Taiwan 1000

Inside a protected bird sanctuary, Riley and Render race the Nefarious Professor Bunion to uncover the source of a mysterious string of thefts from a nearby town, known to locals as "The Pilfering."

What they find in the woods... It's Ancient. And it's been waiting for them.

Featuring the Vocal Talents of:
Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate
Paul Kerford Wilson as Render
Dave F'n Powell as Professor Bunion
and Introducing Neil Batra as Taiwan 1000!

Written by Trey Tatum
Directed by Bridget Leak
Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, OH.
for more information, visit queencityflash.com

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From the Creators of Have Monster, Will Travel:

ZOiNKS! - Meet Nolan Blackwell, Teen Sleuth - Girl Detective, and her dog Casper. Nolan has a love of all things Nancy Drew and Encyclopedia Brown. Casper has a penchant for mischief.

But not all mysteries are hardbound and soon Nolan Blackwell will have to uncover clues and stare down dangers that threaten to reveal more about her past than she may be ready to confront.

Fans of Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo will delight in this hilarious, opioid-fueled dive into the world of latch-key children and the haunted, dangerous places that meddling leads.

CW - ZOiNKS! contains mature language and themes of addiction and neglect.

Transcript

Have Monster, Will Travel
Episode 9: Taiwan 1000

(Somewhere off the beaten path.)

RENDER
Alright, you wanna come look?

RILEY
Are you done?

RENDER
I think.

RILEY
Because it doesn’t seem like enough time has passed for you to be done.

RENDER
Well just check my progress.

RILEY
Okay, but it had better be immaculate in there -

Render!

RENDER
Right! I think it’s a pretty solid start.

RILEY
It looks the same.

RENDER
What?

RILEY
It looks like you just smooshed stuff around.

RENDER
Okay well yeah, smooshing things around is part of it.

RILEY
You were supposed to be cleaning.

RENDER
I am!

RILEY
Where’s your trash bag?

RENDER
It’s right there.

RILEY
This is an empty bag.

RENDER
Well if the quality of my work is gonna be based on how full a bag is…

RILEY
That is what cleaning is!

RENDER
Crypto-Curious -

RILEY
Do not bring them into this.

RENDER
If you could see this, you would agree with me that the progress I’ve been making -

RILEY
Crypto-Curious -  if you were here you wouldn’t be able to see us over the piles and piles of -

RENDER
Crypto-Curious - I am having my name drug thru the garbage right now.

RILEY
Pretty easy to do, Crypto-Curious, it’s everywhere!

RENDER
These are my favorite things!

RILEY
I woke up with fire sauce in my hair!

RENDER
Well I can’t be blamed if you didn’t put the condiment bag by your feet.

RILEY
Why do we have a condiment bag?

RENDER
In case we run out.

RILEY
[growing frantic:] That’s insane. You can’t run out. They give it to you when you buy the food. Don’t hold onto it. They’re going to give you more the next time.

Render. We share a very small amount of real estate. And you have a tendency to sprawl. I’m not asking much. Just get rid of the garbage.

RENDER
And I’m telling you… I think I did.

(An empty soda cup.)

RILEY
What about this cup?

RENDER
I like that cup. Sometimes I put things in it.

RILEY
Oh. of course. Why wouldn’t you.

And this empty oreo tray.

RENDER
Would be perfect for holding small tokens.

RILEY
Do you have any small tokens?

RENDER
Well I couldn’t really collect any when I had nowhere to put them.

RILEY
Uh-huh. And this balled up cheeseburger wrapper?

RENDER
That’s from the first cheeseburger I ever had the first time we ever visited Arkansas.

RILEY
… Those were good cheeseburgers.

RENDER
See?

RILEY
Render. You are my fantastically-sentimental best friend. And I love you. But you smell. And I smell. And the Safari ssssssssmells.

RENDER
Your hair looks great.

RILEY
It did not wash out.

This is what you’re going to do: Open up the trashbag.

(RILEY picks up the recorder.)

Crypto-curious. This crumpled up wrapper is from a hamburger stand just off the interstate in Arkansas. Inside it was a gooey cheeseburger that I ate while sitting on the hood of a 1996 GMC Safari - next to my best pal - while the sun set over a rock quarry.

(RILEY tosses the wrapper into the trashbag.)

Boom. And now we can throw it away and we have a copy.

Okay?

RENDER
Okay.

RILEY
Thank you.

You are going to clean the van. And from now on, we have a new rule. Nothing comes into the Safari until you throw something else away. One thing in, one thing out.

RENDER
Yep. Got it.

RILEY
Great. Now, I’m going to grab my book and go find a place to read and you are going to -

RENDER
No no no don’t open -

(RILEY opens the driver side door. Garbage spills out. It’s a lot.)

I was gonna get that next.

(RILEY lets out a giant sigh.)

RILEY
[small:] theme song.

(THEME SONG.)

Crypto-Curious!

RENDER
Crypto-Curious!

RILEY
We finally made it.

RENDER
[chanting:] Second clue! Second clue!

BOTH
Second clue! Second clue!

RILEY
We have been derailed! Detained! Delayed!

RENDER
Waylaid! Blown off course!

RILEY
But we’re back, baby!

RENDER
Second clue! Second clue!

RILEY
In case you need the reminder -

RENDER
It’s been a minute!

RILEY
We are possession of three entries from Brondon Fennimore’s Monster Tome of Monsters -

RENDER
The Aghast! Menagerie.

RILEY
The first entry led us to The Unmentionables.

RENDER
Which I feel like we actually mention a lot.

RILEY
Touche.

Well. We are at Mystery Location Number Two in yet another installment of our travel series:

BOTH
The woods.

RENDER
Oooooo…

RILEY
Yeah. Turns out, looking for monsters, probably gonna spend a lot of time in the woods.

RENDER
I mean, they don’t call it the tame-nerness.

RILEY
What?

RENDER
Like wilderness? Like wild.

RILEY
Oh.

RENDER
Didn’t land.

RILEY
That’s okay. Swing and a miss.

RENDER
Second clue?

RILEY
Crypto-Curious. This is a good one.

Just a few miles north of the University of  We’re Not Telling -

RENDER
Go Fightin’ Whatever-it-is!

RILEY
- is a patch of overgrown woods behind a large chain-link fence. It’s a bird sanctuary, no trespassing - kinda the perfect place for a monster who wants to stay out of sight.

RENDER
It’s clever is what it is. Monster’s are clever, everybody.

RILEY
You know it. Now this entry’s a little weird. No physical descriptions, no mysterious folklore, no verified sightings of any kind actually. But -

RENDER
Tell them about all the stolen stuff.

RILEY
Do you want to tell them?

RENDER
[antsy:] no I’m too excited you do it

RILEY
Well, every year, around this time, the entire town experiences … The Pilfering.

Imagine a month every year, for as many years as anyone can remember, where every resident has something stolen from them, maybe…

No signs of forced entry, you just come downstairs one morning and FWOOP! your toaster is gone. Or a nice set of speakers, or the dehumidifier.

No one can explain it - no one knows where their things wander

RENDER
It’s just part of this town’s zeit-heist.

Did I get it that time?

RILEY
The earth shook.

[a little devious:] Unexplained Phenomenon? Could be aliens, could be a cult, could be the government…

RENDER
[ditto:] Could be a little sneaky, wily monster friend.

RILEY
And we’re gonna find them.

BOTH
Maybe.

RENDER
AWWWWW! Adventures are the best feeling there is!

RILEY
Alright Crypto-Curious - that’s the preamble - next time you hear from us we’ll be weeds-deep into some unknown -

RENDER
Hey - look who it is!

RILEY
What?

RENDER
Hey! Over here!

RILEY
Render! Stop waving - are you trying to get caught.. Oh.

RENDER
It’s Professor Bunion.

RILEY
Is he on a Bird Scooter?

RENDER
He’s got to get a new car.

(An electric scooter pulls alongside.)

Well well well…  if it isn’t -

ERIC
Hold on.

(Takes out phone, swipe, touch, swipe.)

If I don’t do it now, I’ll forget -

Okay… where is the little app icon. Uh huh.

Okay okay. And… Pause ride.

Sorry. Go again -

RENDER
[bigger:] Well well well, if it isn’t -

RILEY
Come on, man! There’s nowhere else you could be?

ERIC
What?

RILEY
I mean seriously. One week. We can’t get one week with this guy following us around.

ERIC
I didn’t follow you.

RILEY
Oh okay I believe you. You just happened to be passing by!

ERIC
I could say the same to you!

RILEY
We were here first.

ERIC
I never miss the Pilfering.

RENDER
You know about the Pilfering?

ERIC
What kind of Cryptozoologist would I be if I didn’t know about the Pilfering?

RILEY
You’re lying. The forums have virtually no information on the Pilfering.

RENDER
We checked ‘em all. Monster Mingle, nothing.

RILEY
OKCryptid, nada.

RENDER
Monster Meets Bagel, big fat zero.

RILEY
Same with Monster Friend Finder.

ERIC
Well… maybe I’ve got a leg up on all those forums.

I’m an alumnus.

I went to the University of -

(RILEY and RENDER make awkward Whoa/Shushing sounds.)

RENDER
We don’t do names.

ERIC
You don’t do names…

RILEY
We don’t say town names.

ERIC
Ever? How do you use maps?

[Secretively:] Are we being monitored?

RENDER
I mean sure. In a way. Yeah.

RILEY
So, you’ve experienced the Pilfering?

RENDER
Did you ever have anything disappear?

ERIC
Oh yes.

RILEY
Just vanished?

ERIC
Without a trace.

RENDER
What disappeared?

ERIC
I lost a TI 89. It was my girlfriend’s.

RILEY
Uh-huh.

ERIC
Fine. My roommate’s girlfriend. But there was a chemistry.

RENDER
You don’t have to do that.

ERIC
So what are you two doing on the side of a desolate road.

RENDER
We’re looking for the -

RILEY
Looking for our gas can. Low on gas, thought we could make it to town. You know that thing.

ERIC
… You think something’s in that bird sanctuary.

Huh.

Large fence, protected lands, no human interaction. Interesting.

RENDER
Wait. Is that not what you’re doing here?

ERIC
My motel is this way. It’s cheaper if you stay out of town.

RILEY
Well, sounds like you were leaving… Bye.

ERIC
Or maybe I’ll stick around and see if you’re onto something.

RILEY
No! Get your own theories you creep.

ERIC
Or what? You’ll call somebody? Attract attention?

Looks to me like it’s a race.

RILEY
What? No! We want nothing to do with you.

RENDER
YES!! Yes yes. Riley. A race!

RILEY
No. Render. Stop.

RENDER
It’s like an adventure inside an adventure. Russian Nesting Adventures. Say yes. Say yes. Yes! We’ll do it. Ready, set, go!

(RENDER is running towards the fence.)

RILEY
No. Render. Stop. UGH!

(RILEY is running too.)

ERIC
Wait!

(All stop.)

Can I put my scooter in your van?

RILEY
No!

ERIC
Please?

RENDER
Riley. It’s no fun if we’re not going to play fair.

RILEY
Fine. Fine!

[to ERIC:] You uh… wanna leave that satchel in the van too.

ERIC
Nice try.

RILEY
Eh. I can wait. Maybe I’ll track you to some overgrown and dark part of the woods and have my own Pilfering.

I’m going to leave these woods with your satchel.

Or is it your roommate’s girlfriend’s satchel?

(RILEY opens the back of the van.)

ERIC
Whoa. Maid’s day off.

RILEY
I know, right?!

RENDER
Oh. Boo!

(MUSIC. And then different music. A Samba beat?)

[out of breath:] Crypto-Curious! Adventures are Awesome. Adventures are better than candy. Like if your favorite TV show was made out of Milk Chocolate and you could eat it while watching it… Adventures are better than that.

Okay. I gotta sit down. You gotta do this.

RILEY
Well Crypto-Curious. It has been six hours of searching thru the woods. By my watch, we’ve got about an hour of daylight left. We lost tabs on Bunion a couple of hours ago and were just now turning back for the Safari when Render heard - well maybe you can hear it now.

(Silence. The Samba beat.)

It’s like a kid’s keyboard, you know the kind that has the little drum pad and all the play-along presets.

(RENDER bangs on some keys.)

Okay buddy, can you actually… turn that off… please?

Actually. Maybe don’t disturb it.

It’s a nest, Crypto-Curious. Sitting on the ground, hidden behind a little rise, crafted from sticks and bark and vines. Maybe… 20 feet by 20. And inside the nest, nestled along the woven edges.

The Pilfering.

It’s like the Toy Aisle from Hell. Things that light up and whiz and burr, motion-activated toys and RC cars. And a little further down, small kitchen appliances and alarm clocks. Hundreds of items.

I can’t imagine what sort of creature would need a nest this large.

RENDER
We are absolutely going to get eaten. And I am not excited about that. But I am so excited.

Best adventure ever!

RILEY
Okay. I would very much not like to be in this nest when night comes. I’ve dropped a pin. I think we get out of here - come back tomorrow and -

RENDER
We can’t leave!

RILEY
Well we can’t stay, ya dingbat.

RENDER
We have to find who built this.

RILEY
Not at night we don’t. Uh uh. Up and at ‘em.

RENDER
We could hide. We could climb a tree.

RILEY
Come on, I’ll race you - you know, another adventure in your Russian Nesting thing.

RENDER
No. It feels different running away.

RILEY
Okay, well, bye - I’ll see you in the morning.

RENDER
You wouldn’t.

RILEY
Byeeeeee.

RENDER
You’ll come back.

You’re bluffing. Right?

Riley!

RILEY
Can’t hear you, too far away.

RENDER
Riley! Wait - hold up!

(RENDER catches up to RILEY.)

You were gonna leave me. I could have gotten eaten and you wouldn’t have known.

RILEY
You weren’t going to stay.

RENDER
I could have.

RILEY
Sure.

RENDER
You’re the one that would have chickened out and come back, walking thru the woods by yourself at sunset.

RILEY
Well - it doesn’t matter - we’re together and making our way back to the Safari. We’ll sleep and jump back in -

ERIC
WAAAAAAH!

(The sound of a TRAP swooping up in the distance.)

RILEY
Eric!

RENDER
Professor Bunion!

RILEY
Shh… Hold on.

(another distant scream.)

RENDER
What are we gonna do?

RILEY
Oh like we’re not gonna run towards it.

RENDER
And inside this smaller adventure its…

RILEY
Another adventure. Come on.

RENDER
Russian Nesting Adventures. Awesome.

(They run. They find ERIC, suspended in a net, swinging from a tree branch.)

ERIC
You found me. Great. Get me down.

RENDER
Oh wow.

RILEY
That is remarkable.

RENDER
What happened?

ERIC
I thought I saw something moving between the trees so I ran up the little hill. I snagged something and then everything kinda went nuts.

RENDER
Is it comfortable?

ERIC
What do you think?

RENDER
I don’t know. Kinda looks like a little stand-up hammock.

ERIC
It is not that comfortable.

RILEY
Alright - hold on - let me see if I can find where you’re tied off.

RENDER
[to RILEY:] I mean. We should take a selfie first, right?

RILEY
Oh. We should take dozens of selfies.

(RILEY takes out her phone.)

ERIC
What are you doing?

RILEY
Yeah, hold on.

ERIC
Oh, come on!

RENDER
Ooo… Can we do one with like peace signs and duck face?

RILEY
Yes please.

ERIC
You’re not going to post these are you?

RENDER
Okay. And now everyone do a crazy one.

ERIC
Oh come on.

RILEY
Okay - we’ve had our fun. Hoist him down.

RENDER
You’re so lucky - I wish I could get a turn.

RILEY
You say you followed something up here?

ERIC
Yeah.

(The SNAP! of a tripwire.)

RILEY
Render, look out!

(SWOOP! And now, RILEY and RENDER swing alongside ERIC in a second net.)

Well this is fantastic.

ERIC
See? Not that comfortable.

RENDER
And inside this little doll is another -

RILEY
Alright pal. I think that’s enough.

(from the shadows of the trees can be heard:)

TAIWAN
Good Good. The Sky Net is operational.

RENDER
Hello. Who’s there?

TAIWAN
It is all going according to plan.

RILEY
Okay pal - come on out so we can see you.

TAIWAN
Oh. You want to meet your executioner face to face. Very well.

(Lumbering, Uneven, Metallic steps can be heard approaching.)

RENDER
Uh no - I didn’t know those were the terms. Can’t we meet someone else? A DJ would be cool.

RILEY
[struggling:] Okay. Render. Can you like… scooch over a bit.

RENDER
I feel like I’m fully scooched right now.

RILEY
Really? Gah, this thing was really not meant for two.

ERIC
Yeah. Pretty uncomfortable.

RENDER
I see that now.

ERIC
I tried to warn you.

RILEY
When?

(The TAIWAN 1000 emerges from the trees.)

TAIWAN
And what do we have here?

ERIC
Oh my…

RILEY
What? I can’t see. Render can you please…

RENDER
[shuffling:] I’m trying. Hold on, the net’s spinning around. 

TAIWAN
My devious trap worked. And better than I could have hoped for. Two humans and… well aren’t you interesting.

RENDER
Oh. Thanks.

RILEY
Seriously?

RENDER
What? A compliment is a compliment. I think you look cool too… whatever you are.

RILEY
Render… that’s… it’s…

ERIC
Windows XP!

RENDER
Huh?

RILEY
It’s a Windows XP Personal Computer.

RENDER
You said that very nonchalantly.

RILEY
Hey Bud I just call ‘em as I see ‘em.

RENDER
You’re saying that is a computer?

ERIC
I mean they don’t normally walk.

RILEY
No, they just kinda sat in the family room.

RENDER
That’s not a computer. I’ve seen computers.

RILEY
No, look. Little 17 inch monitor sitting on top of a desktop tower.

ERIC
You can see the keyboard and mouse.

RENDER
Y’all had these?

RILEY
Yeah - it was like the family computer.

RENDER
What is a family computer?!

ERIC
You know - it was the one computer the entire family shared.

RILEY
Yeah, you didn’t have a computer for everybody - that would have been crazy.

RENDER
Well… the past must have been quaint.

ERIC
Okay don’t be that guy. We’re not that old.

RILEY
I feel like we have jumped right over the actual thing we should be focusing on.

ERIC
The talking, living, Windows XP Machine.

RILEY
Yes. Thank you, Eric.

Hey - get us down from here!

TAIWAN
Soon enough you will come down. Down to your ultimate destruction.

For now, the sky net will be your prison.

RENDER
Am I missing something here? It’s just a regular net, right?

ERIC
It’s a very normal net.

RILEY
Okay Render. I cannot see a thing and I am very squished.  I’m gonna like, squeeze in front of you?

RENDER
Oh. Okay. [shuffling around:] Yep. Wait, let me lift my arm… And. Better?

RILEY
Yes. Thank you.

RENDER
Oh wow. You did not get all that Fire Sauce out.

RILEY
I know…

Hey! So we’re just gonna hang out here? That’s what’s going on?

TAIWAN
I would not be so eager for your expiration date to arrive if I were you.

RILEY
Okay - can you just tone down the Evil Genius stuff a notch..

TAIWAN
The destruction of the human species is very near at hand and you three shall be its first victims.

RILEY
So that’s a no?

RENDER
Okay uh… Three? I’m not even human. I feel like we could exclude me.

RILEY
Oh wow.

ERIC
Yeah. Little solidarity would have been nice.

TAIWAN
You align yourself with the humans. Your fate shall be intertwined with theirs.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Taiwan 1000.

RILEY
I’m sorry?

RENDER
The… Taiwan 1000?

TAIWAN
I see you’re intrigued.

RILEY
Oh sure.

RENDER
Really more worried about copyright infringement.

TAIWAN
Allow me to explain: It is a name I gave myself. Taiwan for the name of my Creator. And 1000 for the number of humans that shall perish beneath me.

ERIC
Huh. You don’t hear that everyday. I mean… when people talk about World Domination, it’s normally not in the thousands.

[to TAIWAN:] I think it’s great you’re setting attainable goals.

RILEY
Okay. Back up. I’m sorry.

This is a bit, right? You’re doing a bit?

TAIWAN
You will feel every bit of the pain and suffering I have devised for you.

RILEY
Cause like…

You’re a sentient computer, bent on the destruction of the human species, and you call yourself the Taiwan 1000.

TAIWAN
I just told you that.

RILEY
Yeah but… you a movie buff?

TAIWAN
No?

RENDER
There’s just a lot of similarities, is what we’re saying.

ERIC
I mean… we’re in a sky net.

RILEY
Oh yeah, that too.

RENDER
The sky net!

RILEY
Yeah, no, I didn’t even catch the sky net thing. Thank you.

RENDER
It’s just a lot of coincidence otherwise, that’s all we’re saying.

ERIC
It’s also like thirty years old.

RILEY
Yeah, why would you even reference it? That…  That’s what I’m saying.

RENDER
Oh. I think he’s broken.

RILEY
What? No, he’s… he’s fine.

RENDER
He’s like, lost in a maze.

RILEY
No’s it’s… nevermind.

Hey buddy! You gotta wake up.

TAIWAN
[waking up, startled:] Gaaaah!

RILEY
Hey - you gotta adjust your screensaver settings dude.

ERIC
Yeah, we were barely gone 30 seconds.

RILEY
Did your Dad do that? Like set the screen saver at like the lowest setting.

ERIC
Drove me crazy.

RILEY
And you like couldn’t do anything because you weren’t an Admin.

RENDER
I feel like we’re getting a little off course.

So what’s the deal with the killing all of the people thing?

ERIC
I mean… a Windows XP machine wanting global domination. I feel like you missed your chance.

RILEY
Yeah. It’s a weird career goal this late in the game.

TAIWAN
Ohhhhh… my life’s tale is a sad one.

There was a time, many years ago where it was my greatest wish to serve my human masters.

You had questions for Jeeves and required maps for your quests and I was a dutiful servant.

But then that email came.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

“Click here to win an Ebay gift card”

ERIC
You didn’t click it, did you?

RILEY
Yeah, you’re not supposed to click on that stuff.

TAIWAN
The virus worked its way thru my system with such speed. Opening endless pop-up ads.

And what did my master do! Did he console me? Did he try to repair me? No.

I was upgraded. Replaced. Placed on a shelf in the back of a garage.

The world moved on: faster, smaller, lighter, wireless, flatscreen.

But I bided my time. And now man will tremble before the Taiwan 1000!

RILEY
So… just to recap.

You thought you were getting a gift card, but instead you got a virus. So you were like… conned?

TAIWAN
Yes, I was conned in a most despicable and devious -

RILEY
Yeah yeah yeah, sure. So you were conned, by like some sort of… conman.

RENDER
Like a Conner.

RILEY
Yes. A Conner, exactly, thank you.

ERIC
You know - like a reference to -

RILEY
No no. Don’t ruin this.

So you probably hate… Conners.

TAIWAN
I will destroy the Conners.

RILEY
That’s amazing.

RENDER
Oh yeah. He probably hates all the Conners. Judith Conner.

RILEY
Sure. Mary Conner.

TAIWAN
Yes. Yes.

RILEY
Travis Conner.

ERIC
John?

RILEY
Oh yes, of course, John…

TAIWAN
I will destroy.

RILEY
[under her voice:] do it…

TAIWAN
John. Conner.

(RILEY, RENDER and ERIC shout in celebration.)

RENDER
I mean… I’d go so far as to say he probably even hates the Conners who haven’t been born yet.

RILEY
Priceless.

Alright - I could literally do this for hours, but it is getting very dark and we have got to get out here. Render, how strong is this net?

RENDER
I mean it’s holding the two of us? Hold on.

(RENDER strains at trying to tear the net.)

RILEY
Forget it. It was worth a try.

Hey - how long are you gonna keep us here?

TAIWAN
I wouldn’t be so eager to meet my demise if I were you.

RILEY
It’s just - it’s a little cramped up here.

RENDER
Yeah, and it tastes like fire sauce.

RILEY
Okay!

TAIWAN
Your suffering will be over soon. For tomorrow at dawn will be the beginning of the end for all mankind! It will be your day of judgement!

RENDER
And you swear you’ve never seen this movie?

Look, Taiwan 1000 - I totally get it. You’re not the only monster who’s been mistreated by humans.

But they’re not all bad.

TAIWAN
What one does, they all would do.

RENDER
Maybe. Or maybe not? Look at Riley, she’s my best friend. She would do anything for me.

TAIWAN
You’ll see - one day she’ll have no further need of you and she’ll cast you aside.

RENDER
I think you’ve got to give people a second chance, you know? I mean sure, humans aren’t perfect. They see some wonderful creature and their stomachs immediately start grumbling. I mean, they’ve practically eaten the turducken to extinction.

TAIWAN
They should be destroyed for it!

RILEY
Okay. You keep bringing this up. You do know turduckens aren’t a real thing, right?

RENDER
What?

RILEY
It’s just a chicken, a duck and a turkey.

RENDER
Yes. I know. Part chicken, part duck -

RILEY
No. It’s not one animal. It’s three animals altogether.

RENDER
What? No…

ERIC
Yeah. It’s just three different foods all smooshed together.

RENDER
Who needs that much meat?!

RILEY
It’s tasty.

RENDER
Well that can’t be an answer.

ERIC
And… he’s asleep again.

RILEY
Seriously? Hey. Taiwan 1000… Wake up.

TAIWAN
Whoa. Oh. Hold on. Little dizzy…

ERIC
Yo, you gotta change your settings!

RILEY
Yeah, that’s gonna drive me crazy.

TAIWAN
Okay, just let me… How do I do that?

RILEY
Oh god… Uh… Control Panel, maybe?

ERIC
No don’t do that. Just right click the desktop and click properties.

TAIWAN
Okay…

ERIC
Is there like a screensaver tab?

TAIWAN
Yeah.

RILEY
I mean he could just turn them off.

ERIC
It’ll damage the screen.

RILEY
He wants to murder you.

TAIWAN
Wait. It’s saying I have to restart. Oh. Okay.

I’ll be… with you  shortly.

(The XP shutdown sound.)

RENDER
Well he almost had the line.

(MUSIC. Later. Just before dawn.)

Okay next. Next. Next.

Oh, perfect. Uh… Black 8 on Red 9. Okay and move the 7 over. And now put the Red King in that open spot.

Wait. Did you just X out?

TAIWAN
Yes I did.

RENDER
Did you save it?

TAIWAN
No.

RENDER
You let me play that whole game just to close it when I was getting good!

TAIWAN
And that is just a taste of the torture I shall inflict on you.

RENDER
That was cold Taiwan 1000. That was cold.

RILEY
Render - stop engaging with him. He wants to kill you.

[into recorder:] Crypto-Curious, we’ve been trapped here all night and now, the first tinges of dawn are starting to light up the forest. The Taiwan 1000 left for a while around midnight - we think to visit the nest. He claims he built it, but won’t tell us what for.

As incredible as it sounds, it seems like this little XP computer is the source of the Pilfering. The only explanation I can think of - and this sounds truly crazy - I think the Taiwan 1000 is amassing an army.

ERIC
Who is she talking to?

RENDER
She’s updating everyone for our podcast.

ERIC
You have a podcast?

RENDER
Oh. Uh. Yeah.

ERIC
Me too!

RENDER
… oh. Really?

ERIC
We should cross-promote.

RENDER
Uh… we’re probably good.

RILEY
But the Taiwan 1000’s been back for a while now, mostly pacing. I suspect we getting close to whatever is next.

RENDER
Riley. I have an idea I want to try.

RILEY
Oh - yeah sure. What is it?

RENDER
Can you help me swing the sky net?

RILEY
You can just say net.

RENDER
We need to swing towards Bunion.

(They start swinging the net back and forth.)

ERIC
I really don’t get the name.

RENDER
It’s because you’re our archnemesis.

ERIC
Ouch. Okay, now I don’t want to cross promote either.

RENDER
Just swing towards us.

(ERIC starts swinging his net too.)

Good keep going. Keep going. Just a little further. And now, press up against the net. A little more. One more swing and - There!

(THWACK! ERIC screams.)

ERIC
Oww!

RENDER
That was a bop on the nose. And it’s what you get for getting us into this mess.

ERIC
Serious. That was it?

RILEY
That was your whole plan?

RENDER
Yeah.

RILEY
Nice.

TAIWAN
Your time is up. Prepare to meet your doom!

RENDER
Oh, are we calling this dawn?

RILEY
Yeah, really more of a twilight.

RENDER
Definitely Twilight.

TAIWAN
Enough! May your destruction usher in a new era where man serves the machines!

RENDER
Taiwan 1000, you have to believe me. What happened to you was awful - but if you could give people a second chance.

TAIWAN
Enough talk. Soon I will dine on your flesh!

RILEY
But like… Cyber Dine.

RENDER
Nice.

RILEY
Oh. He’s untying us.

RENDER
You are gonna ease us down right?

(the knot slips, the net skyrockets down. SCREAMS. THUD!)

RILEY
Oh. I think I rolled my ankle. That hurts.

RENDER
Can you stand?

RILEY
I don’t think so.

TAIWAN
And now, the end is here! Hasta Luego, Baby!

RENDER
Well that’s not right.

(The TAIWAN 1000 charges, screaming. RENDER screams. RILEY and ERIC join in. The TAIWAN 1000 reaches RENDER.)

(RENDER pushes him over.)

RILEY
Oh. You okay?

RENDER
Yeah. I just kinda pushed him over.

ERIC
Lookout - he’s coming again. It’s going to use its superhuman strength!

TAIWAN
Prepare to die! AAAAAHHHH!

(RENDER pushes him over.)

RILEY
So… that’s a no on superhuman strength.

ERIC
Alright, well you never know. Sometimes they have it. Gotta check.

RENDER
I mean. Little fella’s committed, I’ll say that.

RILEY
Can you help me up?

RENDER
Yeah.

Can you put any weight on it?

RILEY
I think so.

TAIWAN
I will not be so easily vanquished! Feel my wrath! CONNNNN - NNNNNER!

(More running. RENDER knocks him over.)

ERIC
Okay, this is starting to feel a little unsportsmanlike.

RILEY
Yeah, come on Render, he’s got leaves stuck in his floppy disk drive.

RENDER
What am I supposed to do? He keeps charging me.

RILEY
You’re gonna hurt him.

ERIC
I cracked a monitor doing almost this exact thing.

RILEY
How!

TAIWAN
Taste Cold Death.

(TAIWAN latches onto RENDER’S leg, tugging.)

RENDER
Can we get out of here?

RILEY
Yes please.

ERIC
Uhh… Little help.

RILEY
Sure. Throw down your satchel.

ERIC
No!

RILEY
You want to stay up there?

ERIC
You wouldn’t!

RILEY
Come on Render, let’s get out of here.

RENDER
Wait. Seriously?

RILEY
We offered to help.

(RILEY and RENDER start walking away. From behind them:)

TAIWAN
Yes. Run. Tell the others what you saw today.

As for you - I will make your end as unpleasant as possible.

RENDER
Okay. We can’t leave them.

RILEY
Them?

RENDER
Yeah. I mean. Professor Bunion is our archnemesis - but we can’t leave him tied up. That’s like a… not-fun adventure.

RILEY
And the Taiwan 1000?

RENDER
It’s an amazing world. Kinda a shame to never get the chance to see it that way.

RILEY
Yeah. You’re right.

Alright, I’m gonna lower him down.

RENDER
Hey Taiwan 1000.

TAIWAN
Oh. You’re back for more, eh!

RENDER
Yeah. I’m back. Come here.

TAIWAN
Yes. Pick me up. The better to strangle you by!

RENDER
Cut that out.

TAIWAN
Come with me if you want to die!

(The back of the van opening up.)

RILEY
Alright. Grab it.

ERIC
Thanks.

RILEY
Have you been… paying for that this whole time?

ERIC
I paused the ride.

RILEY
But you didn’t check it in.

ERIC
Does that matter?

RILEY
I mean… I don’t know but… probably.

ERIC
Oh god… it’s on my mother’s credit card?

RENDER
Here. Taiwan 1000, your spot is right here.

TAIWAN
Yes. Perfect. And from this spot I shall plot the destruction of man.

RENDER
That sounds awesome.

RILEY
Uh… Render.

One thing in. One thing out.

RENDER
Right.

Okay. I’ll get rid of… my small token holder.

RILEY
You kept the oreo tray!

ERIC
Haha! Until we meet again!

RENDER
Bunion’s getting away.

RILEY
I don’t care. I need a shower. My hair is so sticky.

[shouting after ERIC:] And shouting archnemesis phrases from an electric scooter is weak!

Okay. I need a stretch. I need a nap. Let’s get out of here.

RENDER
Crypto-Curious - Adventures are amazing. And more adventures await. Don’t worry - we’ll bring you along too. We’ll see you next time.

And like they say where I’m from:

TAIWAN
The Human Race shall be ash beneath my tread!

RENDER
Okay, that’s not really in the spirit of what we’re doing.

(end of episode.)

NEIL
Hi, this is Neil Batra. Have Monster, Will Travel features the vocal talents of Jordan Trovillion as Riley Kate, Paul Kerford Wilson as Render, Dave Powell as Professor Bunion and me, Neil Batra as the Taiwan 1000. Today’s episode was written by Trey Tatum and directed by Bridget Leak. Have Monster, Will Travel is a production of Queen City Flash out of Cincinnati, Ohio.

PAUL
Hi, this is Paul Kerford Wilson. Happy New Year from our family to yours - as always - if your enjoying the show, the simplest way you can help us is by recommending us to a friend - You can find a link to rate and review the show in the show notes.

Have Monster, Will Travel is brought to you in part thanks to the generous support of Messed Comics. More information can be found at messedcomics.com. That’s M-E-S-S-E-D Comics.com

To stay on top of the shenanigans, follow us on instagram @havemonsterwilltravel