Episode 111: "Was there gaslighting in Taylor Swift's 'All Too Well' music video?"
Episode 111: "Was there gaslighting in Taylor Swift's 'All Too Well' music video?"
On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about gaslighting in romantic relationships.
This is Jessica Skultety, Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, Was there gaslighting in Taylor Swift’s ‘All Too Well’ music video?
American singer-songwriter, Taylor Swift, released a short film of her song “All Too Well.” The short film gained a lot of attention in the media. It showed unequal power dynamics in romantic relationships, and this has sparked a conversation, especially one about gaslighting. “All Too Well” walks us through the storyline of a couple where one partner denies and invalidates the other person’s experiences. The partner gaslights Taylor and eventually breaks off the relationship.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. When someone denies facts and invalidates the other person’s feelings, it makes the other partner feel like their reality isn’t real. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their judgment. This can have many effects such as not trusting yourself, questioning the truth, and silencing your own experiences and feelings. Gaslighting relies on power and control. It happens in relationships when there is a power imbalance.
In the short film, Taylor Swift tells her partner that she was feeling uncomfortable at a party they both attended. At the party, Taylor appears to be younger than everyone else and doesn’t know anyone who is there. She tries to comfort herself by reaching for her partner’s hand. He lets go of her hand and ignores her. When Taylor confronts this behavior with her partner, he reacts by suggesting it didn’t happen.
Some of the phrases Taylor’s partner says to her are: “I didn’t even notice; what are you talking about,” “You’re making this about you,” and “I don’t even remember the moment you’re talking about.” Phrases like these undermine someone’s experience and leaves them with no room to defend it.
Many psychology experts say that gaslighting happens as a way to feel “in charge.” Taylor’s partner gains power over her by suggesting that her experience is not true. She tells him, “You’re making me feel stupid,” and he responds, “I don’t think I’m making you feel that way; I think you’re making yourself feel that way.” Gaslighting is a way to deflect from responsibility and tear down someone else.
It can be really difficult to know if someone is gaslighting you. Here are some ways to recognize if gaslighting is potentially happening:
1. Do you often feel confused in a relationship?
2. Do you frequently make excuses for your partner’s behaviors?
3. Do you feel or know something is wrong, but you don’t know what?
4. Do you start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists from your partner?
5. Do you wonder if you’re good enough?
6. Do you second guess yourself often?
While all of these questions can also be symptoms of anxiety, depression or low self-esteem, it’s important to know that gaslighting happens when someone else makes you second-guess what you know to be true. If you typically don’t experience these feelings with other people but you do with one particular person, you may be experiencing gaslighting.
Another way to recognize patterns of gaslighting can be through common phrases, such as: “You’re so sensitive,” “You know that’s just because you’re insecure,” “You’re overacting,” “You’re being paranoid.” Ask yourself: When am I hearing these phrases? Do I feel invalidated or question myself when I hear these phrases? Are they often said by my partner?
You deserve to be safe, validated, and heard in your relationship. If the dynamics in “All Too Well” resonated with you, there is help available. You can call or text 24/7. A trained advocate can provide information, safety planning, and resources to help you navigate.
To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.