Sharktopustoshark!

Springtime is finally here. And with the coming of warm weather comes the annual appearance of the elusive water creature, The Summoney. Unbeknownst to our heroes, as Riley and Render stake out a desolate beach for this creature, other (more annoying) dangers are descending on the island...

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion and Jason
Trey Tatum as Derek
Bridget Leak as Bystander
with Special Monster-of-the-Week Guest Lisa DeRoberts as the Summoneys!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

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Loving Have Monster, Will Travel?
Rate and Review: https://bio.site/havemonsterwilltravel

Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
Contact info: queencityflash@gmail.com

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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 6 - Spring Brahk!

RILEY
Easy. Easy.

RENDER
I am.

RILEY
I know.

RENDER
Then why are you -

RILEY
I’m helping.

RENDER
How?

RILEY
It just am. Now, slow. Slow.

(an annoyed growl.)

Okay. I’m done. It’s all you.

No!

RENDER
What?

RILEY
Like… over that way more. Yeah.

(BOTH take in a long, drawn-out inhale. Pause. And then… WHEW!)

Niiiice.

RENDER
Now I just -

RILEY
Just tap on it. Gently!

(Tap Tap)

And……….

RENDER
Lifting.

(Pause.)

That’s gnarly.

RILEY
Super rad.

RENDER
AWW - I love this place so much!

RILEY
Crypto-Curious, that warm fuzz of accomplishment you can probably hear is Render standing in front of his first ever… sandcastle.

RENDER
Look at the spikes!

RILEY
Spires, pal.

RENDER
Spikey-spires!

RILEY
Easily 4 1/2, 5 feet tall.

RENDER
And a little drawbridge that goes over a moat. Oh!

RILEY
Per our rules, we can’t tell you where we are - so pretend you’re looking at a postcard of beautiful, sugar-white sands under a sunny caption that reads: Welcome from “Beachtown, USA.”

(RENDER can be heard rummaging somewhere nearby.)

Now this isn’t some pleasure stay for us - we’re here on mostly-strictly business. If you’re in the mood for monster sightings and it’s the beginning of Spring, there’s no surer place to spot something than -

Wait wait what are you doing!

 (glug-glug-glug)

RENDER
I need water for the moat.

RILEY
That is our drinking water.

RENDER
We’ll get more.

RILEY
Uh. Do you know how far off the beaten path we are? It’s not like there’s a faucet nearby.

RENDER
Oh no - the sand’s soaking it all up.

RILEY
Well yeah, ya goof.

RENDER
But it works with real castles.

RILEY
Oh, buddy.

(jostling nearly-empty water canteen)

Eh - there might be enough left to get us til tomorrow - I was hoping not to have to go into town on check-in day - it’s gonna be packed.

RENDER
How many people come in for monster-sightings?

RILEY
Huh? Oh, no-no. Sorry, I failed to mention this:

Not only is early spring the ideal time to catch a glimpse of the mysterious waterling that is: The Summoney (“summon-ee”) …

RENDER
[a ghostly echo:] summoney…

RILEY
it also happens to be… Spring Break.

RENDER
From what?

RILEY
What?

RENDER
A break from what?

RILEY
Oh, no it’s a thing - spring break is like a vacation. Picture: hoards of people descending on a small town and devouring it until there’s nothing left but a litter-strewn wasteland. Like a … deer in a flower bed. A drunk deer.

RENDER
You know… sometimes your illustrations don’t clear up what you think they do.

RILEY
The good news for us? With the main part of the island inundated with Spring Breakers - hopefully you and I can lay low out here, undisturbed, on the hunt.

Crypto-Curious, on the far end of the island, beyond the last patch of vacant winter homes, you’ll find us in the middle of a small bird sanctuary, hidden amongst a maze of gigantic, sprawling sand dunes, squat oak trees and palmetto bushes.

RENDER
We’re right next to the big sand castle.

RILEY
These aren’t directions.

RENDER
Right.

RILEY
It’s cover, so that we can search without being discovered.

RENDER
And the beach.

RILEY
Yes - and so you can go to the beach

RENDER
Which is the greatest thing. Top five, best all-time.

RILEY
Yes. It’s been a pretty stellar day. And, the dunes will allow us to set up and try out our brand new *5-man* tent.

RENDER
We needed a real big tent.

RILEY
Because…

RENDER
Some of us roll in our sleep.

RILEY
Ima go ahead and call it, you - mah friend - are a bad bed buddy.

RENDER
No need for names. At least I don’t snore.

RILEY
I do not -

RENDER
Yes you do.

RILEY
I do not snore.

RENDER
Golly, if only we knew someone who obsessively records everything.

RILEY
You wouldn’t!

RENDER
Episode Reminder - insert flashback of snoring here.

RILEY
We are not inserting a -

(Flashback. Snoring. Maybe for a little too long.)

 (Ocean waves.)

RILEY
Okay. Take two.

RENDER
[a little ways away:] Sand angel!

RILEY
Somewhere, out in those murky blue waters lies …

RENDER
Riley look - sand angel.

RILEY
I see pal, you’re not bringing that into the tent.

[back at it:] … lies the Summoney. Twisted sirens or tortured mermaids, no one’s quite sure.

RENDER
It’s just like snow!

RILEY
You’ve never seen snow.

RENDER
They’re the same!

RILEY
Gah - now, where sirens call out to passing ships and draw them in, breaking them up on the rocks, the summoney wait in the waters, call out to fishermen on dry land, and *summon* them out to sea, to their deaths.

RENDER
Riley. Hey Riley.

RILEY
What’s up, tiger cub?

RENDER
Is it weird that I want to run thru that sandcastle?

RILEY
Tearing down sandcastles is the best part.

(A shove and RILEY is off running.)

RENDER
Hey wait up - no fair - Cannonball!

(RILEY and RENDER obliterate their sandcastle.)

Uh! I love sand. It’s coarse and rough and it gets EVERYWHERE!

RILEY
Okay well listen, if we’re gonna stay up all night searching, we’d better -

RENDER
Riley... Sandball!

RILEY
Wait. No!

(Theme song.)

RENDER
So… sand is really nothing like snow. Riley had to use up the rest of our drinking water flushing out her eyes. So, she’s gone back into town to get more.

Maybe it’s because everything is new, but I don’t think so. I just think the world is a wondrous beauty. The sun’s dropping down towards the shoreline now and a spray of oranges and pinks is lighting up the clouds and reflecting off the dunes. And that - that sound -

(waves.)

I just don’t know of anything that could make this more perfect.

…

I wish Riley was seeing this.

I’m not sure what’s so bad about spring break… who wouldn’t want to experience this -

JASON
[somewhere nearby:] Hey - come on - it’s this way.

DEREK
Slow down - you’re gonna make me drop the cooler.

JASON
Man, you see that?

(Town. Riley. Pushing a buggy, opening the van, loading groceries. Nearby: a bus stop.)

RILEY
Okay. That was the most frustrating ninety minutes I ever spent in a grocery store.

It’s hard to im agine I was once one of those 19 year old soul-crushers, running thru the egg and dairy section in a bathing suit top and daisy dukes.

I mean, there are just some places you aren’t supposed to be barefoot.

Alright Render - water for the duration, some ice cream sandwiches, and what the heck - even a coupla pool noodles. Because, ya know… who doesn’t deserve treats for nearly blinding someone?

… Gotta be somewhere around here I could get some boardwalk fries.

(A bus pulls up, noisily. RILEY coughs, goes about her business.)

Okay - twenty minutes back to the edge of the world and then, if we’re lucky, a good ole nighttime monster hunt.

 (Someone has gotten off the bus.)

ERIC
Riley!

RILEY
Oh.

ERIC
It’s me. Eric. Eric McDermott. Big D, two Ts.

…

RILEY
…

Did you really not think I’d recognize you?

ERIC
Huh?

RILEY
What are you doing here?

ERIC
We both know why we’re here.

RILEY
D’you just get off that bus?

ERIC
Yeah.

RILEY
You took the bus?

ERIC
I can’t exactly afford to go around in rental cars forever. And my car -

RILEY
Yeah yeah yeah - I get it.

ERIC
So yes. I took the bus.

RILEY
Just you? And that one small bag?

ERIC
Yeah - it’s everything that I -  HEY!

(RILEY tries to wrestle the bag from him.)

What are you doing?

 (RILEY tries again.)

Stop. I’ll scream.

RILEY
You’ll scream?

ERIC
What - do you want me to hit you?

RILEY
I don’t want you to - I just want - HWA!

(RILEY lunges again.)

BY-STANDER 1
Hey - that woman’s trying to steal that guy’s bag!

BY-STANDER 2
Leave that little guy alone.

ERIC
Okay, okay - I’m not that -

BY-STANDER 3
Yeah, pick on someone your own size.

ERIC
She’s not that much… we’re the same size. If anything -

BY-STANDER 1
Yeah, we’re all watching now.

RILEY
He stole my bag!

BY-STANDER 3
… Yeah I don’t buy that.

BY-STANDER 2
Nice try lady.

BY-STANDER 1
You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

ERIC
Hmm… she tries and she tries - but she’ll never have what’s mine.

RILEY
I will get the menagerie from you - If I say it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen.

ERIC
I very much doubt that.

BY-STANDER 3
Excuse me sir, do you need someone to walk you back to your condo?

ERIC
No - I’m fine. *god*

(RILEY opens the van door, climbs in.)

Wait - where are you going?

 (RILEY closes the van door. Cranks van.)

Hey!

 (Banging. RILEY rolls down window.)

You wouldn’t give me a lift, would you?

RILEY
Uh. No. There’s a little trolley that runs the island. Good luck.

ERIC
Well. Can you break a dollar? I don’t have exact change.

(Window up, van in gear, pulling away.)

Oh come on - four quarters for a dollar.

BY-STANDER 2
Sir - is there someone we can call for you?

ERIC
I hate spring break…

(The Dunes. RENDER, DEREK, JASON:)

JASON
[drunk, high, god only knows:] Whoa - this guy’s huge.

DEREK
Who, the big guy?

JASON
The big guy.

DEREK
Hey big guy. Want something to drink?

RENDER
Oh. Yeah, we’re all out of drinking water. Sure.

JASON
Water…

DEREK
Nah man, you’re at the beach. Water’s for the pool. Here.

(A can opening. A sniff. Sip.)

RENDER
Oh, I think this is spoiled.

JASON
That’s cool … that’s cool.

DEREK
Hey - you seen anybody else out here?

RENDER
Uh, no - just me. Are you guys ok?

DEREK
I’m great. Are you great? I’m great.

RENDER
You just don’t seem in the least bit surprised to see me.

JASON
I’m taking a women’s studies class right now, so… I’m pretty open to anything.

DEREK
Yeah man, you’re just out here living it.

RENDER
So what are you two doing out here?

DEREK
We’re meeting up with some people.

JASON
Yeah - a bonfire dance party on the beach.

DEREK
It’s gonna be a blast.

JASON
It’s gonna be great.

DEREK
You should stay?

RENDER
No, I don’t think so.

JASON
What’s your name?

RENDER
My name? Yeah… it’s uh… Will. Will Travel.

JASON
Willy - that’s cool that’s cool.

RENDER
So how many people are coming to meet you?

JASON
It’s just the two… what were their names?

DEREK
They texted me. Wait, where’s my phone?

JASON
Ugh - d’you put it in the cooler?

DEREK
Aww man, did I?

(DEREK digs thru the cooler.)

JASON
Hey - can you get me another one?

DEREK
Of course, brah.

JASON
(popping another can:)

Thanks dude.

(Running, coming over the hills. RILEY.)

RILEY
Ahhhh… whaaaaaaaa….

RENDER
Hey Riley.

JASON
Oh hey.

RILEY
What. Is. Going. On?

RENDER
Yeah, I made some friends while you were out. Some very oblivious friends.

JASON
Yeah, we’re pretty obvious. I’m Jason, this is Derek.

DEREK
Have you seen a phone?

JASON
Dude, be presence.

DEREK
Ah, it’s a chick.

RILEY
Hooooooe, of course.

RENDER
Yeah. This is Jason and Derek … and I’m your friend. Will Travel.

RILEY
Will… Travel.

JASON
Willy!

DEREK
What’s your name?

RILEY
Uh. No, I’m good.

JASON
Brah - she totally rejected you.

DEREK
[shove:] shut up.

JASON
[shove:] You shut up.

DEREK
Make me.

JASON
I will.

(more shoving.)

RILEY
Uh… William?

RENDER
Alright alright - stop.

JASON
You want something to drink?

RENDER
[whispered:] It’s spoiled.

RILEY
No, I’m okay.

DEREK
We should go swimming.

JASON
Yeah, brah.

RILEY
Oh. Sorry, I don’t have a bathing suit.

DEREK
You didn’t bring a bathing suit to spring break?

RENDER
We buried it.

Reminder: flashback to -

RILEY
Will you cut that -

(Flashback.)

Dearly beloved - we gather here today to celebrate the life of our dear friend… bikini monster?

RENDER
Bikini monster.

RENDER
And…

RILEY
And [remembering the damn name…] mostly nonverbal bikini bottoms.

RENDER
Yeah…

RILEY
I bought you as a set… so it’s only fitting that we bury you together.

Bikini monster, who… I’ll be honest, cost more than I would have liked, but it looked good in the store and I just liked how it made me feel -

(RENDER is not impressed.)

And that’s what I wanted to say. Bikini Monster made you feel good about yourself, that’s important.

It was a short life. But those we love are never with us forever. Eventually, autumn comes and you go to the way back of the underwear drawer, under the comfy long socks.

And so we cherish the summer and those memories carry us thru the seasons until the sun is warm and bright and we are reunited again.

Do you want to say something?

RENDER
No. That was beautiful.

RILEY
Also, you didn’t ride up.

I think that’s important to say.

(The Present.)

DEREK
Hey - I found my phone … No. No, it was just a kitkat.

RILEY
So what are you two doing this far out? Seems like a long way to drag a cooler when there’s literally beach… everywhere.

RENDER
They’re meeting people here.

RILEY
How many people?

DEREK
There were these two honeys. And we were in the parking lot - we had just filled the cooler - and there were these honeys like uh unpacking their car. And so we struck up a conversation - and there were really into us.

JASON
Derek doesn’t brag, man, he’s not like that - they were like really into us.

RILEY
Uh huh of course.

DEREK
And then they were like - there’s this sweet party spot - totally secluded - where you can just dance and swim and party all night and - you know - like no one bothers you.

JASON
Yeah. and they said that they would meet us out here.

RILEY
But they didn’t come with you?

JASON
No, they had to get ready first.

DEREK
Ready to party all night.

RILEY
So, the two of you went ahead without them.

JASON
Yeah, they said they’d meet us here.

RENDER
Makes total sense to me. You don’t want the guests to show up to your party before you’ve had a chance to blow up all the balloons or fill up party favor bags.

RILEY
One second, pal.

Great - I just want to make sure I have all this. There were these two *women* unloading their car when you two just walked up, trying to get them to party. So they tell you about a secret spot in the middle of nowhere, and that they would meet you there…

DEREK
I’ve got their names in my phone. I could show you.

RILEY
Yeah, I understand now. [to RENDER:] We’re fine, there’s no one coming.

DEREK
No - we’re totally gonna meet us here, they just had to go inside and get their things.

JASON
If you could have seen them, they were very into us.

RILEY
Look at where you are and insert a little bit of awareness.

DEREK
I thought you were pretty cool at first, but no-bathing-suit-lady, you’re kind of a buzzkill.

JASON
Yeah, we’re here to meet som’honeys.

DEREK
We’re absolutely gonna party with som’honeys.

RILEY
There’s absolutely no way that “some honeys” are coming out to meet the two of you.

SOM’HONEYS
We’re Som’Honeys. <We’re Som’Honeys. >

(Calling from the waters, THE PARTY hears that ancient mariner song that calls all men to the sea, carried over by the warm tongue of an ocean breeze.)

JASON
Hey - there they are. In the water.

SOM’HONEYS
Hi boys. <Hi boys. >

RENDER
Riley - look.

RILEY
I don’t believe it. Two women being interested in these guys, that’s the real supernatural mystery.

JASON
Hey Ladies.

SOM’HONEYS
Hey. <Hey. > I’m Madison. <And I’m Badison. >

RILEY
Those can’t both be names.

SOM’HONEYS
Y’all should join us in the water. <Yeah, get in the water with us.>

JASON
Yeah, let me get my shirt off.

DEREK
Who wants a drink?

RILEY
Addison. Addison’s a real name. Just go by Madison and Addison.

SOM’HONEYS
Yeah, bring me a drink. <Bring me one, two.>

RILEY
Just one second. Madison.

SOM’HONEYS
I’m Madison. <Yeah. I’m Badison.>

RILEY
Sorry. Badison, the two of you came to meet Broseph and Joseph over here.

SOM’HONEYS
Of course. <Of course. >

JASON
We told you they would.

RILEY
Yes, you’re very desirable.

How did the two of you get here?

SOM’HONEYS
We drove here. <In our land boat. >

RILEY
Nothing suspicious about that answer. So you drove here… in your land boat. But you came up to us already in the water.

SOM’HONEYS
Yeah. <Of course. > We just love the water, isn’t that right, Baddy? <We love to party in the water.> So we docked our land boat and then got in the water and swam the rest of the way. <Don’t you want to get in with us? >

JASON
Yeah, just let me get my shirt off.

RILEY
You’re still taking your shirt off?

RENDER
Yeah, do you need some help?

JASON
I got a sunburn today, it hurts.

SOM’HONEYS
Do you know what would make that burn feel better?

RENDER
Is it water?

SOM’HONEYS
It’s water! <It’s water! >

DEREK
Party!

(The sound of more cans opening.)

RILEY
Okay. Adult decision time. Nobody is getting in the water.

Why don’t the two of you come over here.

SOM’HONEYS
Don’t be silly - it feels better in the water. < … in the water. >

RILEY
No… The two of you get out first.

JASON
Why?

RENDER
Yeah, why? They clearly want to go swimming.

RILEY
I just thought we could make a bonfire out on the sand. Sit close and warm up.

[To the guys:] I mean, all *epic* beach parties have a bonfire, don’t they.

JASON
She’s right.

DEREK
I do prefer my parties to be epic.

SOM’HONEYS
Okay. You caught us. We can’t come out of the water, can we Maddy? <Sure can’t Badison. >

RENDER
Why?

SOM’HONEYS
Because. <Isn’t it obvious? > We don’t have legs. <We don’t have legs. >

(A large splash as the SOM’HONEYS expose their bottom halves. ALL scream.)

RILEY
Omigod -

RENDER
Their bottom halves - they look like -

RILEY
They have -

BOTH
Shrimp tails.

SOM’HONEYS
That’s right. <Our bottom halves are shrimp tails. >

JASON
That’s so awesome.

DEREK
You’re like mermaids.

JASON
But like, different ones.

RENDER
So, you’re half-women, half shrimp?

SOM’HONEYS
Well… <not exactly. We also each have one, giant fiddler crab claw. >

(Splash! Snap! Snap!)

RENDER
Whoa - three in one - you’re like a waterlogged turducken!

RILEY
Wait. So the two of you…

SOM’HONEYS
Yes? Madison <and Badison. >

RILEY
You’re the summoney?

SOM’HONEYS
That’s right! <We’re Som’Honeys! >

RILEY
That’s how you say it?

JASON
So, bonfire? Swimming? Did we decide?

RILEY
No! No one is getting in the water.

DEREK
Can I at least hand them their drinks? My hands are getting cold.

SOM’HONEYS
Yes! Bring us our drinks. <I’m so thirsty. >

RILEY
Why are you still interested in them? They have a giant crab claw for a hand.

SOM’HONEYS
Oh, they don’t mind. <Yeah, they just want to party. >

RENDER
Yeah, Riley - what are you talking about? They’re like the most amazing creatures ever.

RILEY
Are you kidding me? They are trying to lure you into the sea.

SOM’HONEYS
I mean… a little bit. <Yeah, come in the water. >

RILEY
Why do the summoney -

SOM’HONEYS
Som’Honeys. <Som’Honeys. >

RILEY
I’m not saying that. Why do you want them in the water?

SOM’HONEYS
Should I tell her? <Go ahead, Madison, it won’t make a difference. I’ll just be over here, making playful, shocked faces at how cold the water is. Oh! >

Well. The ocean is a big place, full of mysterious creatures and predators. You might not guess it, but even with our giant crab claw, we’re pretty easy prey. Shrimp have terrible eyesight.

So we form symbiotic relationships with other creatures. Like goby fish and pistol shrimp. The shrimp use their claws to burrow out safe habitats in coral reefs and mangroves, and the goby fish watch over them as protectors.

<This water is so cold! I wish someone would get in the water with me so I could wrap my five sets of legs around them. >

RENDER
You have five sets of legs?

SOM’HONEYS
They’re called swimmerets.

RENDER
Oh. Wow.

SOM’HONEYS
Yeah. It’s important to learn something new everyday.

RILEY
So. If you’re in a symbiotic relationship… who protects you?

SOM’HONEYS
See for yourself. Out there, where the breakers are, swimming around the first sandbar.

(All look. Thrashing.)

RILEY
What is that?

SOM’HONEYS
It’s a sharktopustoshark. (Shark-topus-to-shark.)

RENDER
Sharktopus…

SOM’HONEYS
toshark.

RILEY
What does that mean?

SOM’HONEYS
Take a closer look. <Take a closer look. >

RILEY
The head of a shark…

JASON
The tail of a shark.

DEREK
And just…

RENDER
Tentacles, connecting the two together.

(Thrashing. Maybe roaring? Who knows…)

RILEY
It provides protection.

SOM’HONEYS
And we bring the snacks. <Humans are very tasty. >

(From the dunes. Running. And a lot of clearly-out-of-shape panting. The trolley has finally made its way to the end of the island.)

ERIC
You were really hard to find - but I knew - if I could find you - the real action couldn’t be too far away.

RENDER
Oh. I didn’t know you were here.

RILEY
How was your trolley ride?

ERIC
I was full of… just the worst kind of people.

SOM’HONEYS
Hi there. <Hi there. > Care for a swim?

ERIC
Oh. Hi. I’m Eric. Eric McDermott. Big D, two Ts.

SOM’HONEYS
… That doesn’t sound like a real name. <Yeah, and my name’s Badison. >

RENDER
We call him Professor Bunion.

SOM’HONEYS
Oh, that’s better.

ERIC
Oh - are these - are you - The Som’honeys?

RILEY
That’s how you say it too!

ERIC
Is there a different way?

SOM’HONEYS
Yeah - we’re Som’Honeys. <Look at our silly crab claws. >

(SNAP! SNAP!)

ERIC
That’s stupendous.

SOM’HONEYS
And our shrimp bodies. <Swimmerets! >

ERIC
Ya learn something everyday.

SOM’HONEYS
Aren’t we wonderful? <Don’t you want to join us? >

ERIC
You know, you two aren’t exactly my first sea monster. Here, look at this.

(ERIC opens his wallet, takes out a photo.)

I took this photo at our family’s lake house.

SOM’HONEYS
What is that? <Is that a log? > Nice log.

ERIC
No - it’s a … here, let me come closer.

RILEY
No!

(She grabs ERIC.)

You know they’re trying to lure you to your death, right?

ERIC
Oh. Right. I knew that. I knew that.

RENDER
Wait - if you’re here. Does that mean you have -

ERIC
The Menagerie? I’m way ahead of you two. Mess with me all you want now, I’ve buried it.

RILEY
You buried it? Out here.

ERIC
Somewhere amongst the dunes and only I know where it is.

RILEY
Are you crazy! What if you can’t find it again - do you know what you could have done?

RENDER
Yeah, that’s a real snot otter thing to do.

ERIC
Not a chance. I’ve got a photographic memory. Hey - what’s that out there?

(Thrashing.)

DEREK
It’s a sharksharkpus.

RILEY
… no

DEREK
Sorry, I haven’t really been paying attention.

SOM’HONEYS
Alright, well… <This has been fun.> But… It’s time <It’s time>

(in a new, shockingly sinister voice:)

TO FEED THE BEAST. <TO FEED THE BEAST. >

RILEY
Everyone stay away from the water.

JASON
So, are we gonna party or what?

SOM’HONEYS
Sorry, this party has gotten pretty lame. <Yeah, we’re over it. >

DEREK
Wait - we’re cool - we’re cool.

RENDER
I don’t think that’s something you have to announce.

ERIC
No - yelling it doesn’t really help.

SOM’HONEYS
No… <No… > We’re gonna swim over to this other smaller island. <It’s way cooler. >

JASON
You can’t - we came all this way.

DEREK
Yeah, we drug this cooler and everything.

RILEY
Hey guy - look, there’s nothing out there.

SOM’HONEYS
<Yeah, we’re gonna swim over to this other island that has DJ lights and rhythmic music. >

JASON
No no - wait - we wanna come too.

(JASON runs into the water.)

DEREK
Hey - no fair - wait for me.

ERIC
I mean… if we’re all going.

RILEY
Don’t let them get into the water.

RENDER
Okay.

DEREK
Ugh - get off, mah guy.

(DEREK shoves RENDER off, steps into the water.)

RILEY
Tackle him.

RENDER
What?

RILEY
Pretend he’s a sandcastle.

(RILEY and RENDER run, tackling DEREK and ERIC. Collective “oofs!”)

ERIC
Ow - I landed on my car keys.

RILEY
You kept your car key?

ERIC
Yeah…

SOM’HONEYS
Come on. <Yeah, come on. > Just a little further. <To this sandbar. >

JASON
Dude are you coming?

RILEY
You have to come back - turn around and come back.

JASON
No way chick, you had your chance.

RENDER
Riley, look -

RILEY
Oh god -

ERIC
It’s the sharksharkpus

DEREK
Yeah, I might have gotten that wrong.

RILEY
Swim for it, Jared!

DEREK
It’s Jason.

RILEY
I don’t care.

(A surge of water, a splash, screams. And JASON is gone.)

My god.

RENDER
It ate him in one bite.

DEREK
Oh. There he is.  Between the shark head and the shark tail - in with all those tentacles. Yo, you alright?

JASON
[Inside the sharktopustoshark:] Dude, I’m like the master at holding my breath.

Hey! Get my picture.

DEREK
I told you - I lost my phone!

RENDER
He’s in really good spirits, considering.

RILEY
Yeah.

JASON
You know what, I think I can just squeeze between these tentacles and get back out.

(All watch as JASON tries.)

Yeah, that was pretty easy.

(Splash! Gulp! Again!)

RENDER
Awww! It just ate him again.

SOM’HONEYS
Yeah, this usually takes a couple tries. <we could be here for a while. >

(Transition music.)

(Muffled sounds. Something new thrashing.)

RILEY
[Whispered:] Yeah. Hear that, Crypto-Curious. That thrashing sound you hear is *somebody* rolling around in their sleep.

So… who’s in charge of the recorder now?

Just a little update. The sharktopustoshark toyed with… Jason(?) … Jason for about ninety minutes and then… I don’t know if it gave up, or just realized that he was the worst, but they kinda mutually agreed that it probably wasn’t a good fit. Like a… anti-symbiotic relationship. I suspect he gets that a lot.

(more rolling.)

Seriously, it sounds like he’s dreaming about being a salsa dancer.

(Transition. The next morning.)

RENDER
Riley.

RILEY
Yeah. Will…

RENDER
I think the beach is the kind of place that’s awesome… to visit.

RILEY
Yeah pal, the key to a good vacation is leaving while it’s still a good time.

RENDER
Yeah. Hey… is that Professor Bunion.

RILEY
Oh. Yeah.

[Calling off:] Hey - what are you doing?

ERIC
You stay away. You’re trying to discover where I buried the Menagerie.

RENDER
Did you lose it?

ERIC
Not a chance. It’s just over… well, never you mind.

RILEY
You’ve been searching all night, haven’t you.

ERIC
A lot of these dunes look alike. You wouldn’t… have any sunscreen, would you?

RENDER
Hey Riley - if he’s lost it, that means it could be anywhere. Wanna go on a treasure hunt?

(RILEY’S phone rings in the tent.)

RILEY
Yeah, I’m up for that.

Go on, I’ll catch up.

(RILEY goes to answer phone.)

Hey Dad.

RENDER
Well Crypto-Curious, sometimes one adventure leads right into the next one. We’ll catch you up on all the mayhem next time, on Have Monster, Will Travel.

And like they say where I’m from:

RILEY
Render.

RENDER
What?

RILEY
We have to pack up.

RENDER
Why? What’s wrong?
             
RILEY
I … I have to go home.

(end of episode.)

LISA
Hey it’s Badison Som’Honey here, Lisa DeRoberts, big D, little ‘eRoberts.’ Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Dave Powell as the mostly non-  threatening Professor Bunion –

DAVE
Oh, is that the new bit we’re doing. Fine. Fine.

LISA
and me, Lisa DeRoberts. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio.

BRIDGET
Hi all. This is Bridget Leak. Thank you so much for listening. Like a lot of other folks, we’ve been keeping our distance lately, staying in touch with those we love thru video conferencing. This is our first time recording remotely and we’re so happy that we get to continue bringing you the adventures of Riley and Render. 

For more fun, you can also join us on our Instagram, @havemonsterwilltravel