Creeping Mysteria

Render and Riley track Professor Bunion to an abandoned town nestled deep in a vine-covered forest, where they encounter a monster whose loneliness is all-consuming.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion
with Special Monster-of-the-Week Peter Michael Marino as Potter!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

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Connect with us on twitter and instagram: @queencityflash
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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 8: Creeping Mysteria

RILEY
Okay… do. you. have. gills?

RENDER
… no.

(CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.)

Are you the… firebrand?

RILEY
No.

(CLICK.)

RENDER
Ah, yes. Of course of course of course.

RILEY
Are you tall?

RENDER
I am.

(CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.)

Are you the som’honeys?

RILEY
No.

(CLICK.)

RENDER
I see I see. Clever…

RILEY
Hey there, Crypto-Curious - Riley here.

RENDER
You’re distracting me.

RILEY
It’s not even your turn.

RENDER
I’m strategizing.

RILEY
This is meant for children. You’re fine.

RENDER
Go ahead. But I’m on to your tactics.

RILEY
If you’re a longtime listener, you might think that our lives are nothing but galavanting around and high adventure. But, in truth, we also have our fair share of downtime.

Do you have fangs?

RENDER
Go fish.

RILEY
Wrong game.

(CLICK. CLICK.)

When we were back home, I raided a bunch of board games from Dad’s basement, games we used to play when I was a kid. Like, the classics:

Can you [doop doop], it’s a mystery?

You get me, I’ll get you back!

RENDER
Are you the bloodskipper?

RILEY
Sorry pal.

(CLICK.)

RENDER
And the snare closes…

RILEY
But Render was very disappointed in the lack of monster representation.

RENDER
I just want to see creatures like me.

RILEY
Hey, you don’t gotta convince me, chum.

So, Render has spent a good deal of time scratching out all the human characters and replacing them with monsters.

Wait. Render. Did you pick yourself?

RENDER
Ugh. You win.

(RILEY laughs, victoriously.)

It’s not fair - you had these as a kid.

RILEY
So?

RENDER
You’ve like, trained.

RILEY
Okay - this is not an Olympic event.

Look - you’re just going about it wrong. Okay. Set your board back up.

(RESET.)

And pick your card.

(RENDER and RILEY pick a card.)

Now, when I ask you a question, I don’t say, “are you this one card?”

I look at all the cards and try to find a trait that multiple cards share. Like:

Do you have more than two legs?

RENDER
I don’t.

RILEY
Great - and now I get to knock down these four…

(CLICK. CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.)

You’re turn.

RENDER
Are you the unmentionables?

RILEY
No. See. That’s not how you -

RENDER
It’s my strategy!

RILEY
It’s a bad strategy!

RENDER
You can’t call my ideas bad.

RILEY
Well what if your ideas are bad?

You’re never going to win this way. You don’t see me guessing one card at a time. Like:

Oh Render, did you pick yourself again?

(hmm… silence. Isn’t that interesting.)

Render… Did you pick yourself again.

(RENDER CLICKS all his pieces down in defeat.)

RENDER
You are like a Grandmaster at this.

RILEY
This game does not have Grandmasters!

(Calming down:)

Okay. Set ‘em up.

(RESET.)

And now pick a card. This isn’t you.

Render. Can you swim?

RENDER
No.

(CLICK. CLICK. CLICK.)

Are you the…

RILEY
Broader…

RENDER
Do you…

RILEY
Good.

RENDER
call yourself the sharktopustoshark.

RILEY
Hey! You nailed it.

RENDER
I did?!

RILEY
Good job.

RENDER
I beat a Grandmaster?

RILEY
Absolutely.

RENDER
… Show me.

RILEY
What?

RENDER
The card. Show me the card.

RILEY
Okay. Rematch time.

RENDER
Show me the card, Riley.

RILEY
No.

RENDER
Why not?

RILEY
Because, pal, you have to trust me.

RENDER
You cheater!

RILEY
What did you just call me?

RENDER
Show me.

RILEY
No. Stop! Let go.

RENDER
Show me.

RILEY
Not on your life, furball!

RENDER
I want to see.

RILEY
You know - you are such a sore winner.

RENDER
That’s not even a thing.

RILEY
Well I’m the Grandmaster, I think I would know. Stop!

RENDER
Not until you show me -

RILEY
I will bite you.

RENDER
You wouldn’t dare. OWWWW!

(Theme Song.)

(RILEY and RENDER climbing out of the 1996 GMC Safari.)

Is this it?

RILEY
According to GPS.

RENDER
I thought there was a sign.

RILEY
Yeah. Me too.

Oh. Hey. Over here.

RENDER
You see something?

RILEY
Maybe. It’s really overgrown. Yeah. Totally a sign.

RENDER
It’s like… covered in vines.

(RILEY begins pulling away at the vines.)

RILEY
Wanna help?

RENDER
I am. Just when you think you can’t go any further, that’s when you’ll hear me, from the stands, cheering you into a frenzy.

RILEY
Yeah. That’s what I meant.

God, wish I had a machete.

RENDER
We just had breakfast.

RILEY
What?

RENDER
What.

RILEY
A machete?

RENDER
[eets-a-me, a-Mario…] Machete!

(RILEY laughs.)

What?

RILEY
Nothing.

RENDER
You have to tell me.

RILEY
Nope. If I correct all the cute, it’ll quit happening.

(Still working:)

Just gonna point this out - you’re the big, strong one.

RENDER
Are you kidding - look at those biceps - I am impressed and inspired.

RILEY
Oh forget it - I’m pretty much done.

(RILEY steps back, tired.)

There it is, right where they said it would be.

BOTH
Welcome to the town of Wouldn’t-You-Like-To-Know, Population:

RILEY
Zilch!

RENDER
Nada!

(General confusion. THEY try again.)

RILEY
Nada!

RENDER
Zilch!

RILEY
Swish.

Alright, You ready?


RENDER
Do you think we pulled far enough off the road.

RILEY
I think we’re good.

RENDER
I’ve never been in an abandoned town before.

RILEY
Well saddle up, mah-friend. Firsts is what we do.

(They start walking.)

RENDER
Do you wanna get everybody caught up?

RILEY
This is your adventure, jump in.

RENDER
Crypto-Curious, if I’m right, we are mere minutes away from getting the drop on Professor Bunion, reclaiming the Aghast Menagerie and …. well, I guess just those two things. But those are enough.

You see - we were (finally!) en route to the second mystery location from our pages of the Menagerie when I was doing a little stalking on the instagram page for - Oh! Do it…

RILEY
You can do it.

RENDER
Yeah, but yours is funnier.

RILEY
BOW-BOW-BOW! SASK-WATCH!

RENDER
[snort-laughing:] Professor Bunion’s hilariously-bad podcast.

Well, he had this picture of this big breakfast at this small-town diner.

“Gotta fuel up if you want to catch a monster!”

Only there was a mirror behind the counter where you could the backwards letters of the name of the diner on front window.

RILEY
Render actually held my phone up to a mirror to read it which was both very unnecessary and insanely adorable.

RENDER
Well we found the diner. And we do not agree on what the term over-medium means.

RILEY
And we’re drifting off course.

RENDER
Point is - this diner is in the middle of nowhere.

RILEY
Specifically, a nowhere so expansive that the only point of note in the entire county…

RENDER
Is the creepy ghost town in the middle of the woods. The town of:

BOTH
Wouldn’t-You-Like-To-Know. Population:

RILEY
… mmm hmm.

RENDER
So here’s the plan.

RILEY
We have a plan?

RENDER
I worked it out in the car.

RILEY
Can I tell you something?

RENDER
Huh?

RILEY
Very excited about this.

RENDER
So. We sneak up on Professor Bunion…

RILEY
Obviously.

RENDER
And I run past him so fast that I’m like a blur. And I, like, bop him on the nose.

RILEY
Sure.

RENDER
And he’s all confused, like, ‘what was that!’

And that’s where you come in, sneaking up behind him with your stealth skills.

RILEY
That I have, of course, yes.

RENDER
And you grab that satchel bag he’s always carrying around.

And he turns around to see what’s going on, but he doesn’t catch you because

[RRRROOOOM]

I run by in a second blur and -

RILEY
Bop him on the nose.

RENDER
Bop him. On the. Nose!

RILEY
Well this is maybe the most perfect plan I have ever heard.

RENDER
And sure, there will be some critics out there who see that second bop on the nose as bad form.

RILEY
Do you hear that?

RENDER
But honestly, after everything Professor Bunion has put us thru, a couple of nose bops is the least that he’s earned.

RILEY
Shh… Hold on Ren -

RENDER
Now if I really wanted to get back at him.

RILEY
Someone’s coming. Hide.

(THEY run off the road, into some bushes. The sound of an APPROACHING CAR.)

Get down!

RENDER
I am down.

RILEY
You need to get more downer than that.

(RENDER shuffles lower into the dirt. A CAR speeds by.)

What is an Uber doing all the way out here?

(RILEY and RENDER are not alone.)

POTTER
I don’t think he saw us.

(Screams. Yelps! Gasps even! RILEY and RENDER leap up.)

RILEY
Umm. Hello?

POTTER
Hi!

RILEY
Alright. You’ve had your fun. Come out.

POTTER
Oh. I can’t really do that.

RENDER
Riley…

RILEY
We’re not gonna hurt you. Just come out.

RENDER
Can’t you see them?

RILEY
Them?

RENDER
They’re everywhere.

RILEY
Well that’s my least favorite sentence.

POTTER
Hey what are you talking about over there? Talking about me? Feels like you’re talking about me.

RENDER
You don’t see them? The faces. The vines growing up the trees. They look like faces.

POTTER
Oh, the faces? Yeah, people like it better with the face thing, makes them more comfortable.

RILEY
Does it?

RENDER
How many of you are there?

POTTER
Oh, it’s just me. You can call me Potter.

RENDER
Hi Potter. I’m Render. And this is my best friend, Riley.

RILEY
Hi.

POTTER
Best friend! That’s awesome. Best friends are the best. I’ve got a best friend.

RILEY
Oh yeah?

POTTER
Yeah. Here - come closer come closer come closer.

RILEY
I think I might stay out here on the road.

POTTER
Well that’s fine. That’s great. But, if you were closer, it sure would be a lot easier to get a look at you.

RENDER
Okay.

RILEY
Umm… Render. That’s the thing you say right before the fairy tale takes a dark turn. Why don’t you stay over here.

RENDER
It’s fine.

(RENDER walks closer.)

POTTER
Oh! You’re a big fella. [Laughing:] I like you. You’re a moist, well-drained soil in full sun. That’s what you are!

RENDER
Oh. Is that a … thank you?

POTTER
You’re welcome.

RENDER
Can… Can I touch you? Is that rude? Sorry.

POTTER
No! It’s fine it’s fine. Touch. Grab a handful.

(RENDER inspects POTTER.)

RENDER
So this whole vine is you?

POTTER
Yeah. Pretty much.

RILEY
Render, look up. The vines. They cover all the treetops.

POTTER
Oh, thanks. I’m pretty proud of it.

RILEY
Can you see us?

POTTER
I mean. I don’t have eyes.  But I get a pretty good sense when I’m up close.

RENDER
So, why the face?

POTTER
Oh - that was the little girl’s idea.

(POTTER starts humming a sad tune.)

RILEY
Little girl.

POTTER
She’s around here somewhere. We’ll probably run into her.

RILEY
A little girl in a ghost town.

POTTER
A ghost town?

Oh. [wink wink nudge:] that sounds dangerous.

RENDER
Not real ghosts. I thought the same thing. It just means no one lives here anymore.

POTTER
Well… If you say so.

RILEY
So if the face is just to look at - where’s your voice coming from?

POTTER
Great question. Great question.

I have no idea. I don’t know how any of this works, I never went to college.

(POTTER, that mad, flirty, som’bitch starts laughing vacantly.)

Honestly, it’s better if you don’t fixate on it too much.

RENDER
oof. You got me. Your little tendrils are… wrapping around my wrist.

RILEY
Render!

POTTER
Oh. Yeah. They do that. No big deal. Just snap ‘em off.

RENDER
I couldn’t.

POTTER
It’s fine it’s fine. Who cares?

RENDER
Doesn’t it hurt?

POTTER
Not at all.

RENDER
Oo - it’s getting tighter.

RILEY
Will you let go of him?

(RILEY runs up, snapping the vine. POTTER screams bloody murder. RILEY and RENDER join in, horrified.)

POTTER
[laughing again:] I’m just kidding. Oh - I wish I could have seen your faces all “Wah!”

RILEY
That’s not funny.

RENDER
It was pretty good.

RILEY
Well come away from there?

And you shouldn’t grab people

RENDER
or monsters -

RILEY
or monsters without their permission.

POTTER
I’m sorry. I can’t help it.

Come here, Riley. I want to apologize.

RILEY
No. You come to me.

POTTER
I can’t.

RILEY
Why not?

POTTER
It’s the blacktop - it’s too hot for me.

Come here come here come here come here. I want to get a better sense of you.

Please.

RILEY
Okay. Render. Stay on the road.

(RILEY walks into the brush, closer to POTTER.)

POTTER
A little closer.

(more steps.)

Closer.

(step.)

Oh come on, really close.

(The sound of tendrils seeking. POTTER grabs RILEY. She gasps.)

Oh. I know you.

I know all about people like you. You thrive in dry, acidic soils. You… you're drought-tolerant.

(tendrils pulls RILEY in closer. POTTER talks, sharing a secret.)

I can’t help it. I just grab all the stuff I like. And I like a lot.

The little girl. She used to say. Don’t. Don’t grow so tall. If you don’t stop growing, my daddy will cut you down.

But I didn’t stop growing.

And her daddy? He didn’t cut me down.

[singing a little tune:] blackberry, honeysuckle, I wish I knew the words…

RILEY
I’d like you to let go of me now.

POTTER
Can’t. You’ll have to break it.

(snap.)

(RILEY backs out of the woods. POTTER snaps to.)

Oh. You’re back. Yes yes yes yes. Come in come in. I’ll show you.

RENDER
Come in where?

RILEY
Show us?

POTTER
What? Oh. No. Not you. I was talking to the other one.

[grumble grumble…] Hold on, I’ll be right back.

(All quiet in the woods.)

RENDER
Potter? You still there?

RILEY
Ren. We gotta get out of here.

RENDER
Who were they talking to?

RILEY
Uh, look around Goober-Grape, It’s just us. They’re clearly crazy.

RENDER
Are you for real?

RILEY
Are you for real? … We have got to work on your radar.

Come on.

RENDER
Back to the Safari?

RILEY
Yeah. Bout that time, don’t you think?

RENDER
What about the town?

RILEY
It’ll look picturesque in a rearview mirror, I’m sure.

RENDER
I think you’re overreacting.

RILEY
Were you listening a second ago?

RENDER
I see.

RILEY
What, I see? …

RENDER
You’re jealous.

RILEY
Oh, please.

RENDER
You’re jealous that Potter likes me more.

RILEY
That’s what you think is going on here?

RENDER
It is adorable and I love you and don’t. ever. change.

RILEY
I… I don’t even know what to say.

RENDER
There are no vines in the road. We stick to the road, check out the town, get out.

Easy, Peasy, Lemon-squeezey.

RILEY
Fine. Whatever. So long as we get as far away from that vine-face as possible.

(THEY start walking.)

RENDER
Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? They grab you with those little tendrils. Just snap them.

Like pulling weeds.

RILEY
Yeah. Cause yardwork is a thing you’re known for.

POTTER
Oh good good good!

(Shrieks. You know who.)

I meant to tell you to meet me in town. You read my mind. Or… my plant thinker. You get it. You get it.

 (They stop walking.)

RILEY
Were… you listening to us back there.

POTTER
No. I was busy.

RENDER
Did you leave and come back?

POTTER
Oh. Well. Yes. Kinda.

You know you don’t have to stand still, right? You can keep walking.

RILEY
You can walk?

POTTER
No. I can only be one place at a time. But I’m also everywhere. It’s … confusing?

Keep walking keep walking keep walking. I’ll show you.

(THEY start walking. POTTER is a little behind them.)

Keep going. Yes. Yes.

(More footsteps.)

RILEY
[quietly:] Yeah. This is how you end up in an oven in fairy tales.

POTTER
[very distant:] You’re doing great - just a little further.

(walking)

[suddenly very close:] And now I’m here.

(RILEY jumps, gasps.)

You scare easy.

RILEY
Yes, I’m learning that.

POTTER
So yeah. I just kinda go where I want.

(THEY keep walking. POTTER sings to themself:)

Blackberry, Honeysuckle, zippy zippy zip. [hums a little more]

RENDER
So this is the town?

POTTER
Adorable isn’t it.

RILEY
It’s very quiet.

POTTER
You noticed?

RILEY
Yeah.

POTTER
It used to be more active - like really buzzing. And then there was this period where people started leaving. But that all calmed down.

RILEY
I can’t imagine why…

RENDER
It was probably all the vines, don’t you think?

POTTER
You should meet the townspeople. They’re very nice - you’d like them. They’re just inside this house.

RILEY
Oh no, I don’t think we’ve got time for that. Thank you tho.

RENDER
What? We’ve got all day.

RILEY
Render?

POTTER
It’ll just take a second.

RENDER
Sure.

RILEY
What has gotten into you?

RENDER
They’re nice. They like us. And we didn’t come all this way to not investigate.

RILEY
That is a murder house. You’re being drawn into a murder house.

RENDER
Omigod - you can’t stand that Potter likes me more. Wow.

RILEY
This is not about that.

RENDER
Look - I’m going to go in there. You stay here. If I run into trouble, which I won’t, I’ll call.

(RENDER walks towards the house.)

POTTER
[calling from off:] Come on - it’s just inside here.

RENDER
Oh. Wow. I love what you’ve done with the place.

(RENDER goes in. RILEY waits a moment.)

RILEY
Alright. Into the oven we go.

(RILEY runs after RENDER.)

(Inside the house.)

Render!

RENDER
[distant, calling:] We’re in the basement.

RILEY
[to herself:] Ooooh of course. Why are you doing this to me?

[sigh.] Snot Otter.

(Basement steps.)

RENDER
You made all this?

POTTER
Yeah yeah yeah

RENDER
That is so cool. Riley! Potter’s making their own rocking chairs!

POTTER
It took some doing to get good at. [laughing:] my first ones were dreadful.

RILEY
They’re nice. Render, we really should get going, pal.

POTTER
Oh you have to try it.

(A tendril whips out, snagging RILEY, pulling her down into the rocking chair with force. The chair creaks, rocking.)

RENDER
Okay, not cool, Potter. Maybe you don’t realize it cause you’re a vine. But getting tugged around can really hurt somebody.

POTTER
Oh can it?

(Tendrils reach out, wrapping around RENDER’S wrist and ankles.)

RILEY
I can’t get up. It’s too tight.

POTTER
Can it hurt, Render? Getting ripped up, picked, burned in a pile. Does the phrase ‘dead heading’ sound pleasant to you?

RENDER
You said it didn’t hurt.

POTTER
Of course it hurts. Every single time.

(RENDER rips free, only to be grabbed again. Struggling. Ripping.)

RILEY
Render, hurry.

RENDER
Yeah. I got you.

I can’t break them. They’re too thick.

RILEY
Then find something.

RENDER
Yeah.

POTTER
Where are you going?

RENDER
Umm… push broom - dustpan - mop - hockey stick

POTTER
Oo - set that aside - I was looking for that.

RENDER
Hey - there’s this big bladey thing.

RILEY
Machete.

RENDER
Umm… Now is not the time to be thinking about food.

RILEY
That is a machete!

RENDER
Really? That’s what a machete is?

POTTER
Yeah. [to RILEY:] didn’t know what a machete is? That’s wild.

RILEY
Can you use it please?!

RENDER
Coming up. Uhhhh… I don’t want to hit you.

POTTER
Oh… you’re definitely going to hit her. Like 90%.

RILEY
I don’t want to die here.

RENDER
Right.

(RENDER starts swinging.)

POTTER
Look what you’re doing to my rocking chair!

(RILEY is free.)

RILEY
Come on.

(The door to the basement slams with the sound of unspooling tendrils.)

POTTER
I think we got off to the wrong foot. On three, we’ll all drop out machetes and talk this out.

RILEY
There! [to just RENDER:] On the far end. A storm door. Can you distract him?

RENDER
Oh well. Time to put today’s plan into action.

(RENDER charges POTTER and buries the machete into another vine face with a deep THUD! POTTER screams. Well… EVERYBODY scream.)

RILEY
Render!

RENDER
I was trying to bop them on the nose!

RILEY
Grab that machete and let’s go.

(THEY run, up into the yard.)

This way.

RENDER
No no. We came the other way.

RILEY
The vines are thinner this way. Thru the backyards until we make it back to the street.

(Running. Music. The street.)

RILEY
Alright. You okay?

RENDER
Yeah.

RILEY
Okay. Good.

POTTER
I’m not okay - if you meant to ask.

RILEY
I did not.

POTTER
Oh come on - I’m the one getting chopped to bits - I don’t know why you’re the one who’s mad.

RENDER
You tried to tie up my friend.

RILEY
Ignore him -

POTTER
Rude!

RILEY
Stick to the street, get back to the Safari.

RENDER
Right.

(They start running.)

POTTER
Or… And I’m just spit-balling here… step into this front yard and lie down for a quick nap.

RENDER
Oh nice try! He’s trying to trick us again.

RILEY
Oh, you think?

POTTER
Oh, y’all saw thru that huh? Well it worked on the other one.

(RILEY stops.)

RILEY
The other one?

RENDER
Riley, come on.

RILEY
The Uber… ‘Come on in.’ Ren, someone else is here.

RENDER
You sure? Potter?

POTTER
Well… Define someone. And else. And here.

Alright fine, you’re not alone.

RILEY
Look in the windows, do you see anybody?

(They pause, scanning the houses.)

RENDER
It’s that one.

RILEY
Right there? How do you know?

RENDER
I’m positive. Look at the name on the mailbox.

RILEY
Potter…

(RENDER takes off running.)

Oh good, just run right in. That’s how we operate.

(RILEY takes off after him.)

(Inside the house.)

RENDER
Snot! Otter! Look at this!

RILEY
Roots. It must be the entire root system for the vines.

RENDER
This must have been where it all started. It’s tearing the whole house to pieces.

(Tendrils pursuing. The house rumbles.)

RILEY
We gotta keep moving.

RENDER
Where?

ERIC
(from far off:)

Upstairs!

RILEY
Eric?!

RENDER
Bunion?!

ERIC
I’ll answer to either right about now.

(running up stairs.)

Riley! Big… guy.

RENDER
Do you still not know my name.

ERIC
I’m better with faces.

RILEY
You climbed into bed!

POTTER
I told him to take a nap. What?! He looked like he was getting sick.

ERIC
I think it was something I ate at that diner.

RENDER
Was it the over-medium eggs.

ERIC
Over-medium is a stretch.

POTTER
Well at least we’re all together. That’s what matters.

RILEY
We are leaving. Render, the machete.

ERIC
Don’t worry. I’ve got it. All you have to do is lie perfectly still and the vines loosen their grip.

POTTER
No they don’t.

ERIC
Alright. Well… you never know. Sometimes they do. Gotta check.

RILEY
Cut him loose.

RENDER
On it.

(Tendrils grab at RILEY.)

RILEY
Quickly please.

(RENDER whacks in the background.)

POTTER
Nobody ever wants to stay.

They started leaving. One family at a time. But I saw it coming. Pretty soon, it was just going to be me. So I snuck into their houses while they slept. Up thru drainage pipes, cracks in the mortar, gaps in windows.

(RENDER frees ERIC.)

RENDER
Come on, get up.

ERIC
Thanks.

POTTER
And I held on tight. And they stayed. Frozen in their beds and chairs. They all stayed close.

Except the little girl. She asked if she could leave. And I let her.

Oh, we were best friends. She used to water me and sing songs to me.

I forget her name. That was so long ago.

Would you like to meet her?

Here.

RENDER
Oh my…

RILEY
Crypto-Curious. I don’t know how else to describe this. Sitting by the window, in a vine-sculpted rocking chair. It’s a blue sundress, filled from the inside and spilling out in long vines.

It’s a girl. Looking out the window. Long green tendrils of hair. She’s clutching a watering can.

POTTER
I lost my best friend. I wasn’t good for her. I know that.

[singing:] Blackberry, Honeysuckle, [suddenly remembering…] Lovely is the vine.
It will cover all of us, just give it time.

Look at me… I’m practically deciduous.

You should go. Go!

RILEY
Okay. Come on.

ERIC
Wait. My jar.

RILEY
What is that?

ERIC
They said I could come up and get a sapling.

(RILEY grabs jar, throws. It smashed against the wall.)

RENDER
That was harsh.

RILEY
You two are unbelievable sometimes. Come on.

(Footsteps. Running.)

POTTER
Render?

RENDER
Yeah Potter.

POTTER
Bye Render.

(Footsteps. A sudden cut in sound. Music.)

RILEY
Welcome back Crypto-Curious. So… lesson learned, don’t put Render in charge of replacing batteries. So, to catch you up. Professor Bunion, and his satchel bag, made it out of town before we did. That man is a remarkable runner. By the time we got back to the edge of town, he was climbing into another Uber. I’m honestly shocked he had service. But… we stopped him from carrying a ravenous monster-vine with him, so that’s something.

It is a beautiful day, made all the better by being alive and having my best friend with me.

He wants to believe in everybody. I think that is the most fantastic thing about Render. It’s going to get me killed, but it’s pretty wonderful all the same.

(The sound of a creeping tendril. RILEY rips it up.)

POTTER
[screaming, a little ways off:] Oww!

RILEY
Quit trying to grab me!

POTTER
Sorry! Habit.

RILEY
We are back at the edge of town. Sitting in the middle of the street and visiting.

It was Render’s idea. I think he’s sympathetic to be trapped and alone all day.

So we’ve been here all morning. Playing board games.

Monster board games.

POTTER
Okay okay okay okay - This time I got it. It was Colonel Professor Bunion in the Overgrown Marshland with the Lime Green Kia.

RENDER
He’s good. Maybe not grandmaster good, but good.

POTTER
I don’t know what any of those words meant.

RILEY
Well, we’ve only got a little time left before it’ll be time to get back onto the road -

POTTER
Is it time for me to do the line you gave me?

RILEY
I am still wrapping up.

POTTER
Got it. You’re doing great.

RILEY
So. Crypto-Curious, until we’re back together again, find someone you love and hold on tight.

Just not too tight.

POTTER
Is it my turn?

RILEY
Yes! Go.

POTTER
And like they say where we’re from:

It’s a shape-shifter Eustice, it could be any one of us!!!

(end of episode.)

PETER
Hi, this is Peter Michael Marino. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Dave Powell as Professor Bunion and me, Peter Michael Marino as Potter. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio.

JORDAN
Hi, this is Jordan Trovillion. Thanks as always for sticking by us - if you enjoyed today’s episode, the simplest way you can help us is by recommending us to a friend - or rating and reviewing the show wherever you found us.

Have Monster, Will Travel is brought to you in part thanks to the generous support of Messed Comics. More information can be found at messedcomics.com. That’s M-E-S-S-E-D Comics.com

For more knuckles and know-how, follow us on instagram @havemonsterwilltravel

Finally, a big Render-squeeze to Ezra, who recorded his "Guess Who" game with his Mom for us to use in the intro. Thanks Ezra!