy to do.  To think of others when you are suffering yourself is a lesson that does not come naturally to the mortal body.  To think of others and realize that you do not possess the capacity to do what you want can be even a far more difficult lesson.  To not run faster than you have strength you must fully accept who you are and the definition of strength.  This means that you must come to know yourself and your mortal body as does our Father and Savior and be willing to accept the idea I would if I could but I don’t have the capacity to do so.  King Benjamin mentions this concept with the idea of giving to those in need who lack resources.  But the concept is as spiritual as it is physical.  If we lack mortal capacity we are as worthy as those who can go and do if we would go and do if we had not be given our limitations.

Accepting our limitations can be a freeing of the mind experience.  So often we are frustrated by our lack of energy, lack of desire, lack of capacity and we accept wholeheartedly emotions of guilt as though we deserve them.  This is not what the Lord desires in our lives.  He did not give us the weakness for us to find guilt in our lack of action.  He gave us the weakness that we might be humble.  To overcome guilt we must accept our lives as the Lord has given them to us.  If we do not accept our weaknesses then guilt will always be our reward.  However, if with the Lord’s help we humbly accept our weakness and work within the capacity that the Lord has given us that weakness that is within our bodies can become valuable to our salvation.  So rather than fight the weakness we have been given, we learn about it and come to understand ourselves as we are and then we go forth and serve as the Lord has allowed.

One of the main object lessons of weaknesses is for us to overcome the sin of comparison and the sin of pride.  We are mortals in a world where comparison is the standard.  We compare everything and most of the time we do not even know that we do.  Anytime we say something like, I wish I was like her, I wish I looked like he does, I wish that I had that kind of talent we are comparing, and that is just a small portion of what we compare.  Social media really leans toward this type of sin.  We put our best selves forward and compare that to other peoples best selves.  We don’t want to look normal, average, below average, basic or just plain, plain. We read stories about others and are hopefully inspired to go forth and accomplish things in our own way and capacity but most of the time we probably just feel worthless, limited and small.  Comparison to others in any form is actually sin and most of the time we are comparing apples to oranges.  Meaning that we don’t even do it right.  If I were to truly compare myself to someone else, I would have to know a significant amount more about the person than I ever could.  I would have to know his/her entire background, traditions, culture, financial background, education, lack of education.  I would even have to know what he/she came to this world having already learned.  So the reality is that I can never make a true comparison to another person and even if I could make that comparison, the Lord needs all types of people to make the body of the church.  Paul mentions it when he talks about the body of Christ.  How can the hand compare itself to the ear lobe?  They each serve their purpose.  Maybe the earlobe doesn’t have the capacity of the hand but it does make the ear lobe unimportant.  Every part of the body is needed to function.  Removing one part of the body diminishes the capacity of the whole.

The second lesson of weakness is the sin of pride.  Certainly the hand can probably do more things than the ear lobe.  But the hand should not say to the ear lobe.  I am better than you and I really don’t need you.  I know that sounds crazy to think about the hand talking to the ear lobe but that is almost exactly what we do.  The hand certain does many things but without the arm, muscles, brain, blood, cells, oxygen and lungs, the hand is worthless.  Pride is forgetting who we are and the idea that we are dependent upon the Lord and so many other people and heavenly help in our lives.  It is the selfish idea that we have come to the place where we are all on our own without any heavenly intervention or even help from other human beings.  Pride is an emotion that is so easy to feel but difficult to overcome.  When the Lord gives weakness he allows us to see our pride more fully and to feel our dependence upon the Lord.  When we look to heaven just to get through the day, pride seems to melt as the frost in the morning.  We are not concerned about how good we are or how talented.  We come to realize that life is more than accolades and trophies. We see far more clearly what matters and what does not.  We see ourselves as we are and can then see ourselves as the Lord sees us.  Our weaknesses if we accept them our sent to break down that wall of pride and to allow us full understanding of mortality and our true value in the Lord’s plan.  Sometimes our earthly mortal value has to be reduced for us to see more clearly our heavenly value.

So when the Lord asks us not to run faster than we have strength. He wants us to take a look inside ourselves and understand and accept our weakness and to learn from it.  He wants us to be able to truthfully see ourselves as we are and allow for others to serve us and for us to serve them to our capacity.  I know that we hear the do more, be more, love more slogan so often preached throughout or many meetings and that means we still need to run.  The Lord didn’t say give up and sit down, he simply said you need to run to your capacity and that might be frustratingly slow. And when others look at us to compare, and they will, we may feel small and useless.  But in some sense that is one of the purposes of the Lord.  It causes a humble view of oneself and with that humble view the Lord can rebuilt a true value within the person.

So how do we even know how fast we should be running?  The first thing you must do is to accept the weakness or weaknesses that the Lord has given you.  This means that you don’t deny them, or complain about them, or murmur that the Lord has taken the fun out of life.  You accept them for what they are and you learn about what you can do and what you cannot do and you accept that which you cannot do.  You learn who you are as the Lord has placed you on this earth.  You learn to enjoy the capacity that you do have and not fixate yourself on that which you do not have.  The only way to do this is to go forth and try.  The only way to know that you are running too fast is to run too fast.  We have all done this and perhaps many times.  When you come to that place where you understand your capacities and what the Lord want you to do, you will find the happiness you desire.  Oh the depressions are still going to come and so will other related issue of mental health but accepting yourself and what the Lord has given you will free your mind to allow the Lord to work within you far greater miracles than you can now understand.

There are going to be times when the Lord does want you to run somewhat faster than you are accustomed to running and he will ask you to do so, which might cause so fear and concern.  If the Lord asks you to run faster then he will give you the strength to do so.  I suffered with my autoimmune issues while I served as bishop.  Sometimes I could barely get myself out of my bed to get dressed to go up to the church, but I knew that the Lord desired that I be there help others, help themselves.  Once I sat down in my chair in the office, the energy I desired was always there and the Lord made up the difference when he needed me to fulfill my callings.  I did have to rely more heavily on counselors than would a normally functioning bishop but sometimes I wonder if we don’t take too much upon ourselves just because we can.  When we are limited by our capacities we learn to spread the load and allow others to grow and serve.  Yes things are going to fall apart from time to time when others serve but that is one of the purposes of service, to learn, to experience, to fail and then try again.  We are by nature mortal beings and failure is going to come often as we are in the learning cycle.  Failure is not a stopping point but simply a lesson learned.  

So often the negative feelings that come from depression and anxiety cause us to feel as failures and worthless.  To simply see those moments as learning rather than failure is important but I understand that what we feel is our reality.  You can’t just turn your mind off when depression and anxiety strike, that is part of the illness and so we are going to have to slow down and find a different running pace when a mental illness episode strikes us.  That can be tough.  Our mind wants to think that it can do everything it once did but our bodies are a different story.  Training our mind to better understand the need to slow down when mental illness has its way in our body is a difficult task.  But it is an important one.  I am lucky to have a wife that understands my capacities and encourages me to slow down and rest when I want to go and do.  

I don’t think that the slowing down is so much a problem as the guilt that comes when we do.  To feel that we are not doing enough is a problem of the illness and one for which I do not have an answer.  But I can say that you are doing enough and the Lord loves your effort.  Many individuals are doing just fine when it comes to the Lord and their episodes.  The Lord understands the level of difficulty and the price you pay for working when it doesn’t come easy.  He knows that when your trial is done you will be grateful but he also knows that gratefulness doesn’t come easy during the trial.

The Lord loves you deeply and he knows fully the weakness that has come into your life.  Whether by genetics or by environment, the Lord has provided you a wonderful opportunity to learn and experience life in a very unique manner.  Accepting who you are and your weakness and working with the Lord you will find great happiness in your lack of capacity.  You will find yourself and the ability to love yourself and to see yourself as you truly are to the Lord.  I have always said to keep up the fight no matter how small and the Lord will do his part.  Today it is to run at the pace you can and the Lord will shorten the distance.