See Ya Later, Monster Gator

It's the day before Riley, Render and Taiwan 1000 reach the location of the third and final clue from the Aghast! Menagerie and Render is nervous about what tomorrow brings.

Silly monster, you completely forgot about tonight.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000!
Dave F'n Powell as Fines Doubled When Workers Present
Dylan Shelton as Miles
Alexx Rouse as Cigarettes Sold at State Minimum
Zach Robinson as No Passing School Zone
Caitlyn McWethy as Cross Traffic Does Not Stop
Grayson Halonen as Powerball 138 Million
with Special Monster-of-the-Week Harper Lee as Last Liquor Store for One Hundred!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com 

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Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 10 : See Ya Later, Monster-Gator

(A campfire. Crickets. The woods.)

RILEY
Are you done?

RENDER
No.

RILEY
Okay because mine is getting cold.

RENDER
It has to be perfect.

RILEY
You’re not close enough.

RENDER
I am.

RILEY
Can I help you?

RENDER
That is hilarious.

RILEY
What?

RENDER
Yeah, if I want mine burnt to a crisp, I’ll ask.

RILEY
[Sigh…] Taiwan 1000, would you like help?


TAIWAN
I wouldn’t let you help me if you were the last human on Earth.

Of course, if you were the last human on earth, I could push you into the fire and then there would be no humans left. 

I could use some help.

RILEY
Forget it.

Crypto-Curious, you would think that months of camping would endow some of us with a certain skillset:

TAIWAN
Are you talking about us?

RILEY
Like cooking meals in a single skillet - 

TAIWAN
Well, that’s you -

RENDER
Stop… 

RILEY
Or putting on the tent’s rain cover in the dark -

TAIWAN
Okay, no, she’s only talking about you.

(RENDER growls, annoyed.)

RILEY
Or Making Marshmellows!

RENDER
Marshmallows.
RILEY
Marshmellows.

RENDER
Mallows. Marshmallows.

RILEY
Oh, I see - you can pronounce it, you just can’t toast them.

RENDER
I beg your pardon!

RILEY
The Observation Tower at Cape Canaveral is closer to the heat than you are.

RENDER
Well the joke’s on you because I don’t know what any of that means.

RILEY
Your marshmAllows are luke-warm.

RENDER
Oh, just because I don’t like mine charred beyond recognition.

RILEY
They taste better.

TAIWAN
Ugh. Does everything always have to be about taste to you? 

RILEY
I mean, if it’s food… 

RENDER
The trick to a perfect marshm(AW)llow - [think: “Paolo”] 

RILEY
Please… you’re killing me.

RENDER
- is to find a nice spot with no fire, just embers and then slowly spit roast it until it’s an adorable, golden, little puffer. 

RILEY
Crypto-Curious, it takes him forever. 

RENDER
And… it’s… perfect. See?

RILEY
It’s beautiful, pal.

RENDER
You ready?

RILEY
I’m waiting for you.

RENDER
Okay - one second.

Who wants to start?

RILEY
Me. Dear god, me. 

[Clearing the air:] I present to you - two graham cracker cookies.

RENDER
A solid foundation

RILEY
A fun-sized Almond Joy.

RENDER
A bold reinvention


RILEY
Apricot jam

RENDER
Reckless. Absolutely reckless.

RILEY
All held in a tight orbit around a gooey, burnt-to-a-crisp, charcoal-black marsh-mellow.

RENDER
Well, I find all of that intriguing, but it has left me with a mission-critical follow-up question…

RILEY
Oh, has it?

RENDER
Riley, that sounds delicious - but Does It S’more?

(RENDER eats his s’more.)

Oh… Oh! The balanced-mix of fruit and nuts - a Scavenger’s delight!

RILEY
So it was pretty alright?

RENDER
Hi-octane Action. Nonstop thrills. Would watch the sequel.

But now you better have some binoculars in that observation tower, buckarini, because there’s a new Monster of Mystery bringing the heat to this Cape Carnival. 

RILEY
I’m not going to correct any of that, but is there something I desperately need to tell you.

RENDER
What?

RILEY
I love you, so dearly.
RENDER
Two graham crackers. 

RILEY
Vintage. A classic.

RENDER
On this one: chocolate, marshmallow -

RILEY
A girl’s best friend.

RENDER
But what’s this over here… Peanut butter?

RILEY
Oo - who’s this bad boy sitting in the back of class? 

RENDER
And on top of that - a strip of bacon. 

RILEY
Wait - where did you get bacon?

RENDER
I stole it off your plate this morning. 

RILEY
Render!

RENDER
You’re getting it back. 

RILEY
Well that stolen piece of bacon may now be embroiled in one of the greatest heists ever attempted, but it’s left the authorities with one, puzzling question: 

Does It S’more? 

(RILEY eats her s’more. RILEY is… a messy eater. TAIWAN bristles.)

RENDER
So? 

RILEY
A laugh-a-minute riot. The feel-good comedy hit of the year. A must watch. 

TAIWAN
Here Riley, try mine!

(RILEY screams, you know the drill.)

RILEY
Put that out. 

(TAIWAN walks towards RILEY.)

TAIWAN
You’ll like it, I promise. 

RILEY
It’s on fire!

RENDER
Well you have to try it. 

RILEY
It’s just a flaming marshmellow on a graham cracker. [to TAIWAN:] stop it. 

RENDER
Mallow… 

RILEY
Is that dirt? 

TAIWAN
It’s mostly fire and dirt. 

RENDER
Everyone else got a turn, you’re making him feel left out. 

RILEY
You eat it. 

RENDER
Noooooo. 

(TAIWAN is chasing RILEY around the campfire now.)

TAIWAN
How do you know you don’t like it if you won’t try it?

RENDER
He makes a solid point. 

RILEY
You are egging him on and you know it. 

RENDER
Yeah… I tell ya, Crypto-Curious… always a wild time at the Cape Carnival.

RILEY
That’s not even a real thing!

TAIWAN 
Catch!

(Theme Song.)

(The ‘Zzzzz’ of rope against bark.)

RILEY
Can it go a little higher?

(Another tug.)


TAIWAN
Now?

RILEY
That’s good.

RENDER
Taiwan 1000, you’re so good with ropes. 

TAIWAN
My previous owner had a kid in Scouts. I used to read along with his Alta Vista search results. 

RENDER
That makes sense.

RILEY
Does it?

RENDER
[turning, walking away:] Okay well, goodnight food, I love you.

RILEY
Render, what’s in your hands?

RENDER
What?

RILEY
You’re walking all weird, with your hands together.

RENDER
It’s just a thoughtful pose. 

RILEY
You’ve got food. 

RENDER
I do not.

RILEY
How much?

RENDER
[immediately:] One handful. One handful!

RILEY
You were gonna take that in the tent. We just tree’d the food. 

RENDER
Which is why I had to grab a handful.

RILEY
Well eat it.

RENDER
I’m not hungry. [conspiratorially:] This is for later. 

RILEY
You can’t have it “for later.” You can’t have food in the tent. 

RENDER
Oh come on - it’s just a little bit? In case I can’t sleep.

RILEY
It will attract wild animals. 

RENDER
What wild animals?

RILEY
Bears. 

RENDER
Are there bears? 

RILEY
Well no, not here.
RENDER
Ah-ha!

RILEY
You have to tree your food. 

TAIWAN
There are gators.

RILEY
Thank you, Taiwan 1000. Yes. There are gators. 

RENDER
In these woods?

RILEY
You saw the sign.

RENDER
What sign? You mean the billboard?

RILEY
Yeah.

RENDER
Big Jay Erwin’s Alligator Farm and Boot Emporium? That billboard?

RILEY
See? Gators. 

RENDER
Those aren’t wild animals - that’s a tourist trap!

RILEY
Where do you think Big Jay Erwin’s alligators come from? 

RENDER
Do you really think any of them are left in the wild with Big Jay Erwin on the case? 
RENDER (cont.)
Plus, look how high up you put everything. How big are these gators? 

RILEY
That’s what you’re supposed to do. 

RENDER
Gators are low to the ground. You could have hung the food at waist height - 

RILEY
Like a Pinata? 

RENDER
Yes, thank you, a little snack pinata. Then we could have gotten handfuls whenever we needed them. This makes it look like there are 50-foot gators lurking around.

RILEY
Ok - uh - don’t speak it into existence. 

RENDER
What?

RILEY
You know what kind of nonsense we run into - don’t speak 50-foot gators into existence. 

And no food!

RENDER
Fine. 

(a moment.)

RILEY
What’s wrong?

RENDER
I get snacky when I’m nervous. 

RILEY
Yeah. I get snacky too. Want some help? 

(RENDER opens his hands, they share snacks.)

It’s gonna work out. 

RENDER
What if it doesn’t?

RILEY
It will. 

RENDER
Clues 1 and 2 from the Aghast! Menagerie turned up nothing. 

TAIWAN
Oh cool thanks Render.

RENDER
Sorry.

RILEY
And you’re worried -

RENDER
What if it happens again tomorrow? What if we get to the third clue and turn up nothing and now we don’t have any more clues and we might never get the rest of the Menagerie - and - and -

RILEY
And what?

RENDER
At what point do we admit that maybe we can’t do this? 

RILEY
Yeah. That sounds like the kind of problem that calls for a handful of snacks. 

(They eat.)

RILEY (cont.)
My mom used to do this thing… when we were little. Dana and I would be in our room, ignoring each other, and the door would fly open and Mom would be standing there with her arms stretched out.

She had this green Air Force flight suit that she would wear. I have no idea where she got it. But imagine this curly-headed, forest green starfish standing over you, shouting: 

“You’ve got two minutes to get your shoes on. It’s Adventure Day.” And then she would run off. 

The three of us would pile in the car, destination unknown.

This one time we’re driving - this crazy, winding deathtrap road that connected our neighborhood to the rest of the city - Mom’s doing 40 while dancing to this AM jazz station when the sky opens up. One of those heavy, summer rains where the sun is still out - and Mom is looking straight up at this kaleidoscope of tangerines and blues on the windshield, shouting over the radio - like in actual-awe - “Look at all these colors!” while we’re in the back screaming, “turn on your windshield wipers!”

And then she just pulls over, gets out of the car and runs into this cornfield. And Dana and I are looking at each other like, “I guess we’re supposed to follow.” And we’re screaming for her in the rain, in the middle of this cornfield when SMACK! big ear of corn hits me in the side of the head. She just wanted to play war in the middle of a cornfield. So we did. 

I don’t think she planned Adventure Days - just declared them and drove knowing she would find something amazing if she stayed with it long enough. 

She would get us so lost - I mean like, no idea where we are, dead-by-dinner lost. This was before you could ask your phone and Dana’s terrified and I’m screaming, “just pull over and ask.”

Mom had this philosophy. Mantra. I don’t know. But that’s when she would tell us:

“All roads are interconnected. Just make enough lefts and rights and you have no choice but to end up where you’re supposed to be.”

RILEY (cont.)
And yeah. She was never wrong. The road always led us to some awesome adventure, and then brought us right back home.

We might not find anything tomorrow. The third clue might be a total bust. But if you think that means we’re turning around… 

Then you don’t understand “Adventure Day.”

Come on Honeybee, let’s go to bed. 

RENDER
Riley?

(RENDER pulls her in for a big hug.)

Thanks.

(RILEY doesn’t respond. They just linger in this hug. We hear rustling.)

RILEY
Render… Are you wiping your grimy hands on the back of my shirt? 

RENDER
Mmm-hmm. 

(That night. The tent. RILEY and RENDER are sleeping, which if you recall, both are Bad Bed Buddies. The sound of a Windows 95 machine waking up. TAIWAN stirs, sits up. Something is outside the tent.)

TAIWAN
Render… Render wake up.

(TAIWAN smacks RENDER in the face with his keyboard. RENDER yelps, waking.)

RENDER
Ow. What?

TAIWAN
There’s something outside the tent.

RENDER
Ugh, go back to bed.

TAIWAN
Did you hear me?

RENDER
We’ll take care of it in the morning.

TAIWAN
There’s something outside the tent.

RENDER
What are you talking about?

TAIWAN
Like a - [growls…]

RENDER
That’s just Riley’s stomach. You get used to it. Close your eyes.

TAIWAN
No. Render -

RENDER
There is nothing outside the tent.

(shuffle shuffle snort.)

Oh wow, there’s something out there. Riley.

(nudge nudge)

Riley. You’re such a hard sleeper… 

TAIWAN
I got it.

RENDER
Wait, don’t -

(TAIWAN smacks RILEY in the face with his keyboard.)

RILEY
Ow!

RENDER
Riley! (that was Taiwan 1000, not me) Riley -

RILEY
That hurt.

RENDER
Yeah yeah, not important, there’s something outside. 

RILEY
Yeah, Render, that’s why they call it outside.

RENDER
No seriously.

TAIWAN
It was like a - [growls…]

RILEY
It’s probably just my stomach.

RENDER
I already said that. 

RILEY
Go back to -

(scratch scratch bellow.)

RILEY (cont.)
There’s something out there.

RENDER
Yes we know.

RILEY
No. There’s like something … big out there.

RENDER
I wonder if it smells the food.

RILEY
No because we tree’d all of the -

Render is there food in here?

TAIWAN
He hides graham crackers in my floppy disc drive.

(TAIWAN ejects a graham cracker.)

RILEY
Render!

RENDER
I have regrets. 

(step step grunt.)

RILEY
We have to get out of this tent.

RENDER
I agree. You draw it away and Taiwan 1000 and I will make a beeline for the Safari.

RILEY
What? No! I’m not the diversion.

RENDER
I’ll give you the graham cracker.

(stamp stamp growl.)

TAIWAN
If we stay in this tent, we are going to die. And I wouldn’t want that for a lot of us.

RILEY
Well we can’t go out the front.

TAIWAN
Well you can’t be the diversion staying in here.

RILEY
God I wish we bought a tent with two doors. 

Render, do you have your pocket knife?

RENDER
Yeah, it’s in my bag.

(sniffle sniffle snap.)

RILEY
now please now.

(RENDER looks for his bag, unzips it, digs around.)

RENDER
Here.

RILEY
Okay. [moaning:] sorry tent. 

(RILEY slashes thru the back of the tent.)

RILEY (cont.)
Alright - everyone out of the pool.

(Intense rustling and scrambling as the trio emerge from the tent.)

Can anybody see the - AAAH! - Gator!

RENDER
Gator!

(There is indeed a large alligator, LAST, standing on the other side of the tent.)

RILEY
Everybody keep the tent between you and the -

RENDER
I don’t think the tent is going to stop it. 

TAIWAN
You have to run in a zig-zag.

RILEY
What?

TAIWAN
Alligators are fast, thirty miles per hour in short bursts, but they can only charge in a straight line. 

(general disbelief that TAIWAN knows this.)

My previous owner’s kid did a science project on alligators. I read along with his -

RILEY
Alta Vista search results, got it.

Okay, like we practiced:
ALL
Run for it!

(They take off running. LAST tries to follow… It’s hard. Finally:)
LAST
Oh, no fair running in zig-zags!

RILEY
Whoa whoa whoa hey!

(All stop.)

(The TRIO are all separated in the woods.)

Render, was that you?

RENDER
Just now?

RILEY
What are you doing way over there?

RENDER
I was zig-zagging.

RILEY
The Safari’s this way.

RENDER
There are no rules to zig zags. 

RILEY
Have you seen Taiwan 1000?

TAIWAN
Oh-ho - separated from the pack, are we?


RILEY
Nevermind, he’s with me. Was that you shouting?

RENDER
I thought that was you.

LAST
It was me. 

(eh, why not - they shout.)

RENDER
What? What! Talking gator?! That is awesome. 

RILEY
See? What did I say? Speaking it into existence. 

LAST
Hi.

(RENDER walks towards LAST.)

RENDER
Hi! I can’t believe this, you’re amazing. 

RILEY
Hey babe - can we sidebar real quick?

RENDER
Oh. [to LAST:] I’ll be right back. 

(The TRIO…) 

Yeah, whats up?

RILEY
What are you doing? 

RENDER
They said hi. 

RILEY
We don’t walk towards alligators. Just a general rule. 

RENDER
We don’t, unless they start talking to you.

RILEY
Alligators can’t talk. 

RENDER
Uh… hello?

RILEY
Yeah, I see it too. Still… Alligators can’t talk.

RENDER
What then? You think it’s a Zeroks? 

ALL
Trademark.

RILEY
No, it’s far too pretty to be a Zeroks.

ALL
Trademark. 

RENDER
Well it has to be something.

TAIWAN
You know, you two overcomplicate everything.

[shouting:] Hey! Are you a real alligator? 

LAST
… Rude.

TAIWAN
See? How hard was that?

RILEY
That didn’t help.

RENDER
Let’s just go over there.

RILEY
No.

RENDER
Riley -

RILEY
Render!

RENDER
Well we have to do something. They’re in the middle of our campground. 

RILEY
Oh excuse me for not wanting to hang out with teeth that can move at thirty miles per hour.

LAST
I’m sorry. It’s very hard for me to hear what y’all are saying. Could you do that a little closer? 

RENDER
Sorry. We’re just talking about … not you. We’ll be right there.

RILEY
[whispering:] This is a bad idea. 

LAST
Yeah, sorry, the whispering makes it even harder.
RENDER
Riley… Adventure Day.

RILEY
[sighs] Adventure Day.

LAST
Oh, yes. Closer is so much better

RILEY
Well that has an ominous Gingerbread Man vibe.

(The TRIO walk towards LAST.)

RENDER
That would be a great s’more. 

RILEY
That’s not the point I was making. 

RENDER
Gingerbread, toffee, marshmallow. 

RILEY
Can we come back to this?

LAST
Hi. Thank you  so much for not running. You have no idea how long it took me to get out here. 

RENDER
Oh, sure… 

RILEY
No problem… 

LAST
I know it’s late. But I was afraid if I came back in the morning I might miss you.

RILEY
Why did you want to see us? 

LAST
Not you. You.

RENDER
Me? 

LAST
It’s my fiance, Miles. We got separated, and now I can’t find him. I’m worried something might have happened to him. 

RILEY
What do you mean “happened to him?”

LAST
It’s not like him to run off. 

RILEY
And your fiance -

LAST
Miles

RILEY
Miles, he’s also an alligator? 

LAST
What? Obviously. [to RENDER:] what is her deal?

RENDER
She’s not used to talking alligators. 

RILEY
Oh sure, just me.


RENDER
So you didn’t sneak up on us because you smelled food in our tent?

LAST
No.

RENDER
Huh. Interesting.

LAST
Wait, you have food? 

RENDER
Graham crackers. Want one? 

LAST
Sure. 

TAIWAN
Open wide. 

(LAST opens wide. Another graham cracker ejects from TAIWAN’S floppy disc drive. LAST chomps down.)

LAST
Ew. Gross. Plain. 

RILEY
How long has Miles been missing?

LAST
It’s been two weeks now.

RENDER
Any idea where he could have gone? 

LAST
He wouldn’t go out on his own, not without telling me. Unless… something happened to him.
RENDER
Like what? 

RILEY
Like Big Jay Erwin. 

LAST
If Big Jay Erwin has him… I don’t even want to think about it. 

But then I saw you walking in the woods -

RENDER
Me?

LAST
And I just knew everything would be ok. You’ll help me, won’t you? You’ll find Miles.

RENDER
Oh. Uh…

RILEY
Are you asking if we’ll sneak into an alligator farm to look for your fiance? 

LAST
You’ll do it? 

TAIWAN
Yes. Riley will do this for you.

RILEY
Look, I don’t think that’s really something that we … 

LAST
But you have to. It’s true what they say about you, isn’t it? 

RENDER
About me? 

LAST
If you’re in trouble, find a Rubilee. 

(Stunned silence.)

RENDER
Is that what I am? 

LAST
Uh. Yeah. You didn’t know?

RENDER
No. I didn’t. 

LAST
You’re a Rubilee. 

RENDER
Riley. I’m a Rubilee.

[to LAST:] Hi. I’m Render.

LAST
Very nice to meet you, Render. 

I’m Last Liquor Store for One Hundred. 

RILEY
Oh … 

(Later. Deep in woods, approaching the perimeter to Big Jay Erwin’s farm. The ground is a lot sloshier.)

RILEY
[yelling:] Pick up the pace, you three - the river’s just down this embankment.

Crypto-Curious, this has been one of the more bizarre nights of my life … which I think is saying something… 
RILEY (cont.)
For the last few hours, the three of us have been walking hip to hip with an alligator and I would just like it known - when our bones turn up one day - that this alligator didn’t fool me. 

But Render’s all in on this one so … here we are. 

(The others join back up with RILEY.)

RENDER
Are we at the river?

RILEY
Yeah. GPS isn’t super helpful anymore - satellite shows just a lot of tree cover, but I think the entrance to the farm should be pretty close by. 

Come on.

TAIWAN
It’s a little steep.

LAST
If you want, you can climb on my back.

RILEY
Like we’re gonna fall for that. 

TAIWAN
Render?

RENDER
I gotcha. 

(RENDER places TAIWAN on LAST’S back. RILEY sighs.)

RILEY
Alright - watch your footing everybody. 

(The climb down towards the river.)
RENDER
So - how did you and Miles meet.

LAST
It’s actually a really cute story. 

So, I’m laying out on the side of the road - which is a pretty great place to sun yourself, sometimes a family will pull over and toss you Little Debbie snacks or hard-boiled eggs. 

So I’m laying there, right, and this pair of joggers are coming down the road. And one of them says, “See? Told ya, Last Liquor Store for On Hundred Miles” 

And the other one goes, “Look out Joel, alligators.”

And they turn and go back the other way and I’m like alligators? It’s just me.

And that’s when Miles goes, “So which one are you? Last Liquor Store for One Hundred, or Miles?” 

Can you believe that? My soulmate was sitting right there the whole time and I had no idea. 

RENDER
You didn’t know he was there?

LAST
No! I mean … I guess I could have turned and looked … [incredulous:] but that sounds like a lot of work. 

So I said, “I guess I’m Last Liquor Store for One Hundred.” - and he said - “I guess I’m Miles,” which is so like him.

RENDER
That’s a beautiful story.

LAST
Isn’t it? That’s how we met. 


RENDER
So romantic.

RILEY
They were talking about the billboard.

LAST
What?

RILEY
Yeah, we parked not far from it. The joggers weren’t referring to you, they were referring to a sign.

LAST
Uh - we were right there.

They said, “Last Liquor Store for One Hundred” - “Miles,” and there we were.

RENDER
Seems pretty cut and dry to me.

RILEY
So think they were naming you.

LAST
No. You don’t understand. Those are our names.

RILEY
Right but… Is that what you called yourselves - before the joggers? 

LAST
I don’t know what you … [to RENDER:] What is this lady not understanding?

RILEY
Didn’t your parents give you a name?

LAST
My parents! Oh? 
(This thought has never occurred to LAST before.)

LAST (cont.)
I mean, I guess they could have named us if they’d wanted to … but that sounds like a lot of work.

RENDER
I like your name.

LAST
Thanks, Render.

RILEY
I’m gonna run ahead. Seems like there’s something up there.

(RILEY pulls ahead.)

LAST
Your friend doesn’t like me.

RENDER
What? Riley likes everybody. I think you just make her a little nervous.
LAST
Me? Why?

RENDER
I don’t know … oh, it’s probably because she thinks you’ll eat her.

LAST
Not with that attitude.

TAIWAN
Oh, give her a chance.

RILEY
[off:] Hey! Up here!


(RENDER, LAST and TAIWAN rush ahead. RILEY grabs onto and shakes a large, chain-link fence.)

This is Big Jay Erwin’s Alligator Farm alright … Get a load of the sign. “Trespassers Will Be Eaten.”

LAST
Do you see Miles? 

RILEY
I don’t see anybody. 

RENDER
What’s that over there?

RILEY
Crypto-Curious, this fence stands between us and a small lake - and on the far side, a little sandy shore and, it’s a little too dark to be certain, maybe a wooden boardwalk. 

And yeah. On that little shore. And on that wooden boardwalk. Hundreds of … 

Okay, I think we’ve brought you about as far as we can. 

LAST
You’re quitting?

RENDER
Riley?

LAST
You can’t quit.

RENDER
We can’t stop now. 

RILEY
We got you to the farm. If Miles is in there - you don’t need our help finding him.

TAIWAN
You could at least go in and scope it out for us. 

At the very least.

RILEY
Look, Last Liquor Store for One Hundred - I hope you find your fiance - I truly do. But this is as far as we can go. 

LAST
Is that true, Render?

RENDER
I … uh … 

LAST
If you’re in trouble, look for a Rubilee. That’s what they always say. 

I guess it isn’t true. 

(RENDER caves.)

RENDER
I’ll help. 
LAST
You will?

RILEY
Ren …

RENDER
If Miles is in there - we’re gonna find him. And we’re gonna get you two back together. 

Riley, I have to. I just do. If you want to stay here. 

RILEY
Are you serious? [sigh:] No. I’m in. 

But how are we getting past this? If alligators could scale fences this one wouldn’t be here. 

RENDER
Why would you put a no trespassing sign all the way out here? 

Look, crossing the river, it’s a sliding gate. 

I’ll swim across and unlatch it and you pull it open. 

RILEY
You’re not thinking about getting in that river?

RENDER
Oh relax - we’re on this side of the fence - what could possibly be in the water?

RILEY
Well now that you’ve spoken it into existence … 

RENDER
I’ll be right back.

(RENDER wades into the river and across.)

RILEY
How is it?
RENDER
It’s really shallow. Kinda squishy tho. My feet keep sinking. 

(RENDER undoes a chain.)

There - give it a tug.

(RILEY grunts and tugs, pulling the gate open.) 

RILEY
Ok, well, we’re not on the right side of the fence anymore, so hurry on back, will ya? 

RENDER
Sure thing. 

RILEY
[to LAST:] Look. The fence is open, you can swim in and look all you like? You don’t need our help any more. 

You need to tell Render you don’t need him anymore. 

LAST
He wants to help. You’re the one holding him back.

(LAST wades into the river.)

Water’s getting deeper, Taiwan 1000, you might want to move up and sit on my head.

TAIWAN
Oh! Don’t mind if I do. 

RENDER
Riley, you coming?!

RILEY
[resigned:] be right there!

(Big Jay Erwin’s Alligator Farm. There are a ton of alligators here.)

CIGARETTES SOLD AT STATE MINIMUM
Hey - get up - you’re not gonna believe this!

CROSS TRAFFIC DOES NOT STOP
What?! I was sleeping.

NO PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
Where’d they come from?

POWERBALL 138 MILLION
And who’s that they’ve got with them?

CROSS
What is it? I’m facing the wrong way.

CIGARETTES
Well turn around.

CROSS
That sounds like a lot of work. Just describe it to me.

NO PASSING
There’s a human walking up from the wrong way. And there’s one of us with them.

CIGARETTES
Looks like they’re carrying something on their back and - is that … 

POWERBALL
They’ve got a Rubilee with them!

CROSS
A Rubilee! Alright, watch out, I’m turning around. 

RILEY
Render, are you sure about this?

RENDER
I was a lot more certain about a hundred yards back.

(CIGARETTES approaches RENDER, a little too close.)

CIGARETTES
Are you really a Rubilee?

(RENDER screams.)

RENDER
Uh. Hi. Yeah, I guess I am.

CIGARETTES
I’ve never seen one of your kind before. You mind if I nuzzle up against you?

RENDER
Oh, uh … sure?

(CIGARETTES nuzzles up against RENDER, purring.)

POWERBALL
Oo! I want to do that!

NO PASSING
That sounds like a lot of work.

POWERBALL
It’s nice!

NO PASSING
Oh, alright!

CROSS
You really are a Rubilee. In our little lake. Isn’t that something?

CIGARETTES
What brings you here, fella?

RENDER
We’re looking for someone?

LAST
His name is Miles. Has anybody seen him?

CROSS
Miles? You know a Miles?

POWERBALL
Uh … you know, seems like maybe I did meet a Miles. I don’t know. 

LAST
Well can’t you remember?

POWERBALL
That sounds like a lot of work … hold on.

CIGARETTES
You know who would know. You should talk to Stumpy.

RILEY
Stumpy?

NO PASSING
Oh yeah!

CROSS
Stumpy knows everybody here. He’s been here longer than anybody.

POWERBALL
But I already put all this effort into remembering?

RENDER
Well did you remember?

POWERBALL
[exhausted from the effort, or bored:] I don’t know. 

CROSS
Who’s looking for him?

LAST
I am. I’m his fiance. I’m Last Liquor Store for One Hundred.

CROSS
Nice to meet you Last Liquor Store for One Hundred, I’m Cross Traffic Does Not Stop.

LAST
Nice to meet you too Cross Traffic Does Not Stop.

CROSS
This here’s No Passing School Zone.

NO PASSING
Hi there!

LAST
Hi.

CIGARETTES
I’m Cigarettes Sold at State Minimum.

LAST
Nice to meet you.

POWERBALL
And I’m Powerball 138 Million.

RENDER
[to RILEY:] You getting all this?

RILEY
Ugh - sounds like a lot of work. 

LAST
Can y’all take me to meet Stumpy.

NO PASSING
Oh, he’s just that way. You can’t miss him - 

RILEY
Is he the one with three legs?

NO PASSING
You know him?

RILEY
Just a guess.

RENDER
It was a good guess. 

RILEY
Render! Really?

NO PASSING
It’s just that way - 

CROSS
Oh, come on - we’ll all go with you.

CIGARETTES
Sounds like a lot of work … 

POWERBALL
Are you kidding - how often do you get to see a real-life Rubilee?

CIGARETTES
Alright, I’m coming, I’m coming. 

NO PASSING
It’s this way. 

(They all walk down the boardwalk, passing scores of other alligators, all whispering:

(“Is that a Rubilee?” - “she’s got a Rubilee with her?” - “Where are they going with that Rubilee?” - etc.)


RILEY
Well aren’t you the life of the party. 

RENDER
I know. 

Hey - I’ve got a question. And I’m not asking for any particular, “wouldn’t it be fun if we did this” reason - but do you ever all line up in the water and let people run across your backs Live-and-Let-Die-style?

(There is an uproar of consternation from the Alligators:)

(“What did he just say?” - “Is he being serious?” - “The nerve!”)

Oh. Alright - I get it. 

[to RILEY:] They prefer Sean Connery.

(And, yup, that’s it. All the Alligators try on their best Sean Connery impersonations. RILEY, RENDER and TAIWAN join in:)

(“Losers always whine about doing their best.” - “You’re all wet! But my martini’s still dry.” - “The name’s Bond, James Bond.” - “I am the last one!”)

RILEY
Was that a Dragonheart reference?

RENDER
Nice. 

(STUMPY hears all the commotion.)

STUMPY
Who’s that coming up the way? 

CROSS
She’s looking for a friend.


LAST
My fiance.

STUMPY
Well, if your fiance is here, I can help you sort that out. And who are your friends?

RILEY
I’m Riley.

RENDER
And I’m -

STUMPY
Well my my - I haven’t seen a Rubilee in quite some time. Hello.

RENDER
Hi. I’m Render.

STUMPY
And I’m Fines Doubled When Workers Present. But my friends call me Stumpy. 

RENDER
Is that … me? Do I call you Stumpy. 

STUMPY
… yeah.

RENDER
Great, sorry, thought maybe it was a test. 

TAIWAN
Um … I’m also here. I’m not just this alligator’s hat. Taiwan 1000.

STUMPY
And who are we looking for!

TAIWAN
Oh, you weren’t listening… got it. 

LAST
Me. I’m looking for my fiance. His name is Miles.

STUMPY
Miles? Hmm … Miles … Does seem like I’ve run into a Miles around here lately. 

Was he about this tall?

LAST
Yeah.

STUMPY
This long? 

LAST
Yeah.

STUMPY
Green? 

LAST
Yeah.

STUMPY
Long snout?

LAST
Yeah.

STUMPY
Whole buncha teeth?

LAST
Yeah.

STUMPY
Didn’t have any stumps, did he?


LAST
No.

STUMPY
Hmm … Does seem like I’ve seen somebody like that around here.

Oh, Miles! Yes, Miles!

Wait, then that would make you … Last Liquor Store for One Hundred!

LAST
You’ve heard of me?

STUMPY
Heard of you! You’re all he ever talks about. Lovely to meet you - lovely to meet you!

Somebody, quick, go and fetch Miles.

(And now a chorus of, “ … that sounds like a lot of work.”)

Oh alright, just down the line for him.

(A game of telephone - “Miles!” - “Miles! - “Have you seen Miles?” - “Go get Miles” - “Miles!”)

(MILES comes up from underwater right beside LAST.)

MILES
Last Liquor Store for One Hundred!

LAST
Miles!

STUMPY
Hold up! Hold up, everybody, he was already here.

POWERBALL
Do we have to shout down the line again?

STUMPY
No, that seems like a lot of work. 

LAST
You were right here the whole time?

MILES
I was laying on the bottom with my snout sticking up. I thought I smelled you. I was honna come up and check … but it seemed like a lot of work.

LAST
Darling, I was so worried.

MILES
I was afraid you might be. I was worried for you!

LAST
But I don’t understand, what happened?

MILES
It’s a crazy story. A guy put me in the back of his truck. And now I’m here.

LAST
That’s crazy.

MILES
I know! I wanted to go back and find you, I thought about it all the time - 

RILEY, RENDER, TAIWAN
But it seemed like a lot of work. 

LAST
And I wanted to come looking for you. It was all I thought about -

RILEY, RENDER, TAIWAN
But it seemed like a lot of work. 

MILES
So, how did you get here?
LAST
I found a Rubilee, just walking thru the woods, with his roadies. 

RILEY
Hey! We’re not his - 

TAIWAN
I mean I get it. But I don’t like it. 

MILES
You came all this way for me?

LAST
Of course! I would do anything for you.

MILES
Oh, that makes me love you even more. 

LAST
I love you, Miles.

MILES
I love you, Last Liquor Store for One Hundred.

I just wanna … bit you on your snout.

(HE does.)

LAST
I just want to bite you on your snout.

(SHE does.)

(THEY do. Alligator make-out session, which is mostly biting.)

RILEY
Oh my, are you seeing this?


RENDER
Who would dare look away.

RILEY
Seems like that’s gonna get infected.

RENDER
So much tongue. 

TAIWAN
How is this not too much work?

(RILEY stops this love affair.)

RILEY
Ok. This has to stop. 

I just … don’t understand.

I’ve seen alligators before. In zoos, aquariums, at the beach. I’ve been to the Everrglades! And they don’t talk. And they’re not named after road signs or gas station marquees. And they don’t … make out!

I’m … so confused. 

MILES
Oh. I can explain. You see: 

We’re lazy.

(All together:) 

LAST
So lazy. 

NO PASSING
Yeah, we’re lazy.


CROSS
We’re lazy.

CIGARETTES
I’m exhausted just explaining it.

MILES
We alligators learned a long time ago that if we just sit still and don’t say anything you dumb humans will just walk up and hand us food. 

RILEY
You’re on an alligator farm. Big Jay Erwin is gonna make boots out of you.

MILES
Oh sure, some of us. But if you want to lounge about in the sun all day getting fed raw chicken cutlets, every once in a while you’re gonna get made into boots. 

RILEY
Every once in a while!

RENDER
So … are crocodiles monsters too?

MILES
Crocodiles! Are you crazy? Crocodiles are big dumb green animals that live in the water. 

NO PASSING
Our snouts are different!

STUMPY
Friends! Friends! Let’s not let a reason to celebrate turn hostile. These people may not understand out ways, but they’re still our … honored guests.

LAST
Render, I can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. And Miles.

RENDER
Well, of course. Seeing you happy makes me happy. 

LAST
Well, if I may, as a token of my thanks … I would like to honor you with my mouth.

RENDER
I’m sorry, what?

RILEY
[vindicated:] There it is.

MOUTH
Actually, we’d like to honor all three of you with our mouths.

RENDER
I don’t think I understand.

LAST
We open our mouths.

MILES
You lay across them. 

LAST
And we … 

BOTH
Honor you. 

RENDER
I’m just having a hard time understanding the -

RILEY
Eat you. They want to eat you.

CIGARETTES
I want to honor you with my mouth.

CROSS
Me too - I’d like to honor you.

POWERBALL
Can I honor you with my mouth?

NO PASSING
I wanna do some mouth honorin’!

TAIWAN
Ok, Riley - I can’t believe I’m saying this. As much as I would like you to be eaten, I very much would like to live which, unfortunately, means I need you to live. 

I’ll get the big one - you figure out how to get us out of this.

RILEY
Oh, Taiwan 1000 - I knew how we were getting out of this the second we walked in.

TAIWAN
Render, pick me up.

RENDER
Yep.

RILEY
Like we practiced - 1, 2, 3 - 

ALL THREE
Run for it!

(RILEY, RENDER and TAIWAN run for it.)

STUMPY
Don’t let them get away!

NO PASSING
I was gonna honor you!

CIGARETTES
No fair zig-zagging!

(RENDER and RILEY stop running.)
RENDER
Riley?

RILEY
[from far off:] Render! What are you doing over there!

RENDER
There are no rules to zig-zags!

RILEY
Keep moving and stay close to the water!

RENDER
What are you going to do?

RILEY
What does it look like?

RENDER
Is that airboat? That is awesome.

TAIWAN
Render, we gotta keep moving.

MILES
Mind if I honor you with my mouth?

(RENDER screams. Runs.)

RENDER
They’re coming at us from both sides.

TAIWAN
We can go down that dock.

(RILEY cranks the airboat.)

RENDER
Now what do we do? We can’t go any further.
RILEY
Render I’m coming.

(A door opens. BIG JAY ERWIN comes outside to see what all the commotion is about.)

BIG JAY
What in the world is going on out here.

STUMPY
It’s Big Jay - everybody freeze!

BIG JAY
Those teenagers are stealing my airboat again!

RENDER
Teenagers?

TAIWAN
She wishes.

BIG JAY
Momma - get me my big gator whomping stick!

LAST
Render - you can’t leave yet.

RENDER
Last Liquor Store For One Hundred - you can really want to do this!

LAST
I’m gonna make a wedding cake out of you.

RENDER
Riley’s not gonna make it here in time.

TAIWAN
Render look at the alligators in the water, floating in a neat row … like stepping stones.


RENDER
Live and Let Die!

TAIWAN
Let’s Roger Moore these monsters!

(LAST lunges forward, her mouth open. RENDER leaps.)

CIGARETTES
Are they doing what I think they’re -

(SPLOOSH)

CROSS
You know this is in pretty poor taste!

(SPLOOSH)

NO PASSING
I’d move, but it seems like a lot of - 

(SPLOOSH)

POWERBALL
Do you ever wish Timothy Dalton made a third film?

(SPLOOSH)

(The airboat makes it in time. RENDER and TAIWAN crash down, sliding away on the water.)

(TAIWAN is playing “Live and Let Die” thru his speakers.)

RENDER
Is that Paul McCartney and Wings? 

TAIWAN
My owner’s kid downloaded it from Napster?

RENDER
It’s a terrible mp3 quality.

TAIWAN
I think there’s water in my speaker.

(The next morning. Loading the GMC Safari.)

RENDER
Well Crypto-Curious - I have to hand it to Riley’s mother. After we left the lake, we got a little lost on that river. But Riley made a bunch of random left and right turns and … we made it back to camp.

RILEY
… you have no choice but to end up where you’re supposed to be.

All loaded up?

RENDER
All set. Are we keeping the tent?

RILEY
I figured we can tape it back together. Did you get the food down? 

RENDER
You’re not gonna believe this. The bag was empty. Maybe there really are 50 foot - 

(RILEY clamps his moth shut.)

RILEY
Quit. Speaking it. Into existence.

RENDER
You don’t think we should investigate?

RILEY
Render, last night was all shenanigans. We’re gonna be at the third clue by tonight, which will almost certainly be all shenanigans. But, between here and there, we are officially in a shenanigan-free zone.
RILEY
Besides - we’ve already got another stop to make.

[to herself:] And if we don’t do it now, my understanding is we can’t do it for another 100 miles. 

Load up everybody.

(RENDER climbs into the GMC Safari.)

RILEY
Seatbelts?

RENDER
Check.

RILEY
Directions to the third clue?

RENDER
Check.

TAIWAN
Everybody got all their limbs?

RILEY
Check.

(RILEY cranks the GMC Safari.)

RENDER
All, Crypto-Curious, I guess that’s it. And, Hey! I guess we’ll see you again real soon!

And as they say where I’m from, “But Iris, if it’s outside, then what’s clawing at the basement door!”

(end of episode.)



Credits

HARPER
Hi, this is Harper Lee. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as Fines Doubled When Workers Present -

DAVE
You can call me Stumpy.

HARPER
Dylan Shelton as Miles, Alexx Rouse as Cigarettes Sold at State Minimum, Zach Robinson as No Passing School Zone, Caitlyn McWethy as Cross Traffic Does Not Stop, Grayson Halonen as Powerball 138 Million, and me, Harper Lee as Last Liquor Store for One Hundred. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio 

More information, including transcripts can be found at QueenCityFlash.com