Episode 115: "How do you help a friend who is used to being abused?"
Episode 115: "How do you help a friend who is used to being abused?"
On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about supporting a friend who is used to being abused.
This is Jessica Skultety, Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, how do you help a friend who is used to being abused?”
It can be difficult to know how to support a friend who has experienced abuse, or is used to being abused in a relationship. Abuse happens when one person purposefully gains and keeps power and control over the other.
Abuse can look like a lot of different forms like physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, psychological, financial, digital, and stalking. Sometimes it’s all of these things, sometimes it’s a few of these things, or just one of these things in a pattern. It often impacts survivors in a lot of short-term and long-term ways. Some of the ways can be depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, trouble forming and keeping relationships, trouble feeling safe, drug and alcohol use, suicidal ideation, and more. It may take some time for survivors to feel safe in relationships and to believe that it’s not their fault.
One way you can help a friend here is by learning more about the topic, which can help you see how complex the topic of relationship abuse really is. It can also reduce our need to have a “silver lining” for our friends. It can be easy to fall into toxic positivity when we want to provide support. Although toxic positivity is well-intentioned, it can often leave survivors feeling dismissed and unheard. When we learn more about abuse, we can respond with empathy instead of false reassurances, or things like, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “It’ll be okay in the future.”
By learning more about abuse and avoiding toxic positivity, you can have more vulnerable conversations. It can help to have discussions that include open-ended questions such as, “how are you feeling?” Allow your friend to make their own decisions and have their own feelings. For example, you may not understand if they want to stay in the relationship, but that is their choice. And you can respect that support that, even if they’re staying.
Survivors are able to set their own boundaries, give or take away consent, and make decisions. You can ask questions like, “How can I best show up for you?” “Is there anything you need from me?” and “How would you like me to support you in this moment?” This allows you to show empathy while giving space for your friend to tell you their boundaries. It also is a really good example of healthy communication. It might seem small, but you’re giving your friend a voice. It also shows them that not all relationships or friendships are abusive.
Another way to support a friend is providing listening. You can offer specific help. Don’t force the issue but remain open if your friend is ready to talk to you. Actively listen to what they’re telling you. You can support their right to make their own choices, and believe them! If your friend does ask for advice, you can share local services, like Safe+Sound Somerset, and let them know they’re not alone.
There may be a chance your friend doesn’t want community services at that time, and that’s okay. The goal of providing supportive listening isn’t to figure out what’s best for your friend. It’s to let them know that there is help available, and that you are someone they can count on. If your friend is curious about services, you can give them information of a local helpline and service provider. It allows them to decide who to connect with and when.
They may have been in a relationship where they were told that they were a bad person, called names, or other negative comments. They may feel that there is something wrong with them or that they can’t do anything right. Help your friend explore their strengths to get rid of that. They begin to heal. You may not completely relate to or fully understand their experiences, and that’s okay. You can show empathy or the ability to understand, be aware, and share in the feelings of another. If you have any questions about supporting a friend, contact our helpline.
To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.