On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about guilting someone into avoiding birth control.
This is Jessica Skultety, Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Jessica: Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, What if my partner is guilting me into not using birth control?” We’re joined once again today by Safe+Sound Somerset volunteer, Ella Blank, who goes to the University of Maryland! Hi Ella, thank you for joining us!
Ella: Hi everyone! So, if your partner is guilting you into sex that is not on your terms – not using protection, for example – then they are displaying a lack of care for your personal boundaries. Guilting someone else into not using birth control is a form of sexual abuse, and is never okay. Guilt tripping is a form of emotional abuse, and is when one partner causes you to feel responsible to do something.
J: Yeah. This is a topic that we don’t talk about enough in society, I think, and it can come up very quickly and unexpectedly when two people are hooking up or in a relationship. When two people consent to sexual activity, they also need to 100% agree on how birth control will or won’t be used. If you can’t agree, that isn’t healthy or safe consent for sexual activity from both people.
E: Yeah. To have safe, consensual sex, both parties must be of age, and excited and willing to participate on the same terms! Plus, birth control doesn’t just prevent pregnancy. Some kinds also prevent infections or sexually transmitted diseases, also known as STDs. Using birth control other than condoms like IUDs, the pill, and more can influence hormonal balances. The decision to use or not use birth control is a personal decision based on how you feel about it. You should also consult with a doctor to decide what might work best for your body.
J: Definitely. And getting back into someone guilting you in the moment: pressure of any kind is also a form of sexual or reproductive coercion. According to Love is Respect and the National Domestic Violence Hotline, sexual coercion is: “the act of using pressure, alcohol or drugs, or force to have sexual contact with someone” against their will “and includes persistent attempts to have sexual contact with someone who has already refused.” So, if your partner has threatened you, or blackmailed you into doing this, that is not okay either. You always get to decide what is right for your body, every time.
E: We should also mention that reproductive coercion is a real thing, too, that is unfortunately common in abusive relationships (though you don’t have to be in a relationship to experience this). This is when one person exerts power and control over another’s reproductive health and decisions. People can do this to partners of any gender.
J: Absolutely, unfortunately. Here are some more ways that one partner might try to control the other around reproduction, birth control, and STD exposure:
1. Hiding birth control, or lying about using it.
2. Forcing someone to get pregnant, or force them to have an abortion.
3. Poking holes in condoms or tampering with birth control in other ways, like flushing pills, removing it, etc.
4. I’ll also say here that removing protection including condoms sneakily during sex is sexual assault, because you’re changing what both people initially consented to. This impacts the other person’s ability to control reproduction and/or protect themselves from STDs.
E: You are not alone, and there is support available. If your partner is doing any of these things, you have every right to step back, say “no” and have a conversation with them about your boundaries. If they don’t respect your boundaries, this probably isn’t a safe relationship for you.
J: Yeah. Also, check the Planned Parenthood website for more information on safe sex, STD prevention, and different forms of birth control. Know that you aren’t alone, and you can call or text our helpline to speak with someone anonymously and confidentially. Thanks Ella for being here today!
E: Thank you!
To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.
