Episode 110: "Is it relationship abuse, or just a normal fight?"
Episode 110: "Is it relationship abuse, or just a normal fight?"
On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about fighting in relationships.
This is Jessica Skultety, Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, Is it relationship abuse, or just a normal fight?”
Disagreements happen in every relationship. It doesn’t matter how short or how long two people have been together, a disagreement is going to come up. There are some differences, though, between what can be considered a normal fight, and relationship violence.
Relationship violence or abuse is a pattern of behaviors one person uses to gain power and control over the other. If one of these behaviors is happening more than once, that counts as a pattern.
Here are some warning signs or red flags that could mean abuse, and that could come out in arguments:
-Your partner constantly puts you down or calls you names.
-Your partner uses jealousy as an excuse for most of their actions, or constantly accuses you of cheating or flirting with other people.
-Your partner blames you or other people for their own actions.
-Your partner blames you for things you did not say or do.
-Your partner blames their actions on alcohol, drugs, their mental health, or something else. People have a choice in their actions – so those things are not to blame.
-Your partner threatens to hurt themselves, you, or someone else.
-Your partner is gaslighting you or playing mind games with you. We have several episodes about gaslighting and emotional abuse.
-Your partner expects to get their way in every disagreement, or refuses to hear your side or feelings.
-Your partner dismisses your feelings by saying things like, “You’re too sensitive,” or “It’s not that bad.”
-Your partner chooses to throw things, punch things, or make you feel unsafe while you are fighting.
-Your partner threatens to keep you from going to an event or hanging out with friends or family.
If you are experiencing relationship abuse, remember that it is not your fault. You can’t control your partners actions and reactions. We are all responsible for our own words and actions, even during an argument. Your safety is the most important thing, so reach out to Safe+Sound Somerset on the helpline if you’re looking for supportive listening, information about free services, or safety planning.
And check out episode 22 for ideas about how to argue respectfully in a relationship! Here are some things to think about. We have to listen to our partners without judging them, even if we disagree. Try to put yourself in their shoes and experiences to see where they are coming from. Talking things out is important. This is really different from ignoring the problem or ghosting that person completely. You might want to set aside a specific time where you both agree to talk openly. And remember, compromise can go a long way. Also, arguing in a non-threatening way is important. If one partner is calling the other person names, threatening someone’s safety, punching the wall, or throwing things, that is never okay.
To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.