On today’s episode, we’re answering a question from local teens about trying to understand our partners when they hide their emotions.
This is Jessica Skultety, Outreach and Prevention Manager at Safe+Sound Somerset. We are Somerset County, New Jersey's lead domestic and sexual violence response organization, providing services at no charge to survivors for over 40 years.
Today's question from local teens is: “Dear Ava, How do you know if your partner feels uncomfortable if they hide it?”
This is a question we’ve heard a few times from teens lately. It can be hard to be in a relationship with someone – mostly because we can’t truly ever know what our partner is thinking! That doesn’t mean that we can’t trust them, but it’s a reality that communication can be complicated. Today we’ll talk about two situations: when you’re having a conversation with your partner, and when you’re engaging in sexual activity.
Let’s start with having a conversation. Have you ever made a mistake when communicating with someone? I have. So, it’s 100% likely this will happen if you have a romantic partner. Maybe you feel like you said or did something wrong right away or later, and you immediately regret it. Maybe your partner starts avoiding you, acting anxious, or insisting that everything is fine, when it very clearly it is not.
Another thing you can look for is your partner’s body language and facial expressions. While some people are really good at hiding their reactions, others aren’t.
Sometimes when partners hide emotions, it’s about their past and their insecurities, and not necessarily you. Though sometimes, they might be afraid of disappointing or angering you.
We can’t control how our partners feel and or their reactions. What we can control is how we communicate ourselves. So, another way to approach this situation is to ask your partner in a very clear, straightforward way. If you’re apologizing for something you can say, “Hey, I realize that I said this, and I’m sorry I said it. Here’s what I want to say instead. I realize that I might have hurt your feelings. Do you want to talk about it?”
Or, you could say, “Hey, I noticed that after we had that conversation, you seem to be quieter. I want you to know you can talk to me if I made a mistake or hurt your feelings. Did I?” See what your partner says. But also know that impact is more important than intent. It’s possible that your partner is really hurting, and that impact is more important than what you intended by your comment or action.
You might not want to keep pressuring them as there might be other reasons they don’t want to talk to you right now. Let them know that you are there, and you are committed to making your communication go well. Over time, if your partner really isn’t able to open up and communicate, maybe this relationship isn’t serving both of you well.
So, let’s also talk about situations where two people are engaging in sexual activity. If your partner is uncomfortable, you want to hope they will tell you. Some people will be scared to say something because they don’t want you to react badly if they say “no.” Maybe they’ve been threatened by you or someone else in the past. Either way, since both people have to 100% agree to every sexual activity, the best thing you can do is to stop and tell your partner that you feel like they’re uncomfortable and that you want to talk about it, or do something else.
Consent for sexual activity has to be FRIES, F-R-I-E-S. Freely given, Reversible or able to be changed, Informed or without tricks, Everyone agrees, and Specific, meaning that every action has to be fully and freely consented to by both people. Anything outside of this is sexual assault, which is illegal and never okay. So again, if you suspect that your partner is hiding something, or unsure, or they aren’t giving full consent, stop right away. We have a bunch of Ask Ava episodes dedicated to consent, so check those out, too!
To speak with an expert about relationship or sexual violence, call or text the Safe+Sound Somerset 24/7 confidential helpline at 866-685-1122 for supportive listening, information, and safety planning.
Want to “Ask Ava” a question? Visit our website at www.safe-sound.org/ask-ava. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.