The Bloodskipper

Render, Riley and Taiwan 1000 finally arrive at the location of their third and final clue  stolen from the Aghast! Menagerie. Professor Bunion's already there, and so is a Sheriff who keeps turning up in surprising places.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000!
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion
Jacob Hauser as Petey
Miranda Phair as "Hey, Are these Night Crawlers Fresh?"
and Special Guest Joe Mock as Sheriff Pinkerton!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

----------

Loving Have Monster, Will Travel?
Rate and Review: https://bio.site/havemonsterwilltravel

Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
Contact info: queencityflash@gmail.com

----------

From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 11: The Bloodskipper

(The 1996 GMC Safari, en route.)

RENDER
Willis.

RILEY
mmm …

RENDER
Bruce?

RILEY
I don’t know …

RENDER
Bruce Willis.

RILEY
There already is a Bruce Willis.

RENDER
But is he well known?

TAIWAN
He plays Bruno the Kid … in Bruno to the Kid!

My previous owner’s kid loves that movie. 

RENDER
Oh.

RILEY
Crypto-Curious, sometimes it can be hard to pass the time on a road trip. I mean, you can only play so many hours of I-Spy before wanting to stab your eyes out … with something green.

RENDER
Billy Bob?

RILEY
No.

RENDER
Bobby Bill? 

RILEY
No!

RENDER
William Robert?

RILEY
But today we are filling the time with a little bit of an identity crisis. 

RENDER
A little bit!

RILEY
We’re spiraling, Crypto-Curious. 

RENDER
Riley - I am not spiraling. I’m just picking a new name … And it has to happen before we get to the lake!

RILEY
Well not to pressure you, but we’re almost there.

RENDER
That does pressure me!

RILEY
Render - 

RENDER
Don’t call me that.

RILEY
What is wrong with your name? 

RENDER
Well, for one, I didn’t pick it.

RILEY
Most people don’t pick their own name. 


RENDER
Taiwan 1000 picked his.

TAIWAN
To commemorate the destruction of the human race.

RENDER
It’s a great name.

TAIWAN 
Thank you, but I already knew that.

RILEY
I like your name.

RENDER
I know you do. 

Riley. When you named me, you had no idea what I was. But now, I do know. And like, Render the Rubilee? Does that even sound right?

RILEY
Render … 

(RENDER growls.)

Sorry. Sorry. Look, if this is important to you, why don’t you take your time and think about it.

RENDER
And what, just not have a name! No. It has to happen now. And it has to be unique. 

Regis Philbin. 

RILEY
That’s already a person.

RENDER
Really? Uh … Sally … Jessy … Raphael!

RILEY
That one’s also taken. 

RENDER
Oh come on, quick hogging all the good names, lady.

[panicking:] uh. uh. uh. Engelbert Humperdinck!

(RENDER is panting, exhausted.)

RILEY
You’re not gonna like this.

RENDER
Taken?

RILEY
There are two of them. 

RENDER
How!

TAIWAN
If you like, I could do an internet search for top 100 monster names. 

RENDER
Could you? That would be so helpful.

RILEY
Taiwan 1000, you have the internet?

TAIWAN
Uh, yeah. 100 monster names, coming right up. Just let me ask Jeeves … 

He’s not in right now. 

RILEY
I just don’t know if you’re going to be happy with anything when you’re speeding thru it like this.

(Police Siren.)

Oh no, was I speeding. 

No. It’s a 35 mile per hour zone.

Crap. Alright, get in the back and hide. 

(RENDER squirms into the way back.)

RILEY (cont.)
Are you under your blankets?

RENDER
Hold on, they’re twisted. 

RILEY
Faster please.

RENDER
Ok, I’m good. 

RILEY
Alright, I’m pulling over.

(RILEY stops the Safari.She digs thru the dash.)

TAIWAN
Riley, you want me to incapacitate him?

RILEY
Not a word from either one of you!

(SHERIFF PINKERTON approaches RILEY’S window.)

PINKERTON
Afternoon. 

RILEY
Hi.

PINKERTON
License, Registration, Proof of Insurance.

RILEY
Sure.

(RILEY hands it over.)

Is there something wrong, Officer?

PINKERTON
Sheriff.

RILEY
Oh, sorry, Sheriff - 

PINKERTON
Pinkerton. Sheriff Pinkerton.

Any idea how fast you were going?

RILEY
35?

PINKERTON
I clocked you at 34. 

RILEY
The speed limit’s 35, I thought.

PINKERTON
Well, that’s what the sign says. But people around here understand that if says 35, it really means 25.
RILEY
But it says 35? 

PINKERTON
We’re a small community. Where you’re from, maybe it’s customary to rip up and down like a rocketship, but here - we like to look after one another. 

RILEY
Are you writing me a ticket?

PINKERTON
Only way to learn.

RILEY
You couldn’t just let me off with a warning.

PINKERTON
Well … we find it’s better if you just pay the fine. 

RILEY
For doing 34 in a 35? 

PINKERTON
Hey - you are well within your rights to contest it. 
PINKERTON (cont.)
They close early on Fridays, but Monday morning you can go one down to the County Clerk’s office and run them thru your whole “34 in a 35” story. 

Lord knows it won’t be the first time somebody’s tried that defense. 

(Ripping the ticket off his pad.)

Here ya go.

(appraising the Safari:)

Lot of room for one person. Kind of a mess in the back.

RILEY
Camping! Camping gear, mostly. 

PINKERTON
… You planning on camping around here?

RILEY
Down on the lake. 

PINKERTON
Got a tag? 

RILEY
For … 

PINKERTON
Gotta have a tag to camp on the lake. Go on down to the stop sign, turn right. Two miles down there’s a Conoco station. You can give them your five dollars, register your campsite and they’ll give you a tag. 

RILEY
Uh. Thank you, Sheriff.

PINKERTON
People around here call me Pinky. Here’s your license … Katherine. Have a nice time camping.

And slow it down, will ya?

(PINKERTON leaves. RILEY waits, and sighs a big breath of relief.)

RENDER
Who’s Katherine?

RILEY
Oh … you know. That’s my real name. 

RENDER
Are you kidding!

(THEME SONG.)

(Back in the Safari. RENDER is snickering over something.)

Are we recording?

RILEY
Yeah. You ok?

(RENDER is absolutely tickled pink.)

RENDER
I just forget how bad it is. 

I can’t. You read it.

RILEY
I’m driving. Get it together. 

RENDER
Ok. Well, can you set it up for me? 

RILEY
Crypto-Curious. After many miles and many adventures we have arrived at the location of the third clue from the Aghast! Menagerie. A large, pristine lake nestled between verdant, rolling hills. 

RENDER
Blue skies. Clear water. Two thumbs up. 

RILEY
Tucked away next to a sleepy little town where, trust me, nothing moves too quickly. 

But don’t let the scenery lull you, because this lake holds a dark secret. 

BOTH
The Bloodskipper. 

TAIWAN
Wait - are you guys speaking in unison. I wasn’t ready. 

ALL THREE
… The Bloodskipper.

TAIWAN
I never know when you two are going to do that. 

RENDER
Sorry!

RILEY
The Bloodskipper, which sounds sinister … however - 

(RENDER snickers.)

There’s something we’ve not been telling you.

Brondon Fennimore, the late, great author of the Aghast! Menagerie … is a terrible writer. 

These are his, unedited notes on the Bloodskipper:

RENDER
Ok. Ok. Keep it together. 

(Deep Breath.)

“The Bloodskipper.

Imagine if a mudskipper and a push mower made out so hard that their braces stuck together. This menacing creature, which resembles an inflatable pool shark with a circular maw of scissor-action teeth, is a fast-gliding lake skimmer that feeds along the shoreline, clearcutting everything in its path. 

The bloodskipper is most active around dusk but bring binoculars as you’ll want to keep well clear of the water.”

RILEY
And then there’s a drawing that … Crypto-Curious, your own mother wouldn’t put this on the fridge. 
RENDER
Oo - there’s also the map.

RILEY
Right - a hand-drawn map of the lake which shows the location of the best camping spot to witness the Bloodskipper, which is pretty helpful since we are pulling up the Conoco station now. 

Ok. I’ll be right back.

RENDER
Want the map?

RILEY
Yeah. Thanks. 

You two need anything?

RENDER
Something blue. 

RILEY
Like … a drink? Gummies?

RENDER
Something blue, please.

RILEY
Got it. Taiwan 1000?

TAIWAN
If they’ve got anything made out of crushed and ground up human remains. 

RILEY
And if they don’t have that?

TAIWAN
Oh … Salt and vinegar chips. 

RILEY
Right. Be right back.

(RILEY exits the Safari.)


TAIWAN
What about something with a number in it? 

RENDER
Huh?

TAIWAN
I like a name that has a big, round number in it.

RENDER
I don’t know if that sounds like me … 

TAIWAN
Eh. You’ll find it. 

(The Gas Station.)

PINKERTON
Afternoon.

RILEY
Um. Hello again.

PINKERTON
Help you with anything? 

RILEY
You also work here? 

PINKERTON
Oh - you must be talking about my twin brother. You met the Sheriff, huh?

RILEY
Yeah. He pulled me over.

PINKERTON
Speeding?

RILEY
34 in a 35. 

PINKERTON
That sounds like my brother. He’s kind of an odd duck. 

RILEY
Yeah, seemed that way.

PINKERTON
I mean, who gives out speeding tickets for going under?

RILEY
That’s what I’m saying.

PINKERTON
Still, I suppose every family’s got one.

RILEY
Tell me about it.

(PINKERTON slams his hand down on the counter.)

PINKERTON
I’m just kidding, I have no twin brother!

RILEY
Aaaah! Why would you do that? 

PINKERTON
We’re a small town, we get in our laughs where we can.

[genial:] Have a look around. Holler if you have any questions. 

RILEY
[under her breath:] ugh. get me out of here.

(RILEY goes to grab chips and “something blue”)

CUSTOMER
Hey Pinky, how fresh are these night crawlers?

PINKERTON
Pretty fresh.

(CUSTOMER approaches the counter.)

CUSTOMER
I just come from the diner. Tammy had a fella today, tried to pay her in gold coins, you believe that?
PINKERTON
Believe it? Look at this - 

(Gold coins rattle on the countertop.)

He just filled up a minute ago.

CUSTOMER
And you let him pay with these?

PINKERTON
I’d have paid for that man’s gas just to hold ‘em.

You think they’re real?

CUSTOMER
I don’t know.

PINKERTON
They look real to me.

CUSTOMER
Well, they’re supposed to look real, that’s the whole point.

PINKERTON
Maybe. Still, kinda nice.

CUSTOMER
Yeah … Alright - I’ll catch up with ya tomorrow. See ya, Pinky.

PINKERTON
Take it slow.

CUSTOMER
You too.

(CUSTOMER exits. RILEY steps up to the counter.)

PINKERTON
This all?

RILEY
And the camping tag. 

PINKERTON
Right! Registration book’s right there.

(RILEY pulls out her map.)

RILEY
You know of any good camping spots close to this? 

(RILEY slides her map over.)

PINKERTON
Sure do, but it’s taken for the weekend - people come here for the peace and quiet, we try not to overcrowd them. 

But if you’re wanting a good view of the lake, there’s a good spot not too far. 

(RILEY takes the registration book.)

RILEY
Is this the other camper?

PINKERTON
Showed up this morning. Pulled up to the dock in this little pontoon boat, going nice and slow, no wake, no loud music, nice fella. 

(Sliding the coin over)

This look real to you?

RILEY
I don’t know. 

PINKERTON
Looks real to me. 

Cash or card? 

(The Safari. RILEY climbs back in.)

RILEY
You’re not going to believe who’s here.

RENDER
Well hello, Katherine. 
RILEY
Ok. I deserved that. 

(RILEY climbs in. She takes a second to get settled. Finally:)

My full name is Katherine Riley. They named me after mom, but my whole life I’ve always gone by Riley. 

When Mom died, it felt weird no longer having a Katherine in the family so I started going by Riley Kate, but it just … never really felt right. Like I was trying to fill a very big hole with something small. 

I’m sorry I wasn’t hearing you today. You haven’t had one quiet moment to yourself since finding out you were a Rubilee, no moment to just sit and be with your thoughts. 

You’re still figuring out who you are. And I think that’s great.

You take as much time as you need. I love you no matter who you are. And whatever name you decide on is going to be perfect. 

(They sit for a moment, thinking.)

And not to add too much more to your plate … 

Bunion’s here.

(from the back:)

TAIWAN
Can I have my crushed-up human snack? 

(The Lake.)

RENDER
This is perfect!

RILEY
I think so.

RENDER
If Bunion’s here, then that means the Menagerie is here. 

RILEY
And we have a map to his campsite.

RENDER
And he has no idea that we’re here. 

RILEY
It’s the perfect storm. 

RENDER
We hang out, catch a sight of the bloodskipper - maybe see if we can ride them jet skis? And then tonight, ambush the dastardly Professor Bunion and get back the menagerie. 

RILEY
Well, we never really had it.

RENDER
And get, for the first time -

RILEY
I’m with you.

RENDER
This was the break we needed. 

RILEY
Ok, well don’t get your hopes up. We still have to do it. 

TAIWAN
Yeah, stealing the menagerie is something you’re actually very good at. 

RILEY
Thanks Taiwan 1000. 

RENDER
Oh come on, he’s just doing his part. Behind every winning team there’s always that one … really disappointed Dad. 

Tonight’s the night - I can feel it. 

How long til dusk?

RILEY
Not for a while, babe. 


RENDER
Ugh, It needs to hurry up. 

RILEY
That’s the nice part, Sugar Bomb - days are getting longer. 

Just enjoy the downtime. 

RENDER
How can I enjoy the downtime when Professor Bunion is literally right over there with possible answers to who I am? 

RILEY
Well you can’t move the sun faster. 

RENDER
But I want to.

Riley, make the sun go away.

(RILEY places a calming hand on RENDER.)

RILEY
Hey. You just have to wait.

RENDER
It doesn’t feel fair.

RILEY
I know. 

RENDER
I’m tired of having to wait to learn who I am.

RILEY
I know. 

But we can’t control that. Take a deep breath. 

(They breathe.)

And another.

(They breathe.)
RILEY (cont.)
You see that big open sky? And that big yellow sun? And all that big blue water?

It sucks to have to sit and wait, but that’s what places like this were made for. Maybe this is the perfect place for you to be right now: next to the water, watching the cloud slowly move past. 

Maybe it’s a good thing that we’ve got a little daylight left.

(They take one more deep breath together.)

TAIWAN
Hey. What’s that blurry thing on the opposite shore? 

(The TRIO stand and look.)

RILEY
It’s moving fast. 

RENDER
That’s a bloodskipper.

RILEY
We don’t know that.

TAIWAN
What else could that be?

RENDER
Look at the distance it’s covering. It’s already making it around to our side. 

RILEY
Ok. Let’s get away from the shore.

RENDER
It looks huge from here. 

RILEY
Hey, get away from the water. 

RENDER
I’m gonna move in time. 

TAIWAN
You sure?
RENDER
Aaah!

(RENDER jumps back as something large and fast zooms by in a gust of wind.) 

RILEY, TAIWAN
Whoa! AAha! 

RENDER
That was wild!

TAIWAN
Looks like it’s doubling back.

RILEY
Can you please come away from the water?

(The BLOODSKIPPER slides to a halt in the shallow water next to them. It snuffles in low breaths.)

RENDER
Riley … 

RILEY
Okay that’s close enough.

RENDER
Look at those teeth.

RILEY
Uh, yeah. I was. 

RENDER
I mean, Brondon Fennimore might be a bad writer, but I’ll say this for him. He wasn’t wrong. 

RILEY
Looks like a big ole inflatable pool shark. 

RENDER
Hi there big fella. Riley, I think it wants me to pet it. 

RILEY
How could you possibly get that?

RENDER
Oh come on, it’s friendly. 

RILEY
Please get back up on the shore. 

RENDER
Oh, you want a closer look at this one.

RILEY
I definitely do not. 

(The BLOODSKIPPER retreats into the water.)

RENDER
Wait. Where are you going? It’s ok. You don’t have to be scared of - 

(The BLOODSKIPPER lunges forward, swallowing TAIWAN 1000 in a single gulp. Everyone screams. You get it.)

RENDER
Taiwan 1000!

TAIWAN
[inside:] Help!

RILEY
Hey - give him back!

RENDER
Don’t run at it. 

(The BLOODSKIPPER lunges again, swallowing RILEY. There is an appropriate amount of alarm.)

Riley! Taiwan 1000!

RILEY
[inside:] Render! Sorry. Sorry, I know. Just a little panicked. 

RENDER
You ok? 


RILEY
I mean … yes? 

It’s not chewing. So that’s a start.

Can you pry its mouth open?

RENDER
You want me to put my hands in there? 

RILEY
I would like us to be out of here!

RENDER
Let me see if I can find a branch of something.

I’ll be right back.

RILEY
Don’t leave.

RENDER
I need something for leverage!

(RENDER runs away from the lake, into the nearby woods. RENDER finds a large branch and rushes back towards the shore.)

(They’re gone.)

Riley! Taiwan 1000!

Great. Now what? 

(RENDER realizes what he has to do.)

There’s only one man who can help me. 

(PROFESSOR BUNION’S campsite. RENDER runs up to BUNION, who has his back turned.)

Professor! Professor! Professor … 

(RENDER grabs BUNION, spinning him around. BUNION, in shock, screams.)

RENDER (cont.)
Ok, relax Professor, it’s me, it’s me!

BUNION
Big guy!

RENDER
Yes! Big guy! Wait, seriously?

BUNION
No. It can’t be. I just sent you back to the E-vite Horizon. 

RENDER
Oh, I know. You did send me back to the E-vite Horizon, but I’m back. I’m back from the - 

I’m sorry, what?

BUNION
You just left here.

RENDER
I just got here.

BUNION
No. From before.

RENDER
This is the first time I’ve seen you in weeks. 

BUNION
No. You showed up with that crazy old man who claims to be a scientist. He had the almanac with him!

RENDER
Ok. I don’t know what that is. Ignore that. I need you now. They’ve been eaten.

BUNION
Wait. Eaten? Big guy - where’s Riley and the little guy?

RENDER
Is Riley’s name the only one you know?

BUNION
I’m better at faces.
RENDER
You don’t know my name? 

BUNION
It’s embarrassing, I know. 

RENDER
No. It’s me! Benji!

BUNION
Oh. Benji! Of course, I remember now. 

What happened to the others. 

RENDER
I can explain on the way. But first, we need your boat. 

BUNION
Sure. Just as soon as you give me back the pages you stole from my book. 

(Inside the BLOODSKIPPER.)

TAIWAN
Help! Get me out of here! I can’t be eaten. I can’t be eaten.

RILEY
Taiwan 1000, it’s okay. Calm down.

TAIWAN
Calm down! Calm down! What kind of advice is that?!

We gotta get out of here - we gotta get out of here - we gotta get out of here.

I know! I’ll ask Jeeves, he’ll know what to do.

He’s still out - where does he go?!

(The commotion upsets the BLOODSKIPPER. It lets out a deep moan.)

RILEY
You’ve got to get a hold of yourself.



TAIWAN
We’re being devoured!

RILEY
No, we’re not.

TAIWAN
Uh … look around. We’re sitting on a giant tongue!

RILEY
But we’re still here. If it’s not chewing, it’s not eating us. And if it’s not eating us, then we’ve still got a chance. Render’s out there. He’ll find us. He’ll get us out. 

When you’re in trouble, look for a Rubilee. 

(TAIWAN is breathing heavily, frantic.)

I promise you, we’re ok. 

TAIWAN
You don’t understand. Being eaten alive … it’s like my greatest fear.

RILEY
Really? 

TAIWAN
What could be worse.

RILEY
I mean … Dad was always worried about lightning strikes and power surges. 

TAIWAN
No. Believe me. There’s nothing worse than being eaten alive. 

RILEY
Look. I know you don’t trust me. And I really don’t know how to compare these things, so I won’t say we’ve been in tougher scrapes - but we’ve definitely been in adjacent scrapes. You and me, we’re gonna make it out of this. Together. Nobody’s getting eaten today. 

TAIWAN
[scared, sincerely:] But if it has to happen, you promise you’ll go first. 

RILEY
Hey. It’s not going to come to that. 
RILEY (cont.)
Come here.

(TAIWAN starts moaning distrustfully.) 

I just wanna … 

(RILEY spits onto her sleeve.)

You’ve got … finger smudges all over your screen. 

(RILEY wipes away TAIWAN’S smudges.)

There. How’s that feel?


TAIWAN
Better.

RILEY
Good. Come here.

(TAIWAN 1000 slides closer. RILEY puts her arm around him.)

I don’t know how - but this is as bad as it gets today. It’s all up from here.

TAIWAN
You promise?

RILEY
Yes I do.

TAIWAN
And we’re getting out of here?

RILEY
If I say it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen. 

(BUNION’S Pontoon Boat.)

RENDER
Does this boat go any faster?


BUNION
No it does not. 

RENDER
Really? I don’t wanna sound ungrateful, I just assumed that using your boat would be the fastest way to -

BUNION
Well I’m pushing her pretty hard into the red as it is.

RENDER
In my head, I was just kinda picturing this, like, daring rescue. 

BUNION
Well I’m sorry my uncle Alvin’s pontoon boat isn’t up to your standards.

RENDER
I think I could light the candles on a birthday cake right now. 

BUNION
We are cutting across the middle of the lake. That’s faster than going along the shore. 

RENDER
… I guess. 

Maybe it’s a weight thing. Should we try throwing things overboard?

BUNION
I’ve listened to your podcast.

RENDER
Oh … Did you rate and review? You gotta rate and review. 

BUNION
I don’t like the way I’m being portrayed. 

RENDER
Excuse me?

BUNION
You two portray me like I’m some sort of bumbling amateur, like I have no idea what I’m doing. People laugh at me.


RENDER
Not to your face, we don’t.

BUNION
On the forums. You two have completely destroyed my credibility. 

RENDER
And you think that’s an “us” thing?

BUNION
You’re the amateurs, not me. I have worked for this.

RENDER
You don’t think I have a right to be here? This is personal to me. 

BUNION
You have no training. The only experience you have is in getting swallowed. And you’re dragging me down with you.

RENDER
You don’t think you’d have a little more credibility if you dropped the silly voice? 

BUNION
What?

RENDER
I mean, that can’t be real, right? There’s no way a teacher didn’t flag that. 

BUNION
This is how Cryptozoologists speak! This is how we all sound.

Here, I’ll show you.

(BUNION takes out his cell phone and dials. PETEY answers. His voice is atrocious.)

PETEY
Who is this?

BUNION
Sorry, new number. This is Eric McDermott -

PETEY
Big D, Two Ts!

BUNION
Petey! How’s it going?

PETEY
What’s that? Hold on. 

BUNION
Oh, can you hear me ok? There might be some wind.

PETEY
No no - your end’s crystal clear, it’s me. I’m out in the field, thought I heard something.

BUNION
Out in the field?

PETEY
Can’t tell you where, you understand. Been tracking a Neanderthatu for three days now - real nasty one too. 

RENDER
What’s a Neanderthatu?

PETEY
Whoa whoa whoa - who’s there. Big D, you didn’t tell me this wasn’t a secure line.

BUNION
It’s ok. He’s with me.

PETEY
… Why’s he sound like that? 

BUNION
Oh! It uh … It’s like a mentorship thing.

PETEY
And he doesn’t know what a Neanderthatu is? [taunting:] Warning! Get yourself a better mentor!

BUNION
We just started, that’s all! A Neanderthatu is a Neanderthal Nosferatu. 

RENDER
So like a vampire in a loincloth? 


PETEY
Vampire in a loincloth! D, where did you find this guy, OKCryptid.com? 

Kid - A Neanderthatu is a Neanderthat who has been bitten and become the undead, which is completely different and distinct from a Nosferatu that is earlier on the evolutionary timeline. 

They’re nothing alike!

RENDER
So … what do you call a vampire in a loincloth? 

PETEY
A Caveman Dracula. 

Oh! Hey - I gotta go, it’s on the move again.

BUNION
Thanks, Petey!

PETEY
Talk to you later … Professor Bunion. Hey Kid, ask your mentor about that. Ha!

(BUNION hangs up.)

BUNION
You see? Laughing stock. 

RENDER
Well, I’m sorry you’re being treated like this, but that has nothing to do with us. If you know our show, then you know why we’re out here. You know how important the Menagerie is to us and what it could mean for me. And you still have no interest in helping, in sharing, when it could change my life.

Who cares how our podcast portrays you - what does that say about you?

(Police sirens. Again. PINKERTON is heard coming over a megaphone.)

PINKERTON
Cut your engine and prepare to be boarded. This is the department of Fish and Wildlife. 

(RENDER and BUNCION scream.)

BUNION
Get down!
(RENDER drops to the deck of the pontoon boat.)

BUNION (cont.)
Hide!

RENDER
Where? Not like there’s anywhere to go.

BUNION
The bench seats up front are hollow inside. Toss out the life jackets and crawl in. 

(RENDER scurries.)

PINKERTON
Cut your engine!

BUNION
Benji, you’ve got to hurry.

RENDER
The lid won’t come down.

BUNION
Hold on … Deep breath in.

(BUNION jump/sits on the lid and it closes, RENDER yelps. BUNION runs back and cuts the engine.)

Oh, Snobobber. 

RENDER
[muffled:] Snobobber?

(PINKERTON’S boat pulls alongside.)

PINKERTON
Afternoon.

BUNION
Uh, hi there, uh - 

PINKERTON
Lewis Pinkerton, Commissioner with Fish and Wildlife. 

BUNION
Is there anything I can do for you -

PINKERTON
Call me, Pinky. Just a routine stop. Saw you out on the lake. Thought you might be out fishing, but nobody’s bought a hunting and fishing license down at the Conoco lately. 

BUNION
Oh, no - I don’t hunt or fish.

PINKERTON
Lot of life jackets on the ground.

BUNION
I like having them close. Makes me feel safe.

PINKERTON
I suppose. Just make sure they don’t blow away.

BUNION
It’s less of an issue than you might think.

PINKERTON
You know, most people keep them up here in the - 

BUNION 
Wait! I wouldn’t -

(PINKERTON opens the bench seat and finds RENDER.)

PINKERTON
Well, hello there.

[to BUNION:] Thought you weren’t a hunter.

BUNION
Oh no I didn’t! You don’t understand! It’s uh - 

RENDER
Hi, I’m Benji.

PINKERTON
Well hello, Benji. Why don’t you come on out.

(RENDER stands.)

PINKERTON (cont.)
Well aren’t you tall! Better?

RENDER
I don’t really like cramped spaces.

You don’t seem … to be appropriately surprised!

PINKERTON
We’re a small community situated on a lake full to the brim with weird, magical creatures. We tend to keep to ourselves. 

Well, nothing out of the ordinary here - you two have a pleasant afternoon.

RENDER
Actually, wait! We need your help. It’s my friends. They’ve been eaten by a Bloodskipper. 

PINKERTON
Today?

[urgently:] We haven’t got long before dusk. We might be able to get to them in time. 

RENDER
In time?

PINKERTON
Bloodskippers hunt for food from late afternoon thru dusk. But they’re a communal creature. They don’t eat until they’re all back in the den together. 

Which means we need to - and I don’t like saying this - hurry!

Follow me! I’ll lead the way to their den.

(PINKERTON boards his boat and starts his engine. He takes off and BUNION and RENDER follow.)

[shouting back:] Is that as fast as it goes?

BUNION
Uh… Yeah.


PINKERTON
I better throw you a tow line. 

(PINKERTON tosses a line.)

Man, now that is slow.

(Inside the BLOODSKIPPER. RILEY and TAIWAN sit in silence. And then:)

RILEY
Hey. You feel that? It’s slowing down.

TAIWAN
Yeah, I feel it.

RILEY
Maybe something’s happening.

TAIWAN
I think I liked it better when nothing was happening. 

Hey. Do you feel that?

RILEY
Yeah, I just said -

TAIWAN
No. Do you feel … that?

It’s faint, but … it’s a wifi signal.

RILEY
Why would I be able to feel that?

TAIWAN
I can get online. I can get us out of here. I can ask Jeeves. 

RILEY
I don’t know how to break this to you.

TAIWAN
No. Let me try … 

(TAIWAN, using his dial-up modem, tries to connect to the internet.)
RILEY
You still use dial-up?

(The BLOODSKIPP hates this. And starts gurgling.)

TAIWAN
Oh, it’s no use.

RILEY
No, that’s it. Do that again.

TAIWAN
The signal’s too weak.

RILEY
Try again. Trust me.

(TAIWAN tries connecting to the internet again. The BLOODSKIPPER gurgles louder.)

I don’t know what, but there must be something universally hated about that sound. Taiwan 1000, keep going.

(TAIWAN dials-up. Louder.)

TAIWAN
It’s not enough.

RILEY
No. It is. And you and I are getting out of this together. Go!

(TAIWAN dial-up. RILEY joins in. Together, they screech and yelp and ba-dong ba-dong and whine. “You’ve Got Mail!”)

(And the BLOODSKIPPER, sick to its stomach, throws them up. The tumble out, screaming.)

(The BLOODSKIPPER’S DEN.)

PINKERTON
See? What did I tell you? They’re a communal creature. They don’t eat until they’re all back together. 

BUNION
Riley, you’re alive!
RILEY
Bunion? 

BUNION
Benji, look!

TAIWAN
Benji? 

RILEY
[to RENDER:] Benji?

RENDER
Benji.

RILEY and TAIWAN
Benji!

RILEY
How did you find us?

RENDER
Professor Bunion loaned us his boat. And look who else is here!

PINKERTON
Afternoon!

RILEY
What are you doing here?

PINKERTON
Fish and Wildlife ma’am, at your service.

RILEY
Pinky! How many jobs do you have?

BUNION
It’s a small town. 

PINKERTON
Now listen, everybody - we’re not out of this one yet. We are in the middle of a Bloodskipper den at suppertime. 


BUNION
Everyone! Make as much noise as you can - creatures like this will back down if we assert our dominance. 

PINKERTON
No they will not.

BUNION
Okay. Well, you never know. Sometimes they do. Gotta try it. 

TAIWAN
Wait - are we still getting eaten!

PINKERTON
Now now! A Bloodskipper won’t let anything it brings into its den leave.

BUNION
So then the three of us are ok?

PINKERTON
Correct.

(TAIWAN moans, perhaps faints a little.)

But the good news is, a bloodskipper will trade you things. But I warn, the trade has to be good, and they can tell if it isn’t. So, everybody reach into your pockets - or your bags - and pull out something that you value. 

Benji, we’ll start with you.

RENDER
Um … hold on, let me get my bag.

(RENDER digs thru his bag, pulling out.)

Oh! My bottle opener.

BUNION
A bottle opener?

TAIWAN
He really loves that bottle opener. 


RILEY
It’s true. 

PINKERTON
Already. Hold it out. Let him sniff it. 

(The BLOODSKIPPER sniffs the bottle opener.)

No - he doesn’t want that. 

Now you?

BUNION
I don’t really have anything on me of value. 

(The BLOODSKIPPER snorts and shakes its head.)

Ok. Ok. I was just kidding. 

(BUNION pulls out his bag and pulls out the Aghast! Menagerie.)

RILEY
[to herself:] The Menagerie!

(The BLOODSKIPPER sniffs, considers, scoffs, moves on. A COLLECTIVE sigh from everyone except PINKERTON.)

Um - all I’ve got on me are my car keys. 

(RILEY holds out the Safari key. The BLOODSKIPPER passes on this too.)

(TAIWAN’S CD drive opens.)

TAIWAN
You can have my free AOL CD? 

BUNION
America Online?

TAIWAN
What? It comes with 500 free hours. 

[to RILEY:] It’s the internet & more. 

RILEY
I know. 

(The BLOODSKIPPER turns to TAIWAN to sniff. TAIWAN gasps and the CD drive pulls back in.)

TAIWAN
Sorry. I got scared. 

(The CD Drive opens again. The BLOODSKIPPER passes, moving onto PINKERTON.)

PINKERTON
Well. Must be that you’re after these. 

(PINKERTON holds out the two gold coins. The BLOODSKIPPER sniffs them.)

Shiny, aren’t they? I hope they’re real. 

(The BLOODSKIPPER opens its mouth and PINKERTON tosses the coins inside.)

Alright. Looks like the trade is done. Now all of us - I can not stress this enough - back away SLOWLY. 

(The GANG tiptoes back out of the BLOODSKIPPER’S DEN, back down to:)

(The Lake.)

TAIWAN
Riley! We’re alive.

RILEY
See? What did I tell you?

TAIWAN
Oh … 

(TAIWAN collapses into RILEY. She strokes the top of his monitor.)

When I destroy you - I will remember this day and burn you swiftly.

RILEY
And that’s really all a person could ask for. 


BUNION
Benji - 

RENDER
Yeah, Professor Bunion?

BUNION
I know we’ve had our difference, but I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me - and I just wanted to let you know … 

YOU’LL NEVER HAVE THE AGHAST! MENAGERIE!

(BUNION jumps onto his Pontoon Boat and starts it up.)

My Book! It’s finally complete again!

RENDER
Is that full throttle?

BUNION
Yeah … 

RENDER
Feels like I could just walk alongside you and take it back once you get to shore. 

BUNION
… But don’t. 

RENDER
Would this escape feel more dramatic if we couldn’t talk to each other using our normal speaking voices? 

BUNION
A little. 

(BUNION exits.)

PINKERTON
I hate to break up a tender reunion, but we really shouldn’t just hang around the mouth of a Bloodskipper den like this. 

Need a ride back to camp?


RILEY
Can we take the slow way?

PINKERTON
Only way I know how. 

(The GANG climb aboard PINKERTON’S boat and they shove off.)

RILEY
So. They County Clerk’s office doesn’t open until Monday.

PINKERTON
That’s it. 

RILEY
And that’s where I pay the speeding fine?

PINKERTON
You got it. 

RILEY
… When I get there on Monday, am I going to discover that you’re the County Clerk.

PINKERTON
Please! I’ve got more than my fair share of jobs around this town. 

Of course, Clarence is still on his honeymoon, so you will be dealing with the Deputy County Clerk.

RILEY
And that’s … 

PINKERTON
Yours truly. 

RILEY
Righteous. 

RENDER
So … Is Pinky like your nickname?

PINKERTON
When your last name is Pinkerton, you almost have no choice but to be called Pinky. My Daddy was called Pinky, my Granddaddy was called Pinky … They called my Uncle Michael Stumpy -
RENDER
Uh … was he … missing -

PINKERTON
Fishing with dynamite.

RENDER
Oh. Sure. 

And you don’t mind just being given a nickname. 

PINKERTON
Seems to me, that as long as someone speaks to you out of love and respect, doesn’t really matter what are words are they use. 

RENDER
Hmm. 

(RENDER thinks on this a moment. And then:)

RILEY
[to RENDER:] You hear that, pal - two whole days with nothing to do but sit by a lake, dip our heels into the water, slow things down.

RENDER
That sounds nice.

RILEY
I thought it might. 

RENDER
Hey Riley?

RILEY
Yeah, Benji.

RENDER
I think I still want to be Render.

RILEY
That’s ok.

RENDER
I just don’t know if a new name fits me.
RILEY
That’s ok.

RENDER
I just feel like I made a big fuss over it.

RILEY
Of course. We have to make big fusses over something. That’s how we know what matters. 

(They sit with this for a moment. The boat chugs along.)

RENDER
But I think I want to be like “Render” with a backwards “e.”

RILEY
Like, the way a kid would write it?

RENDER
Yeah. And in my head, it’s in like a crayon font. I think that feels like me. 

RILEY
Totally feels like you. 

(RILEY and RENDER hug.)

Which E tho? 

RENDER
[a sudden realization, an accusation:]  My name has two Es in it?!

GAH!

RILEY
Well Crypto-Curious, seems like we need a little down time to be with our feelings.

RENDER
When were you going to tell me!

RILEY
If you’re ever trapped in a tight, cramped space … like a mouth … or a tent … I hope you’re there with someone you love. 

They make the tight spaces better. 

RILEY (cont.)
We’ll see ya next time on Have Monster, Will Travel.

TAIWAN
And like they say where we’re from:

“The Fog! Horace, It’s crawling out of the fog!”

(end of episode.)



CREDITS

JOE
Hi, this is Joe Mock. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000, Dave Powell as the Befuddled Professor Bunion -

DAVE
I get to do my voice again!

JOE
Jacob Hauser as Petey, Grayson Halonen as The Bloodskipper, Miranda Phair as “Are These Night Crawlers Fresh?” and me, Joe Mock as Sheriff Pinkerton. Special Thanks to Liam Belusso for giving today’s script a sensitivity read. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio 

More information, including transcripts can be found at QueenCityFlash.com