Episode 129: "What if my partner is pressuring me to pay them back with sex?"
Episode 129: "What if my partner is pressuring me to pay them back with sex?"
Jessica: On today’s episode of Ask Ava, we’re answering a question from local teens about being pressured to pay someone back with sex.
My name is Jessica Skultety. I’m an Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, What if my partner is pressuring me to pay them back with sex?”
And today we’re joined again by Ella Blank, Safe+Sound Somerset volunteer, who goes to the University of Maryland. Hi Ella, thanks for joining us!
Ella: Hi guys, thanks for having me! Um, starting off, pressuring or guilting someone into sex is a form of sexual coercion, and is never okay in any way, regardless of whether you are in a relationship with a person or even if you’re not.
J: Right. Coercion is like intimidation. It’s when someone persuades someone to do something with threats or force. And pressuring someone could also be indirect, like dropping hints or guilt tripping about how they did you a favor, or whining about how they haven’t done anything sexual with you in a while.
E: Yeah. People can make you think that you owe them sex, but it is important to remember you are never obligated to do anything you do not want to do, no matter what your relationship is. Coercion is not free consent or permission. And if one person wants to stop, and the other person guilts them into continuing, and they didn’t want to, that is not legal consent and it is considered sexual assault.
J: Right. As a prevention educator myself, I hear a lot about teens and adults pressuring their partners for sexual activity. But here are the facts that we always have to talk about: no matter what you did for your partner, you do not have to pay them back with sex or with anything else, and here’s why. Part of consensual sex is recognizing that each person has the right to say “no” to anything, or change their mind at any time. And both people have to 100% freely agree to every sexual action. This is not the case if someone is guilting the other person into paying them back with sexual activity.
E: Yeah. If a person is pressuring you into having sex or making you feel as if you owe it to them, then they are not taking account of your feelings and decisions. And you should never feel as if you owe sex or any form of sexual activity to another person.
J: Absolutely. And if you are afraid of upsetting your partner or the situation is making you uncomfortable, you need to prioritize your wellbeing. Stay firm to your boundaries. Remember that “no” is a complete sentence. You can make create an excuse to leave the room. It’s important to remember it is not your fault if someone chooses sexual assault.
Know that there is help available – for example, at Safe+Sound Somerset, we have a Sexual Assault Response Team that can be activated up to 5 days after an incident. Also, anytime after a sexual assault, even if it’s years later, people can access our crisis support on our helpline, there’s counseling, and legal advocacy, too. All of these things are available free of charge. Thank you so much again for being here, Ella.
E: Thank you again for having me!
J: To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.