The Paladin (Remastered)

A flurry of activity across the cryptic forums leads Riley and Render to a small seaside town that lies next to like... really creepy marshlands.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion
with Special Monster-of-the-Week Guest Kat Sullivan as the Paladin!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

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REMASTER NOTES

The first four episodes of Have Monster, Will Travel was performed before a live audience as a part of Serials! at Know Theatre of Cincinnati. As originally staged, the second half of this episode was performed in a back-and-forth split-scene style between Render and Professor Bunion, and Riley and the Paladin. This served the staged version better than the audio drama. In this remaster, those split scenes have been recombined into a smoother story.  

This remaster also includes an expanded sound design and tighter pacing. 

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Loving Have Monster, Will Travel?
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Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
Contact info: queencityflash@gmail.com

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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 4: The Paladin

(RILEY and RENDER are slowly creeping forward through tall grass.)

RENDER
[clandestinely:] Crypto-Curious – this is Render, coming to you from –

RILEY
Are you serious?

RENDER
This has been my first chance to update them.

RILEY
Look at where we are.

RENDER
Right now, we are skulking forward through over-grown –

RILEY
I didn’t say narrate – I said look. This is not the time -

RENDER
I’m just catching them up.

RILEY
What part of skulking do you think involves recording yourself?

RENDER
How else are they going to know?

RILEY
You’re gonna blow our cover. Stop it.

(RILEY and RENDER continue creeping forward.)

RENDER
So Riley.

RILEY
[through clenched teeth:] what.

RENDER
Where do you think this leads? This marshy tall grass that we’re walking through miles from the GMC Safari as the sun sets?

(RILEY stops.)

RILEY
Are you still recording?

RENDER
… I wouldn’t think so.

(RILEY turns to RENDER.)

RILEY
He’s going to know we’re coming.

RENDER
And by he, you’re of course referring to…

RILEY
Cut that out.

RENDER
Okay but just one more thing.

RILEY
No.

RENDER
Just a little bit.

(RILEY growls at RENDER. RENDER growls. They BOTH growl. RILEY ha-rumphs, turns and walks forward.)

(RENDER starts tapping on his recorder. RILEY stops.)

RILEY
Is that morse code?

RENDER
… maybe.

RILEY
… you know morse code?

RENDER
Conversationally.

RILEY
whatdoesthatevenmean?

RENDER
Okay, hear me out.

We’re sneaking through tall grass.

RILEY
Yes.

RENDER
Trying to get the drop on someone.

RILEY
You know we are.

RENDER
And the closer we get, the more likely it is that we’ll be overheard.

RILEY
Which is why I’m asking you to –

RENDER
So don’t you think we should do this now, before we get any closer?

Huh?

Logic Trap?

RILEY
Gah. Fine. Be quick.

RENDER
Welcome back Crypto-

RILEY
They know who they are.

RENDER
We were en route to our second mystery location, as revealed to us by clippings from the Aghast! Menagerie, when Riley decided to check in on her favorite Cryptozoological Forum –

RILEY
OKCryptid.com

RENDER
Which was abuzz to say the least.

RILEY
Faster please.

RENDER
In the last few weeks, it seems that there has been a monster-load of suspicious activity in this one, tiny seaside town, which it just so happens, is also along the way to our next destination.

[drawing this out:] Well, you’ll never believe it, but when we got here –

RILEY
[with gusto:] we saw professor bunion’s lime green kia Soul so we tailed him at a distance, ditched the safari, and snuck up on him just as he was entering marshland, which leads us to this very second where it is momentously important that we *quietly* continue following him before either a) he hears us coming, or b) we lose sight of him and find ourselves lost in marshland as the sun sets.

RENDER
Yeah. That’s it. I mean, I’d have used a few more adjectives.

RILEY
I know you would have. Now can we please –

RENDER
Yeah.

Wait. Hold on.

“What was that?”  -  “Look, it’s Professor Bunion.”  -  “What’s that he’s holding?”  -  “Run for it!”

What? I’m turning it off. I was just giving us some B-roll for later.

(THEY walk through marshland. Neither of them speak. At a distance we hear a long feral scream.)

RILEY
What was that?

(Another cry. Closer. ERIC MCDERMOTT comes running thru the marshland, towards RILEY and RENDER.)

RENDER
Look, it’s Professor Bunion.

(ERIC rushes past RILEY and RENDER in the opposite direction, carrying something.)

ERIC
It’s Eric McDermott, big D, two Ts!

RILEY
What’s that he’s holding?

(A second scream, from ahead. RILEY and RENDER turn back to see THE PALLADIN, its arms raised, roaring into the night.)

BOTH
RUN FOR IT!

(THEME SONG.)

(RENDER. Out of breath. Alone. The Marshland.)

RENDER
Good news Crypto-Curious – I’m still alive and in one piece.

Bad news – I have no idea where Riley is, or where I am, or for that matter Professor Bunion or that big scary monster. Also I’m very lost. And the sun is setting. 

And I’ve got this pinch in my side. Should really do more cardio. 

So. Game plan. I’m probably gonna stay right here until Riley comes to get me. 

Unless she’s been eaten. Eh. Professor Bunion probably won’t eat her. 

Still, thought she would have run with me. 

I gotta put a bell on her. 

(RILEY. Separate. Out of breath.)

RILEY
To whoever finds this recording: let it be known that I died very mad at my best friend who left me in the middle of marshland.  

It feels like my chest is gonna explode. 

God, I gotta eat better. 

Uh. Okay. Assessment. The sun is practically gone now. And the calf-deep water has made it all but impossible to retrace my steps. And there’s something out here that probably wants to eat me. 
RILEY (cont.)
Which would be less scary if I had my large, ferocious-looking companion with me. But hey – at least the sawgrass is too tall to see over. There’s that. 

Render. Where are you? 

We’re gonna get you a bell.

(RILEY starts walking.)

Alright. I think I can see a light in the distance. I’m going to try that way. 

Monsters hate the light, right?

(walking. And then… rustling.)

Hey – Ren, is that you?

(The PALADIN leaps from the sawgrass, claws raised and snarling. RILEY holds her ground.)

PALADIN
You’re not running.

RILEY
I had a pretty heavy lunch.

(Meanwhile:)

RENDER
So update. Turns out, blindly walking into the dark unknown is far better than standing still. Who knew? 

I thought the GMC Safari was over by that distant grove of trees – so I was gonna walk that way. 

But this opposite direction looks way more inviting. It’s like a glow coming from the way-far end of the marsh.

It started as this light glow, but the darker it gets, the more this one patch stands out. 

(RENDER walks for a second.)

Of course it could be a trap. Like a bug zapper. So that’s in my head now. 

(RENDER walks for a moment but stops. Something in the distance is coming his way fast.)
RENDER (cont.)
Do you hear that? Riley? You there?

(ERIC MCDERMOTT burst out of the sawgrass. They scream.) 

ERIC
You!

RENDER
Me! You? 

ERIC
I know you. You’re with that woman. 

RENDER
You’re Professor Bunion.

ERIC
What? What do you two keep saying that. It’s Eric. 

RENDER
Right. McDermot-t

ERIC
It’s just McDermott.

RENDER
I thought there were two Ts.

ERIC
There are. Big D, two Ts.

RENDER
No no – I hear the big D, it’s just the two Ts. 

McDermot-t.

ERIC
McDermott. 


RENDER
See. This is why we call you Professor Bunion. 

(Back to RILEY:)

PALADIN
Where is it?

RILEY
Yes. Where is it? I agree. I don’t know.

PALADIN
Did you take it?

RILEY
What? No. It didn’t take… it, I didn’t take anything. That was someone else. Actually, probably the same person I’m looking for. We could go together. We could look for him together.

PALADIN
I should tear you into pieces. 

RILEY
No. You shouldn’t start there. We should do that later. We should build to that. 

(The PALADIN steps forward. RILEY freezes.)

PALADIN
Where are you from?

RILEY
Not from around here. Passing thru, stopped, wandered in. I really shouldn’t even be here. If this place is yours, I’d be happy to leave.

PALADIN
You come from over there?

RILEY
Where that light is coming from? No. But it sure looks nice. Is that where you’re from?

(PALADIN snarls, a little too close.)

I hate that place. It looks awful.

(RENDER / ERIC:)

ERIC
I just… I’m actually standing face to face with a monster. This is amazing. 

RENDER
Uh huh. 

ERIC
“Oh Eric – you can’t do that.”

“Oh Eric – that’s not a real job.”

“Oh Eric – you shouldn’t spend your life savings on a book from a crazy man’s auction.”

But look. Here you are. I found you.

RENDER
You didn’t find me. I wasn’t lost. I had McDonalds for lunch. 

ERIC
But I bet I’m one of the only ones in the world who knows you exist. Right? 

I just can’t believe it. I finally discovered one. After all this time. 

RENDER
You’re not much of a monster hunter if I’m the only one you’ve ever met.

ERIC
No. No no. I’ve seen a monster before. 

RENDER
Okay…

ERIC
You don’t believe me. Okay what about this? 

(ERIC takes out his wallet, opens it, removes a photo.)

What do you call that?

RENDER
What is that?

ERIC
What? Right there. In the water. 

RENDER
Is that a log?

ERIC
It’s a plesiosaur. Look, the curved back breaking the surface, the long neck, it’s mouth is open.


RENDER
Looks like a log. 

ERIC
Okay. If that’s your thing. Whatever, we both know what it is. 

The question is… what are you?

RENDER
… A little invasive. 

ERIC
I mean, I’ve never heard of anything like you before. 

(getting out his phone to take a picture:)

Let’s see them call me names now.

(RENDER swats the phone.)

Hey. Careful. You could have knocked my phone out of my – 

(RENDER swats again. Sploosh!)

Oh. That’s low. That was low.

… god, I didn’t have any of my contacts backed up. 

That’s okay. I don’t need you, big guy – I’ve got other proof. 

(RILEY / PALADIN. The PALADIn is staring off at the strange, bright light:)

RILEY
What’s over there?

PALADIN
People. What else? You can practically point anywhere and ask “what’s over there” and the answer will always be… people. People are everywhere. And they don’t leave room for anything else. Even in a remote swamp like this. 

RILEY
That’s the light from the town. At the end of the peninsula. The sightings. You’re the one that’s been terrorizing everyone for –

PALADIN
Two months. I thought I could get them to leave. I thought I could get the light to turn off. 
RILEY
Why?

PALADIN
I don’t suppose you would know. I’m a Paladin. I was born on this beach, me and all my siblings. Paladins…  we only come back to shore once in our lifetimes to lay our eggs. Two months later, they hatch under a full moon and follow the glow into the sea. 

But last night, a few hatched early. I lost track of them.

I found them this morning, dead on the pavement, heading towards that place. 

RILEY
I’m so sorry.

PALADIN
Why?

RILEY
That sounds awful. 

If… if they knew. 

PALADIN
They would do nothing different.

I can’t talk to you anymore. I’m almost out of time.

(The PALADIN runs off.)

RILEY
No! Wait!

(RILEY chases.)

(RENDER / ERIC.)

RENDER
What are you doing here?

ERIC
I’m here because of all the monster sightings. Is that what you’re doing here?

RENDER
We’re not here for the same reasons. How’d you hear about this place? The Menagerie?

ERIC
It’s all over the online message boards.

RENDER
OKCryptid?

ERIC
Pff! Amateur, please. I use MonsterMingle.com

RENDER
What do you think it is?

ERIC
I’m not telling. 

But I’ve got proof. You wanna see. 

(ERIC opens a satchel and pulls out:)

Egg shells.

RENDER
That’s it?

ERIC
What? This is enough. Look at the size. Look at the color.

RENDER
And what? You tell a bunch of people. They come back here, tear this place up looking for more. 

ERIC
Leave that to me.

RENDER
You need to put those back.

ERIC
Oh okay. I’ll just leave empty-handed and tell people what I saw. Yeah right.

No, it’s time that people started paying attention to Eric McDermott –

RENDER
Professor Bunion.

ERIC
mmmm. I hate that.
ERIC (cont.)
You have your fun – but when I show people these egg shells… when I show people what I can make with the water from that lake… 

RENDER
The unmentionables… You took water from there. 

ERIC
After you and your friends tried to run me off with household appliances, yes. 

But I won’t be made a fool of again. I’m – 

RENDER
Professor Bunion.

ERIC
Stop!

(Rustling. ERIC barely notices before:

The PALADIN rushes on, followed quickly by RILEY. ERIC and RENDER scream. ERIC freezes.)

RENDER
Riley!

RILEY
Render!

ERIC
Nobody move. It’s vision is based on movement.

PALADIN
No it’s not.

ERIC
Okay. Well, you never know. Sometimes they are. Gotta try it. 

PALADIN
I recognize you. I RECOGNIZE YOU!

RILEY
Render, stop her.

(PALADIN lunges at ERIC, RENDER jumps in the way, grabbing her.)

RENDER
Everybody slow down. First we talk, then we maim.

PALADIN
Give them back.

ERIC
Keep her away from me.

RILEY
We need him.

RENDER
He stole from a nest.

PALADIN
I’ll kill you.

RILEY
Render, we need him.

RENDER
Everyone stop!

(A brief pause.)

We listen to Riley. Now I don’t know what is going on, but my best friend is usually right, so we listen to Riley. 

Okay?

PALADIN
You are wasting my time.

RILEY
I’m not. Trust me. 

We have to turn off the lights in that town.

RENDER
Yeah. That seems like something we can add to our list.

RILEY
She has babies that are hatching tonight. And they have to follow the moon to the sea. And it has to be dark. 

RILEY (cont.)
You couldn’t scare them away in two months. But the two of us are human. We could go into that town. We could talk to them.

ERIC
They wouldn’t listen to us. 

RILEY
We have to try. 

ERIC
That is exactly the kind of plan someone who visits OKCryptid would think up. Amateur.

People don’t believe people like you and me. Grow up. Do you think anyone ever believed me? And I had photographic evidence. 

See? Look.

PALADIN
What is that?

RENDER
It’s a log. 

PALADIN
Oh, I see it.

ERIC
No – it’s a … never mind. 

Look. You’re the monsters. If you want the lights out… I don’t know. Climb up those power line poles and tear them down. 

…

Hello? It’s a peninsula. Everything comes in from one way. Stop the flow.

RILEY
It would kill them.

ERIC
What? No. 

RENDER
No, that sounds like the sort of thing that would. 

PALADIN
I could do that. 

RILEY
No!

PALADIN
He’s right. I could climb up there and – 

RILEY
That’s not an option.

ERIC
Or whatever, you’re monsters, walk up to it and tear it down.

RENDER
Those poles are massive. We’d need more monsters. 

RILEY
We can think of something.

PALADIN
I have to do it.

RENDER
More monsters… 

RILEY
No – Give me a minute to think.

PALADIN
There’s no time.

RILEY
There has to be.

RENDER
I’VE GOT IT!

(All stop and look at RENDER.)

Uh… Riley… Can I talk to you… over here, please.

(RILEY walks over. Hushed tones:)

I know what we can do. But we have to get rid of Professor Bunion.
PALADIN
They call you Professor Bunion?

ERIC
No.

RILEY / RENDER
It’s a working title!

RILEY
Wait, can you hear us?

ERIC
Yeah.

PALADIN
You walked like four feet away.

(In tandem, RILEY and RENDER take an oversized step away from the others.)

RENDER
Can you distract you know who?

RILEY
Oh buddy can I?

(They split. RILEY saunters over to ERIC.)

ERIC
Uhh… what are you doing?

(And she kicks him in the nuts. ERIC doubles over in pain.)

RENDER
Oh!

RILEY
I just kicked him in his Big D and two Ts. Run for it. Go!

RENDER
[to PALADIN:] Go to your nest! We got this, just go to your nest.

(The LIME GREEN KIA SOUL:)

(The smash of a window.)

RILEY
What are we doing to Professor Bunion’s car?

RENDER
It was something he told me before you showed up. 

He stole water. From the lake with the unmentionables. 

RILEY
That Snott Otter. 

RENDER
Total Snot Otter.

(RENDER digs thru ERIC’S car.)

The only way to turn out the lights is to tear down those power lines. But to do that…

(RENDER pulls out two gallon jugs of water.)

We need more monsters. 

Have you met my friend… The Roadster from the Black Lagoon?

(Blackout. The howl of an engine and the blazing, white, twin headlights of KIA SOUL MONSTER. Then the sound of rending metal and electric arcs. The hum of a brown out. Later. Much later:

The brilliant glow of a full moon and the gentle hush of surf.

RILEY, RENDER, the PALADIN. In the background can be heard the grunts of hatchlings.)

RENDER
Have you ever seen anything like it? 

RILEY
No. Not ever.

RENDER
There must be hundreds of them.

RILEY
You did good tonight. I’m proud of you, tiger.


RENDER
Thanks. I’m proud of you too. But I’m always proud of you.

RILEY
Look at all those little baby paladins.

PALADIN
Paladinglings. 

RILEY
Really?

PALADIN
Until they’re older.

RILEY
Will you catch up with them?

PALADIN
No. Not many. But I would know them in any ocean on earth. 

[to RENDER:] Thank you. 

RENDER
Oh. Of course. 

PALADIN
I guess it’s true what they say about your kind. 

(wut.)

RENDER
You recognize me?

PALADIN
I’ve heard stories. 

RENDER
You know what I am?

PALADIN
You’d have to ask them.

But I can tell you the shore where I once saw one of you.


RENDER
Oh. 

…

RILEY
Alright Crypto-Curious, maybe a little privacy is in order. Don’t worry, we’ll fill you in next time on Have Monster, Will Travel.

And like they say where he’s from:

“Leave him Janice, you can’t save him now!”

(end of episode.)