Episode 130: "If we talk about having sex before we start drinking, is it still consensual?"
Episode 130: "If we talk about having sex before we start drinking, is it still consensual?"
Jessica: On today’s episode of Ask Ava, we’re answering a question from local teens about if sex is consensual if you talked before you started drinking.
This is Jessica Skultety. I am an Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
And today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, If we talk about having sex before we start drinking, is it still consensual?”
And today we’re joined again by Ella Blank, Safe+Sound Somerset volunteer, who goes to the University of Maryland. Hi Ella, thanks for being here today!
Ella: Hi everyone! So the short answer to today’s question is no. Even if you talked about sexual activity earlier, whether one of you was sober or both of you were sober or not, it is NOT automatically consensual later. It is important to ask for continuous consent for every activity at the time it is happening. It is also possible that someone may not be physically able to give consent due to the amount of alcohol that they are drinking, and a conversation that had occurred prior does not give you the green light!
J: Yeah. This is actually very different from what we see a lot, right, in some media, like movies, tv shows, and songs. You can talk all you want beforehand, before you drink, about having sex. And if one or both of you are drinking or under the influence of drugs later on, that complicates things really easily, because you have to be able to consent and give permission for every specific sexual action at the time it happens. Consent for sex is not consent for everything all at once beforehand.
E: Right. Um, not hearing a “no” is not the same as hearing a “yes.” It’s also possible that someone doesn’t want to have sex under the influence, and they might have trouble being able to say that because they are using certain substances. Consent is also ongoing and changes in the moment. So something might sound good one moment, and then in the next moment, it doesn’t. You are allowed to change your mind, whether you are not in the mood, you’re scared or uncomfortable, or any other reason. Your partner might be disappointed, but you always have that right to change your mind.
J: Yes, that’s so important. Also, according to New Jersey law, and this can change depending where you are in the world, but according to the law, people of age can’t consent to sexual activity if they are intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.
And the level that every person will be drunk is different, so it can be very hard to measure that. Some people may think they are okay to have sex after a certain number of drinks, but just be mindful and aware of the fine line between, uh, tipsy consensual sex and drunk sexual assault. So, TV shows and movies often show people getting drunk and having sex, right? And sometimes, we see the next day, and how some people don’t remember what they agreed to or what happened. This isn’t their fault but this is really problematic. It’s on the other person to ask for their free and constant consent for all activities, and that person might also be drunk, right? So it can get really tricky, very fast.
E: Right, definitely, and that other person needs to stop if they think the other person has gone past the point of recognizing what’s going on. If a drunk person can’t understand what’s happening or shows signs that they are sleepy, unconscious, or confused, they can’t consent to any sexual activity at that time, even if they agreed before. If both people are drinking or under the influence of drugs, it’s best to wait until another time for the sexual activity, since you can’t freely and specifically consent.
J: Absolutely, yes. Thank you so much again for being here, Ella.
E: Thank you for having me!
J: To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.